Attention All- The Culture Festival is temporarily on hold while we rebuild and clean up the blood.

Aizen Sosuke - You and your subordinates are not invited to the culture festival, not even if you volunteer to work security. You are what security should be guarding against.

Abarai-fukutaicho- Acme is already a licensed trademark. Your stall selling anvils, giant slingshots and black "thru" holes must be renamed.

Ayasegawa Yumichika - You are not the grand prize for every game at the festival and not everyone can be a winner.

Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez- "What occurs in the privacy of the bedroom is no one's business but my own" is only valid if it is actually done in private. Closets, darkened alleyways and mostly empty hallways of hotels do not count as private. - An open-air booth is not private either, even if you name it "Grimmjow's Private Detective Agency." You are not a private detective. You are an Arrancar that is still on probation.

Hinamori-fukutaicho- Throwing bouncy balls into a bouncy castle does not make it "extra fun". Especially not if you stand back and giggle as everyone trips over the balls and goes flying into one another. - Soft bouncy toys in a soft bouncy castle does not automatically equal safe. I don't believe you are taking the hard, wildly flailing elbows and the soft, easily squished eyeballs into account.

Hisagi-fukutaicho- Whack-a-Mole is not to be played with subordinates, even if you use nerf bats.

Hitsugaya-taicho- No, you may not use the festival to spread your religion. Not even if you set up a booth. Stop proselytizing. - "Culture Festival" does not mean what you think it does, just because it has the word "cult" in it.

Ichimaru Gin- A brothel has no place at a culture festival and Kurosaki-taicho does not want to be your star attraction.

Inoue Orihime- Considering a certain incident that shall not be spoken of, running through the middle of the festival shouting "Zombies!" is not amusing.

Ise-fukutaicho- What have we told you about starting that naughty book club?

Ishida Uryu- Just because no one wanted to buy your clothes (I suspect because they were all white, and dresses) does not mean you may recoup your losses by setting up a toll booth and charging admission to the bathrooms.

Kira-fukutaicho- Perhaps comedy is just not your calling.

Komamura-taicho- Your "Guess My Species - Win a Prize" game should not be played like poker.

Kotetsu-fukutaicho- Goldfish scooping should not involve tartar sauce and a grill.

Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro - Your cafe is lovely, but please stop selling coffee to Kusajishi-fukutaicho, Hinamori-fukutaicho and Yamada Hanataro. Even Zaraki-taicho has stopped laughing at Kusajishi-fukutaicho's antics, Hinamori-fukutaicho has become markedly more homicidal than usual and Yamada's caffeine-fueled shunpo is starting to break down the fabric of reality, again.

Kuchiki-taicho- Ever since last Halloween, you have been acting very odd. There are rumors that you have been seen doing some less than appropriate things in less than appropriate places with less than appropriate people. Not to mention the fact that your sister, when questioned, was apparantly unaware that there is supposedly a relationship between she and her taicho, despite the fact that he has been seen sneaking in and out of the Kuchiki estate at all hours of the day and night in varying states of disarray. Are you sure you're not having some kind of mid-life crisis?

Kuchiki-fukutaicho - Your stall selling pastries may be wildly popular, but I feel it necessary to point out exactly what "hotcakes" are not. They are not made with any kind of pepper. They are not on fire. They are not made in the shape of any body part. They should not be described with any of the following words: spicy, luscious, red-hot, juicy, sizzling, delectable, succulent, risque, titillating, orgiastic, bacchanalian, salacious, lewd, aphrodisiacal, autoerotic.

Kurosaki-taicho - Even if you had already expressed your reluctance to participate in Kuchiki-fukutaicho's publicly performed rendition of My Fair Lady, repeatedly and emphatically, that does not give you the right to dive off the stage and attempt to strangle Abarai-fukutaicho with the ribbons on your bonnet for his heckling. We will also be forced to confiscate the zanpakuto of the entire thirteenth and three quarters division before any social event you may take part in. We don't know where you stashed it, and we don't want to know, but hiking your skirt up around your thighs, declaring "I keel juu!" and lunging at Zaraki-taicho with zanpakuto in hand for his lewd comments was totally unacceptable.

Kurosaki Isshin- For the sake of everyone's sight, if you ever again feel the need to perform the hula, please wear pants under your grass skirt.

Kurotsuchi-taicho- "Dissection for Dummies" is not a proper booth.

Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho- Inoue was lying. There are no zombies. Put the shotgun away. - We appreciate your ever-ready state though.

Kusajishi-fukutaicho- Please come out of there. Central 46 is not your new pretty princess castle.

Kyoraku-taicho- Get rid of all that sake. We've already ordered Matsumoto-fukutaicho to take down her booth.

Madarame Ikaku - Naked Tackle Football is not a real sport, no matter how many fake rules you make up, and we will not be creating an official league just so you can pounce the opposition's naked women. - If you create your own amateur league, I feel I should warn you that I will show up to try out, in "uniform".

Matsumoto-fukutaicho

- I appreciate that you wish to take part in the festival and everyone enjoyed your bellydancing troupe's performance. However, your booth titled "Bring Me Sake - I Flash You" must go.

Sado Yasutora - You may think you're fooling some people, but I assure you, I know that "grave dancing" is nota part of Mexican culture.

Shiba Ganju- Due to your disturbing ability to make a bomb out of everyday items, we must ask that you stay out of the armory, the barracks, the eleventh division, the second division, the thirteenth and three quarters division, the office of any taicho, the underground, all supply closets and the cafeteria.

Shihoin Yoruichi- Permission to run a "spanking booth" denied.

Soifon-taicho- "Spin the Bottle" is not an appropriate game for a festival. Especially not if you bar entrance to everyone but Shihoin.

Ukitake-taicho- You are not allowed in the kissing booth. Everyone ends up fighting and the line stretches out into the outer edges of Rukongai.

Ulquiorra Schiffer- If you didn't want your girlfriend to "reject your junk", you shouldn't have been using your abilities to share private moments with the other men in your division. - Despite what Kurosaki-taicho says, he is not qualified to study the mating habits of Arrancar.

Unohana-taicho- This is not a health fair. Your booth is putting us off our food.

Urahara Kisuke- If you don't get rid of your "Vizards-R-Us" stall, it will shortly be ash.

Yamada Hanataro- Stop letting Shiba Ganju into Seireitei.

Zaraki-taicho - Stop attending performances just to heckle the actors in the hopes of starting a fight.

AN = In less humorous news, don't expect updates in the near future. My aunt is having surgery on the 31st and I'll be staying with her for a few weeks. Also, I went to the doctor today with a loud, persistent ringing in my left ear. He basically said I either have sinus congestion (which I don't think I do, unfortunately), or it's a precursor of hearing loss. He gave me some pills and I'll know in a couple days whether I'm fine, or if I'm going deaf in one ear. I've known since a young age that there is a high chance that I would eventually go blind in my left eye and have had fifteen years to come to terms with it, but I've never had problems with my ears. I'm a little nervous and not feeling very funny right now. So, I probably won't be working on this for a while. Sorry.