Attention All - Kurosaki-taicho would like it known that he cracked his knee skydiving, and the bruises and twisted ankle are from bungee jumping, and the goose egg on his head is from paragliding, and the burns are from a fight with a dragon. Under no circumstances is anyone to imply that he tripped over a cat and banged his head on a kotatsu. - In completely unrelated news, I would like to welcome back Shihoin Yoruichi as co-taicho of the second division.
Aizen Sosuke - I am sotaicho for life. I cannot be toppled by popular vote. Stop inciting my subordinates to "call for a vote of no confidence" in the hopes that they will elect you sotaicho, whereupon you may make a play for King. - Stop watching movies. All movies. Remember, if you've seen them, Kuchiki-fukutaicho has seen them, and has already tried them herself.
Abarai-fukutaicho- Disco is dead. Let it go in peace.
Ayasegawa Yumichika- Just because you declare a revolution does not mean a revolution will immediately break out. - You do not get to lead a rebellion just because you think Aizen is doing a "shity job" at it.
Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez- If an enemy knocks your zanpakuto out of your hand, it is generally considered quite rude to pick up two of your comrades and use them as bludgeons.
Hinamori-fukutaicho- Your shikai phrase is not "Double double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble" and it is certainly not an excuse to cackle wildly every time you release your zanpakuto.
Hisagi-fukutaicho- Zaraki-taicho's biography should not be four hundred pages of sentences beginning with "He met-" and ending with "-and then they died."
Hitsugaya-taicho- No, we will not be solving disagreements with gladiatorial combat in your name.
Ichimaru Gin - Please do not saunter up to Matsumoto-fukutaicho, hit her over the head with a foam club, throw her over your shoulder and run off with her. - Or Kurosaki-taicho. By your girlish screams, I'm guessing he made it known that he did not appreciate it when you tried to knock him unconscious and drag him off by his hair. - How the helldo you keep getting in here?
Inoue Orihime- No matter how many masks you rip off of Hollows, none of them will turn out to be men in costumes trying to scare away "those rotten kids".
Ise-fukutaicho- You do not have power of attorney over your taicho just because he told you to do whatever you want before falling asleep on his desk. - Actually, there was a striking rise in productivity during his ten hour nap. Have you considered bankai training?
Ishida Uryu- Stop using genetics to excuse your behavior towards other Shinigami.
Kira-fukutaicho- No, we will not be re-appointing Ichimaru Gin as taicho of your division, just because he never seems to leave. Stop calling him "taicho". It's confusing people. - Even if he sneaks in at night and does all the paperwork. - On second thought, welcome back, Ichimaru-taicho.
Komamura-taicho- You really don't have to humor Kusajishi-fukutaicho. No matter what she may appear to be, we all know that there is nothing but vast darkness and unending evil in that cute pink shell of little girl smiles. Kurotsuchi-taicho is currently investigating rumors that she is some kind of super Hollow or an escapee from Hell.
Kotetsu-fukutaicho - There have recently been several rather alarming complaints made about fatigue in the workplace and the problems and safety hazards resulting from overly long hours. Over seventy percent of the complaints have been centered on you. In specific, for the past two months a certain female shinigami has been taking male hormones meant for another patient and you have prescribed Ukitake-taicho birth control six different times. While he may be amused, I am not. I feel it is my duty to point out that you have already reached your full height. If you continue on your current course, I will have Unohana-taicho tie you to your bed each night and force feed you sleeping pills.
Kotetsu Kiyone- When asked why you are alone or where Kotsubaki is, "I ate him" is not the proper response. It will not get you transferred to the thirteenth and three quarters division, not even if you draw a black circle on your chest and claim it is your Hollow hole. You will instead be arrested for suspicion of cannibalism. Kurosaki-taicho is very strict about his subordinates not eating each other. Now, go untie Kotsubaki and we will forget this little incident occurred.
Kuchiki-taicho- Stop smiling. You're scaring people.
Kuchiki-fukutaicho- If the situation is dire enough for me to release my zanpakuto, it is dire enough that you should not have time to stand back and sing "I'm Too Sexy".
Kurosaki Isshin- Thank you for the thought, but we will not be updating our uniform anytime soon. I'm unaware of the significance of a black suit and sunglasses, but I'm certain we won't be wearing them. - Why are you whining about "neuralizers"?
Kurosaki-taicho - No! No, no, no! Absolutely not! You tell Hirako Shinji and his cohorts that we will give them an official apology, publicly and in writing, and one hundred years worth of compensation, but please, please, don't let them join your division!
Kurotsuchi-taicho - I'm sorry. There is no room in the budget for an expedition into Hell. You'll just have to do your research with what you've got. - If you absolutely must have a sample of the Evil of that world, I suggest you talk to Urahara. There's a reason we call him the King of Unending Torment, and it has almost nothing to do with his karaoke skills.
Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho- Please take a moment to wash up and put away your tools before leaving the lab. The blood stained axe tucked into your obi was particularly intimidating.
Kusajishi-fukutaicho- Please stop sneaking into my bedroom at night and braiding my beard while I sleep.
Kyoraku-taicho- If, for whatever reason, you find yourself accidentally wearing an article of someone else's clothes, keep it to yourself. They're all the same. No one can tell. There is no need to suddenly shout "These are Juu-chan's pants!" and dash out of a meeting, even if you had only just discovered the mistake and were honestly going to change them. - I didn't realize it was possible to turn that shade of red, but it certainly clashes with white hair.
Madarame Ikaku - I don't think weapons grade plutonium is an appropriate souvenir from the living world.
Matsumoto-fukutaicho - When someone tells you "when hell freezes over", you should not forge a note to Hitsugaya-taicho from Aizen detailing all the horrible, vulgar, abhorrently evil things he wants to do to Hinamori-fukutaicho, then point him at Hueco Mundo.
Sado Yasutora- Since you returned from Hueco Mundo with that confused yet awed harem of female Hollows, we must ask that you at least keep them away from Kurosaki-taicho. You know how Hollows get over him, and Jaegerjaquez is disturbingly territorial.
Shiba Ganju- Welcome to the Gotei 13. Go to the thirteenth and three quarters division and don't come out.
Shiba Kukaku- Your brother is not a strangely sapient gorilla and Seireitei is not a zoo. The apes are confined to the eleventh division, thank you.
Shihoin-taicho - There is no nude beach in Soul Society. That does not mean you may create one.
Soifon-taicho - You may not turn your home into a nudest colony unless you build very tall walls. What you do in your own home is your own business, as long as no one else can see it.
Ukitake-taicho - Please do not punish subordinates by telling your third seats they made you cry. The damage was catastrophic. We initially thought Zaraki was responsible.
Ulquiorra Schiffer- If you can't stop calling people trash, you will not be allowed back to the living world. Police officers do not take kindly to that.
Unohana-taicho- If you have to remind your patients to stop molesting inanimate objects more than twice, it is time for sedatives.
Urahara Kisuke - You are not a crotchety old man. Stop hitting people with your cane and making long rambling speeches about the good old days. - It doesn't matter how many centuries you've seen pass you by, until humans stop calling you a "bishounen", you're not an old man.
Yamada Hanataro- Very well, you may use shunpo. However, if you get lost in another dimension, we're not coming to get you. You'll have to get yourself out, and anything that emerges from one of the tears in reality you create is your responsibility. Now, get out there and tell Shukaku he has to go home.
Zaraki-taicho - Stop treating your fukutaicho as a weapon of mass destruction. Loading her up with soda and candy, waiting until she's hit "Super Maximum Hyper Destructive Mode", then tossing her into the twelfth is not going to improve relations between the two divisions.
AN- First of all, both my aunt and I are fine. She had to have total hip replacement, but bounced back like a bouncy ball thrown into a bouncy castle. The medicine worked on my ear, so that's fine too. I appreciate all the inquiries I got very much.
A couple of weeks ago, I tripped over a cat and knocked my head on a heater. I ended up with a cracked knee, twisted ankle, bruises all over and a burn on my forehead. I spent a week telling everyone about my terrible skydiving accident and my fight with a dragon, before my mother told them the sad, pathetic truth. But hey! It inspired me to write a new chapter or two!
PS- I don't know if it's possible to burn yourself on a kotatsu, but if anyone can pull it off, it's Kurosaki "blood-in-my-eye" Ichigo.
PPS - If any of you go by the name Blood Sword on Cosplay(dot)com and are from Finland, you are made of pure Win and Awesome. Your Ukitake is a dream and the pic of you peeking out from behind a tree in fear for your modesty made me laugh until I cried.