Attention All- Bakudo are not to be used for sexual purposes. - Or to wrap presents.
Aizen Sosuke- If you're going to use your zanpakuto's abilities against us, please do it for something other than creating mass hallucinations of big red men with long white beards flying over Seireitei and dropping brightly wrapped gifts down non-existent chimneys.
Abarai-fukutaicho- Eggnog is not synonymous with vodka. Not even if you crack an egg in it.
Ayasegawa Yumichika- You are not the gift that keeps on giving.
Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez - I understand that you do not quite grasp the concept of Christmas. That does not give you an excuse to strip naked, tie on a bow and deliver yourself to anyone.
Hinamori-fukutaicho - Please do not attempt to light fireplaces with your zanpakuto. Speaking from personal experience, there are many ways this can go terribly, terribly wrong.
Hisagi-fukutaicho- A little advice. Next time, defrost the turkey before attempting to cook it.
Hitsugaya-taicho - You are not the Spirit of Christmas. - Although, we have had quite a few requests for snow, if you have the time.
Ichimaru-taicho- Your version of "I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus" is vile and disgusting. You will cease singing it immediately or I will cut out your tongue. - I do not need to know all the sordid details of why it is a crime against nature to threaten to remove your tongue.
Inoue Orihime - I am starting to think it was a bad idea to appoint you our cross-cultural consultant for our first annual Seireitei Christmas. Are you sure the elves were robots?
Ise-fukutaicho- Your gift to your taicho, no matter how creative, should not arrive in the form of twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree swarming his bedroom en masse at five o'clock on Christmas morning when he is guaranteed to be asleep and still hung over.
Ishida Uryu- Christmas cards to your friends should not involve a collage of pictures of said friends passed out drunk and in various states of undress with plush reindeer antlers on their heads and a caption reading "I Know What You Did Last Christmas".
Kira-fukutaicho- Ichimaru-taicho was not your Christmas present. Stop trying to "unwrap" him.
Komamura-taicho- Just because Kusajishi-fukutaicho was unable to acquire reindeer does not mean you have to take their place. Just give her enough candy and she'll forget about putting that sled harness on you.
Kotetsu-fukutaicho- The answer to the question "What child is this?" is not "Yours". Stop scaring our male Shinigami.
Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro- No matter how Kurosaki-taicho made you dress, you should not try to take credit for everything just because someone claims "elves did it".
Kuchiki-taicho- Next year, please keep in mind that if there is any reason to suspect that someone will send you inappropriate gifts, DO NOT open them in public. We do not need a repeat of Abarai-fukutaicho stealing them and drunkenly waving them around during the Seireitei Christmas party. - I'm not sure what half of them were, but to forestall any embarrassing requests for time off for recovery, you are hereby granted a week's leave.
Kuchiki-fukutaicho- I'm almost certain that Ms. Claus did not wear a mini-skirt.
Kurosaki Isshin - We are not going to recreate any situation depicted in Christmas songs. I am not going to be run over by reindeer. We will not be "walking 'round in women's underwear". Kurotsuchi-taicho is not going to "go postal" and murder his subordinates. - Well, alright. He may, but it won't be because he was tired of working for milk and cookies.
Kurosaki-taicho - Please stop singing "All I Want for Christmas is a Kuchiki Sandwich". - If you insist on continuing to grab Kuchiki-taicho, dip him backwards and kiss him passionately in full view of large crowds of people, we will be forced to create laws against public displays of affection. - This also goes for all Shinigami, including but not limited to Kuchiki-fukutaicho, Abarai-fukutaicho, Inoue Orihime, Ishida Uryu, Matsumoto-fukutaicho, Ukitake-taicho, Hinamori-fukutaicho, Ise-fukutaicho, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez, Kira-fukutaicho, Kotetsu-fukutaicho, Kotetsu Kiyone, Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho, Unohana-taicho, Ulquiorra Schiffer, Yamada Hanataro and any Hollow or Vizard you may sneak into Soul Society. - I am not intentionally leaving you with no option but incest! Stop trying to shock people! - I am not persecuting you for being bisexual. I am persecuting you for being a shameless manwhore! - "Power is sexy" is no excuse.
Kurotsuchi-taicho - Considering your inordinately large order of liquid nitrogen and snapping turtles, you are exempt from gift giving. - Not even if you really, really want to take part. - Excuse me. Instead of exempt, I should have said forbidden.
Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho- I assure you, your taicho was not in prison because he tried to steal Christmas.
Kusajishi-fukutaicho- For the last time, I am NOT Santa Claus! Stop following me! I am not giving you a pony!
Kyoraku-taicho- Jello shots are not an appropriate Christmas dish.
Madarame Ikaku - Stop trying to re-gift your fukutaicho. That is one gift no one wants.
Matsumoto-fukutaicho - Mistletoe is not an excuse to molest anyone. You're supposed to kiss under the mistletoe, not grab people by their clothes, slam them against the wall, stick your tongue down their throat and attempt to undress them. - Hitsugaya-taicho has requested that you keep your slobber to yourself.
Sado Yasutora- As you were born and spent most of your formative years in the living world, you should know that you kiss at midnight on new years, not Christmas.
Shiba Ganju - You are not in charge of the creation of any Christmas decorations. - Any decorations that you have already created should be turned over to Kurotsuchi-taicho and the Explosive Ordinance Detonation Squad.
Shiba Kukaku- Show a little creativity. Don't give everyone the exact same gift. Especially not fireworks in the form of a jack-in-the-box that goes off when opened.
Shihoin-taicho- Stop abusing your subordinates. Sneaking gifts into people's bedrooms is not a proper use of the onmitsukido. - "Deliver this gift to Zaraki-taicho" is not a traditional yearly test of their abilities.
Soifon-taicho- I will blame your behavior at the Christmas party on too much eggnog. Beating Omaeda senseless for his crime of eating cookies too close to you, dropping crumbs in your hair and down your shirt, was uncalled for.
Ukitake-taicho- Please do not force your third seats to open all gifts you receive from people you don't personally know. There's only so much naked flesh squeezed into tiny boxes they can take before Unohana-taicho must intervene for the sake of their mental health.
Ulquiorra Schiffer- Return to your home, at once, and take a thorough bath. In the future, if your girlfriend slathers you with cupcake scented body lotion just as you're heading out the door, just take the day off. It took three kidou experts and half the science division most of the day to realize that you were not being followed by a horde of drooling people because of your "evil Hollow hypnosis powers".
Unohana-taicho- Your gift of a fully grown chinchilla to Yamada would have likely been better received had it not, the moment he unwrapped it, leap out of the box and onto his face. I am certain that once he recovers from his terror induced fainting spell, he will be quite taken with Pookie.
Urahara Kisuke- As a century long resident of the living world, I would think you would be more than passingly familiar with Christmas traditions. As such, I can only assume you intentionally gave us carnivorous Christmas trees as some sort of twisted joke. If you free the people swallowed by the trees in a prompt manner, I will overlook the trauma suffered by our younger Shinigami who were forced to watch brightly decorated pine trees savaging people.
Yamada Hanataro - I am amazed by what you get up to when intoxicated. No wonder you never drink.
Zaraki-taicho - Yes, you may wear the musical lights in your hair, but this is the only time of year when they are appropriate.