To whom it may concern - Once a day for the past week, I have received a love note and a dozen roses. The notes all read, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me. So throw me down and tie me up, and show me that you like me." As there is not a name for the sender or intended recipient, I am going to assume I received them in error. Please take note that whoever they are meant for has not received them and sending more will not elicit the response you are looking for. Check with your delivery service to be certain they have the right address. - Leave Kurosaki-taicho alone! I know it was you, Ichimaru!
A Very Special Note From Matsumoto-fukutaicho - To whoever thought it would be funny to sneak into my bedroom and cover the inside of all my underwear in clear double-sided tape, I will find you and when I do you will learn the horrors of a brazilian bikini wax.
Aizen Sosuke - Central 46 has informed me that your license to be Big Bad will be expiring in three weeks. You may renew your license through the usual methods of murder and mayhem or through a successful plot against Seireitei. If you do not renew it, you will be downgraded from Big Bad to Vanquished Villain or Inmate, depending on your survival. Kurosaki-taicho has already applied for his Conquering Hero license and is preparing his Nakama for battle. Remember, actions by subordinates do not qualify you for renewal. - In other words, get off your throne and do something or stop smirking at us, you arrogant bastard.
Abarai-fukutaicho- From now on, if you're not sure what something is, call it an unknown being, not Doomy Dooms. - Even if it looks particularly Doomy.
Ayasegawa Yumichika - Stop forming random conga lines. Everyone joins in and Seireitei grinds to a halt. - I don't care if you managed to trick a group of Hollows into congaing off a cliff. Put the maracas away.
Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez- Please do not intentionally throw catnip on Kurosaki-taicho, then pounce him and claim your instincts made you do it.
Hinamori-fukutaicho- Even though your surroundings may spontaneously combust when you are angry, this does not give you the right to purposely set anyone on fire. We know it was intentional. Saying "oops" and giggling cutely will not get you out of trouble. Your cuteness means nothing in the face of the fact that you are a psychotic pyromaniac.
Hisagi-taicho - Congratulations on obtaining bankai. You are hereby promoted to taicho. - Despite your dislike for your shikai, I hope you are satisfied with your bankai. I'm quite certain no one could have predicted the progression from scythes to heavy metal. However, I would like to know why you did not think it necessary to inform me that your zanpakuto spirit's bankai form looks exactly like Jimi Hendrix. - That is really not something to spring on an ally in the heat of battle.
Hitsugaya-taicho- Please take the time to learn people's names, and stop addressing them as "minion of no importance."
Ichimaru-taicho - Stop walking around naked. - No, Kurosaki-taicho did not steal all your clothes in a misguided attempt to gain your affection. Not only is the very idea absurd, you were seen by no less than nine people carrying loads of clothing from your quarters to the tenth division. You didn't even attempt to hide your actions. - Also, while it may not have been your intention, I feel I must point out that, as you are a taicho, you may not move in with Matsumoto-fukutaicho unless you are married. Nor can she, as a fukutaicho, move in with you. You must remain with your own divisions. In fact, Hitsugaya-taicho has repeatedly requested that you not be allowed to set foot in the tenth division, at all. - It may be a betrayal of all I stand for to tell you this, but it really must be said. If you would stop stalking and attempting to molest him and generally being a creepy pervert, Kurosaki-taicho would probably sleep with you. His standards have become noticeably low of late.
Inoue Orihime- Stop telling Hitsugaya-taicho how to run his division. He has been a taicho longer than you have been alive. He does not need any help, especially with being rude to people. - Yes, even if he looks adorable when he's scowling and makes you want to pinch his cheeks and snuggle him between your bosoms. He gets enough of that as it is.
Ise-fukutaicho- Just because a language is considered 'dead' does not mean that it must make a comeback in Soul Society. Stop submitting reports in ancient sumerian.
Ishida Uryu- You are not a one man crusade against tyranny and oppression. Stop sending me pipe bombs and anthrax in the mail. - If this keeps up, I may come to believe you want me dead.
Kira-fukutaicho- When someone gets up from the table mid-meal, do not use your zanpakuto on their cup, no matter how amusing it may be to watch them struggle with it when they return.
Komamura-taicho- Your attempts at charity in Rukongai, while a noble sentiment, might perhaps be met with more gratitude, and less screaming and running away, if you first enlisted Ukitake-taicho to soften the surprise of your appearance. An eight foot tall wolf/fox/weasel-man ladleing out soup perhaps isn't the most soothing image for a hungry soul to face first thing in the morning or late at night.
Kotetsu-fukutaicho- The motto of the fourth division is not "Does Your Body Good", no matter how many new appointments have been made for physicals.
Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro- The next time you decide to have a paintball war in Los Noches, film it. Snipe Aizen for extra points. I suggest the colors neon pink and lemon yellow.
Kuchiki-taicho- "Get-So-Drunk-You-Wake-Up-Next-To-A-Kuchiki-Friday" is no reason to walk around in bankai. - Please do not attach a leash and harness to your sister and drag her around all Friday. She can take care of herself.
Kuchiki-fukutaicho- Stop following people around, hiding behind objects, peering out at them balefully and sending a cold shiver down their backs. - I take it back. It is quite enjoyable to see Zaraki-taicho constantly looking over his shoulder and shivering whenever he catches sight of you.
Kurosaki Isshin - Your children are a menace. All of them. Never again shall you breed. Don't make us enforce this with scalpels.
Kurosaki Karin- Your brother is not going to give you lessons in "ass-kicking". Take your sister and go home.
Kurosaki Yuzu - Puppy eyes are forbidden. Put them away.
Kurosaki-taicho - We do not go fishing for humans. The next time you take your division to the living world, stand in the clouds with fishing poles, hook people by their shirts and drag them up to you, only to declare "nah, too small" and throw them back, you will be demoted. - Even if you're not physically hurting them. You are now the leading cause of mental breakdowns in humans in the Karakura area. - No, you can't have a plaque. This isn't something you should be proud of!
Kurotsuchi-taicho- Please do not greet new recruits with "By years end, I expect only ten percent of you to remain ... human."
Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho- Every red button does not need to be labeled "Do Not Push".
Kusajishi-fukutaicho- Stop catching Hell Butterflies and packing them into empty peanut butter jars. They are not "Peanut Butterflies" and do not come in crunchy and smooth.
Kyoraku-taicho- I admire your dedication to learning the art of manga and your attention to detail, but I doubt the arguments for "tasteful nude" and "It's art, really!" are going to be very convincing when your fukutaicho learns she is the star of your porn manga.
Madarame Ikaku- "Injured in the line of duty" is only a reason for time off if you first visit the fourth division and Unohana-taicho approves it. A hangover is not an injury received in the line of duty, despite the fact that Zaraki-taicho requires you to take part in "Get-So-Drunk-You-Wake-Up-Next-To-A-Kuchiki-Friday". - That's not a real holiday, by the way.
Matsumoto-fukutaicho- If, on one of your many friendly forays into Hueco Mundo, you manage to get Aizen drunk, do not tell him that you're hiding the King in your underwear. No matter how epic the fight between he and Ichimaru-taicho promises to be.
Shiba Ganju- You do not need to "repopulate your clan". Stop propositioning random shinigami you meet on the street.
Shiba Kukaku - You do not need to "repopulate your clan". Stop kidnapping random shinigami and imprisoning them in your harem. - I am almost afraid to ask, but why do you have a harem?
Shihoin-taicho- Please stop training the Onmitsukido by dragging them into Rukongai and tossing them at disaffected peasants wielding large swords while yelling "Turn in ninja heads to get free booze!" - Alright, you win. If they can't defeat normal souls without a drop of reiatsu and armed only with badly forged weapons, they don't deserve to be shinigami. Toss away.
Soifon-taicho- I am aware that Ichimaru-taicho has split loyalties and spends just as much time in Hueco Mundo as he does in Soul Society. There is no need to arrest him for treason every time he returns and drag him before me for punishment. Yes, he's a threat to security. What do you want me to do? I can't seem to keep him out, and he does paperwork. He's even volunteered to do Zaraki-taicho's. It certainly will be nice to receive reports that are not soaked in blood or written in crayon.
Ukitake-taicho- I don't care how good his massages are, either close the door or gag yourself. I am sick of hearing your third seats complaining about how Kurosaki-taicho is cheating on Kuchiki-taicho.
Ulquiorra Schiffer - Kurosaki-taicho is not an example of normal human behavior. He is not an example of normal anything behavior. You do not need a harem, no matter what Inoue says.
Unohana-taicho- Despite the fact that he somehow glued his butt cheeks together more than once, I will not be removing that particular Shinigami from duty. I'm sure that those were isolated incidents and are not an indication of severe mental deficiency. Also, just because someone has a split personality does not mean Kurosaki-taicho wants him in his division.
Urahara Kisuke- What the hell is a 'Kon' and why is it staked out in the women's baths?
Yamada Hanataro- Please stop trying to recruit Zaraki-taicho to your Flying Spaghetti Monster religion. He is not a pirate.
Zaraki-taicho - You and Kusajishi-fukutaicho, stop making carnage angels in the spilled guts of your enemies.