Attention All - Due to several misunderstandings and misidentifications by uninformed individuals, all Shinigami must now wear clearly visible identification with their shihakusho. Also, to the thirteenth and three quarters division: stop beating up the new recruits when they mistake you for members of the fourth, eleventh or twelfth division. - Sometimes, I think if the eleventh and twelfth divisions were anthropomorphisized and had a child, it would be strikingly similar to the thirteenth and three quarters division.
Aizen Sosuke - Despite how amusing it is to watch Hollows fleeing for their lives while carrying large, heavy jugs and protecting them as though they are filled with gold, I must demand that you stop sending your subordinates on 'water runs'. - I don't care that you get twitchy without your bi-hourly fix of tea. - You should have put more thought into your choice of evil lairs. Anyone could tell you that there is no water in Hueco Mundo. - I am getting tired of chasing Arrancar out of my kitchen.
Abarai-fukutaicho - If your taicho asks where you have been for the past two weeks, you will not respond with "Vegas, bitch". - I did not know you sang soprano.
Ayasegawa Yumichika - The song "Peacock" is not about you. Put your pants back on.
Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez - When someone asks what your favorite food is, no matter how true it may be, you should not respond with "Sooouuuls!" - Please stop chasing people with a knife and fork.
Hinamori-fukutaicho - Have you ever heard the phrase 'don't shoot the messenger'? There is a reason why you are never informed of anything. No one is willing to deliver messages to you anymore. Even the Hell Butterflies have threatened to go on strike. - Stop stabbing your taicho in the back.
Hirako-taicho - Just because she appears to be young and adorable does not mean you should treat Hinamori-fukutaicho like you would Sarugaki-fukutaicho. They are both insane, but in their own unique ways. - Unohana-taicho would like me to inform you that you have a steak knife sticking out of your back. She fears there may be nerve damage. Please see her immediately.
Hisagi-taicho - As Sarugaki-fukutaicho seems quite effective at curbing your 'enthusiasm' when running your division, I must reject your request for a co-taicho. Muguruma will be staying where he is, for the time being. - Throwing rocks through my windows will not change anything. - Why must our taicho act like children throwing a temper tantrum when they don't get their way? You were so sane as a fukutaicho.
Hitsugaya-taicho - Just because she held you down and gave you noogies does not mean Kurosaki Karin is a god of greater power than you. You will cease building that fifty-foot-tall golden likeness of her at once. - I know of no zanpakuto that takes the form of a soccer ball, and she is not a Shinigami, no matter her parentage.
Ichimaru-taicho - Stop following Matsumoto-fukutaicho around with a camera when she is drunk, and take off that cheerleader outfit. - I didn't mean in public! Go put your clothes on, now! - One would think I would have learned to choose my words more carefully by now.
Inoue Orihime - Vasto Lorde are not to be used as sex toys.
Ise-fukutaicho - Your mastery of iron war fans is both impressive and terrifying. I'm sure Kyoraku-taicho would agree, were he still conscious.
Ishida Uryu - Stop trying to get a blood sample from Kurosaki-taicho to compare to your own. "He's part everything else, so there's got to be some Quincy in there too" is no excuse. I'm not sure that is even something you can determine from a blood sample. - Stop trying to poke Hitsugaya-taicho and Ukitake-taicho with needles when they least expect it. Just because they both have white hair does not mean they are related. - You are not just 'picking up the slack' left by Kurotsuchi's departure. - And leave Yamada Hanataro alone! The poor boy's already in therapy as it is!
Kira-fukutaicho - Stop playing "What Would Their Kids Look Like" with one of the parents as Ichimaru-taicho. No one wants to contemplate him ever breeding. - I am quite certain that it is physically impossible for Ichimaru-taicho to impregnate Kurosaki-taicho.
Komamura-taicho - I'm sorry, but I don't think it wise to let you visit the living world. Putting aside how difficult it would be to create a gigai to accommodate you, there is still the fact that humans are not accustomed to seeing such 'unique' individuals as yourself walking down the street. - At least wait until the disturbance you caused by accidentally crashing through the roof of a meeting of psychics has faded from people's memory.
Kotetsu-fukutaicho - Kurosaki-taicho visiting Ukitake-taicho while he is recovering in the Fourth is not a photo opportunity for the Shinigami Women's Association. Give the man some privacy!
Kotetsu Kiyone - Telling only Kotetsu-fukutaicho is not a guarantee that 'juicy gossip' will go no further. It is, in fact, a guarantee that half of Seireitei will know by lunchtime. - It is not any of your business who Ukitake-taicho is seeing or what they have been doing together.
Kotsubaki Sentaro - Stay out of Ukitake-taicho's laundry. - You are not just looking out for his well-being. You are being a snoop.
Kuchiki-taicho - Your request for time off citing a need to discipline your family's elders is granted. - Please do not kill the Kuchiki elders for demanding that you break off your relationship with Kurosaki-taicho. Nobles, much like taicho, do not grow on trees.
Kuchiki-fukutaicho - Stop trying to see how many attractive males you can squeeze into Ukitake-taicho's hospital room. An orgy is not going to spontaneously break out.
Kurosaki Isshin - Stop trying to play matchmaker by duct taping random people together. - Zaraki-taicho would like to speak to you regarding your recent attempt involving Kusajishi-fukutaicho hastily taped to Komamura-taicho's back. She may have thought it was a game, but her paternal figure would like to remind you that she is just a child. - By 'remind' I mean 'turn you into hamburger'.
Kurosaki-taicho - As you seem incapable of effectively leading your division and controlling your subordinates, you are hereby placed under the control of Ukitake-taicho. If you didn't want to be under the command of another, you should have considered the consequences of your division's name more carefully. - I rescind the order! I apologize sincerely! Please, just call off your minions! - Stop letting Zaraki babysit Oderschvank!
Kurotsuchi Mayuri - If anyone sees an unknown but attractive male with blue hair and possibly wearing prisoner's clothes, likely skulking around dark alleyways, please alert Soifon-taicho at once. Do not approach this person. He is to be considered extremely dangerous. - This is what happens when psycho clowns are imprisoned and denied their make-up. It does absolutely no good to tell people to be on the lookout for an escaped Kurotsuchi Mayuri when no one knows what he really looks like. - Despite rumors to the contrary, he did not just wipe off the paint and walk out the front door unhindered.
Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho - Solutions to particularly irritating problems should not involve prominently displayed voodoo dolls. - It is not 'Mayuri season'. Put away the shotgun.
Kusajishi-fukutaicho - You are not the Hell Butterfly whisperer.
Kyoraku-taicho - Generally, in the morning one greets their friends with an amiable "good morning", not a dazed and groggy "What the hell did I do last night?" - At least don't wander into a meeting a half-hour late, ask Soifon-taicho said question, puke in the corner and pass out on Ukitake-taicho. - I guarantee that "I figured, she's a ninja, so she knows everything" will not placate her. - "I didn't know I was still drunk" is no excuse for your actions.
Madarame Ikaku - I don't know what is in that live animal transport crate, but the answer is no. Hell no. Absolutely not. Never. Stop it now. - If you release whatever that is into Rukongai, I'm taking away your zanpakuto and sending you to capture it.
Matsumoto-fukutaicho - Stop wandering around Seireitei with a bottle of liquor in one hand and kissing every attractive female you meet. "I was curious" only works the first time.
Neliel tu Oderschvank - I do not want to play tag. Go away. - Where is Kurosaki-taicho when you need him?
Shiba Ganju - I'm almost afraid to ask, but why are you dressed like a pirate?
Shihoin-taicho - Stop singing about your humps.
Soifon-taicho - If you plan to 'whip them into shape', please do not use an actual whip.
Ukitake-taicho - We are saddened, as always, to see you back in the care of the Fourth Division. However, we must request that, when you receive visitors, you remember to close the door. Members of the Shinigami Women's Association are everywhere and seem to have a sixth sense when two or more attractive males are in the same place for very long.
Ulquiorra Schiffer - I know about your second Resureccion. Kurosaki-taicho told Kuchiki-fukutaicho, and she told the Shinigami Women's Association. Hence, everyone knows. - Please stop using it during sex. Do you have any idea what that kind of reiatsu does to a person? - I don't care that Inoue thinks it's kinky or that Kurosaki-taicho gets off on the power rush. - I know way too much about the sex lives of my subordinates.
Unohana-taicho - If you would wear your hair like a normal person you would stop dipping it into your ink pot. - Don't smile at me like that. I speak only the truth.
Urahara-taicho - Stop slipping truth serum into people's food just before meetings. There are some things that should remain unsaid. - I don't care that without it you never would have found out that Kurosaki-taicho thinks you are "evily sexy" and wanted to- Well, as I said, some things should remain unsaid, at least in public settings.
Yadomaru Lisa - Stop hanging around Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro. They are giving you ideas, wrong ideas. - Kurosaki-taicho does not need another best friend.
Yamada Hanataro - I have been hearing many disturbing reports from various sources about people being touched with noodly appendages. Do you have anything to say about this?
Zaraki-taicho - Trebuchets are not to be used for flinging Hollows at other Hollows. I don't care that you want to beat Kusajishi-fukutaicho's distance record. - Hollow cannons are likewise forbidden.
Here is another chapter, in celebration of this fic getting a tvtropes page. I feel so giddy and special.