Attention All - I do not need to hear the details of how Shihoin-taicho ended up stuck in that jar of cat treats. Will someone just please get her out before she suffocates? - Stop carrying her around and displaying her for tips! When she gets free, I am certain she will teach you new lessons in pain. - I can't believe I have to say this, but we DO NOT turn our taicho into sideshow attractions!
Aizen Sosuke - Congratulations on your marriage, however unexpected it may have been. As you are now bound to a (mostly) loyal shinigami, we have decided to call a halt to all aggressions. There will be a probationary period for any of your subordinates who wish to join us and you will continue to wear that reiatsu-suppressing collar. When, and if, we ever decide you have paid your dues (never), we will return your zanpakuto. Go to the thirteenth and three-quarters division and don't come out. - Stop arguing. There are worse fates than being Kurosaki-taicho's slave. Just think, you could be Hinamori-fukutaicho's instead. I've heard she's recently started collecting human skulls. She dresses them up in brown wigs and glasses. She hugs them, calls them 'taicho' and tells them about her day. Some of them were not skulls when she found them. She didn't like it when they talked back, so she made them "quiet".
Abarai-fukutaicho - For inspiring Ichimaru-taicho, you are hereby given the next week off. If you spend it in Vegas, please find some other way to inform your taicho. Or perhaps simply omit the second half of your answer. - Sometimes, your thought processes mystify me.
Ayasegawa Yumichika - It has come to our attention that you may be considerably "out of the loop" concerning certain matters involving Kurosaki-taicho. There is no reason to be alarmed. Everyone is attracted to him. (Except, perhaps, Hinamori-fukutaicho, but she's a whole other ball of crazy.) It's called the Kurosaki Effect™ and it is impossible to resist once it has taken hold. - Honestly, I'm surprised it took this long for you to notice.
Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez - Hypothetically speaking, should Aizen mysteriously develop a fear of felines and a serious case of cat scratch fever, we may overlook the actions of a certain panther Hollow in residence in the thirteenth and three-quarters division. Unohana-taicho may even, hypothetically, refuse treatment to a certain ex-Shinigami. Purely hypothetically, of course. We would never officially encourage such behavior. - I believe Kuchiki-fukutaicho has said she may be making catnip cookies, just so you know.
Hinamori-fukutaicho - Just because Jaegerjaquez called you a "sadistic, ax crazy, psycho bitch" does not mean you should carry around a large ax. - Stop trying to castrate the Arrancar with the ax. Should you somehow manage it, you will only succeed in angering both Kurosaki-taicho and Unohana-taicho. Kurosaki-taicho has mentioned more than once that no one gets to play with his toys except him, and Unohana-taicho has made it quite clear that she does not enjoy reattaching severed male genitalia.
Hirako-taicho - If you would stop smiling at people like that, you would stop getting slapped with sexual harassment lawsuits.
Hisagi-taicho - Please stop staging your own kidnapping and faking your death. Even if we did believe you were dead and replaced you with Muguruma, you would be reinstated upon your return, negating any personal gains from your stunt. - Due to the injuries you sustained during your latest attempt and the massive amount of property damage you have caused by throwing rocks at me every time we cross paths, you are hereby demoted back to fukutaicho. It is our sincere hope that the insanity that plagues our highest ranks will abate given enough time outside the position of taicho. - Despite the fact that it is dangerously close to rewarding bad behavior, we have decided that Muguruma is the best choice for your new taicho. If you throw another rock at me, he will be replaced with Neliel tu Oderschvank. We've been considering experimenting with better integrating our Arrancar members. It should be noted that Oderschvank is most reluctant to be separated from Kurosaki-taicho. She also counts Kusajishi-fukutaicho as her very best friend. Behave and you'll never have to deal with that particular combined menace. - Also, though you and Sarugaki-fukutaicho are to be considered co-fukutaicho, she now outranks you. Enjoy.
Hitsugaya-taicho - Matsumoto-fukutaicho is not your evil counterpart deity and her breasts are not the source of her infernal power. - Honestly, I'm hoping she suffocates you with them and you suffer just enough brain damage to rid you of this insane delusion. - Stay away from Ichimaru-taicho's "friends". You are crazy enough as it is. We dread to think what further time spent in their presence could bring. - No, you may not take "God Lessons" from them! I said stay away from them!
Ichimaru-taicho - For drugging Aizen, dragging Kurosaki-taicho to Las Vegas and getting him drunk, stripping them naked and shoving them in bed together, binding Aizen with a slave collar and connecting it to Kurosaki-taicho, faking a marriage license and convincing them it is legal in Soul Society, thereby single handedly ending the war, you are to be given Seireitei's greatest award. You are a hero of the highest caliber. - You are still a creepy fox-faced pervert. Nothing will change that.
Inoue Orihime - While you may be the Queen of Hueco Mundo, we do not expect you to take a personal hand in the control of any Hollows under Kurosaki-taicho's command. Stop smacking Jaegerjaquez with a rolled up newspaper. And get rid of the spray bottle. We've had several complaints about "friendly fire" incidents.
Ise-fukutaicho - Have you achieved bankai yet? We are seriously considering the benefits of having co-taicho for all divisions. We believe the greatest benefit would be in actually having a taicho who does their job instead of getting drunk, sexually harassing everyone around them and passing out in strange places.
Ishida Uryu - You are hereby added to the list of people not allowed to wear leather pants.
Kira-fukutaicho - Ichimaru-taicho does not need a cult. You will cease your efforts to form one at once. - Why has the entire third division dyed their hair white? - That's not dye? The Alliance came to celebrate Ichimaru-taicho winning the war? Oh no. Quick! Someone hide Ukitake-taicho! - Oh. Nevermind. Kurosaki-taicho seems to have it well in hand.
Kotetsu-fukutaicho - "You need to get laid" is not the cure for every illness. Especially not when the prescription is followed by "I hear Kurosaki has some time available. I'm sure he can pencil you in."
Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro - Please do not attempt to replicate anything you see in anime. - Leave Urahara-taicho alone. He has better things to do than create "Hammer Space". - Nevermind. I have just received a prototype for Shinigami Space from him.
Kuchiki-taicho - I can't believe I'm saying this, but please stop trying to kill Aizen for defiling Kurosaki-taicho. - I'm pretty sure Kurosaki would be the one doing the defiling there anyway.
Kuchiki-fukutaicho - Just because Kurosaki-taicho and Kuchiki-taicho had a rather "explosive" relationship prior to becoming intimately involved does not mean that anyone Kurosaki-taicho actively dislikes and provokes to anger is destined to fall for him. - He is not going to have an epic romance with Aizen. He's not even particularly antagonistic towards him. He just locked him in his room and told him to stay out of his sight.
Kurosaki Isshin - Your son's name is not Leeroy, despite his death-defying ability to ignore all battle plans and charge in blindly. - Thank you. We believe we have now discovered Zaraki-taicho's real name.
Kurosaki-taicho - When you've finished beating up those White-Haired Pretty Boys for trying to corrupt Ukitake-taicho, I would like to speak with you concerning rumors that you have several unauthorized Espada living in your division's barracks. I must remind you that all Hollows must be registered before they are allowed to reside within Seireitei. - What do you mean how did I find out? I heard your screams. - I don't know who let them in, but they're your problem now. If you didn't want them to force their way in and declare residency, you shouldn't have started the trend of picking up random Arrancar.
Kurotsuchi Mayuri - Get back in your cage! - Leave the Arrancar alone! They don't need tentacles! - No one needs tentacles.
Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho - Your Hollow breeding program must come to an end. Pokemon is not a prophetic work and we will not wage war using overpowered electric mice in the future.
Kusajishi-fukutaicho - Please stop emphasizing every sentence by adding "bitch" to the end. Yes, it is disturbingly cute, but we can't tell when you're being serious. If we don't know when you're angry, we don't know when to run away.
Kyoraku-taicho - You are not an honorary member of the Unholy Alliance of White-Haired Pretty Boys just because your best friend is an attractive white-haired male. They do not want you to join their celebration. - Since when have you needed an excuse to get drunk? - The reason you got kicked in a sensitive place for hitting on Ise-fukutaicho is because that wasn't Ise-fukutaicho. That was Kuchiki-fukutaicho and she was not amused. Her brother isn't amused either. I'd hide if I were you.
Madarame Ikaku - You are not to attempt to take on the entire Unholy Alliance of White-Haired Pretty Boys single handedly. Some of them have been classed "world destroyers". Please leave them to Kurosaki-taicho.
Matsumoto-fukutaicho - There is no skinny dipping in public, no matter how loose your morals or how low your inhibitions. - I don't care if Ichimaru-taicho decided to get drunk with his "Alliance" friends and invited you along, then you all went streaking and ended it with a naked pool party. I am going to start arresting people for public indecency. - Kuchiki-taicho would like me to inform you that you left underwear in his rose bushes. Also, you and Ichimaru-taicho are persona non grata at the Kuchiki estate. He has indicated that guard dogs have been purchased and they have your scent.
Neliel tu Oderschvank - Stop chewing on anything you get your hands on. The amount of drool saturating Seireitei is absolutely horrifying. - You are not teething. You're a grown woman in the body of a child. Even if you were a real child, Arrancar don't teethe. Ever. - Why is my office swimming in saliva!?
Sado Yasutora - Stop sneaking up on people and standing behind them silently, waiting to greet them until they turn around. It scares them senseless and the last thing we need are nervous Shinigami. - I don't care that you aren't doing it on purpose. Don't make us put a bell on you.
Shiba Ganju - We do not require any fireworks for our end-of-war celebrations. Also, those are not fireworks. Those are rocket-propelled grenades. I do know the difference. - Stop trying to destroy Seireitei from the inside. Your efforts are insignificant compared to the destruction caused during normal, everyday activities. This is Seireitei. If you want to be considered an "insane badass", go back to Rukongai.
Shiba Kukaku and Shihoin-taicho - Stop comparing your breasts. No matter who's are larger, bouncier or more perfectly shaped, you cannot use them to take over Seireitei. Even if, by some odd quirk of genetics, your breasts did hold some hypnotic power over straight men and bent women, a good half of the most powerful individuals would be completely unaffected. - No, Kurosaki-taicho wouldn't let you take over just because he'd think it's funny. - Stay away from Matsumoto-fukutaicho. She is not the ideal standard to hold yourselves up against.
Soifon-taicho - Please stop trying to assassinate Aizen. We don't care if you kill him or not, but Kurosaki-taicho is on a hair trigger these days. When someone breaks into his house, he tends to attack first and try to extract answers from the paste that used to be the intruder later. As a taicho with only a handful of neuroses, you are far too valuable to lose.
Ukitake-taicho - We admit that the intricacies of Kurosaki-taicho's romantic relationships are generally a mystery to us. (We are not asserting that the two of you have a semi-secret romantic relationship, but we are certainly not stupid or blind.) However, we have noted that you seem to be the only voice of reason he will listen to. You also seem to be a very effective calming influence. As such, we would like to request that you never, ever separate from him. - We are not accusing you of anything, but could you please ask Kurosaki-taicho to move his beating of those who previously kidnapped you away from the twelfth division. Urahara-taicho actually looked a bit concerned when a stray attack came a little too close to his lab. I don't know what he's got in there, but if he looks concerned, we should be terrified.
Ulquiorra Schiffer - We are not going to authorize the building of a wall of seki seki around the thirteenth and three-quarters division just so you can have kinky sex without endangering the rest of Seireitei. - On second thought, the wall might be a good idea, regardless of your motivations.
Unohana-taicho - Just because your mild mannered healers know the best way to patch someone up, and therefore the best way to take them apart, does not mean they should receive special training from both the second and eleventh divisions. Please stop trying to turn them into a secret team of elite assassins.
Urahara-taicho - As the King of Hell, we admit that you know more about that dimension than any other individual in Soul Society. That said, please stop carrying around that puzzle box and fiddling with it whenever you get bored. I'm not sure what the Lament Configuration is, but just being in its presence makes me want to tear off my own skin and burn all the worlds to ash just to spare them the horror.
Yamada Hanataro - It was absolutely terrifying when you put on a surgical mask, snapped on a pair of rubber gloves, picked up a scalpel and asked me if I was particularly attached to my liver. - Please stop spending so much time with Soifon-taicho and the Onmitsukido. - That does not mean you now have twice as much time to spend with Zaraki-taicho. - You don't need new best friends. Certainly not those friends. Stay away from Kusajishi-fukutaicho, Oderschvank and Hinamori-fukutaicho. (That is a very odd combination, considering Hinamori hates Kurosaki and everything associated with him.) - Just, for my own peace of mind, please stick to your own division from now on.
Zaraki-taicho - It is not funny that members of the eleventh division now give Yamada Hanataro a wide berth when they pass him on the street. Just last week, three different groups of Shinigami from the eleventh division were sent to the fourth because of severed limbs, all babbling about "Doc Yamada" and his scalpel of doom. - I fear what will happen when they learn the form his shikai takes. - Threatening your subordinates with a "check-up" with Yamada is not the proper way to go about enforcing discipline.