Series: Blood+
Spoilers: for episode 19
Summary: Haji's thoughts immediately after episode 19-assuming that he's conscious. Author notes at the bottom.
I didn't tell her, and it was a mistake.
I knew why she fought. But I wanted her to remember the reason on her own.
She should only fight if she truly wanted to. That's why I wouldn't tell her. To see her living freely and happily...she wanted to hold on to that life. If she wasn't prepared to let it go, how could I tell her?
Even though she continually asked me to her about her past, somewhere inside, she didn't want to know. She was stopping herself from remembering.
So I didn't tell her.
Unless she already knew her reasons for fighting, if she heard of what she had done in the past, she would never have continued, never have wanted to keep fighting.
I wanted her to remember why she fought. Then I would tell her how. Then I would tell her what. Then I would tell her who.
So I told her, "Only if you're prepared to go down that path again."
She knew she wasn't. She asked again and again, but she wasn't ready.
She wasn't ready, but she still wanted to know. She didn't know she wasn't ready, that her mind wasn't prepared to accept the past. So she kept asking.
If I had told her, she would have turned away in horror. But she wouldn't have gone with them.
It was a mistake, wasn't it?
Saya.
A/N: Oh, lord, I love this series so much. I realize I'm behind what's been released in Japan, but fansubs have only gotten so far, and it's agonizing. I found myself constructing this scenario in my head, so I had to write it down. Really, it's only a POV sort of drabble, but it begged me to be written. The logic is also a bit circular and confusing, but in a way it makes sense, I think. I have no idea if this will be consistent with the series when it moves on, but perhaps its vague enough that that will be the case.