Malcolm in the Middle
(Spring Cleaning Time)
Scene 1
(It is spring-cleaning time in Malcolm's household and all of the boys are forced to chip in, including Hal who is probably the most disappointed. The whole family, except for Francis, is standing in the kitchen.)
Lois: All right boys it is time for some spring-cleaning. (The boys all moan) No, no, no. No moaning or groaning or any of that stuff. Last year I was forced to clean the whole house while you guys were off bowling. (She roles her eyes and puts her hands on her waist)
Hal: Oh, yea. That was the time when I bowled six strikes in a row!
Reese: And when I met Linda. (He looks up into the ceiling an daydreams about her.)
Malcolm: And I ran down the bowling alley while trying to stop Dewey's frog from jumping down the gutter. (He sighs.)
Dewey: And I found my frog, Flora.
(Now all of the guys are staring up in the ceiling dreaming about their memories while bowling. Then Lois breaks the silence.)
Lois: Yep you guys were all off having fun while I was stuck here cleaning the house. So this year we are going to do things a little differently. You guys are in charge of cleaning the whole house before 5 p.m. for that is when I will be coming home from my spa today.
(Now Lois is staring up into the ceiling dreaming about her day in the spa while the boys all have the most shock faces on. Then Hal begins to speak)
Hal: Now honey (he says in a worried voice)… I am not trying to ruin your day here but we don't have enough money for you to spend on some spa.
Lois: Well I already thought about that honey and I already have a solution. You know how we spend a fortune on cleaning tools every year since the boys always wreck our old ones when trying to do pole jumping?
(The boys laugh and give each other high fives but they stop when their mom gives them an evil glare.)
Hal: Well actually I had no idea we were doing that but…
Lois: Well it does not matter if you knew that or not, the point is that this year we did not buy all those expensive tools for we do not need them.
Al the boys: WE DON'T?
Lois: Nope.
Malcolm: Then what the heck are we going to use to clean this house.
Reese: Yea, what he said.
Dewy: Yea, what they said.
(Then they looked at each other as if they were satisfied with what they had accomplished. Then high fives go around and it is silent again until Lois spoke.)
Lois: Well I was thinking about that and this is what we are going to do. Since you guys have ruined my things every year, this year we are going to ruin your stuff. You guys get to clean with your old clothes, old blankets, and whatever else you are willing to sacrifice to get this house clean. (She smiled a little secretive, sneaky smile and put her hands on her hips.)
All the boys together including Hall: WHAT?
Hal: But honey, I mean you cannot make me clean with my own clothes. I mean you can do that to the boys but not me, can you? (He puts on a big begging face and starts to hug her.)
Lois: Well did you clean last year?
Hal: No but you're my wife and I am your husband. (Now is begging face turns into a worried face.)
Lois: Since you did not clean last year and the boys did not either it is only fair if you have the same punishment.
(All the boys start clapping and then Malcolm speaks.)
Malcolm: Finally something is fair around here. (Then he stares at his mom and dad.)
Reese: Yea, what the genius said. (Now he is also staring at his parents.)
Dewey: Yea, what they said. (He joins in staring at Lois and Hal. Soon Lois speaks.)
Lois: You watch you mouths boys or I will make you clean next year too.
(Immediately the boys stop staring and say in unanimity.)
Boys: Sorry.
Malcolm: So you're saying that we four guys have to clean this house in exactly (He looks at his watch.) 6 hours and 52 minutes without any cleaning tools?
Lois: That is exactly what I am saying. So see you guys, I will be back at 5 p.m. and I expect this whole house to be shinning and clean. O yea I almost forgot. If you guys do not accomplish cleaning this house before 5 p.m…
Reese: Oh no!
Lois: there will be no T.V. for a month.
Dewey: What that is so unfair!
Malcolm: Shut-up, you are just going to make it worse.
Reese: No Malcolm, you shut-up. For once I think Dewey might actually be right.
Malcolm: You are too stupid to say that sort of stuff.
Dewey: Thank you Reese. (Then he sticks his tongue out towards Malcolm.)
Malcolm: Dewey shut-up.
Reese: No you shut-up Malcolm.
(Reese punches Malcolm in the arm and Malcolm kicks Reese on the shin. Then a fight begins and soon Hal is there to break it up.)
Hal: All right guys calm down. Lois what should we do with these boys. I guess I could come to the spa with you and let the boys do the cleaning. Doesn't that sound great honey? Don't you think?
(Hal looks up expecting to see Lois's face but instead he sees the old mini van pulling out of the drive way. The boys finally stop and stare out the window with him. Then Dewey speaks.)
Dewey: Now what?
Scene 2
(The four guys are sitting on the couch just staring off into the distance. Lois left half and hour ago and no one has answered Dewey's question. They all look extremely confused and petrified.)
Reese: What should we do?
Malcolm: I guess our only choice is to clean the house.
Reese: Come on man. You're supposed to be the smart one. Can't you think of anything better then that?
Malcolm: I'm so sick of you relying on me to do everything. I mean you are the older one.
Hal: All right nock it off boys. Reese you be quiet and Malcolm think of something.
Malcolm: O all right.
(The screen jumps to a spa where Lois is having the time of her life. She it in a hot tub with some other ladies they are all telling how they managed to get away form their houses and their children.)
One of the ladies: Well I actually am supposed to be shopping for groceries right now. That is always my job. Whenever I ask Tom, my husband, to do so he just says: "In a minute hun" and then he never leaves the chair in front of the T.V. So when I was on my way to the grocery store I saw a father with his son walking home with grocery bags and then it hit me. My husband never does any of the work around the house so he is always on a "break". Well if he can be on a "break" all the time, then I should deserve just a little one. So I came here and left my husband at home. If he needs food he should get it himself.
(Lois and the three other ladies start clapping at the little speech. Then Lois begins to tell her story.)
Lois: Well unlike your story, (Pointing at the lady who had just spoken) I actually have been planning my trip here for almost a year. It all started last year when I was left alone at home having to clean the whole house for Spring Cleaning.
Another lady: Been there. (As she says this she is nodding her head.)
Another lady: Yep, me too.
Lois: Well then you know how frustrating it is to have to be stuck at home while the rest of the family is off running around and enjoying them selves. So that is when I decided I was not going to let this happen any more. So this year all the boys and my husband, Hal, are stuck at home cleaning the house while I am here having my fun time.
All the other ladies: Good for you. Yea, way to go.
Lois: The best part is that every year I have to buy new cleaning utensils since the boys always wreck the old ones playing some stupid games.
Another lady: Yep that happens in my house too. Just last week my two oldest boys were flinging tomatoes across the street to our neighbors using our broomstick. I got so furious that I grounded them for a whole month.
Lois: Yea, it seems like my boys are grounded more then they are not. Well it's just as good that way for it keeps them out of trouble. Anyway I was so sick of them ruining my stuff so I decided not to buy any cleaning things this year. Since they have ruined my stuff every year, I decided this year that they would have to ruin their own stuff to clean the house. So right now they are at home cleaning the whole house with bits and pieces of their own old clothing.
A lady: That is brilliant. I'm gonna have to use that one sometime. We ought to get together like this more often. How about we do it once a month? And then when we get here we can all laugh about how we got out of our own households. Wouldn't that be great?
The ladies: Sounds like a plan!
(A waiter enters the room and offers them a drink.)
Waiter: Champaign ladies?
Ladies: YES PLEASE!
(All the ladies take a glass.)
Lois: To us hardworking mothers. CHEERS! (They clink all the glasses together and all of them have big smiles on their faces.)
Scene 3
(We are now back in the house where the guys are still sitting on the couch with no idea what to do. Finally Malcolm speaks.)
Malcolm: I've got it. Well sort of. There is no way we are getting out of this this year, but I am never going to do it again next year. Mom is doing this as a punishment and if we have the most fun while we are cleaning then she will see that it did not work as a punishment and she will not make us do it again.
Reese: That is brilliant!
Hal: Way to go son!
Malcolm: Oh no never mind it is not brilliant. How are we going to show mom that we had fun while cleaning since she is not here and we have to be done by 5 o'clock p.m.?
Hal: I got it! (He gets off the couch and runs into his bedroom. Soon he comes back with the oldest video camera there ever was. Then he smiles and Malcolm smiles back at him. Then Reese speaks.)
Reese: I don't get it.
Scene 4
(Lois has now come home from her Spa treatment and looks very happy and satisfied. She is sitting on the couch in-between Dewey and Reese. Next to Reese is Malcolm. Hal is up at the VCR fiddling with some buttons.)
Lois: For Gods sake Hal, can't you please speed it up a little?
Hal: I am trying Lois. (He says kind of disturbed.) All right I got it. Now prepare to be amazed honey. (He clicks the "play" button and then runs and squeezes into a small spot on the couch next to Malcolm.)
(A video starts to play on the TV and then you see Dewey pop into the screen.)
Dewey on the TV: I am so happy it is Spring Cleaning time. I was waiting for this all year. (He gives a cheesy smile and them Malcolm appears on the screen.)
Malcolm on the TV: We are going to start off by cleaning the kitchen to take out all the old food.
(The camera moves to the kitchen where you see Reese stuffing himself with all the food he can possibly find.)
Malcolm on the TV: Hey! Let me have some.
(The camera zooms in onto the two eating. Then Reese speaks.)
Reese: This is so good. I wish we could do Spring Cleaning every day for this is just amazing. (He gives another one of those cheesy smiles. The camera starts to turn away from the kitchen but then it is dropped. You here in the back ground)
Hal on TV: Oh, crap!
(The camera is picked up and then turned facing Hal.)
Hal on TV: Sorry about that Lois.
(Now the camera is turned into the living room where Dewy is spreading soap and water on the floor and then using his body as a human mop by sliding across the floor.)
Dewey on TV: Yippee! Thanks mom for letting us clean this year. It is so much fun.
(He takes another leap onto the floor but lands hard on his arm and then starts to cry. The camera rushes towards him and then is buzzed out.
When the screen goes black all the boys look at Lois's reaction.)
Lois: Well I am so happy for you guys. It seems like you had so much fun today and so did I that we ought to do it again next year. What fun it will be! I can hardly wait. (She gives a sneaky smile indicating that she understood their whole plan. Then she walks out of the room leaving four shocked guys on the couch. Reese hits Malcolm,)
Reese: Way to go man! Now we have to do it again next year.
(Malcolm hits Reese in the stomach.)
Malcolm: Shut-up Reese!
Reese: Don't hit me in the stomach you are going to make me throw up from all that food.
(Reese hits Malcolm in the stomach.)
Dewey: I can't wait for next year. That was really fun!
Malcolm and Reese: Shut-up Dewey.
(Then the boys start a big fight and when Hal tries to stop it, it only gets worse. The camera zooms out and then the screen goes black.)
The End