I blame Lauren for this, also the Dad for One fics I've been reading.

Hope you enjoy the chaos!

Come yell at me on my tumblr: Percabeth4Life
Come chat with me on discord: : / discord . gg / 3tGNJhu

OO OO OO OO

The doorbell rang right when they were cutting slices of cake and mom paused to answer it.

"Oh-"

"Hello, my dear, you're looking more beautiful than ever."

Percy poked his head around the wall and saw his mom standing before his dad.

"Dad-"

Poseidon beamed at him, "Perseus, how wonderful to see you again. I hope you don't mind me intruding on your party."

Percy blinked once, twice, then shook his head quickly.

"Not at all."

"Excellent, may I come in?"

Percy's mom squeaked, bright red from his compliment.

"Sure," Percy said, deciding to help out.

Poseidon gently lead Sally into the kitchen where Paul was staring intently.

"Hello," Paul said.

He shot a confused look at Percy's mom.

"Oh-" she shook her head. "Paul, this is- ah- Percy's father, Poseidon."

Paul nodded slowly, eyeing Poseidon.

"I'm Paul Blofis."

"Blowfish you say?" Poseidon's eyes gleamed.

"Blofis," Paul corrected.

"Ah, a shame. I do love Blowfish, did you know their poison is deadly to most, not to dolphins though. Dolphins are also delights."

Percy thought Paul got rather pale at that.

"So why are you here?" Percy asked quickly.

"To see you of course," Poseidon said, his eyes glittering as he focused back on Percy. "It is your birthday, and you've had such an eventful summer."

Percy shuffled, thinking back to Mount St. Helens.

"Ah… yeah."

"Why don't we talk in your room?" Poseidon asked. "I have a present for you."

They went to Percy's room, leaving his mom (who was still flushed) and Paul (who was eyeing Poseidon warily) in the kitchen. Tyson waved to their dad as he came out of the bathroom.

"How are you doing?" Poseidon asked. "I know things were difficult with the camp being invaded."

Percy shuffled, "I- I'm sorry about Mount St. Helens. I didn't mean to-"

Poseidon just frowned, "Why are you sorry?"

"I freed Typhon."

Poseidon nodded solemnly, "You did. It's wonderful. I haven't had a child cause such destruction in centuries. Your power is very impressive."

Percy blinked, "People died."

"Mortals tend to do that," Poseidon agreed. "It's okay, you being destructive is in your nature. You are the child of my most destructive aspect."

"I am?"

Percy didn't know that was a thing.

Poseidon beamed, "You are! It's been a long time since I had a child of that aspect. For some reason Zeus hates those children, can't imagine why. Regardless, it's more than okay for you to cause such destruction. I'm very proud of how you're growing into your power!"

Percy considered, "So it's not a bad thing?"

"Not at all! There are other Gods that handle making sure people are safe. That's not my job right now. And it's certainly not yours either!"

"Huh… didn't realize."

"It's alright, camp is horrible at teaching kids. But I couldn't be prouder, you're my favorite child."

"I am?"

"Yep!"

"Awesome," Percy muttered.

"Keep being yourself," Poseidon encouraged. "I look forward to seeing what else you do. I wonder if you'll inherit storm powers…"

Percy's eyes sparkled, "Wow! I can make storms?"

Poseidon nodded happily, "It's possible!"

"That sounds awesome and like something I would totally love to do!"

"Perhaps I'll get Kym to help you, she's also very destructive. You'll get along wonderfully I'm sure."

"Ooh, I can meet my immortal family?"

Poseidon grinned, "Of course! I would be remiss in my duties as a father to not encourage you to learn more about your powers. Pray to me anytime for advice in that!"

"I will!"

OO OO OO OO

Percy sat on Poseidon's throne, determined to get help.

"Okay, listen, I know that Atlantis is important-"

"It is my home," Poseidon agreed.

"Yes, but also- I have an idea for handling Typhon. Just let Atlantis get destroyed and help the Gods at the last minute."

"You want me to doom thousands of my subjects to death in order to help defeat a force of destruction that can wipe out countries, and you sat on my throne to tell me to do that?"

"Yes."

"Sounds like a wonderful plan, what did you need me to do?"

OO OO OO OO

"And thus I think that Percy deserves the highest honor for saving Olympus," Poseidon declared, smiling sweetly at his Zeus who looked like he wanted literally anything else.

"Yes… we can make him immortal."

"I was thinking you guys could swear to be decent parents."

Zeus frowned, "That sounds hard. It would be easier to make you immortal."

"I think my son has an excellent idea! I vote we be better parents immediately and that I go to my sons next parent-teacher conference."

Zeus glared, Poseidon beamed. Hades snorted, for once glad that he didn't have to deal with them year round.

OO OO OO OO

"I have excellent news!" Poseidon declared to the room full of Gods.

"Oh no," Athena muttered.

"My son is better than all of your children!"

Zeus spluttered and Athena bristled. The others scowled.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Apollo asked, indignant.

"My son challenged three Primordials in the last war, tricked one into keeping him alive, turned another's own realm against them, and weaponized the rivers of the underworld against the third! What have your children done again?"

"Not killed thousands and displaced millions?" Hephaestus muttered.

"Who was it that sent my son on that quest again?" Poseidon wondered.

Hephaestus shut up.

"Poseidon, I am begging you to get your kid to stop destroying things."

Poseidon stared baffled, "But it's wonderful that he does that. I have the news report of him making Mount St. Helens erupt framed."

Hera sighed.

Zeus groaned.

"I can't wait for him to die," Zeus muttered. "He's worse than all your kids put together."

Poseidon admired the picture of his son causing a massive storm while fighting some idiots that thought he was easy prey.

"Hmm? Oh, haven't you heard?"

Zeus stilled, "What?"

"Hades said Percy was banned from going to the underworld, even in death."

Zeus paled rapidly, and Poseidon beamed.

"I'll get to keep my son by my side forever!"

OO OO OO OO

OMAKE 1

Zeus: I know I've done bad things but nothing I've done deserved this

Poseidon: You did offer to make him immortal once, that would have the same results

Zeus: that was before I realized how bad he is

OMAKE 2

Hades: the destruction is your problem not mine

Poseidon: I am so proud of my child! A true child of mine!

Zeus: what crime did I commit to deserve this?

Kronos: *cackling from Tartarus*

OMAKE 3

Percy goes to Tartarus again to rescue Bob

Kronos: hello my dearest Grandson, I've been thinking about my life decisions and feel very bad for my actions. Is there anything I could do to gain your forgiveness?

Percy: wow, you really feel bad? You're not trying to take advantage of my kind and forgiving nature?

Kronos: absolutely not, I would never. You should 100% support me in my goal of becoming a better person

Percy: that sounds like a great idea and something my dad would support wholeheartedly. Swear on your immortal power to not do anything I wouldn't and you have a deal!

Spoiler: Percy just thinks watching Zeus' face turn purple would be hilarious.

(Zeus: you literally blew up a volcano and freed Typhon, and that's not the worst thing you've done. This is not an encouraging oath)

OMAKE 4

Percy: my dad said this city was causing a lot of pollution and that it would be a shame if an earthquake occurred there

Annabeth: Percy, I think destroying stuff is bad

Percy: I hear you, and I love you, so I will do as you wish

Annabeth: wait… that's the city that Grover was complaining about too?

Percy: yeah

Annabeth: … a little earthquake never hurt anyone

(Annabeth does not condone violence, but sometimes she's not looking, she certainly doesn't leave lists of places that could do with a little shaking up around)

OMAKE 5

Poseidon: my child has done nothing wrong ever, I'm delighted by his powers of mass destruction and recommend he definitely shouldn't destroy that one city that's causing a lot of water pollution

Percy: wow, that sounds like something I wouldn't do, ever, it would be a shame if I ended up in that city and there was a freak earthquake that baffled scientists for years to come

Poseidon: truly would be horrendous, here's a train ticket

Zeus, in the background: Now I know damn well you're not encouraging him to create a natural disaster and destroy a city

Poseidon, looking mortally offended by the mere suggestion: Of course I'm not, did you not hear me say that it would be horrendous if he went and there was an earthquake that destroyed it

Percy: creating an earthquake in the city that very second

Zeus: I don't know what I expected but can somebody get Dionysus. I need several drinks.

(Zeus mourns the misery of the rest of his life, Poseidon is delighted, Percy is a little shit, Annabeth has gained immortality because the Gods desperately need her to encourage Percy to not do shit… it backfires, Poseidon and Percy get her on their side)

OO OO OO OO

Thanks for reading! Don't forget to leave a review, they feed my soul.

What did you think of Poseidon here? Did you enjoy the crack? Should I write more crack fics when I have time?

Come yell at me on my tumblr: Percabeth4Life
Come chat with me on discord: : / discord . gg / 3tGNJhu