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And so… we continue on our literary journey with everyone's favourite modern-day gal, Sky, tossed into the realm of the unknown without food, water, or a ceramic hair straightener. Joy.
- An Unsurprising Meeting -
She is slightly breathless after lapping Mirkwood twice on her journey back to where she started from, but this allows for a few more adjective-spewing sentences defining the way the light is now reflecting off her hair and the manner in which Fadowshax is moving his body in order to gallop. Fascinating insight into the story, as always.
She peers through the trees tentatively, ensuring that her hair falls about her face in a seductive manner and her eyes do a top-and-tail oftheir rainbow repertoire and mirror some of the suns rays to various points around the planet -all for the sake of her safety, of course.
And there she spies….drumroll….THE FELLOWSHIP.
It does not concern us that they never passed through Mirkwood on their journey to Mount Doom, nor does it worry us that a group comprising of a skilled ranger, a wise wizard of the Istari, and a woodland elf of the region did not notice the breakneck laps of pointlessness that Sky had achieved just a paragraph ago. Let us all stop and remember that she is BEAUTIFUL, and therefore must be stealthy and silent too. And Fadowshax can obviously move like a cat (what with his 'pacified kitten' act and all) regardless of the fact that he is the size of an iron-pumping RHINO.
It does not take long for our wonder-gal to break a twig. Alternatively, she may rustle the leaves of the bush she is hiding in, or we can always throw the blame at Fadowshax and make him do something as rebellious as exhaling loudly.
This, of course, is entirely ignored by the skilled ranger and wise wizard of the Istari who are too busy acting FORGOTTEN, as it is clearly Legolas's cue to show just how 'keen' his elvish senses are by discovering Sky. This is all because Legolas is an elf, mind you, and nothing to do with the fact that he is a tall, sexy blonde with a nice tight butt and rock-hard abs to match. And besides, he has to be the first to see her, because that PLOT DEVELOPMENT is so excruciatingly unoriginal that readers will want to stick pins in their eyeballs.
Fadowshax is not impressed. He suddenly breaks into 'fierce mountain lion' and proceeds to slam his hooves about the place. But Sky simply makes a dyslexic moaning gurgle affectionately referred to as a 'QUIET MURMER IN THE ELVISH TONGUE' and he conveniently puts a cork in it.
Did we mention she's half-elven? Yes. Elves DO live in New York. Her elven speech allows the exciting use of ITALICS, and prompts many nonsense syllables containing 'ith' and 'wyn' and a ridiculous amount of L's.
Legolas, of course, is enthralled by this. He is spellbound-entranced- fascinated-enraptured and many other Thesaurus words not worth clogging the page with. The rest of the Fellowship concern themselves with being blatantly IGNORED. Legolas promptly goes through every emotion known to man and then proceeds to goggle at her face, hair, mouth, lips, body, height, clothes, feet, toes, earlobes and underarm-hair before marvelling over her personality which he has not yet seen and gasping at the honesty and righteousness she has not yet shown. As you can imagine, this opens a whole new spectrum of OVERUSED ADJECTIVES for us to work through.
Next, it's high time for the rest of the Fellowship to be LOOKED AT. They crash into view in front of Sky, brandishing their weapons and then dropping them at her astonishing beauty. This is enough PLOT DEVELOPMENT for now. Instead, the Fellowship stand around like retarded lumps of clay as Sky proceeds to LOOK AT THEM.
Legolas gets first overview. He is tall, blonde and handsome, and it is very important to note that first, for this must mean he is an excellent fighter and the most important member of the Fellowship. He is an elf, which means he knows everything, but that is mostly irrelevant because Sky knows more. Because elven age is too confusing as it includes numbers with more than 2 digits, we alert everyone to the fact that he LOOKS 24. This is because, obviously, that is Orlando Bloom's age, and he is all we have based the character on, as we have no time for pointless things such as CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.
Frodo has BLUE EYES. This is undoubtedly the most important aspect of his character. We overabuse the description by naming all the possible types of blue there are, and claiming that his eyes possess ALL of them. He is a good-looking hobbit, therefore he is important to, not to mention he is Elijah Wood. The Thesaurus assists with nineteen synonyms for 'CUTE'. Oh and he has a ring.
Aragorn is next, because we have just used all the CUTE words up and therefore have none left for Merry and Pippin at this point in time. Many referrals to his inability to control his pubic hair, passed off as MANLY RUGEDNESS. His muscular body is muscular, and he is rather muscular with muscular muscles and a broad muscularness. Now we have confirmed that he's hot, and if anything goes wrong with Legolas he's the next man in line.
Merry and Pippin go together, because they are not individual characters. Rather, they are happy and cheerful even when being deep-fried in a vat of camel spit. The adjectives for CUTE are taken from Frodo's description and rearranged a little to pass it off as ORIGINAL. Pippin is FUNNY and CLUMSY. He must immediately fall over for no reason at this point to accentuate this. Then we get a chance for the Fellowship to swoon over Sky's 'musical' laugh, which rivals Beethoven's 3rd Symphony in A-minor.
Boromir has a horn.
Gandalf is a wizard, and this is important because this means that whenever he can't do something, Sky will. And therefore she is better than a wizard. Therefore she is powerful. And that means she must be BEAUTIFUL. We have no other use for Gandalf because he is OLD, and we cannot concern ourselves with such things as AGE in a time and place where sexy people rule the earth with their talented eyelash-curling abilities.
Gimli is last. He gets one line of description if he's lucky. This may be for a number of reasons. It may be because he is short, or because he is plump, or because he is John-Rhys Davies or because he has more facial hair than Chewbuka from StarWars. It all basically amounts to the fact that he is UGLY. This means he can't be very important and is often grumpy and maybe he should be kicked in the head just for show. This will be saved for later, however, when it is time for Sky to display her unmatched Martial Arts abilities, as this character development is about as original as...yeah you know.
THUS...we have established the characters in the only way us Mary-Sue'ers know how, and with an update on the tint of Sky's hair-color and the muscle groups in her legs as she walks, it is time to move on into the great unknown…..