The literary disaster continues… (more promised, as soon as I get round to it. I'm a review-slut, yes I admit it). Yeah, you know you are too, so don't give me that look.

- On the Road to Pointless Central -

The day proves to be sunny for approximately 72 hours running, as this is the most effective way for the sunlight to reflect off Sky's many-coloured features for a rundown of the Thesaurus synonyms for a new word we have discovered; MAGICAL. This allows for an enchanting-mystical-ethereal- mysterious-encapsulating appraisal of everything we have already mentioned.

In addition, it is just as pointless to cross-examine the bone-structure of each ATTRACTIVE or CUTE character as they walk, so of course we add this in. The words 'muscular' and 'tanned' are abused violently.

Meanwhile, Gandalf, Boromir and Gimli are mastering the art of piss- farting around, as they strive to remain IGNORED.

Once more attempting CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, Legolas shoots a random arrow at nothing and hits it, Aragorn acts darkly mysterious, Pippin falls over and Frodo still has blue eyes. Oh and he has a ring.

It now becomes apparent that Sam has been completely and utterly forgotten throughout this entire bunch of bullshit. This is most likely because we have no time for such a thing as PROOF READING, and besides, this gives us another chance to discuss someone's reaction to Sky's appearance. Or perhaps its because he is FAT. Not to be deterred, we simply have him appear out of nowhere, delivering a mind-blowingly astounding, extraordinarily witty, humorously analytical and somewhat gravely penetrating line.

"Hi, I'm Sam."

Fadowshax is disturbed and reverts to 'magnificent powerful dragon' right on cue. Sky spouts off some random ITALICS. Alternatively, she does a spinning back kick and manages to bake a zucchini slice in mid air. Either way, Fadowshax puts a cork in it. Back to 'pacified kitten'.

"Illith ano mama golililililiolimin hubba hubba boom boom" says Legolas solemnly, which means shit-all, obviously, but is meant for the soul purpose of "Where the fuck have you been."

"Over there" he says, which answers everything. He is busy marvelling at Sky's underarm hair, and other such things. So is the rest of the Fellowship, who have dropped their weapons once again in astonishment of her beauty. It's going to be a long journey.

The realisation dawns that we are essentially heading nowhere, as we have been all along. No matter, we simply announce at this point that we have been heading to RIVENDELL, for it is important for wise, old elves to goggle at Sky in all her puke-inducing glory. It is equally important for them to look like menopausal gorillas in contrast to her beauty.

For this purpose, we unceremoniously plonk both Glorfindel and Galadriel into Rivendell to avoid the extra trip to Lothlorien, which may dangerously boarder on PLOT ENHANCEMENT. Instead they are in Rivendell because there is a big BANQUET. This may change to a MIDDLE-EARTH DANCE or a pre-teen, non-alcoholic social event booming S Club 7, but for now we will stick with 'banquet' and screw unnecessarily with the plotline later.

It is unclear why the Fellowship is heading to Rivendell, but it must be important because it is Sky's idea. Meanwhile, the leader of the party, Gandalf, allows Sky to lead, as he is too busy engaging in various acts of nothingness. Gimli and Boromir play a complex game of 'Ignore me, I'm old'.

"Friends" says Sky, because she has known them oh-so-long, "we must goeth toeth Rivendelleth, because there's a party. Oh and Elrond's my Dad."

Yes, dear readers, it seems that Elrond once lived in New York. The Fellowship all gasp, but Sky merely laughs at this completely unfunny situation. Cue Beethoven's 5th symphony in G-minor.

In other news, Pippin makes the mistake of looking into Sky's eyes and wets his pants. Let us all stop and remember that he is FUNNY. He then falls over. Isn't he FUNNY.

It is suddenly night time, allowing for the moonlight to reflect in Sky's drug-induced, Jamaican hobbit eyes in the most seductive manner.

To help the Fellowship with their journey to Rivendell, she removes most of her clothing, allows her hair to fall strategically around her body, and does multiple pointless laps to display her 'warrior-princess' look. Fadowshax powers through all three of his schizophrenic personalities, stopping once more conveniently on 'pacified kitten'.

Sentences later, everyone is ready to stop and make camp so that Sky might have a highly personal and alarmingly IRRELEVANT conversation with each member in turn.

Why, you may ask? That is for you to know and us to screw up.