Well, the answer's yes. The much-requested NC-17 chapter WILL be published, so there'll be plenty of bimbo sex to laugh ourselvesinto a coma over. A fanfic just isn't a fanfic without some horizontal lovin' of the unco nature : P Gotta force ourselves through a 'battle scene' and Elrond's piss-up first though, so buckle your seatbelt, keep your hands and feet inside the stratosphere and hold on for dear life…

- Abusing Tolkien Further -

Our little friends have stopped to make camp, acting SEXY, CUTE or IGNORED depending on their measurements, and conveniently ignoring the far off sound of Tolkien turning over in his grave. Finally exhausted from assaulting the Thesaurus for the past 3 chapters, we turn to a new exciting medium that has just come to our attention…TALKING TO EACHOTHER. This is not known as DIALOGUE, because that would severely discredit our attempt at fucking up an already suicidal plotline.

We are tempted by ITALICS, and even more so by BOLD (an exciting new prospect!) but we dismiss this, as thectrl button is annoyingly placed in an awkward position for 'index-finger typing' purposes.

We now choose to acknowledge Bill, who is decidedly CUTE in a HORSEY manner, and therefore deserves to suddenly be remembered for no apparent reason. To give him some relevance amongst all this incomprehensible babble, we have him fall in love with Fadowshax.

Fadowshax, obviously, is now a girl. Yes, his big-balled manliness has been chop-sui'ed by the sword of SPONTANEOUS PLOTSCREWING and his testosterone levels have been shot. This must be, you see, because such things as HOMOSEXUALITY are almost as disturbing as the word SPELLCHECK. It even borders on the realm of FAT and HAIRY. Gimli winces, and rows himself up "don't mind me" creek.

To ensure theirsafety in the dark woods, Sky seats herself on her portable queen-sized bed, changes into her silk pyjamas, saves a third world country and trails her finger seductively from her tongue to her navel. Now they will all be safe.

And with a final giggle of 'The Nutcracker Suite' in harmony with 'Mozart's 5th', she is ready.

FRODO approaches her first, wading through 25 different shades of blue that all claim to be his eye-color. We conveniently ignore his hairy feet, his 3" stature and the fact that he starred in 'Flipper', because this lowers him on the attractiveness scale. Instead, we comment on his eyes. Eggs on toast moment.

"You are beautiful, sexy, hot, talented, intelligent, magical and mysterious, and I'd like tostuff you like a Thanksgiving turkey"

…. he will say, although this may take 3 paragraphs and not be put so bluntly. This is the underlying meaning that we are trying to get across, however. Whatever the manner of his speech, he ends up CRYING, because this allows for the important event of a hobbit-grope as she COMFORTS him by placing his face between her 36D BOOBS.

"We must go fortheth toeth Rivendelleth tomorrow, because I have said this twice now and that makes it an even better idea."

"You are so clever."

"I can see in your eyes that you hide a terrible secret and I know of the ring you possess. I've also watched FOTR 5 times and just stole Galadriel's line."

"You are mysterious. You can have the ring."

"I don't want it for I can resist its power. Similarly, I can defeat Sauron with a blackhead remover."

"You are so powerful."

"Go, my friend, and drink 6-8 glasses of water a day so that you may flush the toxins from your body, and eat only steamed vegetables as fried food my threaten acne upon you."

"Thank you, my queen."

"Never go to bed with wet hair."

And it is done. She has conveniently established a RELATIONSHIP with Frodo. What exactly that relationship is, is about as important as having a STORYLINE. So we ignore it and move on.

Predictably leaving Legolas till last, Merry and Pippin approach. To save time so that we can get to the sex-scene faster, Sam comes with them too. A series of essential POINTLESSNESS follows. Pippin falls over. However, he has now acclaimed two more stupid actions to show his FUNNINESS; cooking bacon and knocking carcasses down walls. This is extremely original. Eggs.Toast.

We are now aware that Merry does not have apersonality at this point, so we assign him one that does about as much credit to him as a paraplegic with a foot-spa.

We must suddenly comment that all this time, Legolas has beenstaring at Sky with the intensity of a homicidal speed junky. For all her INTELLIGENCE, she must naively believe this is because he HATES her, and not because he feels a stirring in his loins, or because she has a spinach-and-ricotta puff stuck between her front teeth.

Eager to comment on the state of Legolas's biceps and the size of his sweat glands, we hurry through the rest of the RELATIONSHIP ESTABLISHMENTS.

ARAGORN throws caution to the wind, and admits that he is soon to be King. Sky obviously knew this already, and Aragorn feels it is his duty to stroke her inner thigh. He is joined by GANDALF, who throws caution to the wind and admits that he is her Grandpa. This makes about as much sense as a sexual affair with a CHEESEGRATER. Following is Gimli, who throws caution to the wind and admits that he is too UGLY to be of importance. We do not comment.

It becomes apparent that Boromir has a HORN.

Thus, we have effectively established shit-all, and are ready to accept Legolas with open legs…ahem…. arms. With a series of remarks on the current state of Sky's circulatory system and the like, Legolas approaches.

"Hello."

Alternatively, he might say "HEL-lo" or "he-LLO", however the meaning is the same; "We're gonna fuck in 3 chapters time."

Readying the 'L' button on the keyboard, she replies with a simple greeting of the same nature in the ELVISH TONGUE.

"Illllimilliliolioln llasalililiolinifiril il lil lil lo nonlle grylllalislaylal alililith grylil nol linnali galwynli lo lalalid grirliillin liboliliswlinli lllllalinli lolaalin rinlililin lolagwynlalda lilalol illlimathilanola lill nadalilaboba lillabalablal nollllolathalath lithli lonlililala locindellla lllilanthilllislii lllaillilin llillalllallilnlllillin lala nan lile lithl linta la lilide lllllalinli lolaalin rinlililin lolagwynlalda lilalol illlimathilanola lill nadalilaboba lillabalablal nollllolathalath lithli lonlililala lallala la la la boom boom." Translation: "Hi".

This suitably impresses Legolas, and sends all epileptic readers into an involuntary spastic fit. Dyslexics promptly lapse into a coma.

She continues with as muchflair as Robbie Williams at a Japanese tea ceremony. With the spasmodic urgency of a headless chicken she suddenly bursts into tears. These tears have the ability to well up in her eyes so that Legolas can see his ENTIRE LIFE tumble out of them. When Sky has finished blubbering out approximately 2 millenniums of elven sexual encounters, Legolas feels it is his duty to wipe them from her face with his hand. This is because he is CONCERNED for her, and not because he is FANTASISING BLATENTLY and will run off to engage in some PRIVATE ACTIVITIES minutes later.

The outcome of all this is that Sky has managed to POUR HER HEART OUT to a beautiful, wise, majestic, young woodland elf whom she now trusts and cares for deeply, who she'd do anything for and is willing to risk her life to save, who she honors and respects unquestionably; and Legolas is HORNY.

We are ready to move on, so the daydawns in half a sentence flat, and Pippin promptly knocks a randomcarcass down a wall. So Sky, Legolas, Blue- eyes, Muscular, Funny, Random-hobbits, Old, Fat and Horn all proceed on their journey with all the nail-biting, heart-gripping enthusiasm of a constipated tortoise.