My fault.

My fault.

My fault.

The thought continues to haunt me even after I return to Abel. It continues after I clean up and eat. It continues as I help Sam learn more Morse Code, although he knows it fairly well by now. And it haunts me now as I lay on my bed, tossing and turning in an attempt to fall asleep.

My fault.

My fault.

My fault.

I know! I'm sorry! I should've done something to save him!

I wrap my head around my small pillow in attempt to stop the voices of guilt in my head. I try so hard not to care, but even though I never knew him he was still a person-a life. He still had goals and dreams just like anyone I cared about. I know if I had known him-really known him-it would be so much worse. The guilt; the voices.

It's not just Lem, it whispers just loud enough to send shivers down my spine. It's Wes. It's Sierra. It's Mom and Dad. It's Julia and Elijah and Jessica and Jeremiah and Uncle Mike and-

I open my mouth in silent scream. Those names are names I never want to think about. I don't like hearing the names of my old friends, but those I'm guilty for. Oh, God...

I'm a murderer. I'm a monster.

I'm sorry...

Sorry will never be enough.

I grit my teeth and force myself out of bed, grabbing my only other pair of shoes besides trainers. I slip them on to keep my feet from getting too cold, although I know I deserve it. I deserve any type of pain and discomfort that comes my way.

It's dark out and past curfew but I don't care to be honest. I just want to get away from this tent. And I do so not caring a bit of what I look like. All messy haired and in my nightgown, with old worn out boots that are far from comfortable, I head outside.

I trudge along, feeling goosebumps rise on my skin. The colder it gets the more I pray that we'll be able to build buildings for people to stay in and not tents, because we already are battling with the epidemic of a zombie plague. Adding colds, strep throat, the flu, and countless other viruses are not something that's needed now, especially considering how little medical supplies Abel has. Even the few I got does little to help.

"Runner Five, what are you doing out here?"

I turn sharply and see Janine. Her blue eyes somehow seem sharper and slightly more terrifying in the dark night, and braided black hair blends into the night behind her. She watches me with arms crossed and a slightly annoyed look. I give her a simple shrug.

'Couldn't sleep.'

"Unlike Morse Code sign language is one thing I wasn't taught, Runner Five."

I sigh and refrain from rolling my eyes as I crouch down and write out my answer in the dirt.

'Couldn't sleep.'

"Ah, I see. Is something troubling you?" She asks, although her voice shows no actual concern.

'You could say that.' I cringe as I feel the dirt collecting under my nail, but I don't think anyone will judge, as long as I clean them before I help out in the kitchen.

"Mr. Yao informed me that you went on your first mission after that night out with the zoms," She says, and her voice once again shows no emotion. "And how you received a headset from a New Canton runner-"

Her words instantly stop as I begin to create words into the cold dirt at my feet. 'His name was Lem.'

"Ah, yes. Mr. Yao mentioned that as well, but I don't see your interest in my knowing his name when you won't tell anyone yours."

I freeze at her words. My jaw clenched and I can feel my steady tight shoulders tense painfully. My eyes dart up to meet hers and even in the darkness, the few lights all looking outside the city for potential threats-I see her eyebrows go up in slight surprise at the deadly glare I know I'm sending her.

'I have a reason I don't want people to know my name. All of which are personal.' I look down at the ground, mentally finishing what I can't bring myself to write.

You wouldn't understand.

"Runner, Five," Janine sighs, changing the subject, "casualties are bound to happen. It is one of the many things I've learned in my training and during these years in the apocalypse. There's nothing you could have done to save him.'

That's what I've been told about everyone else I'm guilty of killing too.

I look up and see a glint of sympathy in her eyes, but it's gone before I can truly acknowledge its existence. Her face is back to its serious expression, whatever was there before long gone.

"Now, off to bed. You may not be scheduled for a run tomorrow but you will have to help in the kitchen. I hear you're quite good in it, and if an emergency does come up with us needing you to run then you'll need your energy."

I tip my head to the side in question. How did she know that I didn't-

"Mr. Yao seems to think you still need more time to recover after your last running incident," She answers before I can question it, and then quickly mumbles, "which was partly my fault for thinking New Canton would change after all these years."

I keep my scoff trapped inside my throat. Partly?

"Now go. You need your rest, Runner Five..." Her voice trails off as her brows scrunch together in thought. "And try not to think about the people that we've lost, friends or not. You think on it too much and it will consume you."

'Do you know this from experience?' I write out, peering up with questioning eyes. She doesn't answer.

"Goodnight, Runner Five." Her voice is still stern, but there's a softness to it as she walks off, her boots making little noise against the cold ground.

I slowly stand and rub my arms in hopes it will warm them up just a bit. This thin nightgown does little to keep out the cold. I drag my foot along my words in the dirt, destroying them for no one else to see. With a small yawn and tiredly rubbing at my eyes-with my clean hand, of course-I take small, slow steps back to my tent, with tiredness taking over even with the small voice that continues to never cease.

"Psst, Runner Five," A voice whispers from beside me.

Instantly I'm wide awake. I jump and blindly take a swing, my fist landing on the unknown person's jaw. I hear a grunt of pain, and it is only then I recognize the voice. I mentally curse.

"Damn, you wouldn't need a weapon to kill a zom. Hit 'em hard enough and you'll knock its head right off," Caleb exaggerates, rubbing his jaw.

'Sorry. I didn't see it was you and you scared me and-'

He grabs my wrists to stop me, and while I'm sure he actually didn't read a single thing from my hands, he smiles at me kindly if not a bit painfully.

"It's alright," He says, releasing my hands, which I awkwardly let hand down at my sides. "Didn't know you could punch that hard though. Remind me never to get on your bad side."

He now seems to notice my appearance. His eyes widen as he sees my messy hair and dull complexion. "You look uh... wow. It's a good look for you, really."

I smile as he laughs quietly at his own sarcasm. 'What are you doing out here?'

"I could ask the same from you," He replies. "But I've leaned no one actually goes to sleep past curfew. Usually they're up playing games or making up plans to steal some of the kitchen's wine that they keep hidden."

I blink. I didn't even know the kitchen had red wine in stock. Although I guess to me it doesn't exactly matter since I'm under age. Are drinking laws different in Britain than they are in America? It's the zombie apocalypse, do drinking laws even matter anymore?

"Or they could be doing other things that I don't know or care to know about," He shrugs, but then his gaze turns serious as he looks into my eyes. "I saw you talking to Janine. You were writing on the ground so I couldn't exactly see what you were saying but with Janine's responses I'm guessing something happened on you first mission back out in the field?"

'Were you spying on me?' I evade the question by giving him a pointed look.

"I wouldn't say spying. It's more like, concerned watching," He corrects, and I continue to stand there unimpressed. "I don't know what happened on your mission, except that you brought back some medical pacs but that's because I help out in the hospital. Did something happen?"

I look away instead of answering, finding the ground and my shivering feet much more interesting than anything else at the moment. I feel Caleb's hand brush onto my shoulder, and I pull back instantly.

My eyes look into his through the darkness and yet I still can't ignore the sadness I see within them. "You can tell me, you know."

I look at him with a emotionless expression. Can I really?

'I was sent to pick up some med pacs and then I was told to go to the old mill to get some food that was stored there.'

Caleb leans against the building-one of the few in the Township-behind him. His eyes are wide and watching my hands through the darkness, and I hesitate to continue.

'When I got to the barn, there were zombies surrounding it. About fifty Sam said. There was a man on top of the mill who'd been trapped there for two days.'

"The New Canton runner?" He guesses, and I give him a questioning look to which he shrugs. "I overheard Janine when she was talking, remember?"

I nod. 'His name was Lem. I led some of the zoms away but a few stayed while he was coming down and he... got bit.'

"Oh... well I can see why you'd feel bad about it. Even if it's someone you don't know seeing them die-"

I raise up a hand to stop him. 'I don't just feel bad. I feel... guilty."

"Guilty?" Caleb repeats. "Why do you feel guilty? You didn't do anything."

'I should've done something. He led those zoms away because he was dying. He made things easier for me, and he was the one about to turn. I should've done something to prevent that from happening.'

"Like what?"

'I don't know,' I reply. 'I could've found a way to lead them all away, or something. And at the the least I could've given him a mercy kill.'

I didn't even think about that.

But wouldn't I still feel guilty about that too?

"If you had you would've had fifty of the undead chasing after you," Caleb retorts. "You didn't do anything wrong."

'So I'm told.'

"What does that mean?"

I just huff and look away. That's what I was told about everyone else who's deaths I'm responsible for, but I'm not stupid. I know it was my fault. Especially... especially Wes.

I hear a sigh from Caleb. "Ya know, for someone who doesn't like people all that much you sure seem to care about them quite a bit."

'Who said I don't like people?' I ask as I bring myself to face him.

"Your face when you see them." He smirks, and I roll my eyes.

'I don't dislike people. I dislike talking to them, and I care because they're people-living, breathing people.' I wring my hands out for a short second. 'I don't like to see them die, especially when I could've done something to stop it.'

I wait to see if Caleb will interject, but he doesn't. Instead he just watches me with a blank face, and I can see in his eyes the anticipation for me to keep going.

'It's kind of dumb though, to still think like that since it's been almost three and a half years since the world went to hell.' That's what I was told anyway. That's what I was trained to think. I attempt to make an amused face, but it doesn't turn out a well as I hoped.

Caleb shakes his head at that. "That's not true. If you just accepted it then you'd be one of those heartless people from the base you were sent from-Mullins," He grimaces. "Yeah, I've met some of those guys. Not fun."

I smile at that... I didn't know Sierra that well. Was she like everyone else there too? Most likely. But still, she was still a person.

'But that's what I was taught to do. What's I'm supposed to do. They taught me that at Mullins and at... the place I was before Mullins.'

"You lived somewhere before Mullins?"

'For a year.' I respond, shifting uncomfortably. 'I don't like to talk about it.'

"Huh," He hums. "I've never been anywhere besides Brunswick. I mean, I'm here at Abel but..." He shrugs, and I smile.

'It's not all that. Trust me.'

Caleb smiles widely at my banter. "Do you feel better now?"

I nod sleepily, not bothering to tell him about the voices that still linger in my head. Although, they are a lot more quiet now.

"Good. Now come here."

What?

Before I can question his words I'm wrapped in his arms, and I instantly stiffen, my muscles tensing up greatly.

What the hell is he doing?

"Now I know what you're thinking, but this is a friend hug. You probably haven't had one in a while, but we've just had a moment, so embrace it."

I start to squirm in his arms, and he hugs me tighter.

"Embrace it."

He says the same thing when I shift uncomfortably. Finally I stay still, not moving my arms around him since they are trapped at my sides, although I wouldn't have done that anyway.

Is our moment almost over yet? I ask, partially regretting telling him about my guilt. But that those thoughts are erased from my mind as I see a shadow dart passed into hiding behind the building Caleb had been leaning upon.

I wiggle out of Caleb's grasp, and start walking slowly towards the back of the building.

"Hey, I said embrace the moment!"

I look back at him and place my finger over my lips. My glare as I do so shuts him up in a second. I turn back towards the back of the building, slowly making my way there, and when I peek over the corner I see...

Nothing. Nothing but the blackness of night. With knotted brows I turn back and make my way back to Caleb.

'Sorry. Thought I saw someone.'

"Like I said, no one actually goes to bed on curfew."

'I do, usually.'

"Which is why you have like, four friends. Three of which are little kids and the other me."

'What about Sam?' I ask, but quickly notice my mistake in asking as I don't even give him the chance to open his mouth before I sign, "Don't answer that.'

He smirks at me. "I don't need to for you to know what I was going to say."

'What if someone saw us?' I question, ignoring his comment.

"Why are you worried?"

'Because there are people in the Township who don't exactly trust me," I say, looking around a bit nervously. 'If they think I've been sneaking around here at night while everyone is supposed to be asleep...'

"Well, they've seen you here with me, so the only think they'd think is that we're sneaking around together." He chuckles. "So the only thing you'd have to worry about is that getting around, but this is a Township, not a high school, so you should be fine."

'Thanks, I guess,' I sign, but I don't feel that reassured. Caleb still grins at my words.

"Anytime. Now you have two options: you could go back to bed even though you aren't scheduled for a run tomorrow, or you could stay up a little bit longer and hang with me."

'What do you plan on doing?'

"Usually I just climb this building and look at the stars," He shrugs before quickly adding, "or spy on people. Whatever feels right at the time."

'So you were spying,' I say with a sly grin.

"Maybe," He answers, dragging out the word and stuffing his hands in his pockets. "So what's it gonna be? You coming or what?

'You know if Janine catches us we'll get in some pretty big trouble, right?'

The smile he gives me is nothing short of devious. "That makes it all the more fun."

I roll my eyes and scoff. 'Troublemaker.'

"You know it. Now come on." He reaches out to grab my hand but stops when I jerk back. He lets his hand fall to his side awkwardly. "Well, uh, yeah. Let's go see if we can find a building to climb or something."

•

I rub my eyes tiredly with one hand and use the other to stifle a yawn. Even though I only stayed up an extra hour after talking to Caleb, I still feel exhausted from that hour's lack of sleep.

As I peel open the can of pineapples with the can opener and dump them into a bowl, I hear a voice that nearly makes me jump out of my skin.

"You sure do seem tired."

I twirl around and see two people standing outside the kitchen: One person I do like, one I simply tolerate.

"Good morning, Runner Five," Sam says cheerily, but his smile falters when he notices the dark circles that have most definitely found their way under my eyes. "I'm guessing you didn't get much sleep last night."

I shake my head, adding the pineapples to the batter mix someone had found while raiding a store.

"You seem to be needing some help there, Five," Sarah says with a glint in her eye. "Good thing I've been asked to help out in the kitchens today."

'Thank you,' I reply with out making eye contact. She makes her way inside the kitchen as Sam stands there silently.

"Um, Runner Five?" He says hesitantly.

I look up at him with tired eyes, and he smiles. His eyes show a bit of worry.

"Are you alright, Five?" He asks, voice slightly laced with concern.

'I just couldn't sleep last night. I am fine. Don't worry.' I go back to working on the batter while Sarah takes it to start making the pancakes.

"Th-that's not what I meant," He stutters, and I look at him once again, waiting for him to explain. "I meant about yesterday. With Lem. I know you feel bad about it."

'Did Caleb talk to you or something?'

Sam blinks in confusion. "Caleb? No, why? What does Caleb have to do with this?"

'Nothing,' I respond with a shake of my head. 'But you are right. I do feel bad about it, but we can talk about that later or something... but when and if we do, don't hug me. Please just don't."

"Why-why would I do that?" Sam asks in confusion. His face becomes even more so as I sigh and rub my temples.

'It's complicated.'

He seems a bit skeptical at that, but let's it go. "Alright. I'll talk to you later then. I have to get everything ready at the coms shack since I have some runner scheduled to run right after breakfast."

He gives a wave goodbye and then starts to walk off before stopping. "Hey, uh, Five? I look forward to hearing the complicated story about the hugging, alright?"

Before I can reply he's already turned and is walking off.

Great. Now I'm going to have to come up with something.

"You know, Five," Sarah says poring a portion of the batter into the pan, it sizzling nicely, "I usually make banana pancakes when I am asked to help out with breakfast. Although I never use real bananas; Haven't seen one of those in years."

I nod in reply as I open up another can of pineapples. I cringe at the sound of the can's metal being cut. That sound always makes me cringe.

"So, Five, why did you have trouble sleeping last night?"

I shrug in reply.

"After all we have a curfew, and it's not like another would think to, I don't know, sneak around at night. Especially you, since you know that would cause suspicion."

I try to play it off and make her believe her words have no effect on me but in reality my shoulders are tense and the grip I have on the spatula in my hand is so tight my knuckles are turning white.

"I mean, I guess teenagers like yourself like to sneak out at night, cause some harmless mischief but you're from Mullins. They've taught you to keep serious and only do the thing that is necessary, right?"

I can feel her gaze burning into my head as I continue stirring the batter.

"You're right. I should get back to cooking. I'm sure you have nothing to hide."

And then there's silence, only my mixing and the the batter sizzling on the pan serving as noise. And I realize that Sarah was the one who I saw last night, and she is the person most suspicious of me.

Just great.

A/N: Hey! Hope you all like this chapter! Please be sure to vote and comment if you did! Thanks!