It's the month of February at PS 118. Love is in the air with Valentine's Day being a day away, along with the school's Valentine's semi-formal dance coming up on Friday. Arnold is planning to go with a certain "ever so perfect" girl.
SCENE: On the bus heading to PS 118. Arnold and Gerald are in their usual seat, along with all the other kids. Gerald is listening to his latest CD. Arnold is staring out the window, looking on at the passers by.
Gerald: (Singing along to music.) Uh-uh-uh, come on, girl… shake ya tail now…
Arnold: (Taps Gerald on shoulder.) Hey, Gerald.
Gerald: (Lifting headphones.) You've got a lot of nerve interrupting my Fluff Father CD.
Arnold: Sorry. You know the Valentine's semi-formal is this Friday, right?
Gerald: (Takes his headphones off.) Didn't we have this same conversation once before? In fact, I think this is the same bus and same seat we were sitting in too… which means that there must be a glitch in the mat…
Arnold: (Arms crossed.) Do you think I should ask… you know… to the dance?
Gerald: This is getting really old, Arnold. I don't know how many times I have to punt it through that football-head of yours that Lila doesn't like you like you, she just "likes you".
Arnold: Well, yeah, but we can't forget that at one time…
Gerald: Ruth.
Arnold: What?
Gerald: What about you and Ruth? After you actually met her, you didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore.
Arnold: (Pauses for a moment.) Who's Ruth again?
Gerald: I don't even know why I bother.
Arnold: What do you think though?
Gerald: I don't know. I myself do not think that she'll accept, but then again I think you'll probably stumble over yourself asking her… no offence.
Arnold: Not this time, Gerald. This time I will change her mind. One way or another, she will be mine, Gerald. Oh yes, she will be mine.
Gerald: Sure Arnold. By the way, I left the copy of Wayne's World I got from Video Palace at your house. My dad says that if we don't get it back to them by tomorrow, I'm gonna be grounded for a week.
Arnold: (Has his devious planning face on, sort of a Mr. Burns hand thing going when he says "excellent". Totally oblivious to what Gerald said.) Yes…
Gerald: Arnold? Arnold? Arnold!
Arnold: Huh? Oh, sorry Gerald. I was just thinking about my masterplan.
Gerald: Masterplan?
Arnold: Yeah, the whole scheme of operations in which I shall finally move my way into Lila's heart.
Gerald: (A little puzzled.) Okay… okay… Sounds like you're gonna take your game to another level.
Arnold: Another level? Nuh-uh, Gerald. This is a totally different game. This is a completely different language! This is a… (Bus screeches its brakes and Arnold is interrupted by being slammed into the seat in front of him.)
Gerald: This is where we stop.
SCENE: PS 118 cafeteria, beginning of lunch. Arnold is steadily writing something down on a piece of paper; Gerald comes over with his lunch tray. Before he sits down, he says…
Gerald: Hey Arnold, you gotta try the mystery meat. It's actually not half bad. (Sits down and takes a bite.) It kind of reminds me of… a mix between lamb and lobster. I'm gonna start calling it lambster.
Arnold: (Writing.) Sure.
Gerald: (Aware that Arnold's not listening.) I also played chess with a werewolf on the moon last hour.
Arnold: Not that much.
Gerald: Are you even on this planet today?
Arnold: (Looks up.) Oh, sorry. I'm just busy working out the details of my masterplan.
Gerald: Arnold, why do you torture yourself over this one girl? I mean there are tons of others you could choose from. There's… well there's… um, that… no. What about… nah… Have you ever thought about looking into another school district?
Arnold: I don't want some other girl. I'm the perfect match for Lila.
Gerald: Match? Please, Arnold, you two are totally different people, totally opposite. It's like pairing up a cat with a dog… and not one of those cat-friendly beagles, one of those hard, tear a kitten in half junkyard mutts. (Takes a big piece of mystery meat and starts chompin' away.)
Arnold: But opposites attract.
Gerald: (Mouth full of food.) Isn't that a Paula Abdul song?
Arnold: (Thinks for a minute.) Wow, it is… why do I know this?
Gerald: You two have nothing in common.
Arnold: But that's what makes a great relationship work. What's the point in hanging around someone who's exactly the way that you yourself act? You want someone completely different to add some excitement in the time you spend together.
Gerald: But it also means that the two of you will have plenty to disagree about.
Arnold: Look, the main thing is this masterplan can't fail. It's fool proof.
Gerald: I hope so, 'cause you're one big fool. (Rim shot.) Did you just hear that?
Arnold: It happens all the time, I've tuned it out. Hey! Anyway, here's what I got planned. Number one – Rent a limo…
Gerald: Whoa, whoa! This is a Valentine's Day dance, not a Senior Prom! Where are you going to get the money for a limo anyway?
Arnold: Eugene's uncle is a driver for the limo service here in town. I asked if he could cut me a deal.
Gerald: Eugene's uncle? Are you sure that's a good idea?
Eugene: (Walking by with lunch tray, trips over his untied shoelace and falls to the ground, his face landing right into the mystery meat.) I'm okay. (Some anonymous kids walk over his head and push his face down even further into his food.) Okay, that may have broken my nose.
Helga: (She's sitting at her usual table with Phoebe looking over at all fallen Eugene…) Poor, poor loser. (…then her eyes shift to Arnold as she listens to his conversation with Gerald.)
Arnold: (Heard from Helga's table.) Number two – Pick up Lila at her house and surprise her with a bouquet of carnations.
Gerald: I'm so surprised.
Arnold: What? Flowers are a necessity, even with a small dance like this.
Gerald: Yeah, but carnations?
Helga: Lila! Mmm, what is that football-head up too? Probably going to ask Little Miss Can't-Be-Wrong to the dance. Hmpf! Why does he bend his back over her? I can't stand his persistence. I can't stand the way he ogles over her. I can't stand the way his hair parts at that little blue hat! And yet… (Looks around, Phoebe's face is buried in a trigonometry book. Takes out her locket.) I admire his persistence. I admire that he has enough love in him to obsess over one undyingly. And the hat really takes your eyes off his football-shaped head and more into his soul. I love his spirit of never giving up, never giving in, even if all the odds are stacked against him. (Caressing locket in hands.) Oh, my precious Arnold, why can't I be your object of affection?
Brainy: (Creeping up into an empty chair beside Helga.) Wheeze, wheeze, wheeze.
Helga: (Her fist is making a direct line to Brainy's face, but she turns her head and stops her fist just as it is going to make impact.) Brainy, what happened to your glasses?
Brainy: Wheeze, wheeze, wheeze. Uh… contacts. Wheeze, wheeze, wheeze.
Helga: Hmm. I must admit you look good without them Brainy. (Leaning into his face, teasing him.) Like a blonde-haired Brendan Fraser.
Brainy: (Heart is thumping like a jackhammer, he's sweating like a cold can of Coke on a hot summer's day.)
Helga: (Slowly takes her hand down the side of Brainy's face.) You know, a girl could get used to a face like that.
Brainy: (Heart is pumping off the charts. His contacts pop out and one hits a messy Eugene just getting up from his incident in his face, and sends him back down into the meat. Brainy blacks out and slides limply out of the chair.)
Helga: (Looks at her watch.) Not bad for a lightweight. Usually I expect 'em to go down a little quicker, but he put up a good fight.
Phoebe: (Puts her book down and looks over.) Helga, what'd you do?
Helga: (Very casually.) Me, I didn't do anything. Ol' Betsy's on a holiday today. I've just lost the drive to punch.
Phoebe: Huh… (Puts her book back up.)
Helga: (Aside.) Now back to the issue at hand. I gotta stop Lila from going along with Arnold to the dance, but how? I mean, what if this time she actually gives in? What if this time his hair-brain scheme will actually work? I can't let it happen! He will be mine! Oh, yes, he will be… (Bowl of pudding flies through the air and hits Helga in the face. She scowls over at Harold pointing at her and laughing.)
Harold: I told you I could make it from here! Where's that chocolate milk?
Sid: (I'm not so sure off the top of my head who he sits with besides Stinky, but in this story he's sitting with Harold and Stinky.) Here. (Hands him the chocolate milk off of his tray.)
Harold: All right! Hey, how much you wanna bet I can hit her with this from here?
Helga: (Wipes off most of the pudding with her hand in a large stripe going down her face.) Betsy, you're clocking in some overtime. (She gets up from her table.)
Arnold: (Back at their table. While they are talking, faintly in the background you can hear the noises of punches and Harold screaming mercy.) Okay fine, I'll get roses instead of the carnations.
Gerald: All carnations say is that you couldn't afford roses anyway, and you're already going all out with the limo. Besides, girls dig roses.
Arnold: You know, for someone who has all this romantic type advice, you sure don't use it on anyone.
Gerald: Oh, believe me, Arnold, I'll use it… (Looks over at Phoebe.) …eventually. (Phoebe pops her head out of her book. He smiles, she smiles. Helga sits back down.)
Helga: Phoebe, ya got any paper?
Phoebe: (Disturbed.) Huh? Oh, paper? Yeah. (Reaches in a binder and pulls a sheet out.) Here you go.
Helga: Thanks. (Phoebe puts her face back in her book.) Let's see, number one in my list of priorities – DESTROY LILA! Nah, to messy… and complicated. Cops would be swarming the house. They'd probably also catch Bob for all of his parking violations too. I'd never hear the end of that one.
Arnold: (Back at their table.) Number three – Memorize some cheesy yet romantic one-liners and woo her.
Gerald: (Hand on forehead.) Are you trying to sound like some John Hughes movie?
Arnold: Number four – Get the DJ to play some songs from these CDs of slow dance music. (Hands Gerald the CDs.)
Gerald: Slow Sultry Hits of the 70s and Romantic Ballads of the 80s? Nah, that ain't happenin'. DJs will take requests, but they won't throw on CDs that you hand them.
Arnold: They won't?
Gerald: If they did that, nobody would need DJs; they'd just trust the good people at K-Tel.
Arnold: Number five – Make an overall great impression on Lila and get a goodnight kiss.
Gerald: (Going through the CD tracks.) Chicago? Debbie Gibson? Air Supply? What kind of junk do you listen to! Barry White? …Actually, he is pretty good… but not this song!
Arnold: We're past that, and with that said, Gerald, there lies my masterplan. (Lays paper out on table.)
Gerald: I think you're delusional if you think Lila will ever change her opinion of you. I also have no idea exactly how you are going to "make a great impression" so well that she'll kiss you. Here, have some mystery meat. (Gives Arnold a slice of meat.)
Arnold: (Gives Gerald a "you think you're so funny" stare and eats the meat.) Wow, that is good. It kind of tastes like… a mix between meatloaf and a cheese Danish.
SCENE: It's Thursday, Valentine's Day. The semi-formal is the next day (Why, because that's the only day Wartz could schedule it on, and gives me an alibi if you were wondering why the dance was after the actual day.) We join the kids in class, making and passing out their Valentine's.
Mr. Simmons: Remember everyone; I want you to put all the effort you can into these cards and give them that extra special touch. When you're dealing with something of this magnitude, it should express how you feel towards that special somebody, and give him or her that warm… special feeling inside.
Gerald: I swear, one of these days I'm just gonna start a tally of how many times this guy says "special".
Arnold: (Putting the finishing touches on his Valentine to Lila.) With this card, Gerald, I'll ask Lila out to the semi-formal and my plan will begin.
Gerald: I thought the limo was the first step of the plan.
Arnold: Yeah, but I needed to fill the void where number four was. Any way you slice it, this is a sure-fire way for me to win her over.
Gerald: Whatever you say Arnold.
Arnold: Why is it called a semi-formal anyway? Why don't they just call it a school dance?
Gerald: It's a semi-formal occasion, which means you're supposed to dress up, but not like you're going to a church or anything. It's like a casual sort of dance. A mix between dressing up like a gentleman… and dressing up like you do now.
Arnold: Hmm. Cool.
Helga: (On the other side of the class, she's making a Valentine shaped like Arnold's head, writing out a little poem on it.)
A is for your absolute willingness to put others before yourself.
R is for the roaring and raging feeling I get whenever I see you.
N is for the naughty thoughts I think about if I ever were to get you alone.
O is for the outstanding kiss I got to plant on your red-hot lips.
L is for the love I wish you would return to me some day.
And D is for… doi, as always.
Arnold: (The kids start passing out the Valentine's. He walks over to Lila's desk.) Hi, Lila.
Lila: Oh, hi, Arnold.
Arnold: This is for you, I made it with that extra (mimicking Mr. Simmons) "special" touch. Heh-heh… (She isn't laughing, his smile fades.) Anyway, this is for you. (Hands Lila the card.)
Lila: Oh, Arnold, you're just ever so quaint. (She takes the Valentine and starts reading.)
"Dearest Lila, will you be mine?
Will you be my Valentine?
May I take you to the moon? May I take you to the stars?
May I have a picnic with you on Mars?
What I'm trying to say, with all my might,
Will you be my date for the dance tomorrow night?"
Lila: That is just ever so cute Arnold.
Arnold: So how about it Lila. Will you be my date for the dance?
Lila: (Pauses, doesn't know what do to, doesn't want to hurt his feelings.) Why, I'm sure I would just love to be your date for the dance.
Arnold: Okay, well, I understand… wait, you said yes? (She smiles and nods.) Yes! (Does a "puntish schwing" kind of body gesture.) I mean... (Regaining his dignity.) thank you so much, Lila, I promise you won't regret your choice. How about I pick you up at seven?
Lila: Seven it is.
Arnold: Great. (Lost for words.) Um… I'll let you get back to what you were… uh… doing… (Walks back over to his desk. Seconds later, Lila gets a Valentine from Helga. With a little bit of a surprised look, she takes the black, heart shaped Valentine and reluctantly starts reading as Helga sits back down at her desk.)
"Dearest Lila, watch your step.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
May I send you to the moon? May I make you see stars?
May I kick the crap out of you on Mars?
What I'm trying to say, with all my might,
You better not be at that dance tomorrow night."
Lila: (She puts the card down and looks up at Helga, who gives her a dirty look and does a strangling motion with her fists. Lila slumps in her chair.) Why me?