SCENE: Arnold's in his room getting ready for the dance. He's listening to some music, doing up his hair. He puts on a white shirt along with a navy blue tie and a black suit coat, along with some casual black pants (basically his "April Fool's Day" suit) and sneakers (Hey, it is semi-formal, and who can dance in tight dress shoes?).
Arnold: (Singing along.) You spin me right round baby, right round like a record baby, right round, round, round…
Phil: (Walks into the room.) How ya doin', short-man? You're looking as slick as a greasy burger at the Stop-N-Munch down the street. Got a date with one of your little friends tonight?
Arnold: Sure do, Grandpa. I'm gonna sweep her off her feet. I got the whole thing planned out.
Phil: You know, Arnold, you should just let things happen and take it slow. Don't be in such a hurry to get things done. You start planning things out and soon everything is a mess. (Building rage.) Then you're eighty-one and you've ended up married to a woman who thinks the song "It's Raining Men" was a weather advisory set to music; running a dead-end, rat-infested boarding house with crabby boarders, with a water heater that never works! And there's always a clogged pipe or a cracked window that needs fixing! Every time I think I'm out, they keep pulling me back in! (Arnold stares at Phil, blinks at him in plain, dumbfounded confusion. Phil calms down.) You're young though; you have plenty of time to make things right. (He starts to leave.) Remember Arnold, nothing ever goes as planned. Believe me, I'm living proof! (Insert funny sound effect here, maybe a slide whistle or something.)
Pookie: (Calling from downstairs.) Dinner's ready! Come get your Eye of Newt stew! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha…
Phil: Ugh! I was planning on eating nothing tonight. Coming, Pookie!
SCENE: Phoebe's house, in her room. She's getting ready for the dance. (And if you don't know who she is going with, you should be shot… repeatedly.) Helga is there, in her standard spying gear (black jeans, hat and sweater). She has told of her own masterplan to Phoebe who is trying to talk her out of it.
Phoebe: (Sitting in front of one of those lit up vanity mirrors.) Helga, why don't you just talk to Lila about why you don't want her going to the semi-formal with Arnold?
Helga: Talk? Now you're sounding like the football-head. The time for talk is over, Feebs, she knows how I feel about Arnold and yet she still leads him on. She's evil and manipulative and must be stopped. (Grabs a super soaker off of the floor and pumps it once.)
Phoebe: Well, you're getting yourself worked up over nothing, I bet she won't even go after that Valentine you gave her.
Helga: Oh, please. That was just a threat to freak her out. I know she'll go, 'cause she won't wanna hurt Arnold's feelings.
Phoebe: (Putting on her earrings.) Well, I think it's crazy Helga. This spying thing is just so old hat. (Standing up from vanity mirror) So, how do I look?
Helga: Fine. Hey! Wait a minute. Who are you going with?
Phoebe: (Panicking, covering up.) Ah, n-no one special.
Helga: C'mon, you can tell me. I've told you about Arnold.
Phoebe: That doesn't mean I wanted to know.
Helga: Just tell me!
Phoebe: Oh, all right… It's Gerald.
Helga: (Eyes widen.) Ha! I knew it! I knew it! There is something going on between you two! The smiley, mushy glances at one and other… and you thought I didn't notice… shame on you.
Phoebe: Keep this quiet, Helga! Mum's the word!
Helga: Mumming. (Suppressing laughter.) Phoebe and Gerald sittin' in a tree…
Phoebe: Shut up! (Throws a pillow at Helga.)
SCENE: In front of the Sunset Arms. The limo has arrived at the house. Helga is taking her masterplan into action and is draining the radiator coolant from the car.
Helga: Heh-heh-heh... They won't get far without antifreeze. (Maniacal laughter.) Wait a minute… why do I know this? (She hears the front door opening. She quickly darts out from under the car and into the alley beside the boarding house. Arnold is coming out of the door and Gerald is coming up the sidewalk.)
Gerald: You got some nice wheels there, buddy.
Arnold: Yeah, a brand-new Lincoln Continental stretch – Nothing but the best for my girl.
Gerald: I bet your "girl" set you back three months in allowance with this. Well, I'll see you later. I gotta return this DVD to the video store. Then I'm gonna go pick up my date so I'll see you there, man.
Arnold: All right, see ya. (They do the thumb-shake, woo-woo-woo...)
Helga: (In the alley, watches Arnold get in the limo). Let the games begin.
SCENE: Lila's house, the limo has just pulled up and has shown no signs of acting up yet. Arnold goes up the steps and rings the bell, holding roses behind his back. Lila comes out in a sparkling silver dress (I'll let you people imagine the dresses' details, since I don't know what women wear).
Arnold: (Looking at a fabulous Lila, wonders if he's dreaming.) Uh, (Gulps.) Hi, Lila. (Pulls out the flowers.) Ready to take off for a night of mystic enchantment?
Lila: Oh, wow… (Looks at the flowers, but then looks at the limo and gasps.) You really went all out, didn't you?
Arnold: Yeah… I guess…
Lila: That was ever so thoughtful of you, they're beautiful… except…
Arnold: What?
Lila: Ah… Ah… AH-CHOO! (Spray goes all over Arnold, who is slightly grossed out.) I'm deadly allergic to long stem roses.
Arnold: I'm sorry Lila. (Gets out a handkerchief.)
Lila: It's all right. I'm allergic to a lot of plants. I think the only flower I'm not allergic to is the carnation. (Rim shot is heard.)
Arnold: Will this irony ever end?
Lila: Well, I'm sorry you wasted your money on them. Shall we be leaving? (She starts to walk over to the door.)
Arnold: Wait! (He throws the flowers aside and stops her by rushing to the door to open it.) Now you may proceed.
Lila: Why, thank you… (She sits in. Arnold closes the door, gives a little wistful look upward, and walks around to the other side.)
SCENE: Both are now in the limo headed to the dance, but soon the car starts smoking under the hood.
Arnold: Hey, what's going here, what's wrong with the car?
Eugene's Uncle: (Speaking from driver's seat.) Looks like we've overheated, friend.
Arnold: Great, there goes step number one.
Lila: Huh? What's step number one?
Arnold: Oh, it's nothing. I guess I'll have to get my grandpa to drive us to the dance.
Lila: Well, that's okay I guess. How are you gonna call him?
Arnold: Easily. (He rolls down the sunroof on the backseat of the limo and pokes out of it with his hands cupped around his mouth.) Grandpa! Grandpa!
Phil: (The view pans out and shows that the limo did not break down too far from the Sunset Arms. Grandpa walks out of the boarding house.) For cripe's sake, I can hear you! You don't need to yell!
SCENE: Cuts to the Packard completely covered in mud and going down the street with Lila and Arnold in the back together.
Arnold: Uh, Grandpa? Why is the car so dirty?
Phil: (A little dismissive.) Oh, yeah, about that… (Scene cuts to Phil stuck at a red light tapping on the steering wheel in anticipation. A red sedan pulls up next to him. The teenager driving it looks over and revs the engine. Phil looks over, squints his eyes, and revs his engine.)
Teenager: First one to Bailey and Cheffington wins.
Phil: You're on, punk… (The light turns green and they both peel out. The one car takes a turn over onto some side street. Phil follows, and one way or another they are led to a dirt road. The teenager is taking the lead, mud is flying everywhere, and Phil is scowling. He pushes harder on the gas pedal and takes a lead. While they're driving, there's a truck carrying hay on a flatbed that has its back bent into a ramp into the air up the road. Phil smiles, drives even faster and hits the ramp Dukes of Hazzard style. The other car tries the same and flips his car upside down on the dirt road. The Packard keeps travelling and Phil starts laughing… until he runs out of gas not more than a minute away from the ramp.) Oh, raspberries. (Scene cuts to Arnold, Lila and Phil in the car on their way to the dance.) And that's how I beat the speed demon himself, Junior Octane.
Arnold: (Just blinking in confusion.) Grandpa, what are you talking about?
Phil: Sometimes I wonder the same thing.
Lila: (Arnold sighs.) What's wrong, Arnold?
Arnold: Oh, nothing. I just wanted you to arrive to the dance in… style… not in a mud-caked car from some prehistoric point in time.
Lila: It's okay, Arnold. I would prefer a classic car like your grandfather's here rather than some high-tech limousine.
Arnold: Really?
Lila: Yes, Arnold, really. (Pans out and shows a taxi is following the Packard. Helga has one of those little handheld satellite things you use to hear far away conversations. She overhears Lila.) This is actually better then the limo.
Helga: Darn it, that Lila can make a good situation out of anything!
Driver: Hey, uh, does that thing actually work like this?
Helga: (Sarcastically.) Yeah… why?
Driver: Well, with the way that those things are designed, you don't think you'd be able to hear what some other people are saying in the next car ahead.
Helga: But it is working… so why question it? (Driver is silent.) Yeah, that's what I thought. (Scene cuts back to the Packard.)
Phil: So, I take it you're Lila. Short-man here talks about you all the time.
Arnold: Grandpa!
Phil: Frankly, it's kind of getting on my nerves. Always yammering away when nobody else is listening, and nobody really asked what he was thinking at the time anyway, but yet he just keeps talking and talking and… (Looks to see that Arnold and Lila are eyeing him strangely, guilting him into reality. He snaps his head to the windshield.) Oh, look at that, somebody painted lines on the road.
Arnold: (Was previously frowning at his grandpa, but now apologetically turns back to Lila.) He's really exaggerating a lot.
Lila: Its okay, Arnold. I know.
Phil: (Turns back to the kids again.) Hey, you wanna see a picture of Arnold when he was young? (Starts to fumble for his wallet with one hand while driving and looking at them, but eventually takes both hands of the wheel, leaving the car to swerve in between lanes and other travellers to honk.)
Arnold: Grandpa, watch the road!
Phil: (Fumbling through his wallet.) I know it's in here somewhere…
Arnold: Grandpa! (Points ahead to a semi coming directly for the Packard. Look, when you're driving on the wrong side of the road, that's when the semis rule the streets, okay? Check it out. Rent a car movie. 90 percent chance of it happening.) Look out!
Phil: Oops! (Swerves the car back into the right lane.) Oh, wait a minute, I left your picture in my other wallet…
Arnold: (Rests his head back on the seat.) Ugh, could this night get any worse? (He suddenly gets a sparking realisation.) Grandpa, why do you have two wallets?
Phil: Why do you ask? (Long silence.) No, seriously, who sent you… (Still facing the road, he keeps looking in the wallet.)
Arnold: (To Lila.) I'm really sorry about him, he's-
Phil: Oh, found it! (Hands it to Lila. It's a picture of a baby Arnold, naked on a bearskin rug. Who doesn't have a picture like this lying around their house? Lila lets out a small giggle and tries hard to hide a smile.)
Arnold: Grandpa!
Phil: Sorry, Arnold, but that picture is adorable! Oh, you should see the ones we have at the house! Like this one where Arnold is…
Arnold: Grandpa!
Lila: Aww… that is just ever-so cute, Arnold. You should be thankful that your grandpa loves you so much. Ahhh… AHHH-CHOOOO!
Arnold: (Feeling a little better, but still sounds slightly bitter.) Yeah, I guess that is one way to look at the situation. (There's a moment of small silence, but then simultaneously, they both share a little laugh.)
Phil: Hmm… I must've left the picture of him in the panda costume in the other wallet…
SCENE: In front of PS 118, they have just arrived in the Packard.
Arnold: (Getting out of car with Lila.) Thanks for the ride, Grandpa. Don't forget to pick us up at ten-thirty, okay?
Phil: I won't forget, short-man, don't worry. Have a good time with your friend there. (He drives the Packard away from the school and over to the intersection where he waits at a red light. Soon, the teenager's car rolls up again.)
Teenager: What do you say, old man? Do you think your luck will still hold out?
Phil: (Squints at the teenager.) Luck is just a scapegoat for sore losers!
Teenager: Bet you can't do it again!
Phil: Eat my dust, Junior Octane! (The light turns green and they both peel out. Arnold and Lila stand outside the school watching the whole thing, somewhat confused.)
Arnold: (Shrugs and gives Lila his elbow to lock arms with.) May I?
Lila: You may. (They both walk in. As soon as they're not visible, the cab carrying Helga pulls up and Helga rolls out of the door.)
Driver: You got a lot of nerve, lady!
Helga: And you wonder why I won't give you a tip! (The passenger door is still open as the cab pulls away, the force of the motion slamming the door shut.) You're lucky I paid you at all! (She turns around, trips on a small pebble and goes face down onto pavement.) Ugh, why me?
Eugene: (Pulls up to the school on his bike alone.) Hey, Helga, are you al-
Helga: (Still on the ground.) Things are bad enough already, Eugene, thanks for trying though.
SCENE: PS 118's gym, where the dance is being hosted. Everyone you know and love is there. Arnold and Lila walk in.
Gerald: (Over by the punch bowl.) Hey, Arnold! Glad to see you finally got here. (Picks up Lila's hand daintily.) And hello to you too, Lila; you look lovely this evening.
Lila: Thank you Gerald, you look handsome yourself. (Goes to kiss Lila's fingers, but Arnold breaks it up.)
Arnold: Woah-woah-woah, this is a semi-formal.
Gerald: Okay, then. (Puts her hand down.) What took you two so long?
Arnold: We had some car troubles. (Looks around Gerald.) Where's your date?
Gerald: In the powder room.
Lila: Ooh, I probably should go too. If you would excuse me, I need to go to the powder room as well. (She breaks the elbow grip and walks off, looking back at Arnold and then again forward.)
Arnold: May I say you look lovely this evening? What's wrong with you?
Gerald: What'd I do?
Arnold: That was one of my lines, Gerald! I don't have many to follow that one up with!
Gerald. (Pouring punch.) I hope that wasn't your best of the bunch, 'cause if so, I'd hate to think of what the others are.
Arnold: (Sighs in admittance.) Whatever… this night is going wrong already. Grandpa had to drive us and he totally embarrassed me.
Gerald: (Was about to take a sip of punch but brings his cup down.) Not the bearskin rug…
Arnold: Yeah.
Gerald: Heh-heh. (Drinks some punch.)
Arnold: On top of that, Lila was allergic to the roses I gave her. I knew I should have gone with the carnations.
Gerald: Stop dwelling on the past Arnold. Think here and now, make the most of what you have now.
Arnold: You're right, Gerald. I'm gonna go hang with some of the guys until Lila comes back. Could you watch the CDs for me? (He puts them down on the punch table.)
Gerald: (Moving his cup around in a circular motion, swirling the punch.) Where have you been keeping those CDs before you put them on the table?
Arnold: I have pockets…
Gerald: I told you before though, that won't work: DJs won't just play the CDs you hand them. Besides, I thought you were skipping step four.
Arnold: Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures, and I'm as desperate as a… a… well, something really lost in desperation. And who knows, maybe he will, you know. Maybe he'll pull a favor for me.
Gerald: No.
Arnold: (Scowls at Gerald, and then looks at the CDs.) Fine! (Takes them off the table and starts shoving them in pockets.) Forget it! I'll figure something else out! (Walks away.)
Gerald: Yeah, sure. (Walks away from the table as well, but our attention doesn't leave.)
Helga: (Now in the dance she snuck into, pops up from under the punch table she has been hiding under.) Hmmm… so, Football-Head's trying to con Lila into like-liking him. Pssh! How pathetic! (Takes a long silent pause, staring at the ceiling and then her feet.) Screw it, its punch time.
SCENE: Meanwhile in the powder room. Phoebe has just come out of the bathroom stall and notices Lila adjusting her makeup.
Phoebe: Hi, Lila.
Lila: Oh, hi, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Are you okay, you don't seem to be enjoying yourself.
Lila: It's not that, it's… well, it's just… (Stares at Phoebe.)
Phoebe: What?
Lila: Well, being Helga's closest friend, I assume she shares a lot of things with you? Secrets, perhaps?
Phoebe: Well, I guess so. (Cocks one eyebrow.) What are we talking about? (Pauses.) Do you mean…?
Lila: (Nods head.) Uh-huh.
Phoebe: The big secret?
Lila: (Nods head.) Uh-huh.
Phoebe: Ah, yes. She told me the scenario with you and the school play a while back. So you know… what's the matter?
Lila: It's just… (She sighs.) I like Arnold. He's a nice boy, but I just feel so guilty knowing that there is someone out there that's longing to be in the position I'm in now. It's just… after finding out about how Helga likes Arnold… I know now that I can't lead him on like this anymore when he does something nice for me. I keep leading him on, making him think he'll make me like him like him, but I just "like him". But I don't know how to tell him. I'm oh-so confused.
Phoebe: (Lila places her hands on the counter and Phoebe comes up next to her.) I think you need to tell him. But you can't tell Arnold that… (Whispers.) Helga likes him. (Talking normal.) That would be way too much of a messy predicament. You need to let him down gently.
Lila: But he won't listen, he's so persistent that I'm the girl. He's hooked.
Phoebe: I know how that is, being ignored. Just let him down gently and get your point across. Maybe inside, he knows the truth, but just needs this last dance to close the door on all of this.
Lila: Thanks for the advice, Phoebe.
Phoebe: No problem, Lila. But remember, for confidential reasons; this conversation, it never happened. (Phoebe is on her way out.)
Lila: (Still looking at the mirror.) Okay.