The best kind of pudding was chocolate pudding.
The chocolate pudding that came totally plain, not even any sprinkles.
Simple worked best when it came to pudding.
That wasn't Sho's opinion. None of it. In his opinion the best kind was the rainbow kind with the sprinkles. He and big sis both liked that kind. Her favorite, though, was the blue kind with the sparkles that you could get in some countries. That kind was supposed to be Frozen themed so of course she liked it the very best. He liked the rainbow kind best because it had all the flavors. If someone were to ask Sho he would have said that plain chocolate pudding was super boring.
But nobody had asked him.
And this wasn't even for him. No, this was for someone else. Whenever he got a pudding cup it got stolen. He knew that he should have minded, and he pretended that he did, but really he didn't. He liked having his pudding cup stolen. He knew that it made no sense. He knew that he should have been spitting mad because every single time he opened a pudding cup it got stolen. He didn't mind though, not at all, and he actually kind of liked it.
He could be really weird sometimes.
Like now. He was standing in the middle of the kitchen, not his kitchen just the kitchen in the house that he and big sis and dad were staying in, and he had a pudding cup in his hand. He had a bunch of pudding cups around him. These were his dinner. He could have had whatever he wanted for dinner and he had chosen a whole bunch of pudding cups. Big sis was eating real food, fries and a milkshake, and she said that he should have eaten some real food with her. Pudding was real food. You could eat it without getting sick and that was what made it real food.
It had enough food groups to be food.
Dairy was a food group and sugar was a food group and therefore pudding was a food. Therefore it was ok to eat a whole bunch of pudding cups for dinner. Mom would not have wanted him to have eaten a whole bunch of pudding for dinner. Mom would have made them a meal with a whole bunch of food groups and she would have made sure that he ate it all…but mom was gone. He didn't have her there to tell him what to eat and that was…that was fine. It was the way that things were. Mom was gone and she wasn't around to tell him what to have for dinner or if pudding was an acceptable dinner or if the way he felt while he stood in the middle of his kitchen holding an unopened pudding cup was ok…
He had no idea what he was even feeling.
Kind of nervous, mostly, like going on a dark ride that you had never been on before. Like you knew that something was going to happen, you knew vaguely what was going to happen, and you also didn't know what was going to happen. That was what this felt like. Sho also felt just a little bit like he was going to throw up. That was weird. He hadn't eaten anything but he still felt like he was going to throw up. He also didn't understand that or why he felt like running around…well he always felt like running around…but now he especially felt like running around. He wanted to run and jump and climb and scream and….and a lot of other things. He'd felt like this before, a lot of times before, but now it just felt…different. Weird.
He felt really weird.
"Sho? Are you sure you don't want to eat real food?" asked big sis as she came into the kitchen to throw her trash out. She was done eating already. He wasn't done yet. He hadn't even started. Well it didn't matter if he had started or not. They didn't have a specific time that they were supposed to eat. Dad didn't care if they ate or starved. He didn't care if they grew or shrink. He just…didn't care about a lot of stuff.
Mom would have cared.
But mom was gone. Mom would have made sure that they had dinner…and he should have stopped thinking about mom. He was nine now and he was old enough to know that his mom was gone and never coming back. He didn't need her. He could figure out on his own what to eat and when to eat it and also he could figure out his own really weird and confusing feelings. He was nine now, not eight or seven or six or five. Nine. One year from being ten. He could take care of himself.
He did not need his big sis to open his pudding cup for him.
"Here, let me help." Said big sis as she took his hand and tried to get at his pudding cup. He pulled it away really fast. He could do this himself.
"I'm not a baby, I can do it myself." Said Sho taking his pudding cup back. He didn't want this pudding cup, or any pudding cup, stolen from his big sis. He was just…looking out for her…because she would have been sad if someone took a pudding cup right out of her hands. Yes, she was really sensitive about things like that. Girls were sensitive about things like that.
"Ok, I was just….you weren't eating and I got worried about you." Said big sis
"Well don't be. I'll eat when I'm good and ready to." Said Sho
"When will you be good and ready to, little brother?" asked big sis
"I don't know. In a minute, maybe? Why do you care? Nobody's stopping you from eating." Said Sho
"I just ate." Said big sis
"Good. Now why don't you go and do something else? Anything else?" asked Sho
"Um….I was watching the kittens live stream…if you want to watch with me…" said big sis. That sounded awesome. That sounded more than awesome. He knew that live stream. There was a box of baby kittens and they did all of those cute things that baby kittens did. Their eyes were opened and they mewed a lot and the momma cat took good care of them….he really wanted to watch with her….but later.
"In a minute, now leave me alone." Said Sho. She looked at him some more. He wished that she would stop. He had no idea why she was always trying to take care of him and stuff. Well dad had left her in charge but he was home now. He was holed up in his room. He had said that he and big sis had been ridiculous. That was a word that dad called them a lot, ridiculous, and Sho…he wished that dad had some different words for them. Nicer ones. But that was not something that was ever going to happen. Dad could be such a jerk sometimes and he had been especially jerky lately. He said that people made more attempts on his life, which meant that someone else had tried to kill him. People were always trying to kill dad. Sho didn't know why, it never worked, and it just made dad mad. If it hadn't worked yet then, of course, it wasn't going to work at any point in the future.
Dad had someone to protect him.
Not that dad needed it. It was hard to actually hurt him, Dad had said so and Sho had seen it firsthand when he fought that Scar, but he also got annoyed when people tried to kill him. Also the people around him got killed when people tried to blow him up and stuff and that was annoying because good help was so hard to find, dad had said. So he had gotten Shimazaki to stop things before they happened. He was so cool! He could see what people were doing even if he didn't have eyes and he catch bullets, too, and also one time there had been a suitcase bomb and-
And Sho felt weird.
He wanted to run around the kitchen until he didn't have any energy left inside of his body at all. He wanted to roll around on the floor and shout until he ran out of things to shout about. He wanted to…he had a lot of things that he wanted to do. He didn't understand why. He didn't understand why he felt like this sometimes. A lot of the times, actually, when he was around him…and a few other people but he had never been around those people for long enough to feel like this for long enough for him to be…for him to feel this way for this long.
Long enough for…for him to….he didn't even know.
He was being weird. He knew that he was a weird person, random kids were always telling him that he was weird in the rare times when he was around the other kids, and he didn't know why he was so weird. Well because he had freckles and red hair and stuff. But that wasn't why he was weird now. No, he was weird because…because he just felt weird…and he didn't know why. He never knew why. Even when he had been little he hadn't fully known why. Mom had explained it but she hadn't really explained it that well…and now he had nobody he could ask about this. Certainly not his big sister and most certainly not his dad. No, dad barely had feelings and the ones he did have he pretended that he didn't.
He needed to stop being weird.
He wanted something to happen and now he was going to make it happen. Simple. He wanted to open this pudding cup and he wanted it to be stolen out of his hands…and he didn't know why…but maybe the whys of this weren't important. The whys of this were just….he didn't know and he didn't want to agonize over this for the rest of his life. He was only nine, he had a lot of life left, and he did not want to spend it standing in the kitchen holding on to a pudding cup and wondering why he felt like he was going to either start running around or throwing up…
He really wanted to watch the live stream of the baby kittens.
He took a deep breath and opened his pudding cup. Nothing happened. That was weird. Whenever he was out with dad Shimazaki always stole his pudding cups. He knew that Shimazaki was around, he could see his aura, and he knew that he knew that Sho was there. His aura was loud, Shimazaki had said, and therefor he must have known that Sho was there. He was right next door. Was he ignoring Sho? Was he pretending that Sho wasn't there? That he was invisible? That he was….Sho didn't even know. What he did know was that he did not like this feeling at all. Now he really felt like he was going to throw up. Now he was sure that if he didn't get this pudding cup stolen out of his hand he was going to throw up right then and there.
"I sure hope that nobody eats all of my pudding cups….I sure do have a lot of chocolate pudding cups here." Said Sho. He knew that Shimazaki could hear him. He could hear pudding. Sho knew that if he could hear pudding then he could hear Sho shouting about all of the pudding that he had.
"I won't eat your pudding, Sho. I don't even like chocolate pudding." Said big sis from in the living room.
"I wasn't talking to you!" shouted Sho in frustration. Why did she think that he was talking to her? He obviously wasn't. He, obviously, wasn't going to ask her if she was going to steal his pudding cup. Oh course he didn't want his big sister to steal his pudding cup. Of course he…he didn't even know why he wanted his puddling cup to be stolen in the first place but he knew that he didn't want his big sister to be the one to steal it from him!
He didn't understand.
He didn't understand anything. He didn't understand why it hurt his feeling that Shimazaki was ignoring him. He could see Shimazaki's aura when he focused. It was all tangled up in Minegishi's like they were fighting or something. They fought a lot. Sho didn't know what they were always fighting about. Sho had no idea why they even hung out all the time if they were going to be constantly fighting. It wasn't like they were siblings or anything like that. Siblings fought all the time but they didn't have the option of not wanting to be together.
Not that he wanted to be away from his big sister.
She was his big sister and she could be so annoying sometimes, like now, but he didn't want her gone. No, he wanted these weird feelings gone…and he had no idea how to get rid of them! He just wanted his stupid pudding cup to be stolen and he didn't know why! This was just a stupid pudding cup and he should have eaten it and then gone and watched TV like this was just a normal night and-and-and he should have done more to be normal but-but-but he could not even begin to understand himself and…and…and….
He threw his pudding cup.
It hit the wall. There was a splat sound. Heh, so he could hear pudding too. Heh. That was…that wasn't as funny as he thought that it would have been. There was pudding on the walls and it smelled like chocolate…and he didn't feel any better. He didn't feel any relief from the feelings that he had inside of him…of anything it was worse. If anything now he felt even more ignored. Shimazaki must have heard that…he heard very well….so he must have been ignoring Sho. For Minegishi. For big sis' friend. Big sis was friends with Minegishi and that was why he felt like this. He wanted to be friends with Shimazaki. That was it. That was why he felt like this…
That was why he was jealous.
That was what this feeling was. This was the same feeling he got, well almost the same feeling he got, when big sis hung out with dad or when he saw other kids with their families…yes, almost the same feeling. This feeling was like that but…but even worse. Like the feeling had eaten a whole bunch of pop rocks and then drank a whole liter of cola. He didn't like it at all. He didn't like…he didn't like this feeling at all and he wanted to know how to get rid of it but he had nobody that he could ask! Dad barely had feelings and big sis would probably just fuss over him like he was a little baby or something. Like he was a baby and she was playing at being mom…and he did not want that right now…
But that was what he got.
She came in to the kitchen and immediately started cleaning up after him. Even though they had Awakened that they could call for that. Even though he wanted it like that, maybe, because he was the one who had done that. He wanted his pudding on the walls, maybe, she didn't know. She could have asked. She could have asked him if he wanted his pudding to be thrown all over the walls instead of coming in to the kitchen and then getting out the paper towels and the all purpose cleaner that smelled like lemon but had no citrus in it, so it wasn't deathly to him, but he still hated. She could have asked.
But she didn't.
He had no idea what he would have told her anyway. He didn't know what he was supposed to tell her now. If she had been dad then she would have been all 'Sho. Explain.' Well, no, because if she had been dad then she would not have been using his given name to begin with…but she wasn't even using his given name now!
"….should be more careful, little brother. We could end up getting ants." Said big sis as she cleaned up the mess that he had made. He stood there not even sure what he was supposed to do. He wanted to push her. He could have pushed her…but then he would have been acting like a jerk. He knew that he was a jerk, the son of the biggest jerk in the world, but he…he was working on that. Not becoming as big of a jerk as dad.
"Leave it. Maybe I wanted it like that. Maybe I like it the way it is. Maybe it is the way it is because I want it that way." said Sho. Big sis stopped cleaning and looked at him like he was crazy. He could see her aura, too. It was so bright it blocked out pretty much every aura but dad's. Dad was still doing his own thing. That was good. If dad had been there then he would have told Sho to explain…and he could not even begin to understand why he had even done that…and if he told dad that he didn't know why then dad would just tell him that 'I don't know' was not an answer and then they would go back and forth like that until dad either told him to get lost or punished him.
"But…that makes no sense. Food is for eating. If you want something else I could have the Awakened bring you something or I could even make you something or-" said big sis
"Big sis…can you please just leave me alone?" asked Sho. He didn't want to answer any questions. He had his own questions and he did not need to add new questions to his pile of questions. If he were to write his questions down then the list would have been meters long. He had no idea…he had no idea why he felt like this or why he had done what he had done and he…he did not even know how he was supposed to answer her!
"Um…but you're upset. I mean if you're throwing things then-" said big sis
"Just leave me alone!" shouted Sho. He threw himself down on the ground and rolled under the table. She wasn't leaving him alone. He could see her aura and her feet. Her socks were white. His were blue. He wanted to see her socks walking away. He wanted to be alone. Maybe if he was alone, all alone, he could just forget all of his feelings. He would have liked that a lot…just to be able to forget all of his feelings and…and just exorcise them…or something. Just to be able to take his feelings and to make them go away. But he couldn't do that. If he had been able to do that then it would have been done already. No, he was just...he was just there and he had his feelings and they wouldn't go away.
If he couldn't get rid of his feelings then how was he supposed to get rid of his big sister?
She moved. He thought that she was going to leave him alone like he had asked. Why he had thought that he had no idea. She never left him alone when he told her to. Not in the past and not now. No, now she was still cleaning. He hated it, the lemon smell, and he hated it even though he knew that it would not kill him. He felt like he was going to die, though, because he just had so many feelings….and he just could not begin to understand….but he had to maybe try harder….but he didn't…he just did not know….
She moved again.
Her feet were right in front of the table. He could have kicked her, he wanted to kick her, and that was why he had to draw his knees up to his chest and wrap his arms around his legs. He could not risk kicking her. He was trying to be better, he was always trying to be better, and maybe this was the going to be the time when he finally figured out how to be a better little brother and person…
He didn't know.
He heard the silverware drawer open. There was the sound of some clanking. Then he felt the table above him move. She stopped moving and then came down to his level…and he scooted away. He had to scoot away before he was mean to her again. He felt like being mean…but then if he was mean to her then she might have felt bad…like he felt bad…and he didn't want her to feel like this…like he didn't want to feel like this…
"Here. Please don't throw this one. I don't know why you're upset, little brother, but…but you can talk to me about it…and I can go away too. I love you." Said big sis. He didn't say anything for a while. She was there in front of him under the table and she had a pudding cup for him and…and he didn't know what to say. He didn't know what he could say. He could have…he knew that if he said something then he might have said something mean…
So he stole the pudding cup from her.
"Thanks." Said Sho because he had to say something nice. She was being nice and he had to say something nice…and maybe if he said something nice then he would feel nice…but he still felt bad…bad and ignored…even if she was here and not ignoring him…
He didn't know.
He opened his pudding cup and he ate it. Nobody tried to steal it.
Chocolate pudding tasted boring anyway.