SCENE: Meanwhile, back in the gym.
Arnold: (Finds Gerald dancing by himself in the middle of the floor.) Hey, have you seen Lila?
Gerald: You know how long it takes for women to "freshen up". They take forever, chattin' it up, discussing beauty tips and the several uses for eyeliner pencils in cooking.
Arnold: I guess. I have to find her. If I can't play my discs to the DJ, then maybe I could just request one song. Either way, I get to dance with her, and maybe I could turn the charm on and-
Gerald: Yeah, you do that. (Starts to move away from Arnold. He shrugs and runs off to the DJ.)
Arnold: Hey, do you play requests? (The DJ sits at a booth where he has a large system operating: mixers, CD players, and two turntables that he occasionally scratches at. The DJ doesn't say anything but points to a little tablet at the table in front of him.) Thanks. (He picks up a nearby pencil and scribbles in some title we can't see. Meanwhile, Lila has come out of the washroom looking for Arnold. Helga is moving about in the crowd, always a safe distance from Arnold, but to a point where she can watch and listen with no one noticing.)
Lila: There you are, Arnold. It's ever so hard to find you in this crowd.
Arnold: (He smiles.) Funny, I could say the same for you.
Lila: Arnold? (The song stops and the DJ picks up the pad.) I have something I need to tell you…
DJ: Barry White? Geez, I might have that on vinyl. (He thumbs through a crate by his feet.)
Arnold: Really?
Lila: Yes… I was thinking it over in the ladies' room and…
DJ: (Pulls out a record with a purple sleeve and blows the dust off.) Here we go. (Leans into his microphone.) And now, by request (While talking, he's pulling the record itself out and setting it up) here's Barry White with the first slow dance of the evening. (He starts the record and a slow jam starts playing.)
Arnold: (He tucks at his outfit and tries to act in a cheesy confident, suave manner. Using one of his lines.) Would you like to dance, my spicy honey-bean?" (Reaches his hand out to Lila.)
Helga: (In the background, very depressed yet still sarcastically bitter.) His spicy honey-bean? Why I am even here? Arnold's doing a great job ruining his own date with these horrible one-liners. Where'd he get 'em from, the Internet?
Lila: I… (Trying to tell him but able to see that now is not the moment.) Why I'm sure I'd love to dance. (Takes his hand. Arnold gives a thumb up to the DJ, who doesn't pay attention to him at all. Lila and Arnold start to dance.)
Helga: (Her head snaps up.) I've got an idea! (She slips through the crowd, pushing people aside.) Out of my way! Girl on a mission! Coming through! (Eventually, she ends up knocking Eugene over by his shoulder and makes it to the DJ booth.) Excuse me, are you the driver of… um… shoot, I can't remember what it was…
DJ: What? What's going on with my van?
Helga: That's it, the van! There's a bunch of high school kids outside who said you DJ'd for their homecoming dance and really hated your services.
DJ: What are they doing to my van?
Helga: Well, I'm not sure, but it looks like trouble. They came in two cars, and then the other one left. Said he was going over to the hardware store to buy some spray paint and a hammer, whatever that means. If you go out there now, maybe you could scare 'em away.
DJ: Oh, no! Can you watch my stuff and make sure nobody touches anything. Do you know how to work a CD player?
Helga: You know, it's been a while since they left to go to the hardware store. It's only up the street.
DJ: I'll be right back! (Runs off.)
Helga: Goodbye, DJ. (Pulls a CD out of her pocket.) Hello, German Death Metal.
Arnold: (Dancing with Lila, but seems a little unsure.) Are you having a good time?
Lila: Yeah. (Suppressing a small smile.) Arnold, I really have to… (The needle on the record is pulled across, making a sharp and disturbing noise that everyone clenches to. And then, the German Death Metal, starts playing – loud, distorted guitar riffs with fast drumbeats and a low singing voice that sounds like he's speaking tongues. Everyone stops what he or she's doing and just stares in confusion at each other.)
Helga: It's times like these, I wish I had a video camera.
DJ: (From the front entrance.) Hey! (Helga quickly runs off and disappears. The DJ goes back behind the table.) What the… I didn't know I brought this disc. (Looks around.) YEAH! ROCK ON! (DJ raises his arm in a "rock on" hand fashion, a few kids in the back have started head banging. Nobody joins them.)
Arnold: Lila, I'm… This wasn't…
Lila: Oh, forget it, I can't do it! (Runs off and away from Arnold.)
Arnold: Lila! Come back! Lila! (Shrugs.) Every time I get close… something like this happens. (Walks back over to the DJ table and places his hands behind him to lean on it.) Grandpa was right. (The song stops.) Nothing ever goes as planned.
DJ: (Pulling out another CD.) "Nothing Ever Goes As Planned", Styx, from 1980, track four on the Paradise Theater album.
Arnold: What?
DJ: What? I thought you were making a request. Fine, I'll put it back. (He tosses the CD behind him, not watching where it lands, and starts up a different Barry White song. He leans into the microphone.) Let's try this one once again, shall we?
Gerald: (Is dancing with Phoebe, but motions to her when he sees Arnold that he'll be right back. He walks over to Arnold.) You okay, buddy?
Arnold: No! The whole thing is a total bust! Lila just ran out on me.
Gerald: Love hurts, man.
DJ: "Love Hurts", by Nazareth, track three, side A, from the 1975 Hair of the Dog album…
Gerald: (To DJ.) Hey. Shut up. (DJ scowls and goes back to his CDs.) You better catch her before she's gone for the night.
Arnold: (Sighs.) You're right. I'm gonna go find her. (Rushes out of the gym. Helga follows nearby him from a distance. Arnold walks outside of the school, while Helga runs to an unlit side of the school when he's not looking. Arnold walks out to the sidewalk near the street, searching up and down but seeing nobody else.) Lila? Lila? (He slouches down, figuring that any chance he might have had has just been missed. Slowly, he trudges back over to the school stoop. Helga in the bush near by presses her back up against it trying to remain as still as possible. He starts whispering to himself.) I'm doomed…
Sid: (Walks out of a blue car that pulls up with some anonymous girl. He makes his way to the stoop.) Hey, Arnold, what's going on?
Arnold: My date bailed on me.
Sid: Aw, man… You were with Lila, right?
Arnold: Yeah…
Sid: Do you need a ride or something? I can tell my father that- (As soon as he starts, the car speeds away from the school.) Okay, then… I have a cell phone you can use.
Arnold: (Looks up to Sid.) Where'd you get a cell phone?
Sid: We don't talk about such things. (He pulls it out of his jacket.) Do you want to use it?
Arnold: (Caving in, he holds his hand out to receive the phone.) Yeah. Thanks.
Sid: Anytime, man. Just give it back to me on Monday. I promised the lady here a few dances. (He looks over to her and they share a laugh. Sid looks over back to Arnold, sighing in grief.) Um… don't worry about it, man, things'll get better. Have a good night, Arnold. (He walks in.)
Arnold: Have a good night, Sid and… whoever you are. (They've already walked inside of the school. Arnold flips the phone open and dials up his grandfather. Helga, up against the side of the school trying to stay as quiet as possible, pulls out her locket.)
Helga: Oh, Arnold, why must I cause you so much pain? True, I may have driven away the only competition that stood in my way to you, but in return I leave you as a sad, joyless shell of a football-shaped head. Oh, why, Arnold? Why must I be so unkind and betraying? Why can't I just be honest with the way I feel? Why!
Lila: (Standing right next to Helga in a spot the "camera" hadn't shown before.) Hi, Helga.
Helga: What the-? (Slaps a hand over her mouth, remembering she has to be silent.) Lila! What are you doing?
Lila: The same thing you are: hiding from Arnold.
Helga: But why? He's crazy for you. You're breaking the poor kid's heart!
Lila: I tried to break things off with him, Helga. I couldn't bear to do it. If I told him at the dance when he was most happy, it would completely crush him. If I told him after his happiness faded, it would just crush him even harder. I figured I should just… run. Maybe then he'd just blame it on the moment and not me.
Helga: Lila, look at him now! He's already broken! You can't just expect to run away from all of your problems and hope they all turn for the better! You need to give him some kind of closure! Do you think you can just leave the dance and suddenly he'll get all like, "Gee, maybe Lila really doesn't like me like that?" There is a boy on those steps right now completely destroyed because of how you left! (She grabs Lila by the shoulders.) Just tell him!
Arnold: (Folds the phone back up.) Hello? Is somebody out there?
Helga: (Scowling at Lila.) You have to do this.
Lila: (Starting to tear up in the eye.) Yeah…
Arnold: Hello?
Lila: (Walks from the side of the school.) Hi, Arnold.
Arnold: Lila! Look, about inside-
Lila: Arnold, we need to talk. I…
Arnold: Is it the music? I'm sorry about that. Can we try again? Please? Just one last dance…
Lila: Arnold, listen, I…
Phil: (At that moment, the Packard noisily pulls up and Phil sounds the horn.) Come on, short-man! It's time to get – hey, wait. I thought you said…
Arnold: Do you want to go home or stay here?
Lila: (Looks back to the school and back to Arnold.) I think it's time we leave. (They both start walking over to the Packard.)
Phil: See, I thought I was only picking up Arnold this time from our quick little talk on the phone, and I went and bought him a Vanilla shake. I didn't get one for you, Lila, but if you want you guys can split or something. Neither one of you is sick, right?
Arnold: It's okay, I don't want it. You can have it Lila.
Lila: I can't take that. You go ahead.
Arnold: I really don't want it.
Lila: I insist.
Phil: Now, now, the boy said he didn't want it, and we should respect this decision. Now, as the tiebreaker, I think it's only fair that I, the middleman, should take the shake. (He sips from a straw as they get inside the car.) Mmm… Vanilla goodness… Okay, let's go! (He goes to press down on the gas pedal. The wheels on the car spin briefly, but they soon stop and the car dies.) What in the Sam Hill? (He looks and his gas gauge is on empty.) Curses on you, Junior Octane!
SCENE: A tow truck carries the Packard to the alley on the side of the Sunset Arms near Arnold's fire escape. Arnold, Lila, and Phil all stand outside watching the car roll in from the steps. The truck driver comes out with a clipboard and a bad haircut.
Driver: I got some paperwork you need to sign regarding the, uh… uh… fees and what-not to tow this hunk of junk back here. Do you mind if we discuss this away from the children?
Phil: What are we talking about? My bill or a mob favor?
Driver: My company, we like to keep our business private – no outside parties. Can we please discuss this inside?
Phil: (Rolls his eyes.) Fine, we'll go inside. (To Arnold.) If I'm not back in ten minutes, wake up Pookie.
Arnold: Got 'cha. (The driver and Phil walk inside of the boarding house. At the same time, Helga creeps up the alley where Arnold's fire escape is and stays close to the corner where he can't see but she can hear.) So Lila, did you have a good time? Even though it all went… well, wrong?
Lila: Don't be so hard on yourself, Arnold.
Arnold: But… I just wanted the night to be special. Nothing I tried to make it that way worked. I mean… maybe… I don't know…
Lila: What?
Arnold: Well… maybe after tonight, do you think you now sort of "like me like me"?
Lila: (Stares at an innocent looking Arnold, knowing she doesn't want to but needs to tell him.) I'm perfectly certain that… no, I don't.
Helga: (To herself, somewhat depressed.) The masterplan is complete.
Arnold: (Clenched fists, now is very angry.) Agggh!
Lila: Look, I'm sorry, but… Arnold, what's wrong?
Arnold: This! I'm sick of this game you play with me. You lead me on, you make me think I've made a change, and then look at the result! Not to mention the money I've spent on you to try and keep you happy and make a good impression. You remember the Cheese Festival? I dropped twenty bucks on the cheese ball toss alone! I just spent three months allowance on a limo that overheated! I'm sick of it Lila, I'm sick and tried. Why don't you give me a reason? I mean… I know you're the one for me.
Lila: (In a manner of pleading.) No. Arnold, no I'm not.
Arnold: But-
Lila: Arnold, you're a nice boy, and any girl would be lucky to be with you. But I'm not the one though. (Helga leans in anticipation to what she is going to say next.) I just – I don't know how to explain it. It's not me.
Arnold: But I just…
Lila: (She puts her hand on Arnold's shoulder.) Look deep down, Arnold. I know that if you look inside, past all of what your mind is telling you and what your heart knows as the truth, you'll know that there is someone else. Someone who will like you like the way you like me. Just look inside, Arnold. I think you'll find her. (With that, Lila gives Arnold a bittersweet "this is the way it has to be" kiss on the cheek and starts walking down to her house. Arnold stands on the steps of the boarding house, watching Lila walk away.)
Lila: (Turns around.) You're a great guy, Arnold. I'll see you in school on Monday.
Arnold: (Slowly waves her good-bye as she continues walking away. He knew she was right. There was someone else; there was only one person that would like him the way he liked Lila. He didn't dwell on the fact that Lila knew, but he knew that if he ever wanted to have a chance at Helga, he knew someday he would have to confront her about what happened on that windy night atop the FTI building. He took a look at the night sky filled with stars and walked into the house. As he stepped inside, he rubbed his cheek where he was kissed. Helga has now moved from the corner of the house to the living room window where she sees Arnold in the hallway. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper, which he begins to unfold.) Number five – Make an overall great impression on Lila and get a goodnight kiss. (He balls the paper up and throws it away, smiling.)
SCENE: Helga, watching Arnold throw the paper away, turns with her back to the wall and away from the window in joy. Lila notices her from the sidewalk and begins walking up the alley.
Helga: (Trying to act casual.) Oh, h-hi Lila. Fancy meeting you here.
Lila: He's yours now.
Helga: (Slouches.) I know I was kind of harsh back there. I mean, not what I said to you, that was all called for; I'm talking about everything before that. All the plotting and all… but you probably don't know what I'm talking about.
Lila: (Crosses her arms.) You really don't think I didn't see you creeping in the shadows of everywhere? That I didn't see you in the cab behind the Packard? At the DJ booth?
Helga: Huh? How'd…
Lila: Please, Helga, you really think I didn't notice? It doesn't take a genius to know that a limo company would service their car before they sent it out. There's a slim chance that it would all of a sudden and mysteriously overheat.
Helga: (Giving in.) What can I say, Lila? You know how I feel about him. I just couldn't stand it to see him with you again. From the looks of it, neither could you.
Lila: I know Helga, I know. That's why I did what I had to do, 'cause I know I'm not the one. I mean, I don't know who is really, but I think he knew as well as I did.
Helga: By the way, what you did back there… thanks, Lila. Thanks a lot. I can't believe you did that for me.
Lila: No problem, Helga. He's all yours now. (They both look up at Arnold's skylight, he's just turned off the light and went to bed.) Make the most of it.
Helga: I will, Lila. Thanks again.
Lila: (After sharing their little moment, Lila starts to walk off to her house, but stops quickly.) Oh, Helga. All that stuff you said about running away from my problems and how I needed to tell him. You should think about it yourself. See ya later, Helga. (Walks out of the alley.)
Helga: (Looking as Lila walks away, Helga leans up against the boarding house and takes out her locket. She stares at it passionately, knowing that someday her and Arnold would confront the situation they were in. She takes a deep breath and stares up at the night sky.)
FINISH: Then we go to a shot of Arnold's room, above his bed. He isn't sleeping, but he too is looking up to the night sky, thinking about what the cosmos have in store for him…
End