Jack walked around the sparsely decorated white room (He thought of it more as a cell) that he had been put in. Fenchurch, who had been behaving like a raving lunatic, had quite calmly said that he would come up with something when he re-affirmed the fact that he was in way over his head here. She thought that she needed to go take a bath, and had Marvin escort Jack down to this room (The experience had not been a pleasant one for either party).
There was a bed made from some foamy material, a dresser filled with charming white jumpers, and some sort of beverage dispenser in a corner. He didn't see anything that was particularly amazing, but no doubt Carter would be performing elaborate tests on the bed to see if it was some hyper-advanced neo-polymer-y type thing. When he asked Marvin what he was supposed to do to entertain himself, Marvin advised that he should try pretending to be slightly less miserable. Marvin's choice pass-time was hardly appealing.
Jack did see something interesting though, on the bed was a smallish sized thing that looked like a book with the words "Don't Panic" written in large friendly letters on the front. Sound advice, Jack agreed, and he flipped it open. It seemed to be something of a database, called the "Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy". Well, if he was going to be spending some time here he may as well read up on the place. Being presented with an unending plethora of information was a bit much, though, and he idly skimmed a few entries at random. He looked at the overview of the universe, and then went to an article on currencies. He was wondering if he would be able to cash in his 401k. Here is what he found:
It is a well known fact that there are three freely exchangeable currencies in the galaxy of the Homogenized Milky Way (Two of which are not in fact freely exchangeable at all). A lesser known piece of information is the story of the first Galactic Economist, hired by the office of the President of the Galaxy some several millennia ago. The young Zelpharus Trioptok was assigned the daunting task of eliminating all the local currencies found on each of the thousands of planets all around the galaxy. To accomplish this impossible feat, he used only one tool. A single cow. He bought the cow (The only entry in the lofty expenses account he had been allotted), and then sold it at a slightly higher price. He then bought two donkeys with this money, and made yet another return on his investment. His gains soon grew exponentially, and he moved up into higher and higher markets. In a matter of only three standard years he had amassed every single iota of every currency in the universe. He owned the entire Galaxy. For a brief time there was economic ruin, but he saw that food and other essentials were distributed as needed (Always with a "U-O-Me" note attached). This accomplished, he devalued and burned all past currencies, and implemented a new one. He re-distributed all his wealth back among the populace as justly as he saw fit, leaving himself of course a lavish sum with which to retire. His contemporaries were shocked at how he had given up absolute power of their entire galaxy. His response was quick and comprehensive, "If you own everything, what is there to buy with your infinite riches?". Modern thinkers view this entire story as ludicrous, totally impossible that an individual in a matter of years could achieve what was approximately a return of one times ten to the power of two to the power of five million on a single cow. However, they are unable to explain the presence of the words "Property of Zelpharus Trioptok" on every single Altarian dollar.
Well. That was different. He read through it for about an hour before coming to a conclusion on this "Guide". It was meaningless drivel, so he tossed it aside. It was high time that he tried to find a way to get back. But first maybe something to drink. He stepped over to the strange thing that looked like a fountain pop machine. He spotted a glass nearby, and pushed on the lever, expecting some sort of a liquid to pour out.
What he hadn't expected was for two clamps to fly out from the sides and attach to his skull, a laser to probe into his eye and a scanning beam focusing on his digestive track. "What the!" He tried to pull away, but restraints were holding him in place. He struggled a while longer, but the device quickly pulled away.
It gave a mechanical beep. "The beverage you desire has been produced. Enjoy." And with that, a steady stream of fluid poured out into the cup until it was full. Jack stared at it cautiously. As much as he appreciated the "beverage he desired" being produced for him, he thought this machine might just be a little over zealous. He caustiously reached forwards and put the cup to his lips. It was steaming slightly, and a very pleasant mild aroma came from it. He took a sip. Mmmm. So this was tea. Jack thought it wasn't that bad. Daniel had been trying to get him to drink tea for a while, but he thought it was some sort of a Daniel thing. Maybe the machine somehow saw that he would like it, but he didn't see how. Mmmm. Tea.
Jack sat back and sipped the tea for a while. Relaxing, but not as relaxing as fishing. In time he finished and decided to go out and explore this ship, maybe try and seize control of it. When he opened the door he saw Zaphod on the otherside, much to his chagrin.
"How's it going space-man?" Zaphod's left head said as his right head laughed at his own joke (Not that he had made one). Zaphod was wearing an absurd white and black suit with vertical stripes, and he gave Jack a playful punch to the shoulder. "I saw Marvin skulking around, and darted down here to dodge him. I was thinking maybe we could have a few Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters, you know, have some fun!" Both heads were laughing enthusiastically. Jack thought that this guy had already had one too many.
Hits to the head, that is.
"I can see how you're voted the worse-dressed sentient being on a regular basis." Jack looked at Zaphod's bizarre suit. "What are you supposed to be, Beetlejuice or something?" Jack asked the lunatic standing before him, and rubbed his shoulder where Zaphod had hit it.
"Betelgeuse? Did you say Betelgeuse?" Zaphod's four eyes lit up. "Excellent destination my friend, I knew you'd lead us somewhere fun!" Zaphod hit O'Neills other shoulder.
"What?" Jack asked, "I said Beetlejuice, not Betelgeuse. It's not a place, it's a character from a movie...
But explaining was useless, Zaphod was already bellowing a summons to the ship's computer. "Eddie, ol' buddy ol' pal!" He shouted, turning left and right as if expecting the ship's persona to appear there.
"Yeees, sir, what will it be my sublime pleasure to do for you today?" Eddie asked with fanatic loyalty to those he had the joy of serving.
"Open up a comm link with Fenchurch." Zaphod told him.
"Done." The computer said, and immediately another voice was heard.
"Hello?" It was Fenchurch.
"Whoa! That was quick. Hey there buttercup the space-man just told me where we should be headed. We're goin' to Betelgeuse!" He sounded thrilled at the idea.
"Alright, I'll activate the improbability drive. Comm terminated." Fenchurch ended the conversation.
"What's got you so excited about this Beetleguise place?" Jack asked, afraid of the answer.
"Parties! Lots and lots of crazy parties!" Zaphod broke out in dual spasms of laughter. "You'll love it there!"
Jack wasn't so sure, but it looked like he was going to be dragged along to the destination he had "chosen". He hoped Teal'c was having a better time than he was.