It had been nothing more than a strategic retreat.
That was all. He had been very close to an explosion and he'd needed to make a retreat. It had all been too much and it had all threatened to overwhelm him. Nothing good came of him being overwhelmed like that. He could have lost control and taken his children…his CHILD….with him. He hated himself for it, for almost losing control, and also for what he had done to make him almost lose control.
That was not his child.
He had a Daughter. She was called Shigeko. He had adopted her when she was two. She had come from two nobodies from nothing. She was a flower who had grown out of a pot of dirt. She was his child and he had chosen her for his child and he cared for her and she cared for him and he had wanted her from the moment he saw her and…
And he had one Daughter.
He had one biological child. He had a Son. Sho. Sho was his son and he left much to be desired but that alright because the next generation had been secured and that was what mattered. This was a person who he had chosen to make. That Boy was half of him and half of…of Masami. That was all of Masami that he had left. That was their Son. That was the person that he and Masami had made together. From the moment he had set eyes on Sho he had known that this was his Son…
He had two children. One adopted and one biological.
He hadn't made a third child. He hadn't fallen to his own weakness and brought another human being into the world. That had not been his baby. Baby was not his Baby. Baby was just…baby. Baby was a baby who had been given to him because….because Baby's mother had wanted him to raise her. Baby's mother had wanted him to raise her and he…he just could not. He had his children. He had his own children and…
And he had two children.
He and Masami had two children together. They had one biological child together and one child who they had adopted. They had raised both of their children together…for a time. Masami had raised both of the children…for a time. She was gone but there were still bits of her in them. Sho had her blood. Not only that but her creativity and energy and sense of just…nurturing. Shigeko had that too. She was such a nurturing person. She cared for her brother as if he were her own child. She cared for him, too, even though she was the child and he was the adult. She constantly expressed worry and care towards him in the same way that Masami had…
Masami was the woman who he had made children with.
Baby was just…baby. That was all. Baby was just baby and he had to…he had to do something about Baby. About Mukai. He had renamed her. It had been an impulse. He hadn't liked her name so he had remand her…and that was not something that he should have done. Only a parent could name their child and he was not her parent so he'd had no right to name her. He had overstepped. He had overstepped and he owed her an apology…if he ever saw her again.
He could not go back.
He had given her to Daughter on an impulse. That meant that Baby had joined his household…which meant that he would not be rejoining his household for…for he didn't even know how long. He had no idea how long it had been. He had been living without a sense of the passage of time. He had been moving, always moving, and always under his own powers. Through the skies, the oceans, across countries and boarders and…and he would have gone across the universe if he could.
He hadn't made it through the stratosphere.
He wished that he could have gone across the universe. He wished that his powers could have carried him past the moon, the sun, and the stars above. He wished that he could have just been…gone. Away from the world. The view from on top of the world…the world had fit in the palm of his hand…and for once he didn't want it. The world had Baby in it and he didn't want to…to have to get that whole thing settled…and he would have left the planet if he could…
But he couldn't.
He had been to the stratosphere, the ocean floor, and everywhere in between. Now he found himself in the last place that he ever thought that he would be. He was back…home. At the house. A house. He owned more houses than he could count. He owned houses that he hadn't even been aware that he owned. He owned houses on top of houses on top of houses. Hell, he owned the entire world…though the world did not know it yet. Not that he wanted anything to do with the world. Not now.
He had dropped off from the world.
He didn't have his phone or his laptop. Claw could have devolved into anarchy for as much as he knew. Claw…his life's work. He needed to get back to work. He needed to get back to the world. He needed to stop acting so illogically and just…just get back to work. Back to what he was supposed to be doing. Baby. He couldn't go back because of Baby…
He had no idea what he was supposed to do with Baby.
Baby was…was not his. His children had come from Masami. With Masami gone that meant that he couldn't have any more children. There. Simple. Masami was gone and therefore he could not have any more children and therefore Baby was not his. Baby was just…a baby. Daughter's baby. He had given Baby to Daughter as if she had been a doll…but she was in no way, shape, or form a doll. She was a human being. There was a human being in the world…
That he had nothing to do with.
There was a photograph of Son on the wall. Suzuki could see it from his angle. He was laying down on his bed, on a bed, on a bed that he owned and had slept in. On a bed that he had shared with…with her. With Masami. With his Masami…with his wife….with the love of his life…his reason and his life…with the most perfect woman…the most perfect human being that had ever walked this earth. That still walked this earth. She was still alive…
She just wasn't alive anywhere near him.
He closed his eyes and inhaled. This was their bedroom. He could still smell her on her side of the bed. He was laying on his side as close as he could get to her side of the bed. This room…this room was a shrine. Exactly as she left it. He didn't have to open his eyes to know which of her dresses were hanging up in the closet and which were in the hamper. He didn't have to open his eyes to know which bottles of perfume were on her vanity table and which were on the shelf. He didn't have to open his eyes to know that there was a picture of Son as a baby right across from him. On her bedside table was a picture of Son and Daughter as toddlers on some Christmas that he had missed. Above their bed was a picture of their wedding day. He had no idea what she had been wearing that day, in that photograph, but he did remember how she looked. How she had been the most beautiful woman in the world…
How she still was.
She was the most beautiful woman in the entire world. She was the most perfect woman in the entire world. She was everything to him. She was everything, his reason and his life, and he had betrayed her in the worst way a person could be betrayed. He had been with another woman. That was the basic point of being married, the creation of offspring, but not only that offspring ONLY with your partner. You were supposed to forgo sex with literally every other person on the planet because you had found your most perfect person…
He had betrayed her.
He wondered, briefly, if she had been clairvoyant. If she had been clairvoyant and had just hid it from him all this time. That may have been why she had left. She had known, foresaw, that he would fall to temptation and then betray her in the worst way he could have….heh. No, that was a very rare power and even if it hadn't been he still would have noticed if she had been anything other than a normal human being…even though she wasn't. Masami was someone who transcended everyone else, human and esper alike, everyone that had ever lived or would ever lived. She was perfect. She was beauty and truth and…and pain. Pain and fear. Crushing loneliness. Panic. Anger. Wrath. She was every emotion that he had ever known.
She was love.
He loved her. He loved her so much. Even now, even after all of these years, he loved her. He loved her and if she were to walk through that door…he could see it. She would walk through that door as she had so many times before.
"Touichirou? Really? You're going to spend all day in bed?" was what she would have said. He could hear her voice. He could see her, there, in the doorway. She would have been…she would have been carrying in laundry or drying her hair or…or maybe even carrying one of the children…though they may have been too big for her to lift….
She would have been there.
If she had been there, transported right there in front of him, he would have thrown himself to her mercy. He would have kowtowed to her and begged and begged and begged until she forgave him. It didn't even matter anymore that she had gone, that she had left, that she was never coming back….he loved her.
"I love you." The words feel odd in his mouth. Clunky. Like a new language he's trying out but doesn't quite have the bets grasp of yet. How many times had he said those words out loud? He didn't know. Not that often. He said them again. He said them again and again like a prayer. He was not a praying man, he had never been one for religion, but he prayed now. Over and over again he said those three words like a prayer as if they had the power to bring her back. To bring his Masami back to him, back to this world, just one more time so he could apologize.
Saying 'I love you' did not bring Masami back to him.
But it did bring someone to him. To his doorstep…and he couldn't believe that it had taken him so long to notice the other aura in his range. It takes every ounce of his will power not to upend the room. He can't disturb a single thing, not a single molecule, of this room. Of this shrine. This house was a temple and this room was a shrine. A shrine to Masami.
And the shrine was not taking visitors today.
But there was a visitor at the door. An intruder. One that he had not been expecting to see…not that he had been expecting any intruders. Not that he would have expected anyone, let alone this particular intruder, but maybe he should have. Maybe he should have expected this, expected him, because for every crisis in his life he had been there. He had been there for him, to fix him, to heal him…
Because that was what he was. A healer.
Fukuda was a healer. That meant that he was a fixer. That meant that his job was to fix Suzuki's messes.
Which was what brought him here after all of these years. He had never thought that he would ever have cause to darken this doorstep again. He had never thought that he would have cause to come back, to visit this temple, this shrine. The house was a temple to her, to Masami. Every step brought back another memory of her.
Opened the gate brought back memories of bringing so called extra food just to spend time with her and the kids.
Walking up the path up to the door reminded him of walking hand in hand with the kids on their first day of school.
The feel of the doormat under his feet reminded him of all of those times when he would compose himself here before he came to see the Suzuki family. To see Masami and the kids. When he would have to remind himself that this was not his house, she was not his wife, and they were not his children. That was not his family that lived on the other side of that door. Those were just…the people he cared about most in the world. The people he cared most about lived on the other side of that door.
Nobody lived on the other side of that door.
This house was nothing more than a shrine. A shrine to a life once lived. A shrine to a family that could have been. A shrine to the most beautiful, sweetest, kindest, most amazing woman in the entire world. The woman that he had loved most in the world. She was…she was….
She was gone and this was just a house.
He went in. He had to go in. He had a job to do. He had taken a personal day to get himself sorted and then spent the last three weeks figuring out how to get Suzuki sorted. How to get that sorted. How to get…her name was Mukai, Sho had sent him pictures….sorted out. He cared so much for that baby…and so did Fukuda. He cared for the baby as much as he could care for a child that…that was not Masami's. That should not have been. Suzuki….he had no business having more children. He was ruining the ones that he already had. That baby would not have Masami's influence to taper whatever Suzuki was going to end up doing to mess her up. No, he had to do what was best for the child, for the world, and for himself.
He couldn't do it again.
He could not get attached to one of Suzuki's children again. He could not let himself get attached only to get hurt. He could not…he could not watch Suzuki ruin another person's life. Not that poor, innocent, baby's life…she was better off somewhere else, anywhere else. The search for her mother, for Pang Sujin, came up fruitless. She was gone and out of this world. She wasn't dead….he hadn't seen a body or a grave….but she was a ghost, now. She was gone without a trace. She had found a way to disappear completely and never be found again…a pattern when it came to the women in Suzuki's life…
And she had left behind a child, the second part of the pattern.
When he realized that he would not be able to find Pang Sujin, she really did not want to be found, he instead looked for someone who could take care of the baby. Someone without crippling social and emotional problems…a rarity in Claw. For them having an abusive childhood, substance abuse issues, personality disorders, and just plain being unpleasant and rejected by society seemed to be the norm. That was…not good. That coupled with how badly skewed the male to female ratio of espers was…
And Suzuki would not have accepted the baby being raised outside of Claw or by anyone other than a woman. Minegishi put it best when he…she…they called Suzuki a 'sexist asshole'.
The pool of qualified people was small, very small, and it was a miracle he had found anyone at all. Tsuchiya from the Seventh Division. She was a normal woman. She'd had two parents who never abused her in any way, finished school through university, and before joining Claw had been a somewhat famous figure in the world of women's mixed martial arts. No substance abuse issues, no personality disorders, and she wasn't one of Claw's devout cultists either. She was just a woman who wanted to make it in the world and thought that it was better to join the most powerful man on Earth than to stand against him.
Also she liked kids.
So there, it had taken three goddamned mother fucking weeks but he'd gotten the baby problem sorted out. Now all he needed to do was sort out the Suzuki problem. That would not be as easy. It hadn't taken too long to track him down. He went to familiar places when he was feeling overwhelmed and having an oops baby was overwhelming. Not that he had anyone to blame but himself. They'd been in the same health class back in school. They'd both put the condoms on the wooden penises. Suzuki knew about contraception. He knew that he was a powerful man and that women would try to take him to bed. He knew that he was married and not allowed to-
He was not going to think about his mixed feelings about all of this.
He was not going to think about how angry he was at Suzuki for hurting Masami or how relieved he was at Suzuki for taking steps to get over Masami. He was just…not going to think about it. He was also not going to think about how much HE loved Masami and how he would have given anything for her to open the door and let him and-
And he had to go in and get Suzuki before those morons in Claw decided to wage war on the world all by themselves.
Suzuki came to him.
"Fukuda. Explain." Said Suzuki. He knew what he was there for. Fukuda was, as usual, overstepping. He was there to drag him back to Claw, well try to, and…and Suzuki would not and could not go. Not while Baby was there…unless Fukuda had changed his mind and was going to take in Baby…but then he would still be in close proximity to her….
"I'm here to bring you back, boss. I've been out of the loop these past few weeks and all but I assume that without you Claw's going to hell in a handbasket." Said Fukuda. That would work, appeal to his work, appeal to the fact that the people he had been micromanaging for thirty years would fall apart without him.
"I'm…taking a leave of absence." Said Suzuki. He knew how pathetic that sounded. He knew how pathetic he looked. His hair was long enough to start to spike up and he had gone far too long without shaving…even his clothing was disheveled. God…what a sight he must have made. What Fukuda must have thought…
Not that he gave a damn what Fukuda or anyone else thought. He had no reason to. He was Suzuki Touichirou. The thoughts and feelings of others were of no consequence to him.
"It's been three weeks." Said Fukuda. No. Nope. He healed fast. Even if Suzuki decided to try and put him in the ground right then and there he would still drag him back to Claw kicking and screaming. The inmates could not be trusted to run the asylum. Even with the limited communication Fukuda allowed himself to receive he could tell that everything was going to shit.
He had been invited to witness the 'World Championship of Chair Jousting' where they would be fighting for the title of Champion of the Known Universe….and apparently next week they would be fighting for the title of Champion of the Multiverse…..
Children. Claw was staffed by overgrown children…and in front of him was the worst of the lot.
"I can read a calendar." Said Suzuki even though he hadn't known, exactly, how long it had been. Time had no meaning for him. He ate when he was hungry and drank when he was thirsty and slept when he was tired. A simple existence but one that had been working for him….and now it was all over. He knew that it was. He was…he was a very important man…and he had to get back to work….
And to stop hiding from a baby.
"I never said that you couldn't. I was just saying, boss, that everyone's getting sort of restless. They need you back. The inmates are running the asylum and….well….they aren't good at it. People have been keeping me somewhat in the loop and…yeah. It's bad." Said Fukuda
"Define 'bad'." Said Suzuki. Bad could have meant anything from mass mutinies to some idiot getting his arm caught in the vending machine. He didn't know….well he did. The Awakened made up most of Claw and while they were his most devout followers they were also, for lack of a better word, stupid. Many of them were just plain stupid…and there were so many of them….
The inmates really were running the asylum. Wonderful.
"They're started several chair jousting leagues." Said Fukuda. He pulled up the picture of the hand drawn flier he had saved to his phone. Sho's work, it seemed like, though Fukuda prayed to whatever kind and loving God that was up there that he was not involved in this nonsense….
He should have been there for Sho.
The kids must have been…well Sho must have been scared out of his mind. Shigeko was probably just as disaffected as normal. The baby…they had awakened to tend to the baby. Plus other upper echelon members…and also Sho would have told him if the baby had gotten truly sick or died…he felt like crap for ghosting Sho but…but he was not about to answer any questions. One question would lead to two which would lead to three which would, eventually, lead to Sho asking where the new baby had come from….
And Fukuda was not about to explain to a nine year old boy that his dad had made a baby with a woman who was not his mother and now that baby had been abandoned and…and a whole lot of other shit that a nine year old did not need banging around in his head.
"No. I put a stop to that after all of those Awakened kept on losing teeth and eyes." Said Suzuki. Children the lot of them. They needed him to save them from their own stupidity…and his own children needed him too…and he needed….he needed to stay away. When he was near that baby, and he knew it would happen again, he got so close to an explosion that…the loss of control would result in….
He had already made himself an orphan. He did not need to destroy his children as well.
"Well they're doing it so…you know. I think that you should come back. For the kids' sake, too. I bet that they miss you. They're only nine and ten years old after all." Said Fukuda. If he was Sho he would have been jumping for joy…but Suzuki had no idea how his Son felt about him. That was the trick to dealing with Suzuki. Let him feel more important than he was. Let him think that he was more wanted than he was.
"They're fine. Everything is fine. I trust Daughter. I trust that she is caring for her brother and…and Baby." Said Suzuki
"She's all alone with the baby." Said Fukuda
"I am aware of the state that I left her in." said Suzuki
"She's only ten years old." Said Fukuda. They were on dangerous ground, now. Baby. Not 'The Baby' but Baby. Just Baby. Suzuki…he had a thing about names. He had called Fukuda friend for a while, and then later on companion, before the long and arduous battle of the name was won. Masami, likewise, had been wife….but she had put a stop to that. Shigeko was still 'Daughter' and Sho was still 'Son' though…but that was a right sight better than 'Girl' and 'Boy'….or Baby. Sho had been Baby and then he had been Boy and now he was Son. Suzuki…he was claiming the baby as his…at least a little…
Fukuda had to think in the best interests of the child.
"She's very capable. She's her mother's Daughter." Said Suzuki. She was like a small Masami. She was…she was and was not her mother….and she could handle this. She would handle this. She was capable and loving and….and she could and would handle this. She was….she was doing just fine…
He trusted her. He loved her.
"Yes…and she's only ten." Said Fukuda. He focused on keeping his aura calm and still. How dare he mention Masami after what he had done to her! After everything that he had done to her! After he had spent years neglecting and mistreating her! After he had ruined her children's lives! After he had cheated on her! After he had made an illegitimate child with another woman!
Calm down.
"I am aware of her age." Said Suzuki
"Just…she doesn't have to take care of the baby, ok? I found someone who'll take her in. Tsuchiya from the Seventh Division." Said Fukuda. Suzuki was staring at him. Tiny pupils. Churning aura. That was…that may not have been good…or it could have been. Suzuki was….full of surprises.
"The Scar?" asked Suzuki. A Scar? Raising his….raising the baby. A Baby. Baby. A Scar was…Scars were powerful espers in their own right…so why did he feel like…like this? Whatever this feeling was…the one settling there in his chest….
"She's the best I can do. I knew that you would have wanted the baby to be raised in Claw and I know that you think that women are the best at raising kids-" said Fukuda
"I know they are." Said Suzuki. They had a loving patience to him that he knew he, nor any other man, could ever possess.
"….right. Anyway she said yes, she would take care of the baby, and I know that she'll do better than I ever could. I'm sorry but I just cannot raise a baby. I have never taken care of a baby before and I know that I am just not capable of raising a child." Said Fukuda
"You like children." Said Suzuki. He…had no idea how he felt. If Fukuda had been the one raising Baby then he would have had to be in close proximity to her…and why…why did he sort of want that now? What…what was even wrong with him?
"That doesn't mean that I can raise one. I like chocolate, too, that doesn't make me a chocolatier." Said Fukuda. There was some silence, there, as the wheels in Suzuki's head turned. He hoped and prayed that Suzuki's wheels were turning in a favorable direction…because he could not do it again. Get attached to one of Suzuki's kids and then watch him ruin its life.
"That…makes sense. Thank you. I-I'll be along….I'll be cutting my leave of absence short. You're dismissed." Said Suzuki. This was…this was a good thing. His problem was solved…so why did he feel…why did he feel like this? Like…Daughter was going to be hurt. That must have been it. Concern for Daughter's wellbeing. That was all. He was…he was concerned for her. Baby was….Baby was a problem that was being solved.
Baby was not his child.
Baby was going to be fine and he was fine and this whole situation was fine. This house…him…all of it. He needed to get back to work. He needed to get back to life. He needed to shave and change and….and leave. He needed to leave this place behind him where it belonged. He needed…he needed a great many things.
But making a strategic retreat was not going to be one of them.