Author's Note: Okay, we're back again and ready to deliver chapter three! Again, I want to thank those of you who take time out of your busy day to review my humble work. And I'd also like to thank those of you who don't review, but enjoy them anyway. The happy vibes you give off are reflected by the number of hits under every chapter. (Big, cheesy grin.)

Disclaimer: As you know, the Trigun guys (and one gal) belong to Yasuhiro Nightow-san, and the InuYasha villains owe their being to Ruminko Takahashi-san.

And, introducing, based on the request of The Desperado, that sinfully lovely lady, Lust of FullMetal Alchemist! She belongs to Hiromu Arakawa-san, and I am delighted to have her appear in this fic. To The Desperado, I tip my cowboy hat to you. It was my pleasure, pardner. Also introducing, as per the request of Shale 101, the cruel, the cunning, the conniving, Envy! He also comes to visit from FullMetal Alchemist. To Shale, with a court bow, I hope it meets your expectations.

And all other villains that may be mentioned, also belong to someone else. I just don't have the time to go look up writers, artists, producers, etc. for everyone. My apologies. I do hope you all (i.e., anyone who could sue me for violation of copyright laws) understand.

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"Ooh, that jerk makes me so angry!"

A clear, bright morning was dawning over the So, You're So Evil You Could Swap Notes With Satan? Villains' Convention. However, Dominique the Cyclops was too mad to enjoy it. Her hands were slowly clenching themselves into fists of rage around the old Cosmopolitan magazine she had been trying to read. "I swear, Knives couldn't do a damn thing for himself if his life depended on it!"

Kagura nodded her head sympathetically, looking up from her copy of Vogue. "I understand. Naraku is the same, believe me. Every time he thinks he might be in danger from that InuYasha half-breed, up goes the shield and out I go to defend him. I've almost gotten used to it. But that doesn't stop me from dreaming of the day I say my farewells to his broken corpse and go my own way." A blissful smile spread across the Wind Witch's face, which was still covered in the green mud used in expensive beauty treatments.

"So, what did tall, blonde and devious do now?" Lust asked, absently sipping her morning coffee. It was, in her opinion, still far too early to be at the salon, but the purple-haired woman had made it clear that if they didn't hit the spa early she wouldn't be able to go at all.

A vein popped in Dominique's forehead. "Oh, he just said that if I wasn't at the booth by nine he'd retract the bonus I get for coming to this stupid con in the first place! Yeah, I'll be at the freaking booth, and glorious Master Knives will be face down in his own drool, sleepin' away! Midvalley will be just now crawling back to his room from an all-nighter at the bar, Legato will be stuffing his face at the breakfast buffet, and Rai Dei will most likely be hiding in his closet being the antisocial S.O.B. he is! Aaah, it's maddening!"

"Why don't you kill him?" Lust supplied helpfully, taking another graceful sip of coffee. "That's what I do when someone annoys me."

Dominique sighed. "Unfortunately, dead plants don't sign paychecks."

"Your pedicure is done, dear," the cheerful woman at her feet smiled. "Careful, they're still a bit tacky. My, but you have such graceful feet! And the periwinkle polish goes marvelously with your unique hair color."

"Really, you think so?" Dominique blushed and smiled cutely.

"Oh, absolutely!" Lust and Kagura agreed wholeheartedly.

Dominique stood up and made a few poses with her feet, turning them this way and that. "I love it. What's the charge?"

"A hundred and fifty three eighty, dear."

Dominique blanched, but then an evil smirk crossed her face. "Excellent. Put it on my boss's tab."

Giggling evilly, the three women were about to crack into a box of celebratory low-calorie éclairs when a familiar voice was heard. "Um, excuse me? Dominique?" Vash hesitated in the doorway, unwilling to venture farther into the incredibly pink and feminine domain that was the ladies' spa.

"Kiss the quiet goodbye, girls," Dominique sighed, giving in to the inevitable. "What is it, Vash?"

"Uh, sorry to interrupt, but Knives sent me down to...to...to..."

"To what?" Dominique asked impatiently. "Spit it out!"

Vash wasn't listening. He had suddenly caught sight of Lust. The beautiful Homunculus was lounging in her rather provocative black robe, nestled comfortably in a cushy chair as the beautician finished the last coat of blood red paint on her pedicure. Unconcerned, she continued to sip daintily at her coffee and flip through the Vogue copy that Kagura had discarded, apparently taking no notice of the visitor. Vash's mouth fell open and he began to drool.

"Oh for God's sake." Dominique was not amused.

Vash, never one to beat around the bush, suddenly shot into the salon, pink interior decor be damned. Very nearly tripping over his own feet, he scrambled over to Lust's chair and laid his head on the armrest, whimpering faintly as little hearts fluttered around his head. "So... beautiful..."

Lust shot a sharp glance at Dominique, who could only shrug. "This is... new. Hey, wait a second." She lowered the Vogue to take a closer look at her admirer. "Nice coat. Say, aren't you Millions' brother? Weren't you wearing black yesterday?"

"Oh, that's only when I'm out in the con," Vash murmured dreamily. "Off times I can wear the coat they didn't ruin. They put Wite Out in my hair, too, but I washed it."

"I see. Yes, red does look better on you." A smile was beginning to creep onto the Homunculus' face, despite her best efforts against it. "Are you sure you're not one of the good guys? No, wait, don't answer that. I'd hate to have to kill off a sweet dog like you." Vash looked like he'd died and gone to heaven as Lust gave his spiky (and correction fluid-free) hair a pat.

"Will you give it a rest, Lust?" They all glanced up as a man with extra long dark hair and a bare waistline waltzed in, sparing not a though for the pink motif of the spa or the scowling spa attendants. "You're needed upstairs. Like, now."

"Envy, what could possibly be so important that you would do such a stupid thing as interrupting my beauty treatments?" Lust flicked out her nail knives, taking the tips off a few of Vash's spikes as she did so. Vash didn't notice.

"Your fat little henchman is up there getting the shit beaten out of him by some guy with blue hair."

"Why? What are they fighting about?"

"Seems fat boy ate the entire tray of muffins in under seven seconds. I guess the other guy wanted one." Envy, through with his story, paid no attention to Lust as she swore and began to pull out her curlers. He idly looked about, seeing what, if anything, was interesting about the spa. His gaze settled on Vash. "So Lust likes you, huh?" he asked, getting up in the plant's face.

Vash managed a weak grin, remembering Knives' warning about not upsetting people when his twin wasn't around to beat them down. "Uh, I sure hope so..."

"Humph. I'm jealous!"

If Vash had known anything about Envy he would have known that making that particular Homunculus jealous was not at all advisable if you wanted to keep on living. But, as they say, ignorance is bliss. "Well, I guess that's understandable. I mean, she is a really pretty lady! I mean, I guess I'd be jealous, too!"

A very annoyed look crossed Envy's face, but surprisingly it passed quickly. "Yeah, well, whatever. I would kill you, under normal circumstances, but since you're a special case I guess I'll let you go."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"I mean you're not going to go after Lust, so..."

"Now I'm really confused!"

Envy was losing patience. "Well you're gay with your brother, aren't you? Gay men generally do not like women, am I correct?"

All three girls gasped. Dominique looked triumphant, Kagura behind her fan looked sick, and Lust just looked disappointed. "You're gay? Why didn't you say so before?"

Vash was shell shocked. "What did you say?"

"That's what I heard. So, does this mean that you aren't gay? In that case I'm afraid I shall have to kill you – hey, wait, come back! I have to slaughter you!" Vash had run screaming from the room flailing his arms, determined to find his twin and figure out why a strange man in a belly shirt had accused him of being both gay and incestuous in the same breath. Envy was disappointed. "Well, crap."

Dominique suddenly had a thought. "Envy, who told you this?"

"Eh, a mysterious, enigmatic, and cryptic figure hiding in the shadows and dressed like a baboon. Why?"

Kagura groaned. Dominique heaved a forlorn sigh, knowing that her theory had again been shot down. "Well, it isn't true. If anything, he's with the priest. Sorry, girls, but I have to go. I sense the third world war could commence at any moment. See you later!" With that the Cyclops tightened the sash on her violet robe and ran for it, leaving her slippers behind so as not to endanger her tacky toenails. Behind her she could hear the sounds of an immanent Envy bashing.

"You infested kidney weasel, you chased him away!"

"But Lust, I was jealous!"

"He was a hot, blonde, submissive dog and I was seriously thinking about picking him up, you sorry excuse for a belly dancer! I hate you!"

"Wow, Lust, you sure do have this thing for blondes with auto-mechanical limbs and height extremes, don't you?"

"What did you just say, you skinny little punk?"

"Aw, Lust! No! Please, not the nails!"

O.O.O.O.O

Knives was indeed sleeping soundly, and dreaming. In his dream, thousands of tiny spiders with human heads scuttled away screaming from his enormous, booted feet. Laughing insanely, he squashed unknown thousands of them beneath his huge footwear.

"Kniiiiiiives!"

The plant was rudely and abruptly awakened as his twin kicked in the door of the hotel room and ran inside to dive on top of him, blankets and pillows scattering to the winds. "Vash, what the hell–?!"

"Waaah, Knives, it was awful! There was this really hot lady at the spa and I ran in to talk to her and I think she liked me but then this weird guy with his stomach showing came in and said that you and I are gay together and the pretty lady was all upset and it freaked me out and I ran back here to get you and why would anyone think that about us Knives? Knives?"

The older blonde had collapsed face first into his pillow, hoping that he was just having a nightmare. "Go away! I'm not ready for this yet! It's not even past eight! Go away!"

Vash dodged his brother's swinging fist. "But Knives! He said such horrible, horrible things!"

"Then kill him!"

"But that's wrong!"

"Then I'll kill him, after I've had some more sleep! Get out of here!"

It was then that Dominique caught up. She leaned heavily on the doorframe, panting for breath (which, as she was still in her robe and nothing else, would have been quite a sight if Vash wasn't so preoccupied at the moment). "Master Knives, you really do need to get up! Legato is making a huge scene in the dining room, and no one else can stop him when he gets like this, you know that!"

Knives was finally forced to admit defeat. With an enormous sigh he shoved his twin off the bed and sat up, not bothering to make sure that his butterfly patterned briefs were covered. "Fine! I will go get La-freaking-gato out of the dining room. Okay?"

"Um, yes, okay." Dominique turned uncomfortably away. "But, uh, Master...?" She shook another robe in his general direction, doing her best to avert her eyes. "Put this on first, would you?"

"Whatever." Knives snatched the robe from her and shrugged into it, silently pitying her. Poor spider-woman must be overwhelmed by my amazingly beautiful physique. (Little did he realize the long-term psychological damage he and his butterfly panties had just caused.) "While I'm gone I want you to find out about this guy and why he thinks I'm queer. Can you handle that, Cyclops, or have I fried your tiny spider mind?"

"It was Naraku, sir."

"What?"

"It was Naraku who told Envy that you and your brother are... involved. Apparently he is employing the tried and true and oh-so-predictable Naraku method of lying from the shadows to defeat his opponents. I'm not sure what result he thought he was going to get, but... yeah. That's who did it. Can I go back to bed?"

"No. You have to sign autographs. But I do compliment you on your ability to gather information before I even ask for it." Digging into the dresser, Knives pulled out a stack of papers. "Here, take these with you."

"What is this?"

"Pre-signed autographs. Did you actually think I was going to hang around the booth scribbling my signature on whatever a bunch of foul spider-fans shove in front of me?"

Dominique leafed through the stack. "Hmm. 'I hate you.' 'Die.' 'Go to spider-hell.' 'Sincerely, Millions Knives.' Brilliant, Master."

But Knives was already gone, Vash in tow, to visit the dining room, collect his minion, and flush out a certain chunk of demon filth he was coming to hate more and more as the convention went on.

They met Legato halfway to the dining room. He was covered in food from head to toe, and it was immediately obvious that his formerly white coat was beyond repair as far as getting all the stains out went, but he was smiling triumphantly and clutching a blueberry muffin. "Good morning, Master. I trust you slept well?"

"Save it, Legato. Ditch the coat and come with me. I can't have my minions seen looking like they've just returned from a food fight."

"But Master, I have just returned from–"

"Shut up, Legato. ...Is that an Ego stuck to your back?"

With the removal of the waffle and the soiled coat, the three continued on their mission towards the location that Sessho-maru had claimed was the hiding place of the Feudal Villains booth. Knives was beginning to regret not putting the whole escapade off for a while. He was in his underwear under the robe, Vash didn't have his dark disguise, and Legato...well, Legato was attracting a little too much attention. The blue-haired man had begun to garner some very interested looks from the fangirls, now that his encumbering coat had been lost and his rather well built upper body could clearly be seen.

"Legato, can't you do something about them?"

"I'm sorry, Master, but they appear to like me. Would you like me to kill them off?"

Knives almost said yes, before remembering that "Under no circumstances are the convention visitors to be harmed" was number one on the list of rules and conditions that all villains were obliged to signature before they could even sign up for the con. "Damn. No, just...order them to go buy Legato plushies from the booth. That will at least help boost the funds that your appetite has depleted."

"Yes, Master." Legato did as he was told. The mob scampered away, and Rai Dei and Midvalley (who were on autograph duty) would later attest that several hundred squealing girls suddenly and viciously swarmed the booth, making off with every scrap of Legato merchandise they could get their hands on. When all traces of Legato were gone, they purchased all the Trigun baby-doll tees and plush Kuroneko kitties to console themselves. All in all it was a very profitable day.

Meanwhile, Knives and his two shadows were closing in on the beverage dispensers. Crouching behind a large stuffed wolf with an arrow through its head that had been placed next to Darcia's booth, they stared intently at a likely looking empty space between the water fountains and the Mountain Dew machine. Sure enough, after about five minutes, Naraku's protective shield flickered as Kohaku and Rin stepped through.

"Okay, Rin, lord Sessho-maru gave me twenty dollars to get you a souvenir. What would you like?"

Rin thought about it for a moment before clapping her hands delightedly. "I want a stuffed Meowth from the Team Rocket booth! Please, Kohaku?"

"Alright, we'll go there. Come on, I think it's this way." As the brainwashed demon slayer led the little girl away, Knives turned to his brother and minion.

"Alright, men. This is it. We know the enemy's location. It is time to rid ourselves of this annoyance once and for all. Now, who has a plan?"

Vash enthusiastically raised his hand. "Ooh, me! Pick me!"

"Go ahead, Vash."

"Well brother, maybe if you just sort of peacefully walked in and let them laugh at your underwear for a few minutes, then he'd forget all about us laughing at him and call it even! What do you say?"

Knives stared blankly at his twin. "I'd say that was the dumbest thing I've ever heard come out of your mouth. Any other suggestions from someone who isn't stupid? Legato, would you care to run anything past me?"

Legato thought about it as Vash did his best to quietly cope with being called stupid. He finally hit upon a real gem of an idea. "I vote that we do absolutely nothing, Master, and return to the rooms to dress and have a snack."

"Explain your logic, Legato."

"Well, by doing nothing for now we retain the element of surprise that we would undoubtedly lose if we were to go in now without a good plan. If the enemy doesn't know that we know where they are hiding, they will not move their base and we will easily be able to keep track of them in secret. By getting dressed we will raise our self-confidence, and by snacking we boost our energy reserves for the battle, whenever it might arise."

"Now that is a good plan. Take notes, Vash." Taking his whimpering brother by the arm, Knives turned and headed for the elevator. "Yes, back to our room, Legato, to concoct a brilliantly evil scheme that will be Naraku's final downfall! Oh, by the way, did you remember to pick up my dry-cleaning?"

"Yes, Master. It's hanging on the back of your door."

O.O.O.O.O

As Knives and Legato went one way, Vash went another. Evil plotting didn't really hold that much appeal for him. Meandering down a random hallway, he pulled open a random closet door. Wolfwood tumbled out with a clatter of mops and buckets. "Hey, Nick."

"I was confessing, I swear!"

"Ditching autograph day, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Wanna go find a McDonald's or something? I'm starving and Legato just decimated the dining room."

"You paying?" Vash nodded. "Then by all means, lead the way." Vash did and Wolfwood followed along behind, lighting a cigarette and looking furtively around for anyone who could tattle to his bosses that he wasn't doing his job. "So Legato destroyed the dining room, huh? I wonder where they're gonna hold the dinner now..."

"Is the dinner any good, Nick?" Vash asked hopefully as they entered the lobby, wondering if Knives might be persuaded to take him along if it was.

"No, not really. Expensive, yes, but good? Not really."

Neither one of them noticed a hamster get caught in the revolving door as they left the hotel, which was just as well. That particular hamster was an agent of darkness, the most evil of evil rodents, and it was better off revolving endlessly in the door for the rest of eternity. Nor did the friends take any notice of the rather loud and annoying blonde girl soliloquizing at the gate of the con.

"Oh, Ha-chan (Hyatt), I must find a way to breach this fortress of evil, for to purge all the evil ones who wish to take control of the world! 'Cause if any of these clowns are serious about hostile takeover they're gonna get in Lord Il Palazzo's way big time! But I'm not a villain, Ha-chan, and so I cannot gain entrance! Ah, but then there are those in the uninformed and ignorant masses that, perish the thought, might see me as evil! What should I do, Ha-chan (Hyatt)?"

Vash screamed a very girly scream as the buxom young brunette crumpled at his feet, spouting blood like a loose spigot. "Oh my God, Wolfwood, she's dead! She's DEAD! Oh my God, what should we —"

"We saw nothing, man, nothing! Run!" Seizing his friend by the hand Nicholas took his own advice and ran for it. As the blonde girl drug her companion off into some conveniently located shrubbery (leaving an entirely unnoticeable blood smear behind), the two made for the golden arches across the street, already busy cooking up several different and not altogether believable alibis.

Dominique, hidden in another shrubbery, raised her camera in triumph. "These are going in the case file," she grinned wickedly, snapping a picture of their joined hands. See, I told you Knives' butterfly panties messed her up.

O.O.O.O.O

To Be Continued

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(2nd) Author's Note: Same offer still holds; if you have a favorite villain you'd like to see do something stupid (or not so stupid, depending on your tastes) feel free to bring them up. Hope to see you soon in chapter four, at the action-packed, hardcore, and totally formal dinner meeting of the United Anime Villains Union!