Author's Note: Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Another chapter finally completed! As always, a million thanks to my readers and reviewers. Y'all warm my heart like nothing else can. Sorry this took so long to post, but I am blessed (or cursed) with an exceptionally active imagination that prompts me to work on five, count them, five fics at once... but I digress. On with the chapter!
Disclaimer: This fic shall feature villains from Trigun, InuYasha, FullMetal Alchemist, Fruits Basket, Hellsing, Cowboy Bebop, Dragon Ball Z, and Yu-Gi-Oh!... that I know of. Oh, and Mew Mew! More may show up. In fact I'm sure they will. But this particular fic has always been, and always will be, predominantly Trigun. And let me reiterate... I own NOTHING!
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Dusk was falling over the So, You're So Evil You Could Swap Notes With Satan? Villains' Convention. It had been many hours since Vash and Wolfwood had escaped to the McDonald's across the street from the manic con, and they had yet to return.
They had spent the day hiding behind large newspapers whenever someone from the con happened to walk into their restaurant sanctuary, and trying to cook up something good to tell the cops if questioned about the mystery brunette's untimely demise. They hoped to stay un-missed and unrecognized until at least dark, then sneak back into the con for the J-pop dance, the single biggest chick-picking-up-ing-est event of the whole maddening trip.
Vash sipped wearily at what had to be his twentieth coke, glancing across the small table at his friend. Wolfwood, surrounded by empty French fry containers, was shaking and quivering slightly. He had rather a buzzed look on his face, which to others might have suggested a drug problem of some sort. To Vash, however, it seemed perfectly normal, as the priest had single-handedly consumed five pots of coffee in the time they had been in hiding. Afterwards, to kill the taste in his mouth, he'd ordered three McFlurries. He had then eaten the fries (and sent his sodium levels skyrocketing in the process) to try to slow the effects of too much caffeine and sugar. As of, yet it hadn't worked.
"Nick, why don't you go get some water or something? You look like a crack addict." And, as you all know, drugs are bad, children!
"Oh no, I'm fine. Really." Wolfwood tried a sincere smile, the effects of which were lost when his teeth began to chatter.
"Come on, Nick, we're going out. You need to walk it off. It's almost dark anyway – hey, pay attention!"
Wolfwood was turned around in his seat, offering a fry to a large black bird that happened to be perched on the shoulder of the occupant of the booth behind them. "Just a second, I wanna see if he'll eat it. Come on little guy, it's good. Have a taste, you'll like it."
Vash blanched. The bird looked downright evil, and he wouldn't trust it not to put out his friend's eye. "Wolfwood, don't! Maybe its owner doesn't want you to –" But the man, a tall guy with shoulder length silver hair, had already turned around and was staring at them. "Oh, uh... sorry, sir. My friend here's just a little wired right now, and I'm sure he didn't mean any harm to your bird or anything..."
"No harm done, I suppose. Wait a moment, aren't you that outlaw with the 60,000,000,000 double dollar bounty on his head?"
"Eek! No! That's so totally not me! I don't have any idea what you're talking about!" Vash got ready to grab Wolfwood and run in the very likely even that this man was a bounty hunter. But his fears seemed unfounded.
"No need to get so upset," the man said. "You may call me Vicious. I am looking for a certain bounty hunter that looks like this." He held up a picture of another man with a mop of shaggy green hair wearing a blue jacket. "This ass skipped the syndicate we were both involved in and conveniently forgot to pay off his bar and restaurant tabs. I picked them up, but he now owes me quite a large sum and refuses to admit it. If the two of you ever cross paths, call me. Here's my card."
"Uh, okay." Vash hesitantly accepted the proffered card, but was suddenly more concerned with what Wolfwood was doing. The priest had offered a half empty carton of fries to the bird, and it was enthusiastically gulping them down. "Um, well, I guess we better get back to the con now. Nice to meet you mister!" Grabbing his friend by the back of the coat, Vash pulled him out of the McDonald's, desperately hoping that the silver-haired man wouldn't put two and two together in the event of his bird being suddenly and violently ill on his shoulder.
O.O.O.O.O
Back at the hotel, Knives and Legato were preparing. They were preparing, not for battle, but for something infinitely more horrible. They were preparing...to put on ties.
"But Master, I don't know how to put on a tie!"
"I don't know either, but we're just going to have to figure it out! I refuse to go in there wearing a clip-on! Stupid spider-formal wear... How about...does it go like this, maybe...?"
Legato sweat-dropped. "Um, Master, that's how you make a noose."
"Damn. And this color is hideous!" It was chartreuse. "Hand me that one in the back. No, not the spots! The stripes, Legato, the stripes! God, this dinner is going to be a disaster, I can feel it!" Knives tossed the offending tie to the floor and took several calming breaths. "Alright Millions, get a grip. It's only a dinner. Nothing to get worked up about. Now, who do we know that we can force to fasten our ties?"
"What about Midvalley, Master? He wears a tie. Sometimes." Legato looked with distaste on his own tie, an unattractive paisley number. He'd rather wear one of Midvalley's, even if all of the musician's ties were pink. Actually he'd like to have one with little hotdogs on it, but that was beside the point.
"Yes, the Hornfreak!" Knives grinned delightedly at the prospect of harassing his lesser minion. He hadn't seen the little priss all day. "Good thinking, Legato. You're slowly redeeming yourself for the dining room incident."
"Er, thank you, Master."
That settled, they proceeded out of the apartment and down the hall to the room that Rai Dei and Midvalley had been arguing over. The fight they'd had about it hadn't been pretty, but had ended quickly when a very annoyed Knives had proposed that both the Gung-Ho Guns might prefer sleeping in coffins instead. In the end, they shared the room.
Midvalley was not in the room. Nor was Rai Dei, but that didn't bother them because they doubted if the samurai could do ties anyway. Knives took a while to ponder. "Well, I suppose we had better get down to the lobby anyway. The dinner will start soon. Surely someone down there must know how to tie these things."
"Perhaps Vash knows, Master," Legato suddenly suggested. "He lives among humans every day. Surely he has encountered ties somewhere during that time?"
"Legato, that's it! You are completely pardoned from the kitchen incident." Giving his ecstatic blue-haired minion several approving pats on the head, Knives spun on his heel and made for the elevator. "Let's go. Where there is food and alcohol, and where there are attractive spider-women, my brother will be there. To the lobby!"
O.O.O.O.O
The lobby was plunged in a state of complete and utter chaos. Villains of every shape, size, gender, ethnicity, species, and orientation were gathered together to await the opening of the newly cleaned and straightened dining room and the biannual meeting of the United Anime Villain's Union.
The door guards were having a horrible time just keeping people who were not supposed to be in attendance out of the hotel. No sooner had they turned away the Nebraska family on the completely righteous grounds of being too large to fit inside the building, let alone get through the doors without getting stuck, another crisis occurred. Nigh on a thousand demented looking Nazi zombie vampires stormed the doors, demanding entrance.
"No, no, no!" shouted one guard, waving his glow stick. "There are too many of you! Only two representatives from each group of villains are allowed! Those are all we have room for!" So the zombies held a closed conference and selected two of their more promising candidates to enter the dinner.
And just when the guards had admitted the zombie representatives and were beginning to think that their problems were over, two more troublemakers decided to have a go.
"Let me in!" howled the one in the giant red hat. "I've got to get rid of the zombies or my frigid wench of a master will cut off my in-room Internet service! Get out of the way!"
"Are ye mad, laddies? Don't let that vampire freak within a mile o' yer dinner party!" the rosary-wielding other gritted through a heavy Scottish accent as he tried to elbow the one in red off the steps. "Let me in! I'm the good guy, and I fight in the name o' God! I'll take care o' yer vampire problem!"
"No, I'm the good guy!"
"No ye're not, ye crazy monster! I am!"
"I am!"
"I am!"
"Gentlemen!" bellowed the guard. "I can't let either one of you in, as this is a convention specifically forbidding the entrance of anyone who is not considered a villain. I'm sorry, but you'll both have to leave."
Alucard and Anderson stared at each other for a moment.
"Alright, then I'm the villain! Let me in!"
"No ye're not, ye psychotic, un-dead beastie! I'm the villain!"
"Priests can't be villains, you stupid son of a –"
"Alright, that's it." As guns were drawn the security team dove into action, pouncing on the surprised rivals and dragging them off the premises. "And don't come back until you've attended joint therapy!" the lead guard called after them, triumphantly waving his glow stick.
"NO!" Anderson howled as he was drug away, kicking and screaming. "Ye don't know what ye're doing! Ye don't know what ye're up against! They'll come back, I tell ye, all o' them! Ye won't stand a chance! Alucard, back me up, here!"
"Gimme back my hat!" Alucard wailed, reaching for the sniggering guard who had picked it up.
Knives and Legato, rather than doing their best not to stare, laughed and pointed at the spectacle. It was good to be evil. Wandering through the crowd, they at last came upon Vash and Wolfwood, and also Dominique.
Dominique had several of her friends with her. Knives recognized Lust and Kagura, but with them was another woman he didn't know. Vash, thankfully in his black coat and glasses, was flirting hot and heavy with Lust. He had decided that the dark costume would work to his advantage in that area as well. She had also readily accepted his assertions that he was not, in fact, gay, much to his relief.
"So I told them I wasn't going to their stupid dinner, and if they didn't leave me alone to go out with the girls for once there were going to be some massive bloodstains on the carpets," Lust giggled. "So now Greed and Envy are going to represent us and Sloth and I get to go back to the spa with Dom. Right Sloth?"
The other Homunculus politely stifled a yawn, then smiled at Vash. Not that she was bored, she just had the tendency to yawn a lot. "Yes, that's right."
"Good for you!" Vash beamed, really trying to win some hearts. "You lovely ladies deserve an evening of rest and relaxation! Can I get either of you a drink? Some toast points, perhaps?"
"Psst, Vash," Knives whispered, inching up to his twin through the crowd. "Can you do us a favor?"
"Oh, sure, bro." Without even waiting to hear the request, Vash snatched the tie out of his brother's hand and fixed it around his neck, quick as lightning. In seconds he did the same for Legato and resumed his conversation with Lust. "So, what were we saying?"
Knives gave his brother a silent shoulder slap of thanks and turned to Legato. "So, Bluesummers. Ready for this?"
"I think I can handle it, Master."
"Good. But I want you to try to remember a few things. Number one: we don't like anyone in here, so we are not obligated to be nice to any of them. Number two: remembering rule number one, it doesn't matter whether or not anyone else gets as much food as we do. So eat whatever you want." Legato let out a gasp of joy. "And most importantly, number three: if I look like I'm going to fall asleep, poke me in the head. Got it?"
"Yes, Master."
"Excellent. I always knew you were bright." While Legato stood as if in a trance, thinking about all the glorious food he would consume in the immediate future, Knives took a look around. He saw many familiar faces, and most of them made him curl his lip in distaste. After all, Knives did have a severe superiority complex. However, he was soon jostled out of pondering how much better he was than everyone else as a group of very hyper children ran by. A familiar face was at the lead. Knives' eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Hey, you! Beast! What are you up to?"
Zazie brought his pack to a halt. "It's a secret," he growled. Knives ignored him in favor of looking over the other children in the group. He picked out Rin and Kanna from Naraku's rabble, but the others seemed to be new additions to Zazie's pack. The young boy Wrath with oddly mismatched limbs and an immense mop of black hair was present, grinning widely. Kohaku was there looking miserable, clearly under orders from Sessho-maru to watch over Rin. Knives recognized the three little alien kids, Kish, Pie, and Tart, from Tokyo Mew Mew, Midvalley's favorite Saturday morning show. And running behind came a slightly older boy with ears and a tail wearing what looked like a Nazi uniform, swastika and all.
What is with this sudden Nazi influence? Knives thought to himself.
This last boy skidded around the group and scampered up to the black-haired woman with Dominique. "Rip! Rip, let me use your gun! It's important!"
The woman looked down at the boy, protectively clutching the immense gun she had slung over her shoulder. "What do you want with the Precious?"
The boy rolled his disturbingly animal eyes. "Give it a rest, Rip. We all know you like that Rings movie. Now give it!" He reached for the gun but was denied.
"Why?"
"That boy in the poncho is calling me names! He said I was a girl, and then he said he could boss me around because I'm an animal, and then he said I couldn't even make up my mind if I was a cat or a wolf! How dare he insult the superior race! Give me the gun!"
Dominique and Kagura exchanged scared looks. The kid looked ready to bite someone. Rip Van Winkle sighed. "Schrodinger, we've been through this. We decided you're a mixed breed, remember? We talked about how special that made you?"
"NOO!" The kid covered his cat/wolf ears, unwilling to listen. Zazie laughed. "Just give me the gun!"
"You'll never have the Precious!" An enormous evil grin broke across Rip's face that made everyone around her step quickly away. Laughing insanely she broke and ran for the spa, holding the huge gun over her head. Lust went after her, a bottle of meds clutched firmly in one gloved hand. Obviously Rip had missed her latest dose. Vash whimpered and waved a sad goodbye.
"See you later, Master Knives!" Dominique called cheerfully, running after her friends with Kagura and Sloth behind her. "Have fun at your banquet! We have a date with the hot tubs and sauna!" With a little wave she disappeared into the crowd.
Zazie likewise bolted, his crew of children following along behind him. Schrodinger the were-cat/wolf took off in hot pursuit, howling like a thing possessed, determined to rip the poncho boy into tiny pieces. "I'll get you, you little blonde frigger!"
Knives blinked. "Well. That was...odd. Hmm, I do hope he catches Zazie..."
"Yep." Wolfwood casually lit another cigarette. "Up for a friendly game of air hockey, Vash?"
"She's gone, Nick!"
"I know. I saw her leave. Wanna pay a little visit to the arcade?"
"I guess so..." Vash left with a sigh. "See you later, bro, Legato. Enjoy dinner."
Knives huffed. "Whatever." Further conversation was brought to a halt as the ornate doors to the newly cleaned and restored dining room opened with a flourish. "Ladies and gentlemen," a tuxedo-clad host announced, "welcome, to the meeting of the United Anime Villains Union, and thank you for choosing not to destroy our dining room a second time, in advance." Legato sweat-dropped. "Please enter and find your places. Thank you."
Knives straightened his tie and, followed closely by Legato, he led the way in. At this point in the trip he felt ready for anything. But, honestly, it was only an hour-long dinner party. How bad could it possibly be?
O.O.O.O.O
Akito Sohma was presiding. Contrary to the attitude of almost everyone else who had been selected to preside in the past, he looked quite happy. Seated in a large chair at the head of the center-most of three long banquet tables, he was smiling and stroking the heavily tranquilized orange cat in his lap. "So nice to see you all! The places are marked, so feel free to mill around and find your seats."
Knives cautiously eased over to the left side table and found his and Legato's name tags. So far, so good. Sitting down, they took a look at some of their table companions.
"But I came into the saga first!" Freeza hissed, threatening his series partner with the toothpick out of his cocktail.
Cell sneered. "So? Trunks killed you in, like, two seconds. The only reason you're here in the first place is because Buu threw a tantrum and refused to show."
"You lie, overgrown beetle!"
"Aw, the short little girly-man is mad at me! I'm scared!"
Yamis Marik and Bakura were deep in heated debate over which of them was more evil, and so the senior villain representative of their series. Yami Bakura seemed to be winning due to sheer cuteness. Nothing out of the ordinary there.
Knives glanced at the two men seated directly across from Legato and himself. A short, pudgy gentleman in yet more Nazi garb and a much taller fellow with rather short hair. Yep, perfectly normal.
Legato was staring threateningly at Greed, who was seated beside him, wondering if he was also going to have to fight this Homunculus over the food, and whether or not this fur-collared member of the FullMetal Alchemist villains' cast would be tougher than the fat one. Greed stared back for a moment before turning away to hoard the after-dinner mints someone had foolishly set out on the table in front of a large group of hungry villains. It seemed that a battle wasn't going to occur, at least not right then.
Knives took a moment to be quasi-grateful for the small things, as Greed began to choke on an over-large mouthful of mints.
Legato left off staring and began to nervously nibble the corner of his napkin in anticipation, waiting for the dinner to begin. Knives placed his own napkin in his lap and waited for the dinner to end.
And so it began. Akito suddenly stood up, dumping the lethargic orange cat off his lap as he did so, and tapped his wine glass for attention. "Ladies and gentlemen. Our first course will be a light seafood salad on wheat crackers, to be served shortly. While we wait, let us all stand and recite the United Anime Villains' Pledge. Those not in compliance will be shot. Those not in compliance that survive the shooting will be killed in another, nastier way."
Grudgingly the assembly shuffled to their feet and faced the hanging skull and crossbones flag, placing their hands over what passed for their evil, withered, and blackened hearts. As one (more or less) they recited the pledge.
"I do solemnly swear to be the best villain I can be, to wreck complete and total chaos, to sew the seeds of dissension, and to ruin all that is good and pure in this or any other world. I swear to ruthlessly follow the chosen protagonist and/or protagonists of my choice, and to do my utmost to make their lives an utter and unbearable hell. I vow to stamp out love, merriment, and laughter wherever and whenever they arise. Every day and in every way, I am becoming more and more evil. Huzza!"
"Damn I hate that pledge," Knives commented to no one in particular as the first course was served. It was gonna be a long banquet.
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(2nd) Author's Note: Be sure to tune in soon for the climactic conclusion of the United Anime Villains' Union banquet! Blood, and possibly gravy, will be spilled! Rolls will roll! And it will be messy. See you there!