Suzuki did not like it when the children were angry with him.
He knew that he shouldn't have cared, and part of him didn't, but part of him did. The sentimental part of him did. The part that had the time and energy to indulge in little walks down memory lane. The part that stopped off when they were small and they would greet him with open arms when he came through the door after being away from them for weeks on end.
He had not gotten a warm welcome when he came through the door.
He had no idea why. He had been gone long enough for the children to miss him. They hadn't seen him almost a month but…but they hadn't even come to the door. They had sensed his aura, he knew that they had both sensed him, but when he came through the door he didn't find happy children or even content children. He hadn't found any children at all.
Strange.
Their shoes had still been there in the makeshift genkan but they were not. They hadn't even been together, which was something else that was strange, because they had always gotten frightened when they were separated. But they had been separated. Daughter had been laying down in front of the television watching the movie she liked about the ice queen…but in Korean for some reason…and holding a doll's sock in her hand.
He didn't understand.
He knew that she knew that he was there. Her eyes and her aura stayed fixed away from him. It was like she was making a point not to look at him. He didn't understand. She…she cared for him. She had always cared for him but now…now she was just laying there…and the whole thing was too much like a certain other scene that he had seen played out time and time again before…
He needed to stop thinking of Masami.
He never should have gone back to the old house. He never should have gone back to the place where…where a lot of unpleasantness had taken place. The whole thing had left him feeling very off kilter. His aura was active, moving and flaring and all of that, and he felt…not good. This whole thing had been too much. Too big. Just…this whole thing….
He wished that he could have just forgotten it.
"Daughter." Said Suzuki. He had to be the one to greet her first because he got the feeling that she would have ignored him until he left her. She was…he didn't want to believe that she was ignoring him…..so he didn't. He chose not to believe it. The simplest explanation was usually the correct one. Daughter wanting to ignore him was not a simple explanation. She had never ignored him before and he had no idea why she was ignoring him now. She had no reason to.
She had been very happy in his absence.
She had taken over for him pretty much as soon as it became clear he would not be coming back anytime soon. Maybe she was ignoring him because she had tasted true power and developed a craving for it. Maybe that was it. Maybe she knew that with his return she would have to step down as the temporary President of Claw…a position and title which she had given herself. That could have been it….but that explanation wasn't simple enough. To go with that explanation he would have had to delve into why she wanted power in the first place. He would have had to come up with some sort of plan in case she ever tried to take power from him or, more realistically, her brother. He would have had to deal with the fact that she was not his blood and she could never rule.
He didn't have the energy to deal with that.
So that was not the explanation he went with. It was not the most simple explanation. Perhaps she resented him for leaving her. That could have been it. She had been his constant travelling companion since she had been seven years old. A short amount of time for him, three years, but almost a third of her life. She had just turned ten after all. That could have been it…but she had complained, before, about how often they moved around. How tired she was all the time due to jetlag. How she disliked waking up and not knowing what country she was in. He offered to have a sign made for her which she could hang up beside her bed, one of those 'you are here' signs, but she declined. So therefore she did not resent him for leaving. That explanation would require it's own explanation and he did not feel like going down that rabbit hole.
There was a more simple explanation somewhere in there. He just had to figure it out.
"Hi, dad." Said Daughter. She looked at him, briefly, before retuning her eyes to the television screen. He waited to see if she had more to say to him. It seemed that she didn't.
"How have you been?" asked Suzuki. That was a question that people asked each other. It was ok for him to ask her how she had been. Right? She…she usually told him. She usually told him how she had been…in great detail…but now she was being so…distant. Distant and different.
He didn't like this at all.
"Good. You?" asked Daughter. She was still watching television. He had no idea what was so engrossing about this movie. She had seen this movie at least a hundred times, maybe more, and she knew how it went. She had seen it so many times that she was watching it in Korean for the novelty of it. He didn't understand her one bit.
But he would try to. That way he, at least, didn't have to try and understand himself.
"I've been fine. Nothing of note…to you. How has your brother been?" asked Suzuki. He knew how Son was. Angry. He could sense his aura. Angry and violent…and apparently that anger had been taken out on the house at some point. There were holes in the walls and the windows had been taped together and everything but the couch and television were upended.
Perhaps he should have told Fukuda to stay with the children…or someone….someone competent.
"Upset." Said Daughter after a moment. He waited for her to offer some follow up information. She did not. She simply laid there in front of the television and paid him no mind. He had no idea what he was supposed to do. It was not a good sign when women acted like this. He knew firsthand that when a woman acted like this it meant that something was terribly wrong. He just had no idea what that something could have been. She was…she was being so…
She was acting just like her mother.
He could not deal with this right now. He could not deal with her acting like Masami. Not after what he had been through…not that he had been through anything. He had been working hard for years and he took a break. He lost track of time and went back to his old house. Then Fukuda, ever the sensible one, tracked him down and told him that Claw was not doing well under the leadership of a child. So he came back home.
That was what happened.
Nothing in what had happened should have had any parallels to any part of Masami's life…but Daughter was still acting like this. She was being tired and distant…and her aura did seem tired. Sluggish, even. Too much milk, perhaps? There was an empty glass of it next to her and several empty cartons tossed off into a corner…and perhaps at some point he should have had someone teach the children to clean up after themselves…well Masami had taught them but it seems as though they had forgotten…
He wished that he could have forgotten.
"Thank you for attempting to replace me. I never asked you to but you did. That was a good show of…initiative." Said Suzuki. He wasn't happy about all of the changes that she made…and he was even less happy about the fact that everyone had been very happy to follow a ten year old girl just because he had been gone for a few weeks…but it had been a good show of initiative.
So he praised her for it. She liked praise.
"You said that I was in charge." Said Daughter. There was an odd quality to her voice, there, a sleepy sort of quality. He saw it in her aura, too. Maybe she was just tired. Maybe that was it, the simplest explanation, that she was simply tired. It was late. In this time zone it was late. She must have been tired. She was tired and…and watching her favorite movie. That was why she was being so distant…that made sense. That made perfect sense.
"Of the household, not the family." Said Suzuki
"I didn't know that. You just left so fast and then left me in charge and people were scared that you weren't going to come back." Said Daughter
"Of course I was coming back." Said Suzuki
"Sometimes people don't come back." Said Daughter
"Yes, there are some people like that but I am not one of them. I'm your father." Said Suzuki
"Sometimes parents don't come back." Said Daughter. He knew to whom she was referring to. She knew not to refer to her mother. She knew not to mention her mother. She knew that her mother was gone and a traitor and she had left them and therefore they owed her nothing…and they did not miss her. He did not miss her. He…he could not miss her. He was fine. Everything was fine.
"I will always come back." Said Suzuki. He settled on reassuring her that he would always be there. Even though he wanted to punish her. Even though he wanted to drag her by her braids….her hair was down for some reason….and remind her that she could not mention her mother…but then he would have been a hypocrite. He would let it slide this time. That might have been what had gotten her so…like this. She may have been missing her mother…even though she knew not to even think of her mother…
Maybe he should have just left her alone.
But then he would have been alone. He had been alone for the past three weeks. Human contact was a need and he…he had to fulfill it even a bit. Just a bit. He…he needed to be near her. He had so many reasons to hate himself now and needing to be near Daughter was just another reason in a list, a long list, of reasons.
He sat beside her.
"You're sitting next to me." Said Daughter
"I am." Said Suzuki
"Why?" asked Daughter
"Because…because I haven't been near you in a while." Said Suzuki. This was not admitting weakness. He didn't say that me missed her, he didn't say that he needed her, he just said that he hadn't been near her in a while. She could make of that what she would. She would probably take this as a return to their nighttime television watching routine.
"I haven't been near you in a while too." Said Daughter. There was some silence, there, between the two of them. She was engrossed in her movie, that was all, she liked this song. Well she liked all the songs but she especially like this song. The one where the ice queen built her castle. He liked this song, too, the way that she built her castle. The way it was animated. He wondered if Daughter would have wanted him to build her a castle.
Not one made out of ice and snow, obviously, because the whole thing would have been terribly impractical.
He would have built her a castle if she had asked. Even a European style one even though she could have had all the Japanese castles that she wanted. A fortress. A palace. A little of both. She deserved both. She was practically royalty. A princess. She was the Daughter of the future ruler of the world after all. Yes, she was his Daughter.
She was his only Daughter.
He doesn't think, he just acts. He rests his hand upon her leg. She takes this as her crowding him and she sits up. He pauses for a moment. He could have just passed that off as him needing more space. That way she would not have suspected that he needed her. That he was so close to shattering her image of him. She needed him to be strong for her. She could not know how easily her father had gone to pieces over…over a mistake that he had made which would haunt him for the rest of his life but also one which she would never know about because no little girl needed to know that her father had been unfaithful to her mother and possibly even made a…he hadn't. That had not been his daughter. Daughter was his Daughter. Baby was not his daughter. Baby was…Baby was a baby and now she had a mother and she was not his child because his children came from his wife and since his wife had not given birth to Baby therefore Baby was not his.
There. Simple.
"Are you trying to improve your Korean?" asked Suzuki. He felt like he had to say something. This didn't feel right at all. She had always been so talkative…but now she was being so quiet. Even when they watched this movie together she talked through it. She explained the plot and the characters over and over again even though they had seen this movie a thousand times…but now she was strangely silent…and it did not suit her at all.
"Yes." said Daughter. That was all she said. He decided to speak before the silence dragged on for too long. If there was too much silence then he might have been tempted to just leave and leaving would have meant either being on his own, not something that he felt like doing, or interacting with Son…and he was impossible to deal with when he got like this. Very tiresome.
"Why? Your Korean is very good." Said Suzuki
"Minegishi says that I have an accent." Said Daughter
"Everyone has an accent." Said Suzuki dismissively. Yes, she did have an accent when she spoke Korean, but everyone in the whole world had some kind of accent. Who cared how you spoke the language just so long as you were understood?
"Well I don't want one." said Daughter
"Why not? You sound Japanese because you are Japanese. Why are you so averse to being Japanese?" asked Suzuki
"I'm not." Said Daughter
"Sometimes it seems like you are. You hardly consume Japanese media and you always dress like…that." Said Suzuki
"We watch Japanese things when we're together." Said Daughter
"Yes but we haven't been together in a while." Said Suzuki
"I know. You left." Said Daughter. He wondered if that was some sort of accusation. He wondered if she held some resentment towards him for leaving. He wondered a lot of things. He wondered why she had to be the way she was. If she had been a boy she would have just told him what was on her mind. Son certainly never held his tongue even when it was in his best interests. Girl were different. Women were different. They never said what they meant and meant what they said and Daughter was becoming a woman and that aspect of socialization would not escape her….
And he wished, maybe, that she would have just told him what it was that had her behaving this way.
Masami had been very quiet on what, exactly, it had been that she wanted. She said that she wanted him in the house more and then when he spent more time in the house she told him that he wasn't affectionate enough with her even though he reciprocated every bit of affection that she gave him. She refused to tell him when she wanted him to initiate any kind of affection or what types in what quantity…which made no sense…and then she had just left.
He held Daughter a little, just a little, tighter.
Perhaps she had been missing affection. Not the same type as had existed between him and Masami, no, that was not ok for a variety of reasons. Her age and her relation to him being the main ones. Also the fact that it would have been psychologically damaging to her. No, she was his Daughter and not his wife but maybe…maybe it was the same problem?
He pulled her close. She let herself be pulled close.
She felt like deadweight. She was that tired? Or something else? She smelled…godawful. Like she had been smoking…but that made no sense. Children did not smoke. She knew better than to take up such a nasty habit. He had told her what a nasty habit it was…but she smelled like smoke…because she kept company with people who smoked. Yes. That was it.
She also smelled like liquor.
Because she kept company with people who drank. He couldn't exactly tell her who could and could not be in her social circle…well he could because he was her father and he was fully within his power to tell her who she could and could not associate with…but he wouldn't because she was associating with some of the most powerful espers in the organization. That was a good thing.
Even if it left her smelling just godawful.
"I came back. I will always come back to you." Said Suzuki. She needed to know that. She needed to believe that. She needed to know that he would always come back to her.
"Ok." Said Daughter
"And if you want to improve your Korean I could help you with that, too." Said Suzuki
"You have the same accent I do." Said Daughter
"The accent doesn't matter. Grammar, syntax, and vocabulary are what matters. As long as you can make yourself understood then it doesn't matter what you say." Said Suzuki
"It doesn't matter if the person that you're speaking to doesn't understand in the first place." Said Daughter
"I'm…confused." Said Suzuki. She needed to focus more on Japanese and less on Korean. She could not expect to be able to verbally express herself in Korean if she could not even express herself in their mother tongue clearly.
"She only spoke Korean, I think, but then I looked on Google and it said that babies her age didn't even fully understand language. So I don't know if she even understood a word I said. That's why I'm learning Korea, well learning to speak it better. I want her to be able to understand me when we meet again…if we ever meet again." said Daughter. Suzuki pushed her away. Not hard, not enough to hurt her, just enough to put some distance between the two of them so that he didn't hurt her.
"You pushed me." Said Daughter. There was something in her voice…something that made something inside of him hurt…
"I needed space." Said Suzuki. That was it, the truth of it, the whole of it. He needed space from her….but at the same time he wanted to be near to her…and he made no sense to himself…and if he could not understand himself then….then how could he expect her to be able to understand him?
"Why? What did I do wrong? Am I not allowed to talk about her, too? Are you going to tell me that she's a traitor, too, and that I'm not supposed to talk about her? Because she isn't a traitor. Her name is Mukai and she's three months old. She likes to watch The Black Cauldron and she likes to put her arms in empty paper towel holders and…and she always takes off her socks even though her little feet end up getting cold as blocks of ice…" said Daughter. Her voice rose in pitch until it was practically a squeak. Her breathing quickened. To his horror tears began to collect in her eyes.
What?
Thankfully she had not lost control of her powers yet. No, just her emotions…and he had taught her better than that…but he had also set a terrible example for her. The last time she had seen him, the very last time, he had been out the door in a panic over a Baby that was not even his. Now she was acting like this…and of course she was. With a father like him what else could he expect?
"She…you're correct. She isn't a traitor-" said Suzuki. He had no idea what he was supposed to tell her. That he didn't want to mention the Baby because….because of his own irrational feelings? That her father was a very weak man? That she deserved a much better father than what he was capable of being at the moment? That he wanted her to lower her voice and wipe those tears out of her eyes because he couldn't stand the sight of her when she looked like this? That he was currently the biggest hypocrite in the world because he had cried, too, back at their old house as if he was the child and she was the adult.
He had no clue. He was well and truly clueless.
"Then what did I do wrong? Tell me, dad, what I did wrong? Why can't I talk about her? She's…she my…she was mine…and now she's gone. I just woke up one day and went to work like normal and then Fukuda came and…and told me that he was taking her away from me. That morning I had gotten up and ate breakfast and then did work things like normal…and then he came and told me that she was…that she was going to be taken away…and then I packed her things and I watched Fukuda take her away…I just stood there and watch him take her away…" said Daughter. Baby. She was talking about…she was feeling sadness because of…but why? Why had even begun to feel like this? What had made her so distant and sluggish and-and-and-
Baby.
This was about Baby. Why? She should have been happy that she didn't have to care for an infant anymore. She had her freedom back. No worries, no responsibilities, just spending time with her social circle and her younger brother playing games and watching television all day. What more did she even want? And…and why did she even care? Daughter…she was so much like Masami. He could not fault her for taking after her mother. Masami had taken so quickly to Daughter that Suzuki had hardly been able to believe it. He would have thought that it would have taken more time for her to develop an attachment to Daughter but on that very first day Masami had treated Daughter like her own flesh and blood.
He had miscalculated.
He had severely miscalculated.
He had given Daughter…he had told Daughter that Baby was her child…and he had spoken in a way…using the word 'if'…that Baby would be hers permanently…and therefore Daughter had formed a parent to child bond with Baby…but she was so young…right? She wasn't even going through puberty yet…but she had formed that sort of bond with Baby….and then he had let Fukuda rehome Baby…and that was why Daughter was acting so distant….
He had miscalculated.
"Daughter. Stop this. The only thing which you are doing wrong is carrying on like this." said Suzuki. First thing was first, getting Daughter to act normally. He did not like this, he had never liked this, women crying. Daughter acting up. She knew that she could not act up like this. She knew that she could lose control of her powers and-
Not even her hair was floating.
She had made great leaps in her control, it seemed, and that would be praised later. Right now he needed to get all of this under control because it was making him very uncomfortable. Nothing good came from that. He didn't need that. He had been through enough…he had put himself through enough. He had put himself through enough and he did not need her putting him through this, either.
"Are you going to punish me?" asked Daughter
"No. Not this time. This time I…I am the one who miscalculated. I…I gave you Baby to take care of…and you became attached to her…and you….you can have other children. Remember that. Baby is…she is in the care of an adult. You are not an adult and…and that is why you could not keep her…but you will have other children. Children of your own." said Suzuki. She stopped crying, that was good, but she gave him the same perplexed expression that he had been seeing for all of his life. What had he said wrong this time?
So tiresome.
"Dad…are you saying that I should have a baby because I'm sad that Mukai is gone? Because….I'm ten. I don't even have a boyfriend and…and I don't want to have a baby in my stomach…because I'm ten…" said Daughter. He thought of her and some unnamed man…at this point in her life…or at any point…and that was the most unpleasant thing that he anyone had ever conceived.
She was right. She was ten.
"No. Not now. I meant that you can have your own child when you're an adult. You've become attached to Baby and…and that was my miscalculation for giving her to you. I apologize for that." Said Suzuki. He hated apologizing. It tasted bitter on his tongue. He wanted to slam his head into the wall until he made a hole to rival the ones that Son made. Apologies were hard…unpleasant….the worst…and apologizing to his own child…his only child….
This was his fault for miscalculating.
Great. Something else that he had messed up. He could not wait until he got his emotions under control. Right now he hated himself so much…and he hated hating himself…because that was just not conductive to productivity. Which he should have been more focused on. Which he should have cared more about. He had so much to do and he shouldn't have been sitting there trying to puzzle out Daughter's emotions but…but he wanted to be near her…and that was the worst…and he was the worst…and…
"Baby Mukai is with her new mom and she's happy now…and I love her but she's better off with her new mom…and when I grow up I can have a baby and then…then I'll take care of that baby and…and I get it. I understand. Let's watch TV." Said Daughter. There was a slow quality to her speech and she was deadweight against him again. He felt like he understood her a little better now…and now he hated himself just a little more…because he had caused her pain. He had caused her pain and now…now she was like this…like Masami had been…and even now when he knew what was wrong he still looked over to her and saw her mother…because she was so much like her mother….
But not totally like her mother. Daughter, at least, told him what was wrong.
He couldn't stand it when the children were angry with him….but having Daughter acting like this…somehow it was even worse.