Author's Note: Hi again, everyone! I feel like I owe some people an explanation for my recent behavior (i.e, not updating). The reason for this is that I was waiting for my Christmas present, a brand new laptop that I have christened Typie, to be given to me before I started the new chapter. But then I had to wait for it to be juiced with Internet access so I could post. Never again will this happen, I promise you! Thank you all for waiting so patiently.
Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun, InuYasha, or any of the other anime I spoof so shamelessly. If I did, it would be a lot funnier.
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Millions Knives was bored. Napkin folding, water glass squeaking, yawning, toe tapping, tablecloth twisting, out of his skull bored. The United Anime Villains Union Biannual Meeting and Formal Dinner was on its third course out of seven, and he was already ready to say screw it all and crawl away underneath the table.
"Is something troubling you, Master?" Legato Bluesummers asked from the seat next to him. The blue-haired minion had been happy as a slightly psychotic clam since the first appetizers had been sent out, and he showed no signs of being displeased as a waitress placed a dish of hot soup in front of him.
Knives glared. "Only the fact that I'm going to get hemorrhoids if I have to sit here much longer," he growled half-heartedly. It was hard to summon even the energy for a good snarl with tuna tartar in your teeth. "How much longer do we have to endure this torture?"
Legato checked his watch. "At least another hour, Master. Um, if you are not going to be eating your soup, then perhaps I may...?" Knives seized the bowl and slurped it down, strictly out of spite. Legato's face fell. "Shouldn't you be paying more attention to the discussion, Master? You may be asked to speak."
"If that happens, you may be asked to force the person that asked me to remove their own spleen with their salad fork." Knives' eyes narrowed dangerously. "I came to their stupid meeting. What else would they dare expect me to do?" He moodily flicked a packet of crackers off the edge of his plate. Legato was on it like a duck on a June bug, though he was privately wondering why his master had joined the union at all if he hated it so much.
"Millions-san. Perhaps you would care to add to our little chat?" Akito Sohma suddenly asked from the head of the table, breaking Knives forcefully from his thoughts. "We were discussing whether or not to vote on a new union law. It would entail the question of, whenever one of us finally manages to conquer the world, should the other members then be exempt from their rule? Anything to say on the subject?"
The glare the plant sent down the board could be correctly interpreted as "eat shit and die." It caused crystal to splinter, fine china to shatter, and half the dinner attendees, hardened villains all, to look quickly away. Legato got ready to exercise his Scary Power.
Akito sweat-dropped. "Alright, perhaps not."
Knives slumped back into his seat and waved Legato down. He sighed as his minion happily returned to the soup. Legato had been right after all. He hated that. Oh, in the name of all that was unholy, the dinner was boring! Knives concentrated his mental strength and bent his spoon into a fair semblance of a hooded cobra.
The portly gentleman across from Knives apparently saw what he had done and guessed why. "Horridly dull, isn't it?" he sympathized in a slightly German accent.
Knives immediately wanted to set the man on fire just to get rid of the Nazi uniform he was getting sicker of every time he saw it. Then he reconsidered. The man was obviously as bored as he was. The guy looked intelligent enough, as far as spiders went. Maybe he could have a bit of conversation to pass the time. "Yes, I suppose it is. Now, I am going to ask you a question. What is with the uniform?"
The man nodded sagely. "Oh, I knew Herr Hitler. A wonderful man, he was. My name is Major Montana Max, by the by, and this is my bodyguard Captain Hans."
"Millions Knives and Legato Bluesummers." Now firmly interested, Knives reached over the table to shake the man's hand. Legato ignored him and instead finished off a serving of toast points he had somehow mysteriously acquired. "You say you actually knew Hitler?"
"Oh, yes. Old Adolf knew what was what. I think you'd have liked him. What is it you do, Millions?"
"I exterminate humans."
"Jews?"
"All of them." Knives made a vague, all-encompassing gesture. "All humans. Every last one of the spidery little Homo Sapiens crawling on the face of the planet, dead as a doornail. That's my goal." He wondered if the Major really had a German accent or if he was just faking it.
"Oh, well," the Major shrugged, "same basic concept. You'd have liked him. I know he'd have liked you. Tall, blue eyes, blonde – you're not by any chance Aryan, are you?"
"Plant. Sentient. One of two." Knives' eye twitched momentarily as a vision of his twin, drunk, dancing and laughing with that revolting necktie around his head leapt unbidden to his mind. "The intelligent one."
The Major smiled indulgently, completely ignoring his bodyguard and the blue-haired man next to Knives as they began staring evilly at one another once more. "Yes, I can see that you are intelligent, Millions. Now, imagine, if you will, what wonderful effect a bomb of mustard gas would have on this little gathering."
Knives grinned as the man pulled one of the items in question out of his jacket pocket. "Well, my first instinct would be to throw it toward the head of the table, but..."
"...more of them would escape if the bomb was so far from the doors. Exactly what I was thinking."
Knives was happy. He almost felt that he liked this fat little spider. He would make sure to kill him quickly when he finally eradicated the rest of his species. Absurdly pleased with the direction the conversation was headed, Knives was about to introduce the subject of nuclear warfare when something happened. A small chunk of plaster fell into his wineglass. He glanced sharply at the ceiling. Another piece hit him between the eyes. "What the hell was that?"
All around the table, the villainous banquet goers were beginning to look in the relative direction of up. The ceiling was groaning now, small chunks of masonry falling like patchy hail. Legato finally broke evil, glaring eye contact with Captain Hans to check out the tiny particles falling on his gorgeous blue hair. Knives had that distinct and nagging sinking feeling.
Then it happened. The ceiling of the gala ball and formal dining room gave way, and it began to rain reanimated Nazi vampires.
"Holy shit!" The enterprising Homunculus Greed seized a silver turkey platter out from under its occupant and belted one of the first wave of vampires in the head. Envy ducked under the table as Legato jumped high, grabbed the flying turkey, and subsequently kicked in the faces of two more of the living dead. The turkey gravy splattered to the winds, spraying Freeza with the scalding flour and oil mixture. The alien, accordingly, screeched bloody murder.
"Oh, dear." Akito tried to ring his wine glass for order, but busted it by mistake. He sweat-dropped. "My, this is certainly getting... a bit... just a little... out of hand... Well, crap. Uh, every man for himself! Or herself! Let me out of here!" Preferring inflicting deep psychological trauma over actual physical contact to cause misery, Akito seized the tranquilized orange cat by the tail and fled the room.
Not so surprisingly, however, most of the others chose to stay. They were all villains, after all, and nearly all of them liked a good rumble. Knives himself was overjoyed. This was it. What he'd been waiting for almost from the time the con had begun. A chance to introduce the rest of the union to Messrs. Angel Arms one and two. He clenched his fists. A huge smile spread over his face. This was it.
Legato, sensing the warning signs, clutched his turkey tighter and got ready to run. However, before he could make a break for it, his cell went off. All commotion ceased as the theme from Psycho echoed around the suddenly silent room. Vampires and villains alike froze mid-combat. Lord knows why they did this. Knives paused and sent a questioning glance at his minion. Legato held up a hand in apology and picked up. "Hello? Yes, he's here. Just a moment." He turned to Knives. "It's for you, Master."
"Shit." The angel arms would have to wait. "Give it here." He snatched the phone from Legato and impatiently answered. "Speak."
What he heard disturbed him deeply.
"Oh my God, Master! Master! It turned over! It really turned over!"
Knives was startled. "Turned over? What did? Wait, who is this?"
"The trailer, Master!" the voice bawled hysterically. "It flipped! It really flipped! We didn't mean it, Master, honestly, but the roads, they were all wet and –"
"E.G.?" Knives demanded. "E.G., is that you? Where the hell are you?" In truth, he had forgotten all about the rest of his absent Gung-Ho Guns, and as the authoress I bet you did too. I'm right, aren't I?
"It's... it's... I think it may be... oh, God, it's burning, Master! It's on fire! Oh-God-oh-God-oh-God! Wait..." There was a pause. Knives felt ill. "Hoppard and Grey! They're still in there! Oh my God!"
Knives passed a hand over his face. "E.G.," he said in a very calm voice, "I want you to hang up the phone right now and dial 911. Are you listening to me, E.G.?"
"OH MY GOD! Pray, Chapel! Pray NOW! OH MY GOD! AAAAAHHH!"
Slowly and carefully, Knives turned off the cell. Gently folding the phone in half, he passed it back to Legato. "Sorry about that... Wrong number. Carry on." Looking stricken, Legato nevertheless obediently tucked the phone away once more. After another moment of silence, the fight resumed.
Knives, however, had inexplicably lost his desire for battle. He had a headache. "Come on, Legato. We're leaving."
"Oh." Legato hesitated. "May I bring the –"
"Grab your stupid turkey and let's go! I need to lie down."
Together they made their way through the flying food and debris and out of the hall. The last thing Knives saw as they exited the room was Anderson and Alucard plummeting down out of the ruined ceiling, guns and swords blazing, screaming at each other all the while.
"We told ye all!" Anderson screamed. "Didn't we tell them, Alucard!"
"We nothing," the vampire snorted. "This is all your fault, you demented priest!"
"No, it's yer fault, ye un-dead freak! If ye hadn't been here they'd ah listened ta me in the first place!"
Nursing his suddenly aching head along with his mounting hatred of the con, Knives brooded his way through the lobby, past hordes of panicking hotel employees. Legato followed obediently, nibbling his turkey and thinking that the evening had not been a total loss after all. At least he had been fed, for free, and the master had not destroyed anything more important than a soup spoon. Life was good. "So, Master," he casually asked as they hopped the elevator, "who was on the phone really?"
Knives felt the vein in his forehead beginning to throb spastically. "I really do not want to talk about it, Legato."
Very curious now, Legato covertly read his leader's mind. He was momentarily saddened by the demise of his colleagues, but that emotion was short lived as he began to ponder how much better his financial future looked. A salary split between a few less minions meant more money in his wallet, either way. He was happily thinking thoughts of lobster tail and caviar when they arrived back at their rooms. To find the door locked.
Knives moved to search his pockets before remembering that he had left his key card lying on the desk inside the room. He sighed. "Legato, would you hurry up and open the door?" His mouth full of turkey, Legato simply nodded and ransacked his pockets. No card. Legato, sweating slightly, turned to his master.
"Um..."
Knives' eyes narrowed. "Legato, what exactly does 'um' mean?"
Legato swallowed with some difficulty and smiled sheepishly. "It may mean that I have inadvertently forgotten my key somewhere, Master Knives. Would you like me to hurl myself down the stairs as penance?"
"No, I want you to hurl that disgusting turkey away out of my sight and help me figure out how to get into our room, you stupid spider!" Knives aimed a smack at his minion that missed Legato but hit the turkey, sending it skidding off down the hall. "Now follow me. Vash had better be in his room, the little twit..."
Whimpering slightly at the loss of his snack, Legato followed his master the few feet to the next room. "Supposing they aren't in right now, Master?"
"Then we kick the damn door down and to hell with paying damages. Vash!" In that frame of mind, Knives began to pound on his twin's door. "Open up! We need you to let us into our room! Vash! Open the door, you spiky little shit!"
There was no answer. However, from inside the room reasonably loud music could be heard. Knives pressed his ear against the door suspiciously. His face fell. "Oh my God, they're doing karaoke."
Legato blinked. "What?"
"Listen." Knives shoved his minion's head none too gently at the door. Through the wood drifted an inspiring snippet of song, performed by what could only be Wolfwood's obviously drunk but still slightly pleasing voice.
"...Get'cher motor runnin'... head out on the highway... lookin' for adventure... an' whatever comes my way! I like smoke an' lightnin'... heavy metal thunder... racin' with the wind... an' this feelin' that I'm under!"
Legato sweat-dropped. "Well... he's not that bad, is he, Master?"
"That is hardly the point, Legato!" Knives was about to begin a rant, but was suddenly forced to block his ears as Vash took up the song, also obviously drunk but not nearly as good a singer as Wolfwood.
"...take the world in a long embrace... fire all of yer guns at once an' explode into spaaaace! Like a true Nature's chiiild, we were born, born to be wild! Yeah! Party! More booze, Nick! Crank that stereo, aw-right!"
Knives' face was slowly going from red to purple in rapidly escalating irritation.
Wolfwood's worried voice rang out. "Vash, stop! You're too big to jump on the bed! Hey, will you listen to me! You're gonna dump our booze, dammit!"
Knives suddenly lost it. He began to viciously kick the door, screaming at the top of his lungs. "Vash, you will open this door right now or so help me I will break it down and choke the life out of you with my bare hands! Do you hear me!"
No answer. The music was still drowning out even his angry shouts. Knives was tired, sore, had a headache, and wanted to sleep. Hence, he was fast running the gauntlet from peeved to pissed to angered beyond all reason to incoherent with rage. "VASH! OPEN... the FREAKING... DOOR!"
"Boooorn to be wiiii-eeeeee-iiiii-iiiiild!" Vash shrieked from inside the room.
"That's it!" Laughing hysterically, Knives whipped out his gun from an inside pocket of his formal jacket and fired off a quick round into the cheap wood of the door. Vash and Wolfwood's confused screams, Legato's desperate shouts for his master to stop and think of damage costs, and the bullet riddled door finally falling off its hinges into the hallway immediately brought everyone on their floor running out of their rooms to investigate. The smart ones immediately ran back in again. Only the Gung-Ho Guns remained to assist Legato in calming their master.
"Woah! Woah, woah, woah, Master!" Midvalley, who happened to be resting up before taking his nightly stroll down to the bar with his sax, helped Legato subdue the struggling plant. "What happened to the rooms being whole and intact when we leave, huh? You don't want to have to pay any extra, do you?"
"Let me go! Insolent spiders!" Knives was nearly to the point of angel arms once more. "I'm going to kill them both! Mostly Vash -- but I'm still going to kill them both! Don't any of you try to stop me!"
"Deep breaths, master, deep breaths!"
"Waaaah! My hair!" As Knives slowly calmed himself, Vash emerged hesitantly from the room, his blonde spikes split neatly down the middle by a bullet furrow. He sniffled piteously. "Why'd you have to go and do that, Knives? I just got it done all nice and neat at the salon, too!"
"I'll salon you, you miserable little –!"
"Yipe!"
Piece by piece, the story of the night's misadventures was put together by both sides of the party. Shortly after Knives and Legato had entered the banquet, Vash and Wolfwood gone down to the arcade as planned. That soon got boring, and they had switched plans for the evening and covertly followed the women to the spa in order to get an eye full, as it were. Predictably, they were caught. By Lust. However, far from being offended by their behavior, the busty Homunculus was rather amused, and invited the two into their feminine domain for some drinks. Vash had shortly after secured her number, after both he and Wolfwood swore a solemn oath that they were not, in fact, dating. To celebrate the event, the men had retired to their room for some celebratory tunes. Hence, they had been far too smashed to hear Knives' calls.
"I should kill you both. Messily," Knives growled as Dominique finally entered Vash's room and opened the connecting door to Knives' suite. He pushed malignantly past them all into his own room, shooting the transgressors an evil glare.
Vash immediately pointed at his friend. "It was all Nick's fault!"
"Wha? My fault? That is not true!" Wolfwood was properly incensed.
"You're the one who turned the music up so loud!"
"Well, pardon me! I distinctly remember someone yelling at me to 'Crank it, crank it!'"
"Yeah? Well you'd never have listened to me any other time! You never listen to me! You're a bad friend, Nick!"
Nicholas gasped. "I am not! You're just a bad drunk!"
"SILENCE!"
Everyone quailed as Knives slammed the door. Intense stomping could be heard inside, presumably as the plant readied for bed. After a moment, the thin stream of light from under the door went out. Without speaking a word, the Gung-Ho Guns dispersed to their own beds. They had a pretty good idea what would happen to the first person to disturb the master's sleep.
"I think you'd better stay with us tonight, Legato," Vash whispered nervously, trying to prop his busted door back into its frame in a way that would make the least possible amount of noise. "No telling what he might do if you go in there now."
Legato glanced around uneasily. "Yes, I think you might be right. I'll need to borrow some pajamas..."
"Sure, no problem." Wolfwood, feeling amiable due to the alcohol and an evening spent with scantily clad women in damp towels and not much else, volunteered his spare pair. "Anything for a fellow killer in need, huh?"
"Thank you, Chapel." Touched, and hoping that the master would be in a better temper come the morning, the psychic followed Vash and Wolfwood into their room. "Oh, by the way... You two wouldn't happen to have anything to eat, would you?"
So all was quiet on the upstairs front. However, downstairs next to the water fountains and soda machines...
O.O.O.O.O
"...and that's all," Naraku giggled maniacally as he stirred his tea inside the feudal era villains' booth. "It's so simple. I don't know why I didn't think of it before! This is sure to be the end of Millions Knives as we know him! It will completely ruin, break, and destroy him utterly! It's genius!"
Against all odds, Sessho-maru looked exasperated. "Naraku, I finally feel the need to comment on something."
Naraku smiled slightly, expecting praise and a confession that he was truly the superior demon from Sessho-maru. "Yes? Go on."
The dog-demon looked his on-again off-again ally right in the eye. "Isn't there any other, more original, way for you to get your jollies? You seem like quite the powerful demon, in your own way. Couldn't you, just once, use a show of brute force instead of something devious, underhanded, and dripping with hurtful betrayal?"
Naraku blinked, startled, before coming back to himself and clucking in disapproval. "Tut, tut, my dear doggie. It seems that you still do not quite appreciate the subtle appeal of my tactic. Let me explain. By manipulating the people in the world around me without revealing myself or my true purpose, I am, in effect, turning my environment into one colossal snow globe. Whenever I want a giggle I simply pick it up and give it a shake."
Sessho-maru blinked slowly as the unnatural hanyou continued to ramble, growing more conceited as he spoke.
"Take, for example, the demon slayer Kohaku. His sister is forever in a state of nervous unease, wondering what I may compel her precious little brother to do next. It's the perfect torture, Sessho-maru. I hurt people through the ones they love the most. Now do you understand?"
Slowly, Sessho-maru nodded. "Yes, I do believe that I understand now."
Naraku smiled smugly.
"I understand that you are a sad, sorry excuse for a living demon that has never had a real life, does not presently have a life, and shows no signs of having a real life any time in the near future, and you have secured my pity."
Naraku was speechless.
Rin giggled as Sessho-maru swept her up and prepared to depart the booth for the night. "So Naraku's a loony, my lord?"
"That's right, Rin. Time for bed now. Have you brushed your teeth?"
"And washed my face, too!"
"Good girl. Until tomorrow, then, Naraku." Feeling he had made his point, Sessho-maru carried his adopted child out of the booth and away to bed. He couldn't help but wonder if Naraku had even a mere moiety of his marbles left, to even consider doing what he was considering doing now. Oh, well. It wasn't his business if Millions flattened the other demon like a steamroller. If Naraku was foolish enough to threaten the life of Vash the Stampede, then he deserved whatever he got. Patting the already dozing Rin's hair, Sessho-maru ascended the stairs with a clear conscience.
O.O.O.O.O
To Be Continued
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(2nd) Author's Note: Whew! Done in record time, everyone! And, muses and higher powers working together on this one, we will never have a delay that long again. Rest assured, the story isn't quite done yet! Tune in soon for the next epic installment! 'Til then, everybody.