Author's Note: Yee-haw! Update time once again! I'm so glad you enjoyed the last chapter. I was beginning to worry that I had lost my touch for the story, but your wonderful reviews allied my fears. Seriously, I get all misty-eyed when I read them. It keeps an author goin', you know? Without any further ado, may Typie and I present, chapter six!
Disclaimer: I own no one. Sad for me, but undoubtedly beneficial to the health of the characters. My happy-happy love-love waves would probably cause them psychological damage beyond the range of human comprehension.
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The third and final day of the So, You're So Evil You Could Swap Notes With Satan? Villains Convention dawned peacefully. Down the myriad hallways of the hotel, various villains and villainesses were beginning to stir, lured out of bed by the promise of strong coffee and the stronger promise of getting their last day of the con over with. However, that was the last thing on one plant's mind as he traversed the hallways of the hotel that early morn.
To Vash the Stampede, morning meant one thing. Donuts. He was humming happily as he took the elevator down to the lobby. This morning, he was expecting a special treat. Being in a hotel, he was assured of something even better than ordinary donuts; warm, fresh, free donuts from the breakfast buffet.
Vash entered the dining room, once more miraculously repaired and cleaned from the zombie vampire episode of the night before, with a spring in his step. Happily, he noted that he was the first one down to breakfast. That being the case, he was also to have first pick of the donuts.
Grinning hugely, he hurried over to the table and peered down into the donut basket. Empty!
Vash gasped in horror, lifting the decorative basket to peer under it. How could it be empty? This was horrible! This was unthinkable! Just when the Stampede was about to have a genuine panic attack, he noticed something unusual.
A large, hand lettered sign had been posted on the wall over the buffet table. "DONUTS THIS WAY," it read, with a large red arrow pointing off down the nearest hallway. On the floor, a tantalizing trail of donuts of all shapes, sizes, flavors and fillings seemed to beckon him on. The whole setup reeked of a trap.
Without a second thought, Vash took the bait. Taking up the empty basket he followed the trail, scooping up every pastry he passed and placing it lovingly inside for later consumption. Without a care he followed the donuts' path through the hotel, making his way unerringly toward the water fountains and soda machines. Bent nearly double picking up donuts, he didn't notice the flicker of a demonic force field as he passed through. His last thought before Kohaku drilled him with the mallet was where he could find some milk. And Vash the Stampede was down for the count.
O.O.O.O.O
Upstairs, Knives was sleeping peacefully. He was dreaming that he had gone onto Dominique's favorite spider-television program, "American Idol," and assassinated each one of the spider-judges. Taking the judges' place, he proceeded to kill every spider-contestant that did not make the cut. A wide smile on his sleeping face, Knives enjoyed his dream. Until a loud shriek from the room next door woke him from his happy place.
A bit annoyed but willing to at least go investigate the noise before he angel armed the entire connecting wall, the plant reluctantly got out of bed. He carefully tucked his plushie butterfly, Mr. Flutters, back into his overnight bag and ran a hand through his short but messy hair. Pulling on his robe over his bumblebee patterned underpants, he shoved his way into Vash and Wolfwood's room. The usual morning chaos he could unfailingly expect from the Gung-Ho Guns met him.
Wolfwood was seated at the room's desk with a cup of black coffee and the morning newspaper, which appeared to detail the zombie vampire invasion of the night before and the subsequent arrests of two delusional and highly suspicious characters. Dominique and Rai Dei were eating toast and Lucky Charms at the small table, watching early-morning cartoons. Midvalley was stretched out on the sofa clutching his sax, probably still trying to recover from another all-nighter at the hotel bar and casino. And Legato, merciless killer and vice-leader of the Gung-Ho Guns, was standing in the middle of the room in his skull pajamas. He had Zazie by the ankles and was holding him up under the swiftly rotating ceiling fan. This was where the shrieking was coming from.
Legato gave the captive boy a jerk and a hard shove upwards. "Don't you ever do that again! You evil little sand worm, I should just finally kill you and never have to put up with your malicious stupidity ever, ever again!" Zazie screamed incoherently as the fan gave him several quick slaps in the head.
Knives was not amused. "This had better be very good, Bluesummers, or you will rue the moment you and that spider-brat woke me up early." He chose to blatantly ignore the terrific spectacle of abuse that would have undoubtedly called down not only the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, but, in Zazie's case, PETA as well.
Once again Legato shoved the Beast into the fan. None of the other outlaws made a move to help. "It was him, Master!" Legato accused. "He let the vampire zombies into the hotel last night! He and his little band of villain children wannabe's just opened the door and let the entire swarm of them inside!"
"And we showed them the ventilation system, too," Zazie smirked smugly. It was the wrong thing to say. The fan clipped him six more times straight on the nose as Legato hoisted him higher once again. "Oww! Oww oww OWW! Knock it off, jerkwad!"
"I was not done eating, Zazie," Legato gritted, trying to remain calm. "I was not even close to being full. Your little un-dead Nazi friends ruined the dinner before I was finished with it. Now, I want you to tell me how you think that makes me feel."
Zazie took a breath and opened his mouth to answer, but it was promptly filled with a high-velocity fan blade. Knives sighed, then yawned, then turned to pursue the coffee. "Fine. Whatever, Legato." Grabbing a cup of coffee, he dropped down in the chair next to Wolfwood. "Chapel, have you seen my brother this morning?"
Wolfwood nodded, still flipping through his paper. "Yeah, he skipped out of here half an hour ago saying his donut senses were tingling. I guess he went to the breakfast bar." A second later the priest's eyes narrowed and he put down his paper. "I asked him to bring me some bagels. Bet he forgot. The broom-head."
Knives could feel a migraine coming on. He slowly rubbed his temples, which were already beginning to pound, as Zazie let out another salvo of screams and obscenities. "Legato, get him down from there before he gets brain damaged any worse than he is already." The plant gingerly picked up a burnt pop-tart that had been left on the table, then discarded it with a shudder. He'd have to visit the breakfast bar himself. Only a few hours left, Millions, he reminded himself. Only a few hours left and you can go home and be free for twelve whole months. Last day. Let's make the last day as painless for you and as painful for everyone you don't like as possible.
Thus encouraged by his own pep talk, Knives stood, stretched, and proceeded back to his room to change for the Villains' Convention Awards Ceremony and Luncheon. He was still in charge here. Master of his domain. As long as he remembered that, what could possibly go wrong?
O.O.O.O.O
"Naraku, you did it!" Kagura squealed disbelievingly. "You did it! You caught Vash the Stampede all by yourself!"
"And it was a freaking nightmare!" The demon in question picked moodily at one of the donuts that had gone flying when Vash was ambushed. "Can you imagine it! I, Naraku, forced to dress up as a lowly servant and deliver pastries from the kitchen to the dining room just so I could set up the sign and lay the donut trail! It was degrading!"
"Yes, but it worked!" Kagura clapped ecstatically. "And you did it all on your own, without anyone's help! Doesn't that make you feel proud of yourself?"
Naraku considered. Yes, now that he cared to stop complaining and think about it, he did feel rather proud. For perhaps the first time ever, he had gone out and physically done something other than stand in the shadows and smooth talk other people into doing his dirty work. It felt good. Though, the fact that Kohaku had done the risky bit was left unnoticed.
The half-demon was beginning to gloat when Sessho-maru, Jaken, and Rin walked through the barrier.
The dog demon took one look at the unconscious Stampede locked in the oversized cage, wrapped in duct tape from shoulders to knees like a giant blonde sashimi roll, and began to laugh. Jaken looked shocked. Rin was delighted. "Naraku, I have to give you your due; you are without question the most arrogant, insolent, foolish person I have ever met! You actually had the gall to do it!"
Naraku looked annoyed. "And you thought I wouldn't go through with it?"
"I thought you might actually consider the consequences of your scheme and come to your senses, but in retrospect I suppose that would really be rather unlikely." Sessho-maru was desperately trying to stop giggling. It wasn't working. "I am almost tempted to hover near and see what happens when Millions appears to collect his twin."
Naraku was unamused. "I think that you, my dearest Fluffy-chan, are merely jealous of the fact that I took down a dangerous creature such as Vash the Stampede alone, and by doing so have ensured my victory over his sibling. Hey, you! Get away from there!"
Completely ignoring Naraku, Rin continued to pat Vash's head through the bars of the cage. She giggled. "He's all spiky, my lord!"
Sessho-maru quickly suppressed a smile. "Leave him alone, Rin. You shouldn't go near him. Now that I think about it, don't go over there at all." He paused, considering. "Now that I think again about it, I believe that we should leave this area entirely. Come along."
"What's that, milord?" Jaken was dumbstruck. "You're actually going to follow that half-breed filth's orders? He can't treat you this way! Get him, milord! Show him who's more powerful! More regal! More... fluffy!" By this time the small green demon was bouncing in his enthusiasm, whacking left, right and center with his hideous human-headed stick. Kagura and Kohaku stepped back a few paces, slightly scared by the aggressive little display.
Sessho-maru sighed, taking Rin by the hand. "Jaken, I would sometimes swear that if you had even the faintest inkling of how annoying you are, you would kill yourself with a food processor." The lesser demon stopped short, mouth gapping, then followed his lord meekly through the barrier. Naraku waved smugly as they departed. He didn't want them around anyway, when Knives came to grovel and plead for the safety of his only brother. The honor of seeing that pitiful spectacle was to be his, and his alone. The evil hanyou stretched luxuriously and took another bite of donut. Life was good.
O.O.O.O.O
Outside the barrier, Sessho-maru collected a bottled water from one of the drink machines, watching Rin and Jaken disappear through the crowd toward the dining room, in search of breakfast. He frowned. He would have sent the human boy, Kohaku, out to watch her once more, but now it had become too risky. The boy was easily linked to Naraku, and that was now a very dangerous thing to be. For, no matter what the other demon's fond fancies conjured up, Sessho-maru couldn't help thinking that Millions' reaction to his twin's abduction would be somewhat different. Knives would not be worried and frightened. He would be pissed off.
Sessho-maru took a sip of the spring water, thinking back to the scene in Jurassic Park where the Tyrannosaurus rex had come to collect its kidnapped baby, eaten a few people, and thrown a large trailer off a cliff. Millions, like the Tyrannosaurus, was extremely possessive. And, though he hid it well, he loved and treasured his precious little brother underneath all the death threats and physical abuse. And the Tyrannosaurus did not have the major destructive advantage of angel arms and a previous, hefty grudge with the kidnappers.
Well. That decided that. For Rin's sake, if nothing else, it was time he left the premises. Tossing away the empty bottle, Sessho-maru disappeared swiftly and silently into the crowd, moving steadily away from the feudal era villains' booth.
Things were about to get interesting.
O.O.O.O.O
"Chapel, has my brother returned yet?" Knives called from the small hotel bathroom. "I still can't get this ridiculous tie right!"
Wolfwood's voice answered through the open connecting door. "No, he's still not back. Boss, why is it that we can wear whatever we want to the lunch, but we have to wear a tie with it? What's the point there? Like, take Rai Dei for example. Samurai robes and a tie do not go together! It's unnatural, for God's sake!"
Knives grimaced into the mirror. The priest was right, of course, but that didn't mean that they didn't have to wear the ties anyway. "Forget about it, Chapel. It'll be over soon enough. Besides, everyone else will look just as stupid as you do."
"Hey, yeah, that's true." Wolfwood sounded happier.
Finally ripping off his rumpled tie in frustration, Knives stalked into the other room. It appeared that he was going to have to go out and locate his twin after all. He was probably stalking that Lust woman again. Knives would have taken care of her long ago, but he wasn't quite sure whether she qualified as a spider or not, since she was obviously not human. "Time to go, Legato."
"Coming, Master." Legato came in dragging Zazie, bound and muzzled, behind him. The child was foaming at the mouth. Whether the foaming was from the fan beating or another bout of eating Alka-seltzer tablets, however, no one could determine.
Knives glanced at his minion. There was something unusual about him. "Legato, did you change your coat?"
The blue-haired man looked upset at the subject. "It's the shoulder pad, Master. This little savage bit a hole in it and it deflated. Now the blunt ends of the spikes are rubbing my shoulder raw and I am exercising all my willpower not to drown the child in the pool." Zazie giggled maniacally, despite being tied up and in close proximity to the wronged psychic.
The plant shook his head. "Where is Dominique?"
"She went to collect the Blade and Hornfreak, Master."
"Let's go meet them, then, and get down to this stupid 'luncheon.' Complain and you die! Anyway, two hours after this meal is over we will be on the road and speeding home." Knives tried to keep that thought firmly fixed in his mind as they made their way down the hall to the room Midvalley and Rai Dei shared, Wolfwood following behind in a snazzy clip-on tie covered in tiny crosses.
O.O.O.O.O
Dominique was having problems. As it turned out, sax players and samurai did not make the best roommates. The two Gung-Ho Guns had drawn a line down the center of the hotel room they had been forced to share, and each was loudly goading the other to step across it.
"It seems that I have acquired the miniature refrigerator on my side of the room, Hornfreak. Let's see how long your glutinous stomach will allow you to remain on your own side without food!" Rai Dei snarled.
"Yeah?" Midvalley countered. "Well I got the bathroom on my side! How 'bout we see how long it takes for you to piss yourself!" He lifted his saxophone as Rai Dei grimly drew his katana. Out in the hall, Dominique heaved a sigh. This convention was beginning to make her seriously consider finding another line of work.
In reality it was a bad situation. Rai Dei already had to use the bathroom, though he would never admit it. As for Midvalley, he had half of a French silk pie stashed away in the mini fridge, and he was internally terrified that the Blade would find it and eat it before he could get it back. Luckily for the both of them, however, Knives stepped in and settled the argument.
"You will both stop this foolish bickering and get out here RIGHT NOW, or so help me Wolfwood's God you will be wearing your own entrails to lunch!"
Both combatants shot out of the room and stood cowering behind Legato.
Knives allowed a small, self-satisfied smile. "That's better. I want that room spotless before we check out or you two will be sitting next to each other on the ride home. The entire ride home. With no snacks."
"Yes, Master," they mumbled miserably, each plotting the gruesome demise of the other immediately upon returning to base.
They descended to the lobby where the villains were to gather for the awards ceremony, Knives scanning everywhere for his twin. Vash was not to be found. He was not in the arcade, he wasn't at the pool, and he wasn't hanging around by the women's spa. Seven different bathrooms were searched before Knives began to get a bit concerned. "Chapel, you don't suppose he's locked himself in another closet, do you?"
"I don't know," Wolfwood mused. "I guess it's always a possibility. Then again, he may be above our heads right now crawling around in the paneling, but I have no idea why he'd be doing that now."
In the paneling? Knives was sure he didn't want to know.
"Attention please, your attention please," the loudspeaker announced. "Please take your seats. The awards Ceremony will begin momentarily. Thank you."
Knives sighed, scanning the crowd. Still nos ign of blonde or white spikes. "Never mind right now, Chapel. He doesn't have to be here for the awards, anyhow. We can track him down before the lunch starts. Everyone just find a seat. This shouldn't take long."
As the Gung-Ho Guns filed into a line of seats, Midvalley and Rai Dei already beginning to covertly pick at each other, Knives realized something. He was acting less the part of a brutal leader than that of an exasperated parent. He was so exhausted that he was losing his malice! I have to get out of here! he moaned to himself. I'm going soft! This damnable convention is ruining me! Dropping into the seat beside Legato, who was already drooling in anticipation of the luncheon, Knives determined that he would be absolutely ruthless for the rest of the day.
"Alright, everyone, can you hear me out there?" Envy had been selected to take the stage and present the awards. "Now it's time for the event you've all been waiting for, the Villains' Con Awards Ceremony!"
The crowd roared its approval.
"As you all know," Envy continued, reading off his announcers sheet, "there are twenty five awards, each to be given to the villain or group of villains that best show the desired trait. Let's begin!"
The pint-sized Homunculus Wrath came out onto the makeshift stage holding a plaque. Envy gave him the mike. "First prize for Most Beautiful Villain," Wrath announced, "is Lust, of FullMetal Alchemist! Give the lovely lady a round of applause, everybody!"
"Way to go, girlfriend!" Dominique and Kagura cheered as Lust sauntered up to accept her plaque amid the deafening clapping and catcalls from the crowd. Knives perked up, thinking that Vash must surely show up to do something stupid right about now. But he did not.
Knives frowned. This is very strange. Where could he be?
"Next award," Envy continued, "is Villain with the Best Parenting Skills." He opened the envelope and read off the name. "Sessho-maru-sama!"
The crowd went wild as a delighted Rin pushed and pulled her lord up onto the stage. The dog demon was bright red and looked ready to murder... at least until Rin snatched the plaque from Wrath and presented it to Sessho-maru herself, with an adoring smile. Blushing harder than ever, but looking considerably less likely to kill, the Great Lord of the Western Lands gathered up both child and award and returned to his seat.
Wrath held up the next plaques. "Both the third and fourth awards," Envy announced, "go to the same group of dedicated bad guys. The awards for Most Tenacious and Most Amusing go to Team Rocket!"
There was mass laughter as the Meowth dodged through the crowd to accept the plaques, vainly attempting to avoid all the girls and children who wanted to pet it as it ran by.
"The award for Most Conniving goes to... the demon Naraku!"
Knives scowled as Naraku smugly accepted his plaque, thanking "all the little people" he had destroyed to get where he was today. Knives glared. This was all one colossal joke. He suddenly and viciously felt the need to be... evil. "Legato. Give me your cell phone."
Puzzled, the psychic nonetheless handed his master the cell. He watched with interest as Knives began to dial, wondering what wonderfully naughty turn of events Knives was about to set into motion. He somewhat hoped it would not interfere with the lunch, whatever it was.
For the next fifteen minutes, Knives made calls. He talked through the presentation of the Most Sadistic award to the Dragons of Heaven, of X/1999. He talked through the award for Most Destructive, given to the villains of Dragon Ball Z for the wanton ruin they caused during every battle. And he was still talking after the presentation of the Most Hurtful to Akito Sohma of Furuba, Most Devious to all the evil ninja of Naruto, and Most Suave to Treize Kushrenada and Zechs Marquise of Gundam Wing.
"Next, the Award for Most Eccentric Villains!" Envy called. "This award goes to... the Gung-Ho Guns and their leader, Millions Knives-sama!"
Knives grudgingly took a break from the phone to ascend the stage with Legato and accept the plaque. He took the opportunity to look for Vash once more. No sign of him. Despite himself, Knives was a little hurt. He had won a prestigious award, and his own twin was not there to cheer him. Knives' bad mood darkened. Immediately upon return to their seats, he took up the cell once more and resumed his calls.
More awards were duly given out, but Knives didn't hear them. Lady Piocola and the Black Gema Gema Gang of Di Gi Charat secured the prize for Cutest Villains. Best Dressed and Best Use of Evil Pets went to Vicious of Cowboy Bebop. Most Devious was won by Dr. Muraki Kazutaka of Descendants of Darkness. Largest Group of Villains went to the Nazi vampires. Most Annoying Evil Laugh went to Buggy the Clown of One Piece. Most Annoying Villains Period went to the young alien boy Kish and his two friends, Pie and Tart, from Tokyo Mew Mew. Shishio of Rurouni Kenshin earned himself Most Psychotic. Darcia of Wolf's Rain took home Cruelest to Animals. Most Creative Evil Schemes went to Beck "Gold" of the Big O. Best Hair was taken by Lady Beryl of Sailor Moon. And Most Likely to Snap in the Near Future went to Little Slugger of Paranoia Agent, who immediately snapped and began to beat people with his golden bat.
"And finally," Envy finally announced as Knives ended his last call with a smug smile on his face, "the final award! Most Likely to Take Over the World goes to..." The entire assembly held its breath, waiting. "The government! Hey... what?" Envy quickly reread the announcement. "The VGN – the Villain Governmental Network. That's what it says. Oh, well. Pitch the plaque, Wrath."
The tiny Homunculus did so without further ado. The assembly sat silently for a moment, stunned, before realizing that there was always next year and began to look forward to the eminent lunch buffet. Everyone stood up and made ready to enter the dining room.
"One moment, if I may."
Knives' head jerked up as Naraku's voice filled the hotel lobby. That sorry S.O.B. just didn't know when to quit. He turned to scream at the demon to get the hell off the stage, but stopped with his mouth hanging open in shock.
There, from a mysteriously new and gaping hole in the ceiling directly over the spot where Naraku was standing, hung a large metal cage. And inside that cage, lying bound and gagged with duct tape, was Vash the Stampede, looking miserable and whimpering like a lost puppy.
"Millions, I believe this belongs to you?" Naraku was in his element, a sadistically smug smile stretching from ear to ear.
Staring upwards across the lobby and through the bars of the cage, Knives' eyes met his twin's own wide, tearful ones. An unreadable expression flashed across his face. Legato blanched. "Oh, shit!"
"Why?" Dominique was looking around frantically. "What is it? What's going on, Legato?"
Slowly backing away from his master, the psychic began to sweat. "I can't quite be sure, Dominique," he gulped, "but I believe it might be go time."
And, as usual, Legato was not far wrong.
O.O.O.O.O
To Be Concluded
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(2nd) Author's Note: Yay! It's ready! Thanks to Jay-chan and Chas-chan for helping me out with villain awards and picking who should receive them. I luv dem! (purrrrr) Tune in next time for the epic conclusion of the Villain's Con! See you then, everybody!