Author's Note: Lucky chapter sevens, everyone! Ahem. This final chapter is dedicated to all of my wonderful readers and reviewers who have stuck with me all this time. Your encouragement is what enabled me to finish this story, and make each episode as funny and well written as I could. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. (kitty smile) And now, on with chapter seven!
Disclaimer: As you know, I own no one. That means they're all still safe...
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Vash whimpered pitifully. He was confused, disoriented, and had a headache. From his vantage point, high in the cage hanging over the lobby, he could see his twin looking up at him. The younger plant did his best sad puppy look over the heavy swathes of duct tape covering the lower half of his face. He then proceeded to do something he had not willingly done in years. He opened a mental connection with his brother. /Knives? Could you, uh, maybe get me down? You know I, uh, don't really like heights all that much... the tape's starting to cut off my circulation... Help? Please./
Knives' eye began to twitch. Vash could see Legato backing away from his twin as if in a panic. /Sure, Vash. Hang on a second. This shouldn't take long.//And the older sibling turned to Naraku.
"HOW DARE YOU?" Knives bellowed, the fires of hell in his eyes, pointing an accusing finger at the surprised hanyou who was still posing on the makeshift stage. Without waiting for an answer he whipped out his gun from seemingly nowhere, a trick he had picked up watching Wolfwood with his portable confessional, and began to fire at Naraku.
"Wait!" Naraku dove out of the way, hiding behind the podium Envy had been standing at. The Homunculus was nowhere to be seen. "Millions, stop! Hit me and your brother will be doomed, I swear it!" This wasn't working out exactly like he had planned...
"Naraku, if you do not get my brother down off that ceiling in two seconds you're going to find yourself in the morgue with a little tag on your big toe! I'm not messing around with you today, dammit!" Knives used the last of his ammunition to fill the wooden podium full of hot lead. Vash may have been a loud, aggravating, spiky annoyance, but he was Knives' loud, aggravating, spiky annoyance, and no one was going to hurt him and hobble away alive.
Beginning to be the slightest bit concerned, Naraku scrambled off the stage. Knives did seem to have a lot of ammo on him this morning. Besides that the plant-like freak was not playing into his trap at all. Millions was supposed to beg for mercy, damn it, not go ballistic and shoot up the lobby! "Kagura!" he commanded, "stop this insolent shrub! Kagura?"
"That could prove... to be a bit of a problem... Master," the Wind Witch managed to gasp out over the foot that was firmly planted on her stomach, pinning her and her giant feather to the floor in front of the main hotel entrance.
Knives smiled a small, evil smile. "Ah. Right on time."
Naraku stared. He blanched. He began to shake in anger. He began to sneeze, as his inexplicable half-demon allergy kicked in. There in the giant doorway that led to the parking lot, surrounded by heroes of various makes and models that looked heavily armed and raring to go, stood the evil hanyou's arch nemesis.
InuYasha held up a cell phone with a cocky grin. "You rang?" he quipped. Villains all around the lobby rapidly got over their shock and braced, preparing for the fight that was invariably to come. And come it did. With a roar both heroes and villains sprang forward, intent on making today the day that they vanquished the other side once and for all.
Naraku was seething with barely-concealed anger. He turned to glare at Knives, possibly the only stationary figure in the swirling mass of fighters. "You."
Knives felt his insane, diabolical grin stretching across his face. "Well, what did you think I was doing? Calling out for pizza?" He shook his blonde head, grin growing impossibly wider. "Silly demon. Tricks are for plants!"
With a roar of rage Naraku morphed into his giant spider form, and Knives leapt forward to meet the assault, cramming more bullets into his custom colt. Here was one bug that needed to be squashed, and Knives was more than willing to play the Orkin Man.
Screaming like a little girl, Dominique dove on Legato. It was anybody's guess how she managed to do that without skewering something on his shoulder spikes, but she did it. "Dominique, get off!" the psychic yelled, flailing his arms as he tried in vain to pry the terrified Cyclops off his face. "I must assist the Master!"
"Spider!" she screamed hysterically, clinging to Legato like glue. "I hate spiders!"
After much effort, Legato finally managed to pull her off. In the swirling chaos that was the hotel lobby, he saw that Knives had run out of ammo and, laughing madly, had deployed his angel arms to better deal with Naraku's challenge. "I think we have a bigger problem than the spider, Dominique."
The blue-haired man turned and ran, holding onto Dominique as best he could and grabbing Zazie by the collar of his poncho as the little Beast ran by. It was time to get the hell out of Dodge.
Midvalley and Rai Dei were already heading for the door, having surprisingly had the foresight to go back to their rooms and grab the luggage. Rai Dei in particular was weighted down with all the samurai manga he had purchased while at the con, and had his Kenshin plushie hanging from his teeth by the back of its little plushie robes.
Wolfwood waded calmly through the confusion smoking another cigarette, the second to last one of his pack. He had his and Vash's duffle bags slung over one shoulder and a plastic sack full of souvenirs in hand. Satisfied with life in general, he was ready to head home.
"Mister Priest!"
"Huh?" Wolfwood stopped in his tracks. A look of abject terror on his slightly stubbly face, he turned to face the mysterious call.
"Hold it right there, you traitor!" Meryl Strife screamed, barreling toward the priest with derringers blazing. "Benedict Arnold! You're horrible! We trusted you, and look what you let these monsters do to Vash! You will pay!"
Milly Thompson was right behind her diminutive partner, and didn't look too happy, either. "Mister Priest, what have you done to Mister Vash? Why is he in a cage? Why is he hanging from the ceiling? You didn't really do that to him, did you? Answer me, Mister Priest!"
Wolfwood panicked and began to run, bags swinging all around him. "I didn't do anything to him! It was all the giant spider's idea! Leave me alone!" Dimly he realized that the parking lot might be the best place to be, as that was where their getaway vehicle was still parked. So that was where he made for. Cutting through the lobby to lose the irate insurance girls, he made a bee-line for the van.
In moments he had joined Legato, Dominique, and Zazie at the van, helping the Blade and the Hornfreak haphazardly toss their luggage into the back of the vehicle. When that was done, in record time, the Gung-Ho Guns turned to more pressing matters: standing by, watching and waiting, as masses of screaming con attendees flooded out the open doors of the hotel. Heroes, villains, hotel employees, and hapless civilians alike ran screaming for their very lives.
Suddenly there was a mighty explosion from within, followed by the enraged shrieks of a gigantic demon spider as the support beams collapsed and the ceiling fell in. A great beam of light, twisting over on itself like a double helix and presumably stemming from Knives' angel arms, shot out of the ruins of the roof and into the sky.
"Hey!" Wolfwood pointed up at it amiably. "There goes Team Rocket."
Glancing up as the howling trio disappeared with their trademark ping of light, Legato chewed a fingernail absently. "Chapel, I might be wrong, but... shouldn't you be just a bit worried about your friend Vash the Stampede? I mean, he is still inside there, you know... locked in a cage...?"
Wolfwood blinked. "Oh... oh, yeah... oh, damn. Well, he's gonna die." And the priest lit his last cigarette in memoriam for the dearly presumed departed. Midvalley sadly lifted his sax and began to play taps.
Then a miracle occurred.
From out of the doorway of the hotel, surrounded by billowing dust and swirling flames, stepped Millions Knives. Out cold once more, Vash was slung over his twin's shoulder like a sack of potatoes as Knives strode across the parking lot.
Tossing Vash into the back of the van on top of the luggage, Knives turned to the waiting Gung-Ho Guns. "Load up. We're going home."
Everyone piled into the van willingly. Wolfwood turned to take one last look at the con. Naraku, changed back from spider-mode, was thrashing around in front of the flaming remains of the hotel with a growling, snarling InuYasha clinging to his back and chewing tenaciously on his ear. That had to hurt.
Seeing the priest, Lust paused in her own personal battle and called out to him. "Tell Vash to call me!" she yelled, then turned to let lose with her nail knives and attack the Elric brothers once more. The priest saluted with his cigarette hand and ducked into the van.
A second, larger explosion blasted out of the remnants of the hotel. The red van screeched out of the parking lot, the black con banner falling in a waving ebony ribbon behind them. As they sped away, Midvalley's sax could faintly be heard, playing, in slightly melancholy refrain, the end theme from Jurassic Park.
O.O.O.O.O
Knives drove. He stopped for nothing. Not stop signs, not stop lights, not the four traffic cops who tried in vain to catch up to and pull him over on the highway. Three and a half hours passed away like this, the Gung-Ho Guns remaining mostly quiet and subdued.
Legato, having reclaimed the front seat, was more than satisfied to gaze adoringly at his new prized possession; the snapshot Dominique had taken of himself and Master Knives standing on the stage, accepting the Most Eccentric award together. Little hearts fluttered around his head in the breeze from the air conditioning. This puppy was going on the fridge, and after that into the Master Knives scrapbook.
Midvalley and Rai Dei were still at each other, but quietly. A stuck out tongue and a covert middle finger flip were all they dared to risk at the moment, but it was enough. Dominique glared at them and rolled her eyes at the immaturity. Zazie had gone back into his "little lost human child" routine and was doing his best to climb onto the Cyclops' lap.
Wolfwood lounged in the back seat, leafing through all the brochures he had picked p at the con. He had cleaned and bandaged the nasty lumps on Vash's head with his portable first aide kit, so he just had to kill time until the goofy blonde woke up and resumed entertaining him. That couldn't take all that long, could it?
"Dominique, I'm hungry," Zazie finally whimpered. "When can we eat lunch? Are we gonna get KFC?" The little blonde boy looked up to make eye contact with Legato in the rearview mirror. "You said we could get chicken on the way back, right, Legato?"
The psychic winced. He had said that, hadn't he? He somehow liked the little brat better in his demonic Beast mode. "Hell, I don't know! Ask the Master, Zazie. It's his decision." He secretly hoped that Knives would heed the child, if not with KFC, then at least with some form of sustenance. After all, he had been made to leave the con without attending the awards luncheon, and he was hungry.
Zazie leaned forward until his little blonde head was right next to Knives' elbow. "Knives? Can we get KFC? Can we, huh? Can we?"
With every "can we?" Knives flinched. His fists tightened on the steering wheel. Finally he reached down and pushed Zazie's head back into the back seat. "Alright! We will stop for chicken! Just shut up!"
Smiling happily, Zazie settled back next to Dominique to await his long-awaited meal. Swinging his sneakered feet, he began to hum a little tune that sounded to Dominique suspiciously like the chicken dance.
Legato was greatly disturbed. "What are you plotting, you evil little worm?" he growled suspiciously, peering at the little boy over the back of his seat.
Zazie gazed at him innocently. "Nothing." He then pulled a fat book out of his overnight bag and began to read, seeming to ignore the psychic altogether. Legato was now very worried, and also slightly angry that the little boy was ignoring him. These feelings persisted as Knives pulled off the interstate and through a small town, finally locating a KFC.
"You all wait here," Knives growled. "I'm going to go inside to get the food and we will eat in the car. I don't want another Taco Bell episode." As he went inside, Rai Dei had the bright idea to open the van's side doors, letting in the warm and refreshing breeze. Obediently, the band of killer outlaws sat and waited for their master's return.
And waited.
And waited.
"What is that you're reading?" Legato, pushed by boredom, finally demanded. He had stepped out of the van to stretch and was leaning against the open door, next to where Zazie was still engrossed in his book. He now snatched the book away from the Beast to scan the cover. "Harry Potter? Zazie, I sometimes wonder what goes on inside that little skull of yours, but I hesitate to probe for fear of mental trauma for life."
Insulted, Zazie snatched his reading material back. "Harry Potter is awesome! Just 'cause you got no imagination, loser..."
Legato frowned. "Zazie, I realize that your human persona is only ten years old, but surely even you must realize that those books are pure fantasy. Nothing can be gained from reading of the fictionally dramatized life and times of a teenage wizard."
"Oh, yeah?" Zazie (still in his innocent child phase) challenged loudly. "Then how is it I can use wizard spells to bend you to my will, huh, smarty?"
"By all means, do demonstrate." Legato allowed a small smile, half of pity and half amusement. He was already formulating the scathing remarks that would emotionally damage the ten-year-old's psyche forever when his little "spell" proved unsuccessful.
"Okay. You asked for it." Scanning his page one final time for reference, Zazie laid down his book on the seat of the car and hopped out to face Legato. Dropping into a fighting stance, he held out the battered length of cut coat hanger he fondly fancied a wand and pointed it firmly at the relaxed and waiting psychic. "Crucio!" And he kicked Legato between the legs.
Knives, inside the restaurant, saw his minion go down. Ouch, he thought absently, watching Legato writhe in the parking lot. I wonder what that was about. Oh, well.
"Here you are, sir." The lucky Kentucky Fried Chicken employee on duty behind the counter handed Knives his bags of chicken, biscuits, coleslaw and mashed potatoes. "Thank you and come again."
"Whatever." Grabbing the food without a backward glance, Knives left the restaurant to return to the van and check Legato. He had a feeling he would be needed to prevent another attempted Zazie assassination.
Legato had crawled back into the front seat of the van and was whining softly in his misery. Good little boy Zazie had given up the ghost and snapped back into demon-child mode. He was currently tearing tail around the parking lot, dodging passing cars and laughing insanely at his victory over Legato.
The psychic growled malevolently. He was going to shove that cursed book down the Beast's throat and asphyxiate him with it, and then he was going to...
/No, Legato./ Came the warning inside his head.
/My apologies, Master./ The psychic immediately banished all destructive thoughts from his mind, to be dredged up later. For now, he had something better to concentrate on than his injured lower half. His merciful Master, light and joy of his life, was presenting him with food. What more could a lowly minion ask?
"Come on, Tongari, wakey wakey." Wolfwood dug into one of the bags and found a promising item for his lunch. Unwrapping the chicken sandwich, he wafted it under the gunman's nose, hoping that the aroma would snap the blonde out of his comatose state.
It did. Vash twitched and sniffed deeply. With a pained wince he opened his eyes a tiny crack. "Nick? What...? Where are we? Where's the con?" He sat up in a panic, then grabbed his head with a pained squeak.
"We left the con," the priest clarified, taking a large bite of his sandwich. "Er, what's left of the con after Naraku and your brother got through with it. We'll be home in a few hours." Gulping down his bite of sandwich, he reached for a soda. "Want something to eat? Some chicken, maybe a biscuit? We got plenty."
"Some Aspirin?" Vash moaned, shifting up into a slightly more comfortable position to accept the offered bag.
Knives allowed a small smile as he opened his own sandwich. Good, Vash was alive after all. The cursed con was in shambles, the evil demon had been vanquished, and he was on his way back home. All was right in his little psycho-plant world. Until...
"Mister spiky person!" Rin squealed, diving through the wide open door to land in Vash's lap. "You're not knocked out any more! I'm glad, since lord Sessho-maru didn't want me to mess with you when you were asleep, and now that you're awake I can talk to you and –"
"This is not happening." Knives reached over the back of his seat and grabbed the enthusiastic little girl by the back of her yukata. Firmly, he placed her out of the van and back onto the asphalt of the parking lot. "I want you to go back where you came from, now."
"But... but..." Rin pouted, lower lip quivering.
Vash was appalled. "Knives! Be nice! She just wanted to see me, and she's so kawaii--!"
"Shut up, Vash. Go on!" Knives yelled at Rin, pointing away from the van. "If you're here, that means that the mangy dog who watches you is here as well, and I'm not even in the mood! Get lost before he comes over here! I swear, if he shows up I'll rip his stupid tail right out of his... What the hell do you want, Vash?"
The younger plant was pointing frantically up, the light of terror in his eyes. Knives peered up and out of his open door as the huge shadow of an enormous, ticked off dog demon in full demonic form loomed over the van. Wisely, the rest of the Gung-Ho Guns sought what refuge they could under and behind their seats as Sessho-maru's giant paw shot out and swiped Knives out of the vehicle.
As the Great Lord of the Western Lands batted Knives around the KFC parking lot, overturning cars and dodging staccato blasts from the angel arms, Vash gathered Rin back into his arms. "So kawaii," he cooed rapturously, offering her a box of pocky he had purchased at the con. She happily accepted, completely ignoring the havoc her lord was wrecking just a few feet away. Wolfwood simply rolled his eyes and went back to his chicken.
Legato peeked out the window, whimpering a bit as he ate his own food. He wanted to help Knives, he really did... only, as things now stood, he would most likely wind up getting eaten by the giant doggie, with no chance of getting back in one piece to eat his yummy lunch. So he would eat fast, then help Knives. That decided, he tore an enormous bite out of the chicken leg he was holding and gulped down six potato wedges in quick succession.
The blue-haired psychic was just finishing his dessert (a root-beer float) when Knives hobbled back to the van, dirty, ragged, and covered in paw marks. He stared at his cowering minion for a long moment, then slapped Legato firmly. "Where were you on that one, dip-shit?" he yelled, shoving the stunned psychic out of the van.
"I'm sorry, Master!" Legato wailed, trying to scramble back inside. "I meant to... I was going to... really, I was!"
Knives slammed the door on his minion's fingers.
Sessho-maru, back in his more human-like form, appeared next to Vash's door. "Time to go, Rin," he muttered absently, smoothing his long ivory hair back into place. He had a rather large scorch mark on his fluffy, due to angel arm, and was slightly distracted while trying to estimate the cost of an emergency trim and dye job for the injured appendage.
"Bye, mister spiky person!" Rin jumped out of the van and ran to follow her lord, waving at Vash over her shoulder.
He waved goodbye sadly. "I just love kids." he sniffled. "And I think that I... I might... oh, I want one, Nicky! One of my own! Waaah!"
Eye twitching, Wolfwood shoved the blonde off. "Uh, you should probably take that up with Lust, then, okay?" He really hoped that Vash wouldn't. The thought of one or more miniature Vashes unleashed upon an unsuspecting world to spread chaos and well-meaning destruction scared him badly.
"Oh, right. Sorry." Sheepishly, Vash began to pick up the various trash items off the floor boards, wondering what he would even name a child if he ever were to have one. Probably Rem if it was a girl, but then again he had also always liked the name Jenny. And possibly... yes, Nicholas if it were a boy. He considered for a moment naming a son after Knives, then discarded the idea with a shudder. Yes, definitely Nicholas for a boy.
So preoccupied was the plant that he nearly tossed away the neatly folded packet of paper he came across, neatly nestled in with the other trash items. At the last moment he took a second look. "Hey, bro? This is for you."
"What?" Knives did not look pleased, glaring back at his twin in the rearview mirror. He had a lovely black eye forming. "I don't care. Throw it away."
"But Knives, it has your name on it." Not waiting for his twin to answer, he unfolded the paper. "Oh, look, it's a note. Want me to read it?"
"Do I really look like I care?" Knives growled, slurping off the rest of his drink.
Vash shrugged and began to read.
"Millions;" the note read. "Congratulations on your assault against the idiot formerly known as Naraku. I was greatly anticipating his receiving a large dose of comeuppance. In other, smaller words that your vegetable brain can process: he had it coming. Dialing my brother and the other heroes was, dare I suggest it, nearly a stroke of genius. Oh, and my thanks to you for also destroying the beastly convention. I wasn't enjoying myself in the slightest, and it provided some much needed amusement. Do not hope to see you soon, however. With just the slightest hint of respect, Sessho-maru."
Wolfwood and the others were giggling madly as Vash finished reading and disposed of the note. Legato, sucking his hurt fingers, looked upset. The doggie had a lot of nerve addressing his master as a vegetable...
Knives sighed deeply, pitching his empty cup out the window and into a trash receptacle. Save the environment, prevent forest fires, and all that.
Tomorrow was another day. He could plot revenge against the stuck-up dog demon later. And oh, would he ever. "Close the doors, you idiots. We're leaving." He paused to look back into the rear of the van. "And Hornfreak..."
"Yes, Master?"
"You have exactly three minutes to go inside and use the restroom."
"Yes, Master." Sweat-dropping, Midvalley got out and ran for it. The remainder of the ride promised to be a tiring one.
O.O.O.O.O
The ride did turn out to be rather long and uneventful, but tiring just the same. The van load of villains and one would be outlaw hero arrived at the Gung-Ho Guns' base just as the sun was setting.
Scarcely was the van in park than the occupants began to pile out of it, grabbing baggage and shouting each other down over who was to secure a turn in the shower first.
Zazie shot around the back of the base, presumably to greet his sand-worm friends and tell them all about his experiences at the con.
Midvalley and Rai Dei hand not forgotten their honor duel. The samurai and sax player shook hands on meeting out back, six a.m. the next morning, sharp, then disappeared into the building in search of their own, beloved rooms.
"Hey, Knives, can Vash stay the night?" Wolfwood had the nerve to ask, pulling his gear out of the back of the van he had grown fond of. "He can, right? Unless... you'd like to drive us both back to town to his hotel?"
Knives, exhausted, blew him off. "Whatever, Chapel. Just... do whatever. I don't give a damn, really I don't. Legato, where are you? Get over here!"
As Vash and Wolfwood happily headed into the house to rustle up some snacks, the blue-haired psychic returned from his short trip to the mailbox. "Just stretching my legs, Master," he said cheerfully. "And look. It seems that we accumulated some mail while we were away." As they followed the rest inside, Legato riffled through the pile. "A Cosmo magazine for Dominique... Midvalley received the new issue of Musician's Friend... bill for suit dry-cleaning for Chapel... ah, here's something for the both of us, Master! It's from the B.O.P.P.P.!"
Knives felt a chill crawl up his spine. "What do those idiots want?"
"Allow me to open it, Master." Legato eagerly opened the envelope. "It says: 'We, the Brotherhood of Psychotic, Psychopathic Psychics, cordially invite our esteemed members, Mssrs. Millions and Bluesummers, to our annual Members' Meeting Gathering and Convention!' Oh, won't that be fun, Master? This is so exciting! I'll R.S.V.P. right away –"
Legato never finished his sentence.
Knives neatly shredded the invitation and deposited it into the waste paper basket. Brushing off his hands, he calmly left the unconscious body of his loyal minion lying in the entryway and headed for the bathroom, ready to assert his dominance over the shower.
If he lived to be one thousand, and never heard the word "convention" again, it would be much too soon.
– Owari
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(2nd) Author's Note: And so, dear readers, ends the saga of the Gung-Ho Guns' convention experience. We have laughed, cried, and howled in pain and mirth alongside our brave con-goers, but – alas! – their story is through. I hope you have all enjoyed this little fic of mine, and that it has added a splash of humor, however briefly, to your days. Here's hoping we meet again soon.