Not for Sale

Disclaimer: I don't own Get Backers and its characters. But Shido's heart belongs to me!

Summary: Toshiki shows why his love for Kazuki is more than selfishness. ToshikiXKazukiXJubei. One shot.

Warning: This Sucks with the capital S. Don't say I didn't warn you. Fact is, I don't know how to write anything that has a plot so please don't expect that this has a story or something. Fat chance. In any case, I love yaoi and that's what I'm writing about and that's the only thing I can write about. Hence this crap. Er, has anyone told you that this is my first GB fic? Now you know. This is also RATED for language.

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He didn't know whether to laugh or cry at what he was seeing. If people--lovers, especially--could liberally display their affection under bright skies, not heeding the sense of privacy of people whose regard for conservativeness happened to be a million degrees higher, most probably it wouldn't take another generation for them to exhibit in the open the nasty things they did inside the bedroom.

It was pretty alarming, that thought. It was a little on the twisted side. In fact, it interrupted him and his other more significant thoughts to distraction. There were instances when he'd be stunted in the middle of his concentration just because a couple strafed by, hand in hand, cheek to cheek, shoulder to shoulder. He couldn't quite imagine how those people stood such blatant reduction of proximity; he found it hard to put himself in their shoes. If he were to be this close to another person, and that person could be anyone in Mugenjou, he was sure he'd crack in no more than 5 minutes. 4 minutes and 59 seconds would be tops, he wagered.

He very probably shunned intimate contacts, physical or otherwise, and this aloofness might just as well find its measure in the vast sense of the abnormal, but still! Anyone has his limits!

To say that Toshiki felt nauseated at such times would be an understatement. In hell's truth, he really thought it was so horrible, unnecessary and all that; and really, had people no better things to do?

For some reason, they had. Fuuga had a lot of better things to do, things that involved cleansing the Lower Ground of filthy, bullyragging presences. More often than not, the squad's members got their fair share of ass-kicking and they'd lay themselves to sleep at night while potently feeling the pain of several bone fractures. Whereas others found an outlet for their psychosomatic torment by cursing their lungs out or anything along that line, Toshiki endured everything in silence. During fights, he was the first to sniff out game, always energetic, always reliable. True, he was one of the best warriors of the group; goes without saying.

Toshiki wondered if it was all worth it, if it was alright that personal space had altogether become a forbidden concept among the members. It seemed that everything they did had to be for the preservation of the Lower Ground's safety. Younger members of the group complained about not being able to have enough time for their love escapades, whatever that might mean. They whined, rebelled and even dared to go to the extent of threatening to leave the group. How thick could they get? It was hard enough to find time for personal hygiene while simultaneously being one of the Fuuga, what more of bothering to keep a love life in the midst of it all? Just for the record, it was highly impossible.

Still, that didn't answer the question; was it worth the sacrifice?

They had their hard times; it isn't like they were always fortified by gung-ho members. Far from it. Whether it was out of youthful incapability/impatience or simply boredom or desire for freedom, Toshiki wasn't sure why anyone would ever think of splitting cords with Fuuga. Of course, Fuuga was one fucking cool team. It wasn't the kind of brotherhood one would be willing to part from, ever. Toshiki staked his claim on that, life and all. Anyone who had been in Fuuga and wanted to leave it afterward was a borderline moron, if not clinically disturbed.

Then…

'I'm joining the Volts. Jubei will be going with me. Anyone who wants to join will be free to do so. I wish Fuuga all the luck.'

Toshiki was sure he could never forgive Kazuki. Wishing Fuuga all the luck, huh? Right, he might as well have signed the termination paper of its existence. Never, with all the winds howling and the sky at its darkest, did Toshiki invite the thought of Kazuki leaving the group behind. What was he thinking? He was their frickin' leader for crying out loud. He, the front liner of Fuuga suddenly breaking everything up? Why, was that how he kept his end of the bargain? Ruining everything? He, of all fucking people?

It would've been less serious had Kazuki bothered to whitewash the issue. But no, there was no subtlety in his voice or in his words; instead, he seemed damned pleased to be rid of Fuuga. Hell knew what reason he had then, if he had any. So much for being the loving, gentle, ever so considerate leader of the pack. Anyone would've thought well to put his head in an oven or something.

It was then that his respect for Kazuki of the Threads sank to zero. It was then that along with the steadiness of his nerves, his hope waned to almost nothing. He even went as far as thinking that if the group were decimated by those arseheads from the Belt Line, all of them would be happier in hell or in heaven by then. What did he feel at that crucial, life-turning moment? He couldn't quite put a finger on it; hell, he was never good with words both outwardly and inwardly. If he'd be pestered with questions to his dying day, he'd most probably come up with this kind of analogy, mediocre however: it felt very much like being robbed of one's insides. He felt something akin to emptiness. Hollowness, like an abandoned building so old nobody even bothers with it. Perhaps that was it, because he was certain that if someone tapped him the sound it would've produced would echo back to him. Yeah, it was something like that though not precisely.

And as if that weren't enough, Kazuki had to get Jubei in tow too. Needless to say, Toshiki's anguish had only been amplified a hundred times; no, a thousand times. Jubei was the next in line to Kazuki; without those two, Fuuga was better off disbanding. If Kazuki was abandoning them, he'd better not take the goods with him. It was futile to say so though, since all Kazuki ever needed was a little fillip to send Jubei running after him. Indeed, Jubei, being so predictable and mercilessly transparent, went with him. He couldn't leave Kazuki alone for one minute to save his own life; after all, he worshipped the ground he trod on.

Kazuki and Jubei were the kind of pair that couldn't stand keeping their hands off each other. Their bond was simply epical, antedating even the existence of Fuuga. Still, it didn't necessarily have to amount to shameless display of affection! If anything, it should be made illegal. When Toshiki sneered at loving couples he actually meant to sneer at those two, to express his despise for them. It didn't matter if they were around or not; he did it anyway as though the harder he contorted his face the greater the effect it had. It was just so unbearable, to put it contritely. While others virtually scrambled to find time for miscellaneous matters such as love, Jubei and Kazuki were so full of it. Toshiki could only wonder, by maximum stretch of imagination, how those two caught hold of the moments they needed. It isn't that Toshiki had missed out on the two's activities; as a matter of fact, he was by their side for the greatest part. And yet he couldn't help noticing, remote as he was, that there was always something so arcane with the way those two looked at each other. It was as if they shared something nobody else knew or touched or saw. Toshiki learned that it was what they meant by mutual understanding. Perhaps, that's even quite putting it lightly. Toshiki had never seen two people so in love with each other. He felt, quite simply, polarized and it was bothering him so it could break his heart.

And break his heart, it did. He had been dying of love for Kazuki long before he knew what was killing him. It crashed on him just like that; that's why the fact that Kazuki only observed Jubei during their fights typically sent him to a fit of rage, that's why it was so effing hard to stare at Jubei without carrying the urge to cut his throat and leave him sprawled on the floor. Jubei was the constant reminder of his loss; it was only natural that Toshiki should despise him to the last drop of blood, only he couldn't afford to. He cared so much for Kazuki to risk it, and Kazuki's opinion of him meant everything. This disease, he initially thought, was merely a product of the hatred he incurred from childhood violence. That's what he thought, until Kazuki decided to cut ties with Fuuga. True to the old adage, his feelings stated 'you don't know what you got till it's gone.' It was so cliché it choked him just to think of it night or day. Even so, he had to accept it; what else was there to do?

At length, Fuuga was dissolved and Kazuki and Jubei lived happily as members of the Volts, that damned overrated clique of strutting bastards. They thought they owned Mugenjou or something. At any rate, Toshiki distanced himself, living as a recluse, living like a drifter with no place, no friends to belong to. At times he looked back at Fuuga and would sit long, drowned in an endless train of thought that brought him the long-ago and the faraway. It was no use trying to deny this yearning, since everything, even the minutest nuances of his expressions, simply said he wanted the old Fuuga back, with Jubei and Kazuki—Kazuki especially—in it. Sometimes he thought of it so earnestly it seemed that his head would just bleed one of those days. He often had this kind of mind orgasm and much as he hated to allow it, it only magnified his hurts. Thus, it led him back to the question he had always asked himself; was Fuuga worth his sacrifices?

It transpired to him then and there that it wasn't worth it, not a single darn and not in a million light-years. He had been swindled in the past, but not this much, not in this size of scale. He was so angry he wanted to kill everyone in sight. He would break all rules, anything, even Kazuki's spine, just to show him…

----

'Don't you want to see an old friend of yours? I know you want to. Just give me a call anytime. I'd be waiting.'

Those were the only words that'd persuade Toshiki to lay a hand on any Volt member. Under different circumstances, he'd rather not mess up with these people. But that maniac Masaki knew quite well where his weakness lay, there in his latent desire to meet Kazuki once again. And that hit home; that alone made him say yes, effortlessly. He didn't like the idea of kidnapping Makubex, but there was no way else he could confront Kazuki, that angel-faced turncoat. Jubei was another story; Toshiki simply had some odds to settle with him. With that vague intention Toshiki, summarily speaking, put it to his head to see Kazuki just this special once.

He had changed. He had galvanized that one stupid weak spot he had for Kazuki. He was different now; he had become so cold he could easily die of hypothermia. And not even Kazuki with his pretty girly face could warm him up a centigrade higher.

Or so he thought.

He could feel how alone he was now as he surveyed this virtual reality of a chapel that otherwise looked like a waste land. Kazuki and Jubei were bound to run into him sooner or later; that being the sole price of meddling with Masaki and trying to save Makubex. He had specifically requested to fight against these two, his old comrades, now turned enemies. And yes, he had memorized what to say them, how to look at them and how to fight them. He wanted so badly to hurt them physically as though doing so would compensate for the spiritual and emotional loss he'd found himself drenched in, thanks to Kazuki's voluntary departure.

He stood facing the double door entrance, biding his time, clenching his fist, now breathing slowly, now heavily, and repeat. Those minutes of waiting seemed to be the slowest, longest moments of his life. He couldn't as of yet identify whether it was excitement or dread or both that he felt; he just knew that he skipped heartbeats and began to sweat profusely. He could just turn around, proclaim himself a traitor and leave Masaki to his designs. He could choose not to see these two again and be spared the recurrence of his old flame for Kazuki. But no, he'd regretted it too long, endured it too long. Postponement was so out of the question.

He heard the door knob click in front of him, saw it turn along with the angular movement of the doors' hinges. For the first time in that mini eternity Toshiki was no longer alone, and for the first time since Fuuga broke up he had come this close to Jubei. Toshiki could hear his breathing; more than anything, he could tell that the other almost didn't know how to suspire the next breath. The last person Jubei expected to be there was Toshiki himself. In point of fact, Jubei never thought he would see Toshiki again so long as he lived. His purple sunglasses did little to hide the shock in his eyes, and so did his blindness. How well Toshiki knew him was simply a matter of time honored togetherness. And though that might be, it wasn't enough to conjure fun memories of their old rapport. He wanted him ripped from limb to limb and that was that.

'Don't expect me to let you out of here alive, Jubei.'

'That's my line.'

Swift as a blink, both commenced a fierce exchange of blows, with neither willing to accept defeat for the next few hours. All this time Toshiki kept the past in his mind, perhaps trying to justify the cruelty he was inflicting on Jubei. But Jubei, like Toshiki, had increased his strength so immensely one could hardly familiarize him with that young boy out of Fuuga. Whether or not this was a product of the efficiency of the Volts' management, Toshiki couldn't tell. It was pretty hard to imagine so. Plus, he hated to think of it that way.

'I won't be playing around anymore. I'll give you a taste of my overdrive. You won't say hello to sunshine again after this, Jubei.'

'Bring it.'

Poised to attack, both fighters moved further from each other to gain momentum. Within seconds, they caught themselves hurling at each other at their top speed. Toshiki would finish this once and for all; he would kill Jubei, for all it was worth. He would…

'Kazuki!'

Toshiki shrieked at the same instant Jubei emitted a loud 'Kazu-chan'. This, Toshiki didn't prepare for. What in bloody hell was Kazuki thinking squeezing himself between two fatal attacks? He stood there, the Master of the Strings, between Jubei and Toshiki just when both were an inch away from giving their most lethal blows. If Toshiki and Jubei had been more heedless, he'd snuffed it there faster than he could say stop. Whatever made Kazuki put his life on the line like that, whatever possessed him to interfere in this battle?

Toshiki's fist was on Kazuki's back. The latter was a tick tock and a half from being blown into smithereens. All Toshiki had to do was to add a little more force, one tiny movement forward, to conclude this stupid fight the way he had always longed to. To kill Kazuki; that was his purpose, right? But he couldn't bring himself to do it. Somehow, in the deepest, most hidden abyss inside him he knew he would never do it. It was just pure talk.

But why was Kazuki…?

'You're facing Jubei again. You never looked at me when we were fighting. Why is your back turned on me!' Toshiki screamed, as though it stated the entire cause of his bitterness. He felt his tear glands shake and tears began to well on the surface of his eyes. He felt anger, loneliness and dismay and he didn't know which of these he felt the most.

'It's because I know you'd never attack from behind.' Kazuki faced Toshiki and smiled, something he had never seen for the longest while. 'Toshiki, I wasn't only watching Jubei all this time. I watched you for long; I know your styles and moves and you might say admired them a lot. You have always been one of my best men and it was and still is my pleasure to watch you always.'

Toshiki let his hands fall on his sides; weak-kneed by those words, he sank on his knees and hid behind his fingers. He was crying, he had never cried so much all his life. Those words, they hit him huge time alfuckingright. And their being said by Kazuki cinched it all. This fight was over even before it started. Perhaps, there wasn't any fight to begin with.

'Stand up, Toshiki. We have to save Makubex.' Jubei smiled and offered his hand to Toshiki.

Kazuki moved ahead of them.

'Toshiki, you love Kazuki, don't you?' Jubei said beyond Kazuki's earshot.

'Goddamn you, I've never loved anyone else in my life.' Toshiki mumbled. He would've said that was quite understating it.

'I thought so. I'm so sorry you have to feel that way; but you should know that---'

'I have no plans to break up the two of you. You don't have to discredit me; I won't do anything that'll take his happiness away from him.'

'…'

'…'

'Will you tell him?' It was Jubei who broke the silence.

Toshiki pondered. Again, silence hung on the air. It was so enormous it seemed to threaten to engulf them both. Even the sounds of their footsteps were undetectable and their breathing stilled. He thought of Kazuki, how blissful, lovely and complete he seemed when he was with Jubei. He imagined that without Jubei, Kazuki would stumble down to utter ruin and Toshiki was sure he'd never want anything like that to happen, ever. Seeing Kazuki at the height of his happiness was enough. He didn't need another lover; Jubei was enough. And in his happiness and contentment, Toshiki was satisfied, vicariously however. In a word, so long as Kazuki was happy he'd be alright.

He thought of Kazuki's words, it was and still is my pleasure to watch you always. And he'd rather have those as the last words he'd hear from Kazuki. They were so perfect in themselves, so simple and sincere that thinking of it made his spirit soar, his heart full and above all, his mind at ease. Finally, he had the peace he had been seeking, here in these strife-torn, dark buildings of Mugenjou. How ironic it all was.

'No.' Toshiki said, his head up high. 'It's perfect this way.'

He halted and rooted himself in a standstill. Jubei stared at him with a vague sign of befuddlement on his face. 'Toshiki, what's the matter?'

Toshiki turned around to the other direction.

'Jubei, I leave it up to you.' Toshiki smiled his signature, oh-so sentimental smile. At any moment, it seemed that he'd burst into tears again. 'Tell Kazuki…Tell him that he showed me the way and that I'm grateful.'

'Toshiki,'

'Goodbye, Jubei.'

Toshiki ambled past the sinuous corridors away from Jubei. The distance continued to stretch between them until he was out of Jubei's sight. Alone once again, Toshiki repeated Kazuki's words, it was and still is my pleasure to watch you always. That beautiful line, it was enough to last him an eternity, even in his sworn solitude. Those words, they purged his mind such that he had never felt so light and cleared of illnesses. He felt the pieces of his shattered heart gather themselves to wholeness; he felt quite well. He would preserve those words forever in his head and treasure them, always.

He caught himself smiling in intuition and silence enveloped him once more.

END

A/N: Whew. Wouldn't you have it, I kept my swearing to a minimum. I daresay it's longer than the usual fics I've thus far written, and it's not that well-written. I know. Anyway, anyone is free to leave his comments. Yeah, say whatever you will. As for me, I love yaoi forever and nothing's going to stop me from writing things like that.