Title: Why Politics and Punch Don't Mix
Author: Third Charm
Fandom: Babylon 5
Pairings: Marcus/Neroon, Sheridan/Delenn, Ivanova/OC (in passing)
Story Type: Comedy
Rating: T
Disclaimer: Babylon 5 and all subsequent major characters, plots, and ideas are the property of J.Michael Straczynski, Babylonian Inc. and Warner Bros. The following story was written only for the purposes of entertainment. No income had been made.
Warnings: Very AU, slash
Spoilers: Too many to count!
Summary: This is an answer to the "Sweet Drunk Neroon" Plot Bunny/Challenge.
Author's Note: The Minbair words and phrases were found at the "JumpNow" website in John Hightower's Minbari dictionary, though not all are direct translations.
Why Politics and Punch Don't Mix
Neroon hated these things. "Receptions" the Humans called them. Torture he called them. The Satai Na (First Ruler) was still wondering why he had come instead of sending his top aide. Neroon sighed as he remembered. Norran's mala (spouse) was in seclusion and was due at any moment. Had he even tried to order Norran to Earth for this blasted thing, he would have had a one-Warrior mutiny on his hands. The Warrior come Priest glanced up, and winced in sympathy for Sheridan. Valen! Was every female of his acquaintances breeding? Well, at least he wasn't as bad off as Sheridan and his mala. And, there would be a chance for a "reunion" later.
In the mean time, John and Delenn stood on the receiving line. Both were bored out of their minds, but hiding it well, thank God and Valen. The ISN crew was constantly in their faces, and there was no need for those vultures to find out their true feelings. They would rather be in their quarters back on the Station, at Delenn's home on Minbar, or on John's family farm. But no, oh no! They were doing the political thing tonight, even though it was the first night of their supposed vacation! EarthDome just had do this to them. It was a reception for the hero of the hour, the man who had stopped the Drakh. President Sheridan and the First Lady of the ISA just had to be honored. Never mind that the First Lady was heavily pregnant and suffering from what she referred to as "all day sickness", perpetually swollen ankles, and was now very cranky.
At least the reception was going well. All the members of the ISA had sent representatives. All of the Earth Alliance as had well. The Minbari Federation had sent a Council member representing each of the Castes. And to everyone's surprise, Satai Na Neroon of the Grey Council was present as well. He almost always sent an aide in his place.
John was glad to see him here. At least he might find a semblance of sympathy tonight. Ever since Neroon had saved Delenn from the Star Fire Wheel, they had started developing a good working relationship. It wouldn't ever become a mutual admiration society, but John could always count on the Star Rider for back up on the important issues in the ISA assembly, and visa versa.
It was a wonder that the Warrior himself had survived the Star Fire. After his impassioned plea for the people of Minbar to listen to Delenn, everyone had expected to see his death in the ancient celestial fires. But fate had something else in store all together. The Fires went out as the Star Rider began to collapse and two images of Valen, one in Human form, one in Minbari, appeared.
What followed, was a scolding the Federation would never forget. The Minbari people found themselves being literally scolded like errant children by the founder of their current society. After a prolonged lecture on the sheer stupidity of trying to rip their society apart right when the Shadows were waiting for them to fail, Valen dropped his bombshell. Delenn and Neroon were both children of his blood! They should both be listened as his Voice! That was how the new Grey Council was formed.
There were nine members still. But now, on Delenn's orders, the Worker Caste held five places in the Circle, while the Religious Caste and the Warrior Caste held two each. And in the center, a Single Place, a place of honor, and the Sole Circle held by one who was honored by, not one but two, Castes as Leader, was Neroon's place. Delenn had appointed him (while he was unconscious and unable to fight her on the matter) the Leader of the Grey Council, "The One of the People". Delenn then confessed her role in the War, and declined a spot on the Council. She did however retain the honorary title of Satai (Ruler) at the urging of her Caste as well as the role of Entil'Zha (Ranger Commander).
Then, as time progressed, the duties and titles of Vice President of the ISA and First Lady were added. Many times during their frequent meetings when Neroon groused about the responsibilities that she had "dumped" on him, Delenn would snort and ask if he wanted to switch. After all, being the leader of the Rangers, the Vice President of an inter galactic governing body, and the wife and mother to be of his future heir, of President John "StarKiller" Sheridan, had to be much easier to deal with! It usually shut up the grousing Warrior quickly!
Delenn and John were both pulled out of their separate, but concurrent thoughts, when Delenn let out a lout gasp and placed a hand on her rounded belly. John immediately turned to his wife.
"Delenn, is anything wrong?" he asked.
"The baby is restless. I think I may have been standing too long. Also, my back is becoming a bit stiff. And I don't need to tell you the state of my ankles!" Delenn replied, not caring that she sounded petulant.
John made their excuses and escorted her over to a lounge to rest a bit. He didn't care whether all the politicians had shaken his hand or not. He did care about the safety and comfort of his wife and their unborn child. He sighed at the stubborn look forming on his beloved face. He was now in for it. Well, maybe if he got her some punch, it would head the situation off at the pass.
He signaled one of the waiters to come over and put an order in. He then looked up to see Neroon give him a very sympathetic look and nodded his gratitude to the Minbari Warrior come Priest. Neroon started to make his way over when he was stopped by one of the Human Rangers providing security; the Rangers and ISA Intel were cooperating on security for this event. Hmm, Marcus must need something. That got John thinking of how "that" working partnership started, and that led right back to his expectant wife, whose lower back he was now rubbing.
The Entil'Zha had found out quite quickly that pregnant Human women were given a huge amount of leeway in their behavior. Everything could be blamed on hormones and their "delicate condition". Delenn exploited this ruthlessly. For once, she was going to tell the universe exactly what she felt like!
The Grey Council found out about this little "temporary" change in attitude the hard way. They had dragged both her and Neroon back to Minbar on some truly pathetic issue. When Delenn had heard what the discussion was about, she had gone spare. There was a prolonged scene of screaming and insulting the Council's intelligence, and then the object throwing began. After every Relic in the Chamber had been destroyed, she sat down in the middle of the Sacred Circle and indulged in a good crying jag, to the scandalized horror of the Council.
Neroon, worried for the mental and physical state of the woman he now considered his sister in spirit, had put in a priority live relay call to Babylon Five on the highest emergency channels. After getting a terrified Doctor and Sheridan out of their beds, he relayed what had happened, and was promptly laughed at. This was followed by, "Oh, is that all that happened?" from the Doctor, and "You mean to tell me they were stupid enough to piss off a pregnant woman?" from Sheridan. Then he was told to call Marcus Cole from the Ranger facilities in Tuzenor and work with him in getting Delenn back to being calm and rational again. He had a way with ladies who were expecting. After all, wasn't he able to stop Captain Susan Petrova nee Ivanova from destroying the entire Drazi fleet after one of their captains had made an unguarded comment of the size of her – ehem – pregnancy altered "assets".
Neroon, dumbfounded by the Humans' behavior, did as they said. When the Ranger arrived, Neroon found out about the whole "she's pregnant, don't get in her way" rulebook. Following this little lecture, they screwed their courage to the sticking point, and bearded the lioness in her den. After profuse apologizing, cadjoling, begging, some tears on Marcus's part, and the delivery of a chocolate and caramel ice cream Sunday, they were able to return Delenn to the woman they both knew and admired.
Neroon immediately put her on a White Star back to her husband. Then he turned around and ripped the hides off the Council for their stupidity, wasting his and his "soul sister's" time, and gave them the warning to never again upset a pregnant Human woman. They were much too delicate, and their states too unbalanced to be able to deal with such stupidity.
When one of the Warrior Caste Council Members pointed out that Delenn was Minbari, Neroon rounded on him with all weapon systems blazing. Was not Delenn half-Human now? Had not the child in her womb been fathered by a Human? How could they be so blind as to not see that this would put Delenn in an even more delicate situation than a Human woman who would be used the chemical and physical changes? Were they truly that blind? Needless to say, the council hadn't bothered Delenn since.
After the "incident" as it was now referred to, Marcus and Neroon had developed their own working relationship. The Ranger ran interference between Council and Neroon and the ISA. The Satai Na and the Anla'Shok (Ranger) Champion were regarded as something of an odd working couple. They could always be seen in council over some issue or another. How could two Warriors who had once literally tried to kill another be such close-working partners now?
Many of the Rangers speculated that they bonded over their near death experiences in trying to save their "soul sisters". After all, wouldn't the Ranger have died if the Doc hadn't made it back to the station in time to control the feed of the life energy transfer machine? And, hadn't Susan stuck him with more responsibilities as well after being promoted to Captain and taking command of Babylon Five? Wasn't Cole now both Anla'Shok Na and the Station's 2IC?
It seemed to them that the Satai Na and the Anla'Shok Na had a lot in common, including barren love lives. Some intrepid female would always suggest that maybe someone could and/or should do something about that. Then everyone would laugh and the speculation on the types of deaths that would be waiting for the idiot, if some poor misguided fool ever tried it, would begin.
Sheridan shook his head, shaking off his musings as one of the men had been contemplating approached. Neroon and the waiter caring cups of punch arrived at the lounge at the same time, thereby cheering John, Neroon and Delenn considerably. Delenn and Neroon took the cups gratefully.
"It is good to see you, sister of my soul. I had hoped that your and your mala's requests for seclusion would be honored. I see that I was expecting too much of these political peacocks," Neroon said as he took a drink of the punch. Neroon immediately stiffened.
Delenn sighed and agreed, then she too was about to drink. At this point, Neroon shouted, "DON'T!" and slapped the cup out of her hands.
"What is wrong? Is it poison? Are you alright?" asked a frantic Sheridan. Meanwhile, the ISN crews, having caught the scent of blood, were now circling.
"Not poison. Alcohol, there is alcohol in that punch!" Neroon said.
Sheridan paled. This was so NOT GOOD! Minbari plus alcohol equals berserker.
Neroon began to flush. "Get security, get them now!"
Geribaldi came rushing over in that instant. He had caught the exchange on the wires that he insisted that the First Couple wear. "Alright. I heard it. We're getting the punch thrown out and seeing if anyone else is in trouble. Now, Satai Na, let's get you outta here, and sedated before you kill half the attendees," he finished, taking an arm.
It was a bad move. The booze was already taking effect. Neroon threw off Michael's grip, and then threw Michael across the room.
"Do not touch me Human! I know that you wish to kill me and all my kind!" the now poisoned and paranoid Minbari shouted as he unhooked his denn'bok (Minbari pike) and took a fighting stance.
"Oh Valen! This is bad, John! The Satai Na is still the best duelist on Minbar. No one will be able to disarm him without injury to themselves or him!" Delenn cried as Sheridan hustled her to a safe distance.
A double ring of Security Officers, Rangers (the elite, known as "Cole's Chosen"), and Neroon's personal guards now surrounded Neroon. No one could get closer than a denn'bok length from him though. Suddenly, Neroon exploded both verbally and in movement. A sickening crunch was heard, and one of the Security Officers was down and bleeding profusely. Another officer hurriedly dragged him out, and the circle closed ranks again.
Sheridan saw that his wife was right. He played a hunch. God, he hoped that he was right, otherwise, two pike masters would after his hide. That is, if they both survived.
"Get Cole in here! Get him in here NOW!" he screamed.
One of the Rangers was already calling the Anla'Shok Na before the President finished his sentence. And, Marcus was running before he heard the entire message. He came barreling in at top speed and hurdled over anything in his path. The circle around Neroon opened to let him in. He came to a sliding stop in front of Neroon, and they were now both enclosed.
He began speaking quietly in Lenn'ah (the Warrior Caste Language), hoping to save the Satai Na and himself further embarrassment. Unfortunately, most of the beings in the area either spoke it, or were wearing translators. Also, the ISN crews had hover cams and microphones with built in translators trained on them.
"Neroon, it is Marcus. Neroon, please listen to me, hear me. It's I, Marcus," the Ranger kept repeating until a small semblance of sanity returned to the Minbari's eyes.
Slowly, Neroon began to relax his stance. "Marcus? Marcus, why are you looking so worried? You stand as if we would fight den'shah again."
Marcus slowly edged his way towards Neroon. "There had been a mix up in the kitchens. Some one added champagne to the punch."
"What?" a puzzled Neroon asked.
"Champagne was in the punch you drank. Please, my heart, leave with me now. You know what happened at John and Delenn's wedding when she accidentally drank some," Marcus asked extending a hand to Neroon.
At that statement, John and Delenn both gasped and blushed. Damn! Well, at least they had been able to keep the event to family and close friends only. No one was going to talk. Now they, along with the two in the middle of the Warriors' Circle, had the attention of everyone in the room as Neroon considered what Marcus said.
"This is bad. Alcohol makes Minbari Warriors psychotic," Neroon said. His expression, though, was changing. It was going from enraged to, well, lecherous.
"Yes, this is true with all pure Minbari. And you most of the time. But, my One, you are a Child of Valen. A small amount in the presence of your interest would have a different effect. Remember the wedding?" Marcus asked as he took Neroon's hand and began tugging him towards the exit.
"Yes, I think you're right. We need to leave, leave now!" Neroon said breathlessly while matching Marcus's worried tone.
They ordered the guards to make a path for them and tried to bolt out of the salon, but were stymied by the sheer size crowd that surrounded them. They were able to make almost no progress at all before the situation went from bad to worse. As they tried to push their way through, Neroon began to growl.
"Oh Valen! Not yet! Please, not yet!" Marcus prayed and then blushed scarlet. He knew what that growl meant. He was about to be jumped by a Minbari Warrior high on booze, right in the middle of a diplomatic reception! Marcus's prayers went unanswered as he found himself drawn tight up against his ma'fela (lover).
"Marcus, I remember you once telling me that Humans had, in the ancient past, a ceremony similar to the Shon'Fal (Pleasure Ritual)? Shall we reenact it here?" Neroon playfully asked as he began to nibble on his ma'fela's ear.
"Um, no Neroon. It is considered bad form to do such things now," Marcus answered as he tried to disengage himself.
Neroon was having none of it. Every time Marcus moved his hand from an inappropriate spot, he's find somewhere else to fondle or stroke his secret fiancé. Every time Marcus squirmed away from his lips, he'd find another spot on that delectable neck to nibble or suckle.
"Then perhaps we can invite all these lovely beings to stand witness to a rather early performance of our Shon'Fal?" Neroon asked, redoubling his efforts to seduce Marcus, and now trying to remove the Ranger's cloak and tunic.
The guards, Warrior and Ranger alike, saw the turn of events and closed ranks completely with perfectly executed about faces. They used their bodies to shield their leaders' indiscretion from prying eyes. Unfortunately, they hadn't noticed the hover cams. Thankfully, a recovered Garibaldi did.
The crowd was not able to see the actions of, but could hear the discussion between the two in the circle quite well. That alone was scintillating enough. Marcus was trying to convince Neroon to take their activities to somewhere more private. Neroon was trying to convince Marcus that the Ranger had deep-seated exhibitionist fantasies and should use this opportunity to act them out. A ripping sound, a loud gasp, and a shouted "Neroon!" were heard, and then a Ranger's cloak and tunic came flying out of the top of the circle. A quick thinking and acting Ranger caught them with the tip of his denn'bok.
"I can't believe that you did that!" an irate Marcus shouted.
Neroon chuckled. "I love scandalizing you," he replied.
A squeal was then heard and a pair of Ranger's boots came flying out. One of the Security officers grabbed one out of the air while the other landed on the buffet table. It landed right in the middle of the Sculpted Salmon Mousse.
"Neroon no! Stop, don't... EEEP! Not here! Damn you Neroon!" More ripping sounds were heard. "Stop trying to get my trousers off! Oh, Valen! HELP ME! I swear Neroon... Bad Minbari! BAD! EEEP! That if you try and deflower... STOP THAT! me right now...No! I SAID STOP! right here... EEEP! THE WEDDING IS OFF!" screamed a desperate Marcus.
That seemed to get the Minbari's attention, well at least the noise from inside the circle stopped.
"Perhaps we could move this to another venue," agreed the Satai Na.
With that statement the Warrior emerged from the circle with the Ranger One now wrapped in his cloak and cradled in his arms. He gave quick and harsh orders to the guards. A path was immediately made for him through the crowd. Who ever did not cooperate summarily found out about the Minbari's superior strength, AND why Rangers with denn'boks should be feared. The procession quickly made their way to one of the anterooms.
The lead guards opened the doors and Neroon practically ran in. The doors were immediately closed behind him and the Warriors and Rangers resumed their posts guarding the two leaders inside. Interesting sounds could still be heard again, though they were a bit muffled this time.
Garibaldi tried to take control of the situation. "All right folks, lets have some order! The salon across the way is being prepared..." A soul torn scream and entreaties to both Valen and God coming from the anteroom interrupted him.
One of the Rangers standing guard smirked. The rest of his fellow Rangers groaned. The Warriors shot him dirty looks and grumbled about "unfair situations" and that "spiked punch was not supposed to count". The smirking Ranger held out his hand, and credit slips began to be passed to him, from Ranger and Warrior alike.
"Sore losers! I told you those two would never make it to the wedding night!" the smirking Ranger crowed.
Even though the visual feed had been scrambled half way through, the sound broadcast was enough for ISN to break all the viewing records set by a wide birth. The only broadcast to come close to the same ratings was the broadcast of the Anla'Shok Na's and Satai Na'a Human style wedding. The Minbari one was reserved only for those they were closest to.