A/N: The world of Exile (Avernum) remains the property of Jeff Vogel and Spiderweb Software, not me. I promise to return to the game unharmed the GIFTS and the GIFTR (Giant Intelligent Friendly Talking Roaches); and places: the Friendly, Happy Spider home and the Happy, Friendly Roach home.
"So what do you want to talk about?" said Daniel, sounding a little sullen as Anicka led the way down the road away from Shayder over the territory they'd covered before.
"Look, Dan, if we're going to succeed, we can't go picking fights with dervishes because they want to call us worms," said Anicka. "And if you let them know it pisses you off, they're just going to make a point of doing it ... If you ignore 'em ... well, the stuff we're doing is going to get more people on our side, and they won't matter."
"What do you know about it?" said Daniel.
"I know what it's like growing up being a bastard," said Anicka. "My mom mighta claimed that she spent time with Ansel ... and she mighta, but that doesn't mean he is my father, and even if he is ... or was, since I haven't ever seen him that I remember ... And it sure didn't help me much when people wanted to pound on me because my mom was a slut. You just have to get over it."
"But that kinda shit ain't even your fault," said Daniel. "They're stupid if ..."
"And being Avernite isn't something we chose, neither," said Anicka. "I was born down there. I don't know about the rest of you, but ... From what I understand, there's not too many people what chose to go down, and the ones that did ... well, they're like count'em on fingers of one hand."
Angarahad said, "And the point is, we got thrown out of one inn already because you couldn't keep your yap shut. And if it's going to be a problem, maybe we should just take you back to Anaximander and tell him to keep you down there because you're endangering the mission."
"You wouldn't!" said Daniel.
"Try me," said Angarahad.
The two stared for a few moments, and then Daniel broke off eye contact.
Frrrrrr said, "Of course, if they want to kill us for being Avernites, all bets are off." He gave a feline smile, disturbing in the number of sharp teeth revealed, "but the insults ... just let them drop ... they will tire of it."
"All right, I'll try," said Daniel. "It's just hard."
"I know," said Anicka. "And now we have to go visit those happy friendly spiders."
"I've heard of them in Avernum," said Nathan. "And I've heard that many people who went to visit them came out totally nutters."
"Well, try and hang onto your sanity," said Anicka with a crooked grin.
They went back along the road to Bavner, and then into the web-festooned dense forest, and finally reached the entrance to a ruin. Someone had once built a complex down here, lived here for some time, and abandoned it. The gate was barely standing still. The little town had not remained empty however. It was now occupied by spiders—huge spiders, lots of them. They were moving around, standing guard, building and maintaining webs, and ... chatting.
Clearly these were not ordinary spiders, as they talked to each other in friendly, high-pitched, perky voices.
The sentries saw the group and said, "Hi there, humans! Come on in! We won't eat you! We promise."
"Let's go," said Anicka, with a smile pasted on her face.
A large spider with big fangs was standing guard, watching them with interest, and he said, "I'm Spider! You look friendly, so I won't bite you."
"What are you guarding?" said Anicka.
"I'm guarding our lair! There's mean things about," said the spider, making a martial leap in the air, as though to convince the group of its fearsomeness. "You never know when someone mean and bad will try to break in, like some of those cockroaches, or nasty humans."
"I'm sorry that some humans are nasty to you," said Frrrrrr. "I'm used to it."
The spider shook its head sadly, and said, "Oh well. There are nasty spiders too. Some humans don't like any spiders. Silly, huh? We're so good at killing roaches!"
"Yeah, we heard," said Anicka. "Do you know anything about all the roaches around outside?"
"Roaches are mostly yummy food, but some are smart and friendly like us! They are hiding to the north. You should go meet them! They're swell!" said the spider. "Our chief knows exactly where they are. He's in a room that way." The spider pointed north and said, "He can tell you lots about roaches."
"Thanks," said Anicka, and she led the way north, with the smile still pasted on her face, and a slightly worried look as she glanced at her companions.
They had gone only a small way further, when they met an official-looking spider marching precisely around. It came up to their waist, and perkily said, "I'm called Spider."
Great, they all have the same name. No wonder people go bonkers, thought Anicka, as she said, "May I ask what your responsibilities are?" Maybe we lucked out and found the chief already.
"I'm the captain spider," said the spider, and it seemed to be giving Anicka a once-over, and said, "You're cute."
"Ummm, thanks," said Anicka. "You're pretty cute yourself."
"Yeah!" said the spider, bouncing up and down a little. "Want to go on a date?"
Oh shit ... I have not ... oh yes I have ... oh shit ... Anicka gave a panicked look to her companions, and said, "That sounds ... uhhh... nice. Maybe when we're through with our adventure." I'll be sure never to come back here when that happens!
"Hooray! Hooray!" said the spider, jumping up and down happily for a minute, and then it wandered away.
"Did you just ..." said Daniel.
"Dan, don't go there," said Anicka. "Don't go there."
Angarahad said, "So, do you know anything about the ruins? Like who lived here before?"
"Nope! No clue," said the spider. "They were all gone when we got here. We hate these caves. They're icky. But they keep us hidden from the humans."
"How'd you become captain?" said Angarahad.
The spider looked uninterested in that topic, and said, "Yep, the chief picked me." Then he said, "You're really cute!"
"Can we speak with the chief?" said Angarahad, who had no intentions of encouraging a randy giant spider.
"Yeah, he knows lots and lots and lots and lots of stuff about roaches," said the spider. "He's to the north. Oh, and you're cute."
As they continued, they met a giant spider with streaks of white in its hair. This one said, "Hello, humans. My name is spider."
"You seem lost in thought," said Daniel.
"I am a sage spider!" replied the elderly spider. "I record the history of our people. I have lots of cool learning and stuff. I record history mainly. When I'm not eating yummy bugs."
"What sorts of history have you recorded recently?" asked Phaedra.
"Would you like to hear about the great journey, or about what we did otherwise, or about the great spider god, or about the tale of the great adventurers?" said the spider.
"Well, all of it," said Phaedra. "What about the adventurers?"
"Well, once, long ago, I met some adventurers who came to our caves in ... uh ... I think you'd call it Avernum. I was tiny then. Then years later, I met some more adventurers. I wasn't tiny that time," said the spider. "I liked them all. They were cute. And they helped us."
"How?" said Anicka.
"I forget," said the spider.
"What about the spider god?" said Daniel.
"Ohhh... I forget that one," said the spider. "I think we have one, though. Ask me another."
"What about the great journey?" said Anicka.
The spider hopped up and down and cleared its throat. "The history of the Great Journey," it said. "We were in caves. Then Spider led us here. Now we have more bugs. Yay! Thus endeth the history."
"Could you tell us about the other spider history?" said Anicka.
The spider repeated the process of hopping up and down and clearing its throat before saying, "The history of the Spiders. We ate a lot of bugs, and they were good. Then we had babies and ate more bugs and they ate bugs. Yayyy! Thus endeth the history."
"Thanks for the time," said Anicka.
They continued exploring, trying to avoid the spiders, and met an officious spider blocking the path.
"My name is Spider," he said somberly.
"Can we go further?" said Anicka.
"No. I'm a guardian arachnid," it said in a proud manner, baring its fangs.
"What are you guarding?" said Anicka.
"I'm guarding our chief! You can't go east until you prove you're allowed," said Spider. "He's powerful and good. I will protect him, Even until it's not convenient."
"And how can we prove that we are allowed to see your chief?" said Anicka.
The spider thought, unsure for a moment, and finally said, "If you are allowed to see our chief, surely you would know his name! What is it?"
Here's a real stab in the dark ... thought Anicka, as she said, "Is your chief's name Spider?"
"That's it!" said the spider, jumping up and down happily. "That's Chief Spider's name. You can go through."
Allowed to pass, they met an older spider with wisps of gray in its brown hair, and a golden circlet on its head.
"I'm Spider," it said, with just a tiny bit of authority.
"This is ... uh ... a nice home you have here," said Daniel.
"No it isn't. It's icky and cold and sad. We wouldn't live in this yucky place if we didn't have to stay away from the humans who always want to kill us," said the spider. "But it's still better than the caves. We hated the caves a lot."
"So what sort of spider are you?" said Anicka.
"I'm a leader spider," it said.
"How do you lead the other spiders?" said Anicka.
"I guided all the other spiders on the big, nasty journey to the surface! I lead them in the catching of yummy bugs," said Spider. "And I say what we should do about those nasty cockroaches."
"Why did you leave Avernum?" said Anicka.
"We used to all live down there in those weird, dark, chilly caves you call Avernum. The bugs there were small and not very tasty. Then we found a way up here!" said the spider, and it gave a happy jump and said, "Now we find lots more bugs."
"What kinds of bugs do you eat?" said Anicka.
"Tasty ones, of course," it said, plucking a fist-sized cockroach from a nearby web and munching it down, "Yum, snacks!"
"We heard you know a lot about the nasty cockroaches," said Anicka.
"Cockroaches are good food, but also tough and hard to hunt. But not all are bad. There's some friendly roaches! They live to the north, but are all hidden," said the spider. "Would you like to know where the friendly roaches are?"
I'm so going to regret this, thought Anicka, and she said, "Yes. Where are the friendly roaches?"
"Before I tell you, you need to help us. Directly northwest of here, in the middle of a circle of four big stones, is a big roach lair," said the spider. "Go there and some spiders will meet you. Help them kill the bad roaches, and I'll tell you where the nice ones are!"
"Sure," said Anicka. "We'll get right on that."
They left, moving into a dark, shadowy copse of trees with spiderwebs on many branches, while grapefruit-sized spiders watched them as they passed.
"So, when you going to go on a date with a spider?" said Daniel.
"Shut up, Dan," said Anicka. "I was being polite. I said when my adventures are over, and when my adventures are over, I'm never coming back here. They don't have much memory, so it'll probably forget soon anyhow."
After another day of travel, they reached the stone circle that the leader spider had told them about, and found a small band of the Giant, Intelligent, Friendly, Talking Spiders, chatting and munching on centipedes.
One ran over, and said, "Hi there! I'm Spider! Are you ready to attack all those yummy roaches?"
"Sure," said Anicka.
Uttering high pitched battle cries, the spiders rushed forward. Suddenly, the rocks erupted with massive numbers of cockroaches, none less than three feet in length. Spider allies bared poisonous fangs, and a massive and massively disgusting battle was joined.
Finally, the roaches defeated, the spiders happily helped away their wounded, paralyzed the roaches and bound them in webs and they sang little happy bug-eating songs. Several tried to kiss the group in thanks, though Anicka carefully dodged.
"I know we're going to regret it," said Anicka. "But we're going to have to find out where those friendly roaches are so we can pay them a call, too."
"I thought you'd want to date them, too," said Daniel.
"Shut up!" said Anicka, "or I'll ..." She drew her sword, point at his Adam's apple.
Daniel stepped back, raising his hands, and he said, "Shit! I ... Anicka, you wouldn't ..."
"Try me!" said Anicka.
"OK, OK, I'm soooorry!" said Daniel. "Maybe it's just that I want you to go out with me."
Anicka dropped the sword point, and gaped at Daniel.
"Yeah, I know," said Daniel. "I'm an idiot. Thanks for ..."
Phaedra said, "You two ... how about you talk this over when we go to camp for the night? I'd rather not get overrun by roaches while you're sorting out your love life."
"Who said anything about ..." said Anicka.
Phaedra said, "Look, I'm sorry, it's just ... these roaches ..."
"Yeah, ok," said Anicka, sheathing the sword again. "Sorry, Dan."
"I'm sorry, too," said Daniel. "Let's go talk to the spiders and find out about the friendly roaches. And then there's the mage that the we-hate-magic-not-mages guy was talking about."
As they walked into the abandoned complex now owned by the friendly spiders, a spider was shyly watching the group, and sidled up, and said, "I'm so glad to be talking to you."
"Ummm... you must have me confused with someone else," said Anicka.
"Nope, I'm looking for a mate," he said exuberantly. "It's good to make babies, and you're cute!"
"Uh, look, we're flattered but ... I don't think it'd work," said Anicka.
"No but! You're cute and tall! I like you," said the spider.
"Um, I just don't think any of us here have what it takes to be a parent to baby spiders," said Anicka. "We don't ... uh ... don't have enough legs."
"I see," said the spider, walking away, looking dejected.
"Let's go find that leader and get out of here," said Anicka.
They made their way back, by-passing the guard spider, and found the chief spider where he had been before.
"We helped fight the nasty roaches like you asked," said Anicka.
The chief Spider bounced happily, and said, "Well done! You helped us get lots of yummy, yummy food! You are brave and nice! The roach lair is directly straight north of here, hidden in the middle of a bunch of trees. Be nice to them, because they are really friendly and good."
"We'll be sure to be nice to them," said Anicka.
Camping in one of the buildings of the abandoned complex, they avoided the friendly spiders, but spent the night in safety before heading north the next day to the place where the friendly roaches were said to dwell. Following the directions they had been given, they entered a hidden cavern, and at first the happy, chirpy voices sounded like another colony of friendly spiders before the smell of garbage and filth hit the group, and they looked at each other.
"Happy, friendly roaches," said Daniel.
"I know," said Anicka. "Hang on to your gut and your sanity."
A huge cockroach, about five feet long, said, "I'm a guard roach!"
"Hi," said Anicka. "So ... whatcha doing?"
The antennae of the roach twitched excitedly, and it said, "Guarding against you! I guess. Any mean humans or spiders come in here, I give 'em a big bite! If you're nice and cute, though, I let you in."
"Do you often get attacked?" said Daniel.
"Sometimes. Most humans and big spiders aren't neat and cute like you," said the roach. "They try to eat or stab us, rather than talk and be friendly."
"Well, we won't hurt you," said Angarahad.
"You're nice! I like you!" it said, hopping up and down happily.
"Thanks," said Anicka, and she led the way into the large cavern, filled with massive heaps of fragrant filth and wandering, happily chatting cockroaches.
Unlike the other roaches on the island, they did not attack, but rather yelled "Hi!" in high-pitched, cheery voices.
A nervous looking roach said, "I'm called Slime Gobbler."
"What are you engaged in right now?" said Anicka.
"I'm looking for a mate. The old one is gone," it said sadly.
"What happened to your old mate?" asked Nathan.
"She was Scum Cruncher, the most lovely roach you've ever seen," said Slime Gobbler, looking dejected. "She was out walking our eighty children, when they saw some humans and went to say hi." He emitted a long, warbling sigh, "Long elegant curved antennae, slender wings, and she developed the most beautiful egg sacs. I miss her so. Darn you humans, for taking her from me!"
"What happened then?" said Anicka.
"One of them threw fire, and they all died. I wept, then snuck into their camp and got little bits of filth in their food," said Slime Gobbler. "I followed them, they ate it and got sick. Serves them right, the big meanies. Some of them weren't moving at all the next morning, but maybe they were just real sleepy."
"That's awful!" said Phaedra. "You can't do that to humans!"
"They were mean! You're mean too, I bet," said Slime Gobbler. "I don't like you. Hmmph."
After Slime Gobbler had stomped off, they shrugged, wondering if there was a leader to this group, and found another giant roach busily poking at one of the tall walls of piled trash and rotting goo.
Bouncing over to them, it said, "I'm Doom Bringer," the voice however, was cheerful, and his antennae were waving happily.
"What are you doing?" said Anicka.
"I'm eating," said Doom Bringer. "But enough about me. You're cute!"
"Ummm... thanks for the compliment," said Anicka.
It waved its antenna, and said, "Aren't my feelers pretty?"
"Sure," said Anicka. "As long as you don't expect me to touch them."
"Are you busy?" said Doom Bringer.
"Yeah, we're really busy," said Anicka.
Doom Bringer sighed, and said, "You're probably going to the Filth Factory, and won't hang around, huh?"
"Do you know about the Filth Factory?" said Anicka.
"Nah, Filth Spreader keeps going on about it," said Doom Bringer. "I forget what it was like, though."
"Where's Filth Spreader?" said Daniel.
"Filth Spreader is around here somewhere. He's really cute!" said Doom Bringer.
"Thanks," said Daniel, and they moved on, and he moved next to Anicka and said, "These guys creep me out more than the spiders."
"Let's find Filth Spreader and hope we can get out of here," said Anicka.
They continued around the corners, and found a huge cockroach gobbling down disgusting grayish material, though fortunately, he stopped and turned to speak with them.
"I'm Filth Spreader," he said, poking some slime with a leg and spreading it around to emphasize the point.
"Why are you spreading that slime around?" said Frrrrrr. "It's very messy."
"I ... I ... Hmm, I don't know. I'm sure I'd be lots happier if I was eating it. But I guess it's just my ... whatchamacallit, instinct," replied Filth Spreader.
"Sorry to disturb you, but what are you doing?" said Anicka.
"I'm eating, silly," said Filth Spreader.
"Of course," said Anicka, fighting the urge to be sick all over the cockroach.
"We smart roaches have to eat lots more if we're goin to stay smart," said Filth Spreader. "That's one of the neat things we figured out in the Filth Factory."
"What is the Filth Factory?" said Anicka.
"That's where most of the big roaches were born. Most of us are dumb. But some of us were born smart. We don't know why. We didn't want to get killed by humans, so we came to hide here," said Filth Spreader. "We remember where the factory is, though, and we might return someday."
"Perhaps you could tell us more about this Filth Factory?" said Phaedra.
"Would you like to know where it's located?" said Filth Spreader. "You're so nice, I know you wouldn't do anything mean there!"
"Of course not," said Phaedra. "Where is it?"
"It's hidden real good. There's a wall blocking the entry, but that's not really there. You can walk through it. It's north of the biggest human town and south of a small one, in the big hills. It's really neat!" said Filth Spreader. "I hope you like it!"
"Thanks for talking with us," said Anicka.
Armed with this knowledge, they hurried out of the home of the friendly roaches to breathe in the relatively clean air of the Isle of Bigail.
"I'm definitely never going back there again," said Anicka. "That was even worse than the spiders."