Disclaimer: None of the Jag characters belong to me....
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Chapter 9:
Mac cried the whole way to Bethesda.
"I don't know what's wrong" she said, "I'm scared".
"I know, my love, I'm scared, too" said Harm as he held her hand tight, "but let's get you checked out and see if we have anything to be scared about".
"What do you mean 'if we have anything to be scared about'!?" cried Mac, "I'm pregnant, I'm bleeding and I'm scared!!" She didn't mean to yell at him, but fear had taken control and she couldn't help it.
"I mean maybe this isn't as bad as we think, maybe this is common and we just don't know because we've never been through it before" said Harm, hoping to calm Mac down a little.
"I don't think so" said Mac, "I've just got a really bad feeling about this".
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The ER wasn't too crowded that night, so they didn't have to wait very long before being called back. The nurse asked Mac a ton of questions, making note of each answer on a form attached to her chart.
"Is this your first pregnancy, Colonel?"
"Yes" replied Mac.
"How far along are you?"
"4 weeks, 1 day" said Mac, fighting to keep herself together.
"Was this pregnancy confirmed with a blood test?"
"Yes, this morning".
"On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being highest, how much would you say you're bleeding?" asked the nurse.
Mac thought for a moment and answered "about a 4".
Harm was right beside her the whole time, hoping and praying it would turn out to be nothing and that Mac and the baby would be fine, but the longer he sat there the more concerned he became.
The nurse finished questioning Mac, and led she and Harm to a gurney in the hallway.
"Sorry, all the rooms are full right now" said the nurse, "but I'll get you a gown to change into and you can lie down here and as soon as a room becomes available, we'll move you".
"That's fine, thank you" said Harm as the nurse handed Mac a gown and pointed towards the restroom.
"I'll be right back" said Mac. She returned several minutes later dressed in the gown, which she hated, and carrying her clothes.
"Let me take those for you, Mac" said Harm reaching for the pile of clothes.
"It's OK, I'll just set them at the foot of the bed, but thanks" said Mac.
"Need any help getting up there?" asked Harm. "Yeah, actually I do" Mac replied , and Harm took her hand as she gingerly climbed atop the gurney. She got as comfortable as she could and laid there quietly, staring up at the ceiling tiles.
After a few moments, Harm broke the nervous silence. "Did it stop yet, the bleeding?" he asked.
Mac shook her head, "no, it's about the same as before".
"I'm sorry, Mac" he said, "I wish we knew what was going on". He moved his chair closer to the gurney so he could hold her hand while they waited for the doctor.
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"Colonel Mackenzie?" asked the doctor as he approached Harm and Mac, who were still waiting for a room to become available.
"Yes" answered Mac.
"Hi, I'm Commander Mitchell" he said, extending his hand to Mac and then Harm, "I'll be handling your case".
"Nice to meet you, Commander" said Mac.
"You're having bleeding very early in your pregnancy, correct?" asked the doctor.
"Yes" answered Mac, feeling herself getting worked up again.
"Well, we won't really know anything until we do some blood work and a physical exam" said Commander Mitchell, "but I want you to know that this isn't as uncommon as you may think and it doesn't always indicate a problem".
"How can bleeding not indicate a problem?" asked Mac, feeling very skeptical.
"Well Colonel, sometimes as the embryo implants in the uterus, it causes some bleeding, anywhere from a very little bit to a lot" said the doctor, hoping to appease Mac somewhat, "it doesn't happen in every case of course, but we do see a fair amount of it at this facility".
Knowing that Mac was getting worked up, Harm stepped in and asked the next question.
"Do you know when we'll be moved to a room?"
"I'll go check on that in just a moment, Commander, but it shouldn't be much longer" said the doctor, "in the meantime we can get the Colonel's IV started and get the blood we need for the lab work, if that's OK"?
"Mac?" asked Harm, "you want them to start the IV"?
"That's fine, may as well do something while we're waiting" answered Mac.
The doctor excused himself and went to check on getting them into a room and to turn in the orders for the blood work. "I don't care if this sort of thing isn't uncommon and doesn't always indicate a problem" said Mac quietly, "I've got a feeling it's not good".
Harm knew that he best not argue with her, especially not over a "feeling" she had, since Mac's "feelings" were rarely off the mark by much. He wanted to believe that she was just protecting herself by preparing for the worst, but he didn't know for sure. He was trying to juggle being there for her and supporting her with keeping his own fears and concerns in check, not an easy task.
"It'll be OK, Mac" said Harm, "whatever happens, good or bad, it'll be OK because we're in it together".
"Gosh, I love this man…" she thought to herself as the frightened tears began to fall once more. Harm leaned against the gurney and embraced her so she could cry on his shoulder.
After almost 2 hours of waiting in the hallway, they were finally moved into an exam room just before 10:00. Fortunately for Mac, the nurse who came in to start the IV and draw blood was very good at it, and she hardly felt a thing.
"That didn't look like it was half as bad as some of the ones I've had" said Harm after the nurse had finished up and left the room.
"It wasn't bad", said Mac, "it didn't feel good by any means, but I've had worse".
"Hopefully the doctor will be in soon and we can get some answers on everything" said Harm, attempting to keep Mac engaged in some sort of conversation.
"I hope so" she answered. Harm knew by the look on her face she was really scared, and it was killing him to know he couldn't do anything about it.
Commander Mitchell came in a few minutes later, accompanied by a nurse.
"Ok, Colonel" he said, "let's do the physical exam and see what that tells us".
"Alright" said Mac as she got situated on the bed. Harm pulled a chair up next to the head of the bed so he could hold her hand while the doctor worked.
"Let me know if any of this is painful, Colonel" said the doctor.
"Oh, don't worry, you'll know" said Mac.
Harm held her right hand in both of his, caressing it gently. "What's wrong, are you OK?!" he asked her when she suddenly squeezed his hand and took a very deep breath.
"Yeah, that hurt!!" said Mac, trying to relax.
"I'm sorry, Colonel," said the doctor, "I'll try not to hurt you anymore".
Harm hated this, not just that Mac was in such an uncomfortable situation, but because once again she was hurting and he was powerless to stop it.
A couple of minutes later, the doctor finished the exam and gave Harm and Mac his initial findings. "I can't give you a final answer until I get your blood work back and can compare your pregnancy hormone levels tonight with the ones from this morning, which we had faxed over from Dr. Kendall's office", he said, "but the amount of bleeding you're experiencing could indicate a very early miscarriage, it's what we call a chemical pregnancy".
As soon as she heard "miscarriage", Mac began to choke up.
"When will you know for sure?" asked Harm as he rubbed Mac's back and tried in vain to comfort her.
"If the pregnancy hormone levels in her blood from tonight are aren't enough higher than the levels from this morning, or if they're equal to or lower than those levels from this morning, that will be our answer" said the doctor. "In a healthy pregnancy, the hormone level steadily rises, roughly doubling every 48 hours. With an abnormal pregnancy, the levels can rise slowly, they can plateau, or they can drop. It's the body's way of telling us something's not right. I know it's not been 48 hours since the first test, but the levels should still be a certain amount above what they were this morning."
"I see" said Harm, "and what are the chances that the numbers tonight will be good and everything will be fine and we can chalk this up as one of the 'not so uncommon' cases you spoke of earlier?"
The doctor thought for a moment before he answered. "Honestly, Commander, I don't think that's going to be the case, but again, we have to wait for the blood work".
Mac sat on the bed and cried through the entire exchange between the doctor and Harm, and once the doctor left, she really fell apart.
"Mac, let's try not to give up yet, there's still a chance things are really OK" said Harm.
"Things aren't OK" cried Mac, "I'm telling you Harm, they're not OK. We're gonna lose our baby, I just know it".
He slid onto the bed beside her and held her close.
"I don't want to hear the final answer from the doctor, Harm" said Mac, still crying, "I want to hear it from you".
"Sure, Mac, whatever you want is what we'll do" said Harm as he stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head, glad there was finally something, anything he could do for her.
Just after midnight, Commander Mitchell returned with the results of the blood work. Harm spoke up as soon as he saw the doctor.
"May we go over the test results in the hallway, doctor, just you and I?" he asked, "she'd like for me to be the one to tell her what the tests showed".
"Of course, Commander, right this way" said the doctor. They were gone for several minutes, minutes which Mac thought would last forever. She turned her head when she heard the door open again, and she watched as Harm came over to her bed and sat on the edge. He took her hand in his and silently stared down at the floor.
"Harm...?" Mac asked, her heart racing.
When he lifted his head to look at her, she saw the tears in his eyes.
"We're losing our baby" he said, his voice trembling with emotion.
"I know" whispered Mac, "I know".
They held onto one another and cried….
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A/N: The inspiration for this chapter came straight from my life. It was the hardest chapter I've written so far with regard to emotions, but it flowed the easiest of them all because I didn't really have to think about it, I just wrote what I lived on that awful day and fine-tuned it a bit towards the characters. It's every bit as horrible as it seems here, every bit as painful. I'd love some feedback on this chapter about how the emotions came across - having been in Mac's place myself not long ago, it's hard for me to really know how emotional my writing is or isn't. I can put myself there because I was there, so I can't be unbiased about it, but I'm hoping you all can put yourselves there from this chapter . My goal is to tell a very real story of what they could be faced with in real life, but you all have to be the judges of whether I'm succeeding or not!