Disclaimer: None of the JAG characters belong to me....

A/N: A great bigthank you to everyone who reviewed chapter 9 - wow!! I'm really touched that so many of you find this story so meaningful and substantial. I asked for feedback about how the emotional part of the story was coming across, and I can see it's being read loud and clear, which was my deepest hope. Some of you have said you had no idea how difficult it can be for couples going through this sort of challenge, and I'm glad my own experiences can serve to bring the pain of infertility and pregnancy loss to light.

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Chapter 10:

The drive home was a quiet one. They'd spent nearly 5 hours at the hospital by the time they left, taking the last hour to regain enough composure to make it home. Mac's discharge orders were to return right away if she felt things were getting worse or if she was in a lot of pain, and to follow up with Dr. Kendall the next day. The nurse had already called and left a message with Dr. Kendall's office saying that Mac would be in.

"Can I stay with you tonight?" Mac asked Harm as they neared his part of town.

"Of course, Mac", he answered, "I don't think either of us should be alone tonight, especially you". He was right, they really needed each other after the heartbreak they'd been handed.

They arrived at Harm's apartment at some ghastly hour of the night. "I'm calling in sick tomorrow" said Mac as she changed into her pajamas, which were a pair of Harm's old workout shorts and one of his old, faded Naval Academy T-shirts.

"I think I will, too" said Harm, who's pajamas were the boxers he already had on. "I'm not gonna get much sleep tonight and I know I wouldn't get any work done if I went in".

"You're in the middle of researching a case" said Mac, "are you sure you can miss tomorrow?"

Thinking for a second, Harm replied "Yeah, I'll just hit it really hard on Thursday, no biggie". Mac was glad he'd said that - she would have understood if he needed to work, but she knew she'd need him a lot in the coming days.

"OK, well I'll call in for myself and you can call for yourself", Mac said to him, "I know people may wonder why we're both out at the same time like this, but I don't have the strength to worry about office scuttlebutt right now - for all they know, we ate bad Chinese and got food poisoning".

"That sounds like a good excuse, let's use it" said Harm, figuring food poisoning was about as believable a reason as any for the two of them being home sick at the same time.

Exhausted both physically and emotionally, they got into bed and snuggled up close to one another and laid there in silence for the longest time, until the sorrow came flooding back. "I'm sorry.…" said Mac as she began to cry again.

"Mac", said Harm, embracing and pulling her near, "don't apologize like you did something wrong. You didn't, it's just one of those things that's nobody's fault, sometimes bad things just happen". Deep down, she knew that, but it seemed like someone needed to be blamed for what felt like the most cruel joke on earth. They'd been so happy that afternoon, and by bedtime every ounce of that happiness had been snatched away and replaced with pain and loss.

"It's not fair!!!!" she screamed.

"I know", said Harm.

"Why couldn't it have all been OK?? Why couldn't we have been one of those couples who go in afraid of the worst and find out things are alright??!!" sobbed Mac.

"I don't know, my love" said Harm, his voice cracking, "I don't know".

The loss would have been terrible even if the pregnancy had come easily, but the fact that they had to work so hard at it, after being told they may never be able to do it, made it so much worse.

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They got up early the next morning and called in sick, then crawled back into bed. Their appointment with Dr. Kendall wasn't until later in the day, and it had been a very long night for them both. Harm managed to go back to sleep, but Mac just laid there thinking about everything. "I wonder if it was a boy or a girl…" she thought to herself. She laid with her back to Harm, not wanting to wake him, and silently sobbed into her pillow. After a couple minutes, she felt his arm wrap around her, and she snuggled in as close as she could get to him and cried until her head hurt. Harm just held her close, wishing he could take the pain away.

"I wonder what Dr. Kendall will say?" said Harm as they drove to their appointment that afternoon.

"I don't know", said Mac, "I think it'll have some impact on what we do from here, but I don't know for sure".

"Do you think he'll make us wait any length of time before trying again?" asked Harm.

"Probably" said Mac softly.

"Do you think you'll be ready to try again as soon as he says it's OK?" asked Harm, knowing that Mac was dealing not only with the emotional loss but the physical effects as well.

"I don't know just yet" she said, "the range of emotions we've been through in the past 24 hours and everything that's happened, I can't really think about next time quite yet." That was pretty much the answer Harm figured she'd give, and he completely understood.

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They didn't have to wait anytime at all once they got to the doctor's office. As soon as they signed in, the receptionist phoned the nurses desk, and a nurse immediately came up and took them back.

"We need to get some blood from you, Sarah, "said the nurse, "and Dr. Kendall wants to examine you and see what's happening, OK?"

"OK" said Mac as she sat down in a chair.

"I'll go let the lab nurse know you're waiting, and when she's done you can go ahead and undress from the waist down and cover up with the sheet and Dr. Kendall will be in shortly."

The nurse left the room, and another came in and drew the blood and then she left as well.

"You must be tired of being stuck with needles, huh?" Harm asked Mac as she got undressed and hopped up on the table.

"I sure am" she answered looking at the little bruises on her arms from the ER, "I feel like a human pin cushion".

"I've felt like that before" replied Harm, "all my stints in the hospital over the years, I've been stuck with more than my fair share of needles." He knew he couldn't relate to much that Mac was experiencing, but that part he could. Just then, they heard a knock on the door.

"Hello" said Dr. Kendall as he entered the room, a nurse following behind him. "I understand you had a pretty rough night last night, Sarah" he said as he leaned against the counter and looked at her chart. Mac tried to answer, but instead she just nodded her head and began to cry.

Harm wrapped his arms around her tight. "Yeah, last night was pretty bad"he said, "today hasn't been much better." Mac calmed down fairly quickly, but Harm stayed right beside her in case she got upset again.

"I know they diagnosed you with an early miscarriage last night at Bethesda" said the doctor, "and that's certainly what it sounds like to me based on the records they faxed over this morning, but I'd like to check for myself and make absolute sure."

"Right" said Mac, still sniffling just a bit.

"Are you OK to do that right now,or do you need a few minutes?"the doctor asked Mac, being as compassionate as possible.

"I'm alright, go ahead" said Mac as she laid back on the table. Harm reached out and took her hand and held it tight, hoping this exam wouldn't hurt her like the one at the ER had. He saw her wince a couple of times, and he asked her if she was alright, and she nodded both times, so he knew she wasn't really hurting too bad.

"All done, Sarah" said the doctor, "go ahead and sit up." Mac knew by the look on the doctor's face that things weren't good. "It definitely looks like you're miscarrying" he said, "we'll need to compare the blood work from today with last nights, but it doesn't look too promising."

"We didn't think it would" said Harm.

"I'm sorry, I always hate to see any of my patients go through this", said Dr. Kendall, "it's just more suffering on top of an already difficult situation and it's just not fair."

"My thoughts exactly" said Mac.

"How long until the blood work comes back?" Harm asked the doctor.

"I put a rush on it, so it should be done anytime now" answered Dr. Kendall, "in fact, you can get dressed, Sarah, and I'll go check on it for you now."

Harm handed Mac her clothes, and as she was dressing, they talked a little bit.

"I like Dr. Kendall" Harm said, "he's got a good personality and a compassionate heart, those things are important in this line of work."

"Yeah, I like him, too" said Mac, "he's a lot better than the ER doc from last night, that guy got on my nerves."

Moments later, they heard another knock on the door, Dr. Kendall had returned with the results of the blood work.

"Your pregnancy hormone level last night at the ER was 121, today it's only 60, which means without any doubt that you're miscarrying." Mac didn't cry this time, she was actually prepared for that news and was able to take it as well as could be expected.

"I'm sorry, I really am" said the doctor, "I wish I could say they were wrong last night, but they weren't." Mac sat silently and played with the clasp on her bracelet.

"I'm sure you're getting to this, but what happens from here as far as trying again goes?" asked Harm.

"Well, you're out of the game for the next 6 weeks so Sarah can have time to heal physically" answered the doctor, "and at that point if everything looks good and you're ready, we can get the ball rolling on another treatment cycle."

"What impact does this have on our chances of a successful pregnancy in the future?" asked Harm, knowing that Mac was wondering about that but too shaky to really do much conversing.

"None at all" said Dr. Kendall. "Believe it or not, while this is a very sad and painful thing, it's quite common and as a single event it doesn't indicate anything that we need to be overly concerned about." Somehow, the knowledge that it was "common" didn't make Mac feel any better.

"OK, well that certainly gives us some hope and some time to deal with this and talk about everything" replied Harm. "Do you have any questions?" Harm asked, turning to Mac.

"No" she said softly, ready to get out of there and go home.

The doctor shook their hands and apologized once more for their loss, and they made their way to the front desk to check out.

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"How do you feel?" Harm asked Mac as they walked to the car.

"OK I guess" she said, "I'll be glad when it's all over".

"Do you think 6 weeks will be enough of a break? We can wait as long as you feel we need to" he said, wanting to make sure Mac knew that she didn't have to go along with anything she didn't feel comfortable with.

"I know" replied Mac as she got in the car, "I can't promise you anything, but I'm pretty sure 6 weeks will be enough. My OB/GYN said the longer I waited to try and conceive after my surgery the lesser the chance of succeeding, so we really shouldn't waste time if we can help it."

Harm reached over and put his hand on Mac's knee, and she covered his hand with hers. "Are you hungry?" he asked, "We can get anything you want."

"How about we go back to your place and call out for pizza?" she said. "I don't much feel like going out, but we could eat pizza and maybe watch a movie or something."

"Pizza and a movie, we can do that" said Harm.

They both knew they were far from past the pain from losing their baby, but they also knew the only place they wanted to be was wherever the other one was.

A/N: Another chapter inspired by personal experience, changed up a bit here and there to fit the characters. I know the past 2 chapters have been real downers, but things will pick up again soon...