They decided to scatter his ashes from the top of a cliff. Below them lay the ocean. He'd left a note. It told them when he wanted to be scattered. Who was to set him free.
He chose dusk.
He chose her.
The sea was red in the dying light of the sun.
He was Ryan's best man. They wore roses in their button holes. Not red roses. Pink roses. Her dress was a pale, pale pink. Like a sunrise on snow.
"Hey,"
"Hey,"
"How you doing?"
A smile.
"Shouldn't I be asking you that, Marissa soon to be Cohen?"
"I think we've known each other long enough for you to know I'm…"
"Indescribably happy? Yeah, I think you're right. And, I'm fine."
"Three of the most powerful words in the English language, Seth. I Am Fine."
The wind was blowing out to sea.
She held the urn close to her chest. Around her right wrist was a faint circle of bruises. Whenever she found herself going into that place where it was just her and the thick sadness she snapped the elastic around her wrist. It was like when people tried to stop biting their nails. When they realize, they snap the band as a reminder. It was almost a primal thing; do this and there is pain.
A circle of ribbon surrounded her left wrist. She took the lid off the urn, and held it high above her head in her right hand.
His ashes flew.
She smiled.
"So long Seth" She lowered the urn and the silence was broken by the snap of an elastic.
"You ready?"
"Are you?"
"I'm fine"
"Good, I love you,"
"Love you too,"
"Any particular reason why I'm walking you down the aisle and not your dad?"
She looked at him in the mirror and tilted her head. He knew that look.
"Right then. Let's go"
Marissa took Seth's arm and breathed.
No one really understood how much his death had hurt her. They underestimate how much it hurt.
He wasn't her brother.
He wasn't her son.
She wasn't in love with him.
She was his friend.
It was almost as if she didn't have the right to collapse in grief because she was just his friend.
Just His Friend.
Three words that made her grief seem like a blip. Implied it wasn't nearly as crushing as Summer's. Or Ryan's. Or any other friend. He didn't have many friends. And those three words dismissed her from his life.
Eighth grade. She had gone away for half the summer and Summer had become very close to a girl called Odette.
"Like in the Swan Princess!"
"That's great Sum. Listen, do you want to sleep over tonight? And do the thing we usually do the day before your birthday tomorrow?"
"Sorry Coop, but Ete's sleeping over tonight. You can come if you want, but you know how step-mummy gets with more than one person."
I Am Sorry.
"Uh, yeah. Well maybe we can do the shopping thing tomorrow anyway?"
"Sure, but not 'till like two o'clock. Ete's taking me-" she hung up before she could hear what wonderful place the faceless girl she already hated was taking her best friend.
Her Best Friend.
Tears soaked her pillow that night.
"You can just do things with your other friends, darling. Be independent."
"But…it's like she's a part of me. I can't lose a part of me. I can't lose her."
Can't Lose Her.
She had cried until her nose and eyes were so puffy you could hardly see where one stopped and the other began. And after the tears she settled into the warmth of her misery. It was like sinking in to mousse. Warm, blanketing strawberry mousse.
One.
Two.
Three.
She never told Summer. Odette left the next month. Summer didn't care. That helped.
"I missed you,"
A puzzled hug.
"I didn't leave."
Don't leave me.
Three. Snap.
The urn fell from her fingers to the rocks below.
All her life she had ignored things in hope of them going away and leaving her alone. You couldn't know what she was thinking. She couldn't know.
Just His Friend.
She ignored his sadness. She tried to talk to him.
I should have tried harder.
You should have.
He ignored his sadness. And he went away.
Don't Leave Me.
That night they needed each others strength.
Marissa crawled into Summer's bed. They lay next to each other, sharing a pillow. Marissa lay on her side, seeing Summer. She saw the pendant of her necklace lying on the pillow. The thin silver chain pooling next to it. She saw the butterfly backs of the matching earrings.
Summer turned over. They looked at each other without blinking. Slowly Summer closed her eyes. And in the darkness, there was safety. In the comforting arms of her friend.
She could feel her hair tickling her collar bone and the tears soaked her flannel pajamas. The tremors that ran through her friend's body.
When the trembling stopped, Marissa lay still with the familiar sleeping weight of her friend against her.
Two.
Tears slipped from her eyes and woke Summer as they dripped on her shoulders and ran down her back.
Best friends Forever.
That was the promise they made.
It was eerie. Three hundred and sixty seven days ago they had spent a night almost exactly the same. Crying into each others hair and being comforted by old childhood rituals.
They knew each other better than they knew themselves. Marissa didn't notice the way Summer banged her heel against her shin in an effort to stop crying in movies. Not until she saw the bruises the next day. She didn't realize she hummed My Darling Clementine in ads until Summer joined her.
As she looked down and saw her almost blonde hair twining with Summer's, she remembered something that was half thought, half quote.
I could die right now and...I'm exactly where I want to be...this is where I loved you and you loved me.
Love was what saved you.
And there was only one person left in the world for all her love for Ryan.
Verity.
One