Fukuda had brought him to a house.
This was a house that he had never seen before. It had two floors. It was painted white. There was a tree in the front yard. There was a car in the driveway. People already lived in this house. It was small, smaller than the houses dad made them stay in, and much smaller than the castle. Sho knew that there were people inside of the house but couldn't feel their auras. That was because this house had normal people in it. Sho knew that most people in the world were not epsers. He knew that he had just been too used to being around other espers that being around normal people felt…weird.
He sort of wanted to go.
But not really because Fukuda wanted to be here. Fukuda had brought him here and it had to have been for a reason. Sho just didn't know the reason. He readjusted his backpack. The notebook in his backpack felt heavy even though he knew that it wasn't. It weighed no more than his sketchbook. Smelled bad, too, kind of like…the ground? And old paper. Yes, old paper. Also the smell that towels got when you left then on the ground for a couple of days. He didn't much want it in his backpack but he had it and now…and now he didn't know what to do with it.
Read it, obviously.
"Fukuda? Why are we here?" asked Sho finally. They had been staring at this house for a while now. Sho had no idea what this was about but he did know that there were other things that he could do. He could climb that tree or get back in the car and go someplace else or…or get back in the car and read dad's notebook…
Or whatever.
"Just…I need a minute." Said Fukuda. He thought that this would be easy. It had been thirty years…and this wasn't even his house! This wasn't even THE HOUSE! This was…this should have been easy. This whole thing should have just been…this easy thing…that he should have been able to do. Someone should have been able to do this. Sho deserved this. Sho deserved….he deserved to know…to know the things that his father would rather he didn't.
"For what? It's just a house. Are we going to visit the people inside or something? Because if they see us standing out here they're going to think that we're weirdos or something." Said Sho. He thought that he saw people from behind the curtains but he wasn't sure. It was hard to be sure when it came to normal people. Espers were easier to sense. He could sort of…but not really…sense normal people. Sometimes they could sense him. When he was little mom said that sometimes she could feel when he was there even if she didn't see him.
He wondered if she would have been able to sense him…
Part of him wanted that to be mom's house. Part of him wanted that to be where mom had moved to after she ran away. Part of him hoped as hard as he could that his mom would come out of that house and scoop him up in her arms like she had when he was little and…and he was going to live in this house with her forever…and then he would have his mom back. He wouldn't have minded it. Getting what he wanted and losing what he had. Getting mom back but also losing dad and big sis…it wouldn't be that bad…not really. Even though he would never see his big sis again….she bossed him around and treated him like he was a baby but he still liked playing with her and hanging out with her…and also the love and stuff…and leaving dad…dad would have him declared a traitor and…and that was why part of him felt bad about leaving dad but…
But he would be with mom again.
He wouldn't even ask her where she had been all these years. He wouldn't even ask her why she had just up and left him one day. Why she had left him all alone with just dad. Why she had told him for his whole life that she loved him but then she had just…left…one day. She hadn't even left a note on the fridge or anything. She had just….gone. She had gone and left him and…and she hadn't even though to take him back…but if she came out of that house and scooped him up and brought him inside to live with her forever….
If she did that then he would forgive her for everything.
"Sho….I really need a minute. This is a lot for me." Said Fukuda. He took a deep breath and tried to keep his aura steady. He kept his aura steady and his breathing steady and just…kept himself steady. He didn't move. He wanted…he wanted to go. He hadn't been back here since…since that day. That terrible day back when he had been…how old had he been? How old had the both of them been? They had been at the very edge of seventeen when…when it had happened.
This should not have been this difficult.
The past was in the past. The past was in the past and…and this was the present. Sho needed to be there. Sho had the right to be there. Sho had the right to know what happened…to know a sanitized version of what happened. To know a version of what happened that a nine year old could comprehend…and also keep to himself. Suzuki would have been pissed, to say the least, if he knew that Fukuda had brought his son to…
To this place.
"That's not a very big house." Said Sho. A lot? That house was tiny. He had gotten used to living in tiny houses, dad said that they were never going back to the Castle, but that was a tiny house even by his standards.
"It's not…it used to be bigger." Said Fukuda. It was smaller now. The house. Whatever of the house was left. It was white, now, this house. It was white and before it had been beige…but now it was white. Smaller. The windows were round, too. Modern. The door was more modern too. Just a large slab of brown wood. The windows were gone. Ugly knocker, too.
The old one had looked like a bird.
"What do you mean?" asked Sho
"This house…it used to be bigger…and now it's smaller. Used to be a different color too. It's all so…it's the same but also…it's different. Different." Said Fukuda
"Are you sure that it's the same house, then?" asked Sho
"Sho…please." Said Fukuda. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe. The air around him was muggy. Sticky. He had forgotten how bad summed in Seasoning City could be. How hot it got. How nice it was to just sit under the shade and just waiting for the sun to set. On those summer days when there was nothing on TV, the arcade was packed, and they'd already spent all their pocket money on manga and games and those weird sugar free milk pops that nobody but Touichirou liked. Heh. The company had probably gone under the minute he and Touichirou…and Suzuki…left for university.
He could do this.
"I mean if it's smaller and different then how do you know that it's the same house? We could be at a totally different house. Maybe if you asked the people inside-" said Sho
"It's the same house." Said Fukuda. He focused on his aura. This was the same house. Half of it may have been obliterated that day but…but it was still the same house. It had been rebuilt. This was the same house. The building was different, the people inside were strangers, and the tree in front was missing a few branches…
But this was the same house.
"How do you know?" asked Sho. They could have been at the wrong house. He could have been standing out in the sun for no reason. He hated the sun so much…why did they have to be in Japan during the summer? It was too hot. His shirt was sticking to him. He could barely breathe because it was so. He wished that they had been looking at this house from in the car. The view was just as good from in the car.
"Because….because I just do, ok?" asked Fukuda. He exhaled as best as he could. There was a tightness in his chest that made it hard to breathe in or out. This was…this was a bad idea. This was…he should have just…he shouldn't have…
Sho had a right to be here.
"But how can you be sure? If it's different then how can you be sure if it's the house that you're thinking of? And why are we here, anyway? Can we at least stand in the shade? It's hot out today. I think it's called high summer but that might come later. Can I at least wait in the car? I'm wearing long sleeves and long pants and-" said Sho
"Because….Sho, I really need you to give me a minute. Ok? Right now…this is a lot for me…and I just need you to…to give me that minute? Ok?" asked Fukuda. He just needed a minute to collect himself. This…he had thought that he could handle this. Being here. He hadn't been here in almost thirty years and he just…he maybe needed another thirty. Maybe he needed another thirty years to be ok with this…when he was sixty four and Sho was thirty nine…and that might not have been so bad. Sho could have brought his son or daughter and then Fukuda could explain to two generations what had gone wrong.
About the biggest mistake that Fukuda had ever made in his life.
If closes his eyes he can feel Touichirou…Suzuki. That was how he'd found his house, by his aura. That bedroom, front of the house on the left, had been Fukuda's second bedroom. Practically. How many sleepovers had they had? How many times had they sat up in the room dreaming of a better world? Playing at what they would do if they could remake the world? Well Fukuda had been playing. Touichirou had been serious about all of his plans…his crazy plans. His plans for the world, the future, what he would do if he ran the world….and how Fukuda would be his left hand. Touichirou and Tadashi, future rulers of the world.
He didn't want that. He had never wanted that.
All he had ever wanted was a friend. A best friend. He'd never had that many friends. He had never met anyone in his life who was like him…and that was what had drawn him to the guy who used to live in this house. When it was his house. When it was THE HOUSE. It may have been destroyed in the…accident. The…that what happened…it had…
Even though the walls had been replaced and the roof wasn't even the same shape and the windows didn't look in to…to what they were supposed to look in to…
He wanted to go.
"It's been one minute." Said Sho. He had set a timer on his phone. He held it up so Fukuda could see. He had been standing there with his eyes closed for a whole minute. The people were looking out their windows, now, and Sho felt sort of like they shouldn't have been there. Also a bead of sweat had gone from his head and down into his eye and it stung because of the salt and…and he just kind of wanted to get out of the sun.
"Sho…I think that I may need another, ok? I know that you're getting very restless and I don't blame you….but I need some time. I thought that I could handle it and…and this is just something I need some time to…to process." Said Fukuda. He thought that he was being reasonable. He thought that he was being very reasonable. He was making himself clear and…
And Sho was just a restless little boy.
That was all. He had been talking to Sho like he was old enough to possibly be able to understand how Fukuda felt. He was only nine. Sho…Sho had a right to be there but also…but also he had no idea why he was even there. Fukuda hadn't told him about this place. He hadn't told Sho that this was the house that his father grew up in. That this was the place where his father had lost control, killed both of his parents, and then gone to Fukuda covered in blood and….
Fukuda could still see it.
He could still feel it.
He could still hear it.
He could still smell and taste…copper. Iron. Blood.
But none of this was Sho's fault. Sho had nothing to do with any of this. Sho was a kid. Sho was nine. Sho had been born over a decade after it happened. Sho was too young for this…but he had no idea when he would have the chance to bring Sho here again. He had no idea when the time would come when he would be able to show Sho the house his father grew up in. The history that he was owed. The history that his father would never share with him. Fukuda…he was not Sho's father. There was no chance in hell that he could be Sho's father. He and Masami had started up with all of that years after he had been born and…and he wished….he wished that he could have just…he didn't even know. That he could have made a deal with God and turned back time and lived the life that he had wished that…that he would have lived…and also he wished that…that he could just…just…
He didn't even know.
But he did know that Sho was his responsibility. Sho was not Shigeko. If he were to bring Shigeko to this place….she wouldn't have given a damn. She didn't care about the past. She was like her father. She hadn't even looked back when he left…or when Masami left. Yes, maybe Shigeko should have been the one that he had brought here. She was more like Touichirou than Sho would ever be. She would have just taken a look around and then gone back to the car…or whatever. He didn't know. He was…upset. A little bit. With this. With himself. With himself for the way he felt.
All the ways he felt.
He turned into the worst sort of person when he was stressed. He was actually getting exasperated with Sho. Masami would have hated him if she knew the thoughts that he was having about her son. About how he was annoyed with him. About how he wanted to stick him in the car until he calmed down and Fukuda composed himself. About how he just…about how he just wanted Sho to…to shut up for just a minute. For him to just be quiet and let Fukuda compose his goddamned self for one goddamned minute. The only thing that he could think about was…was how he just wanted it to stop…already.
This mishmash in his mind of the past and the future.
He was thirteen and he was forty three. He was a grown man and he was a teenage boy. He was freaking out and he was on top of the world. He hated Suzuki Touichirou with every fiber of his being and he couldn't wait to go and visit his best friend. He had fallen in love with Touichirou's wife and he was planning on giving his best friend the pep talk to end all pep talks so his best friend will finally ask out that girl he had been staring at for the past few weeks. He wants to get out of the sun and he wants to go outside and play with his friend. He wants and he doesn't want and…and a lot of it is just…
He doesn't even know.
"I'll set another timer." Said Sho. He wondered what all of this was even about. It was just a house. There were houses everywhere. If they weren't going to live in it or talk to the people inside then what even was the point? The sun was out and it was beating down on him and we wanted to either go somewhere and play or go back to the air-conditioned car.
"Sho…when a person says that they need a minute they don't mean a literal minute. I just need some time to think, ok? It isn't easy for me to be here but I have to be here because…because you have to be here. Because you deserve to be here. Even though you're so young you deserve to be here." Said Fukuda
"What's so special about being here? It looks like all the other houses on this street." Said Sho
"It didn't always. It used to be beige, not white, and before that it was grey. The windows used to be…well the entire front of the house is new so there is no used to. The tree…the tree survived. It's a lot taller now. It's pretty much the only thing that survived." Said Fukuda. He wiped his eyes. He needed a minute but he didn't have a minute because Sho was getting restless and he had to think about Sho. He had promised Masami that he would look after Sho. He had promised Masami that he would be there for her only son. She had trusted him and he was not going to break her trust…he loved her more than anything….
"Survived what? Fukuda, what's going on?" asked Sho. He had never seen Fukuda like this before…and he didn't like it. Fukuda had always been so…happy. Or at least not upset. Sometimes he could be annoyed like when they took long plane rides and stuff. Now he looked like he was going to start crying or something.
Sho took Fukuda's hand in his.
Big sis did this whenever Sho was about to cry. This was what you were supposed to do when someone was sad. He had just never done this for anyone who wasn't big sis before. He had never done this for an adult before. It felt a bit backwards, being there for an adult, but Sho wasn't a baby anymore. Fukuda needed him and he would be there for Fukuda even if he wasn't totally sure how he was supposed to be there for him.
He was only nine. What could he do?
"Sho…this is the house your dad grew up in. Well it was. A long time ago something happened here….something not very nice. Now this house is here but…but it's still the same house." Said Fukuda. He took Sho's hand in his and got down to his level. Sho…Sho was staring at him like he had just grown a second head.
"….no it isn't. Dad didn't grow up here." Said Sho. Dad had been a kid like him once. He had seen the fort. He had been in the Treasure Room. He knew that dad had been a kid once but…but he was having trouble believing it. Dad was DAD. It was easier to think that he had come into the world as an adult. That he had come out his mom's stomach the way he was now, old and boring, and not a kid who used to live in a house and…stuff.
He couldn't believe it. So he didn't.
"He did. The house…the house was rebuilt years ago but this is where your dad grew up…and we used to spend a lot of time here. You see that tree? We used to hang out in the shade all summer and play in the leaves in the winter…well I would play and he would try to drown me in leaves…heh…I thought that he had been kidding. Back then….back then I had always thought that he had been kidding…but he hadn't been." Said Fukuda. He reigned his thoughts in. He needed to keep this to something that Sho could understand. He was just a little boy. He could only handle so much.
Fukuda was a grown man. He should have been able to handle this.
"Fukuda…what do you mean? My dad…he used to live here? Before I was born? With his…his mom and dad…and big sister?" asked Sho. There was so much about dad that he didn't know. There was so much about dad that he had never been told…like that he had lived in this house. Dad used to have a mom and dad and big sister too, probably….just like Sho did…
"No. Your father is an only child…thank God. He used to live here with his parents. Your grandmother and grandfather…they were the nicest people, Sho, and I am so sorry that you will never get to meet them." Said Fukuda. There was so much that he could say about the Suzuki's. They were….they had been such good people. They had just somehow ended up with Suzuki for a son and…and they had been so nice up until the very end. They did not deserve that had happened to them. Nobody deserved that. Fukuda's parents had been lost to illness and a car accident. That was…not a good way to go…but better than by their own son's hand.
"My grandparents? You knew them? Where are they? Do they still live there? Can we meet them? Can we-" said Sho. Suddenly he wanted to know things that he had never really thought about. He knew that mom and dad must have had moms and dads of their own but he had never met them before. He had never seen them with his own eyes and…and he had always just lived his life knowing that he did not have grandparents…he hadn't ever really even thought about them…but now he was.
He was thinking about a lot of stuff.
He was thinking about who dad and Fukuda had been when they were kids. He as thinking about how they used to be kids like he and big sis were kids. He was thinking about how he was a kid now but one day he wouldn't be a kid. He would be an adult like dad and Fukuda were adults and then…and then would he have to bring his son to the Castle? If it was even there? Would he bring his son to the Castle and…and then what? What was the point?
What was the point of showing him this house if…if they weren't going to go inside?
What was the point of any of it? The past was in the past. There was no point in asking Fukuda what dad had been like as a kid. If he had liked fighting movies and art and dart guns and building forts and climbing and…and all of that stuff. Dad was who he was now. Who he had been in the past didn't matter…and that meant that…that the way Sho felt made no sense at all.
Why did he even care about dad? Who he had been? When he knew who dad was now….
"Sho….years ago something happened here. An accident. Your dad...he lost con-he lost his parents. He lost his parents in an accident and…and most of the house, too." Said Fukuda. He wasn't going to tell Sho the whole story. Sho…he was nine. He did not need to know this story because if Fukuda told him the whole truth then…then he might end up being afraid of himself. He saw the trouble his sister had controlling her powers. He had powers of his own. He was Touichirou's son. The same…whatever….that flowed through his father's veins flowed through his and…and while he hadn't been taken by the same…madness? Insane and insatiable lust for power? Just general oddness? He didn't know.
He did know that Sho was normal and he was going to keep him that way.
"So they're dead?" asked Sho. He felt…he didn't really know how he felt. On the one hand Sho knew that he was supposed to be sad. He had heard that people were dead, not only any people but his own grandparents, and he knew that he had to be sad…but on the other hand he had never even met these people so they….their deaths didn't hit him hard…not that he had ever known anyone who had died before…
"Yes…they died before you were born…and I am so sorry. I just wanted…you deserved to know. There's no reason to keep the past from you. You are your father's son and you have a right to-" said Fukuda
"What about mom's parents? Are they dead too?" asked Sho. He knew that he was never supposed to think about or talk about mom but Fukuda would not tell on him. Fukuda cared about him and stuff…and also mom. He seemed even sadder now that Sho had mentioned mom…maybe because she and Fukuda had been best friends back when she had been around.
"Sho. I don-don't know about-" said Fukuda
"Does she have any brothers and sister? Are they alive too? Where do they all live?" asked Sho
"I don't know." Said Fukuda
"Is my mom from Seasoning City too? Did she grown up here too?" asked Sho
"I don't think so but I'm not sure." Said Fukuda. He was trying his best…and his best was not good enough. He didn't know much about Masami's pre Suzuki past…and now he wished that he had asked her more about…about everything. That way he would have had something to tell her son. But there was no way for Sho to know about….about any of that, now, because Masami was gone. She had a different address and phone number and email address and maybe even a new name, too, and possibly even a new face if she had taken enough money with her when she disappeared.
He just didn't know.
"What do you know about her? About her mom and dad and when she was a kid and stuff like that?" asked Sho
"Sho…listen to me. I have no idea about your mom's parents. I have no idea about your mom's parents but…but we need to get going now. There's….there's one more stop that I have to make." Said Fukuda. He knew that they should have stayed longer, that he should have answered any and all questions that Sho could possibly have thought to ask him…but he had to go. He had to go and…and they had…they had one more stop to make…
Because he had no clue if or when they would ever come back.
"….ok." said Sho. At this point he was just going to go with it. Part of him, the stupid part of him, hoped that Fukuda was taking him to mom's house. That mom had a house in this city or an apartment or even a box by the side of the road. He didn't care. He just wanted to see her again…but he knew that Fukuda wasn't taking him to mom. They were on a sightseeing tour of the past, it seemed, but mom would not be on it. She was gone and he knew that he was never going to see her again…so he just said ok. Fukuda had somewhere to take him and, of course, he would go with.
Hopefully it wasn't to another house this time.