A/N: Howdy All! I'm setting up a challenge! I would really love if any of you guys wanted to respond, and I'm not exactly sure how these things work, so anyone whose interested please just email me and I'll send you the line I have for the challenge.My email is for major(underscore)chicken(at)hotmail(dot)com for anyone who wants to contact me. Please head the emails"Challenge". Or better yet, just review and leave your email address and what you would like! Thank you all very much for reading this story, and this long authors note. I wouldn't be able to keep writing without all your wonderful reviews! Love CBS
She never would have found him if she hadn't know where to look. But she did know. She'd know for a long time. She wondered why she hadn't looked before but she already knew the answer to that.
The plane ride had been hell. She was still breast-feeding Verity, so even a hundred thousand feet in the air, her baby's cries reached her. But the flight to San Francisco wasn't that long, and she knew that Summer would be taking care of her baby. That at least, was true.
"What am I going to do while you're gone?" he whined her as she packed her bag. Marissa was heading up to LA for the weekend, and Ryan was staying in Newport. Seth was over for the month, and they didn't want to give him a chance to slip away.
"I don't know, how about…one of those massive Playstation tournaments you and Seth love so much?"
"I don't know maybe…maybe we'll go to San Francisco while you're gone!"
"San Fran? Why? I mean, it's lovely, but you're the one who wanted to stay in Newport."
"If I go there, I know I'll be loved,"
"And why's that?"
"I'm a sexy guy. I'm sure I'd feel the love if I wandered into a gay bar."
"There are gay bars here," she replied, taking his bait.
"Yeah but not gay bars"
"That's a bit stereotypical of you"
"Hey! It's not like made up the reputation! God, I just suggest something and you -"
"What're you doing?"
"I'm just saying, I -"
"What you're doing mister, is picking a fight, so you can fume at me while I'm gone, and not miss me"
"So you caught me"
"Sometimes I feel like I'm your mother"
Dawn had never seen dawn.
Well, not in Ryan's lifetime. His birth mother, who had sought only to please his father.
"You know how your father feels about that Ryan, so no more of that silly crying…I'm sure your knee will be fine. No. Stop. If you don't stop I'll have to tell daddy. That's better"
The father who had offered her a life time of safety and oppression, which he sold to a drug dealer. Who had shared happy times with his family, that could be counted on one hand. He had given her ruby earrings once. It seemed ironic to him, even at six years old.
A gift of blood.
A reminder and a premonition
Love hurts.
He'd tell you that any day.
Love clawed at your soul, it demanded to be let in. It screamed and railed and cried and bit.
Love made you bleed.
It made you feel and hurt and wish and punch and kiss and break and tear.
It made you love.
Ryan loved without meaning to. He loved when it was better not to. His heart always seemed to leave the back door unlocked. He was pretty sure it was one of those swinging doors. You open it for someone and it comes back and hits you in the face. And the thing is, with those stupid doors, people can always get through.
Now, we have to remember something here. Inner dictation is something we all do. Ongoing and mindless musings and mumblings. Often circulating about something we don't want to think about. Ever.
His mother for instance. She popped into his mind when he needed to be doing something. He worried about her.
howisshe?worry,worry,worry.imustntworry.shesfine.whereisshe?maybeishouldcallher.tobesure.but,ineedto…notcallher.but,whatissheneedstotalktome.doesshehavetonumber?whatifshessick?whatifshesloneley?iknowwheresheis.physically.shedoesnthavemynumber.shellbeworried.ihateworryingher.but,but,but,but,but…
Kirsten, who had been determined to keep him out of the house, had somehow let him into her heart. Her door was different. It had a doorman, and a queue. And somehow, he had ended up in that queue. And been bounced up. He never wanted to be there. That was something else wrong with his heart. It was like a caravan. A caravan with a God-damn swinging door. It would rumble along and he'd hop out to see where it had taken him. That time, he'd somehow ended up shuffled onto a faintly purple carpet, standing behind a gold rope. The doorman had politely tipped his hat, "It won't be long now, she did pull you here." The door had opened a few times, and people had been thrown out. Caleb took his place in the line behind Ryan. And then, he was given a pass and let in. the pass said UNCONDITIONAL. He then went and joined Sandy and Seth in the U section.
And once love was there, it settled down. Ryan never stopped loving. His heart was too full. He was scared it would spill over. So many people had walked through that door. That damn door. If you bolted it from the inside, people just pulled it open, and they could unlock it from the outside.
Seth and Sandy walked in the front door of his heart. Just walked right on in and settled down.
No questions
No Answers
Just Love.
-----------------------------Love-------------------Was
------------------ Something-----He---------Could------Never
---------------Shut-------------------OUT.-------------------It
-------------Invaded-------------------------------------------And
--------------Dared------------------------------------------Him
---------------To---------------------------------------Imagine
----------------Life------------------------------------Without
------------------It.----------------------------------------He
--------------------Loved-------------------------------Too
---------------------Much------------------------------He
-----------------------Let--------------------------Them
--------------------------All-------------------------In,
----------------------------But--------------------She
------------------------------Was---------------The
--------------------------------One------------He
----------------------------------Couldn't---Get
----------------------------------------OUT.
So he wasn't really surprised when she pulled up the stool next to him in one of San Francisco's gay bars.
But, to his horror, he felt his heart recognise her. And once it remembered the love her had for Marissa.
All that pain came crashing down again.