Sho was home now.
Not home. No, the Castle was home. He was just back at the house where dad and big sis and him had been staying. This was sort of like their home. It was a house with walls and a roof and all of their stuff was in it. Big sis and dad were still inside. He had been worried, a little, that they were planning on moving without him.
But big sis would never have done that to him.
Also they couldn't move. Fukuda had said that big sis had made a big mess when she took over Claw because she let people transfer wherever they felt like and pretty much everyone had decided to transfer to Tokyo. Sho didn't see what was so awesome about Tokyo. Shanghai was cooler. New York too, there was that big Christmas tree. Also pretty much all of Australia was cooler because there were kangaroos and kangaroos were awesome. He sort of wanted to move…
But also not really.
He wanted to just stay in place where things made sense. A place where dad was old and a mean jerk and Fukuda was also old but never a jerk and big sis was big sis and Sho wasn't expected to know about anything from the past or want to know or anything like that. Here he was Sho and dad was dad and big sis was big sis. He missed little sis, he couldn't wait to see her again, but he didn't want to be making any trips to Seasoning City any time soon. He didn't want to hear any more about the olden days when dad and Fukuda were kids and stuff like that.
He really didn't care.
He didn't care if his dad had been the nicest guy who ever lived. Dad was still dad. He was a jerk in the now times and he was a jerk in the olden days, too. Fukuda said that dad was a jerk because he was scared of himself and what he could do. Sho didn't know if he believed that. Why did that need a reason? Somehow it felt like giving him a reason was making excuses for him….unless it was something that he couldn't help. Like when he had been watching baby sis and then she threw up on Minegishi and he tried telling them that baby sis was just a baby and she didn't know what she was doing and then Minegishi said that baby sis had specifically turned her head to throw up on them…
Sure baby sis should not have been throwing up on people, that was never not gross, but she couldn't help it.
Baby sis was a baby though and dad was an adult. He was so old that they didn't even have phones when he was a kid. The fun kind that you could watch videos on, not the boring kind that only called people. Dad was old and there was nothing stopping him from acting like something other than a jerk except for himself…..unless maybe that was just how Suzuki's were. Something else that Sho worried about. Fukuda had said that his grandparents had been very nice people but Sho knew that when a person died you were only supposed to say good things about them.
So he did not know.
He didn't know if he was a jerk because he was a Suzuki or if there was just something wrong with him but he did know that he did not want to be a jerk anymore. He knew that when dad died and he had to take his own son or daughter or whatever to visit dad's ashes he wouldn't have any good things to say. His whole family, him and his kids and whatever girl ended up making him get married to her, would just be standing there in front of the ashes with nothing to say. His family wouldn't even know dad. Sho didn't want to leave his kids alone with dad ever. They wouldn't deserve to be treated the way dad treated them. The girl he ended up having to marry, too, because even if she made him marry her and kiss her and all of that stuff she still didn't deserve to be treated the way that dad was probably going to treat her.
When dad got old he was going to an old folk's home.
When dad became an old man Sho was going to send him to live in one of those places where they put old people to take care of them and wait for them to die and stuff. Either that or big sis could take care of him. Sho didn't want to have to take of dad when he died. He didn't even think that he could. Whenever he pictured dad as an old man and him as a regular man he always imagined doing the meanest things to him like…like treating him the way that he had been treating Sho all of these years. Because dad would still have his powers, unless those got worse when you got old too, but he would be all fragile and stuff. Sho didn't know any old people, dad and Fukuda were the oldest people that he knew, but he did know that they were super fragile and broke their bones easily. Also they took a lot of pills and if dad was mean Sho could hide them…
He did not want to grow up to be a jerk.
He was already a jerk and he was only nine and a half. If he kept on acting like a jerk then he would turn into dad by the time that he was ten or eleven. He didn't want that. He didn't know how to stop that but he didn't want that. He just…had to stop. But it was hard because sometimes he just got so angry and things just…happened. He just lost control when he got angry enough and he just…hit things and broke things and said the meanest things…especially to big sis.
He had to say sorry.
Saying sorry would be the first step that he could make towards being less of a jerk. He just had to walk through the door and say sorry. Even though it was either very late or very early. He wasn't sure. What he was sure about, however, was that he needed to go inside. The bugs were starting to come out and the sky was turning pink and he was very tired. He and Fukuda ended up taking the late train, the cars had to stay near the Seventh Division to take those guys around and stuff, so they'd had to take a train in and trains were impossible to sleep in.
He was tired.
He knew that he had to open the door and he knew that he was being dumb by not opening the door so he was just going to open the door already. He opened it slowly so that he didn't wake anyone up. If he woke big sis up then he would have been acting like a jerk and if he woke dad up then he would have been in big trouble. He opened the door quietly and took off his shoes just as quietly. He let them his the ground as quietly as possible but winced when they hit big sis's. Now both of their shoes were lighting up and he was going to wake up the whole house and-
And he was being dumb.
Nobody could see the tiny shoe lights from where they were sleeping. Everyone was sleeping in their rooms, not the genkan or the living room or the kitchen or anyplace like that, so of course the itty bitty shoe lights wouldn't wake anyone up. Sho was just being dumb, that was all, and that was normal. He was just a dub jerk. The biggest and dumbest jerk in the whole world.
He felt bad.
He wanted…he wanted to be home. Not here but his real home. He closed his eyes. He knew what home smelled like. Even after three years he still remembered what home smelled like. This was not home. Home smelled like cinnamon and floor cleaner and mom's cooking and also that weird smell that was just…their family. This house didn't even smell like their family. It smelled like…paint, sort of, but also…ketchup? There was a ketchup smell to the house. That was normal. Dad liked ketchup. So maybe the house smelled like dad…or whatever. He didn't know.
He did know that this was not his home.
Dad's shoes were there. His shoes were the same. He had been wearing the same shoes for all of Shio's life. Big sis' shoes were there, too. They were blue and lit up. Also they were bigger. His shoes were there too, next to hers, and his feet were actually a little bigger than hers now. Both of them had bigger shoes now. Dad made them throw away the shoes that mom had gotten them when they had gotten too small. They didn't have any of the shoes or clothes or toys that mom had gotten them. Those toys were from three years ago. They were either back at the Castle or in some of Claw houses or in storage. When he grew up he was going to put all of his old stuff in the Treasure Room.
Not the one at the Castle.
Because that house was probably gone or something by now. The Treasure Room in the old house had been full of stuff….dad's stuff. Fukuda said that after the house fell down, that was part of the very bad thing that happened to dad's parents, that he and dad had spent days and days collecting anything that they could and storing it for the future. Sho didn't want his things in that treasure room. He would make his own treasure room in his own house and show it to his own kids when he grew up. Then they would know him and stuff. Then they wouldn't have to be taken on surprise trips to get to know him and the history of his life and stuff.
But that would be in the future.
It wasn't the future, though, it was right now. It was right now and he was tired. He put his backpack down next to his shoes as quietly as he could. Then he started creeping through the house on his tiptoes. The sun was coming out and the sky was turning colors, the birds were waking up too, and he was so tired….he needed sleep. He needed to get to bed…and see big sis. It would be nice to sleep in the same room as her again. They had shared a room since the day that he had been born. Sleeping away from her was…weird. It was weird when he was alone in the room and she slept with dad but it just did not feel right when he was far away from her.
He loved big sis.
He loved her a lot…and stuff. Even if she was bossy and stuff he still loved her. Even if dad liked her best, and he had never not liked her best, he still loved her. Even if he had been such a jerk to, the biggest jerk to her, he still loved her. He loved her and he missed her and…and he wanted to be with her. He had been away from her for days and days…and maybe that was for the best. When he was away from her then he couldn't hurt her. Maybe it was just best for the both of them, then, that he stayed away and stuff….but then if he stayed away he would miss her. The best thing to do would be to stay away but…but he could just work harder at being nice to her. At not having mean thoughts about her. At not thinking mean things like he wanted to hit her or fight her or make her bleed…and he had only thought about doing that because dad…
Sho was not dad.
He went as quietly as he could to the bedroom. He opened the door as slowly as he could and walked in on his tip toes even though that really hurt his feet and stuff. People were not supposed to walk like this but he didn't want to wake big sis up…but her bed was empty. It was still made and her stuffed animals and dolls and stuff were still arranged on it. She hadn't slept in it at all…but he could still feel her aura. She was still in the house but…but he knew where she was.
She was sleeping with dad.
He didn't get why she liked to sleep next to dad. Didn't she get enough of him during the daytime? Why wasn't she in her own bed waiting for him to come back? Didn't she miss him? Didn't she care? Or maybe…maybe she was happy that he was gone. Maybe she was happy that he had left and then she and dad could be happy together. The thought of it hurts…but it would make sense. He was a jerk. He was the biggest jerk in the world…
So of course big sis didn't want anything to do with him.
He took off his clothes and tossed them down on the floor. He needed to sleep and he didn't want to sleep in his daytime clothes because that would be uncomfortable. Also he had sleep shorts and T-shirts. Those were more comfortable than wearing long sleeves and long pants all the time. He hated it when he had to be around normal people. He had to dress like that because they would see his scars and ask questions even though his scars were none of their business. He was so happy to be away from normal people.
Auras all around him.
He could feel dad and big sis in the house, big sis' friends next door, and then Claw people all around in the other houses. He could feel Fukuda, too, and normally he would have wanted to be with him. Normally he would have just gone and spent time with Fukuda and stuff but now…now he just sort of wanted to be with his family…with big sis. She at least never tried to tell him about the past and stuff. No, if she had been there she would have told him that he needed to sleep in socks to keep his feet warm. She would have told him that he had to wear pajama sets that matched. She would have told him to brush his teeth before he went to bed.
She wasn't there to tell him anything.
He went over to her side of the drawers. His socks were there, the ones he had with the flames on them, and he felt scared then. That was where he had hid the baby sock and if she had taken it…she hadn't. His socks had just wandered over to her side. He didn't know how that could have happened. There were no mistaking his socks for hers. His socks were cool. They had his characters on it but also he had a pair with flames and one with blue flames and one that made it look like he was bleeding and also he had a lot of Zootopia socks. Her socks were white or pink or had lace on them or were sparkly or were from Frozen. Boring girl socks.
Why had she had his socks?
She might have been trying to get at Mukai's baby sock. He needs to hide it in a different place, a place where she can't find it and take it from him, because this is all he has…well no. He has another one of her baby socks. He had taken it from her when he had gone to visit. Stealing was wrong and stealing from a baby was even more wrong but he needed it more than she did. She had a whole drawer full of little baby socks. He only had one….now two….of her little baby socks. He didn't know why he had taken it to remember her by since he knew that he would see her again one day…but he had taken it. He had taken it so he could…because he had no idea when he would see her again. What if the next time he saw her she had grown out of her little baby socks? What if she turned into a little kid but the next time he saw her? He didn't know if he could handle that. He didn't know if he could handle the next time he saw her she was walking and talking and drawing and stuff.
But at least he would get to see her again.
Big sis was never going to see her again. Seeing baby sis had to be a secret and big sis could not keep secrets from dad. She was a terrible secret keeper but she especially could not keep any secrets from dad. She had let dad figure out that she liked Shimazaki after all…and the thought makes him so mad…but he needs to stop being mad because he does not want to be a jerk to her. He shouldn't even care anymore since dad had beaten him up and there was no way to un-beat him up so that part was all over with now.
He was not going to be a jerk to big sis.
He takes the baby sock out from it's hiding place and leaves it on her pillow. There. She'll come in and see it and know that he's done being a jerk to her. She could have it. He had one of his own and he had more memories of baby sis, too. That was…that wasn't fair to her but their lives had never been fair. She had been born right and he had been born wrong. Dad loved her and not him. Dad let her do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted but he wasn't allowed to do anything. Things had always been unfair between them…
These were jerk thoughts.
These were jerk thoughts that he was having and he needs to stop having them. He needs to stop being a jerk and just…be a nice person. Even though he's never been a nice person for even one day out of his life. Mom wants him to be a nice person…but she's gone now. She wants him to be her sweet and gentle boy but she's gone and he has no idea where she even is…and it feels bad. Thinking about mom makes him feel bad. He feels cold and alone. He is cold and alone. He's alone in his bedroom and dad always kept the air conditioning turned up as high as it would go. Probably because he wore a suit all the time even when he wasn't working. Big sis always overdressed too. Those dresses that she always wore were so hot and itchy. He didn't know why she didn't just wear normal clothes. There were so many places in the world to buy normal clothes but she wore costumes everywhere. She didn't know how good she had it. She could wear short sleeved shirts and shorts…or skirts which actually looked very breezy for the summer time…and she could dress however she wanted and be however she wanted…and it just wasn't fair and…
And he was thinking jerk thoughts about her.
He wants to be near her but…but he's also thinking jerk thoughts about her. Maybe he is a jerk. Maybe there's no point in trying to change because he is, was, and always would be a jerk. Maybe big sis was just better off without him. Maybe he was better off on his own. Maybe nobody wanted him. His own mom had left him all alone and-
And he doesn't want to think like this.
He doesn't want to think like this and he doesn't want to be alone. So he decides not to be. He knows where big sis is…and he wants to be with her. The only problem was that she was with dad and dad hated it when Sho got into bed with him. At least he had when Sho had been very little. Dad had thrown him back into his own bed and told him that he was being annoying and stuff. Mean stuff…
He missed big sis.
He wouldn't wake dad up. That was what he decided. He was going to be very quiet. He was just….he was going to be very quiet. That was all. So that was what he did. He walked as quietly as he could through the house and to dad's room. He opened the door as quietly as he could. Slowly, too, so he could run away and pretend that the wind did it if dad was to wake up. He didn't wake up, though, as Sho opened the door. He was dead asleep. That was how he looked when he slept, like he was dead, because he slept on his back with his hands folded like the dead people did at funerals. Not that Sho had ever been to a funeral before, no, but he had seen them in movies.
If he got caught it was his funeral.
He didn't want to get caught but he didn't want to be alone either. He wanted to be near people that…that he understood. He had thought that he understood Fukuda, he was nice and fun and stuff, but then he had been all quiet and sad all day. When they had gone to the fort and the house and the graveyard….well it made sense to be sad when he was in a graveyard because it was full of dead people and stuff but still. He didn't like seeing Fukuda all sad like that. It didn't make sense. Nothing about yesterday had made sense. Dad and big sis made sense…even though he knew a lot more about how dad had been who he was now made sense….and big sis had never changed since they had been little so, really, he felt better with his family…
He had never felt better with his dad in his entire life.
But he felt better being with big sis. He walked over to her side of the bed. She was asleep. She was all wrapped around dad's arm and she was asleep. Mom used to sleep like that. Sometimes he and big sis would wake mom and dad up when they slept in. Dad would be asleep on his back and mom would be using his chest as a pillow. Sometimes his arm would be around her like he was trying to keep her safe or something. That wasn't how he and big sis were sleeping next to each other. He was on his back but his hands weren't folded. Big sis was holding on to him like she wanted him to keep her safe from something.
Probably from Sho.
Sho knelt down and rested his head on the bed. It felt sort of like they wanted him there. He knew that if he got into bed with them then dad would wake up and kick him out. That was just how dad was. He didn't want Sho to be near him. No matter how many new powers he got or how much older he got dad would always like big sis best…and it hurt. Why couldn't he like Sho best? His control was better and he could learn things and do things and he wasn't…he wasn't second best….even though dad thought that he was. Dad had always seen him as second best. Second born and second best. If big sis had been a boy, if she had been Shigeo instead of Shigeko, and if he had been Shoko instead of Sho, then dad wouldn't have even kept him around. Like Fukuda said. Dad would have just left him back at the Castle with someone to watch him while he took big sis around with him and stuff.
It wasn't fair.
Those were more jerk thoughts. He was having jerk thoughts even though he had decided not to be a jerk. Maybe that just went to show that no matter what he did he would always be a jerk. Maybe it just went to show that no matter what he did he would always be himself. He didn't know. All he knew was that he wanted to be up on that bed with his family…even though he knew that the only person who would have wanted him in that bed would have been big sis.
"Sho?" He got up fast. Fast enough to make the bed move. Big sis was awake and she as sitting up and rubbing the sleep from her eyes. He doesn't think. He just runs out of the room. His powers help him, he picks himself up and runs without making a sound, and he keeps on running until he makes it to his room. He throws himself on his bed and hided under the covers even though he knew for a fact that dad didn't care if he ran and hid.
It just made him madder.
Sho felt all the muscles in his body tense up. He needs to move. He needs to get out of there. He wants to get out of the house and keep himself safe because he knows that he probably woke dad up and now he was in for it and he hadn't even been home for an hour but he was going to get hit and he didn't want to get hit and now he was scared of getting hit and…and he had been able to spend days and days not having to worry about getting hit…but now he did. Now he was very worried. Worried and tense and…and he did not want to get hit…..
He felt an aura.
There was a knock at the door. That was big sis. Dad never knocked…well nobody in their family ever knocked….but if someone was going to start knocking then it would be big sis since she was nice like that and stuff. She was always so nice to him…even when she was being all bossy and boring. He could feel her aura. She was there…but no dad. He was still asleep, it felt like, but Sho wasn't going to check harder because then he might end up accidentally waking dad up and stuff. He doesn't want that…he could never want that…
But he does want big sis.
"You can come in." said Sho. He used his powers to open the door for her. He could do that without looking now. Dad had called it impressive, how he could move things without looking at them, but that had been years and years ago. Dad never called him impressive anymore. Dad never said nice things to him anymore. Dad might have decided to never say anything nice to him again just to be a jerk. He had always been like that. Fukuda had said, but Sho could not help but take it sort of personally sometimes…even though he knew that he shouldn't have.
"Sho! I'm so happy that you're back!" said big sis. Her aura even felt happy. He was still under the blankets but he could feel her standing over him. He decided to come out from underneath his blankets. He wanted to see her and…and she had wanted to see him. Even after he had been such a jerk to her. Even after he had told her that he wanted to beat her up so bad that she bled…she was still happy to see him.
He sat up.
"I missed you too." Said Sho. That was all the he could say. He didn't trust himself to say anything else. He wanted to cry. He hated it so much, him feeling like he wanted to cry, and he had been feeling that a lot lately. He didn't let himself cry. No.
He hugged her.
She hugged him back. There was no delay at all. He was sitting up in bed and hugging and she was hugging him back even though this was not at all a comfortable way to hug someone…but what did he know about hugs? He couldn't even remember the last hug that he had given…to big sis at least. He had hugged little sis goodbye but that was different. He had never once been a jerk to little sis.
But he was always such a jerk to big sis.
"Sho…I'm so glad that you're back…and that you love me again." said big sis. That was such a stupid thing to say and she was stupid for saying it. Of course he still loved her. They were brother and sister. He would never stop loving her. Even when she was a bossy jerk, even when she was treating him like he was a little baby, even when she made them watch boring movies and play boring games he still loved her.
Even when he had jerk thoughts he still loved her.
"I never stopped loving you, dummy. I was just kind of a jerk…like just now…and also before. I'm sorry." said Sho. He let go of her first. She hugged him for a little bit after he let her go before she let go too. She looked at him and then her bed before sitting down on his bed next to him. He made room for her as best as he could. They used to be able to share beds with room to spare but that was when they had been very little. They were bigger now, nine and ten, but right now…he sort of felt like they were little again.
Had it really been that long since they'd hugged?
"No, you don't have to be sorry. You never have to say sorry. I love you, Sho, and I don't care how you treat me. When you love someone then they can treat you however they like because…because you love them." Said big sis. He hated that she had said that. It didn't matter if she cared that he was a grade a jerk. She should have cared but she didn't but that didn't matter because HE cared.
He was not going to grow up to be a jerk like dad.
Maybe that was what Fukuda had been trying to teach him. That dad had lived a totally normal life but even with a normal life and parents who loved him and stuff he had still grown up to be a jerk because he had never tried to not be a jerk. That would have made sense. Maybe dad was so scared of himself that he had to be a jerk or whatever to keep people away from him…or whatever. It didn't matter why dad was a jerk. Sho didn't care about whys and hows of it. Sho just wanted to know how he could grow up to never be anything like his jerk of a dad.
The first step was to say sorry, which he had already done, and the second step was to be nice.
Fukuda had said that it was ok to hit big sis and call her names so long as he was sorry about it. He was sorry about it, he had trouble controlling himself when he got upset but he was still sorry about what he did, but he still did it again and again and again. He needed to be better. He was almost ten, he would be ten on the first day of December and it was only July but still time could move sort of fast sometimes, and he didn't want to turn then and then eleven and twelve and stuff and still be a jerk. If that happened then he would grow up to be a jerk just like dad.
And he didn't want that.
"I care that I was a jerk to you. I'm sorry. Sometimes I just get so mad and…and I don't know what I'm doing-" said Sho
"I know that you don't know what you're doing when you get mad. I don't mind. I still love you and I know that even if you hurt me that you'll always love me." Said big sis
"Big sis just…you should care. I'm trying not to get mad or call you names or anything but I just…you should care. I care so you should care. Big sis…I'm so sorry." said Sho
"Sho, you said that already and I already said that I forgive you. I love you more than anything, little brother, and if loving you means that sometimes you're going to be mean to me then…that it's worth it to have a little brother like you." Said big sis. Sho wanted to slap her. He wanted to slap her so hard that she stopped forgiving him. She never got angry. He hadn't seen her angry in years….and that was the worst part. If she had been angry with him, if she had hit him and shouted at him and stuff, then it would have been easier to…to stop being a jerk…and also he would have felt better about himself.
Because now he just felt like the worst person who had ever lived.
"Big sis…I said that I wanted to beat you up so bad that I made you bleed. I felt that and I wanted it to happen even though I knew that it was wrong and…and I just wish that you would be made about that or about…about everything. I just wish that you would be mad at me." Said Sho
"No. You know that I could never be mad at you." Said big sis
"Yeah, I know. You're never mad because you love me and I love you too but I get mad at you and now I just feel like a jerk because…because I can't be like you. I can't just…never be mad. I get so mad sometimes and it just…it's like I turn into a different person. I do things that I know are wrong and I think things that I know are wrong and I just…don't like myself." Said Sho. He wiped his eyes once and he would have wiped them again if big sis hadn't beat him to it. She took a handful of her nightgown and wiped his tears away with it.
"Sho. No. I never want to hear you say that you don't like yourself ever again. There is nothing in this world that should ever make you dislike yourself. You are my little brother and I want you to be happy. You…you have better control over your powers than me…and you're a lot better at talking things and stuff like that than me…and I just wish that…sometimes I wish that I were you. That's all. Because….because you're such a good person." Said big sis. She was talking nonsense. She was talking like she had gone crazy. She wanted to be him? BIG SIS wanted to be him? Why? Dad loved her. Dad loved her and she got to be in charge and do whatever she wanted. She got to hang out and have fun all day, she thought that work was fun, and she almost never got hit and dad spent time with her without being mean to her and Shimazaki liked her back and everyone liked her better and it just…it wasn't fair!
He tucked his hands under his legs.
He was not going to be mean to her. He was not going to hit her. He was going to be a good big brother to Mukai and not set a bad example, even if she wasn't there he still felt like she was, and he was going to be a good little brother to big sis and not be a jerk to her a millisecond after he said that he felt bad about being such a jerk to her.
"Big sis….Shigeko. Why would you want to switch places with me? You get to be in charge and you get to do whatever you want and…and people like you. Everyone likes you and-" said Sho
"They like you too. Just yesterday we were all in dad's office eating Jell-O, you missed green Jell-O day by the way but tomorrow is double chocolate chip cookie day so that's even better, but anyway we were in dad's office eating Jell-O and we were all talking about how much we missed you. Well not dad, he was just sort of poking at his Jell-O like he thought that it was alive or something, but me and Shibata and Shimazaki were talking about how much we missed you and wanted you back." Said big sis. Sho felt…he didn't know how he felt. Well bad that dad hadn't wanted him to come back but what else could he expect. He felt good that big sis had wanted him back and he was looking forward to Shibata tossing him in the air and…and he felt kind of weird that Shimazaki had missed him.
All squirmy inside.
Because he really wanted to be his friend. He was the coolest guy in the world, aside from liking big sis back and all, and of course Sho wanted to be friends with the coolest guy in the world. Plus he wasn't going to end up being boyfriend and girlfriend with big sis so Sho didn't have to beat him up. Also he was all healed up from when dad had beaten him up so they could hang out and steal cookies or soap up hallways or put the forks in with the spoons or follow people around or build a furniture fort or whatever he wanted to do.
"He…said that he missed me?" asked Sho
"Yes. He said that things were more fun with you around. Also why did you teach him the 'see food' thing? It's gross." Said big sis
"Because it's funny. You just don't understand because you're a girl and for you gross stuff is just gross and not funny." Said Sho
"I don't see what's so funny about the 'see food' thing and dad doesn't either and he's a boy." Said big sis
"Dad doesn't think that anything is funny. He's been that way since he was a kid." Said Sho. He wished that there was an undo button for life. He should not have said that. His trip with Fukuda should have been a secret. Fukuda told him that it had to be a secret. Otherwise dad would find out and get mad. He couldn't tell anyone at all in the whole world. Not even his own big sis.
"Do you really think so?" asked big sis. Sho nodded. He had to lie to her. He knew that lying was a jerk move but he had to do it to keep himself safe. Well he could take whatever dad could dish out. It was more Fukuda he was worried about. He had told dad's secrets and dad…he did not like people who told secrets. He called those people traitors and he did awful things to them…and Sho did not want to be responsible for anything like that happening to anyone he loved. Especially Fukuda.
"Yeah, probably. I mean he doesn't think that anything's funny now so he must have been this way for his whole life." Said Sho
"You're probably right…but I'm glad that you're back. Shimazaki is right, you do make things more fun." Said big sis
"Did he say anything else about me?" asked Sho
"Um…just that he missed you and that things were boring without you. Then we talked about what flavor green is supposed to be. Shimazaki said that it tasted like lime and I said that it just tasted like green and then Shibata said-" said big sis
"But he didn't say anything else about me?" asked Sho
"No….sorry. But you can see him again today. Dad says that we're going to have to stay put for a while because a lot of stuff is all tangled around from when he was gone. Everyone wanted to transfer to Tokyo and dad can't tell who is and is not supposed to be there. He says that it'll take a while to fix on top of the other stuff that he does so you and Shimazaki can have a lot of time to hang out and stuff since dad's mostly just doing office work…and me too…and maybe you too. Dad hasn't said." Said big sis
"Did dad say anything about me at all?" asked Sho
"No. He hasn't mentioned you at all…I'm sorry." said big sis. Sho didn't know what he had been expecting. Dad was dad. Of course had hadn't mentioned Sho…even if it was just to say that he was glad that Sho was gone so he could spend time with the kid who he actually liked and all of that. Sho didn't care. So what if dad hadn't even mentioned his only Son? So what if dad didn't even care about Sho or who he was or how he felt or-or-or anything! So what if he had been happy to be there all alone with his perfect kid, the one he cared about, and had left Sho without any thought at all to him? So what if-
Jerk thoughts were coming again.
He could feel himself turning into the other Sho, the jerk Sho, and he had to stop it now. He could not be like this, act like this, because…because this was not the person that he wanted to be. He wanted to be a good person. He wanted to be a good little brother…and good little brothers did not act like this. Good little brothers did not sit there and get mad at their big sisters over things that he knew were not under her control.
He needed to be much better than what he had been so far.
"Stop saying sorry all the time. You didn't do anything wrong." Said Sho
"But I-" said big sis. Sho didn't want to hear it. When she started talking about how sorry she was and how she had done stuff wrong, even when she hadn't, it just made him madder and madder and he just…he did not want to be mad anymore. He just wanted…he just wanted to lay down and to get some sleep. That was all.
"Anyway I'm tired and I want to go to bed. You should go to your own bed…but be careful because I left Mukai's sock there." said Sho as he turned to face the wall. He made sure not to kick big sis even on accident. He knew that he was being a jerk by turning his back to her but…but he was tired and he needed sleep and….and he was tired of acting like a jerk.
He was just so effing tired.
"Oh…do you want me to put it back in your hiding spot? I mean I know where your hiding spot is but I don't…I mean I wasn't planning on-" said big sis
"No. I want you to have it. Just take it and don't say anything about giving it back because I won't take it. I have…I have my drawings that me and her did together. You only have pictures. So you should take the sock. Now let me sleep." Said Sho. He closed his eyes and pulled the blankets so far over his head that he couldn't even see the light seeping in from the outside anymore.
He could still feel her, though.
He could feel her in the room and he could hear her shifting around on her bed. He wished that she would just take the sock already. Was it so hard for her to believe that he was just doing something nice for her? Was that such a rare thing, like a four leafed clover or a shiny Mew? Actually….he couldn't remember the last time he had done something nice to her….
Well that was going to change.
"I…thank you. If you ever want it back then you can just ask me for it and I'll give it right back an-" said big sis quietly.
"I'm sleeping right now." Said Sho. He just wanted to rest before he said or did some jerk thing. He was not going to be a jerk. He was going to be nice and a good little brother and he was going to sleep. He was going to get some sleep and then he could be nice to her when he got up but for now…for now he just needed sleep.
He was home now.