I always thought that the Year 1 episode "Missing Link" was a bit of a conundrum. I couldn't comprehend how John would have been so willing to renounce Alpha and his love for Helena, as it's clear from the episode that they already had strong feelings for one another.
So I decided I needed a story to explain it.
Hope you enjoy it – as always, please tell me what you think!
Always You
John Koenig stirred, fighting his way upwards from the dark depths of sleep to consciousness, the last vestiges of a dream clouding his mind and leaving him feeling slightly disorientated. Forcing his heavy eyelids open, he discovered it was quite dark. He struggled for a moment to establish his whereabouts and whether he needed to be concerned but as the fog of sleep gradually cleared, he knew he was safe and in the same place where he'd dozed off however many hours earlier. In the past few days, since his return, he'd only been able to cope with periods of about two hours of wakefulness before exhaustion overcame him once again and with the sleep came the dreams…always the dreams.
He could never quite remember them. They were like threads which wafted away as he mentally reached out to grasp them but he was always left with a sensation of something – or someone – tugging at his conscience. A hint of a subtle fragrance, the sheen of smooth, perfect golden skin catching the light, a whisper of a sheer, delicate fabric as the wearer turned away from him. As he sought to follow, she was gone and he knew he would never again be in the presence of her beauty, her gentleness, her trusting innocence. The sense of disappointment which came with that knowledge was something he was going to have to bear privately, possibly forever, for fear of causing even greater upset to another.
She'd saved him. He knew that now. It had been at great personal cost to herself and he would never get the chance to – what? to thank her?
He stretched to ease the dull ache in his lower back resulting from lying for too long in the same position. These beds and the systems they incorporated might be a tribute to medical technology but if he was honest, he believed they had never been designed with a patient's ultimate comfort in mind. Looking around at the Medical Center where he lay, he saw that the lights had been dimmed in what passed for night on Moonbase Alpha and the various coloured indicators in displays in the walls shone up giving a pleasant soft glow to his surroundings. He could see a brighter light from a desk some metres away and with an effort, he raised himself up on one elbow. His bruised ribs protested at the movement, having previously been pounded in a desperate attempt to restart his heart. He could see Helena sitting at the desk, leaning forward over her work, the light from the desk lamp creating a halo around her blonde head. For a few moments he watched her neat, methodical movements as she typed and her concentration as she paused to review something on her screen. He'd really hoped she would be resting, heavens knows, she needed to. She'd been here whenever he awoke and he knew it was because she was afraid to leave him. She'd come so close to losing him this time, having gone as far as switching off his life support herself when recovery appeared impossible. What that must have cost her, he could only imagine but the sight of her strained, tear-streaked pale face as she bent down to him when he awoke from his coma gave him a pretty good idea.
At that moment, as if sensing he was awake, she looked in his direction. He raised his hand and she immediately left her desk. I'm a lucky man, he thought, admiring her slim, graceful body as she walked over towards his bed. Lucky in more ways than one – they complemented each other perfectly. She was the voice of caution when he was being hot-headed and impulsive, she was the ice to his fire. They shared their hopes, their dreams, their fears. He made her feel safe, she kept him grounded. He knew she had a reputation for being cool and remote but he knew that wasn't true, he was the one who got to enjoy her playful and passionate side, the very private Doctor Russell. And he loved her so…..
"Hey, sleepyhead," she said, a smile lighting up her tired features. "Nice to see you are back with us. You've been asleep for hours."
"Hi," he replied, returning her smile. "You know, I wish you'd get some rest yourself."
"I will…..soon. Can I get you some water?" He nodded gratefully. She poured water from a carafe and bent to support his head as she held the cup to his dry lips, relishing the feel of his soft, dark hair, slightly damp at the nape of his neck from resting against the pillow.
"Enough?"
"Mm-hmm. Thanks. But I think I could actually have managed that myself, you know."
She shrugged. "Maybe I just like taking care of you."
Replacing the cup on the table, she sat down on the bed beside him just as he became aware that the two of them were completely alone. He lounged back and indicated the empty bed opposite. "Where's Sandra?" he asked, frowning, immediately concerned for the welfare of his top data analyst who had been occupying that bed, recovering from the injuries she had sustained in the Eagle crash.
"Discharged to her quarters a few hours ago to convalesce with Paul clucking around her like an old mother hen….she's loving every minute! We've just got to concentrate on getting you better now."
"So what is the prognosis, Doctor? Any chance of me getting parole any time soon?"
"We'll see Commander…..maybe tomorrow. Medically you're fine and the cut on your head is healing well. You just need to rest."
"It can't come soon enough…..at least it'll be more comfortable in my quarters. But I'm glad you've taken that away at last." He referred to the life support and monitoring equipment which had previously been in place over his chest, restricting his movement and most of all, his ability to get close to her.
"You don't need it any more, I am glad to say."
"Good. Now come here….." His arms reached out to her body and he drew her down toward him, careful not to provoke pain in his ribs. She was happy to let him, allowing herself to become pliable as he pulled her to him and kissed her thoroughly. She relaxed and gave into the pleasure of being close to him but as a precaution against being overwhelmed by temptation, she kept her legs and feet over the side of the bed. It would have been so easy to kick off her boots and snuggle up with him for the rest of the night, drifting contentedly into that much needed sleep, safe and secure in his arms. She couldn't stop herself from running her hand over his warm flesh inside his pyjama top though, feeling his strong heartbeat under her palm and privately thanking whatever cosmic force had seen fit to return him to her against all the odds. He tried to reciprocate by attempting to slide his hands under her tunic but she reluctantly pushed him back.
"John….I'm sorry, my love," she said, a gentle laugh escaping her lips. She sat up and straightened her clothes. "But anyone could walk in."
He chuckled softly, his eyes meeting hers, heavy with longing. "Take this as a warning from your Commander then - when I get out of here, I won't be letting you out of my clutches so easily."
"I look forward to it…but all in good time!"
He groaned resignedly and feeling an uncomfortable pressure from his bladder, he pushed himself up to a sitting position and swung his long legs over the opposite side of the bed.
"And where do you think you are going?" she asked.
"Somewhere you can't go for me," he replied. "Unless of course you want fetch me a bottle."
She laughed. "You're ok," she said. "Just don't get up too quickly."
"No Doc." He reached for a robe and wrapping it around himself, walked carefully towards the restroom.
Helena watched him wander away, thinking how wonderful it was to have him back again. However, she'd been harbouring a niggling concern which was threatening to blight her present happiness. The only thing to do, she knew, was to speak to him about it, however much she didn't want to. Far better to get it out in the open, she reasoned. She waited apprehensively for him to return and when he did, he was more than a little surprised to see her still sitting where he had left her, her earlier smile replaced with a rather pensive expression.
"Ok?" he asked.
"Sort of."
"Something wrong?"
She hesitated before looking directly up at him. "John….I want you to tell me about Vana."
This was so unexpected that the shock caused a sudden weakness in his limbs and he staggered slightly. She jumped to her feet to support him.
"Hey, take it easy," she said, helping him to sit back on the bed. "Here we go." She sat back down beside him.
"I've already told you," he said shakily. "She was Raan's daughter."
Helena didn't look at him. "I know. But there's more to it than that, isn't there?"
There was the slightest hesitation – it didn't escape her notice.
"Why do you ask?" John decided this was starting to ring alarm bells. What did Helena know? Had Sandra said something? Raan had told him Sandra would have no recollection of being brought to Zenno and seeing him with Vana.
"Why? Because you are calling her name in your sleep…..that's why."
"Ah."
"Yes, John, ah."
He took a deep breath…..he'd hoped he'd never have to tell her. "You know about Raan."
"You said he was an anthropologist who wanted to study you because he believed you were the missing link in the Zennites' chain of evolution."
"Study me? Don't make me laugh. He wanted to experiment on me, like I was an animal. He created visions to test me and it was terrifying…..he gave me Victor behaving in a way that he never would to gauge my reaction, horrible monsters attacking me, he smothered me in cobwebs whilst strapped into the pilot seat of an Eagle. Then there was Victor again, running but never reaching me and I was screaming for him to help…..frightening. Awful. I never want to go through anything like that again." He felt himself breaking out in a cold sweat at the memory and he clenched his fists to stop his hands from shaking.
Helena turned towards him and took his clammy, trembling hands in her own. Maybe it hadn't been so wise to bring this up after all. "Hush, John…it's over now. You're safe."
He had worried that Helena and Victor would not believe his account of his experiences on Zenno. He'd told them about it as soon as he was able after regaining consciousness, answering their questions as best he could. He felt it was a measure of the closeness of their relationship and their respect for him that they had accepted his story….as Victor had said, it was all too bizarre not to be true.
But John had deliberately omitted to tell them part of it, knowing what it would do to Helena. He just hadn't realised that it had affected him so profoundly that his subconscious self would betray him in his sleep.
He was calmer now and Helena felt she could press him further without causing him more distress. She asked him again. "So – Vana?"
He knew he couldn't avoid telling her, he knew that if he didn't it would only simmer and become a bigger issue. He prayed that being honest with her was the right thing to do.
"Helena, I didn't want you to know….I'm sorry. I uh…..I fell in love with her."
Helena's mouth dropped open. She immediately let go of his hands and got to her feet.
"Well, obviously you didn't want me to know."
"I can explain…"
She started to pace the floor, clasping her hands together as was her habit when she was anxious. She avoided his eyes.
"What do you mean, you fell in love with her?" she demanded. "How long were you there? Three days, if that!"
"I know. You don't have to tell me – it's crazy."
"Crazy? Seriously, I'd like to know how it could happen in that time."
He sighed. "I'll tell you, but please, come and sit down."
"I'm fine." He could see that she was obviously anything but.
"Helena…..I want to be completely truthful with you. Please, hear me out and try to keep an open mind." She didn't answer. "Vana – she was very beautiful, exquisite, even." He saw Helena visibly flinch but continued. "She seemed to be so young but she was actually much older as the lifespan of a Zennite is ten times ours. And there was an innocence about her. I got the impression that she had little or no experience of romantic love, perhaps this was the first time she had ever been attracted to someone. I sensed her attraction to me as soon as we met."
"And?"
"She couldn't comprehend how I would refuse food to hasten my death rather than be taken away from my own life and subjected to the existence Raan had planned for me. She said they didn't believe in death, only the continuing flow of life so choosing to starve myself was incomprehensible to her. I said that if I was to take her away from there, against her will, she'd understand. Her response was that if I was to stay, of my own free will, I'd understand."
"Go on."
"The Zennites could read my mind so I couldn't keep anything from them. If they knew about you, they chose to ignore it. I found myself thinking about Vana and she just came to me – and we talked. Their minds had amazing powers, she even projected some music from hers, it created a wonderful atmosphere as we talked and she seemed to grow more and more beautiful, more and more appealing but….sad. I asked her why she was sad as it didn't seem to exist there…she said she wanted me to stay with her. And then – we kissed."
"You kissed?"
"I was unable to resist her." He looked up apologetically at Helena who now stood still in front of him, in her eyes, the glint of tears reflected the pinpoint lights of the dim room around them. He hated to hurt her but he needed her to listen and understand. She didn't feel very understanding – the man she loved had just admitted he had feelings for another woman. Whether that woman was here on Alpha or far away on another planet made no difference to the desolation she felt.
"So I guess now you're going to say – one thing led to another and before we knew where we were…" Her tone was heavy with sarcasm. "….and was she better than me, John?"
"No! No, Helena, it wasn't like that at all. It wasn't – it didn't feel – lustful. She was mesmerising and all I could think of was that I wanted to stay with her. I even stopped wanting to come back to Alpha and to you. That's not me is it? Everything I could ever want in a woman is here on Alpha and yet I was ready to abandon that to be with her. It wasn't rational."
"You're damn right it wasn't rational, John Koenig!" She shouted. Did he really say that he hadn't slept with Vana? She so wanted to trust him. "You tell me that you weren't here at all, your physical self lay dying in my Medical Center but your consciousness was away on Zenno, professing undying love to a woman you'd only just met? How DO you account for that?"
He stood up and went to her, placing his hands on her upper arms. She abruptly shook him off and turned her back. "I think she was controlling my mind. I think that she actually made me fall in love with her. It's the only explanation I have."
Helena remained facing away from him and suppressed a sudden urge to giggle hysterically. As far as excuses for infidelity went, that was pretty far up the scale.
"When we told Raan that we intended to be married or whatever they call it on Zenno, he was less than impressed to say the least. He was angry and said it was impossible. We told him I wanted to stay, to be with Vana and he queried whether I could bridge two million years of evolution. I said I could try – he said I would have to return to my own world."
"I thought you said that he wanted you as his permanent guest, for the rest of your life."
"Yes he did. He wanted me as his lab rat, to experiment on. What he didn't want was his daughter hooking up with their evolutional equivalent of a caveman. But Vana had already intimated that she wasn't happy about what her father was doing to me and she regarded it as exploitation. I think that she made me fall in love with her to antagonise Raan and make him send me back. If I had only pretended to be in love with her, he'd only have had to read my mind at any time to know that it was a ruse. I actually had to feel it."
Helena turned round to look at him again and her face was wet now with her tears. "But what changed your mind? What made you want to leave when you say you were in love with her?"
"They brought Sandra to tell me that you were about to pull the plug and I would die. At first I thought it was another of Raan's illusions but Vana assured me that Sandra was real. I believed her and when Raan showed me images of Sandra and myself lying here…..I knew and that's when I came to my senses."
"Sandra didn't say anything about this."
"She wouldn't have done. Raan said she would have no memory of being on Zenno."
Helena was thoughtful for a few minutes, wandering around the room in silence, considering the implications of what he'd told her. "Sandra knew something," she said. "She begged me not to let you die, to wait a little longer." She suddenly stopped still, realisation dawning. "Vana saved you, John."
"Yes, that's exactly how I see it now. The only problem was that Vana had really fallen in love with me. She would have had me stay or she would have come here but she could no more survive in my world than I could in hers. In the end she denied herself happiness so I could return."
"Then tell me," asked Helena hesitantly. "If Vana was here, on Alpha, who would – who would….?"
"Who would I choose?"
She nodded, unable to speak.
He moved in front of her again and took her hands in his own. "YOU, Helena. Only you…..always you." He lifted one of her hands and pressed it to his lips. "Do you believe me?"
Her answer was to reach up and pull his head down towards her and she kissed him tenderly. He could taste the saltiness of the tears on her skin and she sighed as his arms went around her. Even as their lips eventually parted, they stayed together, just holding one another close, for a long time.
"Now when I sleep," he said softly against her hair, "I dream of her and I feel so bad. I wish I could tell her I am so grateful for what she did but in my dreams, I don't get the chance, her presence slips away as I wake. I wish I could tell her that I truly meant what I said when we were together but I know now that I could never have been with her the way she wanted. What I felt for her wasn't real, not like what we have. I love YOU, Helena."
"Oh John…I'm sorry I doubted you." Helena felt a fresh wave of emotion engulf her and tears surged in her eyes again. "And it seems I owe Vana a huge debt of gratitude." The past week had been one enormous emotional rollercoaster for her and the final twist of the ride had been John's confession. It had released in her a jealous fury of a sort she had never experienced before, albeit short lived, and now that had abated, all she wanted to do was to feel her feet back on steady ground. John was alive, he was recovering, he was here and he loved her. It was enough.
She felt him sway slightly and raised her head to look at him, seeing him unsteady with weariness again. She slipped back into Doctor mode. "Hey, time we got you back into bed." She took his robe and helped him lie down, lifting his legs onto the bed and spreading the cover over him.
"I'm going to have you moved to your quarters as soon as I can. But don't worry, I'll make sure your personal physician will be on hand to keep a very close eye on you."
"Bob's making house calls?"
"Well if you prefer Bob to tuck you in at night, it can be arranged…but I heard he's a terrible kisser."
They laughed together but John's eyes were already closed, he was already drifting off. She gently stroked his face before bending to kiss his forehead.
"Sweet dreams, my caveman," she said.
"Mmmm," he murmured, the corners of his mouth curling upwards in a contented smile.
As she stood up, she heard the door of the Medical Center swishing open then closing and the lighting level started to increase. Bob Mathias had arrived for the start of his shift.
"Morning," he greeted her as she left John's bedside. "Is the Commander ok?"
"Perfect," she replied. "He's just gone back to sleep."
"Which is where you need to be." Bob took in the sight of Helena's reddened eyes underlined by shadows in her pale face. He knew that her personal battle to remain strong and professional when her world was disintegrating during the past week had taken its toll. He had no idea what had transpired during the night but despite her good mood, it looked for all the world like she'd been crying.
"You know what, Bob? You're right. I'm going to do just that so I'll leave you to it." She yawned. "I'll be back later to get John moved to his quarters." She went to the desk to gather up her things and bade Bob farewell, knowing that she would be out like a light as soon as her head hit the pillow.
John was going to be fine, she had nearly lost him again and on this occasion, not to space but to the love of another woman. But he'd come back to her….and once again, she asked herself the question, just how many more times would she have to suffer like this? Pushing the thought away, she repeated to herself her favourite mantra: one day at a time, Helena…one day at a time.
Epilogue
John's sleep was restful and devoid of the dreams which had plagued him. He awoke feeling refreshed and at peace, knowing that Vana had been consigned to his memory. She was in his past now…his present and his future were here on Alpha, in the form of another very special, beautiful woman, one who he could not survive without and for whom he would willingly lay down his own life.
But if he was honest with himself, in the time that followed, he did occasionally experience a sense of bitter sweet longing, his thoughts drifting towards a gentle, golden skinned vision of loveliness. He would immediately tear his mind away, refusing to allow himself to analyse his feelings too deeply but then it would always leave him wondering, was it really more important to feel than to think?
THE END
November 2021