The walls were starting to look like Swiss cheese.
When Sho got mad he took it out on the walls. They were starting to get holes in them from where he would kick and punch them until they fell apart. Dad was mad at him for doing that. He said that Sho was acting like a savage and that he was tired of moving house every time Sho had a fit. That just made Sho even more upset at him. He was mad at dad and at himself and at big sis and…and at everyone!
He always got really mad around this time of year.
Mom was gone. She was gone and he knew that she was gone and she was never coming back and he knew that she was never coming back and, therefore, he shouldn't have been extra upset just because three years ago mom had run away from home. He shouldn't have been especially angry because mom was gone. She had been gone for years. He should have been used to it by now. Everyone else was. Dad didn't care and big sis…she only cared about the things that dad told her to care about.
Which was why she was trying to get him to stop kicking holes in the walls.
"Daughter, make him stop that. He's in there acting like a savage. It's driving me mad." Said Dad. He didn't yell, no, he said that in the same way that he said everything else. He didn't even bother to come into the room and say that. He was too busy working. He was in his room working and he couldn't even be bothered to punish Sho for kicking holes in the walls.
Sho didn't want to be punished.
He hated it when dad punished him. He didn't know why he wanted dad to come in and tell him to his face to stop kicking holes in the walls. Maybe he just wanted dad to…to stop making big sis be mom! She was not their mom! They had a mom! She may have been gone but she was their mom and…and they couldn't just pretend that she didn't exist!
"Sho….dad wants you to stop." Said big sis. She was there in their room. It was late and they had to go to sleep soon, well he did anyway, and he knew that even though she was in her pajamas and even if she laid down in her bed and even if she fell asleep she wouldn't be there when he got up. He would wake up all alone just like he'd been waking up every single morning for the past few days.
"I know, I have ears!" Said Sho before he took one of his stuffed animals and hit it a few times. He had to hit something. He had to hit something and kick something and break something because otherwise he would hit her and break her and…and he was not going to be that sort of person. He didn't want to be that sort of person. He was done being that sort of person.
"Sho…please. You're making him mad…" said big sis. Sho pulled his shirt up over his face and screamed. He had to do that or he would end up screaming at her. She only cared about dad. What dad thought and what he wanted and how he felt. She didn't care about him. She was only in there with him instead of with dad because dad kept on trying to have her replace mom and she didn't even care about him and-
-and he was having jerk thoughts again.
She loved him. She loved him and he loved her right back. They were brother and sister and they loved each other. She bossed him around because she loved him. She cared about him enough to…to want him to stop being a jerk. She was worried about what dad would do to him if he kept on acting like this. That was why she was there. She loved him and he needed to act like he liked her. Like he loved her. He did love her…and he had to be better for her. He couldn't be the sort of person he had been before. He couldn't be the sort of person who wanted to beat his big sister up so badly that she bled.
So he kicked the wall.
"I don't care! I don't care! I have to do this!" said Sho as he kicked the wall over and over again. His foot hurt. He put his powers into it. He needed to keep on kicking over and over again. He had to do this. better the wall than his big sister.
Something held him back.
"Sho, stop it, you're going to make the house fall down. You keep on putting holes in the walls and stuff…and dad doesn't like it. He doesn't like what you're doing now and…and he's going to get mad. Please. You don't have to do this." said big sis. Sho fought against her powers but it was no use. She was stronger than him. She had always been stronger than him and she always would be stronger than him.
That was why dad liked her best.
No matter what happened, how strong Sho got, she would always be stronger. That was because she was the Prodigy and he was just the Awakened Child. She had been born right and he had been born wrong. Dad loved her best and he would always love her best. She had always been dad's and he had always been mom's…but now they didn't even have a mom anymore. It was just big sis and dad…and him. He didn't fit in anywhere with them. Dad had big sis and big sis had dad but Sho…he didn't have mom anymore. He didn't have anyone.
"I have to do this. I have to this or I could….I could end up hurting you. I don't want to hurt you ever again. I just…this is just something that I have to do." Said Sho. He fought as hard as he could with himself to talk to her like a normal person and not start screaming in her face…even though he wanted to scream at her. He wanted to tell her that he could do whatever he wanted, that she was not mom, that she was not the boss of him, that if dad had a problem with what he was doing then he could come in and do something about this himself, that Sho had a good reason to be upset, that….
He wanted to scream a lot of things at her.
She let him go. She let him go and…and he still wanted to scream at her…but he didn't. He had to be a better little brother. He had to be better for her. He had to be nice to her. He had to stop being such a jerk to her all the time. He was not dad. He was not going to grow up to be dad. He didn't know who he would grow up to be but he knew that it could not be dad.
He would never have been able to live with himself if he ended up becoming dad.
"Sho…why do you want to hurt me? Is it because I didn't let you eat your soup by drinking it straight from the bowl? Because last time you did that it went up your nose and then you couldn't breath and then there was soup and food everywhere. I didn't want that to happen again. If it makes you happy I can make you one of our cans of soup and then you can drink it just like a drink. Ok? Would that fix this?" asked big sis
"Do you seriously think that this is about soup? Really? Because it's not. It's about…you keep on leaving me all alone all night to sleep next to dad. Not just sometimes like you used to but…but all the time!" said Sho. He tried his best to not shout at her. He tried his best not to hit her. He, instead, picked up one of her dolls and threw it across the room when he was done talking. Then he felt a little better. He broke it. He didn't mean to break it and he knew that if dad found out that he broke one of big sis' dolls he would be in for it but he'd rather break her doll than her.
She didn't seem to care.
If she had wanted to catch it with her powers, save it from breaking, then she could have. Instead she watched it go flying over her head and against the wall. That one looked like Swiss cheese. They all looked like Swiss cheese. She was right. He was going to end up kicking down the house.
Good.
This house wasn't home. Maybe if he broke the house and then the next one and the next one they could go back to the Castle already…or they could leave Japan finally. He didn't know which one he wanted more. He didn't know if he wanted to go home even though he knew that mom wouldn't be there or if he wanted to leave Japan for some other place because he knew that mom must have been somewhere in Japan and…
He wanted her back. He also didn't want her back.
She had left him. She had just left one day. He had woken up and she had been gone. He didn't know why she had left, he didn't know where she had left to, and he didn't know if he would ever see her again…and he didn't know if he ever wanted to see her again. He wanted to wake up to her making him breakfast or watching TV or just sitting in her bed being all tired and stuff. That was what he wanted. He didn't want to just run into her one day and then just….just see her. Just see her being normal and stuff and…and not with him and…
And he couldn't wait for fall.
When fall came these feelings…they never went away…but they got a little better. The weather would be colder and then he wouldn't think about her as much. He would think about Give Me Candy Day, if they were in America, and also Christmas. They would see the big Christmas tree in New York because they went there every year. Also his birthday would come and then he would be able to do whatever he wanted and…and it would be a good time. When the weather got colder he would feel better…
And he wouldn't be such a jerk.
He had been so good about that lately. He had been playing more things that big sis wanted and he had been nicer to her even when she bossed him around and also he hadn't been making fun of her because she liked a guy even though that was what he was supposed to do as her little brother. He had done so much to make her happy. He had ever worn a dress for her! even though he hated every moment of it he had still worn a dress for her and let her paint his nails and put makeup on him and do his hair like he was a girl….he had been such a good little brother lately! And he could have kept on being a good big brother if she would just leave him alone and let him kick holes in the walls in peace! Why couldn't she just go?!
She showed no signs of having any plans to go anywhere.
Her aura was moving but she wasn't. She was thinking. He knew what it looked like when she was thinking. She didn't make a lot of faces, Shimazaki said that if world domination didn't work out she and dad could make a living as a father and daughter professional poker team, but Sho could read the faces that she did make. Her face and her aura.
She was worried.
"Sho….I don't control what dad does. He just picks me up and carries me to his room. I don't know why he kept on doing that but…but there's nothing that I can do to stop him. I can't even ask him to stop. You know that he never listens to me." Said big sis. She was making sense. Dad was dad. Dad was weird. Nobody stood a chance to understand him. He knew that big sis was speaking the truth but…but he also didn't believe her…
He didn't know.
It was like there were two Sho's and there were both inside of his head screaming at each other. One Sho told him that he was the biggest jerk to ever live for being mad at her about something that she didn't even want to happen. The other Sho said that the first Sho was being stupid and that of course she wanted to spend time with dad. She was dad's favorite. That was what they had decided when they had been kids. She got dad and he got mom and that was just the way that their family worked.
But it didn't work anymore.
Because mom was gone. He had woken up one morning and she had just…left. She had left him and big sis all alone with dad…and then they just had to…to keep on being a family even though she was gone. They weren't a family. Not really. How could they be a family without mom!? She was their mom and she…she was supposed to love them! She was supposed to BE THERE! Why couldn't it have been dad that had left?! Sho didn't care one bit if dad left and took all of his money and stuff with him and then he and mom and big sis had to be poor. He didn't care if dad never made him the king of the world or whatever. He would give up everything that he had just to have mom back!
Just so he wouldn't have to be alone anymore.
But he wasn't alone. Big sis was there and she wasn't going to leave him alone. Not until he stopped kicking holes in the walls. Not until he calmed down. Not until he felt better. Not until he did what dad wanted him to do…and he just could not do that. He couldn't stop and he…he couldn't calm down. Not when he knew that he would wake up all alone. Not when he knew that…that in the morning he would be all alone in this room…and she would be with dad….and that she had dad and he had nobody….
He was just Sho. She was dad and daughter but he was just Sho.
"I'm going, I can't be around you and dad right now. If I stay here I'm just going to keep on kicking holes in the walls…and I might end up kicking you, too, and I don't want that. I just…..I have to go." Said Sho. He walked right past her. He walked right past her and out the door. She followed him to the genkan and asked him where he was going but he just put up a barrier and kept on walking.
He had no idea where he was going.
Next door was an option…but then Shibata would just treat him like he was a cross between a baby and a puppy and Minegishi would be mean to him and Shimazaki…Sho didn't want Shimazaki to see him like this. Sho could feel how red he was and he could see tears collecting in the corners of his eyes. No. Shimazaki couldn't see him cry…well he couldn't 'see' anything…but he would know that Sho was about to cry and then he would think that Sho wasn't cool and he wasn't friends with uncool people, probably, and then Sho would lose any chance he had to being Shimazaki's best friend…
So he wasn't going to go next door.
He was so upset that his perceptions were expanding with his aura…and he felt…Fukuda! How could he have forgotten about Fukuda?! Sho didn't care what time it was and he knew that Fukuda wouldn't care either. He had said, before, that he would be there for Sho no matter what. Well this must have counted as 'what'. Yeah, Fukuda would be there for him and he would make him feel better and then…and then he wouldn't be like…this. He would feel better and he would be better and…and he wouldn't be such a jerk and….
And maybe he wouldn't turn Fukuda's walls into Swiss cheese.
Maybe he would. He didn't know. He got less mad on the short walk to Fukuda's house but…but he was still mad. He was mad at himself for being a jerk and big sis for making him act like a jerk and dad for making big sis make him act like a jerk and for mom for leaving…and he knew that he should not have been mad at his mom. She was his mom and he loved her and she loved him…she had loved him…but she was gone and…
And at least Fukuda was there.
Sho let himself in. The door had been locked but he used his powers to let himself in. He was better, now, and his aura was a lot calmer now. He could tuck it in close like normal. His eyes weren't full of tears anymore and his face didn't feel red. Better. He felt better. He hadn't even said one word to Fukuda yet but he already felt better. Fukuda was good at that, those were his powers, making people feel better.
He would have felt better, though, if he had actually been with Fukuda.
He followed the feel of Fukuda to his bedroom. The lights were on so he was still awake. Sho didn't knock. He just let himself in. He knew that people were supposed knock before they entered a room, big sis had been big on that lately, but he didn't have time for stuff like knocking. He had to see Fukuda RIGHT NOW! Besides, what was the worst that he saw? They were both boys. You could see boys naked. Girls were the ones that you weren't supposed to see naked because they had different parts than boys. Not that Sho had ever seen anyone but his sister naked. Still he didn't care what he saw. He needed to talk to Fukuda right now.
"Sho!" said Fukuda. He had been awake and he had been dressed. Sho was right not to knock. Knocking would have just wasted valuable time and he did not have time to waste. Fukuda was happy to see him, anyway, he slammed his laptop shut the minute Sho opened the door. He was putting his work away to talk to Sho and stuff…which was more than dad ever did….not that Sho cared.
"I kicked a bunch of holes in the walls and then dad told big sis to tell me to stop but I couldn't or I would hurt her so I broke one of her dolls and then we had sort of a fight and then I came here because I didn't want to hurt her and I knew that if I stayed at home then I would end up hurting her and I….I don't want to hurt her or anything like that. So can I stay here?" asked Sho
"Yes, yes, that's fine. But next time call me or text me or knock first, ok?" asked Fukuda
"Ok. I'll do that…just please don't kick me out or get mad at me if I start turning your walls into Swiss cheese." Said Sho
"Swiss cheese? What the…come on. Let's go have some ice cream and talk." Said Fukuda as he got out of bed.
"Ok. I'd like that." Said Sho. He didn't say the part where he wouldn't like that if all Fukuda had was vanilla ice-cream still. He also didn't say that he wouldn't like that if Fukuda was planning on telling him stories about the past either. He didn't want to hear about the past and he didn't want any plain vanilla ice cream, that was worse than literally any other type of ice cream and also it was worse than no ice cream at all. Sho didn't say anything, though, because he wanted to talk to Fukuda more than he disliked hearing stories about when dad was a kid and also eating plain vanilla ice cream…
Though he really hoped that Fukuda something other than plain vanilla ice cream.
He didn't.
"Ok, now tell me what happened. You and your sister got into another fight?" asked Fukuda. Sho nodded and dug his spoon into his ice-cream. Fukuda made a lot of money and he could send the Awakened out to the store to get him whatever he wanted. Why was he still eating plain vanilla ice cream? It was pretty much just a bowl of frozen milk. Sho wasn't going to complain though, not when he had someone who actually cared about him.
Big sis cared.
He cared about big sis and she cared about him but he also cared about not hurting her…and he had been dangerously close to hurting her. He knew what Fukuda had said before, that it was ok to be a jerk to her so long as he said that he was sorry and stuff, but he didn't want to act like a jerk in the first place. He wanted to be a good person. He wanted to be a better person than he had been before. He wanted to be someone other than his dad.
Fukuda would understand. He had known dad since they had been kids.
"She came in and told me to stop kicking holes in the walls because dad told her to tell me to stop. Dad promoted her so now she has all the power that mom had." Said Sho. Fukuda shook his head when he said that. Sho didn't get what was so bad about that. Sure it sucked that she was even more the boss of him than she had been before but that was just how dad was.
"Sho, she isn't your mother, she's your sister, and your dad should never have given her that level of power over you." Said Fukuda
"Yeah, it sucks, I know…but that's not what I'm so mad about…what I was so mad about. I was just…I was mad about how she keeps on sleeping next to dad every night and she leaves me alone and stuff and…and it makes me feel bad." Said Sho. He didn't know if he could talk about mom. He didn't know if he should talk about mom. If he talked about how big sis being gone reminded him of mom being gone then he might have gotten mad again and he did not want to get mad again. He knew that Fukuda had said, before, that Sho could never do anything to make him not care about him anymore and stuff but Sho…he was just…he was tired of being a jerk all the time.
"She sleeps next to your dad….every night? At her age?" asked Fukuda
"Yeah." Said Sho as he picked at his ice cream. Fukuda had stopped picking at his and was just staring at him now.
"She doesn't think that she might be a little bit too old for that?" asked Fukuda
"No, she likes sleeping next to dad. They watch boring stuff on TV and stuff." Said Sho. He didn't want to be there but he also would have liked to have been invited….because he was a part of their family too…right?
"But…at her age? Your dad lets her sleep next to him at her age?" asked Fukuda
"Yeah. Big sis said that he picks her up and carries her to his room and stuff in the middle of the night. She says that she doesn't know why and that there's no point in telling dad to stop because he's, well, dad. I'm not sad that she gets to sleep next to him I'm just sad that she…she didn't think about me. I've been thinking about her a lot and being nice to her and doing stuff that she likes but…but she won't do the same for me…and it makes me kind of…kind of sad." Said Sho. He poked at his ice cream but he didn't eat it. He hated plain vanilla and he wasn't even hungry.
He just wanted to have someone to talk to.
"Sho…your sister's business is her own and your dad's business is his own. If they don't want to include you then….then there's nothing that you can do…and I'm sorry about that. But remember that I'll always be here. If you ever wake up in the middle of the night and you're all alone you can come here and sleep next to me, ok? How's that sound?" said Fukuda
"Ok." Said Sho. He didn't really want to sleep next to someone. He mostly just wanted to stop feeling so alone…and he did, now, feel less alone. He felt….better. He felt a lot better now. He had Fukuda and he felt better now. He always felt better. Big sis could keep dad. He had Fukuda. He may not have had mom and dad may not have liked him very much and big sis might have just done whatever dad told her to do but…but at least he had Fukuda….and Fukuda always made him feel better.
He didn't feel like turning the walls into Swiss cheese anymore.