Me: [viewers] Today, I'm at Lincoln's house in the living room, where Casper and I are waiting our turn to play Zombies Attack.

[Some video game sound effects are heard; Lincoln is playing a VR game where you fight zombies with breakdancing.]

Lincoln: "Take that, zombie!" [twerks] Feel my twerk, you evil jerk! [killing zombies; does a pelvic thrust.] Hoo!

Me: Get those zombies dead!

Casper: You go, Lincoln!

[Lincoln continues to break-dance; he goes up the stairs and does more moves in the hallway where he then enters one particular room.]

Lori: "Lincoln!"

Lincoln: [takes the goggles off and sees Lori making an angry expression at him.] "AAHHH!"

Me: Oh! Are we in your room, Lori? Sorry, Lincoln was playing VR games when he wound up here by accident.

Casper: Sorry about that. We weren't trying to get in here.

Lori: "There's only one rule in this house: Stay out of my bedroom! If I catch you in here again, I will literally turn all of you into human pretzels or in Casper's case a ghostly pretzel!" [on the phone] "No, not you, Bobby." [giggles] "One sec, okay?" [kicks Lincoln out of her room.]

Casper: What a prick.

Me: [gasps] Casper! While it is true, she could have been nicer about it. You shouldn't call her names.

Casper: Sorry.

Lincoln: Don't worry about it. Now let's get back to the game.

[Lincoln puts his goggles back on and continues to dance the zombies away.]

Lincoln: "Oh, yeah!" [goes into the bathroom; realizes what he's doing in there.] "Zombies don't need to see this." [takes the goggles off and sets them on the sink.]

[There's a knock at the door.]

Me: Casper and I will wait here while you take care of business.

Casper: David, shouldn't we turn around for this?

Me: Whoops!

Casper and I turned around immediately.

Lincoln: "Occupied!"

[The knocking then turns into a pounding.]

Lincoln: [annoyed] "I can't believe some..." [answers door to see Lori is there.]

Lori: [on the phone] "Bobby, you'll never guess what Whitney said to me today."

Lincoln: [rhetorically] "That you don't respect a man's privacy?"

Casper: Exactly.

Me: Yeah, Lori, the 3 of us were here first.

Lori: [ignoring them and kicking them out.] "No, silly! Not even. She was all like..."

[Lincoln goes to his room and realizes something.]

Lincoln: "Oh no! My gaming glasses!" [rushes to the bathroom but is stopped by Lola and Lana, who are dressed in some kind of authority attire.]

Lana: "No running in the hallway!"

Lincoln: "Huh? What are you talking about?"

Lola: "Lana, is this maggot giving you lip?" [writes Lincoln up]

Lana: "We're the new hall monitors at school, so we're practicing at home."

Me: You both sound very official.

Casper: Yeah, keep it up.

Lana: Thank you, we are doing our best.

[They give Lincoln a ticket.]

Lola: "If we catch you speeding again, you're going downtown! We already locked up Luan for telling bad jokes." [reveals Luan in a cardboard jail cell.]

Luan: "Hey! Did you hear the one about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months!" [laughs to rimshot] "Get it?"

The joke made Casper and me both laugh.

Me: Nice one, Luan.

Casper: It was spooktacular. [rimshot] Get it.

Luan: [laughing] Nice one, Casper.

Lola: "That's five more minutes, dirtbag!"

Lincoln: "Okay, okay. I'll walk within the speed limit. I swear."

Lana: "NO SWEARING!"

Me: Lana, he means he promises to slow down.

Lana: Okay, got it. Next time we won't be as lenient with you.

[As they leave for their room/office, the three of us go to the bathroom to find that his goggles are now totaled.]

Lincoln: "Someone stepped on my glasses! NOOOOO!"

[Since Lori kicked him out when he left them in there, he automatically blames her and sees that she left in the family van.]

Me: Sorry to hear that.

Casper: I will possess whoever did that.

Me: That's going a little too far Casper.

Lincoln: [enraged] "LORI! YOU DIRTBAG!"

[Later, Clyde is being told the story of the incident.]

Lincoln: "One minute I'm electric-sliding with the undead, and the next..." [groans] "It's all Lori's fault!"

Me: I'm sure it was an accident, Lincoln.

Casper: Want me to scare some sense into her?

Me: There's no need to go that far, Casper.

Lincoln: I love it. Go ahead and do it, Casper.

Casper: [salutes] I'm on it.

Me: Don't do it. What if she were standing somewhere where she could fall?

Lincoln: [pales] Never mind. Forget what I said about that.

Clyde: [holding the goggles] "I can't believe it!"

Lincoln: "I know! She didn't even say sorry!"

Clyde: [love-struck] "No. I can't believe Lori's beautiful tootsies touched these..." [cradles the glasses]

Lincoln: "Snap out of it, Clyde! Lori's a monster! All she cares about is talking on her stupid phone! Well, I'm going to give her a call she'll never forget..."

Clyde: "What are you going to say?"

[Lincoln looks in his drawer and pulls out a sheet of paper and shows it to Clyde.]

Clyde: "Why is 'blank' the worst sister ever"?

Caper and I gasp as we read the rest of the paper.

Me: Lincoln, isn't that going too far?

Casper: I wouldn't even do that to anyone.

Clyde: Yeah, isn't that too extreme?

Lincoln wasn't listening to any of us.

Lincoln: [evilly] "I knew this would come in handy someday. I just didn't know which sister would be getting it." [writes Lori's name in the blank.] "But you, Lori Loud, have made my decision very easy." [dials Lori's phone number on his duck phone.]

[While Lincoln is waiting, Luna is jamming, and riffs to the last note of Lori's ringtone.]

Lincoln: [impatient] "Agh. Must be charging her phone. But no worries. I'll just leave it on her voicemail."

Voicemail: "Hey, this is Lori. You know what to do."

[Beep]

Me: Everyone cover your ears, he's about to explode!

Casper: I don't have ears.

Me: Sorry, my bad.

Lincoln: "Hey, Lori. It's your dear brother, Lincoln. There's something I've been meaning to tell you. You are..." [goes into a blindingly raging rant about Lori; Luna comes into his room and rocks out to censor the harsh and foul message for any profanity it may contain, all the while Clyde watches in despair as his dream girl is getting roasted; finishing up.] "And that is why you are the WORST SISTER EVER!" [hangs up] "What do you think, Clyde?"

[Clyde fainted; enter Lori]

Lori: "Hey, bro. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry I stepped on your stupid toy. So I went out and bought you a stupid new one."

Me: That was nice of you, Lori.

Lori: Thanks, and it was just an accident.

Lincoln: [shocked at her generosity] "You did what now?"

Lori: [hands him new glasses] "Also, I'm very impressed you didn't freak out over this. Very mature."

Lincoln: [nervously chuckles] "Yep. That's me. Mr. Mature."

[As Lori leaves, Lincoln realizes he made a terrible mistake.] "Clyde! What have I done? I called Lori a-" [guitar riff] "-when she's actually a-" [harp string] "What am I going to do?! You're right! Lori clearly hasn't listened to the voicemail yet, or I'd be a human pretzel. We gotta delete the message!"

Me: Yeah, but how?

Lincoln: I have an idea.

Clyde: [comes to] "Huh?" [falls over]

Lincoln: "Good talk."

Me: Are you okay, Clyde?

Clyde: I'm fine, thanks for asking.

Casper: Glad you are okay.

[Lincoln and Clyde are peaking out the door; Lola and Lana are tracking a trail of poop that leads from Lynn and Lucy's room to Luan and Luna's; Lori has locked up her room and entered the security password and leaves.]"

Lincoln: "Perfect! Lori doesn't have her cell, which means it's still in there charging. Our mission is to infiltrate her room and delete the message before she gets back."

Clyde: "But Lori's room is off-limits."

Casper: Won't she kill you if she finds out?

Lincoln: "I know. That's why I need you to be on the lookout for her."

Clyde: "That's easy. I'm always on the lookout for Lori."

Me: Yeah, literally.

Clyde: (blushes) I can't help it, she's so beautiful.

Me: At least try for Lincoln's sake.

Clyde: Alright.

Lincoln: "Then let's do this!"

[We all fist bump for luck.]

Clyde: [sneaks through the hallway] "In position."

Casper: I'm in position too.

Me: I feel like a secret agent.

Casper: Same here.

Clyde: Me too.

Lincoln: "Roger that."

Lana: "I know poop when I see it, and that's definitely some poop."

Me: That's gross.

Clyde: Tell me about it. I think I'm going to puke.

I gave Clyde a paper bag.

Me: Here you go.

Clyde: Thanks. [heaves]

Me: You're okay, right?

Clyde: I'm fine now, thanks.

Lincoln: "Drat! The po-po! I can't go through it, so I'm going to have to go over it!"

[Lincoln sneaks by while the twins check the sound he made only to see he's nowhere; he's hiding up on the top of the doorway and tosses a hamster treat Geo goes after.]

Lana: "Hey, furball! No speeding!"

[The twins give chase to Geo.]

Twins: "Hey! What did we just say? Get back here!"

[Lincoln sneaks into the vent.]

Lincoln: "I'm in."

Clyde: [with a schematic of the house] "Great. Proceed two clicks north, hook a left, and be right over the target."

[Lincoln heads down that pathway.]

Lincoln: "I've got eyes on the package."

Casper: What package I thought we were getting Lori's phone?

Me: That's what he meant.

[He breaks into Lori's room and finds the phone still charging.]

Clyde: "Lincoln! Lori's coming!"

Lincoln: "You're going to have to stall her!"

Clyde: "Roger that..." [draws a mustache on his upper lip with a marker and tears off his shirt, revealing a white tux underneath it and acts so suave as Lori approaches.] "Hey, beautiful, you take these stairs often?"

Lori: [throws her arms around him and swoons] "I will now...handsome~..." [winks to him]

[Lincoln grabs the phone and starts playing the message.]

Message: "Hey, Lori. It's your dear brother, Lincoln."

[Lincoln deletes it]

Phone: "Message deleted."

[Lincoln sneaks out right before Lori enters, and it turns out it was all just a dramatization of what could happen.]

Lincoln: "And that's how we're going to do it!"

Casper: That's a good plan, Lincoln.

Me: I think it might just work.

Clyde: "I love it! Especially the part where I get to talk to Lori." [starts applying perfume onto him.]

Lincoln: [coughs] "Is that perfume?"

Casper: [coughs] It's almost as bad as my Uncle Stinkie's breath.

Clyde: "Yeah. It's my Nana's."

Lincoln: "Here are the blueprints for the vents." [hands Clyde a drawing of them with some red stuff all over it.]

Clyde: "Are these food stains?"

Lincoln: "I eat ketchup sandwiches while I floor-plan."

Me: Why?

Lincoln: There's no reason for it.

[hears a door opening]

Lincoln: "Quiet! Lori's coming!"

[Lori locks the door to her room and enters the security password, just like in the dramatization.]

Lincoln: "Okay, let's do this."

Clyde: [hops over to the position from the dramatization.] "I'M IN POSITION!"

[The loud feedback on the other end knocks Lincoln back.]

Me: Ouch! Did you really need to shout that loudly?

Clyde: I'm really sorry, but I'm feeling nervous.

Lincoln: "Roger that." [sees Lola writing Lily up for not wearing her diaper.]

Lola: "No, I can't let you off with a warning!"

Lily: [laughs]

[Lincoln sneaks by, but Cliff gets on his hat and starts padding it; Lincoln shoos him off only for the cat's tail to hit his nose and stifles a sneeze with Lily's diaper.]

Lola: "Next time, remember. This is a mandatory diaper zone!"

[Lincoln realizes he just used it and throws up; this gets the twin guards' attention, and he's hiding up the doorway, but his hands are covered in ketchup, causing him to slip.]

Lincoln: "Gah...ketchup fingers..."

[The twins see Lily crawling away.]

Lana: "She's making a crawl for it!"

[They chase after her; Lincoln managed to sneak into the vents.]

Lincoln: "Clyde, I'm in."

Casper: So am I.

[Lucy is right next to him.]

Lucy: "Hey, Lincoln. Casper."

Lincoln: [screams] "Lucy! What are you doing in here?"

Lucy: "I come here to think. I actually just wrote a new poem called "Ventilate".

Casper: Let's hear it.

Lucy: Inside the wall

I choose to be alone

If I ever get stuck

Please listen for my moan."

Lincoln: [nervous] "Right." [chuckles] "Clyde, get me to Lori's room, now." [creeps away from Lucy]

Casper: That is a nice poem, Lucy.

Lucy: Thank you, Casper. I put a lot of work into it.

Clyde: "Go three clicks, and a right. Or was it three rights and a click? Wait. What's a click?"

This makes everyone facepalm.

Me: A click is one kilometer, Clyde.

Clyde: Oh, that makes sense.

Lincoln: [crawling around] "Never mind. I think I'm there." [falls through the vent hatch and slips; Lucy catches him before he hits the bathroom floor.

Casper: I've got you.

Lincoln fell through him.

Casper: Oh, never mind.

Lucy: "Hey, Lincoln."

Lincoln: "Phew. Thanks, Luce."

Lucy: You're welcome, Lincoln. Are you okay?

Casper: You're not hurt right.

[Lincoln's radio fell into the toilet.]

Clyde: "Lincoln! Is everything okay?"

Lincoln: [swings and plunges the radio out] "Yeah, Clyde." [groans at the soggy texture his radio has been contaminated with.] "Everything's perfect."

[More vent excavations]

Lincoln: "I've got eyes on the package."

Clyde: "Package? What about Lori's phone?"

Me: He meant Lori's phone.

[Lincoln facepalms and enters Lori's room via a red rope; however, it seems to be coming undone.]

Lincoln: "Clyde, what kind of rope is this?"

Clyde: "Cherry licorice rope."

Casper: Why licorice rope?

Clyde: I couldn't find anything else.

Lincoln: Guys, the licorice is breaking!

[Lincoln screams and thuds onto the floor; this gets Lori's attention as she heads up the stairs to check it out.]

Clyde: [frantic] "Lincoln! Lori's coming!" [suave] "Don't worry, I'll stall her." [draws a fake mustache on his upper lip and takes his shirt off and approaches Lori, only to be stunned by her beauty.]

Lori: "What?"

[Clyde suddenly gets a nasty nosebleed from his shyness.]

Lori: "Ugh! Gross!" [runs to her room]

[Lincoln is just about to delete the message when he hears Lori just about to come on; she enters and looks around with a displeased look on her face; Lincoln is hiding under her bed; Lori kicks off her shoes right under them and they hit Lincoln in his face.]

Lincoln: "Ugh!" [shuts his mouth]

Lori: [suspiciously checks under her bed] "So, this is where all my shoes are." [sees all her shoes and boots under her bed]

[Lincoln had escaped her line of sight and tried reaching for the phone, but Walt perched right onto it and bit Lincoln's finger, making him hold in his yelp of pain; Lori's phone finishes charging.]

Lori: "Finally." [takes phone] "Ooh! New messages! I'm so loved!" [leaves]

Lincoln: [panicking] "Mission is compromised! The package is on the move! Clyde?"

[Clyde has covered his nostrils with tissues to clear up the bleeding.]

Lincoln: "Clyde! Do you read me?!"

Me: Sorry Lincoln, he passed out.

Casper: I even went through him a few times and he still wouldn't wake up.

[Lori is listening to all of her messages she got.]

Message 1: "Hey, babe. It's Bobby. Do you think we'll always be together?"

Lori: "Aww! Totes saving that one!" [saves it]

[Clyde faints again]

Message 2: "Hey, babe. This is Bobby again. Should our couple name be Bori or Lobby?"

Lori: [saves it] "Saved."

[Lincoln hurries to stop Lori from getting to his message, but the twins stop him.]

Lola: "We warned you, dirtbag!"

Lana: "It's the clink for Linc!"

Luan breaks out of the crate.

Lincoln: "Look! Luan's making a jailbreak!"

[The twins turn around and Lincoln makes a break for it downstairs.]

Lana: "Hey!"

Luan: Coppers, you'll never take me alive!

She runs past them at high speed.

Lola: "Oh, forget that bum. They are out of our jurisdiction now."

Lana: "Yeah. Let's get doughnuts."

[They head out for a doughnut break; Lincoln gets downstairs and finds out that he's too late and Lori is already listening to his hateful message.]

Message: "Hey, Lori. It's your dear brother, Lincoln."

Lincoln: "Lori!" [slow motion diving at her] "NOOOOO!" [thuds at normal speed] "Ugh!"

Message: "There's something I've been meaning to tell you. You are..."

[Lincoln looks on in horror, but Lori deletes it before the rant can begin.]

Lori: [angry] "Ugh! Delete! Lincoln, there are two rules in this house: stay out of my room, and never call my phone! My voicemail is full enough without useless messages from you!"

Lincoln: [sarcastically relieved] "Gee, Lori, I'm sorry."

Lori: [calms down] "But, I'm going to let it slide this time 'cause you were so mature when I broke your stupid toy."

Lincoln: [sheepishly chuckles] "Yeah, right. That's me. Mr. Mature."

[Lori gets a call and answers it.]

Lori: "Bobby. Only 12 messages today? I thought you cared about me."

Me: That was close.

Casper: Yeah, I thought we were goners.

Lincoln: [sighs with relief; to the viewers] "Next time I have a problem with one of my sisters, I'll just talk to them instead of leaving a message or writing a nasty letter." [realizing] Speaking of which, where is that letter?" [looks around for it but can't find it.]

We help Lincoln look for the letter.

Casper: Guys, I think I found it.

Casper points to the floor in the bathroom.

Lincoln: Noooo!

Lori: [plucking nose hairs while talking to Bobby] "If you want our couple name to be Lobby, you're going to have to show a little-" [sees something on the floor] "What's this? Why Lori is the worst sister ever? [fuming] Bobby, I gotta go. I'm about to turn Lincoln into a human pretzel!"

[Lincoln is scratching his head and jumps in shocked as Lori burst out of the bathroom with the letter on her hand showing the letter to him]

Lori: [furious] "LINCOLN! WHAT IS THIS?!"

Lincoln: "Well, it's time to do the official dance of the Loud House: the Running Man!" [puts on his new game goggles and starts dancing away from Lori's wrath.]

Lori: [exasperatingly rages] "WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, I'M GONNA-"

[Luna rocks out to censor Lori's rant of revenge, just like she did for Lincoln.]

Me: Hold on Lincoln, I got you!

I hold out my hand, and an icy wind comes out and freezes her in place. Lincoln and Casper were surprised when that happened.

Lincoln: Thanks David for saving me. But how did you freeze her?

Casper: Yeah.

Luna: [stops playing] Dude, that was awesome.

Me: I can freeze things with my hand using an icy wind.

Casper: Awesome.

Luna: Cool.

Lincoln: I'm grateful for what you did and everything. But when can you unthaw her?

THE END

Sorry for the cliffhanger, but I wanted to end it right there.