Mob didn't know what was going on.
She had come home and her night had gone like normal. She and her family had dinner, she and ho did some school work, she drew Sho a bath, they watched TV, and then she put him to bed. Then she took her bath, like normal, and then dad took his bath. That was normal. That was how their nights usually went. She had thought, from how things had gone, that the rest of the night would be normal. She and dad would sit in his bed and watch TV and play Minecraft until they got tired and went to bed. Then they would sleep and wake up and then they would do it all again. That was life. That was their life together. Their normal, everyday, life.
But then when she went to dad's room with her laptop he decided to be very…not normal.
"I asked you if you wanted to sleep in your own bed." Said dad. Mob knew that he had asked her if she wanted to sleep in her own bed. That was…not normal. He was the one who wanted her to sleep next to him. He was the one that carried her to his bed when she tried to sleep in her own bed. Why was he just asking her now?
"What do you mean?" asked Mob. She knew what the words that he was saying meant, she spoke Japanese, but she didn't know what he was asking her. If it hadn't been dad speaking to her then she would have thought that this was some kind of trick. Dad never played tricks though, he always said what he meant and meant what he said, but the only problem was the Mob had no idea what it was that he even meant.
"Exactly what I said. You've been sleeping next to me every night for the past few weeks. Do you want to sleep in your own bed?" asked dad. Mob knew the answer. Yes. She wanted to sleep in her own bed…for a little bit at least. Was this going to be permanent? Did dad hate her now? Was he mad at her? Why would he just kick her out of bed like this? She had no clue…dad had wanted her to be near him at all time but now…now all of a sudden he wanted her gone….?
"I…don't understand." Said Mob. She knew that dad would get mad at her for not understanding him but…but she needed to understand. She needed to do her best to understand what it was the he even wanted from her. She was just…she had no idea what it was that he even wanted from her right then. To go away? Was this a test? Did he want her to tell him that she wanted to stay? Or did he know that she had been wanting to go back to her own room and now he was trying to test her to see if she would lie to him? But he wouldn't test her….would he? Sometimes he sent people on pointless missions to test their loyalty but this wasn't a mission…and also he didn't need to test her loyalty. She was his Daughter. She was loyal. She would never, ever, ever betray him in a million, billion, trillion years. She loved him and when you loved someone you did not betray them. Ever.
"What don't you understand about what I just said?" asked dad. Mob didn't know where to even start from. She was there, in his door way, and she just wanted nothing more than to climb into bed next to him and…and make this ok. Even though she had been getting tired of Minecraft and tired of sitting next to him all night she still wanted to be there in bed next to him…that was the thing that she most wanted to understand. Her own feelings.
"The part about sleeping in my own bed. You…you want me to sleep next to you, right? Because you still love me and stuff, right?" asked Mob. Had he stopped loving her like he had stopped loving Sho? Well he loved Sho but…but not that much. Not enough to stay up all night playing games with him and watching TV and letting him cuddle up next to him at night and stuff. He loved Sho enough to keep him around and to give him the Earth when he grew up and all of that stuff. He sort of loved Sho…did he sort of love her now, too?
The thought of dad not loving her anymore, even though his love can be so scary, makes her hair try to rise up.
She holds onto her hair with one hand and her laptop with the other. Today they were going to start building their electric rail system. They finally had enough gold and red rocks to make it happen. They were also supposed to watch Mulan because dad liked that movie. He liked the part with the mountain and all of those people died in the snow…and also he called it one of her princess movies even though Mulan wasn't royalty at all but instead she was a normal farmer…..and also he was always making her fast forward or rewind to parts he liked…but she still did like watching movies with him…but now he didn't like watching movies with her anymore….and she had no idea why…or what she even wanted…
She had wanted some space from him for a while now…but now…now she didn't know anymore….
"I asked you what you wanted. Do you want to sleep in your own bed? Yes or no?" asked dad. He was saying words but Mob had no idea what they meant. She knew that he was asking her if she wanted to sleep in her own bed…but she was bad at talking. She was so bad at talking and that was why she didn't understand what it was that dad was telling her…
"Uh….I still don't get it." Said Mob. She knew that dad hated it when she didn't get it but…but he would rather dad be mad at her for not getting it than being mad at her for whatever it was that she had done to make him so mad. Was it because she had stayed with the Awakened to judge their four legged race? Which was just a three legged race but one guy had a broom as a crutch which was dumb and dad hated it when they did dumb stuff and he was always telling her not to encourage them…was that what she had done? Or did he know that she had been vaping fun vapes? Or was it because she was stealing from his fancy bottles in his office again? Or was it because she had snacked on cereal straight out of the box even though he said that it was gross?
She didn't know. She just did not know.
"I'm speaking Japanese. It's a simple question." Said dad. His aura was pointy and she knew that he was upsetting him by not answering his question…but how could she answer his question when she had no idea what it was that he wanted to hear?
"I know that you're speaking Japanese, dad, I just don't understand why you're asking me if I want to sleep in my own bed. Whenever I try to sleep in my own bed you carry me back here. I don't know why you're asking me if I want to sleep in my own bed if you're just going to carry me back here." Said Mob. There. That was to the point. Dad liked it when she was to the point. Dad liked it when she spoke like that, in her normal way of speaking, but now…now his aura was still pointy and his eyes were narrowed like he was mad and not like he was happy being next to her and….and she just wanted this to stop. She wanted this to stop and she could rewind to last night or this afternoon or…or something. She didn't know. She just wanted to go back in time to when things made sense.
Maybe back to being a little kid, then. Everything made more sense back then.
"I won't disturb you if you choose to sleep in your own bed." Said dad. He said that and he meant it, he didn't lie, but she had no idea why he was saying that. Why did he want her gone? She was having trouble keeping her powers together. She hadn't had any fun vape in a while and she hadn't had anything to drink, either. She just…she just…..she just….she just didn't know….and not knowing was really the worst and…and she wished that…that things just made sense and…
Conceal, don't feel. Power is nothing without control.
"Are…are you kicking me out? Did I do something wrong? Is it because I keep on hugging you in my sleep? Because I tried, before, to sleep on my back like you do but it's not that comfortable." Said Mob
"Yes it is." Said dad
"It's comfortable for you but not me…but if I made you mad at me then I can…I can do better." Said Mob. She didn't want to be stuck to dad's side forever but…but she didn't want dad to not like her anymore either. Dad didn't ever do things in half measures, he had said once, and that included loving his kids. You either got all of his love or none of his love…and right now Mob had no idea which one was worse. If she had all of his love then she would have to spend every moment of her life with him and never see her friends and never have a boyfriend or marry Hatori or even hang out with him….or anyone…even her own little brother who would grow up and get married and have his own family and she would never see him again….
But if dad didn't love her then….then he wouldn't love her anymore….
She had never felt more bad for Sho than she did in that moment….and didn't that just make her the worst sort of person? She knew that dad didn't love Sho as much as her and she had known this for her whole life but…but she had never thought about it this much. About how Sho was treated. Not until she knew that it was going to happen to her…and wasn't she just the worst person ever to live? She was so selfish and terrible and no wonder dad didn't like her anymore.
Conceal, don't feel. Power is nothing without control.
"I am not angry at you. I am angry with myself." Said dad. That…now Mob was even more confused. She was even more confused and she just wanted things to go back to how they were before even though she didn't like how things had been and she had bene wanting change…but now…Princess and the Frog rules. She got what she wanted but she lost what she had…but couldn't she have what she wanted and also what she had? Why couldn't dad love her in half measures?
Had she done something?
Had she been a bad daughter and that was why he was mad at himself? Why he was talking his love away? She must have done something…was it because she kept on making ice castles? Was it because she accidentally dug too deep and made lava come up? Was it because she wouldn't let him put turrets and other defenses around her ice palace?
She wished that he would just tell her what she had done and…and how she could fix it. How she could be a good daughter again?
"Why? Maybe I can help-" said Mob. There must have been something that she could do. There must have been some way that she could make him love her again…even if it meant that he would go back to being all…making her feel like she couldn't breathe. She didn't want that. She didn't want to feel like she couldn't breathe, like she was trapped, like there was no way out…she wanted…she wanted dad to love had and she wanted to be able to spend time with her friends and brother…and she wished that it wasn't an either/or thing….
But wishes didn't come true even if you folded a thousand paper cranes.
"You can't. Now what is your answer?" asked dad. Mob could feel tears…and she could see her aura…and she knew that she was just making dad madder…and she wanted to stop…she wanted this whole thing to stop…..and she had no idea how to make it all stop…..but she knew that if she stayed he would just get madder and madder and she would start crying…and he hated crying…
"Um….my own bed….I guess…" said Mob softly. She needed…she had wanted this for so long….but she hadn't wanted to lose dad…but maybe he would ask her to stay and…and then they could go back to normal…but a version of normal where she was allowed to hang out with Sho and her friends and stuff…
"Then go." Said dad. Mob didn't say anything else. She just took her laptop and walked to her room. She knew that if she said something else then she would start to cry. She knew that if she started to cry then dad would never like her again…if he ever liked her again….if he even still liked her now….or if he had stopped liking her and…and he just…she just…she didn't know.
So she went back to her own bed.
She put her laptop down on the floor even though she was always telling Sho never to do that. He was asleep. He had kicked his blankets off. She could see his scars, sort of, in the light coming in from the outside. That was called ambient light. Dad had taught her that. Dad had taught her so many things…and now he would never teach her anything ever again…or maybe not…she didn't know. She did know that she should have been happy, dad was leaving her alone now.
She had wanted this.
She sat down on her bed. She couldn't see the time on the alarm clock. Shimazaki's birthday gift was in front of it. Now she could go and see him tomorrow and give him his birthday gifts and then…then she could hang out with her friends like she had wanted for a while. A long while. She was…she was happy. Now she and Minegishi could hang out again. They could go to Starbucks together even though Minegishi said that the coffee there was consistently mediocre no matter what country they were in…and dad had gotten her coffee so she didn't have to leave him to go spend time with Minegishi…but…but she just didn't know…
She wanted to see her friends.
She didn't want to be alone. She didn't want to be all alone with dad. She didn't want to have dad look at her with his eyes all scary and his aura crushing her and….and too much of his love could be scary…but not having his love at all was just so…sad. Sho…he hardly got any of dad's love…and it must have been so hard for him…and she had thought that she knew how hard it was for him but now that she was faced with being treated the way that he was….she was just so selfish. She was selfish. She loved Sho and she was so selfish.
She loved Sho so much.
She wasn't tired. She wasn't tired and she didn't want to go to bed but…but she didn't want to be alone. She didn't want dad's aura to crush hers and his eyes to get all weird and him to just…keep her by him…but she also didn't want to be alone. She didn't want to be alone and…and she didn't know what she even wanted anymore!
Her hair was floating.
Her laptop floated up off the ground. Her dolls came up from their places in their doll box, they all had their own spots, but now they were mixed up. Sho's drawings were coming up off the walls. A stuffed animal hit her over the head. She took a deep breath and tried to make this stop before she woke Sho up. Waking Sho up would be the worst, the very worst, because he was little and needed his sleep and she had already been selfish enough and…and she didn't want to feel this way…and she didn't want to be alone and…
She reached down in between her mattress and her box spring.
She kept her private stuff there. Some of her mangas, the ones that she liked to read when she was all alone and close her eyes and think about….stuff that she shouldn't have thought about, her vape pen, her fun vape pen, her lighter from when she smoked cigarettes, and a tiny bottle that she had taken from the last time that she had ridden in an airplane. She knew that she shouldn't have had that, she knew that she should have only had a capful like Minegishi had told her, but she also knew that she couldn't lose control of her powers.
Conceal, don't feel. Power is nothing without control.
She drank the whole thing at once. She knew that she was supposed to sip it. Minegishi had always told her to sip it. They said that moderation was important. They said that Mob needed to pace herself. They said…they were such a good friend and she cared so much about them, and she would make it up to them later but…but she had big feelings right now and big feelings meant that she lost control of her powers and…and a power that big came with a bigger expense. Dad said that. Dad said that both of them had to constantly control their feelings because having powers this big came with a bigger expense….
A power that big came with a bigger expense.
Mob hated that. Minegishi said that it was cheap plum wine and that cheap plum wine was terrible. That tasted nothing like plums. It tasted like burning but then again it all tasted like burning to her. That was why she had to mix it in milk and stuff. Minegishi said that mixing was better because it meant that Mob drank less…even though she always ended up drinking more because she couldn't taste it…and she would make it up to Minegishi later, how she had disobeyed them and stuff, but right now she needed to calm down.
Her stomach hurt.
She had drank too fast and now her stomach hurt. It would take some time to feel good, to calm down totally and completely, longer than it had before. Minegishi said that her tolerance was getting better because she was ten now and she had been eight when she had started. That was also why she had to pace herself. She could drink more now without feeling it and Minegishi said that being able to drink a lot was not a good thing…but then Shimazaki said that it was…and the whole thing was contradictory….but she needed to calm down and she would think about this later. She would think about everything later.
She didn't want to think right now.
She felt….dizzy. She liked vaping a lot better than drinking, really, because vaping made her head feel foggy but drinking made her feel dizzy and sometimes sick. Shimazaki said that smoking was better than drinking too but he also said that stuff to drink was easier to get than stuff to smoke. Especially in Japan, he had said. Amsterdam was best, he had said, and Mob wanted to know why but then Minegishi told him to shut up and Mob didn't want to make them fight.
She hated it when people fought.
Had she and dad fought just now? No, he hadn't hit her or pushed her or pulled her hair or anything like that. He hadn't even yelled at her…but she felt like she had been punished. She felt like she had been punished for something and she didn't even know what. Maybe wanted to be away from him. Maybe thinking all the time about how she wanted to be away from him. Maybe always looking for excused to walk through the building to get away from him. She didn't know. She just…she had wanted this…and she still wanted this….she wanted….
She wanted dad to love her but she also wanted to be able to have friends and be a person away from him.
She also didn't want to be alone. She felt dizzy and light, sort of. Her powers had stopped trying to pick everything up and stuff. Sho was still asleep. He was in the deepest part of his sleep. She could tell by the kicked and snoring and drooling. She got up from her bed and immediately fell back down. She had stepped on one of her dolls. It was one of her Elsa dolls, the one that she gave a haircut to so they could match. She needed to go in the box next to haircut Anna and haircut Rapunzel….and she would clean up later. Tomorrow. Right now she needed to get up.
The second time went much better than the first.
She got up and was careful not to step on anything. Not a doll or a drawing or a stuffed animal or a gun dart or a lego, she was especially careful of Sho's legos, until she made it to Sho's bed. His back must have been cold. She pulled his shirt down. He had moved in his sleep and his shirt had ridden up so she fixed it. Now he was ok. Now she could go back to her own bed…but then…then she would be all alone and she didn't….she didn't want that…because a bed with no person in it was a cold bed. That was what dad had said. She had wanted, wished, for so many nights that she could sleep in her own bed…and now that she had what she wanted…
She still wanted it.
She wanted to sleep in her own bed and be with her own friends and have fun on her own and just…just be MOB for once and not DAUGHTER. She had to be DAUGHTER all the time when she was with dad and she…she was so sick of it….but also she wanted him to love her and it was just….too much! This whole thing was too much and if she wasn't so dizzy and stuff then her powers would have been acting up but they weren't and…and that was a good thing and…and she wanted to be in her own bed but she also didn't want to be alone….
She got what she wanted but she lost when she had.
She didn't want to be alone. She wanted…she didn't want to have to be Daughter. Daughter was always with dad and did what he liked when he liked it and always said what he wanted her to say and did what he wanted her to do…like she was his doll or something. But she was not a doll. She was a person and she wanted things too…and now she had the things that she wanted….but she had lost him. He could be ok, sometimes, and…and she didn't know if those times when he acted ok, maybe even nice, outweighed the times when he did not act ok. The times when he did not act like…like he acted all the time….the times when she wanted to be with him…
She didn't want to be alone.
Sho was there. He was there and….and she loved him so much. She loved her little brother so much and…and she had been away from him for so long. They used to be best friends and…and since she had started hanging out with dad they hadn't played together once and…and she wanted to be with him and to play with him…but not play with him because it was in the middle of the night…
She got in bed next to him.
His bed was a one person bed. They used to be able to fit together in a one person bed when they had been little kids. They were big kids now, though, and it was hard to fit in the bed without waking him up. She moved slowly, very slowly, and eased herself into his bed until she was laying down. He kicked her in his sleep. She didn't mind. She reached down and pulled the covers up over them. He loved this Zootopia blanket even though it was old and faded and also there were stains on it from food and stuff. It was nice and warm, though, and it felt nice. This whole thing felt nice. Dad was right, getting into a warm bed was the best. She got as close to Sho as she could without waking him up and closed her eyes.
It was bedtime now.