Things were weird at home.
At least they had been weird at home last Sho had checked. He had gone home with dad after work and then went right to Fukuda's house. He had stayed there for a while waiting for him to come back, and also ate his snacks even though they sucked, and it had been boring. It had been better than being at home though. Home had a weird atmosphere. He didn't like it. Home was all…not good right now. Dad had decided that he didn't like big sis as much anymore and now she was being all weird.
And stupid.
She was being weird and stupid. She was always trying to hold him and hug him and sleep next to him and stuff. He didn't want that. He didn't want to be held or hugged or any of that and he certainly didn't want her sleeping next to him. He needed his sleep and it was so hard to sleep with someone holding on to him and taking up the entire bed, almost. She had her own bed to sleep in and she should have slept there. There or with dad…but dad didn't like her anymore. That was what had gotten her so upset. Dad didn't like her anymore and she was all sad and stuff.
Sho didn't care.
That was a jerk thought to have. He loved big sis, he really did, but he also just didn't care that dad was being a jerk to her. Dad wasn't even being as bad as he could be but big sis was carrying on like dad was treating her the way that he had been treating him for his entire life. She was all upset over nothing and worried over nothing and just…all of that over nothing. Over dad not looking at her or talking to her or playing Minecraft with her anymore or letting her sleep in his bed. Sho would have played her a sad song on the world's smallest violin if he'd had any idea at all how to even begin to get ahold of the world's smallest violin. She had no idea what she was even talking about when she said that dad was treating her like he didn't like her anymore.
Sho hadn't seen any bruises on her.
None at all. They didn't take baths together anymore, not that often anyway, but they still changed clothes in the same room and stuff. She had been perfectly fine. She hadn't had any scratches or bumps or bruises or anything. She had just been normal looking so, really, she had no idea what she was talking about. She had no idea how bad dad could be. She had no idea how hard things could get. She had no idea what could happen to her, what dad could do to her, and if she honestly thought that this was the worst that dad could do then she had another thing coming.
Those were jerk thoughts to have.
Sho loved his sister and he knew that he should not have been thinking about her having another thing coming, about wanting her to have another thing coming, because he knew fully well that was coming if dad ever really and truly decided that he didn't like her anymore. Dad would hit her. He hit her sometimes but never for real and almost never with his actual hands. He mostly just shoved her and pulled her hair with his powers and even those times were rare. Sho couldn't even think of a single time this year when something like that had happened to her. Dad had always been super nice to her. Dad was nice to her because she had been born right and Sho had been born wrong and…and that was just the whole of it.
Even when dad didn't like her anymore he still treated her better than he had ever treated Sho in his life…and he could not begin to understand….any of this.
She must have done something really bad to make dad treat her like this but Sho didn't know what. He couldn't think of a single thing that she had done or that she could have done or…or anything. She was big sis. She never did anything wrong. She didn't even know how to do things that were wrong. Not like Sho. So was always wrong, everything about him was wrong, and dad had never been shy about telling him that everything about him was just so very wrong…the most wrong. Dad had never been shy about trying to make him less wrong, about hitting him to try and make him less wrong, but he wasn't doing anything at all to big sis.
That was something that Sho should have been happy about.
He should have been happy that his big sister wasn't getting hit. That she had no idea how bad dad could be. That she was safe and sound even though dad was treating her like she was invisible. She wasn't invisible, she was very visible, but dad…he was still just being dad. He was still being a jerk. He is, was, and always would be a jerk…but he was more of a jerk to Sho than he had ever been to big sis in her entire life….
And Sho hated himself for feeling this way.
"Sho? Are you alright?" asked Fukuda. Sho had gone all quiet. They were sitting at the kitchen table playing Sho's game again, not what Fukuda wanted to do after a long day of dealing with all the little fires that made up Claw, and even though he didn't feel like it he still did it for Sho. He had just been so down lately there must have been something that Fukuda could do…and it was this…so why not just do this?
Fukuda wished that there was more that he could do.
What he wanted to do was get Sho out of here and give him the life that he should have had. Suzuki was doing something else stupid. Fukuda wasn't sure what but Sho had been coming over every single day upset that his sister was being clingy and also trying to trade beds with him for some reason, and of course this came back to Suzuki and his terrible parenting somehow….and there was nothing that Fukuda could do about that. He had talked to Suzuki and those talks had to be spaced FAR apart otherwise they would rapidly lose their impact. No, it was best to let Suzuki cool down from the last one.
At least he wasn't taking it out on Sho.
The kids were fine. Sho was fine, anyway, because he hadn't come to Fukuda with any new injuries to heal. Shigeko must have been fine though she hardly ever came to him when she was injured these days…either that or she never got injured. Or nobody was injuring her. Suzuki had never been hit as a kid, his parents were too nice for that, but for some reason he had been hitting Sho, and to a significantly lesser extend Shigeko, since the kids had been small. Well he had always been a violent man but still. Anyone could have told him that he was making some big mistakes there….
Not Fukuda, though, because he had already tried to bring this up once before when Sho had been about three or four and that conversation…the outcome had not been good at all.
So there was nothing he could do…and he had to be content with doing a little more than nothing. He had to be content with just being able to be there for Sho in the ways that he could. Like sitting up late into the night with him playing videogames when he would much rather have been sitting in bed with a cold beer waiting for tomorrow to happen. But that was not an option now. He had made a promise to Masami and he was going to do his best to keep it.
Sho needed him.
"No, not really. I feel like shit." Said Sho. There was not any point at all in hiding things from Fukuda. He was Fukuda. He was always there to listen and he always made Sho feel better. Not like how dad asked if there was something wrong. He never meant with Sho. He always meant 'was there something happening in Claw' or something. He only cared if Sho was upset if it had something to do with Claw or whatever.
"Language." Said Fukuda instinctively. At some point Sho had started cursing…and Fukuda knew why. It was the company he kept. He needed to keep Sho close for his own good. He was only nine years old, he didn't need to be cursing or whatever else the adults around him got up to.
"What language do you want me to say it in?" asked Sho even though he knew that was not at all what Fukuda meant. He did his best impression of big sis when he said that even though he knew that Fukuda wouldn't buy it. Only big sis could get away with being so clueless. Probably because she was just, naturally, a very clueless person.
"Come on, you know what I meant. I want you to stop with the cursing already. You're only nine, that's too young to be cursing like that." Said Fukuda
"I'm almost ten." Said Sho. He was nine years and eleven months old. Less than that, actually, but he didn't want to start counting days. He was almost ten and if he wanted to curse then he could curse. He wasn't a baby and he could say whatever he wanted to say. Besides, what was Fukuda going to do? Tell dad on him? Fukuda never did things like that. He was way too nice and he cared about Sho too much. He knew what dad would do to him, how dad would punish him, and he wouldn't want that to happen to Sho.
"Ten is too young to be cursing like that. Besides, I know that you're smarter than that. You can say what's on your mind without curing. You're a good person like that, Sho." said Fukuda. Sho should not have been talking like that. Masami would not have wanted that and Fukuda did not want that. He was only nine. He was not supposed to be talking like that or…or living the sort of life that he was living now. This was just…not the life for him or for any child…and there was nothing that Fukuda could do besides sit there and listen and try to fix things when he could….
"I'm not." Said Sho. That was the last thing that he wanted to hear. He knew that he should have been happy that Fukuda was saying something nice to him but he did not need to hear nice lies like that just to feel better. He would rather have heard the truth, that he was a jerk, than have had to sit there and listen to lies.
"Yes, you are." Said Fukuda. How there could be such a disconnect between how Sho saw himself and how he existed in reality Fukuda would never know. It was like a reverse Suzuki situation. Suzuki thought that he was God's gift to mankind, that he was the smartest and greatest and most powerful man to ever live, and that the world would be better off ruled by him. He couldn't see how near universally hated he was. He couldn't see how much worse off the world was for having him in it. Somehow Sho had ended with all the humility in the world while his father had none whatsoever. He got it from his mother. Masami had always been so humble and hardworking and put upon and…and she had not deserved the life that she had led just like Sho did not deserve the life that he was leading now.
"No, I'm not." Said Sho. This was worse than when big sis said stuff like this to him. At least he expected her to tell him stuff like this. She meant it because no matter how terrible someone was to her she would always love them no matter what. She was a lot like mom like that. No matter how bad Sho had been mom had never once told him that he was terrible or that she was ashamed of him or that she wished that she'd had someone else, anyone else, for a son. Sho was a jerk like dad. He took after dad. He looked like dad and he acted like dad and maybe one day in the future he would look in the mirror and only be able to see dad, not himself, just dad complete with the eyebrows that looked exactly like angry caterpillars.
"Yes, Sho, you are." Said Fukuda. He wished that he could get Sho to see himself for who he was, not who he thought he was, but this was one of the rare ways in which he took after his father. Back when they had been young, when they had just made friends, Fukuda had made it his mission in life to get Suzuki Touichirou to see how weird he was and to get him to take steps to be a nicer and more normal person. Obviously that hadn't worked out at all. Sho was the same way…as much as it pain Fukuda to think about it, Sho could be somewhat like his father.
But he was mostly like Masami.
Sure Sho showed the same violent streak that Suzuki had and sure he could be a little bit overbearing sometimes and sure he only saw himself the way he existed in his own mind, not reality, but he was also a sweet, kind, and nurturing boy. He was the sort of person who tried to save a next of baby birds because he thought that the mother had abandoned them. He was the sort of person who had taken care of a baby at nine years old because she needed him. He was the sort of person who put up with Shigeko alternating between bossing him around like an overzealous nanny and smothering him like it was wartime and the enemy was closing in. Sho put up with a lot and…and he could be violent sometimes…but at least he saw that he had done something wrong in being violent and at least he always apologized.
He was nothing…almost nothing…like his father and Fukuda would be forever grateful for that.
"Will you just stop saying that? I'm not." Said Sho. He was getting mad now…but what else was new? He was always mad about something it seemed. Right now he was just…he was so mad at Fukuda…because he kept on saying things that Sho knew for a fact were not true. He was not a good person. Good people did not have mean thoughts like that about their sisters. Good people did not want their sisters to know just how bad life with their dads could be. Good people did not wish, just a little bit, that she could see just how bad things could get.
He was not a good person.
He had been trying for so long to be a good person but…but he just couldn't. Not with all of these thoughts in his head. Not with so much meanness inside of him all the time. He was trying so hard, so very hard, to be a good person…but maybe in trying to be a good person he was just proving to himself that he was not a good person. Like how people who went around talking about how smart they were actually weren't that smart or like how people who had to tell other people how nice they were really weren't that nice in the first place.
Maybe there was just no hope for him.
"Yes you are. Sho, you are a good person. You're good to all the people around you even when you don't have to be. You're a good person and-" said Fukuda. Sho slammed his laptop shut. Fukuda would have said more but now he knew that he had said too much. Sho was like a tire fire when he got like this. The best thing to do was just to let him burn himself out.
"No, I'm not. You don't know what goes on in my head. If you knew what went on in my head then you would know how bad of a person I really was!" said Sho. He should not have slammed his laptop closed like that. Now it was probably broken. Now it was probably broken and he would need a new one and also his Minecraft guy had probably died and also now he wouldn't be able to play and he had to play because otherwise he would have had no reason to be in Fukuda's house and then he would have to go back to his house and deal with that weird atmosphere and then big sis would try and sleep next to him or hug him or try and talk about how sad she was that dad was treating her like he didn't like her anymore even though she didn't know the half of it and-
There was a hand on his back.
"Sho, talk to me. Tell me what's happening in your head right now. Talk to me about what's bothering you. I may or may not be able to fix it but I know that once you talk about it you'll feel much better." Said Fukuda softly. He put some of his power into that. He helped get rid of some of those stress hormones running through Sho's bloodstream. He didn't like doing this, he tried to use his powers only to heal, but Sho was like a tire fire when he got like this. In a tire fire you had to let it burn because there was no way to put it out…but that didn't mean that you wouldn't have put the fire out if you could. Who the hell wanted a pile of burning tires? Nobody. Just like nobody wanted to see a nine year old boy beat himself up like that over things that…that he probably should not even have had to have been worried about.
"I…I feel really bad. I feel really bad because big sis keeps on trying to sleep next to me and…and we keep on having to switch beds even though we've never done that before…and also I threw her stuff around and…and I was a jerk when I did that. I keep on thinking of doing that again. I keep on thinking of doing all kinds of mean things to her because…because I'm just a jerk. I'm such a jerk to her and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do to change or even if I can change. I just…I have all of these thoughts in my head…" said Sho
"Sho, no, they're just thoughts. We all have thoughts in our heads that we shouldn't have. What matters is if we act on them or not." Said Fukuda. Also if you had good reason to act on them then…then it was ok…but he was not opening up that discussion right now. That discussion was best left to when…when certain things, certain events of the past, we revealed to him…if ever.
"But…but sometimes I do act on them. I kick walls and I throw things and…and sometimes I even think about hitting her and it's like I'm going to hit her so I just kick another hole in the walls or I throw things or I just yell and…and I don't want to have to do stuff like that and I think that I'm a bad person because I keep on thinking like that." Said Sho
"There's nothing wrong with thinking…thinking about doing things like that. We all think about doing things that we know we would never do in real life. You stopping hitting her and you stopped being mean to her. That's fine. I bet that you're sorry that you threw her things around. That's good. As long as you realize that your actions hurt others and then you apologize then you're…you're just fine." Said Fukuda. Sho had a violent streak in him and it was looking to be more than just a phase. What he needed was a psychologist, not a healer, and a mother as well. Well Fukuda was going to do his best by Sho. Besides, it could have been worse. He wasn't anything like his father had been when they had been kids. True he had met Suzuki at thirteen but he knew that the person that Suzuki had been at thirteen had not just appeared overnight. He must have been at least ten times the terror that Sho ever was.
Sho was….Sho could have been a lot worse.
"But…but there is. Big sis keeps on telling me that…that dad doesn't like her anymore and that he's treating her like he doesn't like her anymore but…but she has no idea how dad treats the people that he doesn't like. It isn't good. Dad is just so…so mean to the people that he doesn't like. To me. He hits me and…and he's never once his her how he's hit me and…and when she talks about how sad she is that dad's treating her like she's invisible it just…it makes me want to hurt her." said Sho. He felt like the worst person who ever lived admitting all of that to Fukuda. He should have been a better person than that. He should have been happy that his big sis wasn't getting hit or hurt or yelled at. He should have been happy that dad, even at his worst with her, was nothing at all like what his worst was with Sho. He should have been happy, relieved even that she wasn't being hurt, but he just…wasn't.
Little brothers were supposed to protect their big sisters.
But he was doing a terrible job of protecting her. He was being a terrible little brother. He should have done more for her, been there for her better, done…done better…been better. Thought better thoughts. But he hadn't. He had been…jealous. He had been jealous that even at his worst, the worst that big sis had seen of him, dad did not even some close to treating big sis even HALF as bad as he'd been treating Sho for his whole nine years and eleven months of life.
It just wasn't fair.
"Sho….you're not a bad person for feeling that way. Anyone would feel that way in your position. Your dad has never treated you and your sister fairly and it's wrong of her to compare what she's going through now to what you've been going through for your entire life. She had no right to say that to you and she owes you an apology…but she isn't going to give you one because she doesn't know what she's saying." Said Fukuda. He had never been more angry with Shigeko at any point in time as he was in that moment. She knew what her brother had been going through for his entire life. How could she not know? She had always been right there. She had been his constant companion for as long as she could remember, probably, and Suzuki had not gotten to be the man he was overnight. She had seen the way her father had treated her brother, had been seeing it for her entire life, and then she had the nerve to compare whatever it was that she was going through to a lifetime of what Suzuki had put Sho through.
He had no idea what she even could have been going through.
She had wanted Suzuki to leave her alone and now, from what Sho had said, he was leaving her alone. There. She had gotten what she had wanted. What was she so upset about? It wasn't like she didn't have people in her life to spend time with. She had no reason to go and say something so inconsiderate to Sho. She should have thought about how her little brother would have felt with his big sister talking to him like that. Discounting everything that he had been through. She should not have been so selfish. She should have thought of Sho. She was forever talking about how much she loved him but when it came down to it she loved in the same way Suzuki loved. She wanted to keep Sho near her, that was why she wouldn't so much as let him sleep in his own bed, just like Suzuki had tried to keep her close. She should have seen that she didn't enjoy being treated that way and she should have just…just not done the same thing to her brother. How could she have acted like that? How could she have been so childish and selfish?
Well she was Suzuki's daughter after all.
"How can she not know what she's saying?" asked Sho. She had been speaking plain Japanese, she knew what she had been saying, and she knew…she knew how bad dad could be. She had seen…well she hadn't. She had never seen how bad dad could possibly be. The way he hurt Sho. That was…that was something that he had always tried to keep hidden from her because…because he hadn't wanted to hurt her. So maybe that was what Fukuda meant when he said that big sis hadn't known what she was saying…but even if she hadn't known what she had been saying it had still hurt when she said it.
"Your sister…she's a lot like your father. Your father never takes other people's feelings into account when he says something. He just says whatever's on his mind and expects the other person to just sit there and take it. Your sister didn't think about what you'd gone through, it probably never crossed her mind once, she just said what she wanted to say and she expected you to deal with it. That…that was not something that she should have said to you." Said Fukuda.
"I think….I think that she just didn't know what she was saying because she's never had to go through dad…treating her the way that he treats me and I think that she just feels bad because dad's being all…like that…to her." said Sho. Sometimes when Fukuda talked about big sis Sho got the feeling that he had her confused with someone else, someone he didn't entirely like, and he didn't know why. Fukuda liked both of them. He had always been there for them ever since they were little kids. Sho figured that even he could be clueless about stuff sometimes. He wasn't clueless about big sis loving him, though, he could never be clueless about that. She told him at least a hundred times a day if not more that she loved him.
"Sho…you should talk to her about this. You should talk to her about how you feel, about what she said to you, because otherwise…you'll never feel better." Said Fukuda. There were some things that Sho needed to figure out on his own. Sho was…he thought that best of people, like his mother had, but sometimes he just had to see people for what they were instead of who you wanted them to be. He was so like Masami in that way…it had taken her over half a decade to realize who Suzuki really was…hopefully Sho would realize who his sister really was before it was too late.
"Yeah…I'll do that…" said Sho. Fukuda was right. Instead of being all mad about stuff he needed to talk to big sis about how he felt, about how hurtful what she had said was, and about how she could be sort of suffocating sometimes. He didn't want to talk to her about this but, hey, at least things wouldn't be so weird at home anymore.