Disclaimer: Not mine, but I'd love it if they were!
A/N: Just want to remind everyone again to expect the unexpected (but not the sick or cruel - I don't write like that, I promise!) as we begin to bring this story to a close. Thanks again to my awesome friend, LadyCommish, for her help with this chapter, both with dialogue and ideas. The idea of the overall content of this chapter belongs to her. You're amazing, girly, and I'm honored to have your help when I get tripped up in these final chapters. :)
Oh yeah, yet another M chapter - I mean, after all, it is their honeymoon! ;)
Chapter 68:
After an early supper, they returned to the hotel. Mac asked at least three times how his back was feeling and each time he told her it was fine, that is until the got back to their room and Harm collapsed into the first chair with a groan, "Oh my back. No more campouts on the beach for us."
"I should say not, sailor" replied Mac, leaning down to give him a kiss, feeling bad that he was so uncomfortable. "Take your shirt off and go lay down on the bed. I'm gonna get my lotion and see if I can work the knots out of your back."
Mac disappeared into the bathroom to retrieve her bottle of vanilla scented lotion. While inside she changed into one of her favorite lounge ensembles, a pair of Harm's boxers and his worn out Annapolis Tee Shirt. When she returned to the bed, Harm was stretched out on top of it, lying on his stomach, clothed only in his boxers so that Mac would have access to his lower back.
"You're not going to make me smell like you, are you?" Harm asked, his voice muffled by the pillow he lay upon.
"I could think of worse things couldn't you?" she asked in a soft voice. "No, it isn't floral, its vanilla."
She rubbed her hands together then squeezed an amply amount of lotion onto Harm's lower back. Gently she began her work, using her fingers to work the lotion into the skin that had been abrased by the sand from the last night's encounter. He let out a moan of relief as her delicate hands worked the sore muscles underneath them.
"How come I never knew about this before?" she asked.
"Usually doesn't bother me that much" he replied. "That romp on the beach, while wonderful, didn't do much for this old sailor."
"You're not that old, but you are getting a bit of a middle aged spread here." She smiled as her hands skimmed the side of his waist, which had taken on an inch or two since she'd first met him.
"You saying I'm fat?" he gasped, but did not move from under her healing touch.
"No" Mac replied. "I'm saying we both need to start hitting the gym more when we get back home. Harriet goes to one that has a playroom for the kids with an experienced staff, mostly stay at home moms that need a bit of extra money. It something to consider."
"Whatever you…Ah, ah, right there" he moaned as she hit an especially tender spot near his lumbar region.
"Did you ever see a doctor about your back pain?" Mac asked a bit worried about what implications it could have in the future.
"Yeah, they say that some of the vertebrae are compressed and one of the discs is damaged" he sighed. "A little lower, Honey."
"But its not serious?" Mac asked.
"Nah, it only bothers me sometimes, like tonight" sighed and closed his eyes.
Mac continued to massage his back, her eyes scanning her husband's body. It was still spectacular as it was the first time she'd have the privilege of seeing him without his shirt on, the lines of his muscles still clearly etched in his skin. She ran her hand along the base of his back, across his hips, studying the slope of his back, the jagged white scar line on his hips that she'd always noticed but never asked about, until now.
"What's this from, Babe?" she asked, one fingertip tracing the damaged bit of flesh.
"That's from my first crash. You didn't think I just walked away from that one, did you?" he asked with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
"I know you didn't Honey, I've seen all your scars" she whispered, leaning down to place a tender kiss on the one she was inquiring about. "Even the ones on the inside."
Harm shuddered as Mac's lips caressed the bit of scar tissue. That area of his body was highly sensitive to touch, especially the warm touch of his wife's lips.
"Mmm" he moaned in this throat. "I like that, Baby, but what about the rest of my massage?"
"Ah, you want to rest of it, do you?" Mac asked.
"Yeah," he sighed. "You are really good at this."
"You lie there and relax," she told him. "I'll take care of the aches, don't worry."
Mac adjusted herself so that one of her thighs was on either side of Harm's hips. She kept her weight off him and used the lotion to moisten the skin near his neck and shoulders. She worked on the tense muscles of his neck, making slow gentle circles on his soft flesh.
"How's that feel, Sweetie?" she asked her voice holding many emotions - love, arousal, a hint of concern, and just a bit of sympathy. He really seemed to be hurting from their encounter on the beach.
"Feels great, Baby" he sighed. She pressed a bit harder into a tight spot on his left shoulder "Oh, right there. Right there."
Mac concentrated on that area until she felt the knots loosen. She worked steadily until she once again reached the area that had caused him pain on the ship. This time she increased the pressure of her touch. "Oh, ah," he groaned as she worked on the area.
"I'm sorry, Baby" Mac crooned.
"No, it feels good" he replied. "You feel good."
"So do you" she whispered and ran her hands down below his waist to his buttocks then finally to his long defined legs.
All the while Mac worked, Harm could feel the tension easing out of his neck, shoulders and back, but he could also feel it building in his chest and other places. Mac's touch, her smell, the feel of her legs straddled over him; it only made him want her more. "Sarah?" he sighed, as he felt her hands work up his left leg.
"Is someone feeling better, Sailor?" she asked letting her gentle hand slide between his leg, brushing to back of his manhood through his boxers.
Harm drew in a shaky breath at the sensation, "Oh, if you'll do this every time I kick my back out I'll make sure to tell you."
"On the contrary" she said, " I hope that the next time I do this you are not in pain, I don't like to see you in hurting." Her voice caught as she leaned over to kiss the spot that pained him.
"I'm not hurting like I was, babe" he said.
"Is the pain any better at all?" she asked.
"Yeah" he sighed. "Now I'm in a different kind of pain, though."
"Oh, yeah" Mac sighed. "Is it here?" she asked, her hand slipping between his legs again.
"Yeah, right there" he gasped. "Honey, move over a second."
Mac seemed a bit confused at first, and concerned. "Am I hurting you?"
"Yeah" he sighed. "But not how you think" he replied as he rolled over on his back.
"I want to make love to you, Mac. Can I?"
"But, your back..." she said softly. "Won't you hurt it again, and your wrist?"
"Don't worry about that," he told her. "I need you."
He leaned over, ignoring the last bit of pain in his back, focusing instead on his wife's face. He cupped her cheek in his hand and pulled her lips to his, capturing them in a tender kiss. "Can I love you?" he asked again.
There were things from the previous night and that morning that told him men had never spent much time on her, treated her more like a hole in a sheet instead of like the beautiful, sensitive creature she was. He wanted to eradicate those feelings, and show her that with him, she would always be most important.
"Tell me its okay, Baby" Harm said. "I won't do anything unless you say its okay."
"It's okay" she whispered. "It's...okay. Show me you love me."
"I will, Baby" he replied holding her gaze. "That's a promise. Lie down," he instructed her. "Lie down all the way for me."
Slowly she complied with his tender request, looking up at him, eyes wide, filled with a trust she could only place in him.
Harm moved his lips from hers and concentrated on a spot just below her ear that he knew made her crazy. "Do you like that?" he asked in a husky whisper. "I want you to like this, Mac. I don't want you to be afraid."
"Af...afraid?" she asked, her voice low and timid. "Why would I be afraid of you? I love you."
"Not of me, Baby" he replied. "Of this." He trailed kisses along her jaw until he ended up on the other side of her face.
"Mmmm...that's nice" she moaned. "I'm not...afraid of this."
"I know you, Mac" he sighed. "I know there's a reason you never initiate love making anymore. I know you were scared last night when I went to kiss you...there," he sighed. "Hell, even that very ill fated handcuffs experiment was all me, I volunteered for that lunacy."
"I'm the one who brought them" she said. "We didn't have to use them on you or even at all. I'm sorry..."
"Ssh, that's not what I mean" he quickly tried to hush her. "I mean, you brought them but you never intended for me to use them on you, did you? And remember, you're under oath now," he reminded her with a kiss on her collarbone.
She smiled a tiny smile at the sensation of his lips on her skin. "No, I guess I didn't."
"Point proven then" he replied. "One of these days Baby, I'm going to find out why you're scared to be loved, to love someone else, like this, but until then, I'm going to make sure that everything I do is okay," he told her. "I don't want you to close up on me, Mac. Not ever."
"I..." she began to speak, but didn't know what to say. "Okay."
"Okay," he affirmed grabbing the edge of her tee shirt. "Will you lift your arms for me?" he asked.
Her reply was wordless, she lifted her arms above her head. Then he asked, "Can I take this off and see you?"
"Please do" she replied, her voice tiny, her eyes sparkling just a little bit.
Harm took the hem of the shirt and in one fluid motion exposed her bare breasts to his view. He ran his hands gently over the tops of them, pausing to look into her eyes.
"Can I put my mouth on you? Is that all right?"
"Yes" she whispered, "but...you don't have to...why are you asking me if it's okay for you to touch me?"
Harm stopped touching her a minute and looked into her eyes. "I never want you to ever think that my needs are more important than yours. I want you to know that you are always more important that I am, that you'll always come first in my heart and in my life. Do you know that?"
He punctuated the question with a kiss on both her eyelids.
"Oh..." she said as the emotions gathered in the emptiest parts of her heart, the parts he knew were there, were hurting, even though she never showed him. "I love you so much."
"You didn't answer me, Mac" he said, trailing kisses down her cheeks. "Do you know that you are more important to me than anyone else? Than anything else?"
"I do now" she replied softly.
"Then I've failed" he sighed and tucked his face into the hollow between her shoulder and her jaw.
She sighed deeply at the feel of his breath against her neck. "You've never failed me, Harm. Never."
"I did if you didn't already know how much you mean to me" he replied. "Because you should have known from the beginning. I didn't prove it to you, but I will now if you'll let me."
She moved her body away from his, just enough so their faces could meet. Eyes locked on his, she answered in barely more than a whisper. "Alright, but I thought you all ready had."
"Not like this I haven't" he replied. He started at the top, running soft gentle kisses over her forehead, to her eyelids, which he knew she loved, to her cheeks and earlobes. His lips ran their way down her jaw line to the curve of her neck, and finally to the swell of her ultra-sensitive breasts.
"Okay?" he asked and waited for permission before he returned to work.
She nodded adamantly, and he continued on.
He began with her right breast, mouth hungrily seeking the nipple. He took it in his mouth, using his tongue to dampen the sensitive skin.
"Like that, Baby?" he asked.
"Oh God, yes" she moaned. "Harm...why do you call me that?" she asked, seemingly out of nowhere.
"Call you what?" he asked as he released the fully aroused nipple and turned his attention to her other breast.
"Call me 'baby'" she said, "Oh God, that's it, oh..."
"I like calling you that," he rasped in between licks and sucks. "Makes me feel like I can protect you. You're so small" he said, lifting her hand. "See, tiny."
He kissed the under curve of her breast, "Delicate."
He leaned up and kissed her lips. "Precious."
At first, all she could do was shiver as the sound of his voice, the feel of his skin against hers.
"Cold, my love?" he asked, abandoning her breasts and working his way to her navel.
"No" she said softly. "I can't be cold when you're so close to me."
"I promise I will never let you feel cold, Mac" he whispered. "Or alone. You'll never have to put on a mask again, you'll never have to hide the tears again, not from me."
"You've seen my tears, Harm" she answered. "I don't hide those from you."
"Not as much, no" he replied. "But this morning after what happened with those kids, you yelled at me, but that's not really what you wanted to do, was it?" He rubbed his cheek against the soft skin of her belly.
Letting out a deep breath she wasn't even aware she'd been holding, "No" she answered. "I wanted to fall into your arms and have a good cry."
"You can always do that Baby" he told her. "You can always tell me when you feel sad or lonely. You can always let me know I've hurt you."
"I do let you know that" she said, running her fingers across his back. "That's when I yell at you."
He offered her a soft chuckle and his winning fly boy smile. "I love you, Mac."
"I love you, too."
"May I resume my duties, Mrs. Rabb?" he asked.
"Please do," she whispered, wanting to feel his lips and hands again.
Harm worked on her navel, then kissed his way up to the little valley between her breast. His hands skimmed over her with gentle feather light touches, each tiny pass igniting her passion for him and her love for him. Never had anyone been this gentle.
"You're so..." she said once her voice decided to function again, "gentle with me."
"I love you," he replied. Then used his tongue to bathe her navel, making slow circles around the soft skin. "Are you ready yet?"
"No" she said. "Not yet...not yet."
"What's wrong?" he asked, afraid he was rushing her or worse. "Am I hurting you, rushing you? Tell me" he pleaded.
"No, it's not that" she said, taking a deep breath as her heart continued to race under his ministrations. "I'm not ready for it...to end yet."
"Lift up for me" he asked.
She complied with his tender request, arching her back to raise her lower body up off the mattress so that Harm could remove the boxer shorts she was wearing as well as the panties underneath.
"May I touch you, Mac?"
"Go ahead" she whispered. "It's okay."
He reached down slowly, using his whole hand to cup her sex. "You're not ready yet, Baby, but I can fix that, okay?"
He could hear her take a deep breath as she nodded convincingly.
Slowly he slipped one long finger in side her folds, tracing the circumference of her. They were soft, as soft as velvet.
"So soft," he whispered.
He completed a full rotation around the semi oval shape, then found the tiny bundle of nerves and the head of her femininity. He used his thumb to massage that little bud, knowing it would drive her wild.
"How is that?" he asked. "Feel good?"
"Y-yes..." she answered, her chest beginning to rise and fall just a bit faster than before. To further illustrate her answer, she lifted her hips a bit, rubbing herself against his hand.
Harm felt her begin to dampen as her body prepared itself for his entrance. He reached down and placed his finger inside of her, feeling her muscles accommodate it, he slipped in another, and then a third. "How am I doing? Tell me what you want, Baby. Tell me" he gasped, finding it more and more difficult to keep himself under control.
"Ohh, that's good..." she moaned, moving her body towards him as she slowly and carefully slid her legs up and down against the sheets beneath her.
"Glad you like it" he replied. "Mac...I don't want...I'm going to need you soon, Love," he told her. " I want to be inside you when I...when we...are you ready for that yet?" he asked.
"Uh-huh" she replied, her heart beating so rapidly she would have sworn he could feel it, too. "Yes...now...it's okay..."
Keeping his eyes locked with her he raised himself over her and slowly entered her. She let out a cry of pleasure as he filled her, relieving the ache that had been building between her legs since he first touched her.
They moved slowly, neither one rushing the other until finally, his deep slow thrusts brought them both to completion.
With a sigh he rolled off of her and pulled her close.
"Did that hurt your back?" she asked, nestled close beside him on the bed.
"A little, but it was worth it," he sighed. "You are so beautiful."
"You say that all the time" she whispered, burying her cheek in his arm as she felt the familiar blush rise to her cheeks as it did whenever Harm told her she was pretty or beautiful.
"I mean it" he responded, pulling her a little closer.
"I know you do, Sweetheart," she replied. She waited a beat then, "Harm, can I ask you something?"
"Sure" he replied, "ask me anything."
"Why were you the way you were tonight? Why did you think you had to ask my permission or treat me like glass? Did I give you the impression that I didn't like something you had done?" she asked, sure she'd done something to disappoint him the night before. "I'm sorry I got so upset about the beach..." She was starting to talk quickly and he cut her off.
"Hey, no, no" he said, "it's not that, it's..." He took a deep breath, searching for just the right words to tell her what he was feeling, thinking. "After last night, after I did things to you that we'd never done before , I felt like maybe I should have asked first, I guess. I couldn't help but think back to our engagement, uh, 'celebration' at Santa Monica Bay and how amazing it had been, and I wanted last night to be even better. But then I really thought about it all, and it dawned on me that in the past few months, you've...changed and I'm not sure why."
"Changed how? I've been tired since the baby" she explained, "but I don't think anything's changed. We've made love plenty of times. I was just nervous last night because I didn't know why you wanted me to move my legs like that and it felt strange," she tapered off and changed her tactics to defensive. "What, I'm not giving you enough?"
"Baby, it's not that at all" he said tenderly, sensing that there was more to this than what lay on the surface. "I love what we have together, I always have and I always will, but when I say you've 'changed', I just mean that since you had the baby, you've pretty much stopped being the one to initiate sex. Did you realize that?"
After a moment of silence, she answered him. "Yes," she admitted. "I figured that..." she took a deep breath. "I guess I figured that since we'd had the baby you were, somehow, you know, not really interested...in me like before."
"Not interested in you anymore?" he replied, thinking for sure his ears were deceiving him. "My God, Mac, did you think that was the only reason I wanted to be with you, to have a baby? I know you know that's not true. You know I love you!"
"That's what we agreed, wasn't it?" she said, knowing this was going to be a very revealing conversation. "When Harriet had AJ, isn't that what we agreed, we would have a baby. We never said get married or set up a house, we said, no you said, have a baby. We did that."
This was far, far more serious than he ever dreamed. "Come on" he said, "sit up and look at me, Mac, please." She did as he asked, and one look into her eyes told him she was hurting. A lot.
He took hold of her hands and gripped them tight as he spoke, his voice calm yet confident. "I love you like I've never loved anyone in my life. Anyone, do you hear that, Sarah? When we made that promise when little AJ was born, I made it hoping and praying that somehow, if it ever came to pass, that it would lead to everything that we have today. I wanted the baby with you, no doubt, but I also wanted a life with you as my wife. Please tell me you believe that."
She didn't answer. She just dropped her gaze and looked at the sheets.
Raising her chin gently with his hand, he looked into her eyes once more. "Talk to me, Baby. I know there's something going on with you, something that's effecting the intimacy we have right now, and that breaks my heart."
"I..." she fought to avoid his gaze again as she began to cry in earnest. "I...I don't...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I knew it...I knew it couldn't last" she sobbed. "God I am so stupid to have believed...Harm, I'm sorry." She had to stop speaking as her sobs grew deeper.
"Hey, hey, ssh, it's okay" he said, wrapping her inside his strong embrace. "What couldn't last, Mac? What's got you so upset? Please tell me. Calm down and tell me."
"Its just...I don't touch you anymore, because I want you to keep touching me" she admitted. "If you touch me then I can convince myself, really convince myself that you are different, that you won't hurt me like the others hurt me," she whimpered in the safety of his arms. "They hurt me so badly," she finally confessed.
His mind immediately assumed she was speaking of physical pain. "Who hurt you?" he asked, clearly upset. "Who hurt you, Baby? What did they do to you?"
"Everybody" she cried. "God my father was right," she sobbed. "He told me, Sarah, once you let them sample you they'll toss you aside like a used rag and they did. They all did, and I feel like someday...eventually..."
"Absolutely not!" insisted Harm, his arms still around his heartbroken wife. "You are my life, Mac! The only thing, the only thing that will ever take me away from you is death, period." His voice caught at the simple mention of the word "death". "You're my everything, Mac, you and Ainsley mean more to me than..." He had to pause and catch his breath.
"That's what they said, too" she replied in a sad, deflated tone.
"But I mean it with all my heart" he replied, the emotion in his voice impossible to hide. "Remember our vows?" he asked, a tear rolling down his cheek. "I meant those."
"I want to believe you Harm" she told him, reaching up to wipe away the tear she caused him to shed. "I want to so badly but...its always with me and I'm so scared of that day that always comes, when the fun is over and I find myself alone. I got back up those other times because I had you to anchor to, but I won't be able to get up this time. I know I won't." She waited a beat then, "I'm sorry I made you cry."
"You need to let those times go, Mac" he said. "Tell me what they did to you, every one of them, that caused you to feel like this towards me." He looked at her, his wide, Rabb blue eyes filled with tears.
"I can't" she sobbed. "If I tell you then...I can't do it...I can't see that look in your eyes."
"What look is that, Love?" he asked softly.
"The one that says I'm damaged goods. The one they all get after they're done with me," she said. "Don't make me tell you, let's just forget it."
"No, we can't do that" he said, reaching out for her arm. "You're not 'damaged goods' to me and you never will be, but I need to know where this is coming from. Anything that effects your heart and soul and life this strongly, I want to know about. Please tell me, I won't love you any less, I promise."
She nodded, still sniffling and crying a little as she began the journey down memory lane.
"My first time was with Eddie, I told you about him before. He told me I was beautiful, sexy even. At the time I believed him, but he was just saying it, you know. All he wanted was to tell all of our friends that he got Sarah Mackenzie."
"Was he good to you?" asked Harm, "I mean, he didn't hurt you, did he?"
"He did" she replied, "a lot. It was in the front seat of his mother's car. He tore my panties off, but he didn't take off my skirt or anything else. He only kissed me a little bit, and he...I was scared to let him, but I was even more scared to tell him I was scared. Does that make sense?" she asked, burrowing closer.
"Perfect sense, Baby" he said, pulling her further into his embrace.
"I didn't tell him no" she said, "but I don't think I said yes either. I wasn't ready for him to..."
She looked at Harm, he nodded in understanding of what she meant.
"But" she continued, "he did and it hurt. It really hurt. Everyone in school knew by the next morning."
He leaned down and placed a kiss atop her head. "I'm so sorry that happened to you, Mac. You deserved so much better."
She didn't respond to that comment. She kept talking. "Chris was different. I know I was probably all over him, drunk as I was through our entire relationship. He never told me he loved me, he never told me I was pretty, he only told me I was cold. I didn't know how to touch him, you know. I never learned how, and he hated me for that."
"Chris had some serious problems, Mac" he said. "I'm not convinced he knew how to love anyone, not just you. For him to have hated you for something you knew nothing about, that's…"
"I know" she said with a sigh, "but he did. He hated me, hated everything about me, but I guess I was good enough to keep around for -"
"Ssh, don't go there, Mac" he said, placing his fingers gently upon her lips. "You're too important to even think about how things were with Chris or with Eddie or with anyone else for that matter. You're so much more than any of them could have ever imagined you'd become, you know that."
"Yeah, I think that's what led to John. I mean, I know he believed that I would be a good lawyer, I know he believed that I was worth something, but…"
"What did he do to you, Mac?" Harm asked. He never liked John Farrow, not from the first time he'd met him. He knew he'd been with Mac and at first he chalked it up to jealousy, but now the sense there was more was telling him that decision was premature.
"It wasn't him, really it wasn't," Mac replied. "It was just by that time, the only way I knew how to tell him I appreciated him was physical, but I know now that it was wrong of me to offer myself to him. I just made myself what they all said I was. I was just his whore. Dalton's too, all he wanted was the conquest, no matter how he tried to disguise it."
"Hey, hey" he said, compassionately yet firmly, "no one calls my wife a 'whore', not even my wife. It hurts me too much to hear it, and it's just simply not true."
She sniffled, "It was then. You hear something often enough and you start believing it."
"Brumby" said Harm, rubbing his left hand carefully down her arm, "was he as good to you as he had us all believe?"
"He tried," she replied. "But he was rough and quick. He liked to think me a hellcat, when really I was just going along for the ride. The more I tried to touch him, the more he pushed, it got so I started saying I had a headache to avoid letting him touch me. He was always hard and fast and he never wanted to hold me afterwards."
"I can't understand that" said Harm, unable to hide the disgust in his heart.
"I can," she replied. "It was because he knew."
"What did he know?" asked Harm. "It can't be what I know."
"That all the while I was with him, I was wishing I was with you," she whispered so softly he barely heard her.
He sat up, releasing his hold on her a little so he could shift next to her and see into her eyes. "You really wished you were with me?"
She nodded but couldn't look at him. "I can only imagine what you must think of me now," she said.
"I think" he said tenderly, reaching down to take hold of her shaking hands, "that you are an amazingly strong woman. God, Mac, to have the courage to let me touch you at all after what you've had to deal with, let alone letting me touch you in the ways I like to, I just can't tell you how strong that makes you in my eyes."
She smiled a little, "I know I've come so far from where I was back then, but those experiences, that pain, those feelings of being nothing more to those guys than -"
Harm stopped her again. "Don't do this to yourself, Baby, please. I know those are deeply painful memories and that they played a part in shaping how you think about a lot of things, but they're all in the past, where they belong. Let's leave them there."
"But -" she began, but he continued to speak as he held her close.
"No buts" he said, "because despite all the terrible things that happened to you before we met, you are the single most important woman in my entire world. You're my wife…"
He leaned down and kissed her forehead.
"…my lover…"
He kissed her right eyelid, feeling her shiver just a little.
"…my best friend…"
He kissed her shoulder, three times.
"…and the mother of the most beautiful baby girl who ever took a breath on this planet."
"I love you so much, Harm," she smiled and snuggled against him. "I don't want to talk anymore tonight. I just..."
"Just what, Love?" he asked. "Tell me, it's okay."
"Would you hold me?" she asked him, her voice squeaking a touch.
"I'll always be here to hold you, Mac" he said as he opened his arms to her. "Always."
She said nothing else, she just buried herself against him and cried. She cried for her lost childhood and the pain she'd experienced, she cried for everything she'd denied herself in thinking she didn't deserve anything more than what she had. Mostly she cried for the time she'd lost, the time that fear and insecurity had robbed her of, the time she could have had with Harm that she'd foolishly wasted.
Harm held her and offered the occasional soothing sound. He was so angry at the men of her past for what they had done to her, for how badly they treated what should have been the best thing in their life, surely it was the best thing in his.
Finally she quieted and her breaths evened out. They had begun a slow process that night of healing her past pains, now they could truly embark on a future together. He knew her so well, so well that he'd sensed hesitation from her in the bedroom. But still, the reasons both surprised and sickened him.
He dropped a kiss on her hair and uttered a silent promise as the physical and emotional fatigue started to close in on him, "Never again, Baby. You'll never be treated like that again."
It was hours later that Mac stirred in her sleep. She was so comfortable she didn't want to get up, but the sound of crying had penetrated her consciousness. With a soft groan she moved and listened to see if the wailing would stop, it didn't.
"Mama's coming, angel" she whispered, knowing that a quick visit to Ainsley's room would stop her daughter's tears, not to mention relieve the heavy ache in her breasts. She slipped out of the bed, returning to consciousness when her feet hit the floor.
"I'm sorry, baby girl," she whispered out loud.
Sitting back down on the edge of the bed, she rubbed the sleep from her eyes and stretched a bit to get her muscles moving. Falling asleep while wrapped up in her husband's strong arms had so many good points, but as much as she loved him, he made a pretty poor all-night pillow.
"Might as well go to the bathroom, I'm already up" she thought to herself. She felt around on the floor with her feet until she found the T-shirt she'd thrown on when they arrived back from the carrier that evening. Tossing it back on, she wearily padded her way towards the bathroom.
She entered the bathroom, the cold tile floor feeling like a sheet of ice on her warm feet. Closing the door carefully and quietly, she flipped the light switch on to avoid tripping over anything that might be in her way. As the room illuminated, she squinted for a few seconds, giving her eyes time to adjust.
"Damn," she sighed as she looked at herself in the mirror and saw the two wet spots on the front of her shirt.
Her mind assaulted her with a barrage of guilt just then, "If you were at home with your baby this wouldn't have happened."
Quickly, she took care of her bladder's needs, then as quietly as she could found her breast pump and put it together.
If she were at home, she'd hold Ainsley as she nursed and rock her, gently singing - of all things - the Navy Hymn. She'd tried the Marine Corps Hymn in the beginning, and at first it worked well enough, but after the night Harm sang the Navy Hymn to get Ainsley back to sleep, nothing else would work. Unconsciously, she began to do that in a breathy voice.
It was the sound of his wife's singing that woke Harm. He reached for her, and felt nothing next to him but a wrinkled sheet. He opened his eyes and called out into the darkness, "Mac?"
She heard him call for her, but she didn't reply. She knew he'd find her.
"Mac?" he tried again eyes searching the room, following the soft singing. He found her, at the table in the corner near the balcony doors.
He swung his legs over the side of the bed, and once again ignoring that protest that his back launched, made his way to her. He knelt down in front of her and put a hand on her knee. The contact made her cease her song, but not her sway. "Mac? What's wrong?"
He already knew of course, but she had to talk about it in order to feel better, and that was as always his goal.
"I miss her so much" replied Mac, her voice evidence that she'd been crying not long before.
He kissed her knee lightly, "I do too, Honey. Is that what woke you? Or was it a leaky faucet," he tried to joke her into a happier mood.
"It wasn't the faucet leaking" she answered, "it was me, but that's not why I woke up. I heard her, Harm. I heard her cry."
"Mac, you couldn't have," he reasoned. "She home, safe with my par...with my Mom and Frank." Even after all this time he couldn't call Frank his parent. He loved the man, but...
"I did" she insisted, on the verge of tears again. "I'm her mother, I know her cries..."
"Okay," he soothed. "Don't cry. Maybe you were dreaming. You miss her, it would only make sense that you..." She cut him off.
"It wasn't like a dream, though" she said, swallowing back a wave of sobs that were pending. "I swear, it was so real...it was like she was in the same room but when I went to go to her I realized that I'm here and she's there and I couldn't get to her..."
"Mac, do want to go home? We only have one more day, if you want to go early, you say the word and I'll take you home," he told her sincerely, the father in him hoping she'd say yes, the husband in him, hoping just the opposite.
She shook her head and wiped a runaway teardrop from her cheek. "No, it's okay, we don't have to go back yet. I'll...I'll be fine, it was probably a dream."
"Are you sure?" he asked tenderly. "You have really good instincts Honey. I won't be angry if you want to go back. I don't want to see you like this, so tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it."
"Before breakfast" she said, "can you call your mom? I just need a little reassurance I guess."
"I can do that," he told her. "I can call her now if you want. It's nearly six back home and I want you to sleep."
Mac nodded. "Okay, go ahead."
Harm kissed her quickly and with a grunt of pain he hoped she was too upset to notice made his way to the phone.
"Your back isn't any better after last night, is it?" she asked in disappointment.
"When it acts up, it lasts a few days," he replied. "Don't worry about it," he told her as he dialed their home number and waited.
He waited a few minutes before hanging up the phone and looking at Mac with poorly disguised worry in his eyes.
"There's no answer."
A/N: Where are they? Why is no one answering any of the phones? Was this another of Mac's "intuitions" or simply a bad dream? Do they have one more day of their honeymoon remaining, or is it over? Chapter 69 will be up soon! Please take a second or two and review this chapter, if you would. I really love knowing what folks think, both the good things and the not-so good, and lately the numbers of reviews have been pretty low. :(