Disclaimer: Not mine, but if they're looking for a new home... ;)
A/N: Sorry for the delay, darned real life has been getting in the way of my writing time. A super huge THANK YOU goes out to all who read and reviewed Chapter 68! I haven't gotten so many reviews in a long time, and I want you to know they really made me day, I mean that. :) Another super huge thanks to my friend, LadyCommish, for her help and input with this chapter. I love working with ya, girly:)
The events in this chapter are taken from a real-life story. Please forgive anything I might not have exactly right throughout - I tried! ;) Once more, a little reminder that because of the recent events in my life with regards to infertility and the emotions I'm finding myself working through, I'm pouring more of my emotion into the plot again, much like I did in the earlier chapters when they were still trying to conceive. I've tried to keep things real as this piece has come to life, and sometimes real can be kind of rough.
For those who've asked how my own "journey" is going, here's your answer: Not well. We're nearly at the end of our road, and it'll take a great miracle for us to get what we've been working so hard for all this time. I'm working at coming to terms with it while not pinning too much hope on the last few remaining treatments my doctor is willing to do with us. It's the most difficult realization I've had to come to in my life,but when things really get me down, I sit here and I write. My"journey" may or may not have a happy ending, but as long as I'm in charge, Harm and Mac's sure will. :)
Chapter 69:
"How can there be no answer?" she asked, "are you sure you dialed the right number?"
"Pretty sure, babe" he replied, "but I'll try again." He scrolled through the listings in his phone, highlighted "home", and pressed the send button.
As before, it rang 4 times and the machine picked up.
"Nope, they're not answering" he said. "I'll try my mom's cell phone."
"Okay" said Mac, turning the pump off. "Something's not right, I just know it."
"Try not to worry just yet" he said, holding the phone to his ear as it rang on the other end. "I'm sure there's a good reason for it."
"It better be damn good for them to be unreachable at this hour of the morning!" she said, picking up the bottles of milk and heading to pour them down the drain.
"Honey, I'm calling my mom's phone, try to relax" he said. "Maybe Ainsley's having one of her moods and they're out driving around the neighborhood with her."
"Yeah" said Mac as she rinsed the bottles out, "it's possible. She's been doing that a lot lately. Guess I don't have to tell you that, though, do I, 'Mr. Chauffeur'?"
"No, you don't." He smiled, then quickly frowned.
"What?" she asked immediately upon seeing his expression.
"Went straight to voice mail." He sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed.
"Well, try it again" suggested Mac. "I know she never turns her phone off, so it must just be a lost signal or something. Try it again."
"Okay" he said and dialed the number again.
Again it went straight to voice mail. "Nothing."
"Try Frank's number" ordered Mac, the panic rising within her.
"Okay," he said trying and receiving the same result. "Voice mail."
"Okay, something is wrong, Harm" she said. "This doesn't make any sense! Where are they?"
"I don't know Honey. Why don't you try and go back to bed..."
"Yeah, right" she said, "as if I could even think about sleeping right now!"
"You need to calm down" he told her, his voice even and in control. "We can't do anything about it from here."
"Then let's leave" she said. "We didn't have anything planned for today anyway, right?"
"We didn't but...let's think about this first. We don't know that anything is even wrong" he said. "Maybe they're sleeping," he suggested, sounding stupid even to him.
She looked at him incredulously, arms crossed, head tipped to the right.
"Or maybe I'm calling San Antonio and moving our flight up a day" he sighed. "Get packed."
"That's more like it" she said, hurrying to the closet and grabbing a suitcase. "I wish we could reach them, I just..."
"Mac," he said his tone holding a bit of pleading. "I need you to stay calm, please."
"I'm trying" she said, "but when I wake up in the middle of the night after I hear my baby cry for me and then we can't get a hold of anyone at home, I find it a little bit difficult to stay calm!"
"Mac, you've got to." He nearly begged her, willing himself to take even breaths. "Please."
"I'm really trying" she said as she quickly pulled her clothes off the hangers and threw them into the suitcase.
"I hope you succeed" he said, "because if I have to watch you come apart, I'm not sure I can hold it together. I'm…I'm scared, Mac."
She dropped the sweater she had in her hands and immediately went over to him, arms open wide.
"I know" she said as she began to cry, "me, too. God, Harm, where are they?"
At her tears, he lost his battle with his own. She felt him begin to shake in her embrace. He took a breath, then another as he tried to clam down. "We have to get a hold of ourselves" he said. "We need to get squared away so we can get home and probably kick our own sixes when we find out the power was down or mom's phone was on the blink or something."
"Yeah" she said, sniffling as her tears continued to fall. "It's probably nothing more than that and here we are, the stereotypical 'new parents' freaking out about it."
"I'm going to call our pilot and have him meet us at the San Antonio airport in 4 hours, you finish packing. We'll be home by dinnertime." He told her with a kiss on her forehead.
She nodded and returned to packing, trying to ignore the sick feeling in her gut that despite Harm's best efforts to send her thoughts in a different direction, something was wrong back home.
"He said if we get there by 10:00 we can take off before lunch" he told her. "You about ready? I want you to eat before we drive."
"I'm not hungry" she said. "I don't need to eat."
"I didn't say you needed to, I said I wanted you to. You're gonna want to feed her when we get home, and you need to eat this morning." he told her. "Just a bagel or something."
She rolled her eyes at him. He was right, she needed to eat for that reason if none other. "Okay" she conceded, "but nothing big, I'm too nervous."
"Just a bagel, Honey. You can even eat it in the car" he told her.
She nodded. "I guess I need to get dressed, huh?"
"Yeah, as much as I love you like that, that's sort of a private thing" he tried to tease as a little smile graced his face.
She appreciated his attempt to make her laugh. "Yeah" she said, "I don't often go out in public wearing nothing but one of your T-shirts."
"I'm going to shower real fast and throw on my clothes. We ship out in 25 minutes" he told her. "And Mac?"
"Hmm?" she said, looking up from her suitcase.
"I love you."
"I love you, too, Sailor."
Their 3 hour drive from Corpus Christi back to the airport in San Antonio went without incident, which was good considering the stress they were already under. The pilot was waiting when they arrived, and as soon as they got the luggage out of the car and loaded on the plane, Harm quickly drove the car back to the place Frank had arranged for it to be dropped off. With that, they were headed back home.
"How long a flight is this again?" she asked him.
"Three, three and a half hours" he replied. "Why?"
"Just wondered" she said staring out the window "couldn't remember."
"We'll be there before you know it Babe" he said. "Try not to worry."
She sighed. "I'm trying not to. It's hard though, I mean she's so little..."
"She probably fine" he tried to assure her. "And we are going to feel really stupid. I mean wouldn't Mom have called us if something were wrong?"
"We know she would have" said Mac. "We probably overreacted by dashing home like this, but its okay. If we need to laugh at ourselves for it once we know everything is really alright, we will."
"Why aren't I convinced of that?" he asked her with a sigh.
"Because" said Mac as a major yawn came over her, "I'm not either."
"You're tired, aren't you?" he asked. "You barely got any sleep last night." He lifted his arm to let her snuggle in close.
"3 hours 16 minutes, tops" she said. "I'm beginning to feel it, too."
When Mac snuggled in closer to Harm, he felt her skin. "Honey, you're cold."
"Yeah, a little I guess" she replied.
"Let me get a blanket, then see if you can close your eyes and rest a bit. It'll make the time go faster" he told her.
She agreed, sitting up to let him out so he could find a blanket.
He returned quickly and sat beside her, pulling her close as he covered them both with the blanket. "You know, no matter what happens once we get home, I wouldn't trade this time for anything." He kissed her temple.
"Mmmm..." she said, "me either. It's been an unbelievable week, huh?"
"Yeah" he sighed. "And we really talked on this trip. We told each other things, we really communicated...and if it's possible, I love you more now than I did ever before."
She nestled in closer to him. "I know the feeling, Flyboy."
He rubbed her arm gently, "Rest, Ninja Girl. We'll be home soon."
Mac drifted off, safe and sound in the embrace of her husband, her lover, and her very best friend.
Harm did not sleep the entire trip home. Instead, he went over and over in his head everything that could be wrong, that might explain why no one was answering the phone back home. He sighed and laughed at himself, he was doing what he just told Mac not to do. Still before he knew it, the plane touched down.
Mac stirred as she felt the engines powering down. "We're there?" she asked.
He kissed the top of her head. "Yeah, we're there. Stay here until the plane docks at the gate."
She sat up and stretched, then ran her fingers through her tousled hair. "I feel better now" she said, "still tired, but not as bad."
"Good" he said. "We'll go home straight off and everything will be as it should be, you'll see."
"I hope so" she said, tossing the blanket into his lap. "I can't wait to see her; I've missed her so much!"
"Me too, so make sure I get to hold her too, okay" he teased. "No hogging."
"Well, if she's hungry when we first get there" said Mac, "you'll just have to wait your turn, daddy."
"You get to feed her, but I get to burp her. Deal?"
"Deal" agreed Mac as an all-too-familiar expression came over her face, causing her smile to wane noticeably.
"What is it?" he asked, husbandly as well as fatherly instincts kicking in at the look.
Mac shook her head. "Nothing" she said, "just thinking, no big deal."
"You're not getting off that easy, Marine. What is it?" he pressed.
She laughed a haphazard laugh. "What's it been the whole time we've been gone?" she replied, giving him his answer in the form of her own question.
"Mac, she's going to want you. Don't worry" he comforted. "And if she hesitates, we just work to get her off the bottle like we did to get her on it. Chin up."
Mac nodded and swallowed hard. The possibility that Ainsley would refuse her was enough to break her heart a million times over. "You're right" she said. "She'll do it."
"Of course she will," he smiled. "She loves you, just like her daddy does."
Mac found she was able to smile as they stepped off the plane and walked towards the hangar office to pick up their vehicle keys.
"Do you want to drive?" he asked her. "Or you want me to?"
"You can" answered Mac, "I'm too anxious."
"It's going to be okay, babe" he told her. "You'll see."
"I hope you're right" she said, "but let's just hurry up and get there. Not knowing is making me crazy."
"We'll be there very soon" he told her gently. "You'll have our little girl in your arms in no time, and then we can just sit together and hold each other and the baby and laugh about how silly this whole thing was."
Mac smiled just a little. It would indeed be wonderful to sit and hold Ainsley and realize that they were, in fact, simply over-reacting to nothing.
When they arrived at the house, he put the SUV in park and they jumped out simultaneously, making a dash for the front door.
"We're home!" called Mac as soon as she got the door open. "Trish? Frank? Hello?"
No one answered. The house was completely silent.
"Where are they?" asked Mac as her fear and worry reared up again. "Where's the baby, Harm?"
"I don't know, Honey" he said. "They probably took her out for the day," he reasoned looking around the living room. Nothing was out of order; nothing appeared to have gone wrong at all.
"ALL day long?" she replied loudly. "From before 6:00 this morning until now? 11 hours straight - I doubt that!"
"Mac, please try not to worry until we have a reason to worry" he told her. "Let me try my Mom's phone again."
"Okay" she said, calming down a little. "I mean, they weren't expecting us to be back until tomorrow afternoon, so I can't really expect them to have called or left a note if they weren't going to be here right now, but still, something's not right about this."
"Still no answer on my Mom's phone" Harm sighed, getting worried himself. "Let me try Frank and if I can't reach him, we'll call Bud and see if he knows anything okay?"
She nodded, feeling more worried by the second. As Harm dialed his step-dad's cell phone number, Mac walked down the hall into the nursery. She sat down in the glider rocker, fighting the urge to cry.
"Hey, Frank" Harm said into the phone, relieved to have finally reached someone. "Where are you? We got so worried..." He paused. "Oh, God..."
He felt his heart drop to his stomach and his stomach drop to the floor at his stepfather's words.
Mac heard her husband's words and ran from Ainsley's room back to the living room. "What? What happened? Where's the baby?" she asked, completely panic-stricken.
"Ssh," he told her and listened to Frank's words. "Is she going to be okay?"
There was another long, agonizing pause.
"What's happening?" cried Mac. "Where is she? Where's my baby?"
"We'll be right there," Harm said into the phone. "Thanks, Frank."
He turned to Mac then and took her into his arms. "I need for you to stay calm and listen to me. Frank and Mom took the baby to St. Jerome's. She got kind of sick and they're trying to find out what's going on."
"Oh, God, Harm!" she sobbed, leaning against his chest. "We have to get to her right now, she needs us!"
"Mac, you have to stop crying first" he told her. "When we get to her she's going to need us to be calm, alright?"
Mac nodded as the tears kept flowing. "What happened to her? Why didn't they call us when she got sick? Why didn't they get a hold of us? Why?"
"I don't know any of that, Sweetheart" Harm sighed. "We'll find out when we get to the hospital. But they aren't going to let you see her if you're hysterical. Please, try and calm down."
Mac willed herself to take a few deep breaths and get herself together. He was right, they needed to be calm as possible by the time they arrived at the hospital, otherwise they'd be no good to anyone.
"That's my Marine" Harm praised when he noticed she was getting herself under control. "Now, let's go to the hospital and find out what's wrong with our baby girl. Frank said she had a fever and couldn't keep her food down. It's probably just a virus."
"Poor thing" said Mac, "she needs her mommy." At that thought, the tears began to flow again, guilty tears for being away when Ainsley got sick.
"Mac" Harm's voice was as encouraging as it could be. "Try to control yourself until we know, babe. Come on, you can do it."
A few longer, deeper breaths and she felt the guilt pass, for the moment anyway.
"Okay, let's go" she said, grabbing her purse and heading for the door.
Harm broke as many speed laws and traffic laws as he could without getting pulled over on the short trip to St. Jerome's Hospital. They parked near the emergency room and hand in hand ran inside.
"Which floor?" asked Mac as they reached the elevators.
"I don't know" Harm said. "Let me ask at the information desk." They quickly walked towards the desk in the corner of the lobby.
"Excuse me" Harm asked the woman behind the desk. "I'm looking for my daughter. My mom and step dad brought her in and we don't where she is."
"What's her name, Sir?" the compassionate woman asked. This young father was really worried.
"Ainsley" he replied. "Ainsley Rose." He said it almost reverently.
"Is 'Rose' the last name, Sir?" asked the clerk.
"No, I'm sorry, it's Rabb" he replied. "R-A-B-B."
The woman put some information into her computer and finally the name flashed on the screen. "Rabb, Ainsley R. What's her DOB?"
"14 September 05" answered Harm.
"That's her" replied the clerk. "She's on the fourth floor. PICU. Use the B elevator at the end of the hall. When you get off, make a right."
"Oh God, she's in intensive care" gasped Mac.
"Ma'am" the clerk said. "Don't worry. The regular Peds floor was on divert last night. And they sometimes admit infants to ICU during testing as a precaution" she tried to comfort. "Good luck."
The clerk's words offered Mac a small measure of comfort. Maybe things weren't as bad as they seemed.
With Harm's arm securely wrapped around Mac's shoulder, they made their way to the B elevator. Harm under his strong front was a wreck. He tried to maintain a positive, controlled front, for her sake.
She, however, knew him far too well to believe for a second that he wasn't as scared as she was.
"You doing okay?" she asked as they rode the elevator to the right floor.
"Yeah" he replied. "I'm fine. Just worried about how you're handling it."
"Nice try, daddy" she said, "admit it; you're as worried as I am."
"I passed worried ten minutes ago," he admitted. "I'm heading straight to petrified."
"I'm headed there myself" said Mac softly, wiping a tear from her eye before it could fall.
The doors opened on the fourth floor, and holding onto each other the worried parents made the right turn. There in the corridor they saw Trish and Frank holding each other as they stared into a small window.
"Trish! Frank!" exclaimed Mac. The grandparents looked up at the calling of their names.
"Oh, you're here!" replied Trish, leaving the embrace of her husband and reaching into that of her son.
"Mom, what happened?" asked Harm.
"I...we don't know for sure. She was fine, then yesterday morning she started spitting up a whole lot more than usual, and as the day went on it got worse until she finally wouldn't even eat anything."
"Frank said she has a fever?" Harm asked. "How high is it? How long has it been since she's eaten?"
Frank in the mean time moved to try and comfort Mac, who stood beside her husband shaking with fear. He put his arm around her and held her to his body, as any father would comfort any child.
"Last time they checked it was 100.4" replied Trish, "and she hasn't had a bottle since, oh, around 8:00 last night I guess. We brought her in around 9:00."
"That long?" Harm pulled away from his mother. "Where's her doctor?"
"He's around here somewhere" she answered. "They've given her IV fluids almost the entire time she's been here, but she hasn't had a bottle since the last one she took at home."
Harm turned around to check on Mac. He'd forgotten she was there for a moment in his concern about Ainsley.
"Honey, you doing alright?" he asked seeing his wife in his stepfather's arms.
She shook her head. "No, I want to see her, where is she?"
"She's in there," Frank answered pointing to the tiny window. "You can't go in now, though. They're doing more tests on her."
"Oh, my poor baby..." whispered Mac as she thought about the doctors and nurses poking and prodding her precious daughter. "Harm..."
"I'm here, Honey. Come here." He opened his arms for her so she could bury herself in his embrace.
Mac left Frank's side and went to join Harm, knowing she needed to be as close to him as she could be if she was going to get through this.
"I'm gonna go try and find her doctor" said Harm. "See what he can tell us."
Before Harm could leave, the door opened and a tall man in a lab coat walked out. He had inviting soft blue eyes and blue black hair. "Ah, these must be the parents. I'm Dr. Cameron, the Pediatric attending." He extended his hands towards Harm and then Mac.
They both shook the doctor's hand, and then Harm asked, "How is she?"
"Why don't we talk in my office?" Dr. Cameron suggested.
"You two go ahead" said Trish, "we'll wait out here."
Mac and Harm followed the doctor down a short hallway and into an alcove lined with offices. Once inside he invited them to have a seat in the two chairs in front of his oak desk. "I understand you were on your honeymoon, congratulations."
"Yes, thank you" said Mac, not caring what the doctor may think of their backwards way of doing things.
"I'm sure you're worried about your little girl" the doctor began.
"Very" said Mac, "tell us everything you know, please."
"I don't know much yet. I need to ask you a few questions. I understand you're breastfeeding, correct?" he asked.
"Yes" answered Mac.
"Has Ainsley ever had any kind of formula before yesterday?" he continued.
"She's never had any kind of formula at all" said Mac, "not unless someone here gave it to her."
"It wasn't anyone here" said the doctor. "Your mother-in-law told us she had started giving her formula early yesterday. About three hours later this started, so we are fairly sure it's from that" Dr. Cameron explained. "As a result of what is likely no more than an allergic reaction to that type of formula, she hasn't been able to tolerate her food since yesterday afternoon."
"Wait, what?" replied Mac, "Ainsley's never been on formula, you must be confused."
"I'm not confused Mrs. Rabb," the doctor replied. "When I asked your mother-in-law if she had done something different, she said when she ran out of frozen breast milk she gave the baby some formula. There is no mistake."
Mac immediately turned to Harm. "Your mother gave her formula? Why would...what...where did she even get it?"
"The store, I suppose" he sighed.
"Why would she do that?" questioned an upset Mac. "That just doesn't make sense!"
"I know it doesn't, Mac" he said in a firm calm voice, "but let's listen to the doctor. Dr. Cameron, what's being done to help her? You're sure it's only an allergy?" Harm asked.
Mac leaned back in her seat, livid at her mother-in-law for the entire situation. Harm was right, though, their focus for the time being had to be on Ainsley. There'd be plenty of time for pointing blame later.
"We're fairly sure it is" the doctor replied. "An allergy is treatable, and the baby will probably only need to be here two or three days until her electrolytes balance and she can digest her food again. Before I take you to get gowned up so you can go in and see her, I want to explain to you her condition."
Mac reached for her husband's hand and nodded. The doctor continued.
"I think that I need to warn you of some of the other issues that could complicate Ainsley's condition. It really is necessary that you have all the facts," Dr. Cameron said.
"Only if what you have to say relates to the likelihood of an allergy" said Harm. "That's all we're looking at right now."
"I'm focusing on her symptoms as they currently stand" Dr. Cameron outlined. "It took Mrs. Burnett a little while to realize that the baby wasn't able to tolerate the formula. Ainsley was having trouble keeping down her food and water for six hours, and even a few bouts of vomiting in a baby that age can lead to dehydration. We are re-hydrating her slowly and safely. Are you with me so far?" the doctor asked.
They both nodded.
"Having said that, though, while there's always a risk of things turning unexpectedly, I have no reason to believe that with rest and patience she won't be just fine" the doctor explained. "She's running a fever, but I suspect that's probably the result of a little virus that coincidentally came on the same time as the allergic reaction. If she doesn't start perking up soon, I'm going to want to do more tests, but we'll cross that bridge when and if we come to it."
Harm nodded, accepting what the doctor was telling them and, finally, beginning to feel a little better about the situation. "We've been away from her for almost a solid week" he said. "We need to see her."
"I certainly understand" Dr. Cameron replied. "I have children too. Let go get you two gowned and you can see her for a few minutes. Please handle her as carefully as you can. She has an IV line and a nasal oxygen connection that I don't want to disturb. It should all be secured adequately, but if anything were to come loose we'd have to replace it and I don't want to cause her more pain than I have to." The doctor smiled, adding "She really hated getting that IV started."
"Can't say I blame her" replied Harm with a tiny smile, imagining the hell his little girl must have given those nurses. She had her mother's spunk for sure.
Mac smiled a bit, and then moved one hand to touch the edge of her sore breast. "When do you think I can try and nurse her?" she asked the doctor.
"Probably a day or so" he replied. "I want to make sure she's just allergic to the formula and that the change in diet isn't masking another situation."
"We understand" said Harm, looking towards Mac for her reaction.
She had tears in her eyes but she understood. "I'll need a pump then. Mine's at home."
The doctor started walking them back towards the baby's cubicle. He took two long-sleeved yellow gowns from the shelves as he passed. "If you'll put these on over your clothes I'll have her private nurse set you up to hold her for a few minutes each."
"Private nurse?" Mac started. "Why would she need that if you said...?"
"Her grandparents wanted the best for her and Nurse Miceli is the best PICU nurse on staff," Dr. Cameron replied, handing them the gowns.
Mac had difficulty putting on her gown; her hands were shaking with fear and trepidation. Once Harm had his on, she looked at him helplessly.
"Want some help, babe?" he asked her, taking a step towards her.
"I'm scared" she whispered. "I don't know how I'll handle seeing her like that." She said handing him the gown.
"You don't have to if you really don't feel you can" he told her, his hand upon her shoulder. "I'm gonna go in, but if I need to go alone, I can. I won't force you."
"I don't want to" she sighed. "But I have to. Maybe when she hears my voice she'll wake up a little."
"She's been awake a few times, Mrs. Rabb" Dr. Cameron told her. "But it takes a lot of prodding. It always does with babies who've had an experience like hers."
"I bet she'd be happy to hear your voice, Mac" encouraged Harm.
Mac took a deep breath. Once Harm had secured the gown around her waist and they scrubbed their hands with surgical soap, Dr. Cameron led them into Ainsley's cubicle.
Mac looked at her baby girl in the hospital crib. She looked small, but at least she looked peaceful and her color was wonderful. Dr. Cameron summoned a gentle looking older woman, Nurse Miceli, to come assist him. "Mrs. Rabb if you'll sit in the chair here, Nurse Miceli will hand you your baby."
Mac nodded as she sat in the chair, her arms aching to hold her baby.
"She's a cute little bundle, Mrs...What is your given name?" the motherly woman asked. "If you don't mind."
"Sarah" she answered, "but please, call me Mac."
"Mac," she replied. "I'm Irene," she smiled. "Ready to hold your baby?"
"Okay" she whispered, positioning her arms to cradle Ainsley.
"Here you go" Irene said. "You're going to mommy, little one. Here she is," she cooed at the baby before gently lowering the feverish, sleeping child to her mother's waiting arms.
Once the baby was securely in her embrace, all Mac could do was stare down at her as tears of mixed emotions streamed down her face.
"Hi, baby girl" Mac cooed. "Mommy's here now. You're going to be okay now."
Harm leaned over Mac's shoulder, a few tears escaping his own eyes as he looked at his beautiful daughter. He'd missed her so much, and this certainly wasn't the reunion he'd imagined they'd be faced with, but his heart told him everything was going to turn out just fine. He knew it, and no one could tell him otherwise.
"Hi, Ainsley" he whispered to her, working his index finger into her tiny palm. "Daddy missed you so much, and I know you don't feel too good right now, but I'm here, baby girl, I'm here."
Mac ran a tender hand across Ainsley's forehead. "She's so hot, Harm."
"Mm-hmm" he said, touching her cheek with the back of his hand. "She'll cool down soon, though. They're taking good care of her."
Mac kept touching the side of Ainsley's face as the child slept, barely moving. "Ainsley," she called. "Ainsley Rose, look at mommy. Come on, angel. Wake up." She patted her cheek again. "It's all right. Wake up, little one."
Harm smiled as he listened to Mac speak to the baby, hoping Ainsley would wake up a bit more than she had before.
"Ainsley, please open your eyes" Mac coaxed again. "Come on, sweet girl. For mommy, please?"
"It is hard to rouse a baby that has even a bit of dehydration" said Irene. "Don't fret. Perhaps dad here would like to hold her a moment, see if he can't make her stir?"
"Oh, I'd love to" said Harm, "been way too long..."
"I'm not finished yet" Mac said to Irene. "She's still sleeping. I want her to see me."
"She knows you're here, Mac" Irene replied. "Let...excuse I missed your name."
"It's Harm" he replied.
"Let Harm have his turn with her" coaxed the nurse.
"Please, Mac?" he asked. "I've missed her, too."
Mac relented and allowed Irene to take the baby. Ainsley didn't move or stir at all during the transfer. "Okay, dad, have a seat in the rocker."
He did as she asked, and when Ainsley was gently laid into his arms, he felt a rush of a dozen different emotions at once.
"Hi, beautiful" he said softly, rubbing the back of his finger against the baby's cheek. "Daddy's got you, yeah, I've got you..." At the sound of his voice, Ainsley squirmed a bit inside her blanket, as if she was trying to nuzzle in closer to him.
"Did you see that?" he asked excitedly.
"She senses your voice" said Irene. "She feels safe with you. Talk to her some more. This is the first such reaction we've had other than crying."
His heart was racing joyously as he continued to speak to the baby. "Ainsley...can you wake up for me, baby girl?"
"Doesn't she feel safe with me?" Mac asked, feeling a little bit disappointed that she wasn't the one her baby wanted to snuggle with just then.
Harm heard Mac's question to Irene, and it made him feel a little guilty.
"You're very emotional, Mac, and rightfully so" Irene explained. "She sensed that insecurity." She turned to Harm and suggested that he rub the baby's cheek again.
Harm kept speaking to the baby, touching her, trying to get her to awaken fully. "Hey, sweet girl" he cooed, "can you wake up for me? Mommy's here, too, and we missed you so much."
In response to that, Ainsley squirmed again, this time moving her tiny hand as if to ask Harm to touch it.
"Oh, sweetie" he said touching her IV as she moved her hand about. "Careful, you don't want to hurt yourself with this thing."
Mac stood off to the side, smiling at the sight of their daughter responding to her daddy like that.
"Harm, try touching her forehead or her cheek again, a little firmer, let's see if we can get a cry for you before I have to put her back in the bed," Irene suggested.
"Okay" he replied, doing as the nurse had said. He rubbed the baby's cheek with a little more pressure, and she let him know she didn't like that too much.
"That's my good girl!" he said as Ainsley continued to fuss and whimper. He glanced over at Mac and saw the smile on her face.
"Excellent work there Dad" Irene praised. "That's the most we've gotten out of her since she's been here. I have to put her back in a minute, but give her belly a little rub. When she came in that got her to calm down."
"Yeah, we do that at home when she fusses" he said as he unwrapped her blanket a bit.
Mac moved closer to Harm and the baby, kneeling in front of him. She touched the baby's head with her hand as he continued to rub the baby's belly. "Let's see those eyes, beautiful girl" she coaxed.
Hearing her mother's voice, Ainsley opened her eyes part way a few times, and fussed a bit more.
"Hey, how about that?" said an elated Harm, looking at Mac and then back down at the baby.
Mac's smile was ear-to-ear.
"Okay" Irene said. "That enough for now, she needs to go back in the bed." She reached around Mac to take the child from Harm's arms.
"Could you...can we give her another kiss before we have to go?" Harm asked, his calm voice threatening to crack at the thought of leaving his baby again.
"Just a quick one" Irene said. "She needs to be quiet for a while now." She looked a one of the machines on the wall.
Harm carefully shifted Ainsley a little in his embrace, and leaning down gave her a sweet, gentle kiss on the head. "I love you, beautiful girl. You get some sleep and get better, okay?"
Mac leaned in next and kissed her cheek. "Mommy loves you, angel."
With infinite care, Irene leaned and took Ainsley from Harm's arms. She moved expertly and put her on the crib's mattress, then put up the large metal side. "You can see her again in another hour, and you might be able to hold her again. We'll see how she's doing, though." She saw the pain on the young parent's faces as they looked at Ainsley in the bed. "Don't worry" she said. "I'll take good care of her."
"We know you will" said Harm, his heart aching at having to leave.
"Go and get something to eat. You'll need to be strong for her" Irene said as she ushered them to the door.
"I don't want anything to eat" Mac said to the nurse. "I want to stay here. She needs me. I'm her mother."
"Mac" said Harm, putting a hand across her shoulder, "she needs to rest. We'll come see her again in an hour, okay? She'll be fine; Irene will make sure of that. Come on; let's go find something to eat."
"But...she needs me, Harm. Please...I want to stay here. Can't I just sit in the chair and watch her, please?" She looked at him with big doe eyes, brimming with tears. "I want to take care of her. She's my baby."
He knew, in his own way, just what she felt because he was feeling it, too. "We can't stay with her just yet" he said, "but tell you what - let's go eat something and let her rest here, and when we come back I'll see if I can find Dr. Cameron and ask him if we, or at least you, can stay the night here, okay?"
Irene saw the pain and hesitation in the young mother's eyes and she wished she could do something for her. Thinking quickly, she moved to the cabinet behind the baby's oxygen canister and took out a hospital issue breast pump. "Mac, listen to your husband. If she's perking up a bit, one of you can probably stay the night, or at least stay longer than fifteen minutes. Here" she said, handing Mac the pump, "after you eat, you can use this if you'd like. Dr. Cameron mentioned you'd asked for one, correct?"
"I did, thank you" answered Mac. "Mine's at home. We can come back in an hour right?"
"Certainly," Irene replied. "Go on."
Harm took Mac's hand and left Irene to tend their daughter. Once they stepped outside the door, Mac's resolve broke, her knees buckled and she sank back against the door in tears.
He knew this was coming, and was proud of her for holding it in for so long. Kneeling down next to her as she sat on the floor, crying her poor heart out, he said the first thing that came to his mind. "Let it out, babe. It's okay."
"No, its not" she sobbed. "My little girl is in there, sick and helpless and we can't even be with her and I want to be with her. Promise me she'll be okay. Promise me."
He took her hands in his and looked her square in the eye. "I promise. Look how much better she is now than even a half hour ago, babe, how much more alert. That's good!"
"I think maybe I need to lie down for a minute." She sighed and drew a deep breath.
"Okay" he said, "let's go to the waiting room, I think mom and Frank are out there."
Mac tried to rise but she was shaking so hard standing was difficult. Wordlessly she looked to her husband, who understood her silent communication and helped her to her feet. With his arm around her shoulders he led her to the waiting room where Trish and Frank were seated.
"How is she?" asked Trish, springing to her feet as soon as she saw Harm and Mac approaching.
"Some better, we think" Harm replied, as he led Mac to a chair, keeping it short and simple for now.
Trish looked at her son, knowing he wanted to say so much more than that.
"You still need to lie down, babe?" he asked Mac, still holding her hand in his.
"No" she answered, "I think I'll be fine if I just sit for a minute or two."
"Are you alright, Mac?" asked Trish.
Mac looked up at her briefly, then back down at the floor. Harm knew he needed to step in and put a little more space between Mac and his mother, just for the time being.
"Frank, could you take Mac down to the cafeteria and get her a burger and fries?" Harm asked taking out his wallet and handing his stepfather a ten dollar bill.
"Keep your money; son" replied Frank, "I'd be happy to take her down there. Anyone else want anything? Milkshake? Sandwich?"
"No" Harm replied. "Just take care of Mac. I need to have a little talk with my mother." His voice had a bit of an edge to it that was foreign to Mac and even more foreign to Trish.
"Alright" Frank said. "Let's go find a little something to eat, shall we?" He extended his arm to his daughter-in-law.
She hesitated a bit and looked at Harm.
"Go on, babe" he said. "I'll join you in a little while."
With that assurance Mac took Frank's arm and let the older man lead her out of the waiting room and down to the elevators.
"Why won't Mac talk to me?" asked a very worried Trish once Mac and Frank were safely out of earshot.
"I don't know, Mom" Harm said with that same little edge to his voice as a moment ago. "Maybe she's a little baffled, as am I, over why you didn't call us when you ran out of food for the baby?"
"Is that what she's mad at me about?" queried Trish. "Wow, I'm sorry - I didn't think it was a big deal at the time."
"Why wouldn't running out of food for her have been a big deal" he asked, "and how did you run out when Mac left what should have been plenty?"
"She'd been taking more and more every day, and then she started wanting an extra feeding during the night. She just ran out yesterday morning" she said. "Why would I have called you two about it? There wasn't anything you could have done about it from Texas. I knew you'd be back Saturday afternoon, I...I mean...I honestly didn't see a problem with just holding her over with formula. If I'd known it wouldn't sit well in her tummy, I never would have..."
"Maybe we couldn't have done anything about it, but maybe we could have" he argued. "We back here pretty fast this morning after Mac woke up crying, thinking, sensing something was wrong. When you didn't answer any of the phones, we came right back. We could have come back yesterday if we'd known she was out of milk."
"But I didn't want you to feel you needed to do that" she sighed. "In retrospect, it would have been the right thing to do, but I had no idea she'd get so sick from the formula. I mean, it was in the cupboard, I figured it must have been there to use."
It dawned on him that she'd used the can they'd gotten as a free sample from the hospital when Ainsley was born. They'd stashed it in the cupboard, thinking maybe they'd use it eventually, that or they'd give it to someone. "You should have asked," he said, his tone firm. "She's our daughter and we should have been the ones to make that decision" he said trying to control the anger and frustration he was feeling. "As a rule, you don't just switch a breastfed baby to any old formula like that. I thought you'd know that, Mom."
"I did it with you" she said, trying to defend and validate her actions. "You were right around Ainsley's age and you never had a bit of trouble."
"But I'm not Ainsley" Harm patiently reminded her. "Every baby is different. Some handle it without any problems at all, but others don't. Anyway, I was your son. Ainsley is not your daughter. She's mine, mine and Mac's and we should have been consulted."
Trish nodded. "You're right" she said with a sad sigh. "I made a big mistake, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that Ainsley got sick from my poor judgment, and I'm sorry that you and Mac are so upset, but you have every right to be."
"Sorry doesn't fix everything, Mom" Harm snapped. "Sorry in no way can make up for...Damn it, she could have died from this, do you realize that?" he said, a bit louder than he meant to, his own fear finally welling up to the surface.
"Harmon, please!" she replied, "I know that, and I feel..." she paused to catch her breath. "I feel terrible about it, but as soon as we realized something was really wrong, we brought her right over here."
"And that makes it okay?" he asked. "No, it doesn't. Jesus, I just saw my baby on an IV and oxygen, and if that wasn't bad enough, I had to watch my wife collapse in tears. That poor little baby in there...I can't believe it Mom..."
"I'm sorry, son" she said as her tears began to well up. "I'd fix it if I could, but all I can do is say I'm sorry."
"I know," he replied, a few tears escaping his eyes. "But 'I'm sorry' can't take Ainsley's pain away, it can't take the look off of Mac's face, and it can't stop the ache in my chest that says I failed my baby. I'm supposed to protect her and I wasn't able to do that."
"I'm so sorry" she said again, reaching out to dry his tears. "You know how much I love you, all 3 of you..."
Harm sniffed a bit and put his arms around his mother. "I know you meant well, Mom. But..." he sighed. "I'm hurt and I'm angry and I'm all sorts of things right now, but you know I still love you."
"Of course" she said. "You know I'd never..."
He waved his hand to hush her. "I know, Mom. I know you thought you were doing the best thing you could do for her and for us and it turned out not to be. We'll find a way to deal with it and move on, okay?"
She nodded, thankful that her son didn't hate her for what had happened.
"Let's go find Frank and Mac" he said. "You're going to need to apologize to her. She's very upset now and I'm afraid she might not accept your apology at first so please be patient with her."
"I understand" replied Trish. "I'm not sure I'd accept my apology at first if I were in her place, either."
"You're really going to have to put yourself in her shoes" said Harm as they walked towards the elevators. "I mean, all mothers would feel bad about this, but after everything Mac had to go through to have Ainsley, she's not handling this well at all" Harm cautioned.
"I know" she said. "Most mothers-in-law do things their daughters-in-law don't like, but this...this, I don't even know if she'll speak to me for awhile."
"If I were you, I'd almost pray she didn't," he half teased. "She can be mean when she's got a bee in her bonnet. This is going to give her a whole hive."
"She has a right to be angry with me" replied the well-meaning grandmother. "Few things can elicit a fury in a mother like someone causing their child pain. I remember when my cousin's little boy pushed you off the swings at the park when you were two and he was three. You skinned both your knees on the gravel and came to me crying, and she saw what had happened and didn't get after her son. Oh, I was mad, and this...well, this makes that seem like nothing."
Harm nodded as he slipped an arm around her shoulders. "Come on," he sighed. "Let's get this over with."
A/N: I'll get the next chapter up as soon as I can, and I'd sure LOVE it if you'd take a second and let me know what you thought of this one (good, bad or indifferent - I really do take them all to heart)!