disclaimer: All recognizable characters are owned by Marvel, except Jenny who is MINE! (though I have been known to share if you ask nicely.) I expect to make no money off this fic. Dammit.
pre-note: This story takes place during during chapter 13 of "Human and the Demon" while Kurt is sitting at Jenny's bedside.
Chaotic Thoughts
by Dizi
... please, liebchen, do not move ...
I am a mutant. This is a fact that cannot be avoided. Unlike many of my teammates, I cannot hide it. Glasses will hide my yellow eyes as Remy does his and a hat will cover my pointed ears as they do Logan's hair, but what of my blue fur and skin, tail and fangs?
... dummes endstück! ... mustn't touch her! ...
My apprearance is a part of me. It defines who I am to most people as soon as they see me. Without superior technology, I cannot walk down the street without people backing away from me, sometimes actually screaming in terror. They look at me and see a demon straight from hell, never realizing I am a devout Catholic. It is rare that even other mutants do not look on me with fear when they first meet me. A normal human has never done so.
... creator of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen. I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord. He was concieved by the power of the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin Mary...
Until Jenny.
... mein Jenny ...
She is amazing. A normal human who has no aversion to my appearance but by my hiding it. My sheer wonder in that may be hard for you to fully understand, but we have been seeing each other for some time now and it still fills me with awe. Also amusement, as she does not attempt to disguise her disgust for the image inducer.
... someone else here... only Bobby...
For more than a year before we met, I listened to my friends speak about her, how kind she was, how hard she worked, what a benefit she was to the household. If they did speak of her utter acceptance of us - mutants, that is - it was not made clear to me.
... where is Hank? Jenny needs him...
It was a surprise to say the least. She didn't bat an eye, didn't acknowledge in any way that I am different from anyone else. She shook my three-fingered hand without hesitation, thanked me for helping a stranger move furniture. We as X-men work to make the world a better place and never receive thanks - usually its a scream - what was a thing such as putting together a bed in comaprison? She even kissed my cheek as I left along with everyone else.
... she made a sound ... has the pain gotten worse?...
How to describe how that made me feel? To be treated as everyone else is something I had only felt with my comrades in the circust and the X-men, and it was not always constant even then. But this worman was someone who became more upset about her mutant frineds being insulted than her furniture being ruined. She was worried about the feelings of her friends -mutant friends who put their lives in danger daily - from bigoted humans. She was actually angry about it.
... so beautiful ... how could they have done this to her?...
It took me so long to take in the way she acted - or didn't act would be a better way to say it, I suppose - that it wasn't until the next day I realized how lovely she was.
... want to hurt them... make them suffer as she is ...
She believes herself to be plain no matter how many times I tell or show her otherwise, calling herself a "brown mouse" because of her hair and eyes. How to make her see herself as I do? The lustruous color of her hair, the smile she gives me, the laughter in her eyes; perhaps she is not the most beautiful woman I have ever seen but she is beautiful inside and out. Over time she has come to understand that I see her as beautiful but she teases that it is a flaw caused by my mutation. I, of course, assure her it is NOT a flaw but truth.
... hallowed be Thy name. Thy kindom come, Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us...
The look of wonder on her face when we speak like this always boosts my ego.
... there! Her eyes are open!...
Not to mention the way she watches me. I have always been able to feel her eyes on me. At first I would look for fear or apprehension to be in them, but all I have ever seen is fascination and interest, such as a woman can have for a man instead of a freak. I have been with other women, had other relationships, but never have I been accepted and admired like this.
... she doesn't really see me ...
Jenny quite simply makes me feel good; free to be myself. It brings out the mischief-maker in me. How can someone who looks as I do not have a mischievous streak? The kind that makes me don claws, ragged clothing, and fake blood at Halloween before hiding and jumping out to scare passersby. Only the adults though, I would never scare the children. Well, only the naughty ones...
... hope she knows I am here ...
It made Jenny laugh and relax which is what I have been releasing that side of myself for. Sometimes my mischief turns out well and sometimes it does not. Either way at some point Jenny smiles and laughs, relaxing for a time. Something I do not feel she does enough of, relaxing that is.
... she is so still ...
It took time for me to understand how much she needs to feel useful and how much she needs someone to take care of her. She is filled with energy it seems and getting her to stop working is a real trick. The woman never stops. I still must work to make her. She laughs when I say she will put herself in an early grave. No one should work as hard as she does, and I have found I must help to keep her from doing it all. Like most, I have always tended to avoid housework, but I love the way she watches in rapt fascination when I do it. It is probably close to the way I watch her.
... cannot raise my eyes from her ...
Because of how she reacts to me, it took me a long time to realize my feelings for her were more. I was afraid it was only gratitude for her acceptance of me. I found her to be fun and interesting, we share many views, when we talk I want to talk to her more, when I have her in my arms I want her to stay there. We dance and I do not want it to end. How deep that made my feelings I did not know.
... Dear God... the blood...
Then I found out what had been done to her.
... she's bleeding again!...
Actually, it was before I discovered what had happened, only that something had been done to her. That was when I knew my feelings were more. To know she had been hurt, without even know how or why, tore into my heart like nothing else has before.
... the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary pray for us sinners ...
I did not handle the knowledge well. I made assumptions I shouldn't have, not understanding how she had already learned to deal with her past or how strong her feelings for me had become. Because of this I almost lost her.
... can't lose her...
She also has a problem with her appearance but unlike me she is able to hide it. Jenny's is connected to her traumatic history and she has trouble understanding how special is because of it. The scars across her back and shoulders are very painful to look upon.
... don't look at her back ...
Not to trivialize it, but they mean nothing to me. It took much effort to convice her of this, but now when we are alone she feels easy enough in my presence to wear clothing that doesn't hide her scars completely. Do not for a second believe I do not understand what a compliment that is.
... please, Jean, do not talk to me... cannot listen...
Seeing them makes the physical pain she suffered very obvious though and that does bother me. It also reminds me of the emotional pain she suffered and that is where I made my mistake with her. All I could think about was how much she had been hurt. I would have her in my arms and suddenly worry that something I did would frighten her. This was all in my mind, by the way, because she never showed any sign of fear when we touched. It was the opposite in fact, which only made it worse.
... should have done more ...
Thank the Lord for Remy. Without his interference I do not know if I would hve understood in time that my pushing her away was doing more to hurt her than treating her normally would have. Perhaps it was the image I was shown by Logan I can never forget, but until then I hadn't been able to understand.
... should have been faster...
Jenny may be too good for me as she forgave me before I did myself, and most likely my teammates too.
... never forgive myself ...
As we deepened out relationship to a physically intimate one, my feelings for her deepened too. I know I love her, but...
... I love her so much ...
Is it true love? The lasting kind? How does one really know? I have been hurt before and I don't know.
... NEIN!...
But I want the chance to find out. What I really want is the chance to discuss it with her.
... don't make me go!...
But right now I can't.
... can't leave her!...
Her past has again come back to haunt her. She is lying in pain, the bleeding stopped now, on a bio-bed.
... he's here... Hank will help her...
As I brush her hair back from her face, I am not really thinking clearly. My thoughts are chaotic. Going over our past together again and again. How important she is to me. How I want her to be stong and whole again.
... make the pain go away ...
My Jenny again.
... mein schlecht Jenny... mein liebling ...
German Key:
liebchen - sweetheart
dummes endstück - stupid tail
mein - my (or mine)
nein - no
mein schlect Jenny - my poor Jenny
mein liebling - my darling
note: If you didn't get this story, try reading it again with the understanding that it is ALL thoughts. If you've read chapter 13, he sat silently beside her not wanting to disturb Jenny. When people spoke to him, he didn't answer. This is that time. Also try reading all the regular script and then all the italics.
CaptainTish- He's a seasoned entertainer and would HAVE to have known the girls were watching so intently.
S- Hey, don't forget the wet tight tshirt! (heart palpitating) oh my! Got a list on my bio, but I didn't explain it. I can transfer it if others think it would be nice tho.
B Oots- Sorry, I didn't show it but I assume he did. Would have been a sight to see huh?
Mikita- You're so welcome! Couldn't resist him "putting on a show".
xmenloganfan- Glad you like it. I would suggest reading the others but I can see you already have!
Jinxeh- I'm with your friend on that one! But I totally get the thing about intolerant preps. We don't make fun of their starched shirts, do we? I figure Jenny would get a little bit possive at that point.
MeadowLark4491- Really? Since "The First Test"? And you never reviewed? My feelings are so hurt... I'm just kidding, I don't always review either. Hope you like how Jenny has progressed.
Shorty McGee- Thanks! If you like these you'll probably like the main story. Some of these stories may not be fully understood if you haven't read the others.
The next short is also going to be Kurt-centric and will take place between 15 and 16. Actually I have two short-stories that are in that time frame. So I'll post it in a couple weeks approximately.
Thanks for reading and the support,
Dizi