Disclaimer: Again, I say, if they're looking for a new home... :)
A/N: Many sincere thanks to everyone who read and reviewed chapter 69! I appreciate your time and your willingness to share your thoughts with me, and I take them all to heart, I really do! The situation with the baby is, as I said before, based on a real-life situation, but obviously the baby wasn't mine. It was the daughter of a relative of a friend of mine. Again, I've tried to make the medical stuff as real-to-life as I could, but I may have a few holes here or there. I'm basing some things on my experience when my nephew was in ICU as an infant,and I know different hospitals do things differently.
The emotions continue to flow strong in this chapter as Mac deals with what happened, and as Harm tries to figure out how tobe there for the 3 girls in his life who need him the most right now. My goal is to portray both Harm and Mac as highly loving, concerned parents who found themselves thrown into the middle of a stressful situation as soon as their amazing week together drew to a close. This chapter takes place the same night as Chapter 69, and they've only been back in town for a few hours, not early long enough to process everything.
Lastly, a big hug to my sweet friend, LadyCommish, whose suggestions, ideas and co-authoring alot of the dialogue have helped me tremendously these last few chapters. You rock, girly :)
Chapter 70:
Mac sat at the table in the cafeteria. Frank had bought her the burger and fries Harm told him to get her and an iced tea. She sat with the food in front of her, playing with one French fry and a pile of ketchup with one hand, head resting on the other.
It was this sight that greeted Harm and Trish when the entered the cafeteria.
"She doesn't look good" said Trish softly to her son.
"She's not good" he sighed sadly. "She's been having a rough time and she didn't need this now." He thought back to the deeply painful confessions Mac had laid upon him at the hotel the previous night, knowing it had drained her to pour her heart out like that.
They walked up to the table and caught Frank's attention first. "Hi there" he said, "any more word on Ainsley?"
"No" Harm replied. "She's resting." He knelt down beside Mac. "How are you doing, Baby? You haven't eaten a bite."
"Not hungry" she said quietly, absentmindedly staring at the fry in her hand.
"I know, but you have to keep up your strength. I don't want you in a hospital bed next" he told her gently. "Come on, just half of the burger." He used the plastic knife to cut it and lifted one half to her lips.
She took the burger from him and took a small bite. It was cold now and not very appealing, but it was food.
"That's my Marine" he praised. "Did you, uh" he nodded towards her chest in silent query.
"Not yet" she said, swallowing the bite she had in her mouth. "Guess I should, though, I'm starting to hurt."
"Finish the burger first if you can" he said. "Then you can have some privacy. I think Mom wants to talk with you for a minute too." He looked at his mother.
Mac looked at her mother-in-law with an empty stare. She knew, of course, that Trish wanted, needed to talk to her, but she didn't want to hear it. Not quite yet anyway.
"No" she said to Harm while keeping her eyes on Trish. "Not yet."
"Honey, you're going to have to do it sooner or later. You both feel terrible..."
Mac shifted her gaze to her husband. "She should feel terrible" she said. "It's her fault we're here!"
"That's not fair, Mac" he sighed.
"Harm," she sighed. "I just...I have to get out of here. I...come with me?" she asked reaching out for him, needing him close to her now more than she had before, ever. He had been her rock through the entire journey, and she needed that now more than she had in a long time.
Harm looked at his mother. "I'm gonna go with her" he said, "but we'll be back." Harm waited for Mac to rise then put his arm around her shoulders. She leaned against him letting him support nearly her entire weight. She burrowed her face into his side, the arm she'd slipped around his middle holding on tight.
As she watched her son leave with his wife, Trish sat down next to Frank and sighed deeply.
"I'm to blame for this" she said.
"Yes" he replied, "but you meant well and in time Harm and Mac will see that. I'm just as much to blame. I didn't think to question the decision. Is he very angry?"
"Oh yes" she answered. "He's pretty upset with me, and he has every right to be."
"I hope he didn't yell at you, though. You're still his mother." Frank comforted. "What did he say?"
"He didn't yell" she said, "much. He said I should have called them when the frozen milk was gone and they would have come home or would have at least been the ones who made the decision to try the formula. He's right. That should have been up to them."
Frank sighed and hugged her to him a bit. "She's going to be alright though. Do you want a cup of tea?"
"No thanks" she said. "I need to talk to Mac, but she doesn't want anything to do with me right now."
"She needs to be with Harm and Ainsley now, Honey" he reminded her. "Leave her be, let her come to you."
"I suppose so" she relented. "I just want her to know how sorry I am for not calling and for making the baby sick like this."
"She knows you're sorry" Frank assured her. "She just doesn't want to hear that right now. All she wants is to hold her baby and have her be healthy. Remember how you felt that time Harm ejected and was being tossed around in the ocean. All you wanted to do was see him and touch him and he was 37 years old."
"I know" she replied timidly. "Your baby is always your baby."
"Exactly" he sighed. "Come now. You need to try to eat something yourself."
She nodded. "Just a muffin and a cup of coffee, sweetie. I'm not all that hungry."
Still locked in each other's arms, Harm and Mac unconsciously turned their steps towards the elevators. They waited in silence, rode up in silence, and walked down the hall to Ainsley's cubicle in silence. When they reached the tiny window and saw Irene bent over their little girl, running a wash cloth down her cheeks, Mac shuddered and pressed harder against Harm.
"I know, Honey" he whispered. "I know." He gently put his hand on her back and rubbed up and down her arm in a soothing gesture.
"I don't want to talk about this right now, Harm" she said. "It's been 51 minutes, think they'll let us back in to see her yet?"
"They said an hour, Mac" he replied. "Plus, I think we do need to talk about this. I'm worried about you, Honey."
"Don't be" she said as she looked him in the eye, "I'm just reacting to my baby being in there instead of at home with us, where she belongs. I'm not gonna fall apart, so please, focus your worries on more worthwhile things, such as your daughter lying in there sick as can be, or better yet, focus on how you're going to tell your mother that she'll never take care of Ainsley again!"
"Try not to feel like that yet, babe" he asked her, "at least not until you know the whole story."
"And what's that? How is that..." she pointed to the scene through the glass, "...in any way justifiable?"
"It's not justifiable" he answered, "not at all, but it is explainable and I think you and I need to sit down and talk about it, talk about what my mom said."
"I don't want to leave" Mac replied. "If I can't touch her yet then I want to look at her. Just..." She drew in a breath. "Just tell me."
He thought for a moment about how best to begin the conversation. Deciding there was no easy way to start, he just began to speak.
"Ainsley had been eating more then usual as the week went on" he said, "that's how they ran out of milk. She was taking more during the day and sometimes even an extra feeding at night; it just didn't last as long as it would have if she'd stayed on the same amount she was on when we left."
Mac sighed. "You see, your mom doesn't know her like we do. She probably gave her a bottle every time she cried. She probably didn't even know if Ainsley was really hungry, she probably just pushed that bottle..."
"I don't think that's what happened" he said, "but it's certainly a possibility, We did tell mom that she could feed her on demand, though, so if to her that meant feeding her more often than we would have, that's just the way it went. Regardless, though, mom said they didn't run out of milk until yesterday morning, and she saw the can of formula in the cabinet and thought, she honestly thought it was the logical answer."
Again, Mac sighed. "Why didn't she call us, though?"
"I asked her that very thing" he replied, "asked her why she didn't allow us to be the ones to make the decision about what to do. She said she didn't want us to feel like we needed to rush back home early, and that since the formula was there she figured it would be fine to use that to tide the baby over until we got home."
"Well, obviously it wasn't fine" Mac said. "Look at what happened."
"I know" he said. "That's exactly what I told her. I asked her how she could think the baby running out of food wasn't important enough to call us about, and she said she just didn't see the big deal with using the formula, said I'd done just fine with it when I was Ainsley's age, you know how it goes..."
"Yeah" Mac sighed. "She did it with you so it has to be all right." Mac's grip tightened. "I'm so glad I have you to hold me through this."
He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "I'm glad I have you, too. This isn't easy, part of me feels caught in the middle of the three women I love most in the world, you know? I want to be everything that you and Ainsley need while not making my mother feel lower than dirt. It's hard."
"I know" Mac sighed. "But..." She never finished. "Harm, it's been an hour."
"Ready to see our girl again?" he asked, squeezing her close to him.
"Yes and no" she replied. "I'm scared to see her like that. I hate seeing her like that."
"She's getting better by the minute, babe" he said. "Maybe this time we can get her to really wake up, you never know."
"Let's go then. Can you...will you get Irene's attention and ask if we can go back in?" Mac asked.
"Of course" he said, releasing her from his embrace and walking through the double doors into the ward. Once inside, Mac could see him speaking with the nurse at the desk. He returned a moment later with a smile on his face.
"Come on" he said. "We can hold her again if we want."
Harm reached his hand out to her and she took it gratefully. Hand in hand they walked through the door, scrubbed their hands and got gowned up, which Mac managed herself this time. "You can hold her first" she told Harm.
"You sure, babe?" he asked her, knowing how badly she longed to hold the baby herself.
"Yeah" she sighed and leaned into him again. "You've earned it, putting up with me. I haven't been very Marine-like of late. I'm sorry."
"You've got nothing to be sorry about, Mac" he told her. "This is a tough situation for you, I know it is. You have a right to be upset if you want, about any or every part of this."
"I'm not just talking about this, but thank you" she smiled a bit at him. "I love you, you know that don't you?"
"Of course I do" he replied as they reached the entrance to Ainsley's cubicle. He allowed Mac to walk in ahead of him.
"And here's mommy and daddy, sweet pea" Irene crooned to the baby gently patting her belly. "I bet you want to cuddle with them a little bit, don't you."
"Is she awake?" asked Harm.
Irene shook her head. "She hasn't roused much since you left earlier, but she's held steady, which is good. Have a seat and you can hold her for a few minutes each."
He looked at Mac. "Sure you don't wanna go first?"
"No, go on" she said. "Sit down there, daddy."
He smiled, rubbing her back a little before taking a seat in the rocking chair. "All set" he said to Irene, "you can bring me my girl."
Irene leaned over and picked up the baby. "Here we go, little one" she crooned. "You're going to daddy. Yes" she smiled, and leaned down placing the baby in Harm's waiting arms.
"Hi, sweetheart" he said as he looked down at Ainsley in his arms. "Did you have a good nap while we were gone? Hmmm? Well, that's all fine and good, but you need to wake up and let me see those little blue eyes of yours, okay, baby? You know, some people", he paused to look at Mac, "say those eyes are one of our best features."
Mac smiled at him in total agreement. The baby didn't open her eyes, but she did stir in her sleep and nuzzle closer to her father's warmth.
Harm moved his arms so he could hold her a little tighter as he continued to talk to her. "Ainsley, wake up, baby girl. You know, once they say you can eat, you have to be awake to do that so they'll let us take you home. Don't you wanna go home with mommy and daddy? Yeah, I know you do, don't you?"
This time, Harm was rewarded with a wiggle of her tiny leg for his efforts, along with another nuzzle.
"Try rubbing her cheek or her belly again, Harm" Irene advised. "That got her to cry last time, maybe she'll wake up more this time."
He nodded and did as she suggested, softly rubbing the baby's cheek as he held her close. "Well, that's not doing much this time" he said, "lets try this." He carefully laid Ainsley down in his lap, her feet against his stomach. He unwrapped her blankets and began tenderly rubbing her legs.
"Ainsley" he said softly, "come on, sweet girl, look at me, look at daddy."
"Harm" Irene broke in, "this little baby...she's better but she may not have the energy to..."
Harm smiled at the kind-hearted nurse. "You don't know my daughter very well, Irene. She's got the determination and stubbornness of both Mac and me,Marine and Navy, and she's very much got a mind of her own. You watch, she'll surprise you yet." No sooner had he finished his sentence when the baby opened both eyes wide, blinking a couple of times as they adjusted to the dim light.
"Harm" Mac gasped. "Hi, baby" Mac cooed as she knelt near her baby and touched her face. "It's mommy. Mommy's here now."
Ainsley looked at her mother and stared intently.
"Do you want your turn now, Mac?" asked Harm.
"You can have a few more minutes. She's looking right at you, honey" Mac smiled.
Ainsley had turned her stare to her father, her eyes fixed on his face. She reached out her little hand and made a tiny sound. It was her coo, only softer and less excited.
"She sounds much stronger" Irene smiled. "You were right about her, Harm, and it appears she's a Daddy's Girl."
He smiled wide and proud, taking his daughter's little hand in his fingers. "I must say she is" he replied, "always has been, I suppose."
Ainsley kicked her tiny legs again, and began to cry in earnest, legs and arms flailing about.
"My goodness" said Harm as he picked the baby up from his lap and cradled her in his arms again, "are you gonna tell mommy and daddy all about it? Hmmm? What's wrong, my love?"
"Easy, Harm" Irene counseled. "You're pulling on her IV."
Irene grabbed the IV line and moved it so that Harm's earnest to comfort his daughter wouldn't pull Ainsley's IV out of her vein.
Once again in her Daddy's arms, the baby's cries died down to whimpers and her eyes started to droop again.
"Now, baby girl" he said softly, "you need to stay awake while mommy holds you, okay?" Looking towards Mac, who was standing very near the rocker, "you ready for her?" he asked.
"Yes" she replied. "Does she feel cooler to you? I thought she was cooler."
He felt the side of the baby's face with the back of his hand. "Oh, yeah, she's a lot cooler then she was, a lot."
"I'll hold her until you get yourself situated, Mac" Irene offered, reaching to take the baby from Harm.
Once Irene had a safe grip on the baby, Harm stood up from the rocking chair. "All yours, my dear" he said to Mac, leaning down to kiss her lips and draw her in for a quick hug.
Mac leaned into the hug,then pulled back a little."Ooh, ow."
"What?" he asked her, and then it occurred to him. "Oh, I'm sorry babe, I forgot - weren't you gonna go take care of that before we came in here?"
"I forgot when the hour was up. I can wait, unless..." She looked at Irene as she laid the baby into Mac's arms. "Do you think I can try to nurse her?"
"I don't think so yet, Mac" said Irene, "but I'll page Dr. Cameron and see. You cuddle that little one and I'll be right back."
"Maybe he'll say you can give it a try" offered Harm as he knelt beside his wife and daughter.
"I don't really think so" she frowned. "Ainsley" Mac cooed, "can you look at mommy, baby?"
Harm sighed. "Yeah, it's probably a little too soon, I mean she just really woke up for the first time since she got here, and of course if the tests aren't back yet they can't let you try."
As if to answer the question, Dr. Cameron and Irene came into Ainsley's room. "Well, I have good news and bad news" he announced.
"Let's have it" said Harm, putting a supportive hand on Mac's shoulder.
"The good news is, Ainsley here had an allergic reaction to her formula and in a couple of days, she'll be good as new" he replied, smiling at the family before him.
"Oh, thank God" said Mac, bringing the baby close for a kiss.
"That's great" said Harm with a relieved smile, "what about the bad news, though?"
"The bad news is while she is doing much better and is out of the woods, she's still fairly weakened and I don't believe at this time we should risk upsetting her recovery by attempting to feed her. Perhaps tomorrow morning when it's been a full 48 hours since the initial onset."
Mac's heart sank a little. "If you feel that's best" she said, "okay. What time tomorrow morning should we be here?"
"Wouldn't it be better if one of us stayed with her?" Harm asked, knowing that Mac wouldn't want to leave Ainsley again overnight. He could barely stand to think of that himself.
"You're both welcome to stay if you'd like" the doctor replied, "but she's going to be here a few days. I'd recommend a good night's sleep tonight; it would give you a chance to get some things together for yourselves and for the little one."
"I don't need a good night's sleep" said Mac, "I need to be here for her if she needs me. I've been away from her for a week, I've missed her and she's sick and she needs me." Mac glanced down as Ainsley lay asleep in her arms.
"Mac" Harm said softly, "you do need to sleep. We should go home tonight and come back early tomorrow morning." He tried to reason. "She's going to sleep most of the night anyway. The better rested we are the better care we can give her."
Mac sighed. He was right, she was exhausted and really did need a solid night's sleep. "Okay" she relented, "we'll go home but we're coming back first thing in the morning." Turning to Dr. Cameron, "can we have it noted in her chart that when she's able to eat again, she's not to be offered a bottle?"
"We can," Dr. Cameron replied. "I'll note it myself. It highly unlikely she'll take a bottle again for awhile as it is," he informed them. "She's old enough to hold a grudge, and from what I understand she was never too fond of her bottles as it was."
"You've got that right" replied Harm with a little laugh as he thought back to the night feedings he'd done and the fight Ainsley gave him almost every time.
"I need to examine this little one" said Dr. Cameron as he stood beside Ainsley's bed. "As soon as I'm finished I'll let you each hold her ten more minutes. How does that sound?"
Mac nodded. She didn't like the way the doctor had said Ainsley may hold a grudge towards the bottle - it made her worry that the baby may hold one against her, too. "Okay" she said to the nurse, "you can take her, we'll come back in ten."
"Um, what do you need to do to her?" Harm asked his protective instinct kicking into overdrive.
"I need to get some blood and test her electrolytes as well as a general exam," Dr. Cameron replied. "You're both welcome to stay if you'd like, but some parents find it pretty hard."
Harm looked over at Mac, his mind drifting back to the day Ainsley was born and the nurse had to prick her tiny heel for her PKU test. His heart broke then, but he felt he should be here to comfort his little one. "Honey, do you want to stay?"
"I'm fine" insisted Mac, "I can stay, I just won't watch them stick her."
"You sure you're, uh, comfortable enough?" Harm asked, nodding towards her chest. "Not too sore? I can stay with her while you go and pump if you want" he offered.
"I'm miserable" she answered quietly, "but I don't want to leave her. I can wait until we get home."
"Mac," he raised his eyebrow at her. "You know you shouldn't do that. It's not good for you. She'll be all right and as soon as you're done you can come and cuddle her," he tried to compromise.
"Yeah, okay" she agreed. "Where'd the pump end up? We didn't leave it in the cafeteria, did we?"
"Navy to the rescue there, Marine" Harm smiled. "It's over there, on the gown shelf."
"Oops" she said with a little laugh, "glad you remembered that because I sure didn't." She untied and removed her yellow gown, handing it to Harm and taking the pump. "I won't be gone too long" she said, adding "I love you" as she left to find the ladies room.
Harm watched her go and turned back to Dr. Cameron. "Let's get this done. I want the bad stuff over by the time she gets back, she's a mess."
"Certainly...She's doing better than my wife did the first time our baby boy was sick," the doctor commented.
"She's a Marine" Harm replied.
"I'm going to do the physical exam first" the doctor replied. "Stand next to Irene; I'll explain what I do as I do it."
"Okay" said Harm as he stepped around to the left side of his baby's kind-hearted nurse.
Dr. Cameron took Ainsley from Irene, laid her down on the crib's mattress and removed her little hospital gown. He lifted the stethoscope and placed his hands around the bottom of it to warm it up before he placed it on her tiny chest. "Just a quick listen here," he told Harm. "Sound good, nice and steady."
He rolled the baby over to her belly and placed the instrument to her tiny back. "I'm listening to her lungs now. Nice and clear. She's doing fine so far."
Harm smiled, feeling such relief that Ainsley was improving. "Her fever" he said, "did she have a touch of a virus on top of the allergy?"
Gently the doctor moved her again so she was lying on her back. He pinched her cheek gently, "She's pinking up. Not quite all the way but she's better than she was earlier. Let's see those pupils, Ainsley," he spoke to the baby directly as he pulled up her little eyelid. "Looks good here, too. Irene, can I have the thermometer, please?" he asked.
"It could be, she also could have spiked one from the exertion on her body or from the allergen itself. A baby often runs a temperature a lot faster than an adult will." He clicked the Thermoscan and read the reading. "Temp's down to 99.6. You're doing a good job there, Ainsley" he complemented her. "Let's see those ears."
He placed the otoscope in the baby's ear canal, right, and then the left. "Ears are pink, nice and clear." Next he lifted her free hand and pressed on little finger. "Cap refill is fine. She's doing much better, Mr. Rabb" he told Harm.
"Great" replied the proud daddy as he looked at his sweet little girl. "So you're still confident she'll be able to eat tomorrow?"
"She should be," he replied. "If she keeps this up."
Harm nodded as he gently caressed Ainsley's forehead.
"Your turn, dad" Dr. Cameron said. "How does she feel to you?"
"Oh, uh" he replied, "I think she feels a lot cooler than when we first got here, and she's definitely stronger. She's more alert, way more alert."
"I actually just meant her skin," the doctor smiled. "But she is cooler and she is more alert. She just tires out really easy. You see her forehead there?" He pointed to the spot in between her tiny eyebrows.
"Mmhmm" he answered.
"It's smooth now. When she got here it was starting to flake. She still has some dry spots, but that's proof she's re-hydrating. Want to help me check her mouth?" Dr. Cameron asked. He found it helped the parents to be involved in the exam, the dads anyway.
"Sure" said Harm, "what do I need to do?"
"Wash your hands" replied the doctor, "then we'll get her to open her mouth. See if she has the amount of saliva she usually has. Parents know this best."
"She's never been much of a drooler, really" said Harm as he walked towards the sink in the corner. "Of course, Mac tells me that'll change when she begins to teethe, which will undoubtedly be an experience."
Dr. Cameron laughed. "Oh yes, you could say that."
"That bad, huh?' chuckled Harm.
"It can be" said the doctor, "but my wife and I survived it 3 times, I'm sure your family will do just fine. You ready to get started here, dad?"
"Yes, sir" he replied with a smile as he tossed the paper towel into the trash.
"Okay. Good luck. She's not too cooperative on the 'open your mouth, Ainsley' command," he told Harm. "Once that's done we can get her blood and we'll be all done."
Harm leaned over his daughter, who was still awake but beginning to nod back to sleep. "Hey, sweet girl" he said, "daddy's gotta open your mouth for just a second, so if you wanna get mad about it, you go right ahead, okay?" He carefully slipped his index finger inside the corner of her mouth and felt around inside.
"Do I have to get her to open her mouth" he asked, "or is my judgment right here sufficient?"
"As long as you can feel around her gums" Dr. Cameron replied. "It should feel the way your mouth does on a normal day."
"Well, it feels fine to me" he said, "but I think Mac would be a better judge of that, maybe?"
"Pull her lips out a bit" he instructed and put on reached a gloved hand out to feel a bit himself.
"Like that?" he asked, the baby fussing a tiny bit as her daddy messed with her mouth.
"Perfect." He felt the inside of her lower lip. "Much better. Not normal, but much better."
"Hey, we'll take 'better'" said Harm, leaning down to give the baby a kiss.
"Now, here's the bad part" he sighed. "Irene, can you hold Ainsley's left leg down, please? I want to draw the blood from the femoral vein."
Irene moved closer to the baby and held her leg in place so Dr. Cameron could draw the blood quickly. "If she's still it will hurt her less" she smiled, sympathy in her eyes as she saw the concern in Harm's. "You can close your eyes if you want to, or you can step outside. Some parents have a hard time with needle sticks."
Harm cringed at the thought of Ainsley getting stuck, but he knew he needed to stay with her if he could. "I'll admit I hate seeing her get stuck" he said, "but I like being with her right afterwards. She's like her daddy, she hates needles, you know..."
"Okay" Dr. Cameron said. "Here's the alcohol wipe" he narrated as he used the pad to wipe the place where he was going to put the needle's tip.
Ainsley jumped at the feel of the cold wipe against her little leg.
Harm couldn't look as the needle went in, but he knew what was happening based on the wails Ainsley was letting out.
"I'm sorry, Ainsley" Dr. Cameron apologized. "It's almost over," he told the wailing child as he switched vials pushing the needle's tip a bit deeper.
"It's okay, baby girl" Harm said as the doctor did what he had to do. He wished he could trade places with her.
"All done" Dr. Cameron announced removing the needle and placing a cotton ball and a band-aid over the tiny wound. "You were such a good girl" he praised. "Go on dad, I did my job, your turn."
Harm picked Ainsley up and put her head against his shoulder so he could talk to her as she screamed. "Ainsley" he said gently into her ear, "I'm so sorry that hurt you, angel. Daddy's got you, ssh, yes, I've got you. You're fine, I promise, you are."
Irene took the IV pole and moved it closer to Harm so that his position wouldn't cause the line to become dislodged. Harm smiled at her, grateful that she remembered that. His only though was for his distraught daughter.
Mac could hear Ainsley howling as she made her way through the double doors of the PICU. She scrubbed her hands and gowned up as fast as she could before heading in to see what was wrong.
"What's wrong with her?" asked the concerned mother as the baby continued to cry in Harm's embrace.
"Nothing much" he replied. "Say 'I'm okay, Mommy'" he told Ainsley. "'I just got poked with a big bad needle.'"
"Oh, poor baby" said Mac, touching Ainsley's little head, which was sweaty from crying so hard. "She's like you, babe" said Mac, "doesn't take needles well at all."
"And you do?" he laughed. He jiggled Ainsley more, "Its okay, Baby. It's okay. Do you want to go to mommy?" he asked. "Want your mommy?"
"Be careful of her IV" Irene reminded him. "Try rubbing her back, Mac once you get her."
"I will, thanks" said Mac, reaching out to take her daughter. "Oh, come here my love, yes."
Harm moved to pass Ainsley to Mac, hoping her touch would sooth the baby as much as it did him when he was sad or hurt. To his chagrin, Ainsley just cried louder.
"No, baby, don't cry" said Mac, holding Ainsley the same way Harm had been, the baby's head upon her shoulder. "Mommy's sorry you got poked like that, but you're okay. Yeah, daddy was right here, and now mommy's back and you're just fine. Should we rock, sweetie? Would you like that? Let's do that."
As Mac began to walk, Harm pushed the IV pole so that she could sit with Ainsley in the rocking chair and try to soothe her. Once Mac was seated her knelt beside them and rubbed Ainsley's baby hair with his thumb.
Mac looked at Harm, asking him with her eyes if she should try the trick they knew would calm their baby down. He nodded, "Go ahead. You do it."
While rocking in a slow rhythm, Mac rubbed Ainsley's back and began to sing the Navy Hymn. "Eternal father, strong to save, Whose arm hath bound the restless wave…."
At the sound of the familiar lullaby, Ainsley's screams died down to a regular cry. After the second verse, a whimper, until finally, there was nothing but silence.
"You did it there, Mom" Harm smiled. "You have the sweetest voice."
"Yours is much better than mine" she said, smiling at the feel of their sleeping baby in her arms.
"Not when you're singing to her" he replied leaning over to kiss Ainsley's forehead. "She really hated that needle."
Mac nodded. "I'm sure she did. Thanks for staying with her. Have I told you lately that you're such an amazing dad?"
"Nope," he smiled at her. "Have I told you what a wonderful Mom you are?"
"Nope" she answered, smiling back at him.
"Well, you are" he said, "and you're beautiful." He kissed her lips, forgetting about Irene.
"We better get home" he said to Mac after he broke the kiss. "We have to get back here early so you can give her breakfast."
She nodded. "Think she's calm enough for us to leave yet, though?"
Harm peeked over Mac's shoulder to look at Ainsley's face. "More than calm, babe. She's out."
"I had a feeling she was" said Mac. "She needs to be after all that crying. You wanna take her, or should I just lay her back in the bed?"
"I think I best do that" Irene interjected. "I have to lay her so her IV line doesn't tangle in her oxygen tube. Good news is, if she stays this pink, we can take her off of that in the morning."
"Oh, alright, sure" said Mac, sitting up a little to make it easier for Irene to take the baby.
"Once I get her settled, you can give her a good night kiss" Irene told them. "You can come back about nine or so tomorrow I think. That'll be a full 48 hrs since that first bottle of formula."
"I'm sure we'll be here before nine" said Harm. "I know she can't eat before then, but we'll still be here to hold her and talk to her." He knew parents were allowed to visit at any time except during shift changes, and he knew his wife wouldn't do well sitting at home half the morning when she'd be awake early.
"That's fine. Make sure you check at the desk before you come up here. We might move her before then" Irene said, placing Ainsley back in her little bed. "I won't be here until 8. Karen will be taking my place for the night," she told them. "Come on over now and kiss your girl goodnight, and make sure you try to sleep. She needs you both healthy."
"We'll try" said Mac as she walked to the baby's bed and leaned down to place a kiss on the sleeping girl's cheek. "Mommy loves you, precious. Sleep well."
Harm leaned over after Mac. "You be a good girl for Karen" he told her. "Daddy loves you. We'll see you soon." He placed a kiss on the forehead.
"Goodnight" said Mac quietly to Karen as they prepared to head home for the night.
Harm followed her out of the PICU. "I have to say I am kind of tired," he sighed and stretched a bit. "We didn't get much sleep last night."
"No, we didn't" she replied, trying in vain to stifle a yawn. "Maybe we can make up for it tonight, get a fresh start in the morning. This was not the way I planned to spend tonight; I know that goes for you, too, babe."
"I hope so" he sighed and reached around to rub his back. Then he chuckled a bit, "At least I didn't have to explain my wrist to my mother yet."
"Oh, don't think you won't get that blessed opportunity, flyboy" laughed Mac. "This has had us all distracted, but since she's doing so much better these past few hours, I'm sure things that went unnoticed before won't stay unnoticed much longer."
"Great" he sighed. "Do you think Mom and Frank are still here?"
"I'm sure they are" replied Mac. "You probably should have come down at some point and let them know what was going on, we didn't really think about that."
"I was where I was needed. I like to think she needed me anyway" he sighed. "That you needed me."
"I did" said Mac, slipping her hand into his. "She did, too. You were our rock tonight, I hope you know that."
"I know that" he sighed. "It's not always easy though," he admitted. "I was scared to death today. She looked so helpless."
"I know, sweetie" said Mac. "She's so much better now, though. We've only been here for 3 hours and 52 minutes, and look at the progress she made."
"I think...I'd like to think we had something to do with that" he sighed. "Let's check the cafeteria for Frank and my Mom. Then I'm going to need my wife."
"I'm here, babe" she said, wrapping her arm around his waist. "However you need me, I'm here."
"I'm going to need a massage" he sighed, "and a little cuddling wouldn't hurt either of us."
"Okay" she said softly as they neared the elevator doors. "Your back still hurts, doesn't it?"
"Very much so" he replied. "That rocking chair is not great on bad backs." He punched the button to call the lift.
"Neither is all this stress" added Mac, gently rubbing his lower back.
He let out a light moan, "That's nice, Honey. Thank you." He stepped away as the elevator arrived.
"Think they're still in there?" asked Mac as they stepped on board. "The cafeteria may be closed, it's awfully late."
"I think it's open around the clock," he replied. "At least it should be. People get sick around the clock, don't they?"
"They do" said Mac, "but in some hospitals they only have the cafeteria open certain hours. We'll find out though, and if they're not still in there, they're bound to be around someplace."
"Mm-hmm" said Harm as the elevator reached the bottom floor and the doors opened. They walked hand-in-hand to the cafeteria, and though it was still open, Frank and Trish were no where in sight.
"Guess they're in the waiting area" said Harm. "I know they wouldn't have left without talking to us first."
"Nope, no a chance of that" replied Mac. "Speaking of talking to us, I know I have to talk to your mom and I promise I will, but please let me do it when I feel I'm ready, you know, after I'm rested up and all."
"Sure" he said as they walked back to the elevator. "All I'll ask is that you don't wait too long to at least let her know you'll have a talk with her later on. She feels so bad about this."
Mac nodded. "I know. I'll take care of it, sweetie. Right now, though, let's find them and give them the final word of the night so we can all go get some sleep."
They returned to the waiting area down the hall from Ainsley's room, and spotted her grandparents on a couch in the corner. Trish was staring at a magazine, which Harm knew she wasn't reading, and Frank was gazing up at the TV.
"Mom" said Harm quietly, not wanting to startle her.
"Oh, Harmon" she said upon realizing he was there, "how's Ainsley? Are you staying here with her tonight?"
"She's getting better by the minute" he replied as enthusiastically as he could as tired as he was. "We could stay, but we decided we'll go home, get a good night's sleep and come back first thing in the morning."
Trish nodded. "That sounds like a good idea" she said, "I know you both have to be completely beat after the day you put in.
"Yeah" he sighed. "I really need to get her to bed. She's more tired than I am, and that's saying something."
"All our stuff is still at your place" said Trish, "but we can grab it real quick and head for a hotel."
"That's not necessary Mom. You can stay, just like you were going to originally when we weren't coming home until Saturday. You want to follow us home?"
Trish looked over at her husband, who nodded in reply to Harm's question as he rose from his seat.
Harm took Mac's elbow and started to lead her to their car, with Trish and Frank close behind them. When they reached the vehicle, he opened her door and helped her inside. "We'll be home soon, Honey."
"Thankfully" she replied, exhaling a deep, tired breath. "Your back still hurting like it was?"
"Getting worse" he replied. "The weather's colder here. I'll be okay. I have a relaxant."
"Oh, is that what I am now" she asked through an amused yawn, "a relaxant?"
"I meant a pill, baby" he smiled. "But you are definitely better."
"I'd like to think so" she said. "Your wrist hurt much anymore, or no?"
"Not as much. Damned thing is starting to itch" he sighed.
"It's healing" said Mac, resting her weary head against the back of her seat. "We need to change the bandage when we get home, don't let me forget."
"I'll do that myself" he told her. "You need to rest. You're so exhausted."
"I can do it, sweetie" she said, reaching over to take his hand as he drove. "I'm not that tired."
"We'll see" he sighed. "How are you holding up?" he asked. "I don't want a Marine answer. I want a Mac answer."
Mac was quiet for a few moments. "I'm doing the best I can" she said, "but I'll admit that I've had a few weak moments tonight." She caressed the back of his hand with her thumb.
"You and me both" he sighed. "Is it wrong of me to want nothing more than to go home and lie in bed with my arms around you until I can be with my little girl again?"
"I don't think that's wrong at all, babe" she said. "It sounds awfully nice to me."
They rode the rest of the way in companionable silence, pulling into their driveway minutes before Trish and Frank.
Hand in hand they walked into the house and surveyed the mess once again. There were burp cloths stained with spit-up about the couch, and on the coffee table sat a half-full bottle of formula. They hadn't noticed any of that before.
"I'll get this" he said to Mac, "you go get ready for bed, okay?"
Mac reached out and picked up the bottle of formula. She was holding it when Trish walked in with Frank.
Harm reached over and took the bottle from his wife, knowing if she held onto it, the stage would be set for a conversation Mac wasn't quite ready to have with her mother-in-law. "Go on, sweetie" he said, "go find some pj's, I'll bring the suitcases in from the car in a few minutes."
Mac turned to him and nodded. With a quick goodnight in Trish and Frank's direction, she retreated to the safety of their bedroom.
"She's still mad at me" said Trish as Frank went back out to their car to grab a few things they'd forgotten to bring inside.
"Yeah" he sighed. "Give her time, Mom. She's been..." he lowered his voice, "abnormally emotional recently."
"That's understandable" said Trish, "a lot has changed in her life in the last few months, the last few days even. Ten days ago, she wasn't anyone's wife, you know? She's had a lot come at her lately, and I know this didn't help anything."
"A lot has changed for her, Mom" he agreed. "You don't know the half of it. I better get this cleaned up so I can get to her. She'll need me."
"Of course" replied his mother. "Don't worry about us tomorrow. You two just go about whatever you need to do for Ainsley, and we'll get ourselves up and taken care of."
"Okay, Mom" he told her, leaning over to kiss her forehead. "I love you, and I know this was just an accident. Don't worry about it too much, okay?"
"Easier said than done, son" she said, "but I'll try. Sleep well."
"You too, Mom" he replied and turned to go to his wife.
"Hey" said Mac when he entered their bedroom. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah" he sighed. "My Mom is still pretty upset about what happened but other than that."
"I'm sure she is upset" said Mac as she finally found a set of pajamas in the dresser. "Did you get the suitcases?"
"Nope" he sighed. "I forgot. I'll get them in the morning," he sighed and sat on their bed to remove his shoes.
"All our toiletries are in them, though" she said. "I can go grab them if you don't want to."
"What toiletries will we need before morning?" he asked.
"Toothbrushes, toothpaste, the bandages for your wrist" she listed, "and I think my pump might still be out there. I thought I brought it in when we first got home but I don't see it."
"Fine" he sighed. "I'll get the suitcases."
"I can get them if..." she offered, knowing his back was hurting him.
"No, it's okay" he sighed. "I'll get them. Finish changing."
"Alright" she sighed. "When you get back, I'm giving you that massage, okay? I can tell by your walk that you're in pain."
"Don't worry about it, babe" he said. "Just lie down and rest. Our little one needs you well-rested and good to go in the morning, and I need you and my Mom to talk this thing out. It's really upsetting her."
"I don't want to forget about it, Harm" she said, folding the covers down on their bed. "You said you needed a massage when we got home and I promised I'd give it to you. As for talking to your mother, please, just let me take the lead on that one. Please." Her tone was calm but firm, she didn't want to go there tonight. She just wanted to be with her husband after a very stressful day.
"Mac" he sighed moving towards their bedroom door. "Sooner rather than later, okay?"
"If I'm ready sooner rather than later" she said, "sure, but please don't keep bringing this up tonight. I'm not exactly thrilled that she's still in the house, but I can deal with that if you'll accept my word that I'll have a nice, long heart-to-heart with her sometime soon."
"Understood" he said, and left to get their bags.
He returned a few minutes later, suitcases in hand. "Here you go" he said wearily. "Which one has my bandages in it?"
"The smaller one" she replied. "Do you want me to change them first or do the massage?"
"Massage would probably be best" he answered, the ache in his back screaming at him.
"All right" she sighed. "Strip."
He undressed down to his boxers, leaving his clothes in a pile on the floor, and carefully slid into bed and laid on his stomach. Mac had to rummage through the smaller suitcase to find her vanilla lotion, but thankfully that didn't take her long.
"Where is it the worst?" she asked him.
"Same as before" he mumbled, his voice trapped in his pillow. "Lower right."
Mac placed her hands on the sore area of his back and moved in slow soothing circles. "How's that? Too hard? Too light?"
"Mmmm...just right" he sighed.
"It feels tighter than last night. Is it?" she asked pressing harder.
"Yeah" he replied. "Been twisting like a cork screw all evening long."
"And the stress of this situation isn't helping much either, is it?" she asked.
"Not hardly" he answered, voice still hiding partway inside the pillow. "Neither is ...never mind."
"No, finish your thought," she asked him. "Neither is what?"
He moved his head to the right so she could hear him clearly. "Sweetie, I really need for you to talk to my mom about this situation, but you're not willing to do that yet and it leaves me caught in the middle."
"You don't have to feel caught in the middle" she replied, "unless you choose to feel that way."
"What do you mean?" he asked her, his tone calm and controlled. "How am I not caught in the middle?"
"You seem more worried about your mother's feelings than your wife's" she answered, momentarily ceasing the massage. "You're putting yourself in the middle."
"I'm not worried about her more than you" he defended, his voice still even and in control. "Not at all. I am worried about her, though, and I'm worried about how you'll feel towards her from now on. I just think the longer you go without at least saying something to her more than a generic 'goodnight', the harder it's gonna be on all of us, and that will work down to the baby because she can sense when we're tense, you know she can."
"Believe me, Harm" she said, "you don't really want to hear what I have to say to her, not right now anyway."
He rolled over and sat up to face her. "Actually" he said, "I do. I mean, I know this has all happened so fast and we haven't had a moment to just sit down together and take it all in, but I really would like to know what you want to say to my mom."
"Well, first I'd like to tell her that she is never going to baby sit Ainsley again, and I mean that Harm," Mac bit out. "Then...I...would tell her that there is no good excuse for what she did."
"Try and remember, though" he said, "she didn't intentionally do anything wrong. I was as angry as you are when I talked to her this evening at the hospital, and I was ready to really lay into her for what happened, but the more she explained, the more I was able to see it was just a mistake - a big one on several levels - but just a mistake."
"Our baby girl is lying in the ICU in a hospital, Harm" Mac said. "There is only one reason for that and its that your mother didn't call us, she decided to do everything like she did with you and it didn't go well. I'm not going to let her do that with our daughter" Mac declared. "And if you're going to take her side, I'm afraid I can't support you on that." She sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed, grabbing the bottle of lotion and heading to put it away.
"Mac, please wait" he said, hopping off the bed and reaching out to her. He gently took hold of her arm and turned her toward himself. "Please, babe, sit and talk to me. I don't want this situation to cause any more difficulty than it has to. We just spent one of the best weeks of our lives together, and we came home to complete chaos and I know that's not fair, but these are the kinds of situations we have to deal with and work through as parents. Let's sit down and talk this out" he asked, his blue eyes looking directly into her brown ones. "We'll both sleep a lot better if we do."
Mac hesitated but conceded. "Alright" she replied as she sat upon the edge of the bed. "It's just...I am just so angry. I've never been this angry in my whole life, not even at my father. If Ainsley...if what we saw when we got there was better, what was it like before? How close did we really come to losing our little girl? If anything had happened to her..." She sank down on the bed; shoulders slumped over in exhaustion and pain.
He sat beside her and wrapped his arm around her back. "I know what you mean" he said. "That's exactly what I was feeling when we saw Ainsley when we first got there. I was so angry at my mom for not calling us about the formula, for not calling us when they got to the hospital, which I'm still not sure why that was, for what happened to the baby - I was furious, and I sat down with her in that waiting room fully intending to let her have it."
"But you didn't do that, Harm and you should have" Mac declared. "You are supposed to protect Ainsley, you are her father, it's your job to make sure no one hurts her and if they do it is your job to make sure they pay for it."
"We can't protect her from everything" he sighed. "I understand what you're saying, because again, I felt that same way, still do for the most part, that I'd failed to keep my little girl safe. I'm plenty angry with my mom over this whole thing, please don't think for a moment that I'm not, but I didn't see how tearing her to shreds would help the situation any."
Mac sighed a moment then wiggled around so she could look at him. "So what did you say to her then? Does she even know how angry I am, how angry you say you are? Or does she think that this was all some accident like breaking a crystal vase or something you can fix with 'I'm sorry'? Please, tell me, what did you say to your mother? Please tell me that you stood up for us, for me and Ainsley." She held his gaze with doe brown eyes, shining with anger and tears.
"She knows how angry we both are" he replied. "I told her that this isn't something that any amount of 'I'm sorry' can fix, although she certainly needed to say it anyway, and she did, several times over. I told her that she was wrong to assume that A. - running out of milk yesterday morning didn't warrant a phone call to us, and B. - that the formula was okay to use since it was in the cupboard and it'd only be to hold her until we got back. You and I should have been the ones to decide what to do yesterday morning, and we weren't given that opportunity and that wasn't right. She knows that now, I made sure of it. She feels terrible, Mac, I promise you she does. She said she loves all 3 of us so much and she'd never do anything if she knew it would hurt any of us, and you know that's true. Even as mad as you are at her, you know that's true."
She nodded, "I do, but I can't get past what I saw in that room. I can't get past holding my baby, calling to her and having her just lie there and not move. I can't get past the tubes and the wires, and I can't get past how this whole situation would have been avoided if ..." She stopped and turned her back to him, not believing what had nearly come out of her mouth.
He tenderly grasped her shoulders, turning her body back in his direction. "If what, babe?" he asked calmly.
Mac hesitated and studied the floor of their room. She didn't regret going on their honeymoon, honestly she didn't, but she couldn't get past thinking about how different things would be if they hadn't gone. She lifted her head and looked at Harm's face. She didn't have to speak, her eyes said it all.
"Mac..." he said, his hand taking a hold of hers. "Do you...blame me for this, for us being gone last week?"
"I don't..." she began the stopped to swallow the tears that were building. "I don't know, part of me does but we needed that time together, I know that. But, damn it Harm, we were off having fun, making love on the beach, and our little girl was here and got sick because we were gone. I know better than to blame you but….I think maybe a part of me does."
"You said it, though" he replied, maintaining a hold of her hand, "we needed that time together last week. Yes, I planned the trip because that was one of my responsibilities as your husband, but we can't sit here and say what happened with the baby was because we were gone. Alright, okay, if we were home it wouldn't have happened, I get all that, but to say we were wrong to go away last week and celebrate our marriage, we can't do that to ourselves. We can be upset about any number of things surrounding this situation, but we can't blame ourselves or each other for any of it. Things just happened as they happened."
"Harm, you don't understand," she softly cried. "You don't understand."
"Let me see" he said, "the baby got sick at the hands of my mother, and you feel more guilty than you've ever felt in your life for not being here to keep that from happening because you and I were halfway across the country having fun instead of being here with her. You know we needed and deserved that time away from life here, but you're kicking yourself for feeling that way because you feel like its wrong of you to be glad for what we got to do last week. To sum it up, you feel like the worst parent in the universe and your mind keeps spinning a million 'if only' and 'what if' yarns. Am I right?"
She met his probing gaze, tears spilling out of her eyes, "Maybe you do understand on some level but...Harm, I...I know what its like to wake up one morning and not have a mother. Intentionally or not, I put my baby in danger when I left her. I swore to myself if we ever were lucky enough to have our baby that I would be better than that, I'd be the best mother ever, and look, she's barely four months old and already I..." She couldn't finish the thought.
He got up from the bed and knelt in front of her. He placed a gentle hand on her chin, lifting her head up from the downward focus it had on the floor. "You are an amazing mother, Mac. Never in my life have I known a woman who loved her child more than you love ours, and I mean that. You weren't selfish last week. You know we both needed that time together, away from everything and everyone here, including Ainsley. It doesn't mean we don't love her, but one of the best things we can do for her, because we love her so much, is make sure the relationship we have with one another is a strong as it can be. That's what last week was all about, strengthening our relationship, our marriage. I'm so sorry for what happened, and I'm sorry that you're feeling like a bad mother, but I'm here to tell you that's just not true."
With tears falling from her eyes, she asked, "How do you always do that, say all the right things like that? God, Harm I just want her to okay. I just want her here with me, with us, and I want..." She sniffed a bit and took a steadying breath.
"Come here, babe" he said, standing up and bringing her with him. He held her tight, rubbing her back as she softly cried on his shoulder. "I love you so much."
"Can you..." She sniffed again. "Can you do something for me?" she asked him.
"Sure" he whispered, still holding her close.
"Hold me tighter?" she replied, her voice a timid whisper.
With a soft smile, he did just that. "Better?" he asked.
She nodded and laid her head against his chest for a few more minutes until she composed herself. Then she pulled back and looked up at him. "Thank you. I needed that. And I promise I will talk to your mother soon, I just don't know exactly when."
"I'm sorry I kept pushing you on that, babe" he said. "I'll let mom know in the morning that you'll go to her when you're ready, but until then she can stop worrying that you hate her. You didn't really mean that she can never keep the baby again, did you?"
"At the moment, I do, Harm" Mac replied. "I just need some time."
"I understand" he said, leaning in to give her a kiss. "Speaking of time, we don't have a whole lot of it left for sleeping tonight, so we should probably get what we can get. Morning will come pretty early."
"I never finished your massage and you're still in pain," she sighed. "And I never changed your bandage."
"Its okay" he said, "at this point, we'll be back up in a few hours, we can do the bandage then."
"But what about your back?" she asked him. "I can rub it for you until you fall asleep if you want me to."
"That would be wonderful" he said as a yawn came over him. He looked into her eyes once more. "God, I love you, Mac."
"I love you, too" she whispered, leaning up to kiss him tenderly. When they broke apart she smiled at him, "Now lie down and let me finish what I started before I got all crazy. You earned this."
He slid back into the bed and lay on his stomach. Within minutes, Mac heard him begin to snore.
They awakened early the next morning, before 6:00. Mac was the first to get out of bed, knowing the minute she woke up that she wasn't going to get back to sleep. She was too excited about getting back to the hospital and seeing Ainsley, feeling in her heart that the report from the overnight nurse would be great. By the time she finished her shower, Harm was already in the kitchen making breakfast.
"Good morning, babe" he said as Mac walked into the kitchen, hair still wet, feet still bare.
"I hope so" she replied. "I think so. What's for breakfast?"
"French toast and scrambled eggs" he answered. "Breakfast of champions."
"You are very adventurous this morning" she replied. "Is there juice?"
"Yeah, I think so" he said, checking the fridge. "Orange and apple, which would you like?"
"Apple" she replied. "I'm afraid the orange may upset my stomach."
"Nervous, aren't you?" he asked, knowing the answer.
"Nervous, but not scared" she replied. "I have a very good feeling about seeing her today. I can't wait to hold her, I just know she's going to be alert and maybe she'll smile..." Mac was gushing.
He walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her. "You're right" he said, "today is going to be a great day with her. She did so well the little bit we were with her last night, this morning should be terrific."
"When do you think we can go?" she asked anxiously. "I want to hear how she did."
"After we eat and I shower" replied Harm. "It's not even 7:00 yet, babe, we'll be there plenty early, don't worry."
"Well hurry up" she told him. "I can't wait. She'll do better if we're there..." She grew quiet and her face fell.
He set the plates of food on the bar and handed Mac a fork. "What? What's wrong?"
"What if she's awake already?" Mac asked. "What if she's awake and scared?"
He'd thought about those things himself, but did his best to focus on more pleasant notions. "If she's awake, she won't be by herself. Irene or someone will be right there with her, making sure she's okay. I know it's easy to worry about her, but let's try not to. Let's eat up and get ready and get over there so we can be the ones to sit with her and hold her, and make sure she's okay."
Mac looked at the food. "I'm not sure I can eat all this, I'm too...you know, too everything." Still she took a piece of French toast.
"Just eat what you feel you can, babe" he said. "It's okay if you're not really hungry. I'm not all that hungry myself."
They ate most of their meals in silence, Harm checking the clock every two or three minutes until he heard Mac laugh.
"What?" he asked with a smile.
"If need to know the time you can ask me, you look funny with your head going back and forth like that" she replied with a warm smile.
He chuckled a bit. "I didn't even realize I was doing that."
"Well you are, now its 0634, get your six in the shower while I pump a bottle out to stick in the freezer. I want to go and see our baby" she told him.
A few minutes after Harm had headed for the shower; his mom came downstairs from the guest room and joined Mac, who was still trying to find the desire to eat the rest of her breakfast.
Mac looked up at her mother-in-law, but didn't say anything.
"Mac" said Trish apprehensively. "I know you're upset with me, but may I please say something?"
"Alright" she replied and turned to look at Trish, arms crossed over her chest.
"I'm incredibly sorry about everything that happened with the baby" she said. "Harm made me realize that I did a number of things wrong, and I feel terrible about it. I know you and I need to talk this through, but I also know that I need to let you take the lead on that. Just know that whenever you feel you'd like to talk, I'm ready."
"I don't know when that will be Trish" Mac told her. "But I know that it needs to be done, if only for Harm's sake."
She nodded. "I think it needs to be done for everyone's sake, but especially Harm and Ainsley. They're the ones who'd feel it the most if this caused a long-term issue between you and me."
"I'm still not sure it won't," Mac told her honestly. "But I'm willing, once I've had a chance to calm down, to discuss it and try to repair it. Just not now."
"I understand" said Trish. "You need a little time and space, and I'll be happy to give it to you; as much as you need. Just know that you can come to me at any time once you feel up to it, okay?"
"Alright" Mac agreed. "If you'll excuse me I have to finish getting ready so I can go see my baby."
"Of course" said Trish, feeling good that she and Mac agreed that they needed to talk about things eventually. "I'll start some coffee. Should I put the rest of this food away or does Harm still need to eat?"
"He's eaten as much as he can, I think" she replied. "He's still...He's more upset than he's letting on."
Trish nodded. "I know he is. I'll talk with him some more after awhile. He needs some space as well and you both need to focus your attention on the baby right now anyway." She reached into the drawer to find the plastic wrap.
Mac moved towards the entrance to their room then stopped and turned to face her mother-in-law. "For the record, I'm not nearly as angry about what this did to me as I am about what this has done to Ainsley and to Harm. If either of them is hurt in anyway that cannot be repaired, ever, I will not be forgiving the person or persons who hurt them, no matter what their intentions." With those calm yet caustic words, Mac left to get dressed.
Harm was finished showering when Mac reached their bedroom. He was standing in front of their dresser in a pair of faded Levis, staring at a picture of Ainsley. It was one of his favorites, one of her in the sunflower dress and the headband to match. She'd just really begun smiling purposely around the time that was taken, and he remembered standing behind the photographer and talking to the baby to make her smile. He looked at the picture and knew that smile, that exact one captured for all eternity, was from Ainsley to her daddy.
Mac froze when saw him. She couldn't see which picture he was holding from the angle she was at, but she could see his shoulders deflate as he stared, and she could feel the anguish and the fear he was feeling as he studied their daughter's face. She wanted nothing more than to make those feelings go away. She closed the space between them quickly and slipped her arms around his middle, pressing her cheek to his back. "She's going to be okay" she told him. "It's all going to be okay."
"I know" he replied as he held the picture in his hands. "It's hard, though. For most of my adult life, there were days when the idea of ever having children seemed unreal, you know? Now that I have her, it's...I never dreamed I could love someone like that. I just hate what happened, that's all. I know she's fine, I just hate to see anything bad ever happen to her."
"I know, babe" Mac replied squeezing tighter. "But things are going to happen. She might fall off her bike and break her wrist like I did. She might get rejected by a classmate, and I know she'll get her heart broken by a boyfriend because that happens to the best of us. We just have to be there for her and for each other and in that, I think I owe you an apology." She placed a kiss against his spine.
"Don't worry about me, Mac" he said, reaching a hand up to touch hers, which were still around his body. "I'm not happy about any of this, but she's okay and we're okay and that's what matters."
"I know, but don't tell me not to worry about you" she gently scolded. "I'm your wife and that's part of the job description."
He smiled. "Point taken, babe. You can worry about me if you'd like, but can you do it while we finish getting ready? I wanna go see my girl."
"I'll be ready in five minutes" she replied with a final squeeze and kiss to the smooth skin of his back.
"Five minutes? You sure about that, Mac?" he asked playfully. "I don't know any woman who can get ready to go anywhere in anything under a half hour."
"Hey, Marine over here" she reminded him as she pulled her hair back in a clip. "You take longer to get ready than I do."
"And what are you basing this on, pray tell?" he replied. "I can take a shower, dress and do my hair in ten flat. I'm just not sure you can compete with that kind of precision, that kind of organization, that kind of-"
"Crap!" she finished for him with a laugh and a smile. "Harm, I've seen you fiddle with you the front of your hair for ten minutes!" she exclaimed.
"When?" he laughed. "There's not much I can do with my hair, Mac - a little gel, little combing, boom - done!"
"Unless that tiny little piece in the front decides to stand up, then its 'gel, pull, swear, water, comb, more gel, another swear...' Shall I go on flyboy?" She sat on the bed and put on her socks.
"No, you shall not" he answered, walking over to the bed and leaning in for a kiss. "You shouldn't pick on a guy and his hair" he said. "It's not nice" he added with a wink.
"Well neither is telling a Marine that she cannot get ready in less than five minutes" Mac replied, tying the laces on one tennis shoe. "Because that" she said, tying her remaining shoelace, "is what this Marine just did."
"You're totally ready to walk out the door?" he asked as he flipped through the shirts on his side of the closet. "Did you make her a bottle?"
"While you showered," she replied. "Oh and I talked briefly with your mother."
"How'd that go?" he asked, pulling a 3-tone blue sweater over his head.
"Alright, I guess" Mac replied. "I told her that I would talk to her when I'm ready and..." She bent her head a bit slightly ashamed of her last words to Trish. "And I told her that I was more angry with her about how this affected you and Ainsley rather than me, and then I really did it...I told her if there was any offense that ever caused either you or the baby irrevocable hurt, I wouldn't forgive the person responsible for it. I know I shouldn't have said that but..."
"No, you shouldn't have" he agreed gently. "Would you feel better if you apologized before we left? I know how you can be when something like that follows you around all day, and today is supposed to be happy. Besides, you don't want Ainsley sensing that you're upset."
"I'm not upset for saying it, I'm upset for..." She sighed. "For meaning it."
He took her into his arms and brought her close. "It's only been one day, Mac. Give yourself some time to settle down, and thing won't seem the way they do right now. In the end, the baby will be fine, that's what we need to spend our time thinking about, okay? I'll totally defer to you on when and what you want to talk to my mom about, but please try not to let this eat you alive. We've had too much happiness in our lives lately for that, agreed?"
"Agreed," she replied kissing the spot on his chest that her lips were closest to. "Ready yet Flyboy?"
"You bet" he said, grabbing his keys from atop the dresser. "Let's go."
A/N: I'll get chapter 71 up in a few days! Please take a second and let me know what you think of chapter 70 - I'd appreciate it greatly :)