disclaimer: All recognizable characters are owned by Marvel, except Jenny who is MINE! (though I have been known to share if you ask nicely.) I expect to make no money off this fic. Dammit.

pre-note: This story talks about the very end of chapter 14 and ch 15 of "Human and the Demon" but actually takes place sometime before ch17. Confused? Well, I'm actually posting this one a little bit early but it doesn't interfer with the part of 16 which you haven't read yet. After thinking about it, I felt that a more in-depth look into Kurt's thoughts after he and Jenny have their talk was needed and also after he found out about her 'problem'.

Contemplating The Future
by Dizi

I remember when I realized I wanted to marry Jenny, remember precisely the way my thoughts went.

I had watched her walk away from me and thought how well she knew me.

I am the kind of person who dwells on things. Not everyone understands that. Many from my past and my friends seem to think after we talk it's done, but it's not for me. I have to think about it, and Jenny understands this. After our discussion, she knew I'd want to take time to think about our words and our relationship.

This is something I had found myself doing many times since we met. Not just since we started seeing each other, but met. At that point in time, I was more aware of her strength than ever before. And more aware of my weakness, my selfishness.

Why did she need to go back to Harry's? I know why, and did when I told her how I felt. She is at home there and, whether she realizes it or not, she is with family. Even if it is only one man, to her he is family. I, who was abandoned as a baby, know what it is to have family who is not blood relations. It is many times a stronger bond, as it is with my adopted family and comrades-in-arms, the X-Men.

Even knowing this I asked her not to go back to someplace so integral to her. Yes, I was scared for her life, but more I wished to keep her close to me. Reasonable as this sounds, it was also selfish. I knew it before I spoke, knew it then, and I know it now.

Yet, in deference to my feelings, she had said she would do it. She would give up this place and this person because she loves me. Those were not her exact words, but I knew.

I am ashamed that I was tempted and almost asked it of her... but I couldn't.

She didn't mean to show me my selfishness, I am sure. She's not the kind to be mean. She didn't say those things to make me feel badly. But she was right to point out she worries about me too.

Being an X-man is dangerous. That is fact. Having lived in the mansion, Jenny is very aware of that. More so than I, it seems.

Just when I believed I knew her so well, I learned more about Jenny. I only wish she had told me sooner how scared for my life she is. Then again, she shouldn't have had to. I know she waits for me to call and tell her I'm home, that I am safe. The relief in her voice has always been there if I had listened. She didn't try to hide it. I simply didn't listen.

Jenny knows being an X-Man is part of me and she would never do what I did. If she were to ask me to change my life to the extent of leaving the team, I couldn't do it, because I wouldn't be the same man. She knows this because she knows me.

I know her just as well. Harry's is a part of her. She goes to her job happily each day rather than as a chore she must do. Yet, I said the words. I said I didn't want her to go back.

Because I am selfish while she is not.

But our talk had brought home to me that it was not that she was going back to Harry's which bothered me. It was not really the place nor that I worried about her - though I do. No, the underlying cause, what truly upset me, was and is her past.

Because it is always there. It never seems to go away. Every problem we have had and most of the pain in her life can be traced directly back to the traumatic events of her past, including the current one.

She has suffered in ways I will never be able to fully understand, no matter how open she is with me. She has almost died three times, actually dying once on Hank's operating table. She has been beaten, raped, and tortured, to put it mildly, and was still recovering from a new incident, when we had this talk.

The two weeks before had been hard. Seeing her in pain so much more than I thought I could bear. Jenny was on pain-killers but... the cure was sometimes worse than the problem. The medication stopped the pain but left her out of her right mind. She didn't know when her own actions were hurting her. I thought it had been hard to stop her from working before but it was nothing compared to this. I lost count of the times she tore her stitches. Then she would become tired and snuggle against me, but I was afraid to put my arms around her. And the nightmares... she tells me they were not as bad as before because I was with her - often on another bed in the med-lab as I did not want to leave her alone. If this is true, I have no words.

How could I not think of her past when it directly caused all of this?

But she was moving forward. Going back to work was a sign of this. Our conversation had made me realize I needed to do the same. I had to fully accept what was done to her and the effects it has had on her life. Perhaps even be somewhat grateful for that which brought her to me, but able to move beyond it. Only then could we fully go on with our lives into the future.

With that thought I could not help turning my mind towards Lacy, the woman Jenny shared her strength with. Most of the time, Lacy's only thought is that of her unborn son. She is a sweet woman who will be a wonderful mother.

Just by being here she gave us all hope. She didn't have to do anything, just be here. Though I do not believe she herself was the important factor, having a pregnant woman in the mansion reminds us why we fight. It is for our children and the future, and Lacy was a living symbol of that.

The future again... I kept coming back to it.

At that time, I had not stopped recently to consider my future specifically, ours. In general perhaps and reviewed our past, mine and Jenny's, but not the future. The only things that entered my mind while I did so, at that moment, were the cliches that everyone has heard hundreds of times before. They are cliches for a reason; they are quite often both true and universal.

All I could see in my future was Jenny. That was all I could picture. I suppose I had felt that way for some time and never put my finger on it. But I cannot imagine my future without her, and ... I don't want to, refuse to do so.

Not long before, I had wondered if I really loved Jenny. Right then I knew. I love her to the point of pure selfishness, and she loves me unselfishly.

Was Lacy and her unborn child the catalyst or seeing Jenny suffer? Or our discussion about important parts of ourselves and our lives? I didn't know, possibly all of them, but I want her with all that I am. As macho and male as it might sound, I want her to be mine. I want her at my side, in my bed, in my life.

To have her be mine in every way possible was suddenly the most urgent feeling I have ever experienced. To watch her grow old, to see her with my child in her arms, to see her wake every morning and go to sleep every night, I could picture so clearly how it could be.

How it WILL be, because I know this is right. This is what we have been going towards. A life spent together, joined together.

I want to marry her! The strength of the realization ran through me like the warmth of the sun after a cold rain, natural, comfortable, inevitable.

Had I ever had doubts about us? If so they were gone, replaced by thoughts of our more immediate future.

As much as I would like to be married in the Church, I know Jenny would feel it would taint our union. She respects my beliefs but I cannot ask it of her knowing how she feels. We would have to discuss it. Eventually we will.

I know all our friends will be there. I had intended to ask Logan to be my best man; he has since agreed.

Who will Jenny choose to be maid of honor?

Will she ask Hank to walk her down the aisle to me?

Should it be a large wedding or small? To have all of the X-Men, past and present, it would have to be a large one.

I had to find a ring! I don't know anything about jewellry and wondered who to ask.

Jumping to my feet I ran from the room. I had to speak to my friends. I had to have everything perfect when I asked her to be my wife.

Remembering now, I was so happy and enthusiastic. I spoke to everyone in the mansion about it, all our friends. Everyone but Jenny.

Wanting to remind her of how we met, I immediately thought of a barbeque. As it was winter, I didn't expect the idea to be well received. However, I underestimated Scott's enthusiasm for grilling and he volunteered as soon as the idea was voiced, actually before I finished speaking.

Though Jenny has a soft spot for white roses because Remy gave them to her both times she was hurt, she doesn't really have a favorite flower. She is happy for whatever kind I give her whether it is daisies or orchids. So when I asked Ororo what kind might be best for the occasion, she just smiled, saying she would take care of it.

All the ladies offered to go ring shopping with me. Though Betsy suggested waiting until after proposing so Jenny could pick-out what she liked, I dismissed the idea as I wanted a ring on her finger as soon as possible. It helped that Jean said Jenny probably would ask for help too so would get the same input. When they all started talking about a joint shopping expedition, I panicked and ran. I hadn't bargained for that and was pretty sure, even if I was willing to risk my sanity in that manner, Jenny would get suspicious if they all went shopping with me without inviting her.

Remy was my saving grace. How could I turn down the expertise of a master thief? He also knew what Jenny liked because he picked out her furniture and most of the decorations in her home, which I completely approved of. They seem to fit us both, so I knew I could trust his judgement.

He took me several places but I think the last was what he had in mind all along. He said I needed to see a variety to know it was the right one and assured me it would fit her perfectly so would not need to be sized.

All this in two days. I can move quickly after making a decision, especially one I knew was so right. The whole time I was mired in my dreams of our future.

I had spent a lot of time with Lacy by then. She also was very enthusiastic about my plans. Unknowingly, she contributed to my dreams, my visions of our future life.

How would it be to see Jenny waddle along as Lacy does? To know it is my child under her heart? To see our child in her arms? Would our child have her brown eyes or my yellow? Be human or mutant? Blue fur or creamy white skin? Boy or girl? One of each? More? I would like to have a large family.

We had never discussed such things but I know the kind of parents we will be. I know she will be the strong one and I the one to give in to tears. She the one to make them do homework and chores while I support her decisions with "Your mother has said..."

I could see it all. I still can... just not in the same way.

To say I wasn't nervous when I proposed to her would be a lie. Though I was confident of her answer, no man is completely calm when they ask woman to marry them. I knew she loves me, but it is a major life change. For the better, but still a major change.

I had rehearsed over and over what I would say, each time differently. I didn't want to just blurt out the words. I wanted them to be special. I wanted her to know I meant forever and for her to see the possibilities as I did. I wanted... I just wanted her to marry me. I still do.

The way she smiled at me when I stood, I thought she had guessed what I was going to say. But then her face went blank and we all knew she was surprised, which is what I wanted. I didn't know exactly what I was saying while she looked at me so intently. Oh, the jist of it, but I didn't have an exact speech just a basic plan and I was too busy watching her.

Her reaction to the ring was everything I had hoped for. We have a physical relationship. We have kissed many times, it's one of our favorite pastimes. But never before had she kissed me like that, with all her heart and soul, as though trying to pour all the love inside her into me through our joined lips. I assumed the tears were because she was overwhelmed by emotion. I was right, but it was the wrong emotion.

I wiped them away sure the kiss had been her answer to me.

Never would I have expected to see the pain in her eyes afterwards. Because I was so shocked by it I almost didn't hear her refuse me, couldn't move when she ran away. I'm not only a thinker but a man of action. I can move quickly and make split-second decisions in the heat of battle as necessary, fighting for what is right requires such abilities. But I couldn't move then.

Somewhere inside I heard the others talking, but I didn't really listen. I knew - know - she loves me, so why would asking her to marry me make her cry? Cause a pain worse than any I have seen after a nightmare? What was wrong with my Jenny? What had I said to make her feel that way?

It wasn't until the Professor suggested Logan help make it clear, that he might know what was wrong, that I was able to do what I should have immediately and teleported to her side where I belonged. Whatever it was I needed to make it better for her, not someone else, no matter how good a friend to us both.

My God, the way she cried and clung to me was unbelievable. What could I have done, have said, to cause this heartbreak when all I wanted was for us to be married?

It was a relief when Jenny fell asleep, still crying. I had been afraid she would make herself sick with the strength of her sobs. Unable to leave her and exhausted by our combined emotions, I also fell asleep once she stopped shaking in my arms.

It must have been a very sound sleep for me not to wake when she got up. I knew she was smoking when the cold air washed over me as she opened the balcony door. She only smoked in the past when the memories were extremely bad or when she drinks, neither of which had been often, but I knew she did it. I could have waited to talk to her, perhaps should have, but I needed to know, needed to help her.

It was so much worse than I expected. Not because her words ruined my plans or drove me away from her, they didn't. Not because she doesn't love me, it took hardly any effort to have her admit that. It was because of my own actions. I should have talked to her instead of simply making my plans, no matter how sure I was - and am - of her.

If I had asked her differently, spoken to her ahead of time, eased her into the idea of marriage, we would be married by now, or close to it.

I said it before, I'll say it again, and will always always know it's true. Her past has directly caused all her problems, both physical and emotional.

What right did they have to so hurt a young girl? To try so hard to destroy her? To leave her so vulnerable? Did I say she was strong before? Did I know it before? This brings it to a new level.

They hurt her so badly internally that she cannot have children. She had to have a hysterectomy. She will never have children of her own. I had seen the small scar but did not know it's significance until then.

Now because of the way I proposed - I am so stupid! - she has it in her mind that I must have children of my own, that it's important to me. She is very stubborn in this. I hadn't thought of our future until then, and she had been afraid to. My strong beloved Jenny was and is afraid. They did that to her, and so did I by not talking to her.

All these thoughts came later. I didn't have to think, I knew immediately what to say to her. I felt enraged for her, but it changed nothing. It wasn't children I was looking for but HER. Jenny. With me. Together. Always.

She doesn't believe it's enough, that she is enough, but she will. I am not giving up. It's going to take time and patience - a lot of patience - but we will be married.

I told her the ring and I will be waiting for her, and we are. I keep it with me always. Letting her know I am here and still waiting.

It has been more than a month - I said Jenny is stubborn - and Lacy will have her baby anytime.

I still picture our future. I still see children in it. Jenny will be a good mother. We can adopt, I was adopted and there are many children who need the love we have to share. It will again take time, but it will happen.

As soon as she says yes.

Until then I can wait however long it takes.

She is worth it, my Jenny.

note: Thought this might help clarify Jenny's feelings as well as Kurt's, it did for me anyway.When I did the last story it just seemed natural to continue to here. These events had to do with him just as much if not more than her. In many ways, I can sometimes picture these short-stories clearer than the main one. I have often tried to add these parts to the story but somehow they don't everseem to fit there. Anyway, I hope you liked it.

Elizabeth Robbins- Ever notice how good and nice people blame themselves when things go wrong? Especially when there is no way they could be at fault, they seem to find a reason to take responsibility.
Jinxeh- That's not the preps, that's the rich snobs. Don't you have someone who loves you enuf to take the coffee away? Otherwise there has to be a 12-step program somewhere.
xmenloganfan- Thank you! I'll tell you the reg type came first and I got to the end and thought "He's way too calm" and then came the rest in italics.
afreddiefan- Sorry, but I go back and forth between fun and heartwrenching. Little sweet with the sour kinda thing I got going there.
CaptainTish- And now you have all the way to ch17 with Kurt's thoughts! Not sure if I'll do more pov or not. I like it but the right inspiration isn't always there. And ch16 will be posted later this week.
GothikStrawberry- The dish washing scene was inspired by the old diet Coke commercial where all the women line up to watch a guy doing manual labor while drinking a soda. My beta reminded me of it and I just had to use it. Hey, you know I can see them thinking that way. To never have to wash dishes again and be able to watch the guys at the same time... Wow.
MeadowLark4491- Thanks. You can join anytime, I don't mind. There isn't a time limit on when you can start reading. And reviewing. Mustn't forget there's no time limit on reviewing either. (BIG grin)

Thanks for reading and the support,
Dizi