Disclaimer: Not mine, sure wish they were...
A/N: Sorry it took so long, but ff dot net was in a mood, you know how it goes. Thanks to all who read and reviewed chapter 70, I really appreciate it. Another big hug to my buddy, my pal, my friend Lady Commish for her help with this chapter, including dialouge between various characters throughout. Love ya, girly:)
Chapter 71:
Harm decided for the mood of this journey, the Jazz station would be appropriate, so he tuned into that when as he drove to the hospital. Mac sat next to him, playing with her wedding band. He smiled as he peeked at her out of the corner of his eye, she was so beautiful with the variety of emotions crossing her face, everything from deliriously happy to downright scared. He knew how she felt because he felt the same way.
Mac was thankful that Harm chose to keep the conversation to a minimum on the way to the hospital, and thankful that the traffic flow was light, although it still seemed like an eternity before they finally arrived at the hospital parking lot.
"You think she'll be awake?" he asked her as they walked hand-in-hand through the automatic doors and towards the elevator.
"Probably" replied Mac. "She's always up by now at home, and until yesterday your mom said she'd stayed pretty close to her regular schedule, so it would actually surprise me if she wasn't awake. I guess though, if she was up a lot throughout the night, she might be asleep now."
"She wasn't, Mac" he said, squeezing her hand a bit. "I have a feeling she did great last night, and here in a minute or two, we'll get to see for ourselves." They stepped onto the elevator and pressed the button for the 4th floor.
As soon as Harm and Mac stepped off the elevator their questions were answered. Clear as day the both heard a baby's cry, their baby's cry. Mac looked at her husband, "That's Ainsley, but..." She looked towards the right, where her last cubicle had been.
"I bet she's done so well they moved her," Harm told her. "Let's go it sounds like our little one is very unhappy about something."
Hand in hand they quickly walked towards the sound of Ainsley's cry.
The crying got louder as they walked nearer to the room and Mac's grip on Harm's hand tightened. They approached the tiny room where the could see Irene was back on duty and Ainsley, still connected to her IV but looking a lot more alert was crying and flailing in her arms.
"Its okay, little one" Irene comforted. "Nurse Karen is calling mommy and daddy right now. Yes she is" she cooed as she snuggled the crying baby close.
"We're here" Mac announced as she entered the room only a step before Harm. "We're here." Her voice changed its tone as she approached her daughter, going softer, gentler. "Mommy's here, angel. Yes, she is." She looked at Irene. "Can I hold her?"
"Of course" replied Irene, handing Ainsley over to Mac.
"What's got her so upset this morning?" asked Harm. "Did she have a rough night?"
"Not at all" Irene replied. "She slept straight through until right before I came on shift. I think she misses you."
Mac cuddled Ainsley who was still crying but starting to settle down. "Mommy's got you, angel. It's alright now. We're here. We're here." She placed a tiny kiss on the baby's head.
"Has Dr. Cameron been in yet this morning?" asked Harm, leaning in to kiss Ainsley's head as well.
"He should be in soon. He's on ward, but he checks the PICU babies first" Irene replied. "She's done so well, they moved her to a regular room. How was your night?" Irene asked.
"Short" said Harm. "We got to sleep late and woke up early."
Just then Dr. Cameron arrived. "Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Rabb" he greeted. He moved to the baby. "Good morning, Ainsley. Or isn't it?" he looked at her face, screwed up in a frown, little eyes leaking tears.
"Let's see you and maybe we can get you something to eat, huh?" he asked. "Mrs. Rabb, will you put Ainsley down on her bed for me please."
Mac gently laid Ainsley down on her little crib mattress and stepped back, automatically clinging to Harm. "Dad, you and Mom might want to take a walk in a minute" he warned. "You didn't do so well last night when I had to get her blood."
"More blood work?" asked Harm. "I hope this will be the last time. Will it?"
"If her levels are back to normal, it should be" he replied. "Her levels from last night were at the low range of normal. We want them a bit higher" he said as he checked her temperature. "Temp is normal." He listened to her heart and lungs. "She sounds mad but healthy. Any guesses on what she's telling us there, Mom?" he asked Mac.
"She is mad, that's for sure" Mac replied. "And I'm almost certain she's hungry."
I'll bet" he replied. "She's better so she's feeling hungry." He cooed at bit at the baby. "You're little tummy doesn't hurt any more, does it?" he asked before inserting his gloved hand in her mouth to check her saliva. "She's doing really well" he announced after he completed the check. "I'm going to get her blood and put a rush on it. As soon as I see the results, I'll let you know if you can nurse her, okay? Do you want to stay?"
"We'll stay" said Harm. "At least, I will." He looked at Mac.
"I will, too" Mac replied. "She'll need us when he's done."
Irene moved to block Harm and Mac's view and to assist Dr. Cameron as he drew Ainsley's blood. Her worried parents couldn't tell when he stuck her by sight, but there was no doubt when by sound.
"All done" he proclaimed when he'd collected what he needed. "I'll put a rush on this, we should have the result within an hour. Would you like to give her a bottle of water while you're waiting. That won't hurt her."
"Yes" Mac replied. "At least she can suck on it, maybe that will calm her down."
Irene smiled. She knew there was almost no way that little baby was going to take a bottle after what had happened to her, but she'd have to be retrained some time. "Mom, why don't you have a seat in the rocker and I'll get you the bottle."
Mac sat in the rocking chair and waited impatiently for Irene to get the water bottle and hand her the baby.
Irene returned a moment later with a small bottle of purified water. "If you'll hold this for me sir" she said, holding the bottle out to Harm, "I'll get the baby."
"Sure" he replied, taking the bottle from her. She picked Ainsley up from the crib and handed her to Mac.
"Oh, shh baby girl" said Mac as Ainsley began to cry again. "Are you thirsty? You want a little drink? Hmm?"
"I'll take that now, Harm" said Irene, reaching out for the bottle. She took the cap off and replaced it with a sterilized nipple before handing it to Mac. "See what she thinks of it" said Irene.
"Here you go, sweetheart" cooed Mac as she placed the bottle to the baby's lips. Ainsley wanted no part of it, and instead stiffened her little body and turned her head away.
"Ainsley" said Harm, kneeling down beside the rocking chair, "calm down, love. It's okay. Try it again, babe" he said to Mac.
"She doesn't want it" replied Mac, as she held the bottle to the baby's lips once again, and once again Ainsley refused it.
"Here, hold that" she said, holding the bottle out to Harm. He took it from her and she repositioned Ainsley and held her closer and tighter. She baby immediately calmed down, her cries turning to whimpers and fusses.
"I thought she stopped fighting the bottle" Mac commented.
"Well, this isn't the same kind she has at home" said Harm, "but I think she might be refusing it because you have what she really wants and you're not giving it to her." He nodded towards the baby who had turned herself sideways in her mother's arms, the way she always laid when she was nursing.
"It could be a while before Dr. Cameron says its okay" she sighed. "And I want her to have something in her tummy, she's hungry."
"Well, I can try the bottle" offered Harm. "She probably won't take it for me either, but I can try."
In reply Mac rose from the rocker so Harm could sit. "She always took it from you easier than me anyway" she replied. "Give it a shot."
Harm sat down in the rocker and took his daughter in his arms. "Okay, beautiful" he said, "do you want this, or are we just making you mad here?" He held the bottle to her lips, and after refusing it at first, she gave it a few sucks before spitting it out and making her displeasure known.
"Try again" Mac urged. "She started to drink that time." She knelt down by the rocker and rubbed her baby's leg as it kicked. "Drink for daddy, angel. Mommy'll give you milk later, I promise."
"I don't think she's too fond of water, Mac" he replied as he tried to get the nipple back into Ainsley's mouth. When he finally succeeded, again, she took a couple swallows and decided she'd had enough.
"That's better than nothing, I suppose" Mac sighed and took the bottle away while Harm put Ainsley on his shoulder and began the process of calming the baby down.
"Maybe I should take her? Mac suggested. "Maybe she'll nuzzle with me and settle down."
"You sure, babe?" he asked her as he rocked the angry baby.
"I want to try" Mac replied. "She's so upset, poor baby."
"Yeah, she sure is" agreed Harm, standing up from the rocking chair to allow Mac to sit down. "Want her on your shoulder?"
"Let's see how she's most comfortable" Mac replied. "Let's try shoulder first."
He nodded and handed Mac their daughter. She maneuvered the baby around and held her upright, rubbing tiny circles against her back. "Ainsley" said Harm as he stood nearby, "please calm down, baby girl."
The baby did nothing if not cry even harder. Mac looked at Harm with a defeated look in her eyes. "She's so hungry, Harm. Listen, am I right?"
"I'm sure she is" he agreed. "She's also probably frustrated, cranky and ready to get out of this place. Think walking around would help any?"
Mac cooed to the baby. "Okay, baby. Its okay. Mommy's going cuddle you, would you like that?" she asked the baby, moving her from her shoulder to the crook of her arm.
"I dunno, babe" he said apprehensively. "She may not like you holding her that way..."
Ainsley quieted the minute Mac shifted her sideways and burrowed her face against her mother's breast, little mouth pursing so she could take her milk as soon as Mac made it available.
"That's mommy's good girl" Mac praised as the baby's cries diminished a notch.
"Wow" said Harm, "it worked; good job, babe."
Ainsley lay contented for a few minutes, little mouth fastening on Mac's shirt, pulling the material in as she suckled and Harm stroked her head. Once she realized, though, that all she was getting out of this arrangement was a mouth full of cotton, she let out the loudest wail of frustration and anger her parents had heard to date. Her entire body stiffened and went straight as both arms and legs flailed outward from her body.
At this Irene smiled sympathetically. "I'm going to go check on her blood work."
"Thank you" said Harm, speaking loudly enough to be heard over the baby. He turned to Mac. "Here, why don't I take her back and see how she does? She obviously doesn't like being this close to you and not eating, babe."
Mac's eyes had misted over as soon as Ainsley began to fight her hold, but she nodded and handed the child off to Harm.
"Hey, hey my love" said Harm as he brought the baby into his embrace. "Sshh, it's okay. I know, you want what you want when you want it; just like your daddy." He looked over at Mac, who smiled a faint smile as she wiped away a tear. "It won't be much longer, Mac. Hang in there; I know this is hard for you."
She nodded and smiled a bit as the baby quieted down some in Harm's embrace. He talked to her softly as he walked her in a short path back and forth. "At least she's got her strength back" Mac replied.
"No doubt about that" agreed Harm, pacing from one side of the room to the other in an effort to calm Ainsley's cries, which had lessened some but not ceased completely. "Hey baby girl" he said, moving the child from against his shoulder to cradle her next to his chest. "Here, will this help any?" he asked her as he rubbed his little finger against her lips.
The baby's tiny tongue explored this new stimulus and decided that it was better than nothing. She opened her lips and started to suck on her Daddy's finger until her screams were nothing more than dull whimpers and her flailing had still to nearly imperceptible squirms.
"Has she done that for you before?" asked Mac.
"Nope" he replied. "Maybe it's because she knows the only thing daddy can dispense is love. Right, baby girl?" he asked as her rocked her.
"She's happy for the moment, though" said Mac. "I hate knowing that she's so hungry though. I know she's getting the nutrients she needs from the IV, but she needs to eat."
Ainsley was content for a few more minutes with Harm's little finger, until she decided it not giving her what she desired, either. She bit down on his finger and started to evict it from her mouth with her tongue, then thought better of it.
Irene moved quickly down the hallway after being gone ten minutes. She could hear the Rabb baby, and hoped her news would please and comfort both parents and child.
"Good news, Mac" Irene said. "Her labs are back and everything looks great! You can feed her, if you're ready."
Mac's face broke out into and instant smile. "Really?"
"Really," Irene replied. "Why don't you set yourself down in the rocker and get ready for her. Then I'll give you and Dad a little privacy."
Mac sat down in the rocking chair and undid the buttons on her blouse, the fasteners on her nursing bra and pulled the blouse closed.
"Hey, baby girl" said Harm to the howling child in his arms. "Give daddy his finger back, and you can go to mommy and have what you really want, okay sweetie?" He took his finger from Ainsley's mouth, and she let her displeasure become known in very clear terms. "Here, babe" he said to Mac as he handed the baby over.
Mac reached her arms up to receive the child. She cradled her head in the crook of her arm then reached to pull aside her blouse. Before she did however, she was hit with an overwhelming fear that Ainsley may not want to nurse. She looked up at Harm with tears in her eyes, her face a mask of pure dread.
He knew what that look meant, and he knelt in front of the chair so he could see her face as he spoke to her. "Just try, Mac. It's okay."
Mac pulled her shirt aside and lifted her breast up so that Ainsley could latch on. "Come on, little one," she cooed. "Breakfast time."
Ainsley turned her head and stuck her little tongue out, then much to Mac's dismay, screwed up her face and let out another long wail, violently thrashing her hands and legs about once again as she did when she was unhappy about something being done to her.
The tears that had gathered in Mac's eyes fell when Ainsley refused to latch on to her. "You see" she said in a tortured whisper. "I told you she wouldn't want me and she doesn't."
"Hey, hey, it's okay" he said to her gently, his hand on her knee as he continued to kneel in front of the chair. "She's bound to be a little upset at first, and she might even be a bit confused since she hasn't done this in over a week, but she'll do it, Mac. Keep trying. I'm right here with you and I'm not leaving; we're in this together."
"Come on, Ainsley Rose" Mac cooed again through her sniffles. "Mommy knows you're hungry. Come on." She tried to help Ainsley latch on again, but once she squirmed and cried louder. "She really won't do it, Harm. I knew..."
"Do you want me to take her for a minute, see if you both can't maybe calm down a little bit?" he offered. "Might help."
Mac sniffled and in replied handed him the baby who immediately settled down in her father's strong arms.
"Take a few deep breaths and try to relax, babe" he said to Mac. "She can sense how uptight you are, and that's not helping any. And as for you, miss Ainsley Rose" he said to the baby, his voice soft and sweet, "you need to work with us here, baby girl. I mean, we know you're hungry; you know you're hungry, so if you'll settle in there next to mommy and chow down, everybody wins!" Ainsley looked into her daddy's face as he spoke, her tear-filled blue eyes hanging on his every word. He couldn't help but lean in and plant a kiss on her little nose.
"So" he continued after he kissed her, "I'm issuing my first order as your father. Here's what's gonna happen: I'm gonna hand you back to your mommy over there, and you're gonna settle down and eat like we all know you want to do, and then you'll feel so much better, which will make mommy feel better, which, of course, will make daddy feel better. See how this works?" Ainsley smiled at him, and he had no choice but to smile back. "I thought so."
Mac couldn't help but laugh at Harm's first attempt at lying down the law. "Harm, she's not going to listen to you. She's just a baby."
"She heard me" he answered with a grin. "You'll see. You ready for her?"
Mac nodded and prepared to receive her daughter from Harm as he walked back to her. "Remember what daddy told you" he said as he laid her in Mac's lap, and for the first time since she had been in the hospital, Ainsley laughed.
Mac took the baby from Harm and with apprehension tried again. She laid Ainsley in her arms and tilted the baby's head so she could latch onto her. This time the baby's tiny rosebud lips curled around Mac and she began to suckle greedily, making little grunting noises as she went along.
Harm looked down at Mac and Ainsley smiling, his blue eyes glowing as he took in the sight. "You see" he grinned. "I told you she'd listen to me." He leaned over but instead of kissing Ainsley's temple, he kissed Mac's. "This has to be the most beautiful sight I've ever seen."
Mac smiled and nodded as she tried unsuccessfully to hold back her joyous tears. "I've missed this so much."
"I know you have," he sympathized. "I think...in my own way, I've missed it just as much. There's something so right about it, you know?"
She nodded. "I do" she whispered. She looked down at Ainsley, who was still content as could be. "I think she missed it, too."
"She did" he replied. "I wish I had the camera right now. This is a moment I never want to forget for the rest of my life." He knelt beside the rocker and slipped his arm around Mac's shoulders.
With her daddy right beside her, Ainsley lay in Mac's arms and nursed until she drifted off to sleep. Mac couldn't help but cry a little bit. She'd been so worried about that first try after getting back home, which was complicated even further by the formula mishap and hospital stay, but in the end everything played out just as she dreamed it would.
A little past two in the afternoon, Ainsley had been fed again and had gotten a new diaper. Now she was again sleeping in her crib, tiny hand tucked under her chin. Irene had removed her IV line after she nursed the first time, and Dr. Cameron had visited again and told them that if Ainsley continued as she had been doing, she could go home the next day.
Now Harm and Mac sat together, eating tuna sandwiches he'd brought up from the cafeteria with gusto, considering they now had their appetites back. Neither had eaten much in the last day or so.
Harm was just finishing up his lunch when he heard Frank's voice in the hallway asking where Ainsley had been taken, and a softly accented voice referring him to the room where Harm currently sat with his wife.
Frank entered a moment later, followed by Trish who hung back behind her husband, apprehensive at the reception she'd receive.
Harm smiled a bit when he saw his mother and Frank walk into Ainsley's room. "Hi, Mom, Frank" he greeted as he worked his way back to Mac.
"Hi" replied Frank. "How's our little girl here?" he asked, peeking into Ainsley's crib.
"She's doing fine for now" Harm replied. "She's nursed twice, napped, and reminded me that diaper changes are not her favorite pastime. I'd say she's on the road to recovery."
"She sure is" agreed Frank. "Did they say when she may get to go home yet? I can't imagine they'd need to keep her here much longer as well as she's doing."
"They said that she can leave tomorrow morning if she keeps doing this well" Harm replied, his hand falling to Mac's shoulder. He felt the tension there, so he squeezed it to show her his silent support.
"Can we take her out of there?" Trish asked. "Could I hold her do you think?"
"Is she awake?" asked Mac, rising from her chair to look at the baby.
"No, she's sleeping" Trish replied.
"I'd rather not bother her" said Mac kindly. "She hasn't had a lot of uninterrupted sleep in the last few days. When she's awake, though, you can hold her." Mac was still sorting through her feelings about the entire situation, but she'd made a conscious effort to be warm and receptive towards her mother-in-law, for everyone's sake.
Harm smiled at Mac thankful that she was making an effort. "I don't think we've thanked you for hiring Irene to take care of Ainsley. She was wonderful with her and...we owe her a lot of thanks for Ainsley's progress."
"Don't think twice about it, son" said Frank. "We wanted her to have the best, and it sure looks like she got it."
"Um, Frank, Mom...I think since we've all calmed down some...well there's something that's been bothering me, and I guess Mac, since we've gotten here and...I understand why you didn't ask about changing her food, but once she started to get sick, why didn't either of you think to call us and tell us?"
"We tried" said Frank. "We called the hotel the night she got sick, right as we were leaving to come here, but the clerk said you'd placed a 'do not disturb' on your line."
"No, we didn't!" exclaimed Mac. "We knew you'd need to be able to reach us in case anything happened, why would we have blocked our line? Those morons didn't know what they were talking about..."
"Ssh" said Harm as he placed a soothing hand on Mac's shoulder. "They probably made a mistake, Honey. But why didn't you call our cell phones?" he asked, turning back to his mother and step-dad.
"We tried those, too" said Frank. "Both of them, multiple times, never even got your voicemail."
"That's strange" said Mac, "they were both on and charged up the whole trip. Why wouldn't they have worked?"
"It was probably just something in the atmosphere" said Frank. "Happens with my phone sometimes when I'm traveling. Even though I'm not roaming according to my plan, it still doesn't receive calls like it's supposed to."
"I bet that's what happened" said Harm. "Sorry if I sounded accusatory, I just couldn't figure out why no one called us when things started going wrong. I should have known there was a reason."
"Of course there was, Harmon" said Trish. "We should have explained all this to you yesterday, but-"
"It's okay, mom" said Harm, "yesterday was crazy for all of us. I didn't even think to ask about this till today."
"Knock, knock" said a familiar voice from near the doorway.
"Hi, Mattie" he greeted. "Oh, God we forgot to call and tell anyone what happened," he blurted out. "Mac..."
"I went home this morning, since you guys were supposed to be coming back from your honeymoon today" answered Mattie, who'd spent most of the previous week staying at her best friend's house. "Grandma told me everything, and here I am. I had my friend Kara drop me off on her way to work."
Harm walked over and hugged her tightly. "I'm glad you're here, sweetie. We missed you."
"I missed you, too" said Mattie. "Mac..." She walked over and gave her new mom a hug. "How's the baby? Is she okay?"
"She's fine" replied Mac. "It was scary yesterday, but she's fine now. They said she can come home tomorrow morning as long as she keeps eating like she has been."
"Very cool!" said Mattie, peeking into the crib at her baby sister. "Hey, little girl" she whispered. "I've missed you."
"She's sleeping, Mattie" Harm warned. "Try not to wake her up, she's needs her rest."
"I know, I'm not touching her" said Mattie. "So, lovebirds, how was your week?" she asked, a suggestive smile on her face.
"I think we had a pretty good time" Harm replied. "Didn't we, honey?" He moved to slip his arm around Mac's shoulders and gave her a squeeze.
"Yes, we did" answered Mac, looking up at her husband. "A very good time."
"Define 'a very good time'" said Mattie, the same smile on her face as before.
"That is for you to find out about in another 10-15 years or so" Harm replied. "You know, you don't have to hang out here. We'll be home tomorrow."
"I know" shrugged Mattie, "but I haven't seen you guys since the wedding and I haven't seen Ainsley in 3 days, so I don't mind staying for awhile."
"You can stay as long as you want, as long as Dr. Cameron says its okay" Harm replied. "In fact, why don't you come over here by Mac...I need to hit the head and I think I should call Bud and the Admiral...let them know what's happened. What do you think, Babe?"
"Definitely" she agreed. "Tell them they're welcome to come see her if they'd like, but they don't have to."
"If I tell them, they'll want to" Harm replied.
"That's fine" said Mac. "We know she's not going home today, so they can come by if they'd like."
Harm leaned over and kissed her lips softly. "I'll be right back, okay?"
"Okay" she whispered with a smile.
"So she's been able to eat today?" Mattie asked Mac.
"Yeah" Mac replied. "And she's a hungry little girl, too!"
"I bet she is" said Mattie.
"In fact, she should be ready to eat again soon" Mac said. "When she's done you can hold her a bit if you want to, that is after Grandma gets a turn."
"OK, cool" said Mattie, peeking into the crib again. "Ah, she's starting to squirm. Want me to get her?"
"No, no" Mac replied. "Let me. She's not in the best of moods just yet." She walked over to the baby and gently lifted her out of the crib. "Hi, baby girl," Mac cooed as she saw Ainsley open her eyes. "You ready to eat again? Hmm?" She walked to the chair and sat down, then looking around at the audience, "Um...?"
"Of course, dear" said Trish, realizing that Mac wanted a little privacy. "We'll go get a cup of coffee and come back after awhile."
"I'll go with them" said Mattie, "get a Coke and chat awhile."
"Thanks, sweetie. Can you get Harm something else to eat too? All he's had is that sandwich" Mac told her.
"Sure" replied Mattie. "I'll bring him a snack when I come back up."
Mac sat back in the rocker as the others left in search of refreshment. She held Ainsley as she nursed greedily and stroked her head. "Mommy's so sorry you got sick, angel. I promise you this though, mommy and daddy, we're going to do the best we can to make sure no one or no thing ever hurts you again." She shifted the baby a bit. "Now...mommy knows we can't put you in a bubble, but we're always going to be here for you. There's nothing you could ever do that would make us stop loving you and nothing that would ever make us leave you." She sighed again and leaned to kiss the baby's head. "Now, sometimes mommy and daddy might have to go away, but I promise, we'll always come home to you. I promise."
"She's awake" said Harm as he came back from making a few calls. "And hungry, huh?"
"Yeah" Mac replied. "She's sucking so hard she's going to bruise me."
"I'm sorry, babe" he said. "I bet you're not too upset about it though, huh?"
"Nah" she smiled. "But I'll be sore, so be gentle when we're cuddling tonight, okay?"
"Count on it, baby" he said, kneeling beside the chair to kiss Ainsley's little head. "I heard what you said to her, about us never leaving her. That was sweet, Mac, really sweet."
"I meant it" she told him. "I don't ever want her to think...never mind, I'm being silly." She tickled Ainsley chin, "Right, baby? Mommy's silly."
"Mommy can be silly when she wants to be" smiled Harm. "But then, so can daddy."
"Amen to that!" laughed Mac.
"Hey now!" he said with a smile. "Seriously, though babe, that was really sweet, those things you said to her. We can't protect her from everything, but we can love her as much as we possibly can."
"I always want her to know that there's someone that loves her" Mac replied. "I'm just thinking she felt so bad yesterday and she had to stay in that little bed with strangers. Poor baby must have thought she had no one left to love her."
"Oh, I don't think she felt that no one loved her, babe" said Harm gently. "I'm sure she noticed when we were there versus when we weren't, but she knows we love her. We've made sure of that from the minute she was born - actually, I take that back. We've made sure of that from the minute we knew she'd been conceived."
"You're right" Mac replied after a minute. "I told you I was being silly."
Harm knew there was probably a bit more to it than just "being silly", but he knew he'd best not push too hard just then. "Where'd everyone go?" he asked her, deciding to change the subject a little.
"I wanted some privacy while I nursed" she answered. "In front of you its one thing, but I still feel a little funny in front of your mom. They're getting drinks and I asked Mattie to get you a snack, you barely ate."
"I ate as much as you did" he said, "are they bringing you a snack, too?"
"No, I didn't want anything" she answered as she disconnected Ainsley from her left breast and moved her to her right.
You have to eat, too, babe" he said. "Feeding her burns up a lot of calories."
"I'll eat when I'm hungry and I'm not hungry right now" she replied. "Anyway, you're bigger than I am."
Harm laughed. "Well, considering I'm a good eight inches taller than you are and I'm a guy, I'd hope I'm bigger than you!"
"See, so you need more food" she said. "Mommy is just not very hungry right now" she cooed to Ainsley. "How's your back?" she asked Harm.
"Still sore" he answered, putting his hand against it, "but a little better. What're the odds I can have that massage tonight, the one we rain checked last night?"
"I'd say as long as I don't have to lay face down, pretty good" she replied. "Are you done yet?" she asked Ainsley's whose little mouth had stopped sucking but remained attached.
"She using you for a pacifier again?" he asked as he looked at the tape on his bandaged wrist.
"Yeah" Mac replied. "Let me take her off and you can burp her if you want."
"Sure" said Harm.
Mac slipped her finger in between Ainsley's lips and her nipple. Ainsley's fussed a bit. "Its okay. You're going to daddy for a nice burp," Mac cooed.
"Come here, beautiful" he said, taking the baby in his arms and placing her head upon his shoulder. "Are you gonna burp for daddy or are you gonna make daddy pat your back for nothing? Hmm?"
Mac laughed. "You could try and order her again. I still can't believe that worked."
"Ha, me either" laughed Harm. "Just proves she's our baby, that's all."
"Like I need proof with those eyes" she smiled. "Anything yet?"
"Nope" he said as he swayed back and forth, gently patting the baby's back. "Usually takes her awhile, with me it does, anyway."
"Me too" she replied. "But you love doing that, don't you? Holding her like that, like its just you and her?"
"I really do" he answered. "I know the day will come when she won't want to snuggle with her old man, but right now it seems so far off, you know?"
"I hope that day never comes" she sighed. "When I was in the cafeteria yesterday with Frank, I saw a girl maybe 22 or 23 years old come in with her Dad. I heard some of what she was saying and she'd just lost someone or was losing someone and she turned to her and said, 'I need a Daddy hug.' I swear, when he let go just a little bit of the anguish had gone out of her face and in its place was the tiniest hint of a smile."
"Well, I don't want her to have to be hurting to want her daddy" he said, placing a kiss atop her fuzzy head.
"I didn't mean it like that" Mac sighed. "I just meant that even when's she's all grown up with her own little ones she'll still want and need her daddy sometimes."
He nodded and smiled. "I can't even imagine her being all grown up. Can you?"
"Sometimes I dream about it" Mac replied. "I see her graduating Annapolis, then Harvard or Yale. I see her marrying...then I usually start to cry."
"Mommy can be such a sap sometimes, can't she, baby girl?" he asked Ainsley as he purposely swayed a bit to the side so he could blink away a tear from his own eyes without letting Mac see him do it.
"Yeah, that's Mommy" Mac sighed. "Harm, I..."
"Yeah, babe?" he asked.
"We...we really need to set aside a time for us to visit Dr. Kendall" she said. "I want to find out...just find out what the chances are of us being able to have another baby."
"As in you want to find out what the chances are that we can do it by ourselves the next time?" he asked, unsure of exactly what she meant.
"As in I want to see what the chances are that we can do it" she replied. "I don't care how. I just want it."
"Good girl" said Harm once Ainsley finally burped for him. "Okay, Mac" he said. "Just remember what we talked about last week. We're not ready to get into all that again yet. She's still too little and we want to enjoy her for awhile."
"I know but...I just want to see. Just let me go and see" she insisted. "We can wait a while but if we wait too long I...it may be too late."
"I know, babe" he said. "We can't wait a very long time because of the endometriosis, and the last thing I want is for us to wait so long that you have the have more surgery before we can try again, but I can say with certainty that I'm not ready yet and I know you're not either. Why the sudden urge to meet with Dr. Kendall again? Is there anything you're not telling me?"
"Not really," she sighed. "I'm just...I'm so scared that when we start to try again they'll find out its spreading or its scarred too much and then we'll never get to have another baby and I want another one so much. I want to give you a son, Harm."
He looked at her and saw the fear in her eyes as she spoke. "Mac" he said, "I'd love to have a son, or another daughter, or whatever God sees fit to send our way, but I don't want you worrying too much about any of that just yet. I know it has to be hard for you - heck, it's hard for me if I spend much time dwelling on the likelihood that we'll never be able to do this on our own, but Ainsley is only 4 months old, it's barely been a year since we got away from all that fertility stuff... We deserve to spend a little time feeling like a 'normal' couple, you know?"
Mac turned her gaze down to her womb. "Normal" she sighed. "I'd love to be, but its not the case is it? But if you want to wait..."
He could tell how much she was hurting. "Hey, hey" he said, walking towards her, Ainsley still resting against his shoulder. "I want more, you know I do, just not quite yet. Tell you what, once we get her home and catch our breath, we'll make an appointment to talk with Dr. Kendall so we can ask him how long he feels is a reasonable length of time to wait. I'm being honest when I say I'm not ready yet, but if he were to give us a reason not to wait, well then I'd have to find a way to get ready. I love you, Mac, and I never want to be the reason for any more of your pain." He leaned in and kissed her sweetly on the lips.
"I love you, too" she sighed. "Okay...We'll just have a consult and make a decision after he examines me." She turned her face to study Ainsley. "She's really fighting that nap she wants."
Harm nodded. "She's afraid she'll miss something I guess. Oh, I didn't tell you, Bud, Harriet and AJ, 'Big AJ', are planning to come by later on."
"No, you didn't" she replied. "What did they say when you told them?"
"They were sorry she'd been sick and all" said Harm as he continued to pace the floor, patting Ainsley's back, "but they're glad to hear she's okay."
Ainsley started to squirm at bit and gave a little cough, the kind she made when she was building up to a nice long wail.
"It's okay, beautiful" whispered Harm, "daddy's got you. Go on, go to sleep, baby girl. You need a nap so you'll be awake when everyone comes to see you." Ainsley continued to squirm. "Okay, daddy knows what to do with you, yes he does." He carried her back to her bed and paid her down on one of the lightweight blankets she'd been covered up with. He wrapped it around her, nice and snug, then picked her up again. "See" he said when her fussing stopped, "daddy knows all the tricks."
Mac watched as Harm wrapped Ainsley up in her blanket and walked back and forth rocking her, humming softly until her tired little eyelids drooped and she fell asleep against his chest. "She's out" Mac told him. "You've got the magic touch. You always know the right thing to say."
He smiled at her as he walked over to the crib and laid the baby down. "Yeah, well that's part of my charm."
"Your charm, huh?" asked Mac. "Tell me, does it only work on babies?"
He smiled a sneaky smile as he walked towards his wife and pulled her close. "Nope, works on women of all ages. You want me to show you?"
She moved a bit closer. "Yeah," she sighed, her voice a bit husky.
He leaned down and captured her lips with his own as his hands held her face to his, kissing her passionately, tenderly.
Mac responded by sliding her arms up around his neck and returning his kiss full force. She loved this feeling, his arms around her, his lips on hers, with the proof of their love sleeping only a few feet away. It was so right, so perfect. In between kisses and gasps for breath, Mac whispered a question. "Did I ever tell you..." Another kiss. "How good this feels?"
"Mmm...nope" he said. "Not today, anyway."
She kissed him again, and made a tiny moan in the back of her throat, "Well, it does - feel good that is. I feel so...so many things, so loved, so...safe."
"You are loved" he whispered, "and safe."
"We really shouldn't be doing this in here" she commented, but nevertheless pulled him closer running her hands down his back pressing gently on the spot that had been hurting him and rubbing it lightly. "Someone might see us."
He held his breath as she gently rubbed at his aching back. "I know" he whispered. "It's just too hard for me not to kiss you, Mac." He knew she was right, and he knew a kiss was as far as things could go, but he just couldn't bring himself to step away until...
"Oh my!" Trish gasped as she opened Ainsley's hospital door so she and Mattie could step inside. Out of all the things she'd thought she might see in Ainsley's hospital room, the sight of her son and his wife kissing surely wasn't among them.
"What?" asked Mattie as she entered. "Oh please, you guys" she said once she saw her parents entwined in one another, "get a room - other than this one!"
Mac's face turned a deep shade of red and she looked over at Harm. "Uh, we were just...uh, yeah...So what did you get to eat?"
"Pizza and a Coke" said Mattie, smiling at the two of them. "We brought you a salad" she said to Harm, "glad I didn't bring you dessert, since you already had some." She smiled from ear-to-ear and awaited his comeback.
"Mathilda Grace!" he exclaimed, "you just...just never mind! May I have my food, please?" he asked with an embarrassed smile. He took the bag as Mattie offered it to him, opened it and looked inside. "What's all the rest of this stuff?" he asked, seeing a cheeseburger and fries next to his salad.
"For Mac" replied Mattie. "I knew you'd kick my six if I didn't bring something for her, too."
"Thank you Mattie, but I had the tuna sandwich, I'm not very hungry" she told the girl. "Still, it was very nice of you."
"Yeah, it was" agreed Harm, "and you need to eat at least part of it" he said, turning to Mac. "Please? Just humor me?"
"But..." she started to protest again and say she wasn't hungry, but his eyes told her that wouldn't be a very smart move. She left the burger but picked up a fry and took a small bite. She looked at Mattie. "Where's Frank?"
"Making some business calls" answered Mattie. "How long has Ainsley been down?"
"Not too long" Mac replied putting the half eaten fry down. "She fought it as long as she could."
"She's still not a hundred percent" she looked at Trish. "But she's getting there."
"She is" agreed Harm. "She really bounced back pretty fast. I guess babies are resilient like that."
"Only if they're lucky" Mac sighed. "Excuse me a minute will you?" She rose and left the nursery.
"What's going on with her?" Harm asked Mattie, thinking maybe he'd missed something.
"Not sure" shrugged the teenager. "Want me to go see?"
He shook his head. "No, I'll go if she doesn't come back in a few minutes. Hey, we've got more visitors coming tonight."
"Oh, who's that?" Trish asked looking down the hallway at the direction Mac had taken.
"Bud, Harriet and the Admiral" answered Harm. "Should be here in a few hours."
"I think that would be lovely" Trish sighed. "Frank and I might not be here by then."
"How come?" asked Harm.
"We're leaving tomorrow morning and we have to pack our things and such" Trish replied. "That, and I'm sure they'll all be just as upset with me as Mac is so...I'd rather stay out of the line of fire."
"Oh, mom" said Harm, "I'm sure no one would say anything to you like that." He could sense she was anxious about hanging around while the group was gathered, and wasn't going to force the issue. "If you want to get packed up tonight, though, that'd be fine. You could turn in early, get a good night's sleep before I have to get you to the airport in the morning."
"I think that would be for the best" Trish replied. "At least until Mac feels like we can talk this thing out."
Harm nodded. "She'll come around soon. I've noticed a change in her in just the past day, and I know once we get Ainsley back home and get settled back in from our trip, she'll be ready."
"I hope so" she sighed. "I'm worried now though. We're do you think she's gotten to?"
"I'll go see" said Harm, rising from his seat. "Keep an eye on the baby, would you?" he asked his mom and Mattie. "I'll be right back. She shouldn't wake up while I'm gone, but if she does-"
"We can handle her, Harm" said Mattie. "Go find your wife."
He nodded and headed for the door.
"Hey, babe" said Harm when he found Mac sitting alone on a sofa down the hall. "What's wrong?"
"I had to get out of there for awhile" she replied, not looking at him. She wiped a few tears from her eyes. "Who's with Ainsley?"
"Mattie and mom" he said, wrapping his arm around her shoulders as he sat beside her. "She's still asleep; I told them I'd be right back."
"I'm still not there yet, Harm," she admitted. "I still...I...I know I need to talk to her; I just can't find the words."
"They're planning to go home pretty soon, I think" said Harm, "mom said they need to get packed. She knows you're still not ready to talk to her, and that's okay, I'm just sorry it's hurting the both of you so much."
"I can't get past it. I know I need to, but I can't," Mac sighed. "And I feel terrible about that because its hurting you, and what hurts you hurts me, and what hurts us ultimately hurts Ainsley and I don't want to do that, because if I do that, then its exactly like what your mother did, only maybe its worse, be..."
"Calm down, Mac" said Harm gently, his hand rubbing her leg in an effort to soothe her. "It's okay, it's all gonna be okay. Just give yourself a little time to process it; it's only been a day, that's not very long to deal with something that has you this upset. You'll be able to sort things out once we get home and everything settles back down."
"But what if I can't?" she asked him. "I mean... I thought once she was fine and we knew she'd be all right I would let it go, but I can't. What if I never can?"
Harm sighed. "That won't happen, babe" he said. "I know you won't let that happen. You'll find a way to get past it eventually because you know it won't be good for Ainsley if her mommy carries this around forever. Like I said, you just need more time, and I'll make sure you get that, but for now let's set this whole thing aside and focus on Ainsley, okay?"
"I'd like to...I want to have more time with you and Ainsley on our own before more people come" she said.
"I'm not going to make my mom leave before she gets to hold the baby" said Harm firmly but gently. "I'll go back down there; you can come when you're ready, but don't make it too long." He gave her a kiss on the head. "I love you."
"I'll come now" she sighed. "Just..."
"I know, babe" he said. "You don't have to talk to her yet, just do the best you can."
"No, I..." She opened her arms to signal what she wanted.
He smiled and opened his arms to bring her close and squeeze her tight. "You feel better now?"
"I always feel better like this" she replied against his chest. "Too bad I can't stay in here forever."
"Hey" he said softly, "anytime you need to hide in here, you just say the word. I love you, Mac."
"I know" she replied. "Sometimes I still wonder if I'm lying in that hospital bed at Christmas, dreaming all of this, and I'm going to wake up alone."
He held her a little tighter. "It's not a dream, babe, and as long as I'm living and breathing, you'll never be alone."
She smiled and pulled back. "Neither will you." Her posture changed then, her back straightened and her shoulders went back. "Let's go check on our daughter. You're mom and Mattie can hold her then we can steal a little time before the others arrive."
"Okay" replied Harm with a smile that could melt a heart of stone. With his hand in hers, they returned to Ainsley's room.
A/N: For those who're wondering about the Mac/Trish situation, a resolution is in the works, I promise. :) Please take a sec and let me know what you thought of this chapter!