Disclaimer: Oh I wish they were mine...sigh...
A/N: I'm so sorry for taking so long to get this chapter posted, but my usual excuse applies - real life has been crazy! It's a pretty long chapter, though, so I hope it's worth the wait. :) Thanks to my buddy, LadyCommish, for her help throughout this chapter. :)
Chapter 74:
Mac slipped out of bed slowly as not to disturb Harm. She was still very tired but had work to do. She went downstairs to change the laundry, then worked her way upstairs to decide what to make for dinner. Mattie was up in her room with the stereo on. It wasn't loud, but with Mac's aching head it wasn't pleasant either. She was just about to holler for her to turn it down when the phone rang.
"Lieutenant Colonel Mackenzie" she answered.
"Good evening, Colonel" replied the caller. "How're you doing?"
"I'm fine, Sir" Mac replied. "What can I do for you?"
"I wanted to check in with you" replied General Creswell, "see if things have gotten better with the baby. How is she?"
"She doing just fine now, Sir" she replied. "She's still not a hundred percent. She's napping a lot more than she usually does, but she is so much better. We were able to bring her home today."
"Oh, wonderful" said the General. "Glad to hear that. Dora and I had been worried since we heard the baby had taken ill. I'm glad all is well now."
"Well that's not exactly accurate, Sir" Mac replied. "There's been a development I was going to call you about."
"Oh?" queried the General.
"You see, it's the Commander, Sir" Mac sighed, the impact of Harm's plight still taking stabs at her.
The General listened as Mac explained what the situation was with Harm. "I see" he said. "This sounds serious, Colonel."
"It is, Sir," she replied. "He's bedridden for the time being and the doctor seemed optimistic that this would work but...he's in so much pain and he's sleeping in the middle of the day and every little movement he makes and he's soaked, Sir," she sighed. "I suppose I could say I'm worried about him. His ER doctor should be faxing you a medical leave request."
"I'd expect so" said their CO. "He certainly can't work in that condition. Do you have someone in place to look after him when you return to the office next week?"
"Actually Sir, I wanted to talk to you about that" Mac sighed. "I would prefer...that is I respectfully request that I be allowed a family leave so that I can tend to my husband and daughter as they recover, Sir."
The General was quiet for a moment. "I'm not sure I can spare you, Colonel" he said. "Not with you both having been out for the past week, and now with the Commander out indefinitely. The backlog of cases is atrocious. I really need you back here Monday morning."
"But Sir" Mac protested. "My husband needs me here. He can't..."
"Is there no one who can help with him, Colonel?" asked Creswell, a hint of compassion in his voice. "His mother, perhaps?"
"General, there is no way that I'm going let Harm's mother take care of him, not after Ainsley" she replied her anger at Trish causing her mouth to run amuck. "There is no one. But if I'm needed, I'll be there. Request limited hours, Sir. 10 until 4?"
"Make it 10 to 3, Colonel" answered the General. "I'm sorry I can't grant you full leave right now, but if we can get things a little more under control here by the end of the week, I'll be glad to give you more time off."
"Thank you, Sir" she replied. "I'll see you tomorrow then."
"Alright, Colonel" he said. "Give the Commander my best wishes."
"I'll do that, Sir" she replied. "Thank you for your concern."
"Goodbye, Colonel."
Mac hung up the phone and went back to making Harm's meal. She would make his favorite, Vegetable Lasagna. Hopefully he'd feel well enough to eat it.
As Mac worked Mattie's music seemed to grow in volume until her head was throbbing from the beat.
"Mattie!" she called.
The door to the teenager's room opened. "Yeah?" she called back.
"Turn that down, it's too loud" she called.
"Uh, okay...?" said Mattie. "'It's not that loud' she muttered to herself, knowing that Mac was in no mood for lip.
"Thank you," Mac replied. "Mattie?"
"Yeah?" she replied from the top of the stairs.
"Did you do your homework?" she asked. "You have school tomorrow."
"I'm working on it now" said Mattie. "Do you need me to help with anything else? I can finish my homework later."
"I have everything under control" Mac replied. "Just keep the music low. Harm and Ainsley are sleeping."
Just then, a solid cry could be heard coming from the nursery.
"Well she was sleeping" Mac muttered. "Mommy's coming, angel."
Mac worked her way into Ainsley's nursery. "What the matter, sweetie?" she asked lifting the baby out of the bed.
She felt Ainsley's diaper through her little outfit. "You're very wet, baby girl. Let's take care of that." The baby fussed some as her mother laid her on the changing table and went to work replacing her wet diaper with a fresh, dry one. The longer she lay on the table, the more upset Ainsley became until Mac was finished and picked her up again.
"There, my goodness" she said, rubbing the baby's back. "You always fuss more for me than you do for your daddy. Why is that? Hmm?" Mac held the baby up in front of her and smiled. "I'm glad you feel better, love" she said. Ainsley stopped fussing for a moment, but it didn't last long. "Are you hungry?" Mac asked her unhappy daughter, a quick check of her own internal clock providing the answer. "Well, let's take care of that, too, huh?" cooed Mac as she took a seat in the glider rocker. Within a moment, Ainsley was nursing contently, providing Mac with a much-needed breather.
"When you're done here, you want to go see, Daddy?" she asked the baby.
Almost as if she understood the question, Ainsley turned her eyes up to her mother. She most definitely had her daddy's eyes.
"Did you know that daddy has a booboo?" she asked. "Maybe if you go and cuddle with him he'll feel better, huh?"
"Mac...?" called a hoarse voice from the master bedroom.
"There's daddy now" she cooed to Ainsley, lifting her and keeping her attached as she moved to see what Harm needed. "What is it?" she asked.
"Oh, you're busy" he said, his voice filled with weariness.
"She's willing to share" Mac replied. "Aren't you, angel? What's wrong?"
"I need my pills and something to drink" he said. "I can wait till she's finished, though."
"Pain worse?" she asked as she stroked the baby's head and moved to sit beside Harm. "Anyway, you can't take another pill yet. It's not time."
"Damn" he said. "Yeah, it's coming on pretty strong; I need something, I don't care what."
"Can you wait or do you want me to ask Mattie?" she asked as she sat beside him.
"See if Mattie can get it" he said, wincing as he tried to shift just a bit. "Here, come sit on this side, babe."
"Harm I can't..." she began to protest.
"Yes, you can" he interrupted. "You won't take a break just for the sake of taking one or because you need one, but you can't very well do anything else while you're feeding her, so come sit here next to me and let me spend some time with you."
Mac nodded her head and moved to her side of the bed, sitting so she could face him. "Mattie?" she called.
"On a scale of one to ten?" she asked Harm while she waited for the teen's answer.
"Yeah?" called Mattie from the doorway of her room.
"5 or 6" answered Harm.
"Can you get Harm some Motrin and a glass of water?" Mac asked. Then hearing Harm's reply, "Truth?"
"Yeah" he replied. "Could be better, could be worse, but it's all relative, you know? Remember them asking you that question when you were having contractions?" He reached his hand out and gently caressed Ainsley's little head.
"Yeah, I wanted to say 11" she laughed. "I just didn't want to scare you."
"I knew you were really hurting" he said, "but I'll always be amazed how wonderfully strong you were to do what you did with no drugs."
"It was worth every agonizing second" she smiled and felt Ainsley detach herself. "She's done. Mattie!"
"Coming" called the teen as she hurried down the stairs. "What do you need?" she asked, stepping into the master bedroom.
"Motrin and a glass of water" Mac repeated. "Quickly please."
"Sure" said Mattie, hurrying into the kitchen.
"I'm making your favorite for dinner" Mac told him. "Think you can sit up to eat?"
"I'm not super hungry" he said, "but I know I have to eat, so yeah, I'll either sit up as best I can, or you can bring it in to me already cut up and I'll eat it laying down. I'm assuming by 'my favorite dinner' you mean veggie lasagna, right?"
"That would be correct" she smiled. "I can help you if need be. Where'd she go for that medicine? China?"
"I'm pretty sure I can manage lasagna by myself" he said, "and yeah, what's taking her so long? The Motrin is in the bathroom and she can take her pick of any of the fine sinks scattered throughout the downstairs..."
"I'll get it myself" Mac sighed and reached out Ainsley to Harm. "Want to cuddle?"
"But of course" said Harm, reaching out to take his baby girl in his arms.
Ainsley wailed when she was handed to her daddy. It was the second time she'd done that. Mac rose to get the pills from master bathroom and a cup of water. "Here you go" Mac said upon her return. "Lift up your head."
With Ainsley sitting on his chest, his hands supporting her rib cage, he leaned his head up to take the water.
"Easy sips, easy sips," she coached.
"Oh, you found the Motrin" said a frazzled Mattie as she returned with a glass of water but nothing else. "I looked in the hall bathroom and in the kitchen cabinet for it. Obviously it wasn't there."
"Obviously not" Mac replied. "Its okay...I got it for him."
Ainsley continued to fuss on Harm's chest as Mac fluffed his neck pillow.
"Want me to take her?" asked Mattie, holding her arms out towards the baby.
"Thanks, but I've got her for now" said Harm. "She's been fussy for me lately; I guess she can sense something's not right. Maybe if I hold her for awhile and talk to her, she'll calm down."
"If you've got her, I'll go finish up supper" Mac sighed and rose from the bed, retreating to the kitchen to finish the meal.
"What is it, precious girl?" Harm asked the baby as she continued to fuss. "You don't like your daddy being laid up like this, huh? Well, daddy doesn't like it, either, I can promise you that, love." As he spoke, Ainsley became calmer, eventually ceasing her tears and looking around at the world in front of her little blue eyes.
When Ainsley was finally calm and interested in studying Harm and Mac's sheet pattern, Mattie broached a subject that had been bothering her since she had gone to see the baby. "What's with Mac?"
"Nothing's 'with Mac', Mattie" answered Harm. "She's just stressed, that's all."
"Well she's acting all...I don't know...She's acting kind of nasty and I don't really like that. I don't think I did anything wrong" she told him.
"You're right" he said as Ainsley grabbed hold of his finger, "you didn't do anything. Mac's demeanor right now doesn't have to do with you, I promise. She's just reeling from what happened with the baby and then my stupid back going out like this; she's just overwhelmed and it'd mean a lot to us both if you could go out of your way to help whenever you can. Do things without being asked; that's a sure fire way to win points with Mac. I've learned that the hard way."
"Did you?" Mattie asked. "It's like..I'm sorry, but it really bugged me when she yelled at me for the stereo being too loud. You never would have done that" she sighed. "Can you talk to her about it, Dad?"
He nodded. "I'll see what I can do, but chances are until I get back on my feet and Mac gets some decent rest, she's gonna be a little moody. Don't take any of it personally, Mats. She loves you, you know that."
"I know that" she sighed and rubbed the baby's head. "Oh yeah - I saw it this morning and I've been meaning to ask you, what did you do to your wrist?"
"Oh, that" smiled Harm. "I cut it, needed a few stitches. No big deal."
"Really, then why are you all red?" she asked with a smirk.
"I'm not all red!" he insisted, feeling the blush rising in his cheeks.
"As a tomato" Mattie laughed. "I mean seriously Dad, what did you put on the form? 'Household accident'?"
"Well, we..." Harm was desperately searching for the right words to get himself out of that conversation when Ainsley came to his rescue by sticking her tongue out and blowing bubbles, a new trick she'd discovered.
Noticing Harm's delight Mattie asked, "What did she do?"
"Come look" he said, smile spread all across his face as Ainsley continued to demonstrate her new-found talent.
Mattie leaned over to see the baby, "Oh. We should call Mac."
"Go get her" said Harm, nodding his head towards the kitchen.
Mac was just about to take the lasagna out of the oven when she heard Mattie's approach. She turned around and said"go get washed up for dinner."
"I will" said Mattie, "but you gotta come see what Ainsley is doing first!"
Mac took the oven mitt off and tossed the towel over her shoulder as she followed Mattie into the bedroom. "What's she doing?" she asked him.
"Blowing bubbles with her tongue" said Mattie. "It's so cute!"
Mac reached the master bedroom and sure enough, Ainsley was lying on Harm's chest on her tummy, intently blowing little bubbles at her daddy. Mac leaned over and smiled. "Did you learn something new, angel?" she asked rubbing Ainsley's little hand.
"Tell mommy 'yes, I'm showing daddy my new trick'" replied Harm, still smiling at his daughter.
"What a good girl" Mac praised. "Entertaining your daddy. You keep that up while Mommy and Mattie get dinner and bring in trays. We'll eat in here tonight."
"Oh, that'd be nice" said Harm. "I have a feeling this room will become the gathering place for family meals for the next week, huh?"
"That's my current plan, yes" Mac replied with a smile. "I'll be right back."
Mac and Mattie set up the snack tables and folding chairs at Harms' bedside and brought him his meal on a breakfast tray. It hurt him too much to sit up, so Mac cut the lasanga up small and he ate it at a 45 degree angle.
As they ate, Harm and Mac recounted some of their Texan adventures for Mattie, leaving out anything private or X-rated, not that the teen didn't have her own ideas. Mattie filled Harm and Mac in on her week at her friends house and all agreed that while they had enjoyed their week, they were glad to be home and together again.
As they talked, Mac recalled that Harm had told her he had a reason for every destination on their road trip. She'd never asked him what they were though, but now that things were calming down with the baby, she remembered and made a mental note to ask him tonigh, maybe as she helped him bathe before bed.
After they finished eating and Mattie and Mac shared the rest of the cookie dough ice cream, Mattie adjourned herself to chat with her internet buddies promising to come down and say goodnight while Mac fed Ainsley and put her down for her late evening nap. All the while Harm struggled to keep the pain off his features not wanting to upset Mac anymore than she all ready was. Once Mattie was occupied and Ainsley asleep, Mac sat down beside him and rubbed his leg, "How about a bath, Flyboy?"
"I'd love one, babe" he answered. "How, exactly, are you proposing we do this?"
"I'll get Ainsley's baby bath, fill it up and help you do it in the bed" she replied. "That's the only way I can think of."
"Won't we get the sheets all wet?" he asked. "Not that I can think of any better way, really..."
"We can put towels under you if you can roll a bit to each side" Mac suggested. "If they get too wet, I'll blow dry them."
"That'll work" he agreed. "Do I need to move at all yet?"
"Why?" she asked worried about the query. "Hurting?"
"Nah, not hurting" he said, "just getting really stiff."
Mac thought a minute, "I have an idea. You must have to hit the head by now. Why don't you go that while I line the sheets with towels that way you'll only have to roll the once."
"Now that you mention it" he said, "I'm about to burst. Can you help me up?"
"Sure" she replied and helped him pull the covers off. "I'll get your legs first, then we can sit you up."
Gently Mac took his knees and slipped her arms underneath, rotating his legs until the hung over the side of the bed.
"Okay?" she asked when she had finished.
"I'm ready" he said. "Let's do it."
"Give me your hands" she instructed. "Now lean towards me as I pull you up."
"Oh, God!" he said, feeling as if every inch she was pulling him up was a mile. "God, this, oh!"
At Harm's cries Mac stopped and let him drop back down. "We have to do this another way." She thought a moment, "You all right?"
"Not hardly" he replied, his breathing deep and concentrated as he worked through the pain. "But I'll live. It's not your fault."
"I know" she sighed. "You have to pee sometime. How about I put one arm around you waist and the other behind your back, like a brace and you push up with your hands?" she suggested. "Maybe that will be better, more support on your spine?"
"We can try it" he said, "but I don't want you hurting yourself trying to move me. I've got a good 100 pounds on you, babe. See if Mattie can come help."
"I don't want her seeing this" Mac replied. "I'm just holding you. You're doing the work. Anyway, I can bench press my own weight, how hard can this be?"
Mac slipped her left are over Harm's abdomen and wiggled her right one under his back and held fast. "Okay. Sit up on three."
He nodded, taking a deep breath in preparation.
"One" Mac counted. "Two. Three." She felt Harm move himself forward as she kept his back as straight as she could. He managed to sit up, then with his elbows on his knees sat panting. She snuggled closer to him and put her head on his shoulder. "You can't do this, can you?"
She gently ran her hand over his upper back, up, down, up, down, pat, pat over and over until he answered her.
"I don't have a choice, Mac" he replied softly. "Just like you didn't have a choice about the pain you were in those last few minutes of your labor, you just had to get through it, and that's what I have to do here...somehow."
"I don't want you hurting yourself worse" she told him. "This is killing me, seeing this." She held him a bit tighter.
"I'm so sorry, sweetheart" he said, placing a hand on her knee as she held onto him. "I hate that this is happening."
"It's not your fault" she sighed. "Ready to go the miracle mile?"
"Yeah, let's do it" he said, trying to sound as optimistic as possible.
Mac rose and held out her hand to him so he could push himself up. "You want to walk yourself or do you want help?"
"Walk with me" he said. "Just be here if I need you."
Mac walked with Harm to the bathroom door. His step faltered once but he corrected it without her help. Once he was in the bathroom she went and got the extra towels from the linen closet and set out a fresh set of shorts for him to put on.
By the time she got the bed set up, she heard him open the bathroom door. She hurried out to see if he needed her help.
"You okay?" she asked him as he walked very slowly from the bathroom towards the bedroom.
Mac stood right beside him, ready to catch him if he needed her to. Thankfulyl, he didn't need anything from her until he reached the bed.
"We might as well strip you down before you get back in" she suggested. "That sound good?"
"Yeah, might as well" he agreed. "But make it fast, I'm dying here."
"Can you stand up for one more minute?" she asked.
He nodded, and she could see the pain in his eyes.
She hooked her fingers around the waist band of his sleep shorts and pulled them down to his ankles. "Okay" she told him. "You can sit now."
"Might need some help" he said as he stepped as close to the bed as he could get.
"I can't sit for you" she said sadly. "Just bend your knees and fall back onto the bed. I'll get your legs in."
With a sigh, he did as she suggested, landing seated on the bed with a thud. "Goddamn, that hurts!"
"I know" Mac soothed. "Let's get the bath over with then I can rub some of the salve on and you can have one of the good pills." She said this as she knelt and pulled off his shorts and socks leaving him completely bare.
He shook his head. "I'm hurting too much for the bath tonight" he said. "Just throw the covers over me and we can do it in the morning."
"Harm, I have to go into JAG in the morning. We have to do this now, honey."
"What?" he said, the surprise in his voice matching that in his eyes. "You can't work tomorrow, Mac! I can barely move; you can't leave."
"I have to" she told him. "The General said he can't spare another attorney just now. I'm on limited duty but I have to go in from 10-3, which means I have to leave at 9 and I won't be back until 4." Sheshe lifted her leg up onto the bed, none too tenderly, aggravation not directed at him, but at the General.
"Ah!" he said. "Careful, Mac!"
"I'm sorry" she apologized, a tear springing to one eye. "I'm just so...AJ would have given me the time off."
"Yeah, well..." muttered Harm. "Can I have that pill before we do the bath, please?"
"You've got another hour, Sailor" she told him. "It'll make you sick if you take them too close."
"OK" he said with a sigh. "Let's get this bath over with so I can get 'comfy' again." He used the term "comfy" very loosely.
She leaned over and gave him a gentle kiss. "If I could love this pain away..." she sighed.
With the tiniest hint of a smile, Harm replied. "It was loving you that brought all this on, my dear."
"Not worth it" she sighed and began to rise.
He reached out and took her arms in his hands, forcing her to stop. "Look at me, Mac" he said.
She tried but her face remained on his body, still lying haphazardly on the bed.
"Mac" he said again, "look at me."
She moved up to meet his eyes, her own eyes dry, but holding a lot of pain, a mirror of his own.
"I hate that this is causing such a burden on us, on you, right now" he said, "but I don't regret anything we did together last week that may have played a part in this. I'd do it all over again in a second if I had the opportunity. I mean that. Do you regret anything we did last week? I want the truth, babe. Was it not worth it to you?"
"Harm, I loved our trip" she told him. "I did. But I regret anything that causes you to suffer like this. I'd rather think it could have happened anyway, but nothing is worth your pain to me, nothing."
"How about this?" he suggested, desperate for a way to take the focus of blame off of their amazing week together. "How about we channel our regret towards all the times I had to land hard or punch out, since that's what really started all this?"
She smiled a bit. "I can live with that. Now can I get you cleaned up? All the perspiration is making you musky."
"Aw, you can say it, Mac" he replied with a little laugh. "I stink."
"Not yet" she smiled. "It still has a quality of sexiness, like when you've just run."
"Ooohhh...I see" he said, the laugh becoming a smile. "So all those times you tell me I stink like a pig right after a run; you don't really mean that, huh? What you mean is I'm just about as sexy as I can get."
"That" she smiled coyly, "depends on how long you've been running. I'll be right back."
As Mac left to fill the baby tub with water and grab a wash cloth, Harm laid in bed and thought about the situation upon them. She had to go back to work the next morning. He could hardly move without help. He knew the baby was going to day care, since there was no way he could begin to take care of her, but he was worried about being home alone. "Pull yourself together, Commander" he said to himself, rubbing his hands over his face.
Mac returned just then, "Is the pain that bad?" she asked when she saw his movement.
"Huh? No, no, it's not too bad" he said looking at the tub of water. "Did you get it nice and hot?"
"Nice and steaming" she told him. "You ready?"
"Mm-hmm" he said, moving to push himself up just a little until he was lying at his 45 degree angle against his pillows.
"I'll hurry, Babe" she told him. "I promise. How much of this do you feel you can do yourself?" she asked dipping the rag into Ainsley's tub.
"Not much" he replied, wishing his answer was two fold. As much as he'd enjoy her bathing him on any given day, he was just in too much pain to do that tonight.
"Alright" she sighed and dipped the rag into the warm water,applying soap as she worked. "Just lie back now." She ran the warm rag over his face first, washing his forehead, his cheeks, the hollows of his throat, even behind his ears.
"That feels great" he said. "Not as good as a real shower, but it'll sure do for now."
Mac remained silent and dipped the rag again, reapplying it to rinse the soap off his face. Next she made the motion again and began washing his chest, going in slow circles intended to soothe. She did this across the whole of his broad chest, down to his belly, then back up.
"I wish I felt good enough to enjoy this" he said to her, his eyes closed as she gently washed his body.
"We'll do this one day when you do" she promised. "We can take turns. Lift your arm up for me."
He did so silently so she could wash and rinse the limb and the underarm. Dipping the rag again and moving to the other side she smiled, "You've held out on me, Flyboy."
"What do you mean, babe?" he asked.
"In Texas, you told me that you'd tell me why you chose the places you did, but you never told me" she reminded him. "Lift this one now."
"You really wanna know?" he asked her, lifting his arm as she'd requested.
"Of course I do" she replied. "You put a lot of thought into that."
"Yeah, I guess I did, huh?" he said. "Well, let's see, where'd we start? Oh yeah, San Antonio. Well, I picked it because I'd heard it was a really great tourist city, lots of great food, lots of history, the kind of things I knew you'd enjoy."
"Yes, I do" she replied. "But not you so much." she replied. "Pain alright?"
"Yeah, I'm okay" he said. "You're good at this."
"Thanks" she smiled. "So go on tell me the rest of it." She urged dipping the cloth and beginning to wash his right hip.
"Well" he continued, "we went to Houston because of Six Flags. I wanted to go someplace where we could just totally let loose and have fun, and again, I'd heard that Astroworld was a pretty cool park to visit. I think that was one of my favorite parts of the whole week, Mac."
"Mine too" she smiled. "It was like a date" she saidas sheproceeded down his long leg.
"Exactly" he said with a sincere smile. "That's exactly what I was going for; the feel of a simple, old-fashioned date. Probably kind of cliché of me to take my girl to the 'fair' and do all the rides and junk food and such, but I thought it'd be nice."
"It was very nice" she replied as she hit his calf. "How's this feeling there Sailor? Getting too cold?"
"I could use a little warming up" he said, "but I'm not freezing to death."
"The water or you?" she asked.
"Both" he answered with a little laugh.
Mac nodded. "How about I finish this leg, then I'll cover up this side and reheat the water?" she suggested.
When he nodded she asked, "Corpus Christi?"
The mere mention of that place would forever bring a smile to his face, hers too, he noticed. "Two reasons: one, I wanted to tour the Lexington and I knew that was something you'd love. Two, I wanted to make one of my dreams come true, and believe it or not I'm not talking about what we did in that cluster of palm trees."
"Oh really?" she asked as she covered up his right side with the blanket as promised. "And what dream did we make come true there then?" she asked going to the master bath to refill the tub.
"I'll tell you when you get back" he said, wanting to see her face when he explained it to her.
Mac emptied the tub and quickly refilled it. A few minutes later she was back at his side. "Let me finish your legs now then maybe you can take care of your private area before I do your back."
He laughed at her choice of words. "Honestly, Mac, is there anything that either of us have that's actually 'private' anymore?"
"No but...I'll wash it if you want me to..." she blushed."I just think its best since we can't...for the duration" she explained. "So, Corpus Christi?"
"Yeah, Corpus Christi" he repeated. "We went there so that I could live out a dream I've had for a long time, probably as long as I've known you. I don't know why, but I'd always wanted to take a walk with you along a moonlight beach on our honeymoon, stopping to kiss you at some point along the way. I know I could have chosen a warmer beach than I did, we could have gone to the Bahamas or something, but then I would have had to give up all the other things that made that week so special, you know, the food and the park and all."
"Oh, Harm" she said softly, concentrating on washing his left foot. "That is...that is the same dream I've had only mine was a board walk." She abandoned his foot - and his bath - a moment and moved up to kiss his lips. "I love you and more than that...you love me."
"With every fiber of my being, Mac" he replied, returning her kiss. "And I always will."
She leaned over and kissed him again. "Thank you."
"I should be the one saying that" he replied tenderly.
She shook her head. "No. I'm glad to be able to do this. You are such a wonderful husband, you should be taken care of once in awhile." She frowned then moved away from his to finish his foot.
With that done she moved until she was parallel with his masculinity. "Do you want to do this?" she asked him.
He thought for a moment. "Nah, go ahead" he said. "I can take it."
Mac dipped the cloth into the water and began to washhis lower half. She did so gently as not to hurt him or excite him, which didn't seem to be a problem tonight.
"I must be hurting more than I thought for that not to do a thing for me" he thought to himself.
Harm didn't outwardly react to his lack of stimulation, and Mac didn't press it. "Baby" she began. "You're going to have to roll over now so I can wash your back. Then I'll put the cream on okay?"
"Okay" he replied. Taking a deep breath he rolled to his right so that she could wash his back and other areas inaccessible via the front. He'd done this before, and gone through hours of therapy to teach him how to roll over like this. He executed the maneuver and felt a white hot pain shoot through his back.
He drew in a short, sharp breath. "Oh, God" he said. "Oh, God..."
"Breathe, honey" Mac coached. "You're halfway there."
With her encouragement Harm continued rolling over, when he went to move his leg though, he felt his back spasm as the muscles around the injured disc knotted and pressed in on each other. He felt the worst pain he'd ever felt in that moment, followed by the worst fear he'd ever felt, even worse than when he'd first seen his little one in the PICU.
As he tried to free his leg, he couldn't make it move.
"Oh, God no!" he said, his voice low and riddled with fear. "Oh, ow, ow, oh God! Mac!" Harm tried for her sake to keep calm, at least outwardly, but he couldn't stop his hands from shaking or his chest from heaving as he thought about what had just occurred. He couldn't move his legs, couldn't feel them, in fact he could feel nothing other than pain throughout his whole body. He couldn't even feel Mac's gentle touch on his shoulder as she spoke.
Mac saw his face go white and contort with pain. "Harm?" she asked, sensing his fear. "What is it? What can I do?" She leaned over to touch his shoulder.
"I can't move it!" he said, almost in a panic from the fear and the pain.
She started to rub his shoulder. "Can't move what?" she asked, concerned wife leaving and crisis manager arriving.
"My leg" he said through gritted teeth as the pain refused to let up. "God, Mac, I can't move it!"
"Harm, its stuck underneath you" she told him, assessing his position, mind working running down a list of endless causes for his sudden paralysis. She had to get him flat and more importantly she had to get him calm. "I'm going to straighten it out, and you are going to calm down" she replied, as she moved awkwardly positioned leg out from underneath him.
"I can't" he said, "I can't move it, Mac, I can't...Oh GOD Mac, they're numb! I can't feel anything...I dunno why..." he cried as she pulled his leg from beneath his body and straightened it out on the bed. His body was still shaking, and it was all he could do to breathe at that moment. The pain in his back was worse than ever before.
Mac had to get him calmed down if she was going to assess the problem. "Try and breathe more slowly, slow and deep and try to answer me." She leaned over him so her face was right next to his ear. "Can you feel your legs?"
He heard her instructions, and concentrated with all that was in him to obey. When he did, though, the worst realization in the universe hit him. "No" he said, beginning to break down and cry, pain still coursing through his entire body. "I can't feel them, Mac. I...can't. What's happening…I…?"
"I don't know yet" she replied, her mind recalling her very early corps training when she was taught how to assess a spinal injury. If the patient cannot feel the presence of an appendage on its own, try stimuli. All the while, Mac's heart broke at the tears on his face. She wasn't sure if it was pain or fear or a combination of the two, all she knew was she had to keep her cool now, like he always did for her. "Okay" she said. "Can you feel this?" she asked taking her finger nail and running it over his leg.
"No" he whispered as the tears continued to fall. "Oh my God, Mac...what'd I do...?" As he lay there in agony, he couldn't stop the thoughts racing through his mind: what had he done when he rolled over? Why couldn't he feel anything in his legs? Would he ever feel them again? Never in his life had he been so scared.
Mac rubbed his arm, she could feel him shaking under her touch. "Harm, listen to me. Think...did you feel anything different in your back when you moved? A pinch, a pop, a..."
"I don't know" he choked out. Before he could answer further, Mattie came bounding down the stairs, having heard his exclamations through her closed bedroom door.
"What's wrong?" she asked, standing in the master bedroom doorway.
"Mattie, please go back upstairs. Get Ainsley and go upstairs, now" Mac ordered. She was too worried about Harm to explain this.
Mattie ran into the nursery and grabbed her baby sister, who'd been awakened by Harm's outburst. Returning to her parents' doorway, she asked once more what was happening.
"Can I help?" she begged. "Do I need to call 911?"
"No, not yet" Mac replied. "You're helping by taking care of Ainsley. Harm's just in a lot of pain, he moved wrong" she fibbed. "I'll ask you to help if I need you, but please...go back upstairs. When he's better I'll come up and talk to you."
"Okay" said Mattie, knowing there was more to the story than Mac was letting on, and also knowing that this was no time for argument. She carried Ainsley upstairs, and together the girls sat on Mattie's bed and cried.
Mac turned her attention back to Harm. "It didn't pinch or pop?" she asked again.
"No." His voice was a haunting shadow of its normal self. "I'm scared, Mac...I'm so scared..."
"Harm" Mac sighed. "I know that, but I can't try to find out what's wrong unless you cooperate with me. I know you can do that now please think. "Did the pain get worse before you lost feeling?" she asked, her voice steady even though her throat burned with tears.
He tried to remember as the pain was still running rampant within him. "I think so" he said, swallowing hard in a futile effort to keep the tears inside.
"Okay, did you feel a knot or a cramp?" she asked him all the while rubbing his arm, keeping contact with his eyes as she spoke.
He took a deep breath, still concentrating on remembering what he had or hadn't felt. "A...a cramp" he said.
"Okay" Mac replied. "You felt the cramp, then did you lose feeling?"
"Yeah" he said. "Help me, Mac. Please. Please..." He lost what little control he had and his tears came pouring out. "I still can't feel them...I'm...I'm...never gonna walk again...Oh my God, I'll never walk again..."
"Ssh" she hushed him. "Don't you say that" she scolded. "Now, let see if I can find the cramp. Is it near the bad disc?" she asked.
"I can't walk...I can't..." he cried, not hearing her question. "Fix it, Mac! Fix it!"
"Harm, I can't fix it if you won't calm down and answer my questions, this isn't helping anyone" she told him firmly. "I know you're scared, and I am too, but listen," she paused in her speech so Harm could hear their baby girls cries of terror. "If you don't try and settle down, I can't do anything. Now look at me and tell me if the cramp is anywhere near the bad discs?"
He nodded his head ever so slightly as he bit his lower lip.
Mac moved out of his line of vision and touched the place where the spasm was. "Here?"
"Yeah" he answered. "Why can't I feel my legs, Mac?"
"I don't know, Baby," she answered. "There's a huge spasm here, like I get in my arm when I play too much tennis. I"m going to try and rub it out for five minutes. If you don't get some feeling back in that time, I'm going to call 911. Okay?"
"Kay" he said in nearly a whisper.
She placed her hands on the spasm in his back and started rubbing, pressing in on the muscle and pulling outward to relieve the knot, all the while asking him romantic questions. "Tell me Harm" she said. "When did you first realize you were in love with me?"
"Oh, shit, that hurts!" he cried. "Stop, Mac! Stop!" he begged, but she did what she had to do.
"I can't stop, Harm" she replied. "Just answer me. Try not to think about it."
Much easier said than done, but he dug down deep and tried to find a way. "I...I think it was...the...the first case we worked together...I..."
She pulled down and away from the injury. "Likely Flyboy. You what?"
"I...I knew that you were the one...you've always been the one, Mac." He was breathing heavily, and part of him was almost praying for death as the torturous exercise pressed on.
"And you've always been the one for me" she replied. "Deep breath" she ordered as she pulled on the muscle again, feeling it loosen under her fingers as she smoothed in up towards his neck. "Anything yet?" she asked. It had been three minutes twenty nine seconds.
"Lotta pain" he answered, his jaw clenched.
"No feeling?" she asked.
"No" he said, feeling the fear swell up inside him again. "Mac, help me, please, oh God, you've gotta help me...I can't...I can't live like this, Mac..." He'd lost virtually all capacity for rational thought. His body hurt so badly he didn't know what to say. The tiny voices in the back of his mind, the ones which had been whispering to him that he'd never again stand on his own two feet, never chase after his toddler as she discovered all the things in the world around her, never know the joy of literally walking his daughters down the aisle on their wedding days, were now screaming those very things at him. He felt like he was drowning in every imaginable way.
Mac continued to manipulate the spasmed muscle under her hands. She could feel the perspiration on his body, he was ice cold from fear and shock. "Harm, don't say that," she told him. "We are going to fix this, I promise" she told him and pulled to the right.
He heard her with his ears, but his heart was just certain to the contrary.
"Do you want me to call the ambulance?" she asked as she made a deep circle against the cramp.
"No" he cried. "No, just fix it, Mac...please..."
"I'm trying but I can only do so much" she replied. "Either way I want you to go to Bethesda tomorrow morning." She pulled down on the spasm.
He felt a surge of intense heat rush through his legs, as if someone had set them ablaze. "Ah!" he gasped, taking in all the air his lungs could hold. He grabbed a hold of his pillow, gripping it with all his strength as his legs continued to burn. He wanted to cry out, wanted to scream bloody murder. He had all the words, but he lacked the ability to use them.
"Harm, what's wrong?" Mac asked him abandoning his massage and rushing to look into his eyes. "What did I do wrong? Is the pain worse?"
He stared at her, his body trembling as the burning sensation in his legs wagered on.
"Harm, are you all right?" she asked him fearing the pain was sending him into some kind of cardiac episode. "Can you breathe?"
He nodded, panic stricken as he forced himself to speak. "Yeah...but it hurts, Mac...legs hurt..."
"Your legs hurt?" she echoed. "You can feel them?"
Her question hit him like a truck. He could feel his legs. He could feel his legs! "Y...yeah, I can!" he said, a very brief smile appearing on his face before the pain squelched it.
"Aching or burning?" she asked him moving down towards his legs.
"Burning" he said, breathing hard and heavy. "Like fire...oh God, it hurts...but I feel it!"
"Good, feeling is very good," she told him. "I'm going to rub your legs a bit and get the blood circulating, is one worse than the other?"
"'Bout the same" he said, beginning to breathe just a little easier despite his heart still trying to beat out of his chest.
"I'll start with the left leg" she told him. "You are going to need another bath, Sweetheart. You're soaked. Are you cold? She gently began rubbing his legs, first left then right, up and down and then in soothing circles.
"Haven't thought about being cold" he said, sounding as if he was trying to catch his breath after running 100 miles uphill.
"I'm sure you haven't" she replied relaxing herself now that he had the feeling back. "But are you?"
"Actually...yeah" he said, resting his head on his pillow as he finally felt his heartbeat slow.
"Okay" she crooned allowing the concerned wife to return now. "How are the legs? Still burning? Can I stop rubbing now?"
"Mm-hmm" he said, "you can stop. It still hurts, but its better."
She ceased the massage and pulled the blankets up over his body. "How about I get your hot pack and we put that on, then we can roll you over and prop you with pillows. Do you want a cloth for your face?" she asked.
"Please" he said, staring at the wall across the room.
Mac went into the bathroom and got a cool cloth. She dabbed at his face and his shoulders and neck with it. "How does that feel?" she asked.
"Really good" he said. "That was horrible, Mac. I've never- hey, is she still crying up there?" He stopped speaking and listened carefully to see if Ainsley was indeed still crying in Mattie's room.
"Yeah" she sighed. "I think she was just a scared as we were. I'm going to have to tell Mattie what happened, Harm and then I'm going to let her and Ainsley come and see you're alright."
"Aw, babe" he said, "I don't want them to see me like this." He felt terrible that his girls were so upset, but he knew seeing him in his current state likely wouldn't help the matter.
"Honey, they are going to need to see you are alright" Mac told him. "How about we roll you over and prop you up, then I'll talk to Mattie while you cool off, and once they are settled, we need to talk about what happened."
"That'll work, I guess" he said. "I'm a mess, huh?" he asked with a tired smile.
"You're damp" she sighed. "Relax, try to rest. I'm going to roll you, just lie still."
It took Mac very little effort to roll Harm over, and thankfully it only caused him a quick gasp this time. Once she had him on his back she set his pillows under his knees, thighs, hips, and finally neck.
"How's that?" she asked tucking the sheets around him.
"Ohhh...that's better" he sighed. "That one under my neck makes all the difference in the world, babe."
"And you didn't want it there at first" she smiled. "Pain gone?"
"No, but compared to what it was, it's a hell of a lot better" he said.
"I'm glad" she smiled. "If you are all right for now, our little girls need me."
"Go on" he said softly. "I'm okay now."
Mac climbed the steps. Normally she would have rushed but she was still too upset and scared. If she touched Ainsley now, the little girl would only cry harder. Harm had scared her that night, he was in such pain and she couldn't do anything to help him Then the thing with his legs, what if that had been it, one simple movement? What if he'd never been able to walk again? What if it wasn't over? What if one day those horrible minutes became reality? Could he live with that? Could she?
Mattie heard footsteps coming up the stairs and figured Mac was coming to talk with her. She held Ainsley close and continued walking from one end of her room to the other, trying to calm the fussy baby to no avail. What had happened to their dad? Why did it happen? Why was Mac so insistent that she not stay downstairs or help in any way? The unanswered questions made her cry even harder as the footsteps grew louder.
Mac reached Mattie's room and pushed open the door. She saw the teen trying to calm her tiny charge, tears on her own face. "Come here, sweetie" Mac instructed, and opened her arms to Mattie.
"What happened to him?" cried Mattie as she accepted Mac's open arms.
Mac held her for a minute then kissed her temple. "Let me have her and you go sit on the bed" she told her, taking Ainsley once she pulled away from Mattie. "Then we'll talk."
Mattie handed the baby to her mother, and then took a seat on her bed, wiping her tears away with both hands. Mac cradled Ainsley close, whispering into her tiny ears in an effort to soothe her. Almost immediately, the infant nestled into Mac's embrace and turned her head inward, looking for her one true source of comfort.
"Aww, is that what you want, baby?" she asked. "Let's do that" she cooed. "It's okay." Mac adjusted her shirt so that Ainsley nurse. Withthe baby finallycalming, Mac looked at Mattie. "How you doing there, Kiddo?"
"Terrible" said Mattie, beginning to cry again. "I've never seen him like that."
"Me neither, Honey," Mac replied stroking Ainsley's head. "I'm sorry I was yelling at you down there."
"I wanted to help" sobbed the red-haired girl. "I wanted to do something for him."
"Mattie, can you tryto stop crying?" Mac asked gently. "Then I can tell you what was happening down there."
She nodded her head and took a few deep breaths before looking at Mac. "Go ahead" she said. "Tell me."
"Well, as you know Harm isn't supposed to be moving around a whole lot" Mac told her. "And when he does it hurts him pretty badly. Well, he had to get cleaned up a bit so we decided that it would be easier on him if I helped him bathe in bed. Are you with me so far?"
"Yeah."
"At first it went fine" continued Mac, "he wasn't hurting too badly, but when he went to roll over he...I'm not sure what happened, I think his back spasmed and pressed on his spinal nerve, but anyway he couldn't move or feel his legs." Macteared up as she remembered the pain and fear.
"Oh God" said Mattie, "is he better? Can he feel them now?"
"He's better now" Mac replied. "He can feel his legs and he's resting. But we don't know if this was an isolated incident or not." Mac told her.
"Did you call the doctor?" asked Mattie, gently rubbing the baby's little foot.
"No" Mac replied. "Harm and I have to talk about how to proceed" Mac replied. "You know Harm."
"Uh, yeah, you could say that" laughed Mattie. "He's got to do something though; he can't have this kind of pain all the time."
"The doctor he saw yesterday said if he rested this week he should be alright" Mac sighed. "Still, I want a pilot's specialist to take a look at him." Ainsley's little mouth stopped suckling on Mac, but she remained attached and alert.
"I do, too" said Mattie. "He told me not too long after we met that he had a bad back, I just never know how bad until now. What brought it on, any idea?"
"He took a really bad step off a gangplank in Texas" Mac answered. "That was probably it. He never told me his back was bad." She looked down at Ainsley, who was watching her with wide eyes.
"Ouch!" said Mattie, cringing at the thought of how badly that step must have hurt her dad. "He wasn't hurting the whole time you were there, I hope" she said. "I mean, all joking aside, you couldn't have any fun if he was in pain."
"It was the last day before we left" Mac replied. "I tried to massage it out but it got worse and worse until...Do you want to go and say goodnight to him or do you need to talk more?"
"I wanna see him" replied Mattie. "I need to see that he's really okay."
As if she knew what her mommy was asking, Ainsley looked into Mac's eyes and smiled, her blue eyes an exact copy of her daddy's.
Mac, with Ainsley in her arms and Mattie at her heels headed down to the master bedroom. "Be gentle with him" Mac warned. "He's still in a good deal of pain."
"I will be" said Mattie, not wanting to add another ounce of pain to what her dad was already feeling.
Mac had turned off the lamp before she went upstairs so the room was fairly dim. Harm was lying on the bed, at least ten pillows next to him or under him, propping up his prostrate body acting as cushioning against his pain. The sheets were pulled up over his legs, hip and part of his chest. His head was turned to the doorway, his eyes closed, his breathing even.
"I'm not surprised he's asleep after all that" she whispered to Mac. "Can I go give him a kiss?"
"Sure, just try not to wake him" Mac sighed. "He probably won't sleep long with the pain."
With a quick nod, Mattie walked quietly towards the bed where Harm lay. Holding her hair out of the way, she leaned down and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. "I love you, dad" she said. "Sleep well, you need it."
Mac took Ainsley to her crib; the baby had fallen asleep as Mac watched Mattie kiss Harm good night. Then she joined Mattie in the living room. "I'm pretty tired myself and I have to go in tomorrow so I'm going to go to bed. I was very proud of you tonight, you did as I asked and you took care of the baby. Thank you."
"You're welcome" replied Mattie. "Mac, I...I want to help you as much as I can. I know you're really stressed out right now, and I know I can't do everything for you, but please let me help with some things."
"That's sweet, honey, but taking care of Harm is something I need to do" she replied. "And Ainsley too. But I appreciate the offer."
"At least let me take care of the cooking and the laundry for you" begged Mattie. She sensed that Mac felt solely responsible for the care of her husband and baby, but the house work was something Mattie was capable of doing, hopefully, without stepping on Mac's toes.
"Okay" Mac replied realizing Mattie needed to feel useful. "Dishes and why don't you help out with diapers since Harm can't right now?"
"Sure" said Mattie. "Whatever I can do to help. Are you sure I can't take any night feedings for you? I know Harm usually takes at least one so you can sleep."
"We'll see" Mac replied. "Right now she hates bottles so I'm not sure how it would go. We'll see."
Mattie nodded. "Why don't you go on to bed? I'll make sure things are closed up down here before I head up."
"Thank you, sweetie" Mac replied. "I'm beat and I'm sure I'll have to do Harm's salve when he wakes up." She leaned over to hug Mattie and kiss her cheek. "Good night, Kiddo."
"Good night" she said. "Mac?"
"Yes?" Mac stopped and turned.
"You're a really great mom" said Mattie, "and I know you're a really great wife, too."
"Thanks, Sweetie" Mac smiled and continued towards their room wiping away a tear.
Mac sighed to herself as she got undressed, looking down at Harm who was still grimacing even in his sleep. If she could take the pain away from him by taking it on herself she would, she'd do anything to end his suffering, even if the doctors said it would only be temporary.
The episode before had shaken her to the core. For those brief minutes she had visions of a life with Harm imprisoned in a wheelchair, never flying again, never walking again, never dancing with her again, never making love to her again. She knew he had those same fears.
Once Mac was undressed she gently and easily slipped into bed beside her husband. She slipped her arm around his waist and leaned over to place a gentle kiss on his lips, "Get well, Sailor" she whispered. "I love you."
With those soft words, she lay her head on his shoulder and let his heart beat lull her to sleep.
A/N: Harm's panicked episode of temporary paralysis is based on a real-life experience (not mine personally!), and is written as true-to-life as possible. Those folks waiting for a Mac/Trish reconciliation, it's coming, honest! I haven't forgotten about it, I've just got to get the story to where I want it first, that's all. :)