Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be, how sad is that?
A/N: Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed Chapter 74! Since it took me forever to get that one posted, here's a bonus posting this weekend. :) Thanks once more to LadyCommish for her help throughout. I know these last several chapters have taken a step away from the infertility issue that the story is grounded in, but rest assurred that will come up again very shortly. I'm taking the Rabb's through some "real life" experiences in addition to their infertility, just because I wanted to give the story a little different twist and explore their lives after they said "I do". I know the back pain chapters have been pretty intense and emotional, but I hope they've been interesting!
A word of advice for this chapter: think "open mind"!
Six Months Later
An exhausted Mac carried Harm's supper tray into their room. She'd made grilled cheese and tomato soup again, something that was easy for him to eat at his now permanent 45 degree angle, and easy for her to prepare after work and still have time to play with a now very mobile Ainsley.
"Soup's on, sweetie" she smiled at him as she brought the tray to his bed.
"Oh, thanks" he replied with a smile. She'd adapted as well to their new way of life as anyone could have, and he seemed to fall deeper in love with her each day.
She sat down beside him as he began to eat. "How is it today?" she asked, taking a bite of her soup.
"About the same" he answered, taking a bite of his sandwich. "I'm looking forward to it being a thing of the past. I'm so tired of eating every meal in bed, of being stuck in here all the time, of not being able to do anything like I used to..."
"Well, after tomorrow this will all seem like a terrible dream" she comforted. "I asked Harriet to take care of Ainsley for the day. I don't want to have to keep up with herthe hospital."
"Definitely not" said Harm. "You don't need to have to keep up with her. You'll have enough to worry about. Did my mom call you today?"
"She did" Mac replied. "She can't make it out until day after tomorrow, but she'll be here to help me out while you're in rehab."
"Will she? That's great" said Harm. "Are you planning to keep Ainsley at the day care those couple of weeks you're off?"
"Only half days" she replied. "I'll leave her there when the therapist is here, but after he goes I'll bring her home. She's getting kind of hard to corral so I don't want her getting in the way."
He nodded as he swallowed a mouthful of soup. "She's into everything; I swear in another week she'll be running through this place like she's training for the Boston Marathon." His smile faded noticeably as he thought about all the moments in his daughter's life that he was stuck on the sidelines for.
"And after some therapy you'll be there to chase her" Mac smiled. "You're going to be fine Harm. Just fine, you'll see. You have to be."
"What if I'm not?" he asked, the pain of such a devastating possibility weighing heavily on him. "What if I don't get any better? What if I get worse?"
"That's not going to happen" Mac said confidently. "Anyway, how much worse can it get?"
"I could be like this forever!" he said, wondering how she could be so carefree about such a major operation.
"I doubt that" Mac sighed. "They said if they can't repair the disc they'll just block the nerve, and then you'd have no more pain."
"Yeah, and no more feeling from the waist down, Mac!" he exclaimed. "I'd be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life; I'd never stand up or walk or run or anything again! Ainsley would get to look forward to her dad rolling down the aisle at her wedding instead of walking her like every girl dreams of, and you could kiss any hope of a normal sex life goodbye!"
"We haven't had a normal sex life for six months, Harm" Mac replied. "Anyway, its not going to happen."
He looked at her, his blue eyes full of fear. "Keep saying that, Mac. I need to hear it over and over. Please keep telling me everything is going to be okay."
She leaned over and placed a butterfly kiss on his nose. "Its going to be okay. And there is a bright side you know, even if you end up in a chair."
"Oh, yeah? What's that?" he asked, already feeling better from that little kiss.
"At least then you can get out of this bed, take a real shower, go outside again" she told him. "We can plop Ainsley on your lap and go to the park together as a family, go see a movie, we can even take her to Disney World. Like this..." she gestured to his prostrate position, "we can't do any of those things."
He sighed deeply. "True. Very true. Still though, I'm...I'd rather not think about having to do that. We need to stay positive and focus on the likelihood that the operation will be a complete success and I can get back to the way life was before all this."
She reached out and caressed his cheek. "Then let's do that. How about you finish up and I'll give Ainsley her bath, then you can sit with her and read her a story, how does that sound?"
"Wonderful, babe" he replied, taking another bite of his sandwich.
Mac left Harm to finish eating, bathed the baby, then did some work while Harm read to her and lulled her to sleep. Mac took a break from working to put Ainsley down and give Harm his bath, something that had long since lost its romantic notion. By the time she had him settled and finished the work she'd brought home it was nearing 2300.
She was exhausted by the time she got into bed beside Harm, who'd been sleeping a lot more as his situation grew more precarious. She knew how tired even the slightest movement made him, and how tapped his strength could become from the high dosage of pain medication.
She lay beside him and nestled close, as she'd done every night since he'd first been put on bed rest back in January, and tried to sleep. As tired as she was however, sleep eluded her this night as she laid awake and worried about Harm's fate.
They checked into the hospital at 0600, and by 0800 Harm was wheeled into surgery to have the damage to his back repaired for good. Mac sat in the waiting room for hours on end waiting for word on how he had faired. Finally, at a little past 1400, a grim faced doctor appeared before her.
"How is he?" asked a very anxious Mac. "Did everything go okay?"
"Have a seat, Colonel Rabb" the doctor said to her. "We need to talk."
Something in her gut told her this wasn't good, but she did as the doctor asked and took a seat.
"He did well, considering how long he was on the table and how much anesthetic was used. In that sense, he came through with flying colors" reported Dr. Peddie, Harm's neurologist.
"What do you mean 'in that sense'?" asked Mac, feeling the tears well up. "There's bad news here, isn't there?"
"I'm afraid so" he replied gently. "Your husband's lumbar vertebrae and discs were severely compromised due to numerous ejections from his plane, as you know. We tried our best to repair them, but the swelling and cord involvement were just too severe. It was very hard to see and as we were repairing the herniation his spinal cord was nicked. I'm sorry."
Mac sat in complete silence, her face devoid of any expression as her mind tried to register what she'd just been told. "So...he...he can't walk?" she asked, swallowing hard.
"No" the doctor replied simply. "Damage to the spinal nerve at this level will result in complete paralysis of all areas below the waist, legs, hips,everything. He should be awake soon, would you like us to tell him or would you like to be the one?" Dr. Peddie asked knowing the husbands never wanted to tell their wives, but the wives usually wanted to tell their husbands.
"I'll tell him" she said, digging deep in search of her Marine resolve. "He should hear it from me."
"You can sit with him until he wakes up" the doctor told her. "I'll take you back."
Mac grabbed her purse and sweater and followed beside the doctor, feeling like this must all be some sort of sick joke, a nightmare she'd wake up from at any moment.
Only it wasn't. She knew that the minute she saw Harm lying in the bed. This was it, she thought. This was how it would be...and she'd have to deal with it.
She sat by Harm's side for two hours, thinking how she could possibly tell him something like this. If only he'd sleep forever, then she wouldn't have to. She was lost in thought until she heard Harm's moan and felt his hand move in hers.
"Harm?" she said softly leaning over. "Harm, can you hear me?"
He tried to open his eyes, but it seemed his eyelids weighed a million pounds a piece. He tried to speak, but his mouth had never been so dry before. All he could do to indicate he could hear her was to move his hand within hers.
"Do you want some ice chips?" she asked him, reaching for the cup. "Squeeze my hand if you do."
He did as she asked, though it was a very weak squeeze.
She spooned some chips into his mouth and caught the water the dribbled out the side of his mouth with her fingers. "How do you feel? Can you wake up more for me?"
He fought to get his eyes open, and after a few tries he managed to succeed. It was all he could do, though, to keep them from slamming shut again as the effects of the anesthesia were still very much consuming him.
"There are those beautiful eyes" she smiled. "I love you."
"Love...you" he mouthed, his voice still not cooperating.
"How do you feel?" she asked again, wanting to tell him and be done with it so they could dealwith the shock together.
"Like...hell" he whispered, his voice hoarse from the intubation.
"I'm sorry, baby" she crooned. "More ice? Or do you want to sleep again for a bit?"
"Sleep" he replied. He knew on some level that he needed to wake up, but the drugs were still making that nearly impossible, and he didn't have the strength to fight against them.
Mac sat by his side, unmoving for another three hours and forty eight minutes. It was then that he finally stirred again this time, his hand wrapped around hers with more strength.
"Harm?" Mac said when she felt his hand tighten. "Are you back, Sailor?"
"Mmm" he muttered. "Think so."
"Good" Mac replied. "How are you? Does anything hurt?"
He thought for a moment. "Not really" he answered softly. "Good drugs."
"Harm, I'm going to need you to look at me, okay?" she told him. "I have something that I need to tell you." Her voice cracked a bit on the last word.
He looked into her eyes, and the pain he saw there told him all he needed to know. "Oh no..." he whispered. "God, please, don't tell me...no..."
"They...they couldn't fix it Harm. They...your spinal cord was...damaged during the procedure and..." She couldn't finish but she really didn't have to.
He looked at the tears falling down his wife's face, and from that moment he knew their lives had been forever changed. His worst fear had been realized. The operation had failed. So what if he'd never feel that terrible pain in his back again? He'd never feel anything from the waist down again. Never. He could no longer hold his tears in check.
Mac saw Harm's tears and reached out to brush them away, "We'll get through this" she told him. "The world didn't end; it just got turned upside down a little."
Funny, he sure felt like the world had ended. "What happened?" he asked as his tears kept coming. "Why?"
"Dr. Peddie says that the disc damage and the swelling made it hard to see" she answered. "When they went to repair the herniation they hit your spinal cord and nicked it. They didn't repair the disc after that so I suppose it might still give you problems but...I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say.
"I don't know if I can do this" he cried. "Our lives..."
"You won't be alone" she told him. "I promise you that. Never."
With a nod, he focused his gaze on the pale white ceiling above his bed, and allowed the devastation to carry him off to sleep while Mac sat beside him, their hands never parting.
Fourteen days later, Mac came to take Harm home from the hospital. He'd have to return every morning for physical and occupational therapy, but he'd healed fine from the original surgery. He was depressed though, as was she, only she'd decided to take charge of her life. She couldn't live with him like this, it wasn't fair to her or to her baby, and Ainsley was of course her primary concern.
Mac sent a wheelchair crew to retrieve Harm from the hospital so she could get ready to leave as soon as she introduced him to Casey, his new live in health aid, paid for by his parents. She waited now on the sofa, her bag and Ainsley's at the ready.
When Harm arrived home and was pushed through the doorway, he gasped in surprise.
He looked over at Mac in total shock. She wouldn't. She couldn't. "What...what's this?" he asked, pointing to the two suitcases on the floor beside the sofa.
"Those are our suitcases" Mac replied rising with Ainsley on her hip. "I can't...we can't do this anymore, Harm. It's not fair to us." As if to support her mother, Ainsley looked at her Daddy and started to cry.
His heart burst into bits and pieces. "You're leaving me?" he asked as he felt the lump in his throat swell so much he almost lost his breath.
"We have to" Mac replied. "I've hired you a nurse, she can take care of you and when Ainsley's older maybe we can work out a visiting schedule, but I just can't live like this. It's not fair to me, or to her. You have to think about that."
"Not fair to you?" he asked. "What about me? You promised me you wouldn't leave! You can't leave, and you can't take my baby away from me!"
"I can and I will" Mac replied, picking up the bags. "I never promised you I wouldn't leave. I promised you wouldn't be alone and you won't be."
"God, Mac" he spat, "what about 'for better or for worse, in sickness and in health', huh? I've never needed you more than I need you right now! You can't...please, don't go!"
Mac stood up straighter, her Marine stance and started for the door. "I have to Harm. For my own sake, for our daughter." she told him. "Goodbye." With that she left him, closing the door behind her and never looking back.
"Mac, no..." he cried. "No...Please no...MAC! MAC!"
Harm woke up in a cold sweat, a pure panic, his heart racing and pain shooting through his back as he sat up with the force of his fear. He reached for his wife, but found her side of the bed empty.
"MAC!" he screamed. "MAC!"
Mac heard her husband's frantic screams and quickly detached Ainsley, who'd almost fallen asleep at her breast, laid her back into the crib and rushed down the hall to his side. "Harm!" she called. "Harm, I'm here. I'm here."
"Oh, God, Mac" he said, his body shaking as he pulled her close. "Don't leave me! Don't go! Don't take Ainsley away! We can get through this!"
"Ssh" Mac crooned starting to gently rock him. "I'm not leaving. I'm not taking Ainsley anywhere. What are you talking about?"
"I came home in a wheelchair and you were packed and you took her and you walked out the door and..." His voice trailed off as he realized he'd had a nightmare, and he remained in her embrace as he tried to calm himself.
"A wheelchair?" Mac was still baffled. "Honey, you're not in a wheelchair. You're far from it, and even so I'd never leave you, never." She tried to assure him as she rocked. "Never, I love you way too much to ever leave, silly Flyboy."
"It was so real, Mac" he said as he struggled to regain control over his breathing. "I...I had the surgery, and the doctor nicked my spinal nerve and I was paralyzed from the waist down, and you took the baby and you left me and..."
"Oh sweetie," Mac crooned to him stroking his hair as she cradled his headagainst her chest. "I would never take Ainsley from you and I'd never leave you. I can't live without you in my life, don't you know that?" She waited a moment then asked, "Did I say why I left?"
He nodded as he leaned against her. "You said it wasn't fair for you or Ainsley to live with me like that. You hired some nurse to live here and take care of me, and...and...you took the baby and never looked back. It was horrible. Seeing you two walk out the door just - oohh!" He felt a sharp stab in his lower back.
"What?" Mac asked at his gasp of pain.
"Pain, bad pain" he said. "Oh damn this hurts..."
It dawned on her then that he was sitting up, something he should not be doing. "Oh, lie back, baby" she told him, pulling back from his hold and easing him down against the pillows. "What can I do?" she asked when the spasm didn't ease with the change of position.
"Something, anything" he gasped, "just fix it, please!"
"Do you want some medication?" she asked. "You slept through your evening pain pill. Do you want that?" she asked. "Do you want to roll over and have me put the salve on -you have to tell me, sweetheart."
"Both" he said, his breathing now labored from the pain before he'd even gotten a chance to calm down from the nightmare. "Pill then rub."
"Okay, I'll go get the pill" she told him. "Try and slow down your breathing, okay? Focus and take slow deep breaths." She kept talking as she went to the bathroom, got his pills and cup of water and went back to his side. "Here, lift you head up a bit."
He followed her direction and managed to get the pill down without choking on it for a change.
"There you go" she praised. "Good job. Do you want to roll over now or wait a few minutes?"
"Now" he said. "That was stupid; I shouldn't have sat up like that."
"You had a nightmare, you were scared" Mac sympathized. "Its understandable. Need help?"
"Yeah" he said, the pain worsening by the second.
Mac assessed his position and tried to determine what would be the best way to roll him over. Finally she decided to do it by placing one hand under his hip and one on his shoulder, "Deep breath, Sailor. We go on 1-2-..." She moved him before she said three.
"Ah!" he said as he landed on his stomach. "That was about as much fun as stubbing my toe!"
"It's over now, honey" she comforted, baring his back so she could rub on the Lidocaine cream. "Is it just your back or what?"
"Yeah" he said, turning his head to his right as he lay on his pillow. "Throbbing like it was that night in the hospital."
"Not in your legs though? Is there numbness or..." She didn't know what to ask or how to help him.
He thought for a moment. "No, no numbness right now" he said. "Just a hell of a lot of pain."
She squeezed some of the cream into her hand and started on the spot she knew pained him the most. "Tell me about this nightmare, Sailor. I didn't make sense, what you were saying before."
"I had the surgery to fix this pain" he said, "so we wouldn't have to live like this anymore, and when it went sour and life got worse, you left. I should have realized it was a nightmare when I was in the midst of it - I know you'd never leave, but God, it was so real..."
"Honey, are you up to answering a question for me?" Mac asked as she worked on a tight spasm.
"Ah! Ow!" he said.
"I'm sorry, but if I leave this your legs might go out again" she replied. "Not too much longer I promise. Can you answer my question or no?"
"Sure" he said, "ask away."
"Are you afraid?" she asked matter of factly.
"Of what, babe?" he asked, wincing as she hit a sensitive spot.
"Of this" she lightly touched his back. "Are you afraid of this being forever?"
With a deep sigh, he replied. "Honestly, yeah. Probably more so than I even realized based on that nightmare."
"Do you really think..." She wanted to ask him if she thought she'd really be so cruel, but she stopped.
"No, I don't really think you'd leave me" he said gently, "over this or anything else. Still, it scares me to think that as I get older, this could happen more and more often."
"Not if you get it fixed, honey. There's an excellent neurologist at Bethesda, Dr. Bryan Peddie who..."
"How did you know about him?" asked Harm in a bit of a panic. "I didn't tell you his name - how did you know it was him?"
"I looked him up on the internet" Mac replied. "He's a civilian but he works with pilots who have back injuries...Why? Did you hear something bad about him?"
"No, no, nothing like that" said Harm. "He was the doctor in my nightmare. It's just kinda freaky that he's the doctor you found, that's all. Is he supposed to be good?"
"He's supposed to be the best" she replied. "I think you should get an appointment with him." She moved her hands back over his lower right side, pressing in to see if the cream had started to work.
"Probably so" he agreed. "The doctor I saw a couple years ago, he said I could look into having the surgery at that time, but the more he and I talked about it we felt it wasn't a pressing matter because the pain wasn't this bad. Now though, I've got you and the baby and Mattie, I really don't want this to happen again."
"Should I call him in the morning?" Mac asked softly. "I don't want to live like this if we don't have to."
"Me either, babe" he concurred. "Call him; see what we need to do to get in."
"Okay" she replied. "I think you're good. Feel any better?"
"Starting to" he said as the cream and the pill began to take effect. "How's Ainsley doing tonight?"
"She's good. I have to go and finish with her. I haven't burped her and if I don't her little belly will hurt. Should I bring her in here?" Mac asked.
"Yeah, that'd be great" he said. "I miss her, you know?"
"Miss her how?" Mac replied.
"I know she's here and all" he said, "but we were gone for a week and then as soon as we got back she was sick, and by the time we got her home my back put me out of commission. I just miss holding her and playing with her, giving her that midnight bottle - all the 'daddy things'."
"Well, I'll bring her in here now and you can play with her hands a bit after she burps, she loves that. Then tomorrow night, I promise I'll bring her in for a bottle before bed, okay?" Mac told him.
"Okay, babe" he said with a smile.
"I'll be right back" she assured him and left to get their baby girl.
Two minutes later, Mac and Ainsley, who was beginning to fuss, were back at Harm's side. "Say, hi daddy" Mac told the little girl.
"Hi, beautiful girl" said Harm, his smile beaming at the sight of his daughter. "Why the sad face, hmm?"
"Say, I didn't burp yet, daddy" Mac whispered to the baby. "But Mommy's gonna fix it, yes she is." Mac cooed as she began to pat the baby's back, keeping her over her forearm so Harm could see her.
"Were you feeding her when I woke up?" he asked.
"Yes," Mac replied. "That's why I wasn't here beside you to chase that bad dream away. Tell daddy, we're not going anywhere" Mac said toAinsley.
"I know you're not, baby girl" said Harm, wanting to reach out and touch her toes, but thinking better of it considering he was still lying on his stomach. Instead, he just smiled at her, marveling at how much she looked like both himself and Mac.
"Are you going to burp for me or not?" Mac asked Ainsley after five straight minutes of back-patting. No sooner had she finished that quandry than she heard an unmistakable sound, followed by an unmistakable feeling of sour milk all over her feet. Ainsley had just spit up everything in her tummy, all over her mother.
"Oh, Mac, she just-" began Harm, wishing he could sit up and help with the situation.
"I know, she spit up all over me" sighed Mac. "This is disgusting..."
"Want me to hold her while you clean up?" he asked.
"If you can flip, you can cuddle" she told him. "Do you feel up to trying?"
"For the chance to cuddle, you bet" he said, the light in his smile shining like it always did when he thought about his little girl. Bracing himself on his forearms, he carefully pushed up off of the mattress and rolled to his left, eventually landing in the middle of the bed on his back. "That sucked!" he exclaimed once it was over.
"Legs?" she asked worried after the last time.
"Feeling good" he answered. "Stiff and sore, but not on fire. May I have my baby now?"
"Sure you can" Mac cooed. "Here, pumpkin, go to Daddy," she told Ainsley and laid her on Harm's chest.
"There's my girl" he said as he kissed the top of her little head. "I haven't seen you nearly enough since that wedding, sweet girl. No, I sure haven't. We'll fix that, though. Yeah, we'll start having some playtime, just you and me. That sound okay?" Ainsley looked at Harm and smiled. He felt his heart melt.
Mac went to the bathroom to clean up from her "Ainsley bath", and get a rag to wipe the floor. By the time she returned to the bathroom to rinse the rag out, the baby was starting to cry.
"See, baby girl" said Harm softly as he tried to soothe Ainsley's fussiness. "This is why you're not supposed to spit up. That milk doesn't do you any good unless you keep it in your tummy. Where is your mommy, hmm?"
"I'm here" Mac sighed. "Hungry again, hmm? Do you want to try and give her a bottle?"
"I can try" he said. "If not, you can have her back. Do we even have any bottles right now?"
"I think I did two" she replied. "I'll go see."
Mac quickly went to the kitchen to get Ainsley her bottle, and found two of them in the freezer. She warmed it, then brought it back so that Harm could try to feed the fussy baby. "Here we go" she smiled and handed him the milk.
He took the bottle from Mac, and once he had Ainsley cradled in his arms, he put it to her mouth. She took hold of the nipple, sucked exactly three times and spit it out, howling. He tried once more, only this time as soon as the rubber touched her lips, she arched her little back and squirmed in any way she could think of to get away from it.
"Somehow, I don't see this working just yet" said Harm.
"No, me neither" Mac sighed. "We tried. She's still not a big fan of her bottles, plus I've been nursing her exclusively for the past few days" she sighed. "Scoot over a bit?"
He nodded, setting the bottle between his legs and carefully scooting over on the bed to make room for Mac.
Macsnuggled in next to Harm and began to undothebuttons on her night shirt. "I want to snuggle with my husband and my baby at the same time" she told him, reaching out to take Ainsley from her daddy.
Harm nestled close beside his wife as the baby nursed contentedly. "She didn't want anything to do with that bottle" he said. "Silly girl." He rubbed his index finger gently over Ainsley's cheek, brushing against the top of Mac's breast just a little. He looked over at her. "I could sit and watch you do this all day."
"So could I" she sighed and stifled a yawn. "I hate that I have to leave you tomorrow."
"I hate it, too" he said. "Comes with the job though; we both know that. At least you get..." He paused for a giant yawn. "You get to work half days, that'll help."
"Getting sleepy huh?" she asked. "Close your eyes. I'll be in as soon as I put her down."
"I wish I wasn't sleepy" he said. "I'd love to just sit here with you and watch this...but, I'm drained, babe."
"You'll see it plenty" she said with another yawn of her own. "Don't fight it, my love."
He leaned his head against her shoulder, closed his eyes and within moments was fast asleep.
Mac tipped her head to place a kiss on Harm's head. "Sleep well, Babe" she whispered to him, wishing that he'd find peace this time as he rested. She looked down at Ainsley ,whose little eyes were getting heavy. "Getting sleepy baby girl?" she asked.
Ainsley looked up in response to her mother's voice, and as if to respond to her let her little eyes close, her little mouth going slack around Mac's nipple. Mac disconnected the baby and closed the front of her night shirt, snuggling her little one close for just a minute promising her, "I'm going to make sure daddy gets all better." Mac tilted Ainsley up and kissed her forehead.
Mac only planned to sit and snuggle Ainsley for a minute before taking her back to the crib, but as she sat there feeling content with her husband resting against her shoulder and her daughter against her chest, she herself succumbed to sleep.
A/N: See, it was all just a bad dream - I could NEVER write Mac leaving Harm for real! (You can all put down the rotten tomatoes and call off the tarring and feathering, lol!) Oh yes, to Wrestkelly: nope, Mac's not pregnant, but keep watching to see when, how or even if that particular subject comes up again soon... ;) To those asking for some "good news" to befall the Rabb's - it's coming, I promise!