A/N: Thanks for the reviews - you all are the best:) I hope long chapters are to your liking, because here's another one!
Chapter 77:
Harm had arrived home, and the medics had helped him back to bed. The pain from the exam had dissipated and he was back to feeling tired, but relatively relaxed.
"Honey!" Mac called.
"In here!" he answered.
"Pizza's here" she called. "Where's Mattie?"
"Over at her friend's house" he called back.
"How are you feeling?" she hollered, placing Ainsley in her seat and getting plates for the pizza.
"Better" he replied.
"Good" Mac replied, her voice getting closer. "Two slices to start with and a Sprite work for you?" she asked, bringing him the tray.
"Ooh, that looks great" he said. "I'm actually hungry tonight. Where's Ainsley?"
"In the living room" Mac replied. "I'm going to get her and my pizza."
Mac returned to the living room, took two slices of the meat lovers half of their pizza, picked up the baby and made her way back to the bedroom. She set down the pizza first, then lay Ainsley on her tummy next to Harm.
"Hi, precious girl" he said. "You did so good with those bottles today, didn't you?"
"She did" Mac replied.
"Does this mean we can stop doing them at home?" he asked, taking a big bite of his pizza.
"As far as working to make her take them again" Mac replied, "yeah, but where night time feedings are concerned, once you're able again, you're still on."
"That's good" he said with a smile. "I actually like doing those."
"You know who I ran into today at the pizza shop?" Mac asked.
He shook his head, taking a drink of his soda.
"Dr. Kendall" Mac told him, biting her pizza. "He just gushed over Ainsley."
"Did he?" replied Harm. "She's grown a little since he saw her last."
"A little?" Mac laughed. "Try a lot; anyway he and I had a nice chat."
Harm took another bite of his pizza. "What'd you talk about?" he asked, knowing her answer could cover any number of things.
"Well, we talked about Ainsley and how she's doing, we talked about you, and we talked about...possibilities…" Mac replied.
"You know, we never did get back to that discussion" he said, "the one we started and decided to table until I felt better."
"Well, you aren't feeling better so it can stay tabled" Mac replied, taking a sip of her soda.
"Actually" he said, "I'd really like to talk about it later tonight. I'm not in the best physical condition to do much of anything, but mentally I'm doing pretty well, all things considered, and I'd like to talk about this."
"Alright, as long as you're up to it" she replied. "Let's talk."
"Tonight" he said, reaching for his soda, "after the kids are in bed and everything is quiet. I don't want any distractions if we can help it."
Mac didn't say anything, just took a bite of her pizza and thought about what Dr. Kendall had said that afternoon.
"She's watching you, babe" he said to Mac as Ainsley's little eyes followed her mothers every move.
Mac smiled at the baby but remained silent, too emotional to speak. She instead waved two fingers at Ainsley, who smiled in response.
"Hey" he said softly, recognizing that when his wife was that quiet, it meant she was on the verge of tears. "Mac, please don't get upset about this. We'll talk tonight, and I'll listen to every single word you say and we'll talk through everything, I promise."
"We didn't really talk about having her" Mac sighed, going to pick up her baby and hold her close. "At least, not like we have to talk about the next one."
"Sure we did" he said. "We talked about whether we were sure we wanted to do whatever it took to have her. We knew it'd probably be a tough road to travel, and I remember some pretty serious talks before we started trying. You don't remember those, babe?"
"I do but...all along the decision was a given, we both knew that" Mac replied." We both knew after my accident that we finally wanted it all, and she's part of that." Mac kissed the baby on the forehead.
"She's a big part of that" agreed Harm, "but I can tell that you're already pretty upset over trying again and everything that we have to talk through before we get to that point, and I hate to see you like that."
"I can't help how I feel, Harm" she said. The stress and tension of the past few days were grating on her.
Harm sighed. "Let's save this for tonight" he calmly suggested. "I'll gladly listen to everything you want to tell me about your talk with Dr. Kendall and your ideas and feelings and anything else you care to share, but let's hold off for a few hours. This is supposed to be our 'happy time' with each other and with the baby, right?"
Mac sighed. "Yeah, it is." She sat down with Ainsley on her lap. "She really is happy today."
"Yeah" he agreed. "Has her teacher said how her temperament has been this week?"
"Aside from yesterday when she was angry, they've said she's more animated than she had been. She smiles at one of the aide's all the time now" Mac replied.
"Good" he said. "After what she went through last week, she deserves to be happy and feel good again; we all do."
"You can say that again" Mac sighed as Ainsley pitched on her lap. She was going for the cup on the table. "Easy, baby" Mac told her before turning away to grab her napkin.
"Careful, she's gonna spill..." Before he could finish his sentence, Ainsley managed to grab Mac's cup and pull it towards her, spilling the contents all over herself, her mother and the bed.
"Oh, Ainsley, baby" Mac said. "No, no." Then to Harm, "I'm going to have to change the bed."
"I wish I could help" he said. "You don't need anything extra to do."
"You can help" Mac replied. "You can sort of sit in the chair with your legs up and clean this baby up" Mac replied. "I'll change the bed and then you can play with her while I shower. My legs are all sticky."
"Okay, sure" he said. "Can you help me get into the chair and then bring me a diaper and her jammies?"
"Sure can" Mac replied. "Let me get another chair from the kitchen first so you can keep your legs up."
"Want me to hold her or you just want to put her on the floor?" he asked.
"You can hold her, she's getting that look" Mac replied referring to the look Ainsley got when she was about to be very upset.
"Come here, sweetheart" he said to his daughter as he saw the look on her face. "That soda was cold stuff, huh?"
Ainsley gave a little cough then start to whimper, her little lip sticking out. Mac snuck out of the room to go and get a chair for Harm, along with the baby's things.
"Daddy misses being able to play airplane with you" he said to the little one as he waited for Mac to return. "Daddy misses a lot of things." Ainsley looked at her daddy and smiled, waving her hands about. Harm smiled; he loved seeing his little girl so happy.
"Here we are, Sailor" Mac said setting down the kitchen chair and Ainsley's things. "Let's get daddy over here so I can clean up after you, silly girl."
"She's all sticky" said Harm, handing the baby over to Mac.
"Soda will do that" Mac laughed "Put her down on the bed; I'm going to help you first."
With a nod, he laid Ainsley down in the middle of the bed and began to move himself into a sitting position.
"Go easy" Mac warned. "We don't want to anger that back any."
Carefully, slowly he turned to move his legs over the side. "Ouch..." he muttered.
"Maybe you shouldn't be moving" Mac rethought her earlier idea. "I can just soak up the soda. Do you want to stop?"
"No" he said, "once it dries the sheets will get all stiff. I'm okay; I just have to be careful."
"Lean on me then" she told him and held her hands out to him so he could lever himself up. "Stop if it hurts too badly."
"I will" he assured her, gripping her hands and moving a little at a time until he was standing upright.
Mac noticed Harm was putting a lot of weight on her, but she said nothing of that. She simply asked, "Okay?"
"Mm-hmm" he said, "let's just get me sitting down again."
"Keep holding on to me, and take it slow" Mac said. "Little steps."
It took a couple minutes of very careful walking to get him over to the chair, but he made it.
"I'm really not supposed to be sitting up" he said, "but I don't guess a few minutes will make much difference."
"Honey?" Mac said in a questioning tone.
"Yeah?" he replied.
"Is it getting worse?" she asked this only based on how he was walking. He done much better this morning.
"Starting to" he answered. "It's not all that bad yet, though."
"You were walking funny" Mac said moving to get the chair she was going to use to elevate his legs while she changed the bed.
He smiled. "You try getting your legs to cooperate after hardly using them at all for 5 days."
"Lift your legs, sweetie" said Mac.
He tried, but the pain was too much. "You're gonna have to lift them for me."
Mac reached and put the pillow and the chair first, then put her arm beneath his knees and as quickly as she could, she lifted his legs.
He held his breath as she got him settled. "That wasn't too terrible" he said.
"I tried to be quick" Mac replied laying a blanket gently over his legs before moving to get Ainsley. "Okay, sticky girl...time to go to daddy and get all clean."
"Can you strip her and change her diaper?" he asked. "I can get her dressed, but she wiggles too much to change her diaper in my lap."
"Sure" Mac replied and laid the baby back down on the bed to do a quick diaper change. "You're going to have to wipe her off too, honey" added Mac. "She's got soda all over herself."
"Why don't you take her into the shower with you?" he suggested. "She could probably use a good soaping off."
"Okay" Mac replied and handed him the baby with just her diaper on. "Play while I change the bed."
"Gladly" he said, taking his daughter and laying her tummy against his chest. At not quite 5 months old, Ainsley was still little enough for him to play with her like that, and old enough to respond to his expressions and his voice. He loved to lay with her like that and play peek-a-boo; the surprised look on her face when he moved his hands and smiled at her made his heart melt every time.
Mac hurried as she changed their sheets. She didn't want Harm sitting up a second longer than he had too. While she worked she watched Harm play with Ainsley. She knew he wanted to play with her out in the ball fields and later on in the airfields; and Mac prayed that could be done one day. "There we go, all set" she announced.
"Great" he said. "Let's get back over there before daddy's back throws a big fit, baby girl."
Mac took the baby and laid her on her blanket on the floor. "Same as the last time, Flyboy" Mac told him, removing the chair from underneath his legs.
Harm moved to get up, and found it noticeably more difficult than before. With a deep breath and extreme concentration, he moved an inch at a time.
"Sit back down" Mac told him. "Catch your breath first." As she told him this, Ainsley began to cry loudly.
"She's mad" he said as he took a second to regroup.
"She'll be okay" said Mac. "You ready to get up now?"
"Let's get it over with" he replied.
They made it back into the bed in just a couple of minutes. It took Mac another five minutes to get him tucked back in properly before she lifted the now hysterical baby. "Its okay, baby girl. Mommy's going to get you all clean while Daddy rests a bit."
"If you want" he said, "you can bring her to me after she's clean, that way you can shower without hanging onto a slippery baby."
"You're getting smarter as you get older" Mac smiled. "Just don't let her go to sleep, she has to eat."
"Understood" he said.
Mac took the baby in the shower with her and soaped her up. Once she was clean, Mac stepped out of the shower and returned to the bedroom, both Ainsley and herself wrapped in towels. Harm was relaxing in the bed, thumbing through a magazine. "Incoming: one clean baby" Mac announced.
"Did you get all clean in there with mommy?" he asked Ainsley as he took the towel-clad tyke from her mother. "Well, let's you and me hang out here and give mommy a turn, okay?"
Ainsley cooed at her Daddy and nuzzled into him as he held her. "I'll be back soon" said Mac. "When is Mattie coming home?"
"Within the hour" he answered. "She had a study group or something tonight."
"Alright" Mac replied. "Just curious. I'll be right back. You're feeling better, huh?"
"Yeah" he said, "a lot better actually."
"Good" Mac smiled at him. "I'm going to take a bath instead then."
"That's fine" he said. "About how long before she'll be hungry again?"
"Another half hour or so I think" Mac replied. "I'll be out by then, I just need the soak."
"Go ahead then" he said, "after you toss me that diaper over there, please. The last thing we need is to have to do this all over again after she pees on the bed."
"Sure thing, babe" Mac said tossing him her diapering stuff and her rose patterned jammies. "Have fun. Be good for daddy" Mac told Ainsley as she disappeared into the bathroom for a well deserved bath.
Harm tended Ainsley with relative ease. The baby squirmed very little and was content to snuggle with daddy after he changed and dressed her. Mattie got home while Mac was in the tub, and stayed to chat while Mac nursed Ainsley before heading to bed. Finally, the house was calm and both children were down for the night.
Mac slipped into bed and reached for her What to Expect...book, but Harm stopped her.
"No reading tonight, remember?" he said. "We need to have that talk."
"You want to now?" she asked him putting the book down.
"I do" he said. "I know we've got plenty to think about with what Dr. Peddie told us today, but before we look at that we need to get the baby issue opened up and dealt with. I've said before that it's not a question of whether I want to have more children" he said. "It's simply a question of when I want to have them, and what sucks about that is that we don't get to choose that like most couples do. We don't necessarily get to decide that we'd like to start trying next week and boom, make it happen. That's part of what I'm looking at; that and the fact that you just delivered a few months ago and I can't imagine you going through all the fertility stuff again right now."
"Harm, I hear you, I do, but we don't have the luxury of time like other couples, either" Mac told him. "Dr. Kendall said that today when I talked with him. I asked him when he would recommend that we begin trying again, and he said by about the time Ainsley is a year old. There's always a chance of the endometriosis coming back and slowing things down; we have to factor that into our decision."
"I know we do" he said, "but she won't be a year old for another almost 8 months. I know the chances are pretty slim, but what about if we tried on our own for awhile starting in another few months? If it works, great. If not, then we can get back into treatment."
Mac laughed a little. "You're not serious."
"Well, yeah, actually I am" he said. "It's not like we've used birth control since, well, ever, and what's to say we absolutely, flat out couldn't conceive on our own in the general run of things?"
"About a dozen medical reports, Harm" Mac replied. "If we could conceive on our own we would have done that with Ainsley. We can't. There's a reason they call it 'infertility'."
"I know that odds are against it" he said, "but I don't see any harm in trying anyway. It's not just the how to try that we're having the issue with though; it's also the when to try. Answer me this, sweetie: are you ready now? Right now?"
"To have another baby, no" Mac replied. "But to try...it's not going to happen over night. I just don't want to try and try and maybe miss the third try because we waited too long."
"We have to look at this from every possible angle" he said. "Say we decide to start trying again now and we get lucky on the first try. I just think that'd be awfully hard on you physically, Mac."
"I could handle it" Mac replied.
"I know you could if you had to" he said, "but I just feel that unless the doctor tells us in absolute terms that this is something we have to tackle again right now, I'd really prefer to wait just a bit longer. I know we're on opposite ends of the same fence here, babe, and I want to try and find a way to change that; something we can both accept."
"How would you feel if we never had another baby?" Mac asked gently.
"I'd be disappointed" he said, "but... I guess don't know what the answer is, Mac. Part of me feels we should wait a little longer while the rest of me shares the same fears you have - what if we wait too long and miss our opportunity, what if we wait and you have to have more surgery before we can do anything...?"
"Exactly my point, Harm" Mac said. "I'm just afraid you'll...I know you want a son really badly and I want to give you that, I want that for us and I don't want to risk losing it, but your heart has to be in this" she said, reaching up a bit to stretch that crick in her neck. "And I know that right now, it's not. Trying isn't an option for us now anyway, not with your report today."
"Why not?" he asked. "Assuming that we'd try the same things we tried before, what does my back have to do with anything?"
"Because while I could handle the pregnancy under normal condition...I can't lift your six out of chairs with a baby belly, Harm" Mac replied.
"Good point" he said. "But, I don't intend to be like this forever. Do you still want to make an appointment for us to see Dr. Kendall and go over everything, or are you confident that what he said today is what he'd say then?"
"He said he will have to take a look at everything again, ultrasounds and blood tests and such, maybe some other tests...Maybe we could at least look into those once you're back on your feet. If things are still in good shape, we can hold off a little bit longer on the trying part."
"Now that's a suggestion I can live with" he said. "It makes the most sense, really - we can use the next few months to get the testing and all that taken care of and then by the time we're ready to try again, we'll be that much further ahead. That sounds like a great idea to me, babe."
"So we have a deal then?" she asked, playing again with that spot on her neck.
"Indeed we do" he said. "And in the meantime, we'll just keep gong about 'things' as we've always done; never know what may happen... Is your neck bothering you?"
"It's a little stiff" she replied. "Probably stress."
"Can I rub it for you?" he asked.
"Oh that would be great" Mac replied. "Then I can give you a bath and rub you down" she replied turning her back to him. "Can you reach?"
"Scoot a little closer" he said.
She moved a little closer to him and gave him her back. "How's this?"
"Perfect" he replied, reaching his hands towards her aching shoulders, planning to begin there and work his way to her neck. "Whoa, babe, you're tense as can be."
"I wonder why" she said with a bit of sarcasm. "After what Dr. Peddie said...Oh honey, I never filled that oxytocin."
"Its okay" he said softly. "The other stuff will be fine for tonight." He rubbed out a knot where her shoulder met her neck. "I'm sorry for this" he said. "I know you've been under almost non-stop stress for the last few weeks, and my back problems were the last thing you needed."
"It's okay...in some ways it kind of nice" she said, hoping he'd understand her meaning.
"As in it's kind of nice to feel so needed?" he asked. "I hope it didn't take me becoming a temporary semi-invalid for you to realize how much I need you."
"I like that you need me, but more than that I like that you can let me see it, you know. You're not trying to protect me or hide from me...We've finally gotten past that point" Mac sighed. "Oh, right there. Don't stop."
He continued to work his fingers into that area of her neck. "Yeah, we have, huh?" he asked, noticing how she seemed to be melting against his touch.
"Mmhmm" she replied. "So...what do you want to do about what Dr. Peddie said? I'm ready to talk about it if you are."
"I think I should let him operate" he said, moving his hands to the other side of her neck. "I think we should do whatever stands the most chance of bringing this ordeal to as much of a close as we can hope for."
"But isn't the surgery risky?" Mac asked.
"All surgery is risky, babe" he answered. "Spinal surgery more so than some other kinds, but if I don't have it done now, I'd be risking more flare up's like this, probably even worse than this, and eventually I'd have to have the surgery anyway."
"A little harder there" Mac told him before replying. "I want you to have the operation, too. I never want you to have to suffer like this again."
"Think of all the things we can't do when I'm laid up" he said, "we can't go anywhere together, I can't help you do much of anything with Ainsley, I can't hardly spend any time with Mattie, we can't..."
"Harm, I agree with you. I think you need to have the surgery. And I do miss...making love. I miss it so much" she told him.
His hands moved from the back of her neck around to the front of her shoulders, and he pulled her closer, whispering into her ear "I know, my love. You have no idea how much I miss being with you."
"Let's hold each other all night, okay?" Mac suggested as she leaned back into his touch. "Let's just hang on tight and forget the world for awhile."
"Let's do that" he said. "Let's forget all the bad things, and just lay here, you and me...and eventually the baby when she wakes up, but until then, just you and me."
Mac turned over and slid down next to him. "I have to get your bath soon, but now I just...God, I...I love being in your arms. I feel so safe in here, like no one can ever hurt us, hurt anyone...I love you so much."
"I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life" he said. "That'll never change, Mac. Never."
"I know" she replied and rubbed her cheek against his chest. "I know."
Mac and Harm lay snuggled together for an a few hours, doing nothing but listening to each other's hearts beat. Mac rose when Ainsley cried for her attention and brought her into the bedroom to nurse her as Harm slept peacefully beside them.
Ainsley fell asleep at Mac's breast and she left to put the baby to bed. Then she slipped back in bed beside her husband and nestled close again. He was still mostly asleep, but as she cuddled up to him, he tightened his arm around her and mumbled, "I love you." It was with that sweet knowledge that Mac fell into a restful sleep.
Mac stirred first and awoke feeling rested and at ease, in truth she felt better than she'd felt since their honeymoon ended. Harm was still sleeping, but she was so entangled with him that that her movement caused him to awaken.
"Mmmm...hey, beautiful" he muttered. "What time is it?"
"It's 0712" Mac replied. "I have to get up; I have a mountain of cases on my desk and a meeting with Sturgis."
"Lucky you" he said, attempting to shift his position a little. "Damn it...ow..."
"What's wrong, babe?" Mac asked him. "Stiff?"
"Very" he answered. "Do you have time to give me a rub down before Ainsley wakes up?"
"Before she wakes up? Yeah, I think so" Mac replied. "Want to roll for me?"
"No" he said, "but I will."
"Let me use the bathroom and I'll get your rub" Mac said sliding out of bed and heading towards the bathroom as Harm began to roll.
"Is Mattie up yet?" he called to Mac.
"I hear her water running up there" Mac replied as she reappeared with his back salve. "Want coffee or tea this morning?" Mac asked.
"Coffee" he said. "But not till after the back rub.
As Harm had managed to roll on his own, Mac pulled down the blankets to expose his back. She put the salve on her hands and began to work on the damaged area. "Hurting bad this morning or are you just stiff?" Mac asked, doing the massage like an old pro.
"Both" he answered. "Mostly stiff though; I must have slept in a weird position."
"Your legs weren't on the pillows all the way" Mac replied. "It's my fault, I should have fixed them but you were sleeping already and I didn't want to disturb you."
"It's okay" he said, "I'm not hurting too bad. So, what's on your plate for today besides the meeting with Sturgis?"
"An interview with a D&D, and an interview with a PO3 regarding a civil matter" Mac replied. "Not too bad as long as Sturgis decides to act like a human being."
"Sounds like so much fun" chuckled Harm. "How much work do you think you'll end up bringing home?"
"Depends on how many interruptions I get today" Mac replied. "How's this feeling to you? How's the pressure?"
"Just right, babe" he said. "You've gotten good at this, unfortunately. I'll make it up to you, though. Once I'm past this, it'll be your turn to lay here and my turn to give the massage."
"You did pretty well last night, Sailor" Mac replied as their peaceful moment was interrupted by their bedroom door opening and Mattie bounding in. "Dad, you've got to sign this."
"Mathilda" said Harm in a very parental tone. "What's the rule about coming in here?"
"Oh, sorry. I forgot to knock, but I figured with you sort of handicapped right now I wouldn't be interrupting anything important" Mattie replied. "Sorry."
"Well, for all you knew" he said, "I could've been in the middle of my bath, laying here in nothing but what the Stork saw, and regardless of what you thought you may or may not have interrupted, you're still supposed to knock."
"I said sorry" Mattie replied. "Jeez, someone's grumpy."
"I'm not grumpy" he said, "I'm uncomfortable. What do I have to sign?"
"My history paper" Mattie replied and handed him the paper with a large F on it.
"Mattie! An F?" he exclaimed. "What's the explanation here, and don't mess around with me, I'm not in the mood."
"Well, it was just after you left on your honeymoon, and I was staying with my friends and I sort of forgot about it, so I wrote it in the car on the way to school and I guess I got some things mixed up" Mattie explained.
"Well, that's an explanation" he said, "but definitely not an excuse. Is this grade final or do you have a chance to do any extra credit or make-up work to bring this up?"
"It's sort of final" Mattie replied. "Could you just sign it, please?"
Mac could feel the stress rising within the room. Harm was hurting and was stressed enough without the teenager's attitude. She finally spoke up. "Mattie, watch that tone."
"Yes, watch it" he echoed. "Where's a pen?"
"There's one on my desk" Mac replied. "Can you get it, please Mattie?"
Mattie returned with the pen and handed it to Harm, who scrawled his signature at the top of the paper and handed both paper and pen back to her. "You're grounded for two weeks."
"What!" Mattie exclaimed. "That's not fair!"
"It doesn't have to be fair" he said. "You're capable of doing much better on your school work than that."
"But there's a party this weekend..." Mattie began.
Harm looked at his daughter, his eyes telling her she'd best stop before she got into any more trouble.
"Okay, okay" Mattie said backing off a bit. "It's just everyone is going to be there and...can we deal? If I get an A on my test tomorrow and help Mac out extra, can I go?"
"You get an A on that test" he said, "you take care of the laundry and the dishes for the rest of this week, and you take care of your sister while Mac does her work before dinner every night this week, and I may let you go."
"Okay" Mattie replied, her tone saying she wasn't thrilled with something in their arrangement but she knew better than to press her luck. "I'm going to leave early and study then."
"Good idea" said Harm. "Did you eat breakfast?"
"I'll eat at school" Mattie replied.
"That's fine" he said. "I love you, kiddo." He knew she was mad at him, but he also knew not to let her go off to school without hearing those words from him.
Mattie didn't respond, she just continued out the door. A few minutes later the front door slammed indicating that Mattie was gone. A cry was heard from the nursery.
"She knows better than to slam doors in this house" said Harm. "But I guess the baby was about to wake up anyway, huh?"
"Probably" Mac sighed. "Are you good for now?"
"Yep" he said. "Go see what our girl wants."
Mac went to the nursery and lifted Ainsley, she was wet, red faced and angry. "Oh ,I know little one. Sissy didn't mean it" Mac cooed. "She didn't mean to wake you up. Ssh…"
Mac quickly changed the baby and carried her into their bedroom once she was dry. "Say morning, daddy." Ainsley instead continued to wail.
"She's clearly not a morning person" he said with a smile. "Hi, beautiful girl. What's wrong? Did your sister wake you up?"
"I think so" Mac replied. "She's pretty angry about something" Mac replied and sat down readying herself to nurse the baby. "Mommy's going to feed you, angel. It's okay. What's was that all about do you think?" she asked Harm.
"Oh, that scene with Mattie?" he asked. "I think it's just normal teenage stuff. She's been through a lot lately, too - the wedding and us being gone and then the baby being sick and now me. It's bound to take a toll on her, but I won't let her school work suffer."
"No" Mac replied. "But don't go too easy on her. If you punish her then back down we'll be in for a hellish three years."
"I know" he said. "We'll see how she does on that test and with the things I said she needed to do if she wants to go to that party. If she keeps her end of the bargain, I've got no reason not to keep mine, but if not, she's not going."
"Good for you, Harm!" Mac praised. "You've now arrested my one worry about you as a father."
"Which was what?" he asked.
"That you might be too soft" Mac replied. "I certainly don't want to treat them harshly, but we have to have limits and stick with them."
"Definitely" he agreed. "What made you think I wouldn't do that?" he asked with a curious smile. "Am I that big a pushover for a pretty face?"
"No, but you're no match for a pouty lip," Mac replied as she switched sides with the baby. "Ainsley, go easy on Mommy."
"She hurting you?" he asked.
"She's sucking and gumming at the same time" Mac replied.
"Hasn't she always done that?" he asked. "Isn't that how it's done?"
Mac laughed. "Yeah, but not this hard, she's like a vacuum cleaner."
"Ooh, ouch" he said with a grimace. "Still planning to do to that for another 8 months?"
"I think so, yeah" Mac replied. "I'll probably reduce the number of times a day but I don't want to stop completely if I can help it."
"Don't you have to stop before we can try again? he asked.
"Nope" Mac replied as she disconnected the baby once her mouth slackened. "You want to burp her?"
"Sure" he said, "let me turn over here." He moved carefully from lying on his stomach to leaning his back against the pillows at the head of the bed. "Okay, come here baby girl."
Mac handed Ainsley to Harm. "Not moaning or groaning too much this morning" Mac observed. "We must be doing something right."
"Must be" he replied. "Go do whatever you need to do, I've got this covered."
"I just need a quick shower" Mac replied and smiled as she disappeared behind the door.
Mac took her time in the shower, letting the hot water relax her body and wake up her mind. She was in there an entire half hour, and before she knew it the water had gone cold. She put on her robe and stepped out to check on her family. She found Harm sitting in bed humming to Ainsley, and the little girl sound asleep in her Daddy's arms.
"Sleeping again?" she asked. "She must be going through a growth spurt."
"That or maybe she's not all better yet?" he asked. "Or maybe she was still tired when she got her wake up call?"
"Any or all of them, I guess" she said, slipping out of her robe so she could dress.
"Aw, Mac" he said quietly so as not to disturb the baby. "That's so not fair!"
"I can go into the bathroom if you'd like?" she said suggestively.
"No, you know what I'd like" he said, trying to pry his eyes away from her but finding the task impossible.
"Not for a couple more weeks, babe" Mac sighed and put on her bra and panties quickly. "Once you're all better, we'll leave the baby with Harriet and Bud maybe and have a nice romantic trip to the Cape."
"By then" he said, "any place will do. God, I miss being with you like that, Mac."
"Try not to think about it" Mac told him. "If I didn't, I'd never get out the door. Speaking of which...Are you going to behave while I'm gone today?"
"Yes, ma'am" he said with a smile. "I'll be on my best behavior. How much trouble could I get into in 4 hours anyway?"
Mac didn't reply to that one. She just smiled, rolled her eyes and finished dressing.
She left for the office early and was thankful for the chance to get her head sorted out before her meeting with Sturgis. She knew Harm was his friend, but since the time he'd been acting JAG his sometimes superior attitude had gone from bad to worse.
Their meeting lasted nearly three hours and still they had not come to an agreement of any significance. In truth, the only result yielded from the encounter was a gigantic headache for Mac, topped off with a jumbo sized bad mood. She couldn't wait to get out of there, pick up her baby from the day care and see her husband. She felt like screaming or maybe crying, but whatever she did, she knew where she wanted to be when she did it.
Ainsley was sleeping when Mac pulled up to the house. She wanted to crawl into Harm's arms and vent her frustrations to him. She knew he'd be upset with Sturgis for making her upset, but she needed and wanted his support. As soon as she settled the baby in her swing, the speed set to slow; she called out, "Harm, I swear that once you are on your feet you are going to have to do something about Sturgis!"
When she was met with no answer, not even a "What?" she continued on to the bedroom. "Harm?"
With the second round of silence Mac knew something was amiss. She quickened her step and turned into their room to find the bed empty. "Harm! Where are you?" She mentally answered her own question and headed to the bathroom. "What are you doing?" she asked sharply when she saw him crouched over the sink, breathing deeply.
"Trying...to wash my hands" he said. "Is it...time for you to be...home already?"
"Way past" Mac replied. "What's wrong? Why do you sound like that?" She moved to his side and slipped her arm around his waist.
"It's a lot of work getting in there" he said, still breathing heavily. "But I made it."
"You aren't supposed to get out of bed when I'm not here. Damn it, Harm, you promised me!" she scolded him as if he was Mattie.
"I know" he said, "and I'm sorry; I thought I'd be okay, but it turns out I'm not."
"You're not?" she repeated. "What's wrong? Tell me."
"It hurts bad" he said. "Really bad. I think I moved that disc again."
"Can you..." Mac sighed feeling her heart start to pound. If his legs gave out...she could never get him back into bed. "Can you walk?"
"I don't think so" he said as the sweat began to roll down his face. "Go get a chair; I'm about to pass out here, babe."
"Okay, just lean against the sink as much as you can, I'll be right back" Mac told him and eased herself out from under his arm.
As soon as she let go of the hold she had around him, his legs went out from underneath him and he dropped to the floor like a thousand pound rock.
"OH GOD!" he screamed as the pain shot through his back.
Mac turned at the sound of his weight dropping to the floor. "Harm?" she knelt down next to him and gently touched his shoulder. "Harm, look at me, honey. What happened?"
"I can't stand up" he answered through a clenched jaw. "I need drugs, now! Go get them!"
Mac eyes filled with tears. "Honey, I haven't filled it yet. You were doing better..."
"Then get the old stuff!" he begged. "I need something...oh, this hurts so bad, Mac!"
"Harm...did you take the Naproxen this morning?" she asked. She didn't want to give him too much too close together.
He nodded. "I don't care; I need it again, please!"
"Harm, did you take the pill?" she asked again.
"Yes!" he exclaimed. "I need something; I can't take this pain, please..."
"Harm I can't...It'll make you sick to your stomach" Mac told him. "Just try and rest, see if it passes."
"It won't pass!" he replied. "I screwed up and messed things up even worse and I'm seriously gonna pass out if you don't get me the goddamn pills!" Ordinarily he'd never use such a harsh tone or such powerful language with Mac, but he was in so much pain it just came out that way.
Mac sighed. He knew his body better than she did when it came to this. "Alright" she replied, rushing for the pill bottle at his bedside and returning quickly. She filled a cup with water then gave him the pill in his hand.
He took it as quickly as he could, and then laid his head back against the bathroom drawers. "I should've listened to you" he said, his voice and his eyes both filled with terrible pain.
"It's okay" Mac said. "I'm just thinking of how to get you up, this isn't good for you at all."
"Call someone" he said.
"Who?" Mac asked. "There's no one but...What about Bud? I bet he still has that wheelchair from his accident. If we can get you up we can push you to the bed in that."
"Fine, whoever, just call someone" he said, the harsh tone in his voice relaxing but the desperation remaining. "Where's the baby?"
"She's asleep in her swing" Mac replied. "She's fine."
"Good" he said. "Go call Bud, please sweetie. I'm dyin' here."
"Can I get you some pillows first or some blankets?" Mac asked. "You're shaking."
"No" he said. "Just call, I need to lie down."
"I'll be back soon" Mac told him and rushed to the phone.
It took her ten minutes to arrange everything with Bud. She ended the call with the assurance that Bud would meet Harriet at the Rabb's in a half hour. She'd bring the wheelchair from home and he'd go straight there from work.
Mac returned to Harm's side after she'd finished the phone calls, bringing a pillow and a blanket with her. "He and Harriet will be here soon" Mac told him. "I brought you a pillow and blanket anyway."
"Thanks" he said. "I'm so stupid, Mac. I might as well kiss my wings goodbye."
"Maybe so, maybe not" Mac replied laying the blanket over him. "Can you lift your head at all?"
He lifted his head up and allowed Mac to slip the pillow behind it. "I'm sorry, babe. I knew better and-"
"And you had to go and be your stubborn self" Mac gently filled in. "If I wasn't so scared and worried right now I'd...Well, you aren't getting off easy this time Sailor."
"Yeah, no kidding" he said sarcastically as the pain continued to pound down on him.
"Can I do anything to help you?" she asked.
"Shoot me" he said.
"Not an option, you're a pain in my six right now, but I love you madly and I still need you" Mac said. "I have a very good way for you to earn your way back into good favor; of course it'll have to wait until you're back on your feet."
"Oh it will, huh?" he asked. "Give me a hint." He needed her to take his mind off the pain, and he didn't much care how she did it.
"I need you to put one Sturgis Turner in his rightful place" Mac replied. "He made my day hell."
"I'm sorry to hear that" he said. "Still up to his old tricks?"
"Afraid so" answered Mac. "Some days I brush it off, and some days..."
"That's Sturgis for you" sighed Harm. "I'll talk with him once I get back to the office. Think you can handle him till then?" As Harm finished speaking, he heard Ainsley begin to cry from the other room.
"I can handle him, don't worry about that" Mac replied. "I'll be right back; I'll just bring her in here."
"Good" he said. "I haven't seen her since this morning; I could use the distraction."
Mac nodded and headed to the living room to get the baby out of her swing. "Did you have a good nap, baby?" Mac asked Ainsley. "You want to go see daddy?"
Ainsley stretched and began to fuss just a bit, which she often did right after awakening.
"It's okay, sweetie" Mac cooed to her. "Let's go cuddle with daddy.
"Mac!" called Harm from his place on the bathroom floor.
Holding Ainsley close to her, Mac rushed back to the bathroom. "What is it?" she asked fear coursing through her body with a thousand terrible thoughts.
"You've gotta move me a little" he said, his breathing once again labored. "I've got a horrible cramp back there!"
"Okay, give me a second to put her down" Mac told him settling Ainsley on her tummy with her little toy lamb. Then she moved back to Harm's side. "Where is it?"
"Same place" he said, drawing in an unsteady breath.
"Lower right?" she asked then reached underneath him and gently touched the area. "Here?"
"Ah!" he replied. "Yeah, there!"
"Okay, babe, I think I should lay you out flat...that's what they taught us in first aid class" Mac told him. "Want to try that?"
"Yeah" he answered.
Mac first removed the pillow from behind Harm's head and set it on the floor. Next she hooked her arms underneath his and used her strength to push and pull him until he was lying flat. By the time it was over both husband and wife had tears in their eyes.
"There you go, all done" Mac said trying to hide her teardrops.
Harm couldn't hide his. The pain - physical and emotional - was too much. He closed his eyes and began to cry as quietly as he could.
Mac of course noticed the tears leaking out of his eyes. "Oh, Ssh..." she said softly. "Don't cry, honey. It's going to be okay. I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Bud and Harriet will help me get you in bed and you can rest. You'll be fine."
"I'm sorry" he whispered. "I made this even harder for you, and I'm sorry."
"Hey, don't apologize" Mac ordered. "You just tell me how are you feeling? Is this position helping?"
"Some" he said, "and the pill seems to be helping a little as well, but..."
"But?" Mac pressed." Your legs hurt? Something else? What?" Her fear was showing in her rush of questions
"I just want this to be over" he said as a sob overtook him. "I...I want to hold my baby up over my head and play airplane with her; I want to take a shower, I want...I want to make love to you, over and over again. I want my life back; our life."
Mac didn't know how to comfort him. She'd never felt as he did at that moment, and while she wanted to take his pain away she didn't know how. She leaned over him and placed a kiss on his lips, gently touching them; no passion, just love, unconditional love. She shifted to his cheeks and kissed the tracks of his tear drops, then finally moved to his eye lids and placed tiny kisses there.
"Hold me?" he asked in a tearful whisper.
Mac silently nodded and slipped her arm underneath his shoulders, gently lifting him up so his head could rest against her chest. "I'm going to make it better, Harm. You've always been there for me...through my diagnosis, the accident, even before...It's my turn. I'm not going to let anything happen. I love you so much" she whispered to him as he cried against her. "So much."
As Mac cuddled Harm to her chest, comforting him as best she could she heard a knock at the front door. "That's Bud" Mac said to Harm. "You try and relax. I'll go and let him in okay?"
He nodded, wiping the tears from his eyes.
Mac picked up the baby and her toy and went to let Bud in. To her delight Harriet and Bud had arrived at the same time. "This way" she said without preamble and led them back to where Harm was lying.
Harriet wheeled the chair back, and then took Ainsley from Mac so she and Bud could tend to Harm. "What happened, Sir?" Bud asked, concerned as he assessed the situation.
"I pulled a no-brainer" stated Harm. "Walked in here by myself and probably threw the bad disc out again."
"Ouch!" Bud said. "Well, let's get you up" he sighed. "I'll get his top; you get his legs, Ma'am?" Bud asked Mac. "I think we'll do better if we just carry him instead of usuing the chair. Think you can do that?"
"I don't have a choice, do I?" Mac sighed. She knelt next to Harm. "You ready?"
"Very" answered Harm.
"Then let's do this" Mac said and took her position as Bud took his. Bud counted it off and together the managed to lift Harm and get him to the bed. It took five minutes to get him there and another five to get him settled and propped on the pillows. Harm didn't even cry out, he was instead silent. Once Mac tucked him in she realized why... he was mercifully out.
"Thank God" Mac sighed as she and Bud went out to the living room to join Harriet. "He's out for now."
"We'll let you get everything cleaned up and you get some rest" Bud told her. "We'll run to the CVS and fill the script then be out of your hair." Harriet handed Ainsley back to Mac. "I hope he feels better soon, Ma'am."
"So do I, Harriet," Mac replied. "So do I."
A/N: I know, it was yet another heart-wrenching chapter with Harm in such pain, but I promise and swear on my hope that one day we'll see JAG come to DVD that the good times are coming! I've been writing a few chapters ahead to make sure the story goes where I have it envisioned, and there's fluff soon to come, really there is! I appreciate everyone sticking with this as we've been hitting some sadder moments in the lives of the Rabb's. I hope you'll find the good times worth the wait. :)