Chapter 3: We are each other's flesh and blood
While they were happily enjoying the inimitable, soul-soothing view, Caelian emerged from the forest. He was dragging a large bundle of dried palm leaves and stems from a young vines, shining his headlamp. Stopping at the base of a granite boulder with visible traces of fire, the Thai chopped the whips into small sections and, carefully stacking the woodpile; he casually flicked his lighter. Sparks rattled, flying apart. The fire surged upwards, greedily licking the supple spongy wood, reflecting with uneven tongues in the curious, glowing eyes of the forest dwellers. With a disgruntled purr and squeak, they scattered, but the humans stayed behind.
While Kate watched Caelian's deft actions, Rick dug into his backpack. He slung a large towel over his wife's shoulder and handed her a bag of clothes.
- You dive first, but don't go too far! As soon as you come across the Thai Jaws, shout as loud as you can, and I'll stone the offender!
- I have a gun, Castle," Kate admonished, arching an eyebrow, "and I'll respect your wishes, but... would you mind if I went alone?
A little confused, Castle looked at her carefully, as if he smelled something wrong.
- Is everything okay, Kate? - his shoulders immediately tensed, but his face lit up with a friendly, sly smile. - I could have gone with you! I could have held the towel, watched the area around me. In case someone wants to kidnap you!
- Don't! - Beckett's forehead drew a stubborn wrinkle. - I've got it under control!
Hanging the towel around her neck, Kate turned to Caelian, who was dragging a weighty fruit basket by its two handles.
- Do you know any way down to the water? I'd like to get cleaned up! - Beckett added, trying not to notice Castle's scowl.
- Sure, ma'am," the Tahai probed the basket near the fire, pointing to a line of small boulders seemingly arched on the far side of the bowl. - Go behind these stones, behind them there is a cut in the rock stairway. Have a nice swim!
- Thank you! - Beckett smiled gratefully, running her fingers through the slick strand. With a meek glance at Castle, who hugged himself by the shoulders with a resentful expression, Kate headed for the rocky ridge, waving her garment bag with apparent nonchalance. Knowing full well the concern Castle was watching her back, Kate could physically feel his deep and agitated breathing. Rick knew how to hide his emotions, and for that restraint Beckett was always grateful to him. When you can't make sense of yourself for a long time, a loved one's patience is worth a lot.
Frustrated with herself and her eternal stubbornness, Beckett walked down the wide, day-warmed steps to the water itself. The moon was already fully up in the sky, reflecting in the pool in an oscillating track, silvery and playful. After admiring the unique beauty, Kate peeled off her sticky clothes with undisguised relief. Sure, Rick had mentioned the peculiarities of the Thai climate many times, but to get soaked all the way down to her underwear! Looking around, Kate took a step toward the body of water. The water splashed almost at her feet, scattering the tiniest drops. It beckoned with a welcome, invigorating coolness, and somewhere up there, a fire was burning hotly, and her companions remained. One, tossing dry twigs into the fire, and the other...
Out of the corner of her eye Kate noticed a dark silhouette on the edge of the bowl, illuminated by the moonlight. It didn't take a seer to guess how anxiously Castle was looking at her. Over the years of married life his shrewdness had not gone anywhere, but on the contrary, spurred on by a known circumstance, had become even sharper. And, of course, nothing could be hidden from him. Oh, Castle! Ashamedly bowing her head, Kate dipped her big toe in the water and shrugged shakily.
"Br-r-r! It gives me goosebumps! But I came here for something!"
Inhaling deeply, Beckett wrapped her arms around her shoulders and, anticipating a deep plunge, resolutely pushed off the boulder. The choppy water coolly parted beneath the woman's light body, but the bowl itself was shallow, barely touching her waist. Kate steadily exhaled, feeling the roughness of the bottom with her feet. Feeling thin needles of cold tingling her skin and a small shiver overcome her body, Kate plunged to her throat, splashing a few in her face, wetting her hair and even managing to take a sip. The water cooled her throat and slid an icy clot inside. Tapping her teeth, Kate stood to her full height and strode toward the shore, stroking herself with an effort.
The bottom of the bowl at the water's edge turned out to be rising, dotted with small pellets, and it wasn't hard to get out of the water. Hopping on one foot, Beckett shook her head several times, expelling the water, and reached for her towel. The soft, fuzzy fabric gently covered her creepy-covered shoulders and back, warming her. Rubbing herself vigorously, Kate donned dry clothes. Her first thought was to go back to the fire immediately, but there was definitely something unusual, mesmerizing, attention-grabbing about the sound of falling water. It was a good time to consider the situation. Sitting down on a flat splinter facing the waterfall, Kate pulled her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them and lowered her chin to her knees. Her inexplicably searching gaze was lost among the gleaming silver jets, and her thoughts involuntarily swirled themselves...
...First he became part of her world, then she became part of his, but it wasn't until she became Mrs. Castle that Kate truly felt happy. Now that all the worries were behind her and her nemesis was behind bars, only one small detail was missing for complete family harmony: a child.
Remembering her skepticism about motherhood, Kate smiled sadly. If it hadn't been for Castle, it was unlikely she would have dared to do something like this. As long as years of revenge were nurtured, it was impossible to do the business of raising children that made you more vulnerable. But Castle, her kind and beloved Rick, did everything to awaken her wife to the right truths, and the involuntary catalyst was the murder of the Templeton family four years ago. Recalling all the circumstances of the case, Kate massaged her temples with an effort.
A swanky loft on two levels somewhat reminiscent of their family home, the understated luxury of the interior - and the marks of a cold-blooded, systematic murder. The pregnant landlady was found in the kitchen, her face mutilated beyond recognition. Her husband was found under the stairs to the second level, with his head bashed in several places. Her eldest daughter and grandmother had been stabbed with something like a needle in one of the bedrooms, and the whole once tidy house was in chaos-turned chairs, tables dislodged, broken dishes in the kitchen and living room, and bloodstains on everything you could see.
Kate arrived first, and Castle, delayed in the publisher's office-when the paramedics had already carried the bodies out. As she looked into her husband's face, Beckett was a little surprised. Yes, it was the same man she loved, firmly aware of what he wanted, and yet there was a strange, painful gleam in his eyes. After saying a brief hello and pulling on his gloves, Rick began systematically opening all the lockers and drawers that came his way. Giving short but pithy observations as he went along, Castle periodically took some documents, looked through them, and put them back. At the same time he frowned somehow atypically, bit his lips sensitively and nervously rolled his cheeks. Something seemed to weigh heavily on him. Finally, standing still at one of the doors, he beckoned his wife to him. While intrigued Kate passed over the fragments of furniture, scattered throughout the living room, Rick took something out of the wall niche.
- What is it, Castle? - Kate smiled softly, putting her hand on his shoulder, but in response, Rick coughed harshly and showed Beckett a colorful wooden pyramid.
- An unfulfilled childhood! - Castle shifted his eyebrows sadly, and Kate managed to notice a rigid crease in the corner of his mouth, which immediately disappeared. - They had been preparing for him, waiting for him. Look!
Rick pointed his hand into the closet built into the partition. Its wooden shelves were filled in abundance with all sorts of baby care items: packs of diapers, tiny baby clothes, blistered drinkers and bottles, nipple sets, and more, all purchased for a specific purpose. Numerous toys occupied a separate place: stuffed animals, sets of cubes and rattles, rubber figures for bathing, etc.
- I see! - Kate frowned, feeling her chest tighten. - Lainie said the baby could have been supposedly here in two or three weeks. If we'd gotten there a little earlier, he would have had a chance.
- I saw the ultrasound results," Castle said thoughtfully. He put the pyramid on the shelf and, picking up the stuffed rabbit, carefully stroked the stuffed belly of the toy. - It was a boy. His parents loved him so much! They would play with him, take him for walks all day long, and tell him funny bedtime stories. How ridiculous!
For a moment his face smoothed out, his eyes brightened as if they had seen something pure and pleasant, but then they darkened again. He was completely gloomy, so Rick sent the rabbit to the shelf and shut the locker tightly. Kate waited for him to say something else, but Rick shrugged his shoulders vaguely.
- Where's the nursery? - Castle suddenly asked, hiding his face from his wife. His voice, as if strangled by invisible tears, sounded muffled.
- It's on the second level, to the right as you go up," Kate thoughtfully covered her mouth with the palm of her hand. After seeing Castle's back with a worried glance, she followed after a few minutes. Rick was there. With a hardened face, to the soft melody of the bells hanging from the high back, he was rocking the crib.
- They were hung for good luck," said Castle in such a high-pitched voice that Kate longed to embrace him, but stood hesitantly in the doorway.
Rick sighed audibly and even gritted his teeth. He pulled a blanket out of the crib, held it to his face, and sniffed.
- It smelled like a store," he muttered disappointedly, "and I like the smell of babies. It's an unmistakable smell, never to be forgotten," Castle's voice became increasingly tearful, but he held on.
- Is there anything I can do for you? - Feeling uncomfortable, Kate approached Rick almost inaudibly and wrapped her arms around his broad chest and pressed her cheek against his back. His big, kind heart was racing, beating an uneven rhythm, as if it were in a hurry to break free.
- I guess you can," Castle said indefinitely. Gently unhooking his embrace, he turned and gently kissed Kate on the forehead. His face expressed sorrow.
- I'm sorry, but I'd like to go home, I'm tired," Castle smiled forcedly, but the smile was clearly out of place. Apologetically, he briefly held Kate's hand in his own. Touchingly kissing her fingertips, he left without turning around.
When Beckett returned, she found Castle at the window, glass in hand. A half-empty bottle of whiskey stood right there on the coffee table. Dropping her shoes, Kate crossed the room barefoot and lightly touched her husband's shoulder.
- Hey, Castle! - she called softly. Drunkenly swaying, Rick slowly turned around. The earthy gray face and the groggy glint in his eyes startled Kate unpleasantly. She gently took the empty glass and pressed herself against Rick's chest, closing her eyes. - Do you know I'm with you?
- I know," Castle repeated colorlessly, hugging her shoulders, "thank you.
Rick kissed his wife on the top of her head and pulled away slightly, looking into her clear, loving eyes.
- I'm a little tired," he said, anticipating another question, "if we can talk about everything tomorrow.
She nodded and stared after him for a long time. It seemed that even on the way home, Kate realized exactly WHAT it was that was depressing him. Rick had most likely seen his mistress' body, and that phrase he'd made about the smell of childhood was no accident. Somehow, it was more her fault that they avoided the subject in conversation, only occasionally exchanging joking remarks. It was only now that Kate realized exactly what kind of help Castle was expecting from her.
Pouring herself a whiskey, she wrapped herself in plaid and climbed up with her knees on the couch, savoring the drink. His trembling fingers stroking the blanket, his dusky face, and his tightly pressed lips flashed before her eyes. Rick was definitely dreaming of children. Specifically, his own, not just grandchildren. Dreamed, dreamed to the gnashing of teeth and pain in his chest, to the crunching of his knuckles. God! Closing her eyes, Kate put the warm glass to her forehead, longing for ice cubes rather than the remains of alcohol in it. How selfish she was! All her life she had nurtured her own pain, not noticing how she had instilled it firmly in the man she loved and loved. Castle is uncommonly patient, able to tolerate her emotional outbursts, but he certainly does not deserve such "punishment".
Resolutely throwing back the plaid, Kate set aside the glass and proceeded to the shower. Standing under the searingly cold jets, she saw Castle's dramatic face in front of her and silently swore to him, and more to herself. They, she must have a child. His! With a cute dimple on his cheek and the same clear eyes, the distinctive slit of his mouth. Only the natural way, no adoptions and no IVF, even if it doesn't work right away. Only his kindness, only his quirks and his unwavering belief in miracles.
From that day on, it was as if Kate began a new countdown for herself. It was a good thing Castle didn't have to beg. Catching every spare minute, they had sex in the most unthinkable places, even finding an inconspicuous nook in the bustling precinct. It was true that once they almost embarrassed themselves in front of Gates, but nothing could stop their insatiable pursuit of a new life.
Waking up, Kate listened attentively, believing that she was about to, and will be able to please Rick with the long-awaited news, but days, months, then years passed, but the desired moment still did not come. And it was here for the first time visited her serious doubt - what if it is she who is unsuccessful as a woman, and will not be able to fulfill the purpose of nature? What then? Was she deceiving him and unwittingly deceiving herself? Before jumping to hasty conclusions, it was necessary to clear this up, at least, first of all, to herself.
Having surreptitiously passed the necessary tests, Kate waited for an answer, clutching her fingers to the pain. That white piece of paper stirred her soul, brought back hope. The results were excellent, and there could be no obstacle to her motherhood. Absolutely none at all. But... nothing was working. And Kate had gotten it into her head that she was incomplete, inadequate, and to all of Castle's attempts to have a heart-to-heart talk, she joked off and translated it into sex. And in the morning, standing in front of the bathroom mirror, she stroked her flat stomach in no small amount of confusion. Could it be that there was no chance? So there was no future?
Many days of secret trips to various doctors brought no positive results, and Kate suddenly realized with horror that she was breaking down. More and more often she began to have outbursts of uncontrollable anger that could not be controlled by the pills, more and more she withdrew into herself, outwardly trying to appear cheerful, carefree and still believing sacredly in her, in him and in them.
Her friends, too, seemed to understand everything and silently tolerate her unnecessarily harsh antics, but it was Castle who suffered the most. She saw it. When she was angered, he withdrew from the conversation, let her collect her thoughts, and Kate was immensely grateful to him, after which she wanted to cling even harder. He embraced his wife, Rick kissed her passionately, passionately, and at one point it was clear that it was impossible to hide from him endlessly, making excuses, who knows what.
She told him about the test results, and she saw how his eyes flashed with a cheerful, loving fire. Apparently, his hunch was correct, and she felt bad about her deception that was preventing her from living a full family life. As long as it involved both of them, they had to find a way to live together.
Somehow, having persuaded the publisher to push the release of the next novel, Rick developed a feverish activity, along the way, not to let his wife be sad. They visited many clinics in the USA, England, Switzerland, Israel, but all to no avail. Doctors, all as one, insisted that the tests were excellent, but in response to a direct question, they sympathetically shook their hands and hinted at possible genetic incompatibility. And walking out of another clinic with a pile of written forms, Kate felt her hope melting with each passing day. Even Castle's reassurance was no longer saving her.
And she had all but given up, withdrawn into herself, going to her favorite job as if she were a convict. Absolutely everything was annoying, from her favorite coffee to the smiles of her friends, she even wanted to go so far away to cut off the essence of her difficult life at once. And Kate only agreed to the trip to Thailand because she saw it as a chance to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city. She just physically could not believe in the magic of other worlds and spiritual bonds, nor in the special aura of ancient temples and the advice of priests. Everything was so unreal that she could not believe how her dearly adored husband could be so serious, suggesting that someone's passes over the vessels with "magical" liquid, spells with rolled eyes would help to create a miracle. Kate grinned sadly. At least Castle promised an excess of physical pleasure, and Lainey would be interested to hear her.
Now, as she watched the falling water showering her with cool splashes, Kate was no longer expecting anything special. Just an unusual, memorable vacation and, after all, life didn't end there. After the trip was over, though, some painful decision would have to be made.