A/N: I know I sound like a broken record, but thank you for all the reviews! I really appreciate you taking the time to give me feedback. :) As promised, there's fluff on the horizon... and based on the M rating for this chapter, there could even be some hiding in here somewhere... ;) A big thank you to LadyCommish for bouncing around ideas with me and helping to keep the muse alive...
A short side note regarding my own "journey" - things haven't changed much. Our chances are still no different than they were in the past few months, and we're just now getting back into treatment after the last try (in April) was cancelled halfway through due to my strange reaction to the meds. As I always say, though, I may not be able to control how my journey goes or what happens to me along the way or in the end, but where our beloved Rabb's are concerned, it's up to me, and you can bet it'll be a trip to remember... :)
Chapter 78:
Mac sat down with Ainsley on her lap and cuddled the child. She was barely aware of Bud returning with Harm's painkillers, and barely aware of Ainsley fussing to be fed or of feeding her. She just operated on autopilot, sitting on the sofa, going through the motions until Mattie arrived home, the teenager's mood not improved at all from the morning.
"Hello?" Mattie said in a put-out tone. "Earth to Mac; I'm home."
"Oh, hi, Mattie" Mac replied. "How was school?"
"Okay" she replied, tossing her backpack on the floor and flopping down into a chair.
"Mattie, please don't leave your backpack on the floor" Mac said. "Did you study this morning?"
"Not really" she answered, getting up to move her backpack. "I was too mad at dad for grounding me."
"He was right" Mac told her. "You're a smart girl Mattie; you don't get bad grades because you can't handle the work. It was carelessness and carelessness gets you punished. Your father learned that very well today."
"What happened?" she asked, her tone morphing from one of frustration to one of concern.
"He went to the bathroom unassisted, his back spasmed and he fell" Mac replied. "He's sleeping now."
"Wow" said Mattie. "Is he okay? Is he in pain?"
"Some" Mac sighed. "He's better off asleep, but otherwise he's okay" Mac replied.
"Yeah, but him falling, that couldn't have been good for his back" said Mattie. "Did he do any more damage?"
"I don't know" Mac replied. "He wasn't in any condition for me to really assess him."
"Well then you should've called 911" said Mattie. "I can't believe you didn't think of that with him lying on the floor like that."
"All I could think of was Harm and taking care of him" replied Mac. "That's what I should be thinking of. If he's hurt himself worse then we'll take care of it and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't second guess my management of the situation" Mac bit out before she could control her emotions or her tongue.
"This day just keeps getting better!" exclaimed Mattie sarcastically as she grabbed her backpack and took off up the stairs, keeping her tears inside until she reached her bedroom.
Mac held her own tears inside until she heard Mattie's door slam, only to have to swallow them when Harm called out to her.
"Mac...Mac!" he called. "Where are you?" She put Ainsley in her swing and rose to go to Harm.
"I'm here" she replied, coming into the room. "You were asleep by the time we got you in bed" she told him, sitting down on the side of the bed and taking his hand.
"I'm sorry, I was just wiped out from that experience" he said, caressing the back of her hand with his thumb. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine" Mac smiled. "How are you? How's the pain?"
"Bad, but better than before" he answered. "Can you rub my back?"
"Mmhmm," she replied. "Yeah. You're going to have to roll though."
Harm rolled over slowly, even more slowly than usual, trying to keep the pain to a minimum. It took him a couple minutes, but he made it.
"Do you want salve or just a back rub?" she asked once he was settled.
"Just a rub this time" he said, his voice proving how tired he still felt.
"Ah, simply for comfort, not for therapy this time, huh?" Mac asked as she pulled down his blankets and lifted his undershirt. "Let me know if I hurt you, okay?" she told him as she gently started to rub his back.
She ran her hands over him, feather light touches, loving caresses, like if she was trying to soothe Ainsley when she woke up at night crying. "Did you hear anything I said to you earlier?"
"I think so" he said quietly. "You said that we'll get through this and I'll be okay."
"That's not all I said, sweetie" she replied as she ran her hand softly over the swollen discs.
"What else did you say?" he asked, melting into his pillow.
"I told you that I was going to make it better, that I won't let anything happen to you, and I won't" she told him. "I promise you that." She moved her hands over him again, softly. "If I could hurt for you, I would. I can't stand seeing you like this. It would be easier if it were me lying here."
"I hope you never feel this kind of pain" he said, "well, unless it's while you're bringing another of our babies into the world, but even then I wish you didn't have to hurt so much."
"At least that's productive pain, honey" Mac sighed, leaning over to place her lips on the damaged portion of his back.
"Yeah, it is" he said, "but still, it was hard standing beside you in the delivery room and knowing you were in more pain than I could imagine. It made me feel..."
"Pretty helpless?" Mac sighed. "I know that feeling" she replied as she moved her hand down to his thigh.
"It really did" he replied. "I mean, I knew it was all for the best reason in the world and all that, but still, in the moment just seeing you hurting so badly, part of me felt guilty that you had to feel it all by yourself."
"I don't really think I felt it all by myself" Mac replied with a smile as she thought back to what an amazing help he'd been during her labor. She moved her hand up again and over the muscles under his swollen disc, using a combination of hard and soft touches. "How's this feeling, sweetie?"
"Feels really nice" he sighed. "Do you think you'll want to do anything different with the next labor?" he asked.
"Other than only having you in there, not really. Although I may reconsider my pain killer position depending on how bad it gets" Mac laughed.
"You don't want anyone else there next time? How come?" he asked. "I thought it went well the first time around. Did I miss something?"
"No I...it's okay to only want you, isn't it?" she asked, working her way up towards his shoulders.
"Well, sure" he said, sighing as she moved her hands against his body. "As long as you don't ever decide you want to try a home birth, I'm fine with anything you want!"
"Actually, I'm starting to consider the whole hospital thing highly overrated" Mac told him. "Ever hear of a birthing center? Its all natural there, just the mom and the midwife...I kind of like that."
Harm's eyes grew wide in semi-panic. "What if something goes wrong?" he asked. "If there aren't any doctors around - things can go really bad really fast with a delivery, Mac! I'm not too sure about you delivering anywhere but in a hospital..."
"I think they have one doctor" she said. "What appeals to me is that it's all women. No men."
He couldn't help but offer a nervous laugh. "First no hospital" he said, "and now no men? Lest you forget, my dear, without your man, you'd have no reason to be in the birthing center or delivery room or any of those in the first place."
Mac gave a tiny laugh. "You must really be hurting, Sailor" she said.
"Actually" he said, "not so much right now. You give the most amazing massages."
"Then how on this earth did you fall for that lunacy?" Mac laughed and moved to kiss his lips. "I'm not going to deliver anywhere except the hospital, and I want you with me every minute, but right now I'm firm on the just you part, okay?"
He laughed. "Okay, but that was cruel, toying with an aching man like that." He yawned. "Wow, I'm tired..."
She kissed him lightly, "Think you can sleep a bit?" she asked caressing his cheek. "I'm going to have to feed the baby soon.
"Mm-hmm" he said. "Care to join me until she wakes up?"
"I'll lay with you" Mac replied. "Probably not much use in sleeping, though." Mac moved to her side of the bed while Harm gingerly rolled himself over. She settled his legs on the pillows then snuggled up with him.
"This is the most physical contact we can have right now" he said, "and I need all of it I can get." It was comforting, soothing, and it made him feel just a little better.
There was a quiet knock on the bedroom door as Mattie waited for permission to come in.
"Yes?" Mac replied. She had still not dealt with the situation with Mattie.
Mattie opened the door and peeked her head in. "When you're finished there, can you come upstairs?" she asked.
"I have to feed the baby" Mac replied. "After that I can, sure."
"Okay" said Mattie, sniffling and red-eyed. "I'll be in my room."
"Good" Mac replied. "Study."
"Okay" she muttered, closing the door before going back to her room.
"What's that all about?" he asked. "She still mad at me?"
"Not at you so much as me this time" Mac replied as she continued her tender ministrations.
"What'd you do?" he asked.
"Apparently, I don't take good enough care of you" Mac replied.
"She said that?" he asked, appalled that Mattie would be so disrespectful to Mac.
"Not in so many words, but she implied it" Mac sighed. "She said I should have called 911 when you fell, but the way she said it..."
"I'm sorry, babe" he said. "This is hard on her, too; I know it is, but that's no excuse for her to be that way."
"It's not your fault" Mac replied. "And it is no excuse. She wasn't exactly pleasant to you this morning."
"No, she wasn't" he agreed, "but that kind of thing is gonna happen, Mac. All teenagers rebel when they think their parents are wrongfully punishing them. I meant what I said to her about going to that party, but after this little attack on you, I'm thinking she'll be enjoying the company of her stuffed animals come Saturday night."
"Whatever you think is best" Mac replied. "She is your daughter and I'm afraid now she'll remind me of that."
"She's our daughter, Mac" he stated firmly. "We're married now; you have just as much parental responsibility over her as I do."
"I know that, but does she?" Mac asked. "It's a valid question, look at you and Frank."
Harm was silent for a moment. "Good point. I'll have to talk to her and see if she'll level with me on whatever's eating at her, not that I would if I was in her position, but I'll try and see what happens."
"Alright" Mac replied as she started to increase the pressure of her massage the tiniest bit along the base of his spine. The muscles were all knotted up there.
"I have no idea how she might feel...I think maybe...I just don't know" Mac sighed just before Ainsley began to cry.
"Rats" he said. "She's hungry and this was just getting really comfortable."
"I could ask Mattie to give her a bottle" Mac said. "Up to you."
"Don't we have to save the bottles for day care?" he asked. "Oohhhh, right there...ohh…"
"I can pump another one tonight if I need to" Mac replied.
"Okay, yeah see if Mattie can feed her" he said. "She's supposed to be helping out extra."
"You just lie still until I get back okay?" Mac told him. "I'll hurry."
Mac left the bedroom and went to pick up the baby. "Mattie!" she called as she snuggled Ainsley close. Ainsley shifted as if to nurse but Mac stroked her cheek instead. "It's okay, baby. Sissy's going to feed you a bottle while mommy fixes daddy's boo-boo."
"Will she let me?" asked Mattie as she started down the stairs and heard Mac's words to the baby.
"I hope so" Mac replied. "She takes them at the day care and for your dad, and he needs me right now."
"'Kay" said the red-haired teen as she went into the kitchen and began warming a bottle. "How's dad?"
"He's resting as much as he can. I'm going to give him his pill in a little bit then I'll get us some dinner."
"I'll call in Chinese if you want me to" offered Mattie as she shook the bottle and checked the temperature of the milk.
"We'll see" Mac replied. "I'll check with your dad and see what he wants to eat. Is it ready? She's getting mad."
"Yeah, it's ready" she said, setting the bottle on the counter and reaching out to take Ainsley from Mac. "Come on, baby girl; let's get you fed."
Ainsley cried louder as Mattie took her from her mother, but quieted when Mattie put the bottle of milk to her lips.
"Looks like she's going to do it" Mac sighed with relief. "Do you have this? I have to get back."
"Go ahead" answered Mattie. "If she changes her mind, you'll know it."
"Thanks" Mac replied and went back to Harm. "How are you doing?"
"Missing you" he replied tenderly. "Ainsley taken care of?"
"So far, so good" Mac said. "Want me to keep rubbing or what?"
"Mm-hmm" he said; "that same place as before. That felt really good."
Mac's hands found the tender spot where she'd been working before and started again, rubbing and eventually pressing in on the spasm.
"Do you have any idea what you want to eat?" Mac asked.
"I'm not really hungry" he said. "Ooohhh God, Mac...that's great..."
"You don't want anything?" Mac asked to confirm.
"No" he answered. "Just more of this and my pill."
"Honey, I can't keep this up all night, as much as I'd love to" Mac replied. "Pill I can do, though. Bud filled your script."
"Remind me to send him a fruit basket" joked Harm. "I don't hear Ainsley crying; she must be taking that bottle."
"She seemed to be..." Mac replied. "I'm going to move over a bit...let me know if it hurts okay?"
"Don't worry" he said as he continued to relax against his pillow. "I'll make it very clear."
Mac slid her hands over from the spasmed muscles to the injury site. She could see how swollen the discs were and she tried to stimulate blood flow by pressing gently just above it.
"Ah...ah...ah...ow!" he said.
"I'm sorry" Mac said quickly. "I guess that hurt. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to help."
"I know, babe" he said. "Maybe rub my shoulders for awhile?"
"Okay" Mac sighed and moved up to his shoulder. She rubbed in slow circles making tiny sounds to soothe him. "I want you to try and get more sleep, and I think you need to roll back over soon. I'll get some ice and put it under you and see if it takes down the swelling."
"I don't want ice under me" he mumbled into his pillow.
"Harm, you have to treat the swelling and you have to do that with ice and your legs up" she told him. "Please. I'll be twenty minutes."
He sighed. "If you promise to continue this later, I'll lay on the ice pack for now."
"We'll see" she said. If the swelling didn't go down she didn't want to manipulate the muscles much more.
She pulled her hands back. "Okay, over with you."
"Yes, mother" he retorted with a grin as he began to move.
"Watch it, flyboy" Mac playfully warned as the phone rang.
"Can you grab that for me?" he asked. "I'm kind of tied up."
She picked up the receiver. "Rabb Residence. Yes, he is. Who's calling?" She paused. "I see. Hold on please." She covered the receiver with her hand. "Its Captain Hendricks for you."
He managed to make it onto his back in time to take the call. "Good evening, Captain...Yes, sir...Yes sir, I knew they were coming due soon, but I'm out on medical leave for the time being so I'll have to get back to you and we'll see what's on the schedule then. Okay...yes, thank you sir. Goodnight." He handed the phone back to Mac and stared straight up at the ceiling.
"What is it?" Mac asked.
He shook his head a bit, enough to let her know he didn't want to talk about it just then.
"Honey?" she pressed. "Who was that?"
"Later" he said, sounding like his mind and heart were a million miles away. "Please, babe, not...not right now."
"Harm if something is upsetting you...I want you to tell me what I can do to make it better" she tried again. After all, he'd do that for her.
He looked her in the eye. "There's nothing you can do to make any of this better" he said plainly. "I just want to be alone right now, babe."
Mac took a deep breath to fight the tears from coming to her eyes. "If that's what you want" she replied. "I'll go get your pill and your ice pack."
"Never mind the ice" he said. "Just the pill will be fine." He was lost in his pain, his fear and his distress over that call.
"But you have to ice your..."
"Mac, please" he said firmly. "Just the pill and some peace and quiet; that's all I want right now."
"Okay" Mac sighed, wishing she could help him more. "I'll get it for you."
She went to the kitchen, retrieved Harm's pill and brought it back to him. He used a straw to get the water into his mouth, and then turned his head away from her. She returned to the living room with a heavy heart, a heart that hurt because her husband hurt.
"Did she burp?" Mac asked Mattie who was playing with Ainsley on the living room floor.
"Yeah" answered Mattie. "She was wet, so I changed her for you."
"Thank you" Mac replied. "Call for Chinese if you want it. Neither of us is hungry."
Mattie could tell from the sound of Mac's voice that Harm wasn't faring very well, and she knew that was likely the cause of Mac's loss of appetite. "Are you sure you don't want anything?" she asked. "You really should eat something."
"I'm not hungry" Mac replied plainly, even a little harsh. "Thank you."
"Okay, jeez" said Mattie. "Just trying to help." She rose from the floor and went to the kitchen to find the take-out menu from the Chinese restaurant.
Once Mattie had ordered her dinner, Mac broached her earlier request to talk. "You wanted to talk to me earlier. What about?"
"About how dad grounded me for one bad grade and about how you agreed with that" said Mattie. "No one took into account everything that I'd been busy with the week before that paper was due; all the wedding stuff. I know I should have remembered to do it before the morning I had to hand it in, but I didn't and I threw it together and got an F, but that's no reason to throw the book at me."
"We're not 'throwing the book' at you. In fact you're getting off easy. Your father and I even gave you a chance to earn back your party privileges, but after this afternoons outburst we are both reconsidering that" Mac replied.
"What?" she exclaimed. "I ask a question and show some concern for my dad, and you guys go back on our deal?"
"It's not the concern we have issue with" Mac replied. "It's the manner in which it was expressed. And we aren't going back on the deal, we are merely considering it with more scrutiny" Mac corrected.
"So now what do I have to do to go to the party?" asked a very upset Mattie. "Clean the whole house from top to bottom? Wash every piece of clothing the 4 of us own? Re-arrange the-"
"Try showing a little respect for your parents" Mac said sharply, cutting her off.
Mattie didn't say anything more. She ran out of the room in tears, stomped up the stairs and slammed her bedroom door for the second time that day. Mac leaned down over Ainsley who was happily playing with her baby gym. "At least you still like mommy, huh?" She tickled Ainsley's chin and the baby smiled. "Let me go check on your daddy, then we can have a bath, okay?"
Mac stood and stretched. She was getting a raging headache, and her shoulders were tight with tension. Nothing was going right today, nothing. She pushed the door opened, "Harm?"
"What?" he replied quietly, his head turned away from her.
"I just wanted to see how you were feeling or if you'd changed your mind about eating" Mac said tentatively.
"Nope" he answered.
"Harm I..." She began. "I...just..."
He turned to look at her, and she saw the tear stains on his face. "Please, just go" he said. "I need some space right now."
"But you're crying..." Mac started. "Please let me help."
"You can't help!" he exclaimed with an ironic laugh as the tears began falling again. "You can't make this all go away so that I can go do my Hornet quals in three days! I told the Captain I'd reschedule; what I didn't tell him was that he could pencil me in for a month from when hell freezes over because after what I did to my back today, I'm done!"
Mac rushed over to him and reached out to take his hand only to have him snatch it back.
"So what?" Mac said. "So what if that is true? You've hurt yourself so badly already by flying...let it go now, you've done that...You could be the JAG one day, doesn't that seem like an amazing accomplishment?" Mac tried to show him the brighter side of the situation.
"Stop trying to make me feel better" he said as his tears kept flowing. "It won't work!"
"All I'm saying is it's not the end of the world if you do lose your wings" Mac tried again to reason. "You rarely fly as it is now."
"But rarely isn't never" he said. "I can't really imagine being completely happy with my life without flying." He turned his face away from her; he didn't want her to see him like this.
"I hope you don't mean that" she said, her own pain starting to creep into her voice.
"Just go, Mac" he said as he choked back a sob. "Please. I love you, but…"
She turned on her heel and left him there, alone, like he wanted. She picked up her baby girl and held her close, sitting down on the sofa as she finally gave in to her own tears.
Mac didn't know how long she sat on the sofa, rocking her baby, taking comfort in the little coos Ainsley was making, as if to assure her mother things would be alright. Mac couldn't believe the things Harm had said, but deep down she knew Harm didn't say them, the pain in his heart did.
The sound of the ringing phone brought Mac out of her lost thoughts. It was probably Sturgis, but even so...anyone was better than no one at all.
"Hello" she said, not quite able to make her voice sound normal.
"Mac?" asked the voice on the other end of the line.
"Yeah" Mac replied. "Trish, hi."
"Is everything okay?" asked Trish. "You sound upset." Trish naturally assumed Mac was upset that she had called, since they had agreed to let Mac take the lead on making contact.
Mac couldn't answer her mother-in-law. After the day she'd had, hearing a gentle voice made the storm break. She held the phone and began to cry hard, sobbing instead of speaking.
"Mac, is this a bad time?" asked Trish. "I can call back later if that would be better. I just wanted to check on Harm."
"No...don't...I just...need a minute" she said finally trying to take a deep breath.
"Okay, dear" said Trish, realizing something was terribly amiss in the Rabb household.
When Mac finally got her breath, she said the first thing that came to her mind. "Trish, everything is horrible. Mattie is acting strange and Harm's so depressed and his back is worse and I'm under a mountain of paperwork...I..." She started sobbing again.
"Slow down, Mac" said Trish gently. "Slow down, take a deep breath and talk to me. I'm not there to help, but I'll be glad to listen."
"I don't know where to start" Mac said. "I suppose I should say I'm sorry for not calling but he's needed so much help. I'm so sorry I was so mean to you."
"You were upset with me" said Trish, "and you had a right to be. I did the best I could with Ainsley while you two were gone, but I made some big mistakes and you had a right to be upset."
"I guess" cried Mac, "but...I suppose after today, I know how you feel. And maybe you'll know how I feel. God, I never should have left him. I knew something was going to happen today, I knew it."
"What happened?" asked Trish, feeling her heart begin to pound at the news that her son was in trouble.
"He had a fall today. He went to the bathroom on his own and by the time I got in he was in such pain..." Mac had to stop and take a breath. "He couldn't walk and when I went to get him a chair...he just fell flat like someone cut his strings."
"Oh my" gasped Trish, quickly reminding herself to keep it together for Mac's sake. "He's not still on the floor, is he?"
"No...I had Bud Roberts come and help me. He's in bed now, propped up, and I gave him some medicine that his doctor prescribed" Mac replied. "I also gave him a massage, which he said helped but his back is all bruised and the discs are so swollen...I don't know what to do."
"I'm sure you don't, Mac" said Trish sympathetically. "I felt that way when he had the first bad flare up after his ramp strike. I felt completely helpless."
"It gets worse, Trish" Mac sighed. "Much worse. He..." Mac remembered Harm's words and started to sob again.
"You said his doctor gave him something for the pain?" asked Trish. "When was that?"
Mac took another breath. "Yesterday we went to Bethesda. There's a specialist there, Lt.Cmd. Peddie, he's a neurosurgeon who specializes in pilots and combat injuries. Anyway, he said that Harm needs to have surgery, but he also said Naproxen wouldn't dull the pain when the flare up peaked so he gave him oxytocin."
"So it's finally time" said Trish. "His doctors in the past had said eventually he'd need surgery."
"He said it's an easy surgery, not much recovery time, only a few months...but it gets worse still" Mac sighed. She didn't know how to tell Trish what Harm had said, but she needed to. If anyone could understand Harm better than she could, it would be his mother.
"Tell me" encouraged Trish, feeling terrible that she was so far away and Mac was struggling so badly.
"Well, he got a call from Captain Hendricks, he's the flight wing coordinator for Norfolk...Harm's quals are due and once they talked he got really quiet and depressed. He won't look at me, he's crying and..." She started to sob yet again. "What am I going to do?"
"Oh, Mac..." said Trish. "Would it help if I came out there for a few days? You sound completely overwhelmed."
"No, I...I can handle it, it's just...I've never heard him...Trish, he told me can't see himself being completely happy with his life if he can't fly. How could he say that? To me? I don't...he's shut me out...he's shutting down, like he used to before we got together."
"He doesn't mean that, Mac" said Trish, knowing all too well how the Rabb men, like all men, often said things in the heat of the moment that they didn't mean in any way, shape or form. "He's so scared right now and he doesn't know how to handle it. He's just like his father that way; dealing with fear just isn't something either of them ever mastered."
"But it hurt so much...and all I want to do is hold him and make it okay but he won't let me...He wants to be alone. Two nights ago when he had that spasm and it was so bad...he couldn't feel his legs for a half hour or more maybe...he made me promise never to leave and he woke up later screaming my name after a nightmare...and now..." Mac sighed. "It's all my fault, today is anyway."
"That's not true and you know that" said Trish, the mother in her coming out. "None of this is your fault. This is because of a tragic accident he had years before he even met you. Please don't blame yourself over any of this, dear."
"But I shouldn't have left him, I should have stayed with him...I...I should have tried harder to get off of work...Mattie was right" Mac sighed. "He's going to lose the only thing that he loves as much as us, and maybe I could have done something differently."
"Is it a certainty that he'll lose his wings over this?" asked Trish. "I know it's possible, but has it already been stated?"
"His doctor was pretty sure yesterday and it's so much worse today" Mac replied. "And I know it Trish. You know?"
"I do" she replied. "Maybe we're wrong; stranger things have happened."
"I pray you're right. I'm so scared and...I always go to him when I'm scared" Mac confessed.
"Give him time" said Trish, "he'll come to you. You're the most important person in his life, Mac. Having you as his wife, it's the one thing he's wanted more than anything else for almost 10 years. He's hurting and he's terribly afraid right now, but once he has a little time to think, you'll be the only person he wants next to him."
"Thank you for that, if anyone can figure him out...Well, you've done this twice. I don't know how to thank you...but I have to ask, please forgive me for how I acted. You made a mistake yes, but I shouldn't have taken this long to talk with you about it" Mac sighed. "I'm sorry."
"I'll forgive you if you forgive me" said Trish. "I love you all so much."
"I've already forgiven you, Trish...Mom, if I can call you that" Mac said tentatively.
"Of course you can" replied Trish tearfully. "I'm sorry things are so hard for you both right now."
"So am I..." Mac sighed. "Listen, I better go. I have to try and talk to Mattie and maybe if I just go and lie withHarm, he'll open up" Mac sighed. "Thank you for listening to me."
"Thank you for talking to me" replied Trish. "You know we're here if you need us; we can be out there in a day if need be."
"I hope it won't be necessary but thank you for the offer. I better go now. I'll have Harm call when he's up to it, okay?" Mac asked with the hint of a smile.
"That'd be lovely" said Trish, herself smiling a little. "Tell him we love him, and give our granddaughters hugs and kisses from us."
"Will do, give our love to Frank" Mac said. "Bye now."
"Goodbye, Mac" said Trish.
Mac hung the phone up and looked down at Ainsley, who had fallen asleep. Mac carried her to her nursery, then taking the monitor upstairs with her; she gently knocked on Mattie's door.
"Come in" said Mattie.
Mac opened the door and stood there a minute. "We need to talk."
"Yeah" said Mattie, closing the book she'd been staring at for the past half hour. "Let me guess, I'm not going to that party, am I?"
Mac sighed. "We haven't discussed it any more since you and I last spoke. Can we forget about that for a bit?"
"I guess so" said Mattie. "What do you want to talk about then?"
"I want to talk about you. What's going on with you, Sweetie? All day you've been acting oddly, even this morning. We're worried about you" Mac said softly.
"Nothing's going on" said the girl. "I'm just worried about dad, that's all."
"You treated him pretty badly this morning" Mac said. "That doesn't say I'm worried about you, that says something else." She tried to be gentle as she spoke.
Mattie was very quiet for a minute. "I'm afraid" she said. "I've never seen him hurt like this."
"I'm afraid, too" Mac replied. "And I've been short tempered and I'm sorry. But you and I both have to remember one thing more important than our fears, honey. He's afraid, more afraid than he'll show us."
"I know" said Mattie softly. "I'm sorry for how I've acted. Can I help you do anything for him?"
"I think now he needs some space" Mac replied. "But in the morning how about you get up a bit early and spend some time with him? I know he misses you, but right now he doesn't even want to see me. I know he won't want you to see him as he is right now."
"I can do that" said Mattie. "I miss him, too. A lot."
"I know you do" Mac replied. "So do I." In spite of herself a few more tears leaked out of her eyes.
Mattie opened her arms and reached out to Mac. "Hug?"
Mac stepped into Mattie's open arms and held tight. "You better get ready for bed. It's getting late."
"Okay" said Mattie. "I hope you can get some sleep tonight."
"Me, too" said Mac. She started back downstairs and with trepidation opened the master bedroom door. "Harm?" she said softly in the darkness.
He didn't acknowledge her presence because he was asleep.
Mac moved closer and saw the slow rise and fall of his chest accompanied by the occasional involuntary moan of pain or fear. She stripped down, leaving her clothes where they fell and pulled on one of Harm's old shirts. With tears falling again she got into bed and drifted into an exhausted sleep.
"No!" Mac shouted. "Harm, no! Dear God, please no! Harm!"
"Mac! Mac!" he called as he awoke with a start as she screamed his name. "Wake up, babe. It's okay, I'm here."
"Harm!" she cried out again. "I love you, we...Why?" she sobbed, still asleep.
"Wake up, Mac" he said, reaching over to shake her. "It's all a bad dream! Wake up, you're okay!"
Mac woke this time slowly, pushing away sleep even as she struggled for breath. She felt arms around her, holding her, but as her conscious mind was still imprisoned by her nightmare, she fought their hold. "Let me go!" she ordered. "I...I..Harm..." She cried, not in question but in wanting.
"I'm here, baby" he said, his strength refusing to let her go. "Mac! I'm here…"
She kept fighting, fighting his hold, fighting for breath. "No...I'm...Why?"
He took hold of both her shoulders and shook her steadily, desperate to wake her up and take away her pain. "Mac! Mac! Wake up! Mac!"
Finally, his voice or maybe the physical force penetrated and she looked at him, eyes aware. She flung herself at him, wrapped her arms around his shoulders and sobbed into his chest for all she was worth. "Thank God" she breathed. "Thank God."
He pulled her as close as he could given his miserable back. "What happened, sweetie?" he asked as he wiped the sweat from her forehead.
"I...I had the worst nightmare" she managed to say. "It was so horrible...but it's over. It's over. Let's go back to sleep." She tried to pull back and snuggle down.
"No, no" he said, retaining his hold on her. "You were terrified, baby. I need you to talk to me. Tell me what happened."
"You lie back down first" she told him. "You're not supposed to be like this with your back."
"Okay, but I want you to stay close" he said, knowing she needed his arms around her.
Mac helped ease him back down against the mattress then asked her most common question. "How do you feel?"
"I'm fine" he said. "What was that all about?" he asked, rubbing her shoulder blade softly. "I've never seen you like that."
"I told you. I had a bad dream. Thankfully, that's all it was" she sighed and laid her head down on his chest.
"Hey" he said quietly, lifting her head with his hand under her chin. "You made me talk to you when I had my nightmare; I need the same from you. What happened, Mac?"
"I lost the most important thing in my world" she said.
It didn't take him long to decode what she was saying to him, and narrow it down to two possible scenarios. "Did something happen to me" he asked, "or to Ainsley?" He knew it had to be one of them.
"You" she replied. "You..." She started to cry again remembering her pain and grief at finding him in that bed.
He silently pulled her even closer, allowing her to cry on his shoulder the way he'd done so many times before. She hadn't been this upset, though, since they lost their first baby. Whatever she'd dreamt, it had shaken her to the core.
Five minutes later, Mac had some control over her emotions and finally managed to speak in a somewhat normal voice. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay" he said tenderly. "You want to talk about it?"
"No, but I have a feeling you're going to make me..." She rubbed her wet cheek against his chest.
"I'd like you to" he encouraged. "It helped me to talk about mine, but if you don't want to, that's fine, too. I just need to know that you're okay."
She didn't want to tell him what she'd dreamt, but she knew she really needed to. "You'd had back surgery and it went bad. It must have been a year or so later than now because Ainsley was talking a bit and toddling around. She came to me crying."
"How come?" he asked, his arms till wrapped around her.
"You wouldn't hug her" Mac replied. "Everyday she went in to you and everyday you wouldn't hug her."
"I'd never refuse to hug my baby" he said. "Never."
"But in my nightmare, you did" Mac replied. "She'd come in here and stand by your bed, only it was one of those adjustable hospital beds, and say 'Dada, Dada' over and over, but you ignored her, then she came to me with these big tears running down her cheeks, and I knew it was status quo for us since the surgery went bad."
"I'm so sorry" he said. "I'm sorry you had to see that, even if it wasn't real."
"It got worse" she admitted. "I went in and asked you to go out with us, told you how we all loved you and missed you and you just laid there, you wouldn't look at me...You turned from me when I tried to kiss you...That hurt so much, but that's not the worst part."
"Baby, I'll never, ever turn away from you" he said, moving her chin up again so he could look into her eyes. "Never."
"But you did" she told him. "You turned from me and then you left me."
"Oh, Mac" he said, rubbing her back softly. "I'd never leave you, you know that. I'm here forever and ever, I promise."
"You left because you thought you'd broken your promise to me" she said. "You...God, I can still feel how cold you were."
"Cold?" he said. "Why was...?" It hit him what she meant by "leave her", and his heart nearly broke in two. "God, Mac, I... Oh baby, I'm sorry. That'll never come to pass; not in a billion years."
"I know, but it seemed so real" she cried, "and earlier you said you can't imagine being completely happy with your life if you can't ever fly again, and…"
It all came back to him, everything he'd said to her a few short hours earlier. "Shit..." he muttered to himself when he realized what an inconsiderate fool he'd made of himself. "Mac, baby, I'm...I'm so sorry for all that. I didn't mean it, honest I didn't."
"Things we say in the moment" she said, "those are sometimes true, Harm."
"Not when they're said in a moment of pain" he replied adamantly.
"Pain I wanted to take away but you shut me out" she said. "That really hurt."
"I was stupid to shut you out" he said apologetically. "You've probably noticed by now that when I'm afraid of something, it brings out the worst in me."
"And in me" she replied. "At least until you taught me that I didn't have to do that. Why are you so scared? What did Captain Hendricks say?" she asked him beginning to make slow circles on his bare chest.
"He said I can call him later on to reschedule my quals" replied Harm, his voice failing to mask his disappointment in having to miss them this time around. "I just don't think that'll be an issue. After today...I know I'm finished in the Naval cockpit forever."
"I wish I could disagree with that" she said softly. "But we both heard Dr. Peddie and...Harm, I know what flying means to you but there are worse things. Aren't there?"
"There are" he agreed softly as he ran his fingers through her hair, carefully working out the tangles one by one. "I hate to think of never flying again, but as long as I've got you, I'll be okay."
"I'm going to hold you to that" Mac smiled. "I...Can I say something without you getting angry with me?" she asked tentatively.
"Of course" he said as he continued running his fingers through her hair.
"I...I'm not very, uh, distressed, at the thought of you not flying anymore" Mac said. "I mean look what it's done to you; all the pain it's caused."
"Only when things went wrong" he said. "But yeah, none of this would have happened if I'd not been flying in the first place. You understand why I had to, though. There are some things in this world that we just know we were born to do. You were born to be my wife...and the mother of my children...and I was born to, among other things, fly."
"I know" she sighed. "I do. But...I just don't want...I don't want even one part of our nightmares to become reality." She felt tears well up and again began to cry against him.
"Hey, sshhh..." he said, trying to soothe her as best he could. "The only part of those nightmares that could even possibly become reality is the part where my surgery doesn't go as planned, but even if that were to happen, we'd still be together and we'd get through it. I love you way too much to let you worry about any of those other things." He ran his hand, very slowly, down her back, then up again.
"Do you really?" she asked him lifting her head to connect her watery brown eyes with his bright blue ones.
"Yes" he answered. "I love you so much that if I could take your nightmares away for the rest of your life, I'd do it in a second."
"I wish you could" she said, her thoughts interrupted by the sound of Ainsley's wails through the baby monitor.
"Sounds like someone wants her mommy" said Harm with a little smile.
She nodded and wiped away a couple of stray tears. "I'll be right back." She climbed out of bed and went to retrieve the crying baby from the nursery, changing her wet diaper and grabbing her favorite blanket on the way back to the master bedroom.
"What's wrong, Ainsley Rose?" asked Harm as Mac climbed back into bed beside him.
"Say I want to snuggle with my daddy" Mac told the baby and held her out to Harm.
"Well, I think we can arrange that" he said, taking his daughter into his arms. "Did you need daddy? Hmm?" He placed a kiss atop her head.
Ainsley's cries softened for the moment as she nuzzled against her daddy. She turned her head and with her mouth opened touched it to his neck. "Would you look at that?" Mac said smiling the sight before her.
"She's giving kisses" he said proudly. "Not that she's trying to, but..."
"Maybe she is" Mac beamed. "She's a smart little girl. Aren't you, baby?" She reached over and touched Ainsley's baby fine hair.
"So what do you think she ended up with?" he asked Mac. "Your looks and my brains, or my looks and your brains?"
Before Mac could answer the query Ainsley let out another cry, and this time there was no question what she wanted. "She definitely has your appetite" Harm joked and handed the baby over.
"Very funny, sailor" Mac sighed. "Okay baby, let's feed you" Mac cooed and put the baby to her breast, using the blanket to keep Ainsley warm. "By the way, your Mom called," Mac told Harm as she settled against him while their baby nursed.
"Oh?" he replied. "Checking on me I assume?"
"Yes" Mac replied. "And saving my six, if you want to know the truth of it."
"I'm not sure I follow" he said as he gently rubbed Ainsley's head.
"I...You know that thing I do where I forget I'm a kick ass Jarhead who can handle anything?" Mac asked. She didn't want to hurt him, but she knew Trish would tell him how upset Mac was. "Well, I was doing it when she called."
He sighed. He knew she was upset about the way he'd spoken to her and the stupid things he'd said. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you to that point, babe."
"It wasn't just you" Mac replied. "Mattie and I had round two out there and then things in here... but...I have to grow up a little. I'm so...I don't know, I'm not the same as I was before. Am I?"
"No" he said, placing a kiss on her shoulder. "You're even better. You're so much stronger now than any woman I know."
"I never used to cry like that before" Mac sighed. "You and I...we've hurt each other pretty badly in the past, but I never let it break me like that."
"I guess marriage and motherhood have changed a few things" he said. "All of them for the better. It's okay to cry, Mac. We all have to at some point."
"We did a lot of things wrong today, I think" Mac sighed. "A lot of things." The baby started to fuss again just then and pulled away. "All done, baby?"
"She didn't eat much" he said. "Must have just wanted a nightcap."
"Or something to suck on" Mac replied. "She's been a bit unsettled the past few days."
"Think she'll go back to sleep now?" he asked.
"I hope so...I have to get that ice pack on your back" Mac sighed. "And we need to talk about another visit to the doctor's office."
"Go put her in her crib and get the ice" he said. "Then we can talk."
Mac nodded and rose with Ainsley, who had already quieted and begun to doze. She placed the little one in her bed then went to get Harm's ice pack. "Here we go" she said upon returning. "One ice pack...What's wrong?"
"Uh, nothing" he said. "Why?"
"You have this funny look on your face" she said half smiling.
"I dunno" he said with a smile. "Must be the drugs."
"Oh yeah?" Mac sighed. "I didn't know oxytocin gave you a gleam."
"It's pretty good stuff" he said, relaxing against his pillows. "Got my ice?"
"Right here" Mac replied. "Still hurt bad?" she asked lowering his covers.
"Not terribly" he answered. "It's more stiff than painful right now."
"Well let's ice the swelling and then I'll work on the stiffness" Mac replied. She wanted to help him, but she was fading, she was tired, and he knew it.
"Okay" he said, slowly rolling over slowly so she could place the ice pack underneath his tense back.
"There you go" she said stifling a yawn.
He eased himself back over and rested upon his back. "You're exhausted" he said. "Come on, get in here with me."
"I should get you something to eat. You didn't have anything" she reminded him.
"I'm not hungry" he said. "I'll eat a good breakfast, I promise. Come on, crawl in here with me; I'm freezing."
Mac lifted the covers on her side of the bed and slipped inside. "Feel okay though? Is that ice pack helping or just torturing you?" She asked playing with the hair on his forehead.
"Helping some" he said. "Torturing some. Take your pick."
"I'm sorry. I made a decision though" Mac told him. "I'm telling the General I'm not coming in tomorrow or until you're better. If he doesn't like it..."
"I think he'll understand" replied Harm. "I mean, you're only there for 3 hours a day now as it is. He'll be okay with it."
"Doesn't' matter if he isn't" Mac said firmly. "You are all that matters. You, the baby, and Mattie. That's it." She punctuated that thought with a kiss.
As she began to pull back from the kiss, he reached out and gently pulled her face towards his again, his lips matching her kiss with one of his own.
Mac responded to his touch unconsciously, opening her mouth to allow his tongue entrance. She pressed up against him as much as she dared as she leaned over him, enjoying the feeling of lips on her, of his tongue in her mouth. She pulled back after a minute. "What are you doing?" she asked, breathless.
"Whatever feels good" he answered as he, too, worked to catch his breath.
She reached beneath his covers and began to run her hands around his chest, moving up and down slowly in a gentle rhythm. "Does this feel good?" she asked.
"Mm-hmm" he sighed, gently brushing a few stray hairs out of her face before pulling her lips to his own once again.
Once again, Mac let him kiss her, and she kissed him back with intensity she hadn't felt since their honeymoon. She pulled away again and smiled at him, reaching one leg over his hips to straddle him.
"What do you wanna do?" he whispered, his breathing still heavy as he rubbed his hand slowly from her knee to her thigh.
"Make you feel better" she replied and leaned down to place her lips against his neck using her breath, tongue and lips to excite that soft bit of flesh.
"Mmm, God..." he sighed. "Baby, I'm...I'm not sure how much I can do" he said softly. "I want to..." His words were lost as she kissed that spot right behind his ear; the spot she knew made him absolute putty in her hands.
"No" she breathed against his ear. "No that...not yet."
"I know" he said quietly as he felt the goose bumps creep up all over his body. "But God, I want you." He moved his hand up underneath the shirt she was wearing, one of his old workout jerseys, and ran it gently across her bare stomach. "Ideas?" he whispered to her.
She balanced her weight on her knees as not to hurt him and continued to run her lips down his neck to his shoulder, kissing downward until she got to his nipple, which was excited from her attentions. She took it in her mouth and used her tongue to moisten the pink skin. When she'd had her fill she looked up at him. "Like that one?"
"Oh yeah..." he moaned as he slowly drew zig zags down her abdomen, stopping when he reached the waistband of her lounge pants.
"Then let me get the other side, sailor" she replied. "You just lie back and enjoy it." She put her lips back on his left nipple, tugging lightly with her teeth she kissed and licked her way over to his right nipple, giving it the same attention. "How's this feeling, Honey?"
"So good..." he replied, forcing himself to breathe so he could speak. He reached towards the hem of her shirt and tugged just a little. "Please?"
"No, no..." she whispered. "Not yet. Be still."
"But..." he began, again losing his train of thought when her mouth made contact with his skin.
Mac let out a breath on his chest and began kissing down his belly until her lips were stopped by his sheets. She pulled them back ever so slightly and used her tongue to lavish his navel with attention. "I love you, sailor" she whispered. "So much. Am I hurting you?"
"No..." he answered breathlessly. "No...keep going..."
"Tell me what to do next" Mac requested.
Without saying a word, he took her right hand and began to lead her in the direction he wanted her to go.
"Harm, are you sure?" Mac asked when she felt where he was leading her. "I mean...I don't want to hurt you."
"You won't" he said, his voice filled with loving desire. "It's okay."
Mac pulled his covers back the rest of the way and slipped her hands beneath the waist band of his boxers. His slow response was a testimony to his pain and his injury, but in spite of it he responded to her loving touch.
"Feeling okay?" she asked, knowing his answer but wanting to hear it from his lips.
"God, baby" he whispered. "That's nice..."
Mac pouted a little bit, then stopped her ministrations.
He opened his eyes and looked down at her. "What's wrong?" he asked as his heart rate temporarily leveled off.
"Nice?" she asked and continued to give him the little girl pout.
He realized what she was doing; she was playing with his mind, something she loved to do in the bedroom. With a grin, he played along. "How about 'really nice'?" he asked.
The pout grew, and she shook her head.
"The second most wonderful, amazing feeling you've ever given me?" he offered, hoping he'd get it right soon.
She smiled then and began massaging him again. "That's better. What was the first?" she asked, not sure what he'd say.
"Toss up" he answered, his eyes closed as his body melted as she worked. "Either the last ten seconds of our first time...or...last ten seconds on the beach..."
"Either works for me" she replied
"Stop" he said softly. "Come back up here."
Mac looked at him with questions in her eyes, but did as he asked, rolling off of him and lying beside him. "Did I not do it right?" she asked.
"You did it just right" he soothed, "I just want you back up here for a little while, that's all."
"But you didn't..."she began.
"I didn't say we were finished yet, baby" he replied as he pulled her body closer to his. "I just wanted to put my arms around the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth, and tell her how much I love her."
"I love you, too" Mac replied. "I'm sorry I was so silly before. You have no idea how real that dream was." She shivered at the memory.
"Yeah, I do" he countered, moving her bangs off her forehead so he could lean down and kiss her there. "Mine was just as real; it was the worst feeling ever, seeing you take the baby and walk out of my life."
"Do you think there could be something to them?" she asked. "I mean they did have a common element."
"Yeah, that common element is exhaustion" he said as a shiver came over him from lying on the ice pack. "Don't put any stock in either of them, Mac. We know they won't come true."
"What's wrong? You cold?" she asked forgetting his pillow of ice, which had been on way too long.
"Yeah, actually I am" he said, reaching for the covers she'd pulled off of him earlier. "Can we get rid of the ice?"
"Oh no! It's been on way too long" she gasped and rolled out of bed. "Roll to the side" she told him. "I'm so sorry, I forgot all about it."
"Can't imagine why" he said seductively, moving slowly to his right side.
Mac eased the icepack out then helped him lie back again.
"I'm gonna go put this away and grab you some juice" she said. "Anything else while I'm out there?"
"Another pill would be great" he said.
"Sorry, no can do" she answered.
He started to ask why, and then it occurred to him. "Oh yeah, I took an extra one this afternoon. Well, shit."
"Getting bad?" she asked sympathetically.
He nodded. "Help me get situated again?"
"Want to try and stand up a minute?" she asked. "Or stretch?"
"Stretch" he replied.
"Okay, baby." Mac was back to coddling mode. "Push yourself back with your arms while I lift these gorgeous legs of yours" she whispered.
He followed her orders, wincing and moaning as his back fought against his every move.
"There you go" Mac said as she placed his legs against the mattress. "Want me to stretch them for you or just leave you alone?" she asked.
"Stretch" he replied, running his hands over his face.
"Tell me if it hurts, okay?" she instructed him, taking his left leg and raising it to the level or her shoulder, then bending his knee and gently pushing it towards him.
He took in a sharp breath. "I'm okay" he said. "Just stiff." He could feel his entire body tensing up again as he fought to keep the pain from consuming him.
Mac repeated the action once more. She saw the look on his face and whispered "let it go. Don't tense."
"Trying not to" he said, "but..."
"Let it go" she repeated.
"I can't do that alone" he said softly.
"I know, baby" she replied. "I know. I'm trying to help you, but don't hide the pain if it hurts."
"Do the other leg" he said quietly.
Mac gently lowered the leg she'd been working on and repeated the same actions with the other. She pressed a little lighter as his pain was focused on the right side of his body. She didn't want to hurt him any more than necessary.
"Oh, that feels a lot better" he sighed.
"I'm glad" she smiled and lowered his right leg to the bed. "Pillows now, then you can rest."
"You can fix my pillows" he said, "but the resting can wait."
Mac manipulated Harm's legs, lifting and bending as required using the familiar and comforting two, three, two combination. When she was done she waited for him to tell her what he needed. She was exhausted but if he needed her, he'd have her.
"Come here" he said, opening his arms towards her.
Mac went to his arms and let him hold her. "I'm here" she replied stifling a yawn.
He held her as close as he could and began placing angel kisses along her jaw line. "You're so beautiful" he whispered. "I love you so much."
"I love you, too" she replied.
He ran his hand down her arm. "You're awfully uptight tonight" he said, feeling guilty for being much of the cause behind that tension in her muscles.
"Blame Sturgis" Mac replied yawning again. "I want his six filleted when you get well, copy?"
"I can take care of that" he said softly, "but tonight, I want to take care of you." He moved his hands behind her back and gently nudged her body closer to his own.
She nestled closer to him, part of her enjoying his touch, the other part wishing he'd just let her sleep.
"I know you're sleepy, baby" he said tenderly, "I am, too, but right now we need each other." He busied himself with kisses once more, this time focusing on her neck, just above her collarbone.
She just lay there and let him touch her, occasionally nestling still closer. "Don't..."
He froze in place. "Don't what, Mac?" he asked, afraid he'd begun something she didn't want to finish. "Are you okay?"
"Don't start something we can't finish" she replied. "I want you too much, so much it hurts, but we can't."
"I know" he said, gently cupping her face in his hand. "We won't. We'll just do what feels good; like I said before, baby. Can we do that?"
She nodded. She could barely keep her eyes opened but she wanted his touch.
He reached his hand beneath her hem line again, running itover her soft stomach. "You're so soft" he whispered against her ear.
She ran her hand over his chest. "So hard. So strong. I need that so much" she whispered.
He moved his hand upward, brushing against the top of her breasts. "You're amazing, Mac..."
"Only with you…" she whispered. "I...I am who I am because of you."
"I know the feeling" he replied, the passion rising in his voice as he took hold of her torso beneath her shirt and pulled her gently towards him. "Come here, like you were before."
Mac's moves were slow; her body ached with exhaustion, tension, and from the physical exertion of moving Harm about. Still she moved over him, spreading her legs so she was kneeling on the bed, one thigh on either side of his hips.
He wrapped his arms around her, his hands still underneath her shirt, and brought her down against his chest. "I've missed this so much" he whispered against her ear.
"I have too, sailor" Mac replied as she leaned over to kiss his lips. "We'll have it again. We have to...we need..."
"I need you, Mac" he said softly. "Here." He kissed her again. "Tonight." And again. "Whatever we can do, that's what I need."
"I'm here, baby" she told him. "I'm here." She said this with a husky voice and raised her arms above her head. She knew what he wanted and was letting him know it was his for the taking.
He lifted her shirt up as high as he could, but given that he had to remain lying down, he wasn't able to get it over her head. "Guess I need a little help" he said quietly as he felt the sparks between the two of them light up; sparks that hadn't existed in far too many days.
Mac helped him ease the shirt over her head, and even leaned down a bit so he didn't have to reach as far to touch her. The part of her that didn't want this was fast losing out to the part that wanted his hands, his mouth on her body. She only hoped said body would cooperate. "Touch me" she whispered. "Touch me."
He loved it when she said what she wanted him to do, made it clear what she needed from him. He started at her navel, both hands working their way very slowly up her body until they reached her breasts. Once there, he ran his hands over each of them ever-so-gently; over, under, across. "Feel good?" he asked softly.
"Mmm" was the only sound she was capable of. She leaned into his hands so that he would increase the pressure, then she directed him again. "In your mouth."
Harm smiled a bit and used his hands to press her closer to him taking one soft nipple in his mouth. Mac tossed her head back in ecstasy as Harm nipped at her a bit, using his teeth to graze the sensitive flesh.
"Feels good" she managed as she enjoyed his touch, his lips. She reached down and used her hands to massage his chest. "Oh, God" she moaned when he slipped his lips from her nipple and pulled her closer.
"I'm sorry" he finally said. "I wish I could…"
"No" Mac replied. "No...Our time will come again" Mac assured him. "It will. Don't be sorry. Never be sorry, my love."
They kissed again, all of the hunger replaced by tenderness. "Tell me what to do now" he requested. "Tell me what you need."
Mac trailed tiny kissed from his lips to his ear then whispered, "I need...Hold me. Just hold me tight."
He did just as she asked and pulled her warm, soft body closer to his own. His right hand rubbed her back, moving in slow, small circles as his left hand reached her side. Sliding it gently around the front, he caressed her almost flat stomach, touching her hard enough to be passionate, yet soft enough to show her how much he cared.
Mac moaned a little as he touched her soft flesh. It was almost a moan of pain, and it startled him.
"Did that hurt, baby?" he asked.
"No..." she replied and moaned again. "I'm…I need you." She shifted her hips a bit to let him know what she needed. "I really need you…"
Harm knew her so well, and he knew what she wanted. He took the hand that had been on her belly and began to move it lower and lower until his fingers were underneath her shorts. "That's what you want, is it baby?"
"Yes" she gasped. "Yes. Please...I need to..."
"Ssh" he hushed her. "I'll take care of you. I'll always take care of you."
And that he did. Mac gasped for breath as he worked, bringing her closer and closer to the edge until finally she felt the white hot heat of her climax wash over her.
"Ssh...calm down, baby" he whispered as she made her pleasure known while his hands slowed a bit. "Calm down, deep breaths... You're so beautiful, baby...so perfect..."
Mac could do nothing more than make tiny sounds as his wonderful hands slowed and finally stopped. As Harm held her to him in the afterglow of their passion, her sounds finally stopped as well, the light pressure her cheek had been putting on his chest increasing as she let out a long, soft moan.
"Baby?" he asked softly as he looked down at her.
There was no reply from Mac except an unconsciously soft sigh.
He couldn't help but smile as he realized she'd fallen asleep. She was so tired, yet she gave him what he needed that night - the chance to love her physically as best as he could. He carefully pulled the covers back up over the two of them before placing a final kiss on the top of her head. "Sleep well, beautiful" he said, and he leaned his head against his pillow as his eyes fell shut.
It was no surprise that Harm woke up first in the morning to Mac still sound asleep next to him. She'd barely moved during the night she was so tired. Smiling softly down at her he knew she needed one day of rest at least until Ainsley's doctor's appointment. He moved his hand to the spot at the center of her head that if rubbed just right would put her to sleep. He began to gently rub that spot to keep her asleep as he made some calls.
The phone rang twice before the General's sharp voice came on the line. "Yes, Commander?" he said, Jen having alerted him to the identity of the caller.
"Good morning, Sir" said Harm. "I'm calling to request that the Colonel be given today off."
"And why would that be, Commander?" Creswell asked. "She's already on limited duty."
"I understand that, Sir" said Harm, "but she's on the verge of becoming physically ill if she doesn't get a little rest. She'll be able to complete most of the work she's supposed to do from home, Sir, but she'll be out of the office entirely for the remainder of the week at least."
"Commander..." the general sighed."The Colonel has a high profile case going to court martial unless she and Commander Turner can come to an agreement. I can give her today but she needs to be here tomorrow."
"I'm not sure she's capable of making it in tomorrow, Sir" replied Harm, looking down at Mac as she remained deeply lost in slumber. "She mentioned to me the case she's dealing with Commander Turner on, Sir, and she's hopeful that they can reach an agreement today by phone."
"Commander, I cannot have two senior lawyers out at the same time" Creswell argued. "The Colonel, unless she's under a doctor's care, must report tomorrow at 1000."
"I understand, Sir" said Harm. "I'll have the Colonel call you later today and discuss this further." He knew how badly she needed a day off, but he also knew he couldn't convince the General of that himself. Mac had a way of getting what she needed, and he knew she could take care of the issue with their CO better than he could, even if it meant she ended up under a doctor's care to provide her with an excuse.
"That will be fine, Commander" Creswell replied. "How is your back doing? Can I expect you back soon?"
"I'd like to hope so, Sir" said Harm, "but right now it's still in pretty bad shape. I'm seeing a specialist at Bethesda, though, and we've got high hopes that before long he'll get me straightened out."
"Well, good" the general said. "Please have the Colonel call me later. I don't see us being able to spare her, though. I'm sorry."
"Yes, sir" replied Harm. "I'll let her know. Thank you, General."
The call ended that way, with very little accomplished. Harm's next order of business was to phone Mattie on her cell phone. She answered on the first ring, "What's wrong?" she asked, worried at receiving a call from home when she was right upstairs.
"Nothing's wrong, kiddo" he said. "Can you peek in on Ainsley for me, please? I think she's still asleep, but she should be waking up any second. Mac's still crashed out and I want her to sleep as late as possible, so I need you to take care of the baby for just a bit."
"Sure" Mattie replied. "Is Mac alright? She never sleeps this late."
"I think everything is just catching up with her" he answered. "She's fine, but she has to get some sleep and I'm not exactly capable of doing much with the baby right now. I doubt Mac will sleep much more than another couple of hours, but of course Ainsley will be ready to eat before then."
'No problem, dad" Mattie replied. "I'm sorry about yesterday. I was being a total brat."
"Yeah, you were" he agreed, "but its okay. This has been hard on all of us; sooner or later we're all bound to lash out."
"Still, I think I made have made Mac cry and it really takes something to do that" she told him. "I heard her on the phone, sobbing right after we had another fight."
"You did?" he asked. "I didn't know that. Well, make sure you apologize to her today; that's important, okay?"
"I already did, but I still feel bad" Mattie sighed. "She was crying for like an hour."
"Try to let it go, then" he said, realizing Mattie was referring to the conversation Mac had with Trish, a conversation mostly about him. "I don't think you did anything that would have had her so upset for so long, so it was probably something else." Just then, Ainsley's wail came over the baby monitor.
"Uh...my sister is hungry" Mattie announced. "Catch you later."
Mac began to stir in her sleep at the sound of her baby's cry. "Mmm."
"Ssh..." he said as he stroked the spot atop her head some more. "Shh..."
"But.." she began to speak but kept her eyes closed.
"It's okay, babe" he whispered. "We'll give her a bottle. You go back to sleep."
Mac didn't have the energy or strength to fight him. She just let her eyes close again.
A/N: Well... I'd love to know what you think! There are still some unanswered questions, but never fear, the answers - and better times - are coming...